UNCLE JOSH'S
PUNKIN
CENTRE STORIES
by Cal Stewart
Preface
The one particular object in
writing this book is to furnish you with an occasional laugh, and the writer
with an occasional dollar. If you get the laugh you have your equivalent, and
the writer has his.
In Uncle Josh Weathersby you have a purely imaginary character,
yet one true to life. A character chuck full of sunshine and rural simplicity.
Take him as you find him, and in his experiences you will observe there is a
bright side to everything.
Sincerely Yours
Cal Stewart
CONTENTS
1.Life Sketch of Author
2.My Old Yaller Almanac
3.Uncle Josh Weathersby's
Arrival in New York 4.Uncle Josh in Society
5.Uncle Josh in a Chinese
Laundry 6.Uncle Josh in a Museum
7.Uncle Josh in Wall Street
8.Uncle Josh and the Fire
Department 9.Uncle Josh in an Auction Room
10.Uncle Josh on a Fifth Ave.
'Bus 11.Uncle Josh in a Department
Store 12.Uncle Josh's Comments on the
Signs Seen in New York 13.Uncle Josh on a Street Car
14.My Fust Pair of Copper Toed
Boots 15.Uncle Josh in Police Court
16.Uncle Josh at Coney Island
17.Uncle Josh at the Opera
18.Uncle Josh at Delmonico's
19.It is Fall 20.Si Pettingill's Brooms
21.Uncle Josh Plays Golf
22.Jim Lawson's Hogs
23.Uncle Josh and the Lightning
Rod Agent 24.A Meeting of the Annanias Club
25.Jim Lawson's Hoss Trade
26.A Meeting of the School
Directors 27.The Weekly Paper at Punkin
Centre 28.Uncle Josh at a Camp Meeting
29.The Unveiling of the Organ
30.Uncle Josh Plays a Game of
Base Ball 31.The Punkin Centre and Paw Paw
Valley Railroad 32.Uncle Josh on a Bicycle
33.A Baptizin' at the Hickory
Corners Church 34.Reminiscence of My Railroad
Days 35.Uncle Josh at a Circus
36.Uncle Josh Invites the City
Folks to Visit Him 37.Yosemite Jim, or a Tale of the
Great White Death 38.Uncle Josh Weathersby's Trip
to Boston 39.Who Marched in Sixty-One
Life Sketch of Author
THE
author was born in Virginia, on a little patch of land, so poor we had to
fertilize it to make brick. Our family, while having cast their fortunes with
the South, was not a family ruined by the war; we did not have anything when
the war commenced, and so we held our own. I secured a common school education,
and at the age of twelve I left home, or rather home left me—things just
petered out. I was slush cook on an Ohio River Packet; check clerk in a stave
and heading camp in the knobs of Tennessee, Virginia and Georgia; I helped lay
the track of the M. K. & T. R. R., and was chambermaid in a livery stable.
Made my first appearance on the stage at the National Theatre in Cincinnati,
Ohio, and have since then chopped cord wood, worked in a coal mine, made cross
ties (and walked them), worked on a farm, taught a district school (made love
to the big girls), run a threshing machine, cut bands, fed the machine and ran
the engine. Have been a freight and passenger brakeman, fired and ran a
locomotive; also a freight train conductor and check clerk in a freight house;
worked on the section; have been a shot gun messenger for the Wells, Fargo
Company. Have been with a circus, minstrels, farce comedy, burlesque and
dramatic productions; have been with good shows, bad shows, medicine shows, and
worse, and some shows where we had landlords singing in the chorus. Have played
variety houses and vaudeville houses; have slept in a box car one night, and a
swell hotel the next; have been a traveling salesman (could spin as many yarns
as any of them). For the past four years have made the Uncle Josh stories for
the talking machine. The Lord only knows what next!
Hangin' on the Kitchen Wall I'M sort of fond of readin' one thing and another, So I've read promiscus like whatever cum my way, And many a friendly argument's cum up 'tween me and mother, 'Bout things that I'd be readin' settin' round a rainy day. Sometimes it jist seemed to me thar wa'nt no end of books, Some made fer useful readin' and some jist made fer looks; But of all the different books I've read, thar's none comes up at all To My Old Yaller Almanac, Hangin' on the Kitchen Wall. I've always liked amusement, of the good and wholesome kind, It's better than a doctor, and it elevates the mind; So, often of an evening, when the farm chores all were done, I'd join the games the boys would play, gosh how I liked the fun; And once thar wuz a minstrel troop, they showed at our Town Hall, A jolly lot of fellers, 'bout twenty of 'em all. Wall I went down to see 'em, but their jokes, I knowed 'em all, Read 'em in My Old Yaller Almanac, Hangin' on the Kitchen Wall. Thar wuz Ezra Hoskins, Deacon Brown and a lot of us old codgers, Used to meet down at the grocery store, what wuz kept by Jason Rogers. There we'd set and argufy most every market day, Chawin' tobacker and whittlin' sticks to pass the time away; And many a knotty problem has put us on our mettle, Which we felt it wuz our duty to duly solve and settle; Then after they had said their say, who thought they knowed it all, I'd floor 'em with some facts I'd got From My Old Yaller Almanac, Hangin' on the Kitchen Wall. It beats a regular cyclopedium, that old fashioned yeller book, And many a pleasant hour in readin' it I've took; Somehow I've never tired of lookin' through its pages, Seein' of the different things that's happened in all ages. One time I wuz elected a Justice of the Peace, To make out legal documents, a mortgage or a lease, Them tricks that lawyers have, you bet I knowed them all, Learned them in My Old Yaller Almanac, Hangin' on the Kitchen Wall. So now I've bin to New York, and all your sights I've seen, I s'pose that to you city folks I must look most awful green, Gee whiz, what lots of fun I've had as I walked round the town, Havin' Bunco Steerers ask me if I wasn't Mr. Hiram Brown. I've rode on all your trolloly cars, and hung onto the straps, When we flew around the corners, sat on other peoples' laps, Hav'nt had no trouble, not a bit at all, Read about your city in My Old Yaller Almanac, Hangin' on the Kitchen Wall.
Uncle Josh Weathersby's Arrival in New
York
WALL,
fer a long time I had my mind made up that I'd cum down to New York, and so a
short time ago, as I had my crops all gathered in and produce sold I calculated
as how it would be a good time to come down here. Folks at home said I'd be
buncoed or have my pockets picked fore I'd bin here mor'n half an hour; wall, I
fooled 'em a little bit, I wuz here three days afore they buncoed me. I spose
as how there are a good many of them thar bunco fellers around New York, but I
tell you them thar street keer conductors take mighty good care on you. I wuz
ridin' along in one of them keers, had my pockit book right in my hand, I alowed
no feller would pick my pockits and git it long as I had it in my hand, and it
shet up tight as a barrel when the cider's workin'. Wall that conductor feller
he jest kept his eye on me, and every little bit he'd put his head in the door
and say "hold fast." But I'm transgressin' from what I started to
tell ye. I wuz ridin' along in one of them sleepin' keers comin' here, and
along in the night some time I felt a feller rummagin' around under my bed, and
I looked out jest in time to see him goin' away with my boots, wall I knowed
the way that train wuz a runnin' he couldn't git off with them without breakin'
his durned neck, but in about half an hour he brot them back, guess they didn't
fit him. Wall I wuz sort of glad he took em cause he hed em all shined up
slicker 'n a new tin whistle. Wall when I got up in the mornin' my trubbles
commenced. I wuz so crouded up like, durned if I could git my clothes on, and
when I did git em on durned if my pants wa'nt on hind side afore, and my socks
got all tangled up in that little fish net along side of the bed and I couldn't
git em out, and I lost a bran new collar button that I traded Si Pettingill a
huskin' peg fer, and I got my right boot on my left foot and the left one on
the right foot, and I wuz so durned badly mixed up I didn't know which way the
train wuz a runnin', and I bumped my head on the roof of the bed over me, and
then sot down right suddin like to think it over when some feller cum along and
stepped right squar on my bunion and I let out a war whoop you could a heerd
over in the next county. Wall, along cum that durned porter and told me I wuz a
wakin' up everybody in the keer. Then I started in to hunt fer my collar
button, cause I sot a right smart store by that button, thar warns another one like
it in Punkin Centre, and I thought it would be kind of doubtful if they'd have
any like it in New York, wall I see one stuck right in the wall so I tried to
git it out with my jack knife, when along came that durned black jumpin' jack
dressed in soldier clothes and ast me what I wanted, and I told him I didn't
want anything perticler, then he told me to quit ringin' the bell, guess he wuz
a little crazy, I didn't see no bell. Wall, finally I got my clothes on and
went into a room whar they had a row of little troughs to wash in, and fast as
I could pump water in the durned thing it run out of a little hole in the
bottom of the trough so I jest had to grab a handful and then pump some more.
Wall after that things went along purty well fer a right smart while, then I et
a snack out of my carpet bag and felt purty good. Wall that train got to
runnin' slower and slower 'till it stopped at every house and when it cum to a
double house it stopped twice. I hed my ticket in my hat and I put my head out
of the window to look at suthin' when the wind blew my hat off and I lost the
durned old ticket, wall the conductor made me buy another one. I hed to buy two
tickets to ride once, but I fooled him, he don't know a durned thing about it
and when he finds it out he's goin to be the maddest conductor on that
railroad, I got a round trip ticket and I ain't a goin' back on his durned old
road. When I got off the ferry boat down here I commenced to think I wuz about
the best lookin' old feller what ever cum to New York, thar wuz a lot of
fellers down thar with buggies and kerridges and one thing and another, and
jest the minnit they seen me they all commenced to holler—handsome—handsome. I
didn't know I wuz so durned good lookin'. One feller tried to git my carpet bag
and another tried to git my umbreller, and I jest told 'em to stand back or
durned if I wouldn't take a wrestle out of one or two of them, then I asked one
of 'em if he could haul me up to the Sturtevessant hotel, and by gosh I never
heered a feller stutter like that feller did in all my life, he said
ye-ye-ye-yes sir, and I said wall how much air you a goin' to charge me, and he
said f-f-f-fif-fif-fifty c-c-cents, and I sed wall I guess I'll ride with you,
but don't stop to talk about it any more cause I'd kinder like to git thar.
Wall we started out and when we stopped we wuz away up at the other end of the
town whar thar warn't many houses, and I sed to him, this here ain't the
Sturtevessant hotel, and he sed n-n-n-no n-s-s-n-no sir, I sed why didn't you
let me out at the hotel like I told ye, and he sed, b-b-b-be c-c-c b-b-be cause
I c-c-c-c-couldn't s-s-s-say w-w-w-whoa q-q-q-q-quick enough. Wall I hed a
great time with that feller, but I got here at last.
WALL,
I did'nt suppose when I cum down here to New York that I wuz a goin to flop
right into the middle of high toned society, but I guess that's jist about what
I done. You see I had an old friend a livin' down here named Henry Higgins, and
I wanted to see Henry mighty bad. Henry and me, we wuz boys together down home
at Punkin Centre, and I hadn't seen him in a long time. Wall, I got a feller to
look up his name in the city almanac, and he showed me whar Henry lived, away
up on a street called avenue five. Wall when I seen Henry's house it jist about
took my breath away, I wuz that clar sot back. Henry's house is a good deal
bigger'n the court house at Punkin Centre. Wall at first I didn't know whether
to go in or not, but finally I mustered up my courage, and I went up and rang some
new fangled door bell, when a feller with knee britches on cum out and wanted
to know who it wuz I wanted to see. Gosh I couldn't say anything fer about a
minnit, that feller jist looked to me like a picter I'd seen in a story book.
Wall finally I told him I wanted to see Henry Higgins, if it wuz the same Henry
I used to know down home at Punkin Centre. Wall I guess Henry he must a heered
me talkin', cause he jist cum out and grabbed me by both hands and sed,
"why Josh Weathersby, how do you do, cum right in." Wall he took me
into the house and introduced me to more wimmin folks than I ever seen before
in all my life at one time. I guess they were havin' some kind of society doins
at Henry's house, one old lady sed to me, "my dear Mr. Weathersby, I am so
pleased to meet you, I've heered Mr. Higgins speak about you so often."
Wall by chowder, I got to blushin' so it cum pretty near settin' my hair on
fire, but I sed, wall now I'm right glad to know you, you kind-er put me in
mind of old Nancy Smith down hum, and Nancy, she's bin tryin' to git married
past forty seasons that I kin remember on. Wall Henry took me off into a room
by myself, and when I got on my store clothes and my new calf skin boots, I
tell you I looked about as scrimptious as any of them. Wall they had a dance, I
think they called it a cowtillion, and that wuz whar I wuz right to hum, I jist
hopped out on the floor, balanced to partners, swung on the corners, and cut up
more capers than any young feller thar, it jist looked as if all the ladies
wanted to dance with me. One lady wanted to know if I danced the german, but I
told her I only danced in English.
Wall after that we had something to eat in the dinin' room, and I
hadn't any more'n got sot down and got to eatin right good, when that durn fool
with the knee britches on insulted me, he handed me a little wash bowl with a
towel round it, and I told him he needn't cast any insinuations at me, cause I
washed my hands afore I cum in. If it hadn't a bin in Henry's house I'd took a
wrestle out of him. Wall they had a lot of furrin dishes, sumthin what they
called beef all over mud, and another what they called a-charlotte russia-a
little shavin' mug made out of cake and full of sweetened lather, wall that was
mighty good eatin', though it took a lot of them, they wasn't very fillin'.
Then they handed me somethin' what they called ice cream, looked to me like a
hunk of casteel soap, wall I stuck my fork in it and tried to bite it, and it
slipped off and got inside my vest, and in less than a minnit I wuz froze from
my chin to my toes. I guess I cut a caper at Henry's house.
Uncle Josh in a Chinese Laundry
I
S'POSE I got tangled up the other day with the dogondest lookin' critter I
calculate I ever seen in all my born days, and I've bin around purty
considerable. I'd seen all sorts of cooriosoties and monstrosities in cirkuses
and meenagerys, but that wuz the fust time I'd ever seen a critter with his
head and tail on the same end. You see I sed to a feller, now whar abouts in
New York do you folks git your washin' done; when I left hum to come down here
I lowed I had enuff with me to do me, but I've stayed here a little longer than
I calculated to, and if I don't git some washin' done purty soon, I'll have to
go and jump in the river.
Wall he wuz a bligin sort of a feller, and he told me thar wuz a
place round the corner whar a feller done all the washin', so I went round, and
there was a sine on the winder what sed Hop Quick, or Hop Soon, or jump up and
hop, or some other kind of a durned hop; and then thar wuz a lot of figers on
the winder that I couldn't make head nor tail on; it jist looked to me like a
chicken with mud on its feet had walked over that winder.
Wall I went in to see bout gittin' my washin' done, and gosh all
spruce gum, thar was one of them pig tailed heathen Chineeze, he jist looked
fer all the world like a picter on Aunt Nancy Smith's tea cups. I wuz sort of
sot back fer a minnit, coz 'I sed to myself—I don't spose this durned critter
can talk English; but seein' as how I'm in here, I might as well find out. So I
told him I'd like to git him to do some washin' fer me, and he commenced a
talkin' some outlandish lingo, sounded to me like cider runnin' out of a jug,
somethin' like—ung tong oowong fang kai moi oo ung we, velly good washee. Wall
I understood the last of it and jist took his word fer the rest, so I giv him
my clothes and he giv me a little yeller ticket that he painted with a brush
what he had, and I'll jist bet a yoke of steers agin the holler in a log, that
no livin' mortal man could read that ticket; it looked like a fly had fell into
the ink bottle and then crawled over the paper. Wall I showed it to a gentleman
what was a standin' thar when I cum out, and I sed to him—mister, what in
thunder is this here thing, and he sed "Wall sir that's a sort of a lotery
ticket; every time you leave your clothes thar to have them washed you git one
of them tickets, and then you have a chance to draw a prize of some kind."
So I sed—wall now I want to know, how much is the blamed thing wuth, and he sed
"I spose bout ten cents," and I told him if he wanted my chants for
ten cents he could hav it, I didn't want to get tangled up in any lotery
gamblin' bizness with that saucer faced scamp. So he giv me ten cents and he
took the ticket, and in a couple of days I went round to git my washin', and
that pig tailed heathen he wouldn't let me hev em, coz I'd lost that lotery
ticket. So I sed—now look here Mr. Hop Soon, if you don't hop round and git me
my collars and ciffs and other clothes what I left here, I'll be durned if I
don't flop you in about a minnit, I will by chowder. Wall that critter he
commenced hoppin around and a talkin faster 'n a buzz saw could turn, and all I
could make out wuz—mee song lay tang moo me oo lay ung yong wo say mee tickee.
Wall I seen jist as plain as could be that he wuz a tryin' to swindle me outen
my clothes, so I made a grab fer him, and in less 'n a minnit we wuz a rollin'
round on the floor; fust I wuz on top, and then Mr. Hop Soon wuz on top, and
you couldn't hav told which one of us the pig tail belonged to. We upset the
stove and kicked out the winder, and I sot Mr. Hop Soon in the wash tub, and
when I got out of thar I had somebody's washin' in one hand and about five
yards of that pig tail in tother, and Mr. Hop Soon, he wuz standin' thar
yellin'—ung wa moo ye song ki le yung noy song oowe pelecee, pelecee, pelecee.
I had quite a time with that heathen critter.
WHEN
I wuz in New York one day I wuz a walkin' along down the street when I cum to a
theater or play doins' of some kind or other, so I got to lookin' at the
picters, and I noticed whar it sed it only cost ten cents to go in, and I
alowed I might as well go in and see it. Wall I don't spose I'd bin in thar
over five minutes afore I made myself the laffin' stock of every one in thar. I
noticed a feller a sottin' thar gittin' his boots blacked, and thar was a
durned little pick pockit a pickin' his pockits. Wall I didn't want to see him
git robbed, so I went right up to him and I sed—look out mister, you air
gittin' your pockits picked, wall sir, that durned cuss never sed a word and
every body commenced to laff, and I looked round to see what they wuz a laffin'
at, and it wan't no man at all, nothin' only a durned old wax figger. I never
felt so durned foolish since the day I popped the question to Samantha. Wall
then I looked round a spell longer, and thar wuz a feller what they called the
human pin cushion, and he wuz stuck chock full of needles and pins and looked
like a hedge hog; he'd be a mighty handy feller at a quiltin'. Wall, then a
feller cum along and sed, "everybody over to this end of the hall."
Wall, I went along with the rest of them, and durn my buttins if thar wa'nt a
feller what had more picters painted on him than thar is in a story book. Wall,
I'd jist got to lookin' at him when that feller what had charge sed,
"right this way everybody," and we all went into whar they wuz havin'
the theater doins', and I got sot down and a feller cum out and sung a song I
hadn't heered since I wuz a youngster. Neer as I kin remember it wuz this way—
Kind friends I hadn't had but one sleigh ride this year, And I cum within one of not bein' here, The facts I'll relate near as I kin remember, It happened some time 'bout last December. Li too ra loo ri too ra loo ri too ra loo la ri do. The load was composed of both girls and boys, All tryin' to outdo the other in noise. And the way that we guarded agin the cold weather Wuz settin' all up spoon fashion together. Li too ra loo ri too ra loo ri too ra loo ri li do.
Wall, they had a parrit in that place and the way he sputtered and
jabbered and talked! He wuz a whole show all to himself. Wall, I bought one of
them birds from a feller one time—he said it wuz a good talker. Wall, I took it
hum and hed it about three months, and it never sed a durned word. I put in
most of my spare time tryin' to git it to say "Uncle Josh," but the
durned critter wouldn't do it, so I got mad at him one day and throwed him out
in the barn yard amongst the chickens, and left him thar. Wall, when I went out
the next mornin', I tell you thar wuz a sight. Half of them chickens wuz dead,
and the rest of 'em wuz skeered to death, and that durned parrit had a rooster
by the neck up agin the barn, and jist a givin' him an awful whippin', and
every time he'd hit him he'd say, "Now you say Uncle Josh, gol durn you,
you say Uncle Josh."
I
USED to read in our town paper down home at Punkin Centre a whole lot about
Wall street and them bulls and bears, and one thing and another, so I jist sed
to myself—now Joshua, when you git down to New York City, that's jist what you
want to see. Wall, when I got to New York, I got a feller to show me whar it
wuz, and I'll be durned if I know why they call it Wall street; it didn't hav
any wall round it. I walked up and down it bout an hour and a half, and I
couldn't find any stock exchange or see any place fer watterin' any stock. I
couldn't see a pig nor a cow, nor a sheep nor a calf, or anything else that
looked like stock to me. So finally I sed to a gentleman—Mister, whar do they
keep the menagery down here. He sed "what menagery?" I sed the place
whar they've got all them bulls and bears a fitin'. Wall he looked at me as
though he thought I wuz crazy, and I guess he did, but he sed "you cum
along with me, guess I can show you what you want to see." Wall I went
along with him, and he took me up to some public institushun, near as I could
make out it wuz a loonytick asylem. Wall he took me into a room about two akers
and a half squar, and thar wuz about two thousand of the crazyest men in thar I
ever seen in all my life. The minnit I sot eyes on them I knowed they wuz all
crazy, and I'd hav to umer them if I got out of thar alive. One feller wuz a
standin' on the top of a table with a lot of papers in his hand, and a yellin'
like a Comanche injin, and all the rest of them wuz tryin' to git at him.
Finally I sed to one of 'em—Mister, what are you a tryin' to do with that
feller up thar on the table? And he sed, "Wall he's got five thousand
bushels of wheat and we are tryin' to git it away from him." Wall, jist
the minnit he sed that I knowed fer certain they wuz all crazy, cos nobody but
a crazy man would ever think he had five thousand bushels of wheat in his coat
and pants pockits. Wall when they wan't a looking I got out of thar, and I felt
mighty thankful to git out. There wuz a feller standin' on the front steps; he
had a sort of a unyform on; I guess he wuz Superintendent of the institushun;
he talked purty sassy to me. I sed, Mister, what time does the fust car go up
town. He sed "the fust one went about twenty-five years ago." I sed
to him—is that my car over thar? He sed "no sir, that car belongs to the
street car company." I sez, wall guess I'll take it anyhow. He says
"you'd better not, thar's bin a good many cars missed around here
lately." I sed, wall now, I want to know, is thar anything round here any
fresher than you be? He sed, "yes, sir, that bench you're a sotten on is a
little fresher; they painted it about ten minnits ago." Wall, I got up and
looked, and durned if he wasn't right.
Uncle Josh and the Fire Department
ONE
day in New York, I thot I'd rite a letter home. Wall after I'd got it all writ,
I sed to the landlord of the tavern—now, whar abouts in New York do you keep
the post offis? And he sed, "what do you want with the post offis?"
So I told him I'd jist writ a letter home to mother and Samantha Ann, and I'd
like to go to the post offis and mail it. And he told me "you don't have
to go to the post offis, do you see that little box on the post thar on the
corner?" I alowed as how I did. Wall he says, "You jist go out thar
and put your letter in that box, and it will go right to the post offis."
I sed—wall now, gee whiz, ain't that handy. Wall I went out thar, and I had a
good deal of trouble in gittin' the box open, and when I did git it open, thar
wan't any place to put my letter, thar wuz a lot of notes and hooks and hinges,
and a lot of readin,' it sed—"pull on the hook twice and turn the
knob," or somethin, like that, I couldn't jist rightly make it out. Wall I
yanked on that hook 'till I tho't I'd pull it out by the roots, but I couldn't
git the durned thing open, then I turned on the knob two or three times, and
that didn't do any good, so I pulled on the hook and turned on the knob at the
same time, and jist then I think all the fire bells in New York commenced to
ringin' all to onct. Wall I looked round to see whar the fire wuz, and a lot of
fire ingines and hook and ladder wagons cum a gallopin' up to whar I stood, and
they had a big sody water bottle on wheels, and it busted and squirted sody
water all over me. Wall one of them fire fellers, lookin' jist like I'd seen
them in picters in Ezra Hoskin's insurance papers, he cum up to me madder'n a
hornet, and he sed "what are you tryin' to do with that box?" So I
told him I'd jist writ a letter home, and I wuz a tryin' to mail it. He sed
"why you durned old green horn, you've called out the hull fire department
of New York City." Wall I guess you could have knocked me down with a
feather. I sed—wall you'r a purty healthy lookin' lot of fellers, it won't hurt
ye any to go back, will it? Wall he sed, "thars your letter box over on
thother corner, now you let this box alone." Wall they all drove away, and
I went over to the other box, but I didn't know whether to touch it or not, I
didn't know but maybe I'd call out the state legislater if I opened it. Wall
while I wuz a standin' thar a feller cum along and looked all round, and when
he thot thar wan't any body watchin' him, he opened that box and commenced
takin' the letters out. Wall I'd heered a whole lot 'bout them post offis
robbers, when I wuz post master down home at Punkin Center, so jist arrested
him right thar, I took him by the nap of the neck and flopped him right down on
the side walk, and sot on him, I hollered—MURDER! PERLEES! and every other
thing I could think of, and a lot of constables and town marshalls cum a
runnin' up, and one of them sed "what are you holdin' this man fer?"
and I told him I'd caught him right in the act of robbin' the United States
Post Offis, and by gosh I arrested him. Wall they all commenced a laffin', and
I found out I'd arrested one of the post masters of New York City.
I lost mother's letter and she never did git it.
Uncle Josh in an Auction Room
I'D
seen a good many funny things in New York at one time and another, so the last
day I wuz thar, I wuz a packin' up my traps, a gittin' ready to go home, when I
jist conclooded I'd go out and buy somethin' to remember New York by.
Wall I wuz a walkin' along down the street when I cum to a place
whar they wuz auckshuneerin' off a lot of things. I stopped to see what they
had to sell. Wall that place wuz jist chuck full of old-fashioned cooriositys.
I saw an old book thar, they sed it wuz five hundred years old, and it belonged
at one time to Loois the Seventeenth or Eighteenth, or some of them old
rascals; durned if I believe anybody could read it.
Wall I commenced a biddin' on different things, but it jist looked
as though everybody had more money than I did, and they sort of out-bid me; but
finally they put up an old-fashioned shugar bowl fer sale, and I wanted to git
that mighty bad, cos I thought as how mother would like it fust rate. Wall I
commenced a biddin' on it, and it wuz knocked down to me fer three dollars and
fifty cents I put my hand in my pockit to git my pockit book to pay fer it, and
by gosh it was gone. So I went up to the feller what wuz a sellin' the things,
and I sed—now look here mister, will you jist wait a minnit with your "goin'
at thirty make it thirty-five, once, twice, three times a goin'", and he
sed "wall now what's the matter with you?" And I sed, there's matter
enuff, by gosh; when I cum in here I had a pockit book in my pockit, had fifty
dollars in it, and I lost it somewhars round here; I wish you'd say to the
feller what found it that I'll give five dollars fer it; another feller sed
"make it ten," another sed "give you twenty," and another
sed "go you twenty-five."
Durned if I know which one of 'em got it; when I left they wuz
still a biddin' on it.
Advice—Advice is somethin' the other feller can't use, so he gives it to you.—Punkin Centre Philosophy.
Uncle Josh on a Fifth Ave. 'Bus
I
WUZ always sort of fond of ridin', so I guess while I wuz down in New York I rode
on about everything they've got to ride on thar. I wuz on hoss cars and hot air
cars, and them sky light elevated roads. Wall, I had jist about cum to the
conclushun that every street in New York had a different kind of a street car
on it, but I found one that didn't have care of any kind, I think they call it
Avenoo Five. Wall, I wuz a standin' thar one day a watchin' the people and
things go by, when all to onct along cum the durndest lookin' contraption I
calculate I ever seen in my life. It wuz a sort of a wagon, kind of a cross
between a band wagon and a hay rack, and it had a pair of stairs what commenced
at the hind end and rambled around all over the wagon. I sed to a gentleman
standin' thar: "Mr. in the name of all that's good and bad, what do you
call that thing?" He sed: "Wall, sir, that's a Fifth Avenoo
'bus." I sed: "Wall, now, I want to know, kin I ride on it?" And
he sed: "You kin if you've got a nickel." Wall, I got in and sot
down, and I jist about busted my buttins a laffin' at things what happened in
that 'bus. Thar wuz a young lady cum in and sot down, and she had a little
valise in her hand, 'bout a foot squar. Wall, she opened the valise and took
out a purse and shet the valise, then she opened the purse and took out a dime,
and shet the purse, opened the valise and put in the purse, and shet the
valise, then she handed the dime to a feller sottin' out on the front of the
'bus, and he give her a nickel back. Then she opened the valise and took out
the purse, shet the valise and opened the purse and put in the nickel and shet
the purse, opened the valise and put in the purse and shet the valise, then
sed, "Stop the bus, please." Wall, I had to snicker right out, though
I done my best not to, but I jist couldn't help it. I didn't have any small
change so I handed the feller a five-dollar bill. Wall, that feller jist sot
and looked at it fer a spell, then he sed "whoa!" stopped the hosses,
cum round to the hind end of the 'bus and he sed: "Who give me that
five-dollar bill?" I sed: "I did, and it was a good one, too."
He sed: "Wall, you cum out here, I want to see you." Wall, I didn't
know what he wanted, but I jist made up my mind if he indulged in any
foolishness with me I'd flop him in about a minnit. Wall, I got out thar, and
he sed: "Now look here, honest injun, did you give me that five-dollar
bill?" I sed: "Yes, sir, that's jist what I done," and he sed,
"Wall, now, which one of the hosses do you want?" Gosh, I don't
believe I'd gin him five dollars fer the whole durned outfit.
Ambition—Somethin' that has made one man a senator, and another man a convict.—Punkin Centre Philosophy
Uncle Josh in a Department Store
ONE
day while I wuz in New York I sed to a feller, now whar kin I find one of them
stores whar they hav purty near everything to sell what thar is on earth, and
he sed "I guess you mean a department store, don't you?" I sed, wall
I don't know bout that; they may sell departments at one of them stores, but
what I want to git is some muzlin and some caliker. Wall he showed me which way
to go, and I started out, and wuz walkin' along down the street lookin' at
things, when some feller throwed a bananer peelin' on the sidewalk. Wall now I
don't think much of a man what throws a bananer peelin' on the sidewalk, and I don't
think much of a bananer what throws a man on the sidewalk, neether. Wall, by
chowder, my foot hit that bananer peelin' and I went up in the air, and cum
down ker-plunk, and fer about a minnit I seen all the stars what stronomy tells
about, and some that haint been discovered yit. Wall jist as I wuz pickin'
myself up a little boy cum runnin' cross the street and he sed "Oh mister,
won't you please do that agin, my mother didn't see you do it." Wall I
wish I could a got my hands on that little rascal fer about a minnit, and his
mother would a seen me do it.
I found one of them stores finally, and I got on the inside and
told a feller what I wanted, and he sent me over to a red-headed girl, and she
sent me over to a bald-headed feller; she sed he didn't have anythin' to do
only walk the floor and answer questions. Wall I went up to him and I sed,
mister I'm sort of a stranger round here, wish you'd show me round 'til I do a
little bargainin'. And he sed "Oh you git out, you've got hay seed in your
hair." Wall I jist looked at that bald head of hisn, and I sed, wall now,
you haint got any hay seed in YOUR hair, hav you? Everybody commenced a
laffin', and he got purty riled, so he sed, smart like, "jist step this
way, please." Wall he showed me round and I bought what I wanted, and when
I cum to pay the feller what I had to pay, it didn't look as though I wuz a
goin' to git any of my money back. I handed him a ten dollar bill, and he jist
took it and put it in a little baskit and hitched it onto a wire, and the durned
thing commenced runnin' all over the store. Wall now you can jist bet your
boots I lit out right after it; I chased it up one side and down the other, I
knocked down five or six wimmin clerks, and I upset five or six bargain
counters; I took a wrastle out of that bald-headed feller, and jist then some
one commenced to holler "CASH" and I sed yep, that's what I'm after.
Wall I chased that durned little baskit round 'til I got up to it, and when I
did I was right thar whar I started from. Gee whiz, I never felt more foolish
in all my life.
Prosperity—Consists principally of contentment; for the man who is contented is prosperous, in his own way of thinking, though his neighbors may have a different opinion. —Punkin Centre Philosophy.
Uncle Josh's Comments on the Signs Seen
in New York
I
SEEN a good many funny things when I wuz in New York, but I think some of the
sines what they've got on some of the bildins' are 'bout as funny as anything I
ever seen in my life.
I wuz walkin' down the street one day and I seen a sine, it sed
"Quick Lunch." Wall, I felt a little hungry, so I went into the
resturant or bordin' house, or whatever they call it, and they had some sines
hangin' on the walls in thar that jist about made me laff all over. I noticed
one sine sed "Put your trust in the Lord," and right under it wuz
another sine what sed "Try our mince pies." Wall, I tried one of
them, and I want to tell you right now, if you eat many of them mince pies you
want to put your trust in the Lord.
Wall, I got out of thar, and I walked along fer quite a spell, and
finally I cum to a store what had a lot of red, white and blue, and yeller and
purple lights in the winder. Wall, I stopped to look at it, cos it wuz a purty
thing, and they had a sine in that winder that jist tickled me, it sed,
"Frog in your throat 10C." I wouldn't put one of them critters in my
throat fer ten dollars.
Wall, jist a little further up the street I seen another sine what
sed "Boots blacked on the inside." Now, any feller what gits his
boots blacked on the inside ain't got much respect fer his socks. I git mine
blacked on the outside. Then I cum to a sine what had a lot of 'lectric lights
shinin' on it, and I could read it jist as plain as day; so I happened to turn
round and when I looked at that sine agin, it wa'nt the same sine at all, and
jist then it changed right in front of my very eyes, and I cum to the
conclooshun that some feller on the inside wuz a turnin' on it jist to have fun
with folks, so I cum away; but I had a mighty good laff or two watchin' other
folks git fooled, cos it would turn fust one way and then the t'other, and
'fore you could make up your mind what it wuz, the durned thing wouldn't be
that at all.
A little further up the street I seen a sine what sed, "This
is the door." Now, any durned fool could see it wuz a door. And then I
seen another sine what sed "Walk in." Wall, now, I wunder how in
thunder they thought a feller wuz a goin' to cum in, on hoss back, or on a
bisickle, or how. And then I seen another sine, it wuz in a winder and had a
lot of tools around it, and the sine sed, "Cast iron sinks." Wall,
now, any durned fool what don't know that cast iron sinks, ought to have some
one feel his head and find out what ails him.
NOW
I'll jist bet I had more fun to the squar inch while I wuz in New York, than
any old feller what ever broke out of a New England smoke house. I had a little
the durnd'st time a ridin' on them street cars what they got thar. Wall I wa'nt
a ridin' on 'emnear as much as I wuz a runnin' after 'em tryin' to ketch 'em.
Gosh, I wuz a runnin' after street cars and fire ingines, and every durned
thing with red wheels on it, I calculate I run about a mile and a half after a
feller one day to tell him the water what he had in his wagon wuz all leakin'
out, and when I caught up to him I found out it wuz a durned old sprinklin'
cart.
Wall I got on one of them street cars one day, and it wuz purty
crowded, and thar wa'nt any place fer me to sot down, so I had to hang onto one
of them little harness straps along side of the car. So I got holt of a strap
and I wuz hangin' on, when the conductor sed "old man, you'r goin' to be
in the road thar, you'd better move up a little further, wall I moved up a
little ways and I stepped on a feller's toe, and gee whiz, he got madder'n a
wet hen, he sed, 'can't you see whar you'r a steppin'?" I sed, "guess
I kin, but you brought them feet in here, and I've got to step some whar."
Wall every one begin to laff, and the conductor sed, "old man you'r makin'
too much trouble, you'll have to move for'ard again," and I got off 'n the
gosh durned old car; I paid him a nickel to ride, but I guess I might as well
have walked, I wuz a walkin' purty much all the time I wuz in thar.
Wall I got onto another car, and I got sot down, and I never
laffed so much in all my life. Up in one end of the car thar wuz a little slim
lady, and right along side of her wuz a big fleshy lady, and it didn't look as
though the little slim lady wuz a gittin' more'n about two cents and a half
worth of room, so finally she turned round to the fleshy lady and sed,
"they ought to charge by weight on this line," and the big lady sed
"Wall if they did they wouldn't stop fer you." Gosh I had to snicker
right out loud.
Thar wuz a little boy a sottin' alongside of the big lady, and
three ladys got onto the car all to onct, and thar wa'nt any place fer 'em to
sot down, and so the big lady sed—"little boy, you'd oughter git up and
let one of them ladys sot down," and the little boy sed, "you git up
and they can all sot down." Wall by that time your uncle wuz a laffin'
right out.
Sottin' right alongside of me wuz a lady and she had the purtiest
little baby I calculate I'd ever seen in all my born days, I wanted to be
sociable with the little feller so I jist sort of waved my hand at him, and sed
how-d'e-do baby, and that lady just looked et me scornful like and sed
"rubber," wall I wuz never more sot back, I guess you could have
knocked me down with a feather, I thought it was a genuine baby, I didn't know
the little thing was rubber.
Wall I noticed up in one end of the car thar wuz a little round
masheen, and the conductor had a clothes line tied to it, and every time he got
a nickel he'd yank on that clothes line, and fust it sed in and then it sed
out, I couldn't tell what all them little ins and outs meant, but I jist cum to
the conclusion it showed how much the conductor wuz in and the company wuz out.
Wall I got to talkin' to that feller on the front end of the car,
and he wuz a purty nice sort of a feller, he showed me how every thing worked
and told me all about it, wall when I got off I sed—good bye, mister, hope I'll
see you agin some time, and he sed, "oh, I'll run across you one of these
days," I told him by gosh he wouldn't run across me if I seen him a
comin'.
My Fust Pair of Copper Toed Boots
THAR'S a feelin' of pleasure, mixed in with some pain, That over my memory scoots, When I think of my boyhood days once again And my fust pair of copper toed boots. How our folks stood around when I fust tried them on, And bravely marched out on the floor, And father remarked "thar a mighty good fit And the best to be had at the store." That night, I remember, I took them to bed, With the rest of us little galoots, And among other things in my prars which I sed Wuz a reference to copper toed boots. And then in the mornin' the fust one on hand Wuz me and my new acquisition, And thar wuzn't a spot in the house that I missed, From the garret clar down to the kitchen. Then with feelin's expandin', and huntin' fer room, I concluded I'd help do the chores; Fer I felt as though somethin' wuz goin' to bust If I didn't git right out of doors. But those boots they were new, and the ice it wuz slick, And I couldn't get one way or tother, And I jist had to stand right there in one spot And holler like thunder fer mother. But trouble's a blessing sometimes in disguise Fer I larned right thar on the spot, That the best sort of knowledge to hav in this world Is that by experience taught. So though many years have since passed away, And I've ventured on various routes, I'm still tryin' things jist as risky today As my fust pair of copper toed boots.
I
NEVER wuz in a town in my life what had as many cort houses in it as New York
has got. It jist seemed to me like every judge in New York had a cort house of
his own, and most of them cort houses seemed to be along side of some markit
house. Thar wuz the Jefferson Markit Cort, and the Essicks Markit Cort, and
several other corts and markits, and markits and corts, I can't remember now.
Wall, I used to be Jestice of the Peece down home at Punkin Center, and I wuz a
little anxious to see how they handled law and jestice in New York City, so one
mornin' I went down to one of them cort houses, and thar wuz more different
kinds of people in thar than I ever seen afore. Thar wuz all kinds of
nationalitys—Norweegans, Germans, Sweeds, Hebrews, and Skandynavians, Irish and
colored folks, old and young, dirty and clean, good, bad and worse. The Judge,
he wuz a sottin' up on the bench, and a sayin,: "Ten days; ten dollars;
Geery society; foundlin' asylum; case dismissed; bring in the next
prisoner," and the Lord only knows what else. Wall, some of the cases they
tried in that cort house made me snicker right out loud. They brought in a
little Irish feller, and the Judge sed: "Prisoner, what is your
name?" And the little Irish feller sed: "Judge, your honor, my name
is McGiness, Patrick McGiness." And the Judge sed: "Mr. McGiness,
what is your occupation?" And the little Irish feller sed: "Judge,
your honor, I am a sailor." The Judge sed: "Mr. McGiness, you don't
look to me as though you ever saw a ship in all your life." And the little
Irish feller sed: "Wall Judge, your honor, if I never saw a ship in me
life, do you think I cum over from Ireland in a wagon?" The Judge sed:
"Case dismissed. Bring in the next prisoner."
Wall, the next prisoner what they brought in had sort of an
impediment in his talk, and the way he stuttered jist beat all. The Judge sed:
"Prisoner, what is your name?" And the prisoner sed:
"Jd-Jd-J-J-Judge, yr-yr-yo-yo-your h-h-h-hon-hon-honor, m-mm-my-my
n-n-na-na-name is-is-is——." The Judge sed: "Never mind, that will do.
Officer, what is this prisoner charged with?" And the officer sed:
"Judge, your honor, the way he talks sounds to me like he might be charged
with sody water." Gosh, I got to laffin' so I had to git right out of the
cort house.
It sort of made me think of a law soot we had down hum when Jim
Lawson wuz Jestice of the Peece. You see it wuz like this: One spring Si
Pettingill wuz goin' out to Mizoori to be gone 'bout a year, and he'd sold off
'bout all his things 'cept one cow, and he didn't want to part with the cow,
'cause she wuz a mighty good milker, so he struck a bargin with Lige Willet.
Lige wuz to keep the cow, paster and feed her, and generally take keer on her
fer the milk she giv. Wall, finally Si cum hum, and he went to Lige's place one
day and sed: "Wall, Lige, I've cum over to git my cow." And Lige sed:
"Cum after your cow? Wall, if you've got any cow round here I'll be durned
if I know it." Si sed: "Wall, Lige, I left my cow with you." And
Lige sed: "Wall, that's a year ago, and she's et her head off two or three
times since then." So Si sed: "Wall, Lige, you've had her milk fer
her keep." And Lige sed: "Milk be durned, she went dry three weeks
after you left, and she ain't give any milk since, and near as I can figger it
out, seems to me as how I've pestered her and fed her all this time, she's my
cow." Si sed: "No, Lige, that wa'nt the bargin." But Lige sed:
"Bargin or no bargin, I've got her, and seein' as how posession is 'bout
nine points in the law, I'm goin' to keep her."
So they went to law about it, and all Punkin Centre turned out to
heer the trial. Wall, after Jim Lawson had heered both sides of the case, he
sed: "The Cort is compelled, from the evidence sot forth in this case, to
find for the plaintiff, the aforesaid Silas Pettingill, as agin' the defendant,
the aforesaid Elijah Willet. We find from the evidence sot forth that the cow
critter in question is a valuable critter, and wuth more 'n a year's paster and
keep, and, tharfore, it is the verdict of this cort that the aforesaid
defendant, Elijah Willet, shall keep the cow two weeks longer, and then she is
hisn."
I'D
heerd tell a whole lot at various times 'bout that place what they call Coney
Iland, and while I wuz down In New York, I jist made up my mind I wuz a goin'
to see it, so one day I got on one of them keers what goes across the Brooklyn
bridge, and I started out for Coney Iland. Settin' right along side of me in
the keer wuz an old lady, and she seemed sort of figity 'bout somethin' or
other, and finaly she sed to me "mister, do these cars stop when we git on
the other side of the bridge?" I sed, wall now if they don't you'll git
the durndest bump you ever got in your life.
Wall we got on the other side, and I got on one of them tra-la-lu
cars what goes down to Coney Iland. I give the car feller a dollar, and he put
it in his pockit jist the same as if it belonged to him. Wall, when I wuz
gittin' purty near thar I sed, Mister, don't I git any change? He sed,
"didn't you see that sign on the car?" I sed, no sir. Wall he sez
"you better go out and look at it."
Wall I went out and looked at it, and that settled it. It sed
"This car goes to Coney Iland without change." Guess it did; I'll be
durned if I got any.
Wall we got down thar, and I must say of all the pandemonium and
hubbub I ever heered in my life, Coney Iland beats it all. Bout the fust thing
I seen thar wuz a place what they called "Shoot the Shoots." It
looked like a big hoss troff stood on end, one end in a duck pond and tother
end up in the air, and they would haul a boat up to the top and all git in and
then cum scootin' down the hoss troff into the pond. Wall I alowed that ud be
right smart fun, so I got into one of the boats along with a lot of other folks
I never seed afore and don't keer if I never see agin. They yanked us up to the
top of that troff and then turned us loose, and I jist felt as though the whole
earth had run off and left us. We went down that troff lickety split, and a
woman what wuz settin' alongside of me, got skeered and grabbed me round the
neck; and I sed, you let go of me you brazen female critter. But she jist hung
on and hollered to beat thunder, and everybody wuz a yellin' all to onct, and
that durned boat wuz a goin' faster'n greased lightnin' and I had one hand on
my pockit book and tother on my hat, and we went kerslap dab into that duck
pond, and the durned boat upsot and we went into the water, and that durned
female critter hung onto me and hollered "save me, I'm jist a drownin'."
Wall the water wasn't very deep and I jist started to wade out when along cum
another boat and run over us, and under we went ker-souse. Wall I managed to
get out to the bank, and that female woman sed I was a base vilian to not
rescue a lady from a watery grave. And I jist told her if she had kept her
mouth shet she wouldn't hav swallered so much of the pond.
Wall they had one place what they called the Middle Way Plesumps,
and another place what they called The Streets of Caro, and they had a lot of
shows a goin' on along thar. Wall I went into one of 'em and sot down, and I
guess if they hadn't of shet up the show I'd a bin sottin' thar yet. I purty
near busted my buttins a laffin'. They had a lot of gals a dancin' some kind of
a dance; I don't know what they called it, but it sooted me fust rate. When I
got home, the more I thought about it the more I made up my mind I'd learn that
dance. Wall I went out in the corn field whar none of the neighbors could see
me, and I'll be durned if I didn't knock down about four akers of corn, but I
never got that dance right. I wuz the talk of the whole community; mother
didn't speak to me fer about a week, and Aunt Nancy Smith sed I wuz a burnin'
shame and a disgrace to the village, but I notice Nancy has asked me a good many
questions about jist how it was, and I wouldn't wonder if we didn't find Nancy
out in the cornfield one of these days.
WALL,
I sed to mother when I left hum, now mother, when I git down to New York City
I'm goin' to see a regular first-class theater. We never had many theater
doin's down our way. Wall, thar wuz a theater troop cum to Punkin Centre along
last summer, but we couldn't let 'em hav the Opery House to show in 'cause it
wuz summer time and the Opery House wuz full of hay, and we couldn't let 'em
hav it 'cause we hadn't any place to put the hay. An then about a year and a
half ago thar wuz a troop cum along that wuz somethin' about Uncle Tom's home;
they left a good many of their things behind 'em when they went away. Ezra
Hoskins he got one of the mules, and he tried to hitch it up one day; Doctor
says he thinks Ezra will be around in about six weeks. I traded one of the dogs
to Ruben Hendricks fer a shot gun; Rube cum over t'other day, borrowed the gun
and shot the dog.
Wall, I got into one of your theaters here, got sot down and wuz
lookin' at it; and it wuz a mighty fine lookin' pictur with a lot of lights
shinin' on it, and I wuz enjoyin' it fust rate, when a lot of fellers cum out
with horns and fiddles, and they all started in to fiddlin' and tootin', end
all to once they pulled the theatre up, and thar wuz a lot of folks having a
regular family quarrel. I knowed that wasn't any of my business, and I sort of
felt uneasy like; but none of the rest of the folks seemed to mind it any, so I
calculated I'd see how it cum out, though my hands sort of itched to get hold
of one feller, 'cause I could see if he would jest go 'way and tend to his own
business thar wouldn't be any quarrel. Wall, jest then a young feller handed me
a piece of paper what told all about the theater doin's, and I got to lookin'
at that and I noticed on it whar it sed thar wuz five years took place 'tween
the fust part and the second part. I knowed durned well I wouldn't have time to
wait and see the second part, so I got up and went out. Wall, them theater
doin's jest put me in mind of somethin' what happened down hum on the last day
of school. You see the school teacher got all the big boys and the big girls,
and the boys they read essays and the girls recited poetry. One of the Skinner
girls recited a piece that sooted me fust rate. Neer as I kin remember it went
somethin' like this:
How nice to hear the bumble-bee When you go out a fishin', But if you happen to sot down on him, He'll spoil your disposition.
I liked that; thar wuz somethin' so touchin' about it. Then the
school teacher he got all the girls in the 'stronomy class and he dressed them
up to represent the different kinds of planits. He had one girl to represent
the sun—she wuz red-headed; and another one to represent the moon, and another
one fer Mars, and another one fer Jerupetir, and it looked mighty fine, and
everythin' wuz a gettin' along fust rate 'til old Jim Lawson 'lowed he could
make an improvement on it; so he went out and got a colord girl, and he wanted
to sot her between the sun and the moon and make an eklips. And as usual he
busted up the whole doin's.
I
USED to hear the summer boarders tell a whole lot about a place here in New
York kept by Mr. Delmonico. Thar's bin about ten thousand summer boarders down
to Punkin Centre one time and another, and I guess I've carried the bundles and
stood the grumblin' from about all of them; and when anyone of 'em would find
fault with anythin' I used to ast him whar he boarded at in New York, and they
all told me at Mr. Delmonico's; so I'd cum to the conclusion that Mr. Delmonico
must hav a right smart purty good sized tavern; and I sed to mother—now mother,
when I git down to New York that's whar I'm goin' to board, at Mr. Delmonico's.
Wall, I got a feller to show me whar it wuz, and when I got on the
inside I don't s'pose I wuz ever more sot back in all my life; guess you could
have knocked my eyes off with a club; they stuck out like bumps on a log. Wall
sir, they had flowers and birds everywhere, and trees a settin' in wash tubs,
didn't look to me as though they would stand much of a gale; and about a
hundred and fifty patent wind mills runnin' all to onct, and out in the woods
somewhar they had a band a-playin'. I couldn't see 'em but I could hear 'em;
guess some of 'em wuz a havin' a dance to settle down their dinner; I couldn't
tell whether it was a society festival or a camp meetin' at feedin' time. Wall,
one feller cum up to me and commenced talkin' some furrin language I didn't understand,
somethin' about bon-sour, mon-sour. I jist made up my mind he wuz one of them
bunco fellers, and I wouldn't talk to him. Then another feller cum up right
smart like and wanted to know if I'd hav my dinner table de hotel or all over a
card, and I told him if it wuz all the same to him he could bring me my dinner
on a plate. Wall, he handed me a programme of the dinner and I et about half
way down it and drank a bottle of cider pop what he give me, and it got into my
head, and I never felt so durn good in all my life. I got to singin' and I
danced Old Dan Tucker right thar in the dinin' room, and I took a wrestle out
of Mr. bon-sour mon-sour; and jist when I got to enjoyin' myself right good,
they called in a lot of constables, and it cost me sixteen dollars and
forty-five cents, and then they took me out ridin' in a little blue wagon with
a bell on it, and they kept ringin' the bell every foot of the way to let folks
know I wuz one of Mr. Delmonico's boarders.
It is Fall
THE days are gettin' shorter, and the summer birds are leaving, The wind sighs in the tree tops, as though all nature was grieving; The leaves they drop in showers, there's a blue haze over all, And a feller is reminded that once again it's Fall. It is a glorious season, the crops most gathered in, The wheat is in the granary and the oats are in the bin; A feller jest feels splendid, right in harmony with all, The old cider mill a-humin', 'gosh, I know it's Fall. I hear the Bob White whistlin' down by the water mill, While dressed in gorgeous colors is each valley, knoll and hill; The cows they are a-lowing, as they slowly wander home, And the hives are just a-bustin' with the honey in the comb. Soon be time for huskin' parties, or an apple paring bee, And the signs of peace and plenty are just splendid for to see; The flowers they are drooping, soon there won't be none at all, Old Jack Frost has nipped them, and by that I know it's Fall. The muskrat has built himself a house down by the old mill pond, The squirrels are laying up their store from the chestnut trees beyond; While walking through the orchard I can hear the ripe fruit fall; There's an air of quiet comfort that only comes with Fall. The wind is cool and bracing, and it makes you feel first-rate, And there's work to keep you going from early until late; So you feel like giving praises unto Him who doeth all, Nature heaps her blessings on you at this season, and it's Fall. The nights are getting frosty and the fire feels pretty good, I like to see the flames creep up among the burning wood; Away across the hilltops I can hear the hoot owl call, He is looking for his supper, I guess he knows its Fall. And though the year is getting old and the trees will soon be bare, There's a satisfactory feeling of enough and some to spare; For there's still some poor and needy who for our help do call, So we'll share with them our blessings and be thankful that it's Fall.
WALL,
one day jist shortly after sap season wuz over, we wuz all sottin' round Ezra
Hoskins's store, talkin' on things in general, when up drove Si Pettingill with
a load of brooms. Wall, we all took a long breath, and got ready to see some as
tall bargainin' as wuz ever done in Punkin Centre. 'Cause Si, he could see a
bargain through a six-inch plank on a dark night, and Ezra could hear a dollar
bill rattle in a bag of feathers a mile off, and we all felt mighty sartin
suthin' wuz a goin' to happen. Wall, Si, he sort er stood 'round, didn't say
much, and Ezra got most uncommonly busy—he had more business than a town
marshal on circus day.
Wall, after he had sold Aunt Nancy Smith three yards of caliker,
and Ruben Hendricks a jack-knife, and swapped Jim Lawson a plug of tobacker fer
a muskrat hide, he sed: "How's things over your way, Si?" Si
remarked: "things wuz 'bout as usual, only the water had bin most uncommon
high, White Fork had busted loose and overflowed everything, Sprosby's mill wuz
washed out, and Lige Willits's paster wuz all under water, which made it purty
hard on the cows, and Lige had to strain the milk two or three times to git the
minnews out of it. Whitaker's young 'uns wuz all havin' measles to onct, and
thar wuz a revival goin' on at the Red Top Baptist church, and most every one
had got religion, and things wuz a runnin' 'long 'bout as usual."
Deacon Witherspoon sed: "Did you git religion, Si?" Si
sed: "No, Deacon; I got baptized, but it didn't take—calculated I might as
well have it done while thar wuz plenty of water."
"Thought I'd cum over today, Ezra; I've got some brooms I'd
like to sell ye." Ezra sed: "Bring 'em in, Si, spring house cleanin'
is comin' on and I'll most likely need right smart of brooms, so jist bring 'em
in." Si sed: "Wall, Ezra, don't see as thar's any need to crowd the
mourners, can't we dicker on it a little bit; I want cash fer these brooms,
Ezra, I don't want any store trade fer 'em." Ezra sed: "Wall, I don't
know 'bout that, Si; seems to me that's a gray hoss of another color, I always
gin ye store trade fer your eggs, don't I?" Si sed: "Y-a-s—, and
that's a gray hoss of another color; ye never seen a hen lay brooms, did ye? Brooms
is sort of article of commerce, Ezra, and I want cash fer 'em." Wall,
Ezra, he looked 'round the store and thot fer a spell, and then he sed:
"Tell ye what I'll do, Si; I'll gin ye half cash and the other half trade,
how'll that be?" Si sed: "Guess that'll be all right, Ezra. Whar will
I put the brooms?" Ezra sed: "Put them in the back end of the store,
Si, and stack 'em up good; I hadn't got much room, and I've got a lot of things
comin' in from Boston and New York." Wall, after Si had the brooms all in,
he sed: "Wall, thar they be, five dozen on 'em." Ezra sed: "Sure
thar's five dozen?" Si sed: "Yas; counted 'em on the wagon, counted
'em off agin, and counted 'em when I made 'em." So Ezra sed: "Wall,
here's your money; now what do you want in trade?" Si looked 'round fer a
spell and sed: "I don't know, Ezra; don't see anything any of our folks
pertickerly stand in need on. If it's all the same to you, Ezra, I'll take
BROOMS?"
Wall, Jim Lawson fell off'n a wash-tub and Ruben Hendricks cut his
thumb with his new jack-knife, and Deacon Witherspoon sed: "No, Si, that
baptizin' didn't take." And Ezra—wall, it wan't his say.
Suspicion—Consists mainly of thinking what we would do if we wuz in the other feller's place. —Punkin Centre Philosophy.
WALL,
about two weeks ago the boys sed to me, Uncle we'd like to hav you cum out and
play a game of golf. Wall, they took me out behind the woodshed whar mother
couldn't see us and them durned boys dressed your uncle up in the dogondest
suit of clothes I ever had on in my life. I had on a pair of socks that had
more different colors in 'em than in Joseph's coat. I looked like a cross
atween a monkey and a cirkus rider, and a-goin' across the medder our turkey
gobbler took after me and I had an awful time with that fool bird. I calculate
as how I'll git even with him 'bout Thanksgiving time.
Wall, the boys took me into the paster, and they had it all dug up
into what they called a "T," and they had a wheelbarrer full of
little Injun war clubs. They called one a nibbler, and another a brassie, and a
lot of other fool names I never heerd afore, and can't remember now. Then they
brought out a little wooden ball 'bout as big as a hen's egg, and they stuck it
up on a little hunk of mud. Then they told me to take one of them thar war
clubs and stand alongside of the ball and hit it. Wall, I jist peeled off my
coat and got a good holt on that war club and I jist whaled away at that durned
little ball, and by gum I missed it, and the boys all commenced to holler
"foozle."
Wall, I got a little bit riled and I whaled away at it again, and
I hit it right whar I missed it the fust time, and I whirled round and sot down
so durned hard I sot four back teeth to akin, and I pawed round in the air and
knocked a lot of it out of place. I hit myself on the shin and on the pet corn
at the same time, and them durned boys wuz jist a-rollin' round on the ground
and a-hollerin' like Injuns. Wall, I begun to git madder 'n a wet hen, and I
'lowed I'd knock that durned little ball way over into the next county. So I
rolled up my sleeves and spit on my hands and got a good holt on that war club
and I whaled away at that little ball agin, and by chowder I hit it. I knocked
it clar over into Deacon Witherspoon's paster, and hit his old muley cow, and
she got skeered and run away, jumped the fence and went down the road, and the
durned fool never stopped a-runnin' 'til she went slap dab into Ezra Hoskins'
grocery store, upsot four gallons of apple butter into a keg of soft soap, and
sot one foot into a tub of mackral, and t'other foot into a box of winder
glass, and knocked over Jim Lawson who wuz sottin' on a cracker barrel, and
broke his durned old wooden leg, and then she went right out through the winder
and skeered Si Pettingill's hosses that wuz a standin' thar, and they run away
and smashed his wagon into kindlin' wood' and Silas has sued me fer damages,
and mother won't speak to me, and Jim he wants me to buy him a new wooden leg,
and the neighbors all say as how I ought to be put away some place fer safe
keepin', and Aunt Nancy Smith got so excited she lost her glass eye and didn't
find it for three or four days, and when she did git it the boys wuz a-playin'
marbles with it and it wuz all full of gaps, and Jim Lawson he trimmed it up on
the grindstane and it don't fit Nancy any more, and she has to sort of put it
in with cotton round it to bold it, and the cotton works out at the corners and
skeers the children and every time I see Nancy that durned eye seems to look at
me sort of reproachful like, and all I know about playin' golf is, the feller
what knocks the ball so durned far you can't find it or whar it does the most
damage, wins the game.
WHEN
it cum to raisin' hogs, I don't s'pose thar wuz ever enybody in Punkin Centre
that had quite so much trouble as Jim Lawson. One fall Jim had a right likely
bunch of shoats, but somehow or other he couldn't git 'em fat, it jist seemed
like the more he fed 'em the poorer they got, and Jim he wuz jist about worried
clar down to a shadder. He kept givin' them hogs medecin' and feedin' of 'em
everything he could think on, but it wan't no use; every day or so one of 'em
would lay down and die. All the neighbors would cum and lean over the fence,
and talk to Jim, and give him advice, but somehow them hogs jist kept on
a-dyin', and nobody could see what wuz alin' of 'em, 'til one day Jim cum over
to Ezra Hoskins's store, and he looked as tickled as though he'd found a
dollar, and he sed: "I want you all to cum over to my place; I've found
out what's alin' them hogs." Deacon Witherspoon sed: "Wall, what is
it, Jim?" and Jim sed: "Wall, you see the ground over in my hog lot
is purty soft, and when it rains it gits right smart muddy, and the mud gits on
them hogs' tails, and that mud it gits more mud, and finally they git so much
mud on their tails that it draws their skin so tight that they can't shet their
eyes, and them hogs air jist a-dyin' fer the want of sleep."
Wall, the followin' winter Jim had his hogs all fat and ready fer
markit, and he jist conclooded he'd drive 'em to Concord. Wall, he started out,
and when he'd drov 'em two whole days he met old Jabez Whitaker. Jabe sed:
"Whar you goin' with your hogs, Jim?" Jim sed: "Goin' to
Concord, Jabez." Jabez sed "Wall, now, I want to know. That's what
cums from not readin' the papers. Why, Jim, they've got more hogs up Concord
way than they know what to do with. Lige Willit took his hogs up thar, and Eben
Sprosby took his'n, and Concord's jist chuck full of hogs, and so consequintly
the markit's away down in Concord. But the paper sez it's good in Manchester,
and you'd make money, Jim, by goin' thar." So Jim shifted his chew of
terbacker over to the northeast, and sed: "Wall, boys, I calculate we'll
hav to go to Manchester, so jist head the hogs off and turn them round."
Wall, they druv them hogs 'bout three days towards Manchester, and jist 'bout
when they wuz gittin' thar, along cum Caleb Skinner, and he sed: "Wall,
thunder and fish-hooks, whar be you a-goin', Jim." And Jim sed: "As
near as he could figure it out from his present bearin's, he wuz most likely
goin' to Manchester." And Caleb sed: "What fer?" Jim sed:
"Didn't know exactly what all he wuz goin' fer, but if he ever got thar,
he'd most likely sell his hogs." And Caleb sed: "Wall, your goin' to
the wrong town. Manchester has got a quarantine agin' any more hogs comin' in,
'cos what hogs they is thar has all got colery, and you'd better go to Concord.
Besides the paper says markit is purty well up in Concord." Wall, Jim sed
a good many things that wouldn't sound good at a prayer meetin', and then he
sed: "Wall, boys, gess we'll start back fer Concord, so turn round."
Wall, they went along 'bout two days, and them poor hogs couldn't stand it no
longer 'cos they wuz jist clean tuckered out, so Jim had to sell 'em to Josiah
Martin fer what he could git, 'cos it wuz jist right at Josiah's place whar the
hogs gin out, and thar wan't no way of moovin' them from thar fer some time to
cum.
Wall, along 'bout two weeks after that we wuz all over to Ezra
Hoskins's store, and some one sed: "Jim, you didn't do very well with your
hogs this year, did you?" And Jim sed: "Oh, I don't know; that's jist
owin' to how you look at it. I never caught up to that blamed markit, but I had
the society of the hogs fer two weeks."
Uncle Josh and the Lightning Rod Agent
WALL
I s'pose I git buncode offener than any feller what ever lived in Punkin
Centre. A short time ago we wanted to build a new town hall, and calculated
we'd have a brick building; and some one sed, "Wall now, if you'll jist
wait 'til Josh Weathersby makes another trip or two down to New York thar'll be
gold bricks enuff a-layin' 'round Punkin Centre to build a new town hall."
Wall, one day last summer I wuz a sottin' out on my back porch,
when along cum one of them thar lightning rod agents. Wall, he jist cum right
up and commenced a-talkin' at me jist as if he'd bin the town marshal or a tax
assessor, or like he'd known me all his life. He sed, "My dear sir, I am
astonished at you. I've looked over your entire premises and I find you haven't
got a lightning rod on any buildin' that you possess. Why, my dear sir, don't
you know you are flyin' right in the face of Providence? Don't you know that
lightning may strike at any time and demolish everything within the sound of my
voice? Don't you know you are criminally negligent? Why, my dear sir, I am
astonished to think that a man of your jedgment and good common sense should
allow yourself to——" Wall, about that time I'd got my breath and wits at
the same time, and I sed, "Now hold on, gosh durn ye, what hav ye got to
sell anyhow?" Wall, he told me he had some lightnin' rods, and he brought
out a little masheen and told me to take hold of the handles and he'd show me
what a powerful thing 'lectricity wuz. Wall, I took hold of them handles and he
turned on a crank, and that durned masheen jist made me dance all over the
porch, and it wouldn't let go. Gee whiz, I felt as though I'd fell in a yeller
jacket's nest, and about four thousand of 'em wuz a stingin' me all to onct.
Wall, I told him I guessed he could put up a lightning rod or two, seein' as
how I didn't hav any. Wall, he went to work and I went over to Ezra Hoskins',
and when I got back home my place wuz a sight to behold; it looked like a
harrer turned upside down. Thar wuz seven lightning rods on the barn, one on
the hen house, one on the corn crib, one on the smoke house, two on the
granery, three on the kitchen, six on my house, and one on the crab apple tree,
and when I got thar that durned fool had the old muley cow cornered up a-tryin'
to put a lightnin' rod on her. Wall, I paid him fer what he had done, and
thanked the Lord he hadn't done any more. Wall, he got me to sine a paper what
sed he had done a good job, and he sed he had to show that to the company.
Wall, about a week after that we had a thunder storm, and I think
the lightnin' struck everything on the place except the spring wagon and old
muley cow, and they didn't have any lightnin' rod on 'em. Wall I thought I wuz
a-gittin' off mighty lucky til next day, when along cum a feller with that
paper what I had sined, and durned if it wan't a note fer six hundred dollars,
and by gosh if I didn't hav to pay it!
Buncode agin, by chowder!
Energy—There is a lot of energy in this life that wasted. I notis that the man who has a good strong pipe most usually rides in front.—Punkin Centre Philosophy.
A Meeting of the Annanias Club
WALL,
sometimes a lot of us old codgers used to git down to Ezra Hoskins' grossery
store and we'd sot 'round and chaw terbacker and whittle sticks and eat
crackers and cheese and proons and anything Ezra happened to have layin' 'round
loos, and then we'd git to spinnin' yarns that would jist about put Annanias
and Safiry right out of business if they wuz here now. Wall, one afternoon we
wuz all settin' 'round spinnin' yarns when Deacon Witherspoon sed that eckos
wuz mighty peculiar things, cos down whar he wuz born and raised thar wuz a
passell of hills cum together and you couldn't git out thar and talk louder 'n
a whisper on account of the ecko. But one day a summer boarder what wuz thar
remarked as how he wasn't afraid to talk right out in meetin' in front of any
old lot of hills what wuz ever created; so he went out and hollered jist as
loud as he could holler, and he started a ecko a-goin' and it flew up agin one
hill and bounced off onto another one and gittin' bigger and louder all the
time 'til it got back whar it started from and hit a stone quarry and knocked
off a piece of stone and hit that feller in the head, and he didn't cum too fer
over three hours. Wall, we thought that wuz purty good fer a Deacon. Wall, none
of us sed anything fer a right smart spell and then Si Pettingill remarked
"he didn't know anything about eckos, but he calculated he'd seen some
mighty peculiar things; sed he guessed he'd seen it rain 'bout as hard as
anybody ever seen it rain." Someone sed, "Wall, Si, how hard did you
ever see it rain?" and he sed, "Wall one day last summer down our way
it got to rainin' and it rained so hard that the drops jist rubbed together
comin' down, which made them so allfired hot that they turned into steam; why,
it rained so gosh dinged hard, thar wuz a cider bar'l layin' out in the yard
that had both heads out'n it and the bung hole up; wall, it rained so hard into
that bung hole that the water couldn't run out of both ends of the bar'l fast
enough, and it swelled up and busted." Wall, we all took a fresh chew of
terbacker and nudged each other; and Ezra Hoskins sed he didn't remember as how
he'd ever seen it rain quite so hard as that, but he'd seen some mighty dry weather;
he sed one time when he wuz out in Kansas it got so tarnation dry that fish
a-swimmin' up the river left a cloud of dust behind them. And hot, too; why, it
got so allfired hot that one day he tied his mule to a pen of popcorn out
behind the barn, and it got so hot that the corn got to poppin' and flyin'
'round that old mule's ears and he thought it wuz snow and laid down and froze
to death. Wall, about that time old Jim Lawson commenced to show signs of
uneasiness, and someone sed, "What is it, Jim?" and Jim remarked, as
he shifted his terbacker and cut a sliver off from his wooden leg, "I wuz
a-thinkin' about a cold spell we had one winter when we wuz a-livin' down
Nantucket way. It wuz hog killin' time, if I remember right; anyhow, we had a
kittle of bilin' water sottin' on the fire, and we sot it out doors to cool off
a little, and that water froze so durned quick that the ice wuz hot."
Ezra sed, "Guess its 'bout shettin' up time."
SPEAKIN'
of hoss tradin', now Jim Lawson was calculated to be about the best hoss trader
in Punkin Centre. Yes, Jim he could sot up on a fence, chew terbacker, whittle
a stick, and jist about swap ye outen your eye-teeth, if you'd listen to him.
Yas, Jim wuz some punkins on a swap; Jim 'd swap anything he had
fer anything he didn't want, jist to be swappin'.
Wall, a gypsy cum along one day and tackled Jim fer a swap; and
about that time Jim he'd got hold of a critter that had more cussedness in him
to the squar inch than any critter we'd ever sot eyes on, 'cept a cirkus mule
that Ezra Hoskins owned.
Wall, the gypsy traded Jim a mighty fine lookin' critter, and we
all calculated that Jim had right smart of a bargain, 'til one day Jim went to
ride him, 'n he found out if he fetched the peskey critter on the sides he'd
squat right down. Wall, Jim knowed if he didn't git rid of that hoss, his
reputation as a hoss trader wuz forever gone; so he went over in t'other
township to see old Deacon Witherspoon. You see the Deacon he wuz mighty fond
of goin' a-huntin', and as he had rheumatiz purty bad it wuz sort of hard fer
him to git 'round, so he had to do his huntin' on hoss back. Wall, Jim didn't
say much to fuss, just kinder hinted around that huntin' was a-goin' to be
mighty good this fall, cos he'd seen one or two flocks of partridges over back
of Sprosby's medder, and some right smart of quail over by Buttermilk ford, and
finally he sed: "Deacon, I've got a hoss you ought to hev; he's a
setter." Wall, you could hav knocked the Deacon's eyes off with a club,
they stuck out like bumps on a log, and he sed, "Why, Jim, I never heered
tell of sech a thing in all my life; the idea of a horse being a setter!"
Jim sed, "Yes, Deacon, he's bin trained to set for all kinds of game. I
calculated as how I'd git a shotgun this fall and do right smart of
hunting." So the Deacon sed, "Wall, now, I want to know; bring him
over, Jim, I'd like to see him."
Wall, Jim took the hoss over, and all Punkin Centre jest sort of
held its breath to see how it would cum out.
Jim and the Deacon went a-hunting, and as they wuz a-ridin' along
through the timber down by Ruben Hendrick's paster, Jim keepin' his eyes peeled
and not sayin' much, when all to onct he seen a rabbit settin' in a brush heap,
and he jist tetched the old hoss on the sides and he squatted right down. The
Deacon sed, "Why, what's the matter of your hoss, Jim, look what he be a
doin'." Jim sed, "'Sh, Deacon, don't you see that rabbit over thar in
the brush heap? the old hoss is a-settin' of him." Deacon sed, "Wall,
now that's the most remarkable thing I ever seen in my life; how'd you like to
trade, Jim?" Jim sed, "Wall, Deacon, I hadn't calculated on disposin'
of the hoss, but I ain't much of a hand at huntin', and seein' as how it's you,
if you want him I'll trade you, Deacon, fifty dollars to boot."
Wall, the Deacon had a mighty fine animal, but he sed, "I'll
trade you, Jim." They traded hosses, and when they wuz a-comin' home they
had to ford the crick what runs back of Punkin Centre, and when the old hoss
wuz a-wadin' through the water, Deacon went to pull his feet up to keep them
from gettin' wet, and he tetched the old boss on the sides and he squatted
right down in the crick. Deacon sed, "Now look a-here, Jim, what's the
matter with this ungodly brute, he ain't a-settin' now be he?" Jim sed,
"Yes he is, Deacon, he sees fish in the water; tell you he's trained to
set fer suckers same as fer rabbits, Deacon; oh, he's had a thorough
eddication."
Paradox—I can't exactly describe it, but it looks to me like a tramp who once told me how to be successful in life. —Punkin Centre Philosophy.
A Meeting of the School Directors
WE
had bin havin' a good deal of argufyin' about the school house. You see it had
got to be a sort of a tumble-down ram-shackle sort of an affair, and when it
wuz bad weather we couldn't have school in it, 'cause you might jist as well be
a sittin' under a siv when it rained as to be a settin' in that school house.
Wall, it wuz a-cummin' along the fall term, and we wanted our boys and girls to
git all the schoolin' an' eddication what they could; so we called a meetin' of
the school directors to devise ways and means of buildin' a new school-house
without stoppin' school. Wall, we all met down at the school-house; thar wuz
Deacon Witherspoon, Ezra Hoskins, Ruben Hendricks, Si Pettingill, old Jim Lawson
and me. Before we commenced debatin' and argufyin' on the matter, Si Pettingill
alowed he'd sing a song. Wall, he got up and sang the durndest old-fashioned
song I calculate I ever heered in my life; went somethin' like this:
Oh a frog went a courtin' and he did ride, oohoo—oohoo. Oh a frog went a courtin' and he did ride, With a sword and a pistol by his side, oohoo—oohoo. He rode till he came to the mouse's door, oohoo—oohoo, He rode till he came to the mouse's door, And there he knelt upon the floor, oohoo—oohoo. He took Miss Mousey on his knee, oohoo—oohoo. He took Miss Mousey on his knee, Said he, Missy Mouse will you marry me? oohoo—oohoo.
Wall, we headed Si off right thar; I guess if we hadn't he'd bin
singin' about that frog and the mouse yet. Wall, jist then old Jim Lawson he
sed, "I make a moshen;" and Deacon Witherspoon, he wuz chairman, and
he sed, "Now look here, young feller, don't you make any moshens at me or
durned if I don't git down thar and flop you in about a minnit. You take your
feet off'n that desk and that corncob pipe out'n your mouth, and conduct
yourself with dignity and decorum, and address the chairman of this yere meetin'
in a manner benttin' to his station." Wall, Jim he got right smart riled
over the matter, and he sed, "Wall, you gosh durned old gospel pirate, I
want you to understand that I'm a member of this body, a citizen, a taxpayer
and a honorably discharged servant of the government, and I make a moshen that
we build a new school-house out of the bricks of the old school-house, and I do
further offer an amendment to the original moshen, that we don't tear down the
old schoolhouse until the new one is built."
Wall, Deacon Witherspoon sed, "The gentleman is out of
order;" and Jim sed, "I ain't so durned much out of order but that I
kin trim you in about two shakes of a dead sheep's tail." Wall, before we
knowed it, them two old cusses wuz at it. The Deacon he grabbed Jim and Jim he
grabbed the Deacon, and when we got 'em separated the Deacon he wuz stuck fast
'tween a desk and the woodbox, and Jim had his wooden leg through a knot hole
in the floor and couldn't get it out, and they've both gone to law about it. Jim
says he's goin' to git out a writ of corpus cristy fer the Deacon, and the
Deacon says he's goin' to prosecute Jim for bigamy and arson and have him read
out of the church.
Wall, we've got the same old schoolhouse.
Justice—Those who hanker fer it would be generally better off if they didn't git it.—Punkin Centre Philosophy.
The Weekly Paper at Punkin Centre
WALL,
t'other day, down in New York, I wuz a-walkin' along on that street what they
call the broad way, when I cum to the Herald squar noospaper buildin', and it
wuz all winders and masheenery. Wall, I wuz jist flobgasted; I jist stood thar
lookin' at it. On the front thar wuz a bell and a couple of fellers standin'
along side of it with slege hammers in their hands, and every onct in a while
they would go to poundin' on that bell, and folks 'd stand 'round and watch 'em
do it; they reminded me of a couple of fellers splittin' rales. And all 'round
the edge of the buildin' they had hoot owls sottin', with electric lites in
their ize, and thar wuz no end to the masheenery in that buildin'. If anyone
hed ever told me thar wuz that much masheenery in the whole world durned if I'd
a-beleeved them; biggest masheen I'd ever seen before wuz Si Pettingill's new
thrashin' masheen. Wall, I jist stood thar a-watchin' them printin' presses
a-runnin'; paper goin' in to one end and cumin' out at t'other all printed and
full of picters and folded up ready to sell; it jist beat all the way they done
it. Wall, we never had but one paper down home at Punkin Centre; we called it
"The Punkin Centre Weakly Bugle;" old Jim Lawson he wuz editor of it.
You see Jim he wuz sort of a triflin' no 'count old cuss, so to keep him out of
mischief we made him editor. Wall, Jim he had his place up over Ezra Hoskins'
grossery store. He never got any money for the noospaper—always got paid in
produce, and Ezra's store wuz a mighty good place fer him to take in his
subskriptions. Wall, things went along pretty smooth fer quite a spell 'til one
day a feller he cum in and give Jim a keg of hard cider fer a year's
subskription to the noospaper, and we all calculated right then that somethin'
wuz a-goin' to happen; and sure enough it did. You see 'bout that time Jim had
got two advertisements; one wuz fer Ruben Jackson's resterant and the other wuz
the time table of the Punkin Centre and Paw Paw Valley Railroad. Wall, Jim he
got to drinkin' the hard cider and settin' type at the same time, and when the
paper cum out on Thursday it wuz wuth goin' miles to see. Neer as I kin
remember it sed that: "Ruben Jackson's resterant would leave the depo
every mornin' at eight o'clock fer beefstake and mutton stews, and would change
cars at White River Junkshen for mins and punkin pise, and cottage puddin'
would be a flag stashen fer coffy and do nuts like mother used to make, and the
train wouldn't run on Sundays cos the stashun agint what done the cookin' would
have to run en extra on that day over the chicken and ham sandwitch
divishion."
I believe that wuz the last issu of the Punkin Centre Weakly
Bugle.
Enthusiasm—Sometimes inspired, sometimes acquired, sometimes the result of immediate surroundings, and sometimes the result of hard cider.—Punkin Centre Philosophy.
WALL,
we've jist bin havin' a camp meeting at Punkin Centre. Yes, fer several days we
wuz purty busy bakin' and cookin and makin' preparations fer the camp meetin',
and some of the committee alowed we ought to have lemonade fer the Sunday
school children. Wall, as we wanted to git it jist as cheap as possible, we
damed up the crick what runs back of the camp meeting grounds, and put in ten
pounds of brown sugar and half a dozen lemons, and let the Sunday school
children drink right out of the crick, free of charge. Wall, we had right smart
difficulty in gittin' a pulpit fixed up fer the ministers, but finally we sawed
down a hemlock tree and used the stump fer a pulpit. Wall, some of the sarmons
preached at that camp meetin' beat anything I ever heered in my life afore. You
see we'd bin havin' a good many argyments 'bout corporations, monopolies and
trusts, and one minister got up and sed, "Ah, my dear beloved brethren and
sisters, we should not be too severe on the monopolists. If we read the
scripters closely we observe our forefathers wuz all monopolists. Adam and Eve
had a monopoly upon the garden of Eden, and would have had it 'til this day, no
doubt, had not Mother Eve got squeezed in the apple market. Yea, verily, Lot's
wife had a corner on the salt market. And while Pharoe's daughter was not in
the milk business, yet we observe she took a great proffit out of the water;
yea, verrily." Most on us cum to the conclusion he wuz ridin' on a free
pass.
Samantha Hoskins concluded she would have to sing her favorit
hymn; it went something like this:
"Oh you need not cum in the mornin', And neither in the heat of the day; But cum along in the evenin', Lord, And wash my sins away. Chorus— Standin' on the walls of Zion, Lookin' at my ship cum a sailln' ov{er}; Standin' on the walls of Zion, To see my ship cum in."
Jist about that time Ruben Hendricks skeered a skunk out of a
holler log. Si Pettingill stirred up a hornet's nest, Deacon Witherspoon sot
down in a huckleberry pie and Aunt Nancy Smith got a spider on her, and she
started in to yellin' and jumpin' like she had a fit, and two dogs got to
fitin', and old Jim Lawson he tried to git 'em apart and he stumped 'round and
got his old wooden leg into a post hole and fell down, and the dogs got on top
of him, and you couldn't tell which wuz Jim nor which wuz dog; and durned if it
didn't bust up the camp meetin'.
The
Unveiling of the Organ
IT wuz down in Punkin Centre, I believe in eighty-nine, We had some doin's at the meetin' house, That we thought wuz purty fine; It wuz a great occasion, The choir, led by Sister Morgan, Had called us thar to witness The unveilin' of the organ. In order fer to git it We'd bin savin' here and there, Lookin' forward to the time When we'd have music fer to spare, And as the time it had arrived, And the organ had cum, too, We had all of us assembled thar To hear what the thing could do. Wall, it wuz a gorgeous instrument, In a handsome walnut case, And thar wuz expectation Pictured out on every face; Then when Deacon Witherspoon Had led us all in prayer, The congregation all stood up And Old Hundred rent the air. Jist then the doin's took a turn, Though I'm ashamed to say it, We found that old Jim Lawson Wuz the only one could play it; But Jim, the poor old feller, Had one besettin' sin, A fondness fer hard cider Which he'd bin indulgin' in. But he sot down at that organ, Planked his feet upon the pedals, And he showed us he could play it Though he hadn't any medals; He dwelt upon the treble And he flirted with the base, He almost made that organ Jump right out of its case. Wall, the cider got in old Jim's head And in his fingers, too, So he played some dancin' music And old Yankee Doodle Doo; He shocked old Deacon Witherspoon And scared poor Sister Morgan, And jist busted up the meetin' At the unveilin' of the organ.
Uncle Josh Plays a Game of Base Ball
I
HAD heered a whole lot 'bout them games of foot ball they have in New York, so
while I was thar I jist cum to the conclusion I'd see a game of it, so went out
to one of their city pasters to see a game of foot ball. Wall now I must say I
didn't see much ball playin' of any kind. All I got to see wuz about fifty or
sixty ambulances, and I think about that many surgons and phisicians. Wall,
from what I could see of the game I calculate they needed all of them. I saw
one feller and 'bout fifty others had him down, and it jist looked as though
they wuz all trying to get a kick at him. They had a half back and a quarter
back; I suppose when they got through with that feller he wuz a hump back.
Anyhow, if that's what they call foot ball playin', your Uncle Josh don't want
any foot ball in his'n.
I never played but one game of ball in my life that I kin remember
on, and don't believe that I ever will forgit that. You see it wuz along in the
spring time of the yeer, and the weather wuz purty warm and sunshiny, and the
boys sed to me, "Uncle, we'd like to have you help us play a game of base
ball." I sed, "Boys, I'm gittin' a little too old fer those kinds of
passtimes, but I'll help you play one game, I'll be durned if I don't." Wall,
we got out in the paster and wuz gittin' ready to play; we got the bases and
bats put around in thar places, and a buckit of drinkin' water up in the fence
corner, whar we could get a drink when we wanted it. We didn't have any
bleachers, but we had thirty or forty hogs, and they wuz the best rooters you
ever seen; jist then I happened to look around and thar wuz the biggest billy
goat I ever saw in all my life. You ought to seen the boys a-gittin' out of the
paster; I would hav got out too, but I got stuck in the fence. Wall, you ought
to hav seen that billy goat a-gittin' me through the fence. He didn't git me
all the way through, cos I wuz half way through when he got thar; but he got
the last half through. I didn't make any home run, but I wuz the only feller
what had a score of the game; I couldn't see the score, but I had it. Every
time I'd go to sot down I knowed jist exactly how the game stood.
They hav a good many new fangled games now, but when they git
anything that can beet a game of base ball with a billy goat fer a battery,
durned if I don't want to see it.
The Punkin Centre and Paw Paw Valley
Railroad
WONDERS
will never cease—we've got a railroad in Punkin Centre now; oh, we're gittin'
to be right smart cityfied. I guess that's about the crookedest railroad that
ever wuz bilt. I think that railroad runs across itself in one or two places;
it runs past one station three times. It's so durned crooked they hav to burn
crooked wood in the ingine. Wall, the fust ingine they had on the Punkin Centre
wuz a wonderful piece of masheenery. It had a five-foot boiler and a seven-foot
whissel, and every time they blowed the whissel the durned old ingine would
stop.
Wall, we've got the railroad, and we're mighty proud of it; but we
had an awful time a-gittin' it through. You see, most everybody give the right
of way 'cept Ezra Hoskins, and he didn't like to see it go through his medder
field, and it seemed as though they'd hav to go 'round fer quite a ways, and
maybe they wouldn't cum to Punkin Centre at all. Wall, one mornin' Ezra saw a
lot of fellers down in the medder most uncommonly busy like; so he went down to
them and he sed, "Wat be you a-doin' down here?" And they sed,
"Wall, Mr. Hoskins, we're surveyin' fer the railroad." And Ezra sed,
"So we're goin' to hav a railroad, be we? Is it goin' right through
here?" And they sed, "Yes, Mr. Hoskins, that's whar it's a-goin',
right through here." Ezra sed, "Wall, I s'pose you'll have a right
smart of ploughin' and diggin', and you'll jist about plow up my medder field,
won't ye?" They sed, "Yes, Mr. Hoskins, we'll hav to do some
gradin'." Ezra sed, "Wall, now, let me see, is it a-goin' jist the
way you've got that instrument p'inted?" They sed, "Yes, sir, jist
thar." And Ezra sed, "Wall, near as I kin calculate from that, I should
jedge it wuz a-goin' right through my barn." They sed, "Yes, Mr.
Hoskins, we're sorry, but the railroad is a-goin' right through your
barn."
Wall, Ezra didn't say much fer quite a spell, and we all expected
thar would be trouble; but finally he sed, "Wall, I s'pose the community
of Punkin Centre needs a railroad and I hadn't oughter offer any objections to
its goin' through, but I'm goin' to tell ye one thing right now, afore you go
any further. When you git it bilt and a-runnin', you've got to git a man to cum
down here and take keer on it, cos it's a-cumin' along hayin' and harvestin'
time, and I'll be too durned busy to run down here and open and shet them barn
doors every time one of your pesky old trains wants to go through."
Love—An indescribable longing, something that existed since Mother Eve was in the apple trust, and will exist until the end of time. Somethin' that no man has ever yet defined or ever will define. A somethin' that is past all description. Which will make a hired man fergit to do the chores, and will make an old man act boyish, and will make a woman show herself to be stronger than the strongest man. Gosh durn it, an indescribable somethin' that has never yet bin described. —Punkin Centre Philosophy.
A
LONG last summer Ruben Hoskins, that is Ezra Hoskins' boy, he cum home from
college and bro't one of them new fangled bisickle masheens hum with him, and I
think ever since that time the whole town of Punkin Centre has got the bisickle
fever. Old Deacon Witherspoon he's bin a-ridin' a bisickle to Sunday school,
and Jim Lawson he couldn't ride one of them 'cause he's got a wooden leg; but
he jist calculated if he could git it hitched up to the mowin' masheen, he
could cut more hay with it than any man in Punkin Centre. Somebody sed Si
Pettingill wuz tryin' to pick apples with a bisickle.
Wall, all our boys and girls are ridin' bisickles now, and nothin'
would do but I must learn how to ride one of them. Wall, I didn't think very
favorably on it, but in order to keep peace in the family I told them I would
learn. Wall, gee whilikee, by gum. I wish you had bin thar when I commenced. I
took that masheen by the horns and I led it out into the middle of the road,
and I got on it sort of unconcerned like, and then I got off sort of
unconcerned like. Wall, I sot down a minnit to think it over, and then the
trouble commenced. I got on that durned masheen and it jumped up in the front
and kicked up behind, and bucked up in the middle, and shied and balked and
jumped sideways, and carried on worse 'n a couple of steers the fust time
they're yoked. Wall, I managed to hang on fer a spell, and then I went up in
the air and cum down all over that bisickle. I fell on top of it and under it
and on both sides of it; I fell in front of the front wheel and behind the hind
wheel at the same time. Durned if I know how I done it but I did. I run my foot
through the spokes, and put about a hundred and fifty punctures in a hedge
fence, and skeered a hoss and buggy clar off the highway. I done more different
kinds of tumblin' than any cirkus performer I ever seen in my life, and I made
more revolutions in a fifteen-foot circle than any buzz-saw that ever wuz
invented. Wall, I lost the lamp, I lost the clamp, I lost my patience, I lost
my temper, I lost my self-respect, my last suspender button and my standin' in
the community. I broke the handle bars, I broke the sprockets, I broke the ten
commandments, I broke my New Year's pledge and the law agin loud and abusive
language, and Jim Lawson got so excited he run his wooden leg through a
knot-hole in the porch and couldn't git it out agin. Wall, I'm through with it;
once is enough fer me. You kin all ride your durned old bisickles that want to,
but fer my part I'd jist as soon stand up and walk as to sit down and walk. No
more bisickles fer your Uncle Josh, not if he knows it, and your Uncle Josh
sort of calculates as how he do.
Notoriety—A next door neighbor to glory, but another way of gittin' it.—Punkin Centre Philosophy.
A Baptizin' at the Hickory Corners
Church
A
LONG about two summers ago we had a baptizin' at the Hickory Corners Church,
and before the baptizin' we had preachin', and before the preachin' we had Sunday
school. Wall now, some of them questions and answers in that Sunday school jist
made me snicker right out loud. You see, old Deacon Witherspoon wuz a-teachin'
the Sunday school class, and he sed, "Now let me see what little boy can
tell me who slew the Philistines and whar at?" Wall, no one sed anything
fer about a minnit, then a little red-headed feller down at the foot of the
class sed, "Commodore Dewey, at Manila." The Deacon sed, "No,
Henry, it wasn't Commodore Dewey what slew the Philistines, it wuz
Sampson." Another little feller sed, "No, Deacon, I think you've sort
of got it mixed up; he wasn't there; Schley is the feller what done the job, at
Santiague." The Deacon sed, "Now, boys, you've bin readin' too much
about them war doin's in the papers. Now what little boy can tell me what is
the first commandment?" And Ezra Hoskins' boy sed, "Remember the
main." Gosh, I had to go right out of the meetin' house, whar I could have
a good laugh. Wall, I wouldn't have bin down thar in the fust place, or the
second place, fer that matter, if it hadn't bin fer old Jim Lawson. You see,
Jim he's a peculiar old critter. He's got one eye out; lost it lookin' fer a
pension, I believe. Wall, Jim he cum over to my house and he sed, "Josh,
let's you and me go down to the baptizin'." I sed, "What do you want
to go down thar fer, Jim; you can't git any pension thar, kin ye?" Jim
sed, "Wall, you see, Josh, thar wuz a pedler left some hymn books at my
house, and I want to go down thar and see if I can't sell 'em." Wall, we
hadn't bin thar more 'n a minnit when Jim he told the minister he had the hymn
books to sell, and the minister sed he'd tell the congregation all about it.
Then Jim he sot right down in the meetin' house and went to sleep; and then he
went to snorin'; you could hear him clar across a forty acre lot. I wouldn't
a-keered a gosh durn, but he woke me up Wall, about the time the minister wuz
a-gittin' through with his sermon, he sed, "Now all members of the
congregation having babies here to-day and wantin' of them baptized after the
sermon is over, bring them up to the pulpit and I will baptize them."
Wall, Jim he woke up about that time, and he thought the minister wuz a-talkin'
about his hymn books; so he stood up and sed, "Now all you folks what
ain't got any I'll let ye have 'em, twenty-five cents apiece."
Religion—Any one man's opinion, but consists mainly of doing right.—Punkin Centre Philosophy.
Reminiscence of My Railroad Days
Dedicated to Engineer John Hoolihan, Pittsburg and Lake Erie Railroad,
Pittsburg, Pa.
WALL, John, I read your poetry, And laughed till I nearly cried, Seein' how you became an engineer, And got on the right hand side. It made me think of the days gone by, When I wuz one of you fellers, too, What used to run an old machine, And go tootin' the country through. But the engine that I had then, John, Wuz far from a "Nancy Hanks;" She wuz old and worn and loggy, And jist chuck full of pranks; And she wuz wonderfully got up, John, Full of bolts and valves and knobs, And the boiler wouldn't hold water; Gosh, it wouldn't hold cobs. But I wuz younger then, John, And I didn't care a cuss; So I'd pull the throttle open And jist let her wheeze and fuss. The road that I wuz a-runnin' on Wuz out in the woolly west; Two streaks of rust and the right of way Wuz puttin' it at its best. So we sort of plugged along, John. And didn't put on any frills, Never thought of doin' anything But doublin' all the hills. I tell you those were rocky times, And we hadn't no air brake; And fifteen miles an hour, John, Wuz durn good time to make. And thar wuz as good a lot of boys As you could meet with anywhere; Rough and ready open up, And always on the square. And I'd like to see them all again, And grasp each honest hand; But some of them, like me, have quit, Some have gone to another land. I have changed somewhat since then, John, Jist a little more steady grown; But I often think of my railroad days As the happiest ones I've known. And, John, I often watch the train. As they go whizzing by; As I think of Bill, or Jim, or Jack, Thar's a tear comes in my eye. Perhaps you'd like to know, John, Just why I quit the rail, And as some feller one time sed, "Thereby hangs a tale." I wuz goin' along one night, John, At a purty lively rate, The old machine a-doin' her best, And me forty minutes late, When all at once there came a crash, I felt the old track yield, And fireman, machine and I Went into a farmer's field. There's little more to say, John, They laid me up for repairs, But my fireman, poor fellow, Hadn't time to say his prayers. So now you have my story, John; Still, you don't know how it feels To know you've got to plug around On a couple of flat wheels. But it doesn't bother me, John, Gosh, not fer a minnit; I'm as happy as the day is long, And feel jist strictly in it. But sometimes I like to meet the boys, And talk them days all over, And I feel as gay and chipper As a calf in a field of clover But the happiest days I've known, John, The ones that to me see best, Wuz when I run an old machine Way out in the woolly west. Glory—Gittin' killed and not gittin' paid fer it. —Punkin Centre Philosophy.
WALL,
'long last year, 'bout harvest time, thar wuz a cirkus cum to Punkin Centre,
and I think the whole population turned out to see it. They cum paradin' into
town, the bands a-playin' and banners flying, and animals pokin' their heads
out of the cages, and all sorts of jim cracks. Deacon Witherspoon sed they wuz
a sinful lot of men and wimmin, and no one aughter go and see them, but seein'
as how they wuz thar, he alowed he'd take the children and let them see the
lions and tigers and things. Si Pettingill remarked, "Guess the Deacon
won't put blinders on himself when he gits thar." We noticed afterwards
that the Deacon had a front seat whar he could see and hear purty well.
Wall, I sed to Ezra Hoskins, "Let's you and me go down to the
cirkus," and Ezra sed, "All right, Joshua." So we got on our
store clothes, our new boots, and put some money in our pockits, and went down
to the cirkus. Wall, I never seen any one in my life cut up more fool capers
than Ezra did. We got in whar the animals wuz, and Ezra he walked around the
elefant three or four times, and then he sed, "By gum, Josh, that's a
durned handy critter—he's got two tails, and he's eatin' with one and keepin'
the flies off with t'other." Durned old fool! Wall, we went on a little
ways further, and all to onct Ezra he sed, "Geewhiz, Josh, thar's Steve
Jenkins over thar in one of them cages." I sed, "Cum along you silly
fool, that ain't Steve Jenkins." Ezra sed, "Wall, now, guess I'd
oughter know Steve Jenkins when I see him; I jist about purty near raised
Steve." Wall, we went over to the cage, and it wan't no man at all,
nuthin' only a durned old baboon; and Ezra wanted to shake hands with him jist
'cause he looked like Steve. Ezra sed he'd bet a peck of pippins that baboon
belonged to Steve's family a long ways back.
Wall then we went into whar they wuz havin' the cirkus doin's, and
I guess us two old codgers jist about busted our buttins a-laffin at that silly
old clown. Wall, he cut up a lot of didos, then he went out and sot down right
alongside of Aunt Nancy Smith; and Nancy she'd like to had histeericks. She
sed, "You go 'way from me you painted critter," and that clown he
jist up and yelled to beat thunder—sed Nancy stuck a pin in him. Wall,
everybody laffed, and Nancy she jist sot and giggled right out. Wall, they
brought a trick mule into the ring, and the ring master sed he'd give any one
five dollars what could ride the mule; and Ruben Hoskins alowed he could ride
anything with four legs what had hair on. So he got into the ring, and that mule
he took after Ruben and chased him 'round that ring so fast Ruben could see
himself goin' 'round t'other side of the ring. He wuz mighty glad to git out of
thar. Then a gal cum out on hoss back and commenced ridin' around. Nancy Smith
sed she wuz a brazen critter to cum out thar without clothes enough on her to
dust a fiddle. But Deacon Witherspoon sed that wuz the art of 'questrinism; we
all alowed it, whatever he meant. And then that silly old clown he told the
ring master that his uncle committed sooiside different than any man what ever
committed sooiside; and the ring master sed, "Wall, sir, how did your
uncle commit sooiside?" and that silly old clown sed, "Why, he put
his nose in his ear and blowed his head off." Then he sang an
old-fashioned song I hadn't heered in a long time; went something like this:
From Widdletown to Waddletown is fifteen miles, From Waddletown to Widdletown is fifteen miles, From Widdletown to Waddletown, from Waddletown to Widdletown, Take it all together and its fifteen miles.
He wuz about the silliest cuss I ever seen. Wall, I noticed a
feller a rummagin' 'round among the benches as though he might a-lost
somethin'. So I sed to him, "Mister, did you lose anythin' 'round here any
place?" He sed, "Yes, sir, I lost a ten dollar bill; if you find it
I'll give you two dollars." Wall, I jist made up my mind he wuz one of
them cirkus sharpers, and when he wan't a-lookin' I pulled a ten dollar bill
out of my pockit and give it to him; and the durned fool didn't know but what
it wuz the same one that he lost. Gosh, I jist fooled him out of his two
dollars slicker 'n a whistle. I tell you cirkus day is a great time in Punkin
Centre.
Uncle Josh Invites the City Folks to
Visit Him
I
DIDN'T s'pose when I wuz gittin' ready to go home, that all you folks would be
down here to the depo' to see me off. Wall, now, that's purty good of ye, I'll
be durned it it ain't. Yes, I guess I'll have to be goin' home now; I've stayed
here this time 'bout as long as I kin afford to. I must say, some of you folks
have made it purty warm fer me since I've bin here in New York; but I guess
I've enjoyed it 'bout as much as you have.
I'd like to have you all cum down to Punkin Centre and see MEE
some time this summer, if you hadn't got nuthin' else to do. Lots of fun down
thar on that farm of mine, huntin', fishin', and shootin', and other things.
Wall, I never shot but one bird in my life, and that wuz a squirrel; yes, sir,
a flyin' squirrel.
I had a feller workin' fer me on the farm last summer, and he was
cross-eyed, and I sent him out in the paster to dig a well fer me, and what do
you s'pose? Wall he dug it so tarnal all-fired crooked that he fell out of it
and sprained his ankel. Then one day I sent him out in the garden to plant some
pertaters and some unyuns fer me, and it jist seemed like that feller didn't
have good hoss sense. He planted them unyuns and pertaters right alongside of
each other, and the unyuns got into the pertaters' eyes and they couldn't see
to grow. Oh, yes, lots of fun down home onct in a while. I calculate I've got
the funnyest lot of chickens you ever heerd tell on. I've got sixty old hens
and they lay an egg every day; but they don't lay any at nite, cos when nite
comes every one of them is roosters. I had one old hen, she went into the
woodshed and sot down on the ax and tried to hatch-it. I had another one
sottin' on a door knob, tryin' to hatch out a house and lot, but she didn't.
While she wuz a-sottin' there along cum a rooster, and he sed, "We're
having a little party down behind the barn; will you dance with me this
set?" and she sed, "No, sir, I'm engaged to his nobs for this
set." Gosh, I wuz afraid to go out in the barnyard one while, cos one day
when I wuz out thar I heerd a hen say to a rooster, "Thar's that old
gray-headed cuss we've bin a-layin' fer."
Guess that's my train; s'pose I'll have to be a-goin'; good-bye;
cum down and see me some time if you kin, ev'ry one of ye; cum down about
apple-butter time and jist butt in—good bye.
Yosemite Jim, or a Tale of the Great
White Death
YOSEMITE JIM wuz the name he had, And he came from no one knowed whar; Quiet, easy goin' sort of a cuss, And wuz reckoned on the squar'. Ridin' a route for the Wells Fargo folks May have made him stern and grim; But thar wasn't a man that crossed the divide But 'ud swar by Yosemite Jim. He wa'n't one of the regular sort What you'd meet thar any day, But as near as the camp could figure it out, In a show down he'd likely stay. A shambling, awkward figure, Rawboned, tall and slim, And his schaps and togs in general Jist looked like they'd fell on him. I wuz somewhat of a tenderfoot then, Hadn't jist got the lay of the land; Thar wuz a good many things in them thar parts As I couldn't quite understand. But I took a likin' to Yosemite Jim, Wuz with him on my very first trick; And from that time on I stuck to him Like a kitten to a good warm brick. Our headquarters then wuz the valley camp, It wuz down by the redwood way, With Chaparel across the spur, 'Bout fifty miles away. Wall, what I'm goin' to tell you, pard, Happened thar whar the trail runs into the sky; And if it hadn't a-bin fer Yosemite Jim, Wall, I'd be countin' my chips on high. The galoot that wuz punchin' the broncos fer me Wuz a greaser from down Monterey; And Jim used to say, "Keep your eye on him, pard, I don't think he's cum fer to stay; His eyes are too shifty and yeller, And his face is sullen and hard; And 'taint that so much as a feelin' I have; Anyhow, keep your eye on him, pard." One day when the mercury wuz way out of sight, And the frost it wuz on every nail, With jist the mail sack and specie box, The greaser and I hit the trail. We picked two passengers up at Big Pine, And while the broncos were changed that day I noticed them havin' a sneakin' chat With the greaser from down Monterey. Did you ever hear tell of the Great White Death, That creeps down the mountain side, Leavin' behind it a ghastly track Whar those who have met it died? Wall, pard, as true as I'm a-livin', No man wants to see it twice; White and grim as a funeral shroud, A mass of mist and ice. Wall, we hadn't got far from the Big Pine relay When my hair it commenced to rise, For I saw across by the Lone Bear spur A cloud of most monstrous size. And the greaser acted sort of peculiar, And the broncos commenced to neigh; Wall, some thoughts went through my mind jist then I won't forgit till my dyin' day. In less time than it takes to tell it, We were into the Great White Death, With its millions of frozen snowflakes A-takin' away our breath. And jist then somethin' happened, pard, The greaser from down Monterey Tried to sneak off with the specie box, Along with the passengers from Big Pine relay. All at once a figure on hossback Cum a-whoopin' it down the trail, And bullets from out of a Winchester Commenced to fly like hail. The greaser and them two passengers Cashed in their chips to him, Fer the feller what wuz doin' the shootin' Wuz my friend, Yosemite Jim. Wall, we planted them thar together, When the cloud had passed away; And all they've got fer a tombstone Is the mountains, dull and gray. So, pard, let's take one together, And I'll drink a toast to him, Fer though he wuz rough and ready, He'd a heart, YOSEMITE JIM.
The Great White Death, so named by the Indians, occurs in the
higher altitudes of the Rocky and Sierra Nevada Mountains. It is almost
indescribable. It might properly be termed a frozen fog. It has the effect of
bringing on acute congestion of the lungs, from which few rarely recover.
Viewed at a distance it is a magnificent sight, each and every particle of the
frozen moisture being a miniature prism, which reflects the sun's rays in a
manner once seen never to be forgotten.—By CAL. STEWART, formerly Overland
Messenger for the Wells-Fargo Express Company.
Uncle Josh Weathersby's Trip to Boston
FER
a long time I had my mind made up to go down to Boston, so a short time ago, as
I had all my crops and produce mostly sold, I alowed it would be a good time to
go down thar, and I sed to mother, "I'll start early in the mornin' and
take a load of produce with me, and that will sort of pay expenses of the
trip."
Wall, I got into Boston next mornin' bright and early, 'bout time
they had their breakfast, and I looked 'round fer a spell; then finally I
picked out a right likely lookin' store, and jist conclooded I'd sell my load
of produce thar. Wall, I went in and I met a feller 'nd I sed, "Good
mornin', be you the storekeeper?" And he sed, "No, sir, I'm only one
of the clerks." So I sed, "Wall, be the storekeeper to hum?" And
he sed, "Yes, sir, would you like to see him?" And I told him as how
I would, and he turned 'round and commenced to hollerin' "FRONT," and
a boy cum up what had more brass buttins on him than a whole regiment of
soljers. I thought that wuz a durned funny name fer a boy—front—and that clerk
feller he wuz about the most importent thing I'd seen in Boston so far, less
maybe it wuz the Bunker Hill monument that I druv past cummin' to town. He had
on a biled collar that sort of put me in mind of the whitewashed fence 'round
the fair grounds down hum. I'll bet if he'd ever sneeze it would cut his ears
off.
Wall, anyhow, he sed to that front boy, "Show the gentleman
to the proprietor's offis." Wall, I went along with that boy, and
presently we cum to a place in one corner of that store; it wuz made out of
iron and had bars in front of the winders, and looked like the county jale. The
front boy p'inted to a man and sed, "Go in," and I sed, "I
gessed I wouldn't go in thar, cos I hadn't done anything to be locked up
fer." And that front boy commenced to laffin' tho' durned if I could see
what he wuz a-laffin' about, and the storekeeper he opened the door and cum
out, and he sed, "Good mornin', what can I do fer you?" I sed,
"Be you the storekeeper?" and he sed he wuz. So I sed, "Do you
want to buy any pertaters?" And he sed, "No, sir, we don't buy
pertaters here; this a dry goods store." So I sed, "Wall, don't want
any cabbage, do ye?" And he sed, "No, sir, this is a dry goods
store." So I sed, "Wall, now, I want to know; do you need any
onions?" And by chowder, he got madder 'n a wet hen. He sed, "Now
look a-heer, I want you to understand onct fer all, this is a dry goods store,
and we don't buy anything but dry goods and don't sell anything but dry goods;
do you understand me now? DRY GOODS." And I sed, "Yes, gess I
understand you; you don't need to git so tarnaly riled about the matter; neer
as I can figure it out you jist buy dry goods and sell 'em." And he sed,
"Yes, sir, only dry goods." So I sed, "Do you want to buy some
mighty good dried apples?"
Wall, that front boy got to laffin, and a lot of wimmin clerks
giggled right out, and the storekeeper he commenced a-laffin', too, and fer
about a minnit I thought they'd all went crazy to onct. Wall, he told a feller
to show me whar I could sell my produce, and I disposed of it at a good
bargain.
I like them Boston folks, they try to make you feel to hum, and
enjoy yourself and be soshable, and I wuz chuck full of soshability, too; I wuz
goin' up one street and down t'other, jist a-gettin' soshability at ten cents a
soshable.
Wall, I gess I seen about everything wuth seein' in Boston, and I
wuz a-standin' along-side of one of their old churches, a-lookin' at the
semetry, and I gess thar wuz folks in thar burried nigh unto three hundred
years. And I wuz jist a-thinkin' what they'd say if they could wake up and see
Boston now, when I noticed a row of little toomstones, and one of them it sed,
"Hester Brown, beloved wife of James Brown," and on another it sed,
"Prudence Brown, beloved wife of James Brown," and on another it sed,
"Thankful Brown, beloved wife of James Brown." Wall, I couldn't jist
make out what she had to be thankful about, but I sed, "Jimmy, you had a
right lively time while you wuz in Boston, didn't you?" Then I seen
another toomstone and on it it sed, "Matilda Brown, beloved wife of James
Brown," and another one what sed,
"Sara Ann Brown, beloved wife of James Brown," and over
in a little corner, all to itself, I seen a toomstone, and on it it sed,
"James Brown, At Rest."
CAL STEWART, New
York, Memorial Day, 1903.
I'VE jist bin down at the corner, mother, To see the boys in line, Dressed up in their bran' new uniforms, I tell you they looked fine. And as they marched past whar I stood, To the rattle of the drum, It made me think of those other boys Who marched in sixty-one. The old flag wuz proudly wavin', mother, Jist as it did one day When you stood thar to say good-bye, And watch me march away. So I stood thar and watched them Till the parade wuz nearly done, But thar wasn't many thar to-day Who marched in sixty-one. And thar wuz my old Captain And the Colonel side by side, And as they both saluted me I jist sot down and cried. And I thought about some other boys Whose work has long bin done; Soon thar won't be any left at all Who marched in sixty one. I heered the band play Dixie, And my old heart swelled with pride, A-thinkin' of the boys in gray Who marched on the other side. And when my time it comes, mother, The Lord's will it be done, I hope he'll take me to the boysWho marched in sixty-one.
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