DAY
AND NIGHT STORIES
BY ALGERNON BLACKWOOD
Author of “Ten
Minute Stories,” “Julius Le Vallon,” “The Wave,” etc.
COPYRIGHT, 1917 E. P.
DUTTON & CO.
681 FIFTH AVENUE, New York
CONTENTS: 1. The Tryst 2.The Touch of Pan 3.The Wings of Horus 4.Initiation 5.A Desert Episode 6.The Other Wing 7.The Occupant of the Room 8.Cain’s Atonement 9.An Egyptian Hornet 10.By Water 11.H.S.H. 12.A Bit of Wood 13.A Victim of Higher Space 14.Transition 15.The Tradition
I.THE TRYST
“Je suis la première au
rendez-vous. Je vous attends.”
As he got out of the train at the little
wayside station he remembered the conversation as if it had been yesterday,
instead of fifteen years ago—and his heart went thumping against his ribs so
violently that he almost heard it. The original thrill came over him again with
all its infinite yearning. He felt it as he had felt it then—not
with that tragic lessening the interval had brought to each repetition of its
memory. Here, in the familiar scenery
of its birth, he realised with mingled pain and wonder that the subsequent
years had not destroyed, but only dimmed it. The forgotten rapture flamed back
with all the fierce beauty of its genesis, desire at white heat. And the shock
of the abrupt discovery shattered time. Fifteen years became a negligible
moment; the crowded experiences that had intervened seemed but a dream. The
farewell scene, the conversation on the steamer’s deck, were clear as of the
day before. He saw the hand holding her big hat that fluttered in the wind, saw
the flowers on the dress where the long coat was blown open a moment, recalled
the face of a hurrying steward who had jostled them; he even heard the
voices—his own and hers:
“Yes,” she said simply;
“I promise you. You have my word. I’ll wait——”
“Till I come back to
find you,” he interrupted.
Steadfastly she repeated
his actual words, then added: “Here; at home—that is.”
“I’ll come to the garden
gate as usual,” he told her, trying to smile. “I’ll knock. You’ll open the
gate—as usual—and come out to me.”
These words, too, she
attempted to repeat, but her voice failed, her eyes filled suddenly with tears;
she looked into his face and nodded. It was just then that her little hand went
up to hold the hat on—he saw the very gesture still. He remembered that he was
vehemently tempted to tear his ticket up there and then, to go ashore with her,
to stay in England, to brave all opposition—when the siren roared its third
horrible warning ... and the ship put out to sea.
000
Fifteen years, thick
with various incident, had passed between them since that moment. His life had
risen, fallen, crashed, then risen again. He had come back at last, fortune won
by a lucky coup—at thirty-five; had come back to find her, come back, above
all, to keep his word. Once every three months they had exchanged the brief
letter agreed upon: “I am well; I am waiting; I am happy; I am unmarried.
Yours——.” For his youthful wisdom had insisted that no “man” had the right to
keep “any woman” too long waiting; and she, thinking that letter brave and
splendid, had insisted likewise that he was free—if freedom called him. They
had laughed over this last phrase in their agreement. They put five years as
the possible limit of separation. By then he would have won success, and
obstinate parents would have nothing more to say.
But when the five years
ended he was “on his uppers” in a western mining town, and with the end of ten
in sight those uppers, though changed, were little better, apparently,
than patched and mended. And it was just then, too, that the change which had
been stealing over him betrayed itself. He realised it abruptly, a sense of
shame and horror in him. The discovery was made unconsciously—it disclosed
itself. He was reading her letter as a labourer on a Californian fruit farm:
“Funny she doesn’t marry—some one else!” he heard himself say. The words were
out before he knew it, and certainly before he could suppress them. They just
slipped out, startling him into the truth; and he knew instantly that the
thought was fathered in him by a hidden wish. ... He was older. He had lived.
It was a memory he loved.
Despising himself in a
contradictory fashion—both vaguely and fiercely—he yet held true to his
boyhood’s promise. He did not write and offer to release her, as he knew they
did in stories. He persuaded himself that he meant to keep his word. There was
this fine, stupid, selfish obstinacy in his character. In any case, she would
misunderstand and think he wanted to set free—himself. “Besides—I’m
still—awfully fond of her,” he asserted. And it was true; only the love, it
seemed, had gone its way. Not that another woman took it; he kept himself
clean, held firm as steel. The love, apparently, just faded of its own accord; her
image dimmed, her letters ceased to thrill, then ceased to interest him.
Subsequent reflection
made him realise other details about himself. In the interval he had suffered
hardships, had learned the uncertainty of life that depends for its continuance
on a little food, but that food often hard to come by, and had seen so many
others go under that he held it more cheaply than of old. The wandering
instinct, too, had caught him, slowly killing the domestic impulse; he lost his
desire for a settled place of abode, the desire for children of his own, lost
the desire to marry at all. Also—he reminded himself with a smile—he had lost
other things: the expression of youth she was accustomed to
and held always in her thoughts of him, two fingers of one hand, his hair! He
wore glasses, too. The gentlemen-adventurers of life get scarred in those wild
places where he lived. He saw himself a rather battered specimen well on the
way to middle age.
There was confusion in
his mind, however, and in his heart: a struggling complex of
emotions that made it difficult to know exactly what he did feel. The dominant
clue concealed itself. Feelings shifted. A single, clear determinant did not
offer. He was an honest fellow. “I can’t quite make it out,” he said. “What is
it I really feel? And why?” His motive seemed confused. To keep the flame
alight for ten long buffeting years was no small achievement; better men had
succumbed in half the time. Yet something in him still held fast to the girl as
with a band of steel that would not let her go entirely.
Occasionally there came strong reversions, when he ached with longing,
yearning, hope; when he loved her again; remembered passionately each detail of
the far-off courtship days in the forbidden rectory garden beyond the small, white
garden gate. Or was it merely the image and the memory he loved “again”? He
hardly knew himself. He could not tell. That “again” puzzled him. It was the
wrong word surely. ... He still wrote the promised letter, however; it was so
easy; those short sentences could not betray the dead or dying fires. One day,
besides, he would return and claim her. He meant to keep his word.
And he had kept it. Here
he was, this calm September afternoon, within three miles of the village where
he first had kissed her, where the marvel of first love had come to both; three
short miles between him and the little white garden gate of which at this very
moment she was intently thinking, and behind which some fifty minutes later she
would be standing, waiting for him. ...
He had purposely left
the train at an earlier station; he would walk over in the dusk, climb the
familiar steps, knock at the white gate in the wall as of old, utter the promised
words, “I have come back to find you,” enter, and—keep his word. He had written
from Mexico a week before he sailed; he had made careful, even accurate
calculations: “In the dusk, on the sixteenth of September, I shall come and
knock,” he added to the usual sentences. The knowledge of his coming,
therefore, had been in her possession seven days. Just before sailing,
moreover, he had heard from her—though not in answer, naturally. She was well;
she was happy; she was unmarried; she was waiting.
And now, as by some
magical process of restoration—possible to deep hearts only, perhaps, though
even by them quite inexplicable—the state of first love had blazed up again in
him. In all its radiant beauty it lit his heart, burned unextinguished in his
soul, set body and mind on fire. The years had merely veiled it. It burst upon
him, captured, overwhelmed him with the suddenness of a dream. He stepped from
the train. He met it in the face. It took him prisoner. The familiar trees and
hedges, the unchanged countryside, the “field-smells known in infancy,” all
these, with something subtly added to them, rolled back the passion of his
youth upon him in a flood. No longer was he bound upon what he deemed, perhaps,
an act of honourable duty; it was love that drove him, as it drove him fifteen
years before. And it drove him with the accumulated passion of desire long
forcibly repressed; almost as if, out of some fancied notion of fairness to the
girl, he had deliberately, yet still unconsciously, said “No” to it; that she had
not faded, but that he had decided, “I must forget her.” That
sentence: “Why doesn’t she marry—some one else?” had not betrayed change in
himself. It surprised another motive: “It’s not fair to—her!”
His mind worked with a
curious rapidity, but worked within one circle only. The stress of sudden
emotion was extraordinary. He remembered a thousand things—yet, chief
among them, those occasional reversions when he had felt he “loved her again.”
Had he not, after all, deceived himself? Had she ever really “faded” at all?
Had he not felt he ought to let her fade—release her that way? And the change
in himself?—that sentence on the Californian fruit-farm—what did they mean?
Which had been true, the fading or the love?
The confusion in his
mind was hopeless, but, as a matter of fact, he did not think at all: he
only felt. The momentum, besides, was irresistible, and before the
shattering onset of the sweet revival he did not stop to analyse the strange
result. He knew certain things, and cared to know no others: that his heart was
leaping, his blood running with the heat of twenty, that joy recaptured him,
that he must see, hear, touch her, hold her in his arms—and marry her. For the
fifteen years had crumbled to a little thing, and at thirty-five he felt himself
but twenty, rapturously, deliciously in love.
He went quickly, eagerly
down the little street to the inn, still feeling only, not thinking anything.
The vehement uprush of the old emotion made reflection of any kind impossible.
He gave no further thought to those long years “out there,” when her name, her
letters, the very image of her in his mind, had found him, if not cold, at
least without keen response. All that was forgotten as though it had not been.
The steadfast thing in him, this strong holding to a promise which had never
wilted, ousted the recollection of fading and decay that, whatever caused them,
certainly had existed. And this steadfast thing now took
command. This enduring quality in his character led him. It was only towards
the end of the hurried tea he first received the singular impression—vague,
indeed, but undeniably persistent—the strange impression that he was being led.
Yet, though aware of
this, he did not pause to argue or reflect. The emotional displacement in him,
of course, had been more than considerable: there had been upheaval, a
change whose abruptness was even dislocating, fundamental in a sense he could
not estimate—shock. Yet he took no count of anything but the one mastering
desire to get to her as soon as possible, knock at the small, white garden
gate, hear her answering voice, see the low wooden door swing open—take her.
There was joy and glory in his heart, and a yearning sweet delight. At this
very moment she was expecting him. And he—had come.
Behind these positive
emotions, however, there lay concealed all the time others that were of a
negative character. Consciously, he was not aware of them, but they were there;
they revealed their presence in various little ways that puzzled him. He
recognised them absentmindedly, as it were; did not analyse or investigate
them. For, through the confusion upon his faculties, rose also a certain hint
of insecurity that betrayed itself by a slight hesitancy or miscalculation in
one or two unimportant actions. There was a touch of melancholy, too, a sense
of something lost. It lay, perhaps, in that tinge of sadness which accompanies
the twilight of an autumn day, when a gentler, mournful beauty veils a greater
beauty that is past. Some trick of memory connected it with a scene of early
boyhood, when, meaning to see the sunrise, he overslept, and, by a brief
half-hour, was just—too late. He noted it merely, then passed on; he did not
understand it; he hurried all the more, this hurry the only sign that it was noted.
“I must be quick,” flashed up across his strongly positive emotions.
And, due to this hurry,
possibly, were the slight miscalculations that he made. They were very trivial.
He rang for sugar, though the bowl stood just before his eyes, yet when the
girl came in he forgot completely what he rang for—and inquired instead about
the evening trains to London. And, when the time-table was laid before him, he
examined it without intelligence, then looked up suddenly into the maid’s
face with a question about flowers. Were there flowers to be had in the village
anywhere? What kind of flowers? “Oh, a bouquet or a”—he hesitated, searching
for a word that tried to present itself, yet was not the word he wanted
to make use of—“or a wreath—of some sort?” he finished. He took the very word
he did not want to take. In several things he did and said, this hesitancy and
miscalculation betrayed themselves—such trivial things, yet significant in an
elusive way that he disliked. There was sadness, insecurity somewhere in them.
And he resented them, aware of their existence only because they qualified his
joy. There was a whispered “No” floating somewhere in the dusk. Almost—he felt
disquiet. He hurried, more and more eager to be off upon his journey—the final
part of it.
Moreover, there were
other signs of an odd miscalculation—dislocation, perhaps, properly speaking—in
him. Though the inn was familiar from his boyhood days, kept by the same old
couple, too, he volunteered no information about himself, nor asked a single
question about the village he was bound for. He did not even inquire if the
rector—her father—still were living. And when he left he entirely neglected the
gilt-framed mirror above the mantelpiece of plush, dusty pampas-grass in
waterless vases on either side. It did not matter, apparently, whether he
looked well or ill, tidy or untidy. He forgot that when his cap was off the
absence of thick, accustomed hair must alter him considerably, forgot also that
two fingers were missing from one hand, the right hand, the hand that she would
presently clasp. Nor did it occur to him that he wore glasses, which must
change his expression and add to the appearance of the years he bore. None of
these obvious and natural things seemed to come into his thoughts at all. He
was in a hurry to be off. He did not think. But, though his mind may not have
noted these slight betrayals with actual sentences, his attitude,
nevertheless, expressed them. This was, it seemed, the feeling in
him: “What could such details matter to her now? Why, indeed,
should he give to them a single thought? It was himself she loved and waited
for, not separate items of his external, physical image.” As well think of the
fact that she, too, must have altered—outwardly. It never once occurred to him.
Such details were of To-day. ... He was only impatient to come to her quickly,
very quickly, instantly, if possible. He hurried.
There was a flood of
boyhood’s joy in him. He paid for his tea, giving a tip that was twice the
price of the meal, and set out gaily and impetuously along the winding lane.
Charged to the brim with a sweet picture of a small, white garden gate, the
loved face close behind it, he went forward at a headlong pace, singing “Nancy
Lee” as he used to sing it fifteen years before.
With action, then, the negative
sensations hid themselves, obliterated by the positive ones that took command.
The former, however, merely lay concealed; they waited. Thus, perhaps, does
vital emotion, overlong restrained, denied, indeed, of its blossoming
altogether, take revenge. Repressed elements in his psychic life asserted
themselves, selecting, as though naturally, a dramatic form.
The dusk fell rapidly,
mist rose in floating strips along the meadows by the stream; the old, familiar
details beckoned him forwards, then drove him from behind as he went swiftly
past them. He recognised others rising through the thickening air beyond; they
nodded, peered, and whispered; sometimes they almost sang. And each added to
his inner happiness; each brought its sweet and precious contribution, and
built it into the reconstructed picture of the earlier, long-forgotten rapture.
It was an enticing and enchanted journey that he made, something impossibly
blissful in it, something, too, that seemed curiously—inevitable.
For the scenery had not
altered all these years, the details of the country were unchanged, everything
he saw was rich with dear and precious association, increasing the momentum of
the tide that carried him along. Yonder was the stile over whose broken step he
had helped her yesterday, and there the slippery plank across the stream where
she looked above her shoulder to ask for his support; he saw the very bramble
bushes where she scratched her hand, a-blackberrying, the day before ... and,
finally, the weather-stained signpost, “To the Rectory.” It pointed to the path
through the dangerous field where Farmer Sparrow’s bull provided such a sweet
excuse for holding, leading—protecting her. From the entire landscape rose a
steam of recent memory, each incident alive, each little detail brimmed with
its cargo of fond association.
He read the rough black
lettering on the crooked arm—it was rather faded, but he knew it too well to
miss a single letter—and hurried forward along the muddy track; he looked about
him for a sign of Farmer Sparrow’s bull; he even felt in the misty air for the
little hand that he might take and lead her into safety. The thought of her
drew him on with such irresistible anticipation that it seemed as if the
cumulative drive of vanished and unsated years evoked the tangible phantom
almost. He actually felt it, soft and warm and clinging in his own, that was no
longer incomplete and mutilated.
Yet it was not he who
led and guided now, but, more and more, he who was being led. The hint had
first betrayed its presence at the inn; it now openly declared itself. It had
crossed the frontier into a positive sensation. Its growth, swiftly increasing
all this time, had accomplished itself; he had ignored, somehow, both its
genesis and quick development; the result he plainly recognised. She was
expecting him, indeed, but it was more than expectation; there was calling in
it—she summoned him. Her thought and longing reached him along that old,
invisible track love builds so easily between true, faithful hearts. All the
forces of her being, her very voice, came towards him through the deepening
autumn twilight. He had not noticed the curious physical restoration in his
hand, but he was vividly aware of this more magical alteration—that she led
and guided him, drawing him ever more swiftly towards the little, white garden
gate where she stood at this very moment, waiting. Her sweet strength compelled
him; there was this new touch of something irresistible about the familiar
journey, where formerly had been delicious yielding only, shy, tentative
advance. He realised it—inevitable.
His footsteps hurried,
faster and ever faster; so deep was the allurement in his blood, he almost ran.
He reached the narrow, winding lane, and raced along it. He knew each bend,
each angle of the holly hedge, each separate incident of ditch and stone. He
could have plunged blindfold down it at top speed. The familiar perfumes rushed
at him—dead leaves and mossy earth and ferns and dock leaves, bringing the
bewildering currents of strong emotion in him all together as in a rising wave.
He saw, then, the crumbling wall, the cedars topping it with spreading
branches, the chimneys of the rectory. On his right bulked the outline of the
old, grey church; the twisted, ancient yews, the company of gravestones,
upright and leaning, dotting the ground like listening figures. But he looked
at none of these. For, on his left, he already saw the five rough steps of
stone that led from the lane towards a small, white garden gate. That gate at
last shone before him, rising through the misty air. He reached it.
He stopped dead a
moment. His heart, it seemed, stopped too, then took to violent hammering in
his brain. There was a roaring in his mind, and yet a marvellous silence—just
behind it. Then the roar of emotion died away. There was utter stillness. This
stillness, silence, was all about him. The world seemed preternaturally
quiet.
But the pause was too
brief to measure. For the tide of emotion had receded only to come on again
with redoubled power. He turned, leaped forward, clambered impetuously up the
rough stone steps, and flung himself, breathless and exhausted, against the
trivial barrier that stood between his eyes and—hers. In his wild, half violent
impatience, however, he stumbled. That roaring, too, confused him. He fell
forward, it seemed, for twilight had merged in darkness, and he misjudged the
steps, the distances he yet knew so well. For a moment, certainly, he lay at
full length upon the uneven ground against the wall; the steps had tripped him.
And then he raised himself and knocked. His right hand struck upon the small,
white garden gate. Upon the two lost fingers he felt the impact. “I am here,”
he cried, with a deep sound in his throat as though utterance was choked and
difficult. “I have come back—to find you.”
For a fraction of a
second he waited, while the world stood still and waited with him. But there
was no delay. Her answer came at once: “I am well. ... I am happy. ... I am
waiting.”
And the voice was dear
and marvellous as of old. Though the words were strange, reminding him of
something dreamed, forgotten, lost, it seemed, he did not take special note of
them. He only wondered that she did not open instantly that he might see her.
Speech could follow, but sight came surely first! There was this
lightning-flash of disappointment in him. Ah, she was lengthening out the
marvellous moment, as often and often she had done before. It was to tease him
that she made him wait. He knocked again; he pushed against the unyielding
surface. For he noticed that it was unyielding; and there was a depth in the
tender voice that he could not understand.
“Open!” he cried again,
but louder than before. “I have come back to find you!” And as he said it
the mist struck cold and thick against his face.
But her answer froze his
blood.
“I cannot open.”
And a sudden anguish of
despair rose over him; the sound of her voice was strange; in it was faintness,
distance—as well as depth. It seemed to echo. Something frantic seized him
then—the panic sense.
“Open, open! Come out to
me!” he tried to shout. His voice failed oddly; there was no power in it.
Something appalling struck him between the eyes. “For God’s sake, open. I’m
waiting here! Open, and come out to me!”
The reply was muffled by
distance that already seemed increasing; he was conscious of freezing cold
about him—in his heart.
“I cannot open. You must
come in to me. I’m here and—waiting—always.”
He knew not exactly then
what happened, for the cold grew deeper and the icy mist was in his throat. No
words would come. He rose to his knees, and from his knees to his feet. He
stooped. With all his force he knocked again; in a blind frenzy of despair he
hammered and beat against the unyielding barrier of the small, white garden
gate. He battered it till the skin of his knuckles was torn and bleeding—the
first two fingers of a hand already mutilated. He remembers the torn and broken
skin, for he noticed in the gloom that stains upon the gate bore witness to his
violence; it was not till afterwards that he remembered the other fact—that the
hand had already suffered mutilation, long, long years ago. The power of sound
was feebly in him; he called aloud; there was no answer. He tried to scream,
but the scream was muffled in his throat before it issued properly; it was a
nightmare scream. As a last resort he flung himself bodily upon the unyielding
gate, with such precipitate violence, moreover, that his face struck
against its surface.
From the friction, then,
along the whole length of his cheek he knew that the surface was not smooth.
Cold and rough that surface was; but also—it was not of wood. Moreover, there
was writing on it he had not seen before. How he deciphered it in the gloom, he
never knew. The lettering was deeply cut. Perhaps he traced it with his fingers;
his right hand certainly lay stretched upon it. He made out a name, a date, a
broken verse from the Bible, and the words, “died peacefully.” The lettering
was sharply cut with edges that were new. For the date was of a week ago; the
broken verse ran, “When the shadows flee away ...” and the small, white garden
gate was unyielding because it was of—stone.
000
At the inn he found
himself staring at a table from which the tea things had not been cleared away.
There was a railway time-table in his hands, and his head was bent forwards
over it, trying to decipher the lettering in the growing twilight. Beside him,
still fingering a shilling, stood the serving-girl; her other hand held a brown
tray with a running dog painted upon its dented surface. It swung to and fro a
little as she spoke, evidently continuing a conversation her customer had
begun. For she was giving information—in the colourless, disinterested voice
such persons use:
“We all went to the
funeral, sir, all the country people went. The grave was her father’s—the
family grave. ...” Then, seeing that her customer was too absorbed in the
time-table to listen further, she said no more but began to pile the tea things
on to the tray with noisy clatter.
Ten minutes later, in
the road, he stood hesitating. The signal at the station just opposite was
already down. The autumn mist was rising. He looked along the winding road
that melted away into the distance, then slowly turned and reached the platform
just as the London train came in. He felt very old—too old to walk six
miles. ...
II.THE TOUCH OF PAN
1
An idiot, Heber understood, was a person in
whom intelligence had been arrested—instinct acted, but not reason. A lunatic,
on the other hand, was some one whose reason had gone awry—the mechanism of the
brain was injured. The lunatic was out of relation with his environment; the
idiot had merely been delayed en route.
Be that as it might, he
knew at any rate that a lunatic was not to be listened to, whereas an
idiot—well, the one he fell in love with certainly had the secret of some
instinctual knowledge that was not only joy, but a kind of sheer natural joy.
Probably it was that sheer natural joy of living that reason argues to be
untaught, degraded. In any case—at thirty—he married her instead of the
daughter of a duchess he was engaged to. They lead to-day that happy, natural,
vagabond life called idiotic, unmindful of that world the majority of
reasonable people live only to remember.
Though born into an
artificial social clique that made it difficult, Heber had always loved the
simple things. Nature, especially, meant much to him. He would rather see a
woodland misty with bluebells than all the châteaux on the Loire; the thought
of a mountain valley in the dawn made his feet lonely in the grandest houses.
Yet in these very houses was his home established. Not that he under-estimated
worldly things—their value was too obvious—but that it was another thing he
wanted. Only he did not know precisely what he wanted until
this particular idiot made it plain.
Her case was a mild one,
possibly; the title bestowed by implication rather than by specific mention.
Her family did not say that she was imbecile or half-witted, but that she “was
not all there” they probably did say. Perhaps she saw men as trees walking,
perhaps she saw through a glass darkly. Heber, who had met her once or twice,
though never yet to speak to, did not analyse her degree of sight, for in him,
personally, she woke a secret joy and wonder that almost involved a touch of
awe. The part of her that was not “all there” dwelt in an “elsewhere” that he
longed to know about. He wanted to share it with her. She seemed aware of
certain happy and desirable things that reason and too much thinking hide.
He just felt this
instinctively without analysis. The values they set upon the prizes of life
were similar. Money to her was just stamped metal, fame a loud noise of sorts,
position nothing. Of people she was aware as a dog or bird might be aware—they
were kind or unkind. Her parents, having collected much metal and achieved
position, proceeded to make a loud noise of sorts with some success; and since
she did not contribute, either by her appearance or her tastes, to their
ambitions, they neglected her and made excuses. They were ashamed of her
existence. Her father in particular justified Nietzsche’s shrewd remark that no
one with a loud voice can listen to subtle thoughts.
She was, perhaps,
sixteen—for, though she looked it, eighteen or nineteen was probably more in
accord with her birth certificate. Her mother was content, however, that she
should dress the lesser age, preferring to tell strangers that she was
childish, rather than admit that she was backward.
“You’ll never marry at
all, child, much less marry as you might,” she said, “if you go about with
that rabbit expression on your face. That’s not the way to catch a nice young
man of the sort we get down to stay with us now. Many a chorus-girl with less
than you’ve got has caught them easily enough. Your sister’s done well. Why not
do the same? There’s nothing to be shy or frightened about.”
“But I’m not shy or
frightened, mother. I’m bored. I mean they bore me.”
It made no difference to
the girl; she was herself. The bored expression in the eyes—the rabbit,
not-all-there expression—gave place sometimes to another look. Yet not often,
nor with anybody. It was this other look that stirred the strange joy in the
man who fell in love with her. It is not to be easily described. It was very
wonderful. Whether sixteen or nineteen, she then looked—a thousand.
000
The house-party was of
that up-to-date kind prevalent in Heber’s world. Husbands and wives were not
asked together. There was a cynical disregard of the decent (not the stupid)
conventions that savoured of abandon, perhaps of decadence. He only went
himself in the hope of seeing the backward daughter once again. Her millionaire
parents afflicted him, the smart folk tired him. Their peculiar affectation of
a special language, their strange belief that they were of importance, their
treatment of the servants, their calculated self-indulgence, all jarred upon
him more than usual. At bottom he heartily despised the whole vapid set. He
felt uncomfortable and out of place. Though not a prig, he abhorred the way
these folk believed themselves the climax of fine living. Their open immorality
disgusted him, their indiscriminate love-making was merely rather nasty; he
watched the very girl he was at last to settle down with behaving as the tone
of the clique expected over her final fling—and, bored by the strain of so much
“modernity,” he tried to get away. Tea was long over, the sunset interval
invited, he felt hungry for trees and fields that were not self-conscious—and
he escaped. The flaming June day was turning chill. Dusk hovered over the
ancient house, veiling the pretentious new wing that had been added. And he
came across the idiot girl at the bend of the drive, where the birch trees
shivered in the evening wind. His heart gave a leap.
She was leaning against
one of the dreadful statues—it was a satyr—that sprinkled the lawn. Her back
was to him; she gazed at a group of broken pine trees in the park beyond. He
paused an instant, then went on quickly, while his mind scurried to recall her
name. They were within easy speaking range.
“Miss Elizabeth!” he
cried, yet not too loudly lest she might vanish as suddenly as she had
appeared. She turned at once. Her eyes and lips were smiling welcome at him
without pretence. She showed no surprise.
“You’re the first one of
the lot who’s said it properly,” she exclaimed, as he came up. “Everybody calls
me Elizabeth instead of Elspeth. It’s idiotic. They don’t even take the trouble
to get a name right.”
“It is,” he agreed.
“Quite idiotic.” He did not correct her. Possibly he had said Elspeth after
all—the names were similar. Her perfectly natural voice was grateful to his
ear, and soothing. He looked at her all over with an open admiration that she
noticed and, without concealment, liked. She was very untidy, the grey
stockings on her vigorous legs were torn, her short skirt was spattered with
mud. Her nut-brown hair, glossy and plentiful, flew loose about neck and
shoulders. In place of the usual belt she had tied a coloured handkerchief
round her waist. She wore no hat. What she had been doing to get in such a
state, while her parents entertained a “distinguished” party, he did not know,
but it was not difficult to guess. Climbing trees or riding bareback and
astride was probably the truth. Yet her dishevelled state became her well, and
the welcome in her face delighted him. She remembered him, she was glad. He, too, was glad, and a sense both happy and reckless stirred in
his heart. “Like a wild animal,” he said, “you come out in the dusk——”
“To play with my kind,”
she answered in a flash, throwing him a glance of invitation that made his
blood go dancing.
He leaned against the
statue a moment, asking himself why this young Cinderella of a parvenu family
delighted him when all the London beauties left him cold. There was a lift
through his whole being as he watched her, slim and supple, grace shining
through the untidy modern garb—almost as though she wore no clothes. He thought
of a panther standing upright. Her poise was so alert—one arm upon the marble
ledge, one leg bent across the other, the hip-line showing like a bird’s curved
wing. Wild animal or bird, flashed across his mind: something untamed and
natural. Another second, and she might leap away—or spring into his arms.
It was a deep, stirring
sensation in him that produced the mental picture. “Pure and natural,” a voice
whispered with it in his heart, “as surely as they are just
the other thing!” And the thrill struck with unerring aim at the very root of
that unrest he had always known in the state of life to which he was called.
She made it natural, clean, and pure. This girl and himself were somehow kin.
The primitive thing broke loose in him.
In two seconds, while he
stood with her beside the vulgar statue, these thoughts passed through his
mind. But he did not at first give utterance to any of them. He spoke more
formally, although laughter, due to his happiness, lay behind:
“They haven’t asked you
to the party, then? Or you don’t care about it? Which is it?”
“Both,” she said,
looking fearlessly into his face. “But I’ve been here ten minutes already. Why
were you so long?”
This outspoken honesty
was hardly what he expected, yet in another sense he was not surprised. Her
eyes were very penetrating, very innocent, very frank. He felt her as clean and
sweet as some young fawn that asks plainly to be stroked and fondled. He told
the truth: “I couldn’t get away before. I had to play about and——” when she
interrupted with impatience:
“They don’t
really want you,” she exclaimed scornfully. “I do.”
And, before he could
choose one out of the several answers that rushed into his mind, she nudged him
with her foot, holding it out a little so that he saw the shoelace was
unfastened. She nodded her head towards it, and pulled her skirt up half an
inch as he at once stooped down.
“And, anyhow,” she went
on as he fumbled with the lace, touching her ankle with his hand, “you’re going
to marry one of them. I read it in the paper. It’s idiotic. You’ll be
miserable.”
The blood rushed to his
head, but whether owing to his stooping or to something else, he could not say.
“I only came—I only
accepted,” he said quickly, “because I wanted to see you again.”
“Of course. I made
mother ask you.”
He did an impulsive
thing. Kneeling as he was, he bent his head a little lower and suddenly kissed
the soft grey stocking—then stood up and looked her in the face. She was
laughing happily, no sign of embarrassment in her anywhere, no trace of
outraged modesty. She just looked very pleased.
“I’ve tied a knot that
won’t come undone in a hurry——” he began, then stopped dead. For as he said it,
gazing into her smiling face, another expression looked forth at him from the
two big eyes of hazel. Something rushed from his heart to meet it. It may have
been that playful kiss, it may have been the way she took it; but, at any rate,
there was a strength in the new emotion that made him unsure of who he was and
of whom he looked at. He forgot the place, the time, his own identity and
hers. The lawn swept from beneath his feet, the English sunset with it. He
forgot his host and hostess, his fellow guests, even his father’s name and his
own into the bargain. He was carried away upon a great tide, the girl always
beside him. He left the shore-line in the distance, already half forgotten, the
shore-line of his education, learning, manners, social point of view—everything
to which his father had most carefully brought him up as the scion of an
old-established English family. This girl had torn up the anchor. Only the
anchor had previously been loosened a little by his own unconscious and restless
efforts. ...
Where was she taking him
to? Upon what island would they land?
“I’m younger than you—a
good deal,” she broke in upon his rushing mood. “But that doesn’t matter a bit,
does it? We’re about the same age really.”
With the happy sound of
her voice the extraordinary sensation passed—or, rather, it became normal. But
that it had lasted an appreciable time was proved by the fact that they had
left the statue on the lawn, the house was no longer visible behind them, and
they were walking side by side between the massive rhododendron clumps. They
brought up against a five-barred gate into the park. They leaned upon the
topmost bar, and he felt her shoulder touching his—edging into it—as they
looked across to the grove of pines.
“I feel absurdly young,”
he said without a sign of affectation, “and yet I’ve been looking for you a
thousand years and more.”
The afterglow lit up her
face; it fell on her loose hair and tumbled blouse, turning them amber red. She
looked not only soft and comely, but extraordinarily beautiful. The strange
expression haunted the deep eyes again, the lips were a little parted, the
young breast heaving slightly, joy and excitement in her whole presentment. And
as he watched her he knew that all he had just felt was due to her close
presence, to her atmosphere, her perfume, her physical warmth and vigour. It
had emanated directly from her being.
“Of course,” she said,
and laughed so that he felt her breath upon his face. He bent lower to bring
his own on a level, gazing straight into her eyes that were fixed upon the
field beyond. They were clear and luminous as pools of water, and in their
centre, sharp as a photograph, he saw the reflection of the pine grove, perhaps
a hundred yards away. With detailed accuracy he saw it, empty and motionless in
the glimmering June dusk.
Then something caught
his eye. He examined the picture more closely. He drew slightly nearer. He
almost touched her face with his own, forgetting for a moment whose were the
eyes that served him for a mirror. For, looking intently thus, it seemed to him
that there was a movement, a passing to and fro, a stirring as of figures among
the trees. ... Then suddenly the entire picture was obliterated. She had
dropped her lids. He heard her speaking—the warm breath was again upon his
face:
“In the heart of that
wood dwell I.”
His heart gave another
leap—more violent than the first—for the wonder and beauty of the sentence
caught him like a spell. There was a lilt and rhythm in the words that made it
poetry. She laid emphasis upon the pronoun and the nouns. It seemed the last
line of some delicious runic verse:
“In the heart of
the wood—dwell I. ...”
And it flashed across
him: That living, moving, inhabited pine wood was her thought. It was thus she
saw it. Her nature flung back to a life she understood, a life that needed,
claimed her. The ostentatious and artificial values that surrounded her, she
denied, even as the distinguished house-party of her ambitious, masquerading
family neglected her. Of course she was unnoticed by them, just as a swallow or
a wild-rose were unnoticed.
He knew her secret then,
for she had told it to him. It was his own secret too. They were akin, as the
birds and animals were akin. They belonged together in some free and open life,
natural, wild, untamed. That unhampered life was flowing about them now,
rising, beating with delicious tumult in her veins and his, yet innocent as the
sunlight and the wind—because it was as freely recognised.
“Elspeth!” he cried,
“come, take me with you! We’ll go at once. Come—hurry—before we forget to be
happy, or remember to be wise again——!”
His words stopped
half-way towards completion, for a perfume floated past him, born of the summer
dusk, perhaps, yet sweet with a penetrating magic that made his senses reel
with some remembered joy. No flower, no scented garden bush delivered it. It
was the perfume of young, spendthrift life, sweet with the purity that reason
had not yet stained. The girl moved closer. Gathering her loose hair between
her fingers, she brushed his cheeks and eyes with it, her slim, warm body
pressing against him as she leaned over laughingly.
“In the darkness,” she
whispered in his ear; “when the moon puts the house upon the statue!”
And he understood. Her
world lay behind the vulgar, staring day. He turned. He heard the flutter of
skirts—just caught the grey stockings, swift and light, as they flew behind the
rhododendron masses. And she was gone.
He stood a long time,
leaning upon that five-barred gate. ... It was the dressing-gong that recalled
him at length to what seemed the present. By the conservatory door, as he went
slowly in, he met his distinguished cousin—who was helping the girl he himself
was to marry to enjoy her “final fling.” He looked at his cousin. He
realised suddenly that he was merely vicious. There was no sun and wind, no
flowers—there was depravity only, lust instead of laughter, excitement in place
of happiness. It was calculated, not spontaneous. His mind was in it. Without
joy it was. He was not natural.
“Not a girl in the whole
lot fit to look at,” he exclaimed with peevish boredom, excusing himself
stupidly for his illicit conduct. “I’m off in the morning.” He shrugged his
blue-blooded shoulders. “These millionaires! Their shooting’s all right, but
their mixum-gatherum week-ends—bah!” His gesture completed all he had to say
about this one in particular. He glanced sharply, nastily, at his companion. “You look
as if you’d found something!” he added, with a suggestive grin. “Or have you
seen the ghost that was paid for with the house?” And he guffawed and let his
eyeglass drop. “Lady Hermione will be asking for an explanation—eh?”
“Idiot!” replied Heber,
and ran upstairs to dress for dinner.
But the word was wrong,
he remembered, as he closed his door. It was lunatic he had meant to say, yet
something more as well. He saw the smart, modern philanderer somehow as a
beast.
2
It was nearly midnight
when he went up to bed, after an evening of intolerable amusement. The
abandoned moral attitude, the common rudeness, the contempt of all others but
themselves, the ugly jests, the horseplay of tasteless minds that passed for
gaiety, above all the shamelessness of the women that behind the cover of fine
breeding aped emancipation, afflicted him to a boredom that touched
desperation.
He understood now with a
clarity unknown before. As with his cousin, so with these. They took life, he saw,
with a brazen effrontery they thought was freedom, while yet it was life that
they denied. He felt vampired and degraded; spontaneity went out of him. The
fact that the geography of bedrooms was studied openly seemed an affirmation of
vice that sickened him. Their ways were nauseous merely. He escaped—unnoticed.
He locked his door, went
to the open window, and looked out into the night—then started. For silver
dressed the lawn and park, the shadow of the building lay dark across the
elaborate garden, and the moon, he noticed, was just high enough to put the
house upon the statue. The chimney-stacks edged the pedestal precisely.
“Odd!” he exclaimed.
“Odd that I should come at the very moment——!” then smiled as he realised how
his proposed adventure would be misinterpreted, its natural innocence and
spirit ruined—if he were seen. “And some one would be sure to see me on a night
like this. There are couples still hanging about in the garden.” And he glanced
at the shrubberies and secret paths that seemed to float upon the warm June air
like islands.
He stood for a moment
framed in the glare of the electric light, then turned back into the room; and
at that instant a low sound like a bird-call rose from the lawn below. It was
soft and flutey, as though some one played two notes upon a reed, a piping
sound. He had been seen, and she was waiting for him. Before he knew it, he had
made an answering call, of oddly similar kind, then switched the light out.
Three minutes later, dressed in simpler clothes, with a cap pulled over his
eyes, he reached the back lawn by means of the conservatory and the
billiard-room. He paused a moment to look about him. There was no one, although
the lights were still ablaze. “I am an idiot,” he chuckled to himself. “I’m
acting on instinct!” He ran.
The sweet night air
bathed him from head to foot; there was strength and cleansing in it. The
lawn shone wet with dew. He could almost smell the perfume of the stars. The
fumes of wine, cigars and artificial scent were left behind, the atmosphere exhaled
by civilisation, by heavy thoughts, by bodies overdressed, unwisely
stimulated—all, all forgotten. He passed into a world of magical enchantment.
The hush of the open sky came down. In black and white the garden lay, brimmed
full with beauty, shot by the ancient silver of the moon, spangled with the
stars’ old-gold. And the night wind rustled in the rhododendron masses as he
flew between them.
In a moment he was
beside the statue, engulfed now by the shadow of the building, and the girl
detached herself silently from the blur of darkness. Two arms were flung about
his neck, a shower of soft hair fell on his cheek with a heady scent of earth
and leaves and grass, and the same instant they were away together at full
speed—towards the pine wood. Their feet were soundless on the soaking grass.
They went so swiftly that they made a whir of following wind that blew her hair
across his eyes.
And the sudden contrast
caused a shock that put a blank, perhaps, upon his mind, so that he lost the
standard of remembered things. For it was no longer merely a particular
adventure; it seemed a habit and a natural joy resumed. It was not new. He knew
the momentum of an accustomed happiness, mislaid, it may be, but certainly
familiar. They sped across the gravel paths that intersected the well-groomed
lawn, they leaped the flower-beds, so laboriously shaped in mockery, they
clambered over the ornamental iron railings, scorning the easier five-barred
gate into the park. The longer grass then shook the dew in soaking showers against
his knees. He stooped, as though in some foolish effort to turn up something,
then realised that his legs, of course, were bare. Her garment
was already high and free, for she, too, was barelegged like himself. He
saw her little ankles, wet and shining in the moonlight, and flinging himself
down, he kissed them happily, plunging his face into the dripping, perfumed
grass. Her ringing laughter mingled with his own, as she stooped beside him the
same instant; her hair hung in a silver cloud; her eyes gleamed through its
curtain into his; then, suddenly, she soaked her hands in the heavy dew and
passed them over his face with a softness that was like the touch of some
scented southern wind.
“Now you are anointed
with the Night,” she cried. “No one will know you. You are forgotten of the
world. Kiss me!”
“We’ll play for ever and
ever,” he cried, “the eternal game that was old when the world was yet young,”
and lifting her in his arms he kissed her eyes and lips. There was some natural
bliss of song and dance and laughter in his heart, an elemental bliss that
caught them together as wind and sunlight catch the branches of a tree. She
leaped from the ground to meet his swinging arms. He ran with her, then tossed
her off and caught her neatly as she fell. Evading a second capture, she danced
ahead, holding out one shining arm that he might follow. Hand in hand they
raced on together through the clean summer moonlight. Yet there remained a
smooth softness as of fur against his neck and shoulders, and he saw then that
she wore skins of tawny colour that clung to her body closely, that he wore
them too, and that her skin, like his own, was of a sweet dusky brown.
Then, pulling her
towards him, he stared into her face. She suffered the close gaze a second, but
no longer, for with a burst of sparkling laughter again she leaped into his
arms, and before he shook her free she had pulled and tweaked the two small
horns that hid in the thick curly hair behind, and just above, the ears.
And that wilful tweaking
turned him wild and reckless. That touch ran down him deep into the mothering
earth. He leaped and ran and sang with a great laughing sound. The wine of
eternal youth flushed all his veins with joy, and the old, old world was young
again with every impulse of natural happiness intensified with the Earth’s own
foaming tide of life.
From head to foot he
tingled with the delight of Spring, prodigal with creative power. Of course he
could fly the bushes and fling wild across the open! Of course the wind and
moonlight fitted close and soft about him like a skin! Of course he had youth
and beauty for playmates, with dancing, laughter, singing, and a thousand
kisses! For he and she were natural once again. They were free together of
those long-forgotten days when “Pan leaped through the roses in the month of
June ...!”
With the girl swaying
this way and that upon his shoulders, tweaking his horns with mischief and
desire, hanging her flying hair before his eyes, then bending swiftly over
again to lift it, he danced to join the rest of their companions in the little
moonlit grove of pines beyond. ...
3
They rose somewhat
pointed, perhaps, against the moonlight, those English pines—more with the
shape of cypresses, some might have thought. A stream gushed down between their
roots, there were mossy ferns, and rough grey boulders with lichen on them. But
there was no dimness, for the silver of the moon sprinkled freely through the
branches like the faint sunlight that it really was, and the air ran out to
meet them with a heady fragrance that was wiser far than wine.
The girl, in an instant,
was whirled from her perch on his shoulders and caught by a dozen arms that
bore her into the heart of the jolly, careless throng. Whisht! Whew! Whir! She
was gone, but another, fairer still, was in her place, with skins as soft
and knees that clung as tightly. Her eyes were liquid amber, grapes hung
between her little breasts, her arms entwined about him, smoother than marble,
and as cool. She had a crystal laugh.
But he flung her off, so
that she fell plump among a group of bigger figures lolling against a twisted
root and roaring with a jollity that boomed like wind through the chorus of a
song. They seized her, kissed her, then sent her flying. They were happier with
their glad singing. They held stone goblets, red and foaming, in their
broad-palmed hands.
“The mountains lie
behind us!” cried a figure dancing past. “We are come at last into our valley
of delight. Grapes, breasts, and rich red lips! Ho! Ho! It is time to press
them that the juice of life may run!” He waved a cluster of ferns across the
air and vanished amid a cloud of song and laughter.
“It is ours. Use it!”
answered a deep, ringing voice. “The valleys are our own. No climbing now!” And
a wind of echoing cries gave answer from all sides. “Life! Life! Life!
Abundant, flowing over—use it, use it!”
A troop of nymphs rushed
forth, escaped from clustering arms and lips they yet openly desired. He chased
them in and out among the waving branches, while she who had brought him ever
followed, and sped past him and away again. He caught three gleaming soft brown
bodies, then fell beneath them, smothered, bubbling with joyous laughter—next
freed himself and, while they sought to drag him captive again, escaped and
raced with a leap upon a slimmer, sweeter outline that swung up—only just in
time—upon a lower bough, whence she leaned down above him with hanging net of
hair and merry eyes. A few feet beyond his reach, she laughed and teased
him—the one who had brought him in, the one he ever sought, and who for ever
sought him too. ...
It became a riotous
glory of wild children who romped and played with an impassioned glee
beneath the moon. For the world was young and they, her happy offspring, glowed
with the life she poured so freely into them. All intermingled, the laughing
voices rose into a foam of song that broke against the stars. The difficult
mountains had been climbed and were forgotten. Good! Then, enjoy the luxuriant,
fruitful valley and be glad! And glad they were, brimful with spontaneous
energy, natural as birds and animals that obeyed the big, deep rhythm of a
simpler age—natural as wind and innocent as sunshine.
Yet, for all the untamed
riot, there was a lift of beauty pulsing underneath. Even when the wildest
abandon approached the heat of orgy, when the recklessness appeared
excess—there hid that marvellous touch of loveliness which makes the natural
sacred. There was coherence, purpose, the fulfilling of an exquisite law: there
was worship. The form it took, haply, was strange as well as riotous, yet in
its strangeness dreamed innocence and purity, and in its very riot flamed that
spirit which is divine.
For he found himself at
length beside her once again; breathless and panting, her sweet brown limbs
aglow from the excitement of escape denied; eyes shining like a blaze of stars,
and pulses beating with tumultuous life—helpless and yielding against the
strength that pinned her down between the roots. His eyes put mastery on her
own. She looked up into his face, obedient, happy, soft with love, surrendered
with the same delicious abandon that had swept her for a moment into other
arms. “You caught me in the end,” she sighed. “I only played awhile.”
“I hold you for ever,”
he replied, half wondering at the rough power in his voice.
It was here the hush of
worship stole upon her little face, into her obedient eyes, about her parted
lips. She ceased her wilful struggling.
“Listen!” she whispered.
“I hear a step upon the glades beyond. The iris and the lily open; the earth is
ready, waiting; we must be ready too! He is coming!”
He released her and
sprang up; the entire company rose too. All stood, all bowed the head. There
was an instant’s subtle panic, but it was the panic of reverent awe that
preludes a descent of deity. For a wind passed through the branches with a
sound that is the oldest in the world and so the youngest. Above it there rose
the shrill, faint piping of a little reed. Only the first, true sounds were
audible—wind and water—the tinkling of the dewdrops as they fell, the murmur of
the trees against the air. This was the piping that they heard. And in the hush
the stars bent down to hear, the riot paused, the orgy passed and died. The
figures waited, kneeling then with one accord. They listened with—the Earth.
“He comes. ... He comes
...” the valley breathed about them.
There was a footfall
from far away, treading across a world unruined and unstained. It fell with the
wind and water, sweetening the valley into life as it approached. Across the
rivers and forests it came gently, tenderly, but swiftly and with a power that
knew majesty.
“He comes. ... He
comes ...!” rose with the murmur of the wind and water from the host of lowered
heads.
The footfall came
nearer, treading a world grown soft with worship. It reached the grove. It
entered. There was a sense of intolerable loveliness, of brimming life, of
rapture. The thousand faces lifted like a cloud. They heard the piping close.
And so He came.
But He came with
blessing. With the stupendous Presence there was joy, the joy of abundant,
natural life, pure as the sunlight and the wind. He passed among them. There
was great movement—as of a forest shaking, as of deep water falling, as of a
cornfield swaying to the wind, yet gentle as of a harebell shedding its burden of dew that it has held too long because of
love. He passed among them, touching every head. The great hand swept with
tenderness each face, lingered a moment on each beating heart. There was
sweetness, peace, and loveliness; but above all, there was—life. He sanctioned
every natural joy in them and blessed each passion with his power of
creation. ... Yet each one saw him differently: some as a wife or maiden
desired with fire, some as a youth or stalwart husband, others as a figure
veiled with stars or cloaked in luminous mist, hardly attainable; others,
again—the fewest these, not more than two or three—as that mysterious wonder
which tempts the heart away from known familiar sweetness into a wilderness of
undecipherable magic without flesh and blood. ...
To two, in particular,
He came so near that they could feel his breath of hills and fields upon their
eyes. He touched them with both mighty hands. He stroked the marble breasts, He
felt the little hidden horns ... and, as they bent lower so that their lips met
together for an instant, He took her arms and twined them about the curved,
brown neck that she might hold him closer still. ...
Again a footfall sounded
far away upon an unruined world ... and He was gone—back into the wind and
water whence He came. The thousand faces lifted; all stood up; the hush of
worship still among them. There was a quiet as of the dawn. The piping floated
over woods and fields, fading into silence. All looked at one another. ... And
then once more the laughter and the play broke loose.
4
“We’ll go,” she cried,
“and peep upon that other world where life hangs like a prison on their eyes!”
And, in a moment, they were across the soaking grass, the lawn and flower-beds,
and close to the walls of the heavy mansion. He peered in through a
window, lifting her up to peer in with him. He recognised the world to which
outwardly he belonged; he understood; a little gasp escaped him; and a slight
shiver ran down the girl’s body into his own. She turned her eyes away. “See,”
she murmured in his ear, “it’s ugly, it’s not natural. They feel guilty and
ashamed. There is no innocence!” She saw the men; it was the women that he saw
chiefly.
Lolling ungracefully,
with a kind of boldness that asserted independence, the women smoked their
cigarettes with an air of invitation they sought to conceal and yet showed
plainly. He saw his familiar world in nakedness. Their backs were bare, for all
the elaborate clothes they wore; they hung their breasts uncleanly; in their
eyes shone light that had never known the open sun. Hoping they were alluring
and desirable, they feigned a guilty ignorance of that hope. They all
pretended. Instead of wind and dew upon their hair, he saw flowers grown
artificially to ape wild beauty, tresses without lustre borrowed from the slums
of city factories. He watched them manœuvring with the men; heard dark
sentences; caught gestures half delivered whose meaning should just convey that
glimpse of guilt they deemed to increase pleasure. The women were calculating,
but nowhere glad; the men experienced, but nowhere joyous. Pretended innocence
lay cloaked with a veil of something that whispered secretly, clandestine,
ashamed, yet with a brazen air that laid mockery instead of sunshine in their
smiles. Vice masqueraded in the ugly shape of pleasure; beauty was degraded into
calculated tricks. They were not natural. They knew not joy.
“The forward ones, the
civilised!” she laughed in his ear, tweaking his horns with energy. “We are
the backward!”
“Unclean,” he muttered,
recalling a catchword of the world he gazed upon.
They were the civilised!
They were refined and educated—advanced. Generations of careful breeding, mate
cautiously selecting mate, laid the polish of caste upon their hands and faces
where gleamed ridiculous, untaught jewels—rings, bracelets, necklaces hanging
absurdly from every possible angle.
“But—they are dressed
up—for fun,” he exclaimed, more to himself than to the girl in skins who clung
to his shoulders with her naked arms.
“Undressed!” she
answered, putting her brown hand in play across his eyes. “Only they have
forgotten even that!” And another shiver passed through her into him. He turned
and hid his face against the soft skins that touched his cheek. He kissed her
body. Seizing his horns, she pressed him to her, laughing happily.
“Look!” she whispered,
raising her head again; “they’re coming out.” And he saw that two of them, a
man and a girl, with an interchange of secret glances, had stolen from the room
and were already by the door of the conservatory that led into the garden. It
was his wife to be—and his distinguished cousin.
“Oh, Pan!” she cried in
mischief. The girl sprang from his arms and pointed. “We will follow them. We
will put natural life into their little veins!”
“Or panic terror,” he
answered, catching the yellow panther skin and following her swiftly round the
building. He kept in the shadow, though she ran full into the blaze of
moonlight. “But they can’t see us,” she called, looking over her shoulder a
moment. “They can only feel our presence, perhaps.” And, as she danced across
the lawn, it seemed a moonbeam slipped from a sapling birch tree that the wind
curved earthwards, then tossed back against the sky.
Keeping just ahead, they
led the pair, by methods known instinctively to elemental blood yet not
translatable—led them towards the little grove of waiting pines. The night wind
murmured in the branches; a bird woke into a sudden burst of song. These sounds
were plainly audible. But four little pointed ears caught other, wilder
notes behind the wind and music of the bird—the cries and ringing laughter, the
leaping footsteps and the happy singing of their merry kin within the wood.
And the throng paused
then amid the revels to watch the “civilised” draw near. They presently reached
the trees, halted, looked about them, hesitated a moment—then, with a hurried
movement as of shame and fear lest they be caught, entered the zone of shadow.
“Let’s go in here,” said
the man, without music in his voice. “It’s dry on the pine needles, and we
can’t be seen.” He led the way; she picked up her skirts and followed over the
strip of long wet grass. “Here’s a log all ready for us,” he added, sat down,
and drew her into his arms with a sigh of satisfaction. “Sit on my knee; it’s
warmer for your pretty figure.” He chuckled; evidently they were on familiar
terms, for though she hesitated, pretending to be coy, there was no real
resistance in her, and she allowed the ungraceful roughness. “But are we quite safe?
Are you sure?” she asked between his kisses.
“What does it matter,
even if we’re not?” he replied, establishing her more securely on his knees.
“But, as a matter of fact, we’re safer here than in my own house.” He kissed
her hungrily. “By Jove, Hermione, but you’re divine,” he cried passionately,
“divinely beautiful. I love you with every atom of my being—with my soul.”
“Yes, dear, I know—I
mean, I know you do, but——”
“But what?” he asked
impatiently.
“Those detectives——”
He laughed. Yet it
seemed to annoy him. “My wife is a beast, isn’t she?—to have me watched like
that,” he said quickly.
“They’re everywhere,”
she replied, a sudden hush in her tone. She looked at the encircling trees a
moment, then added bitterly: “I hate her, simply hate her.”
“I love you,” he cried,
crushing her to him, “that’s all that matters now. Don’t let’s waste time talking
about the rest.” She contrived to shudder, and hid her face against his coat,
while he showered kisses on her neck and hair.
And the solemn pine
trees watched them, the silvery moonlight fell on their faces, the scent of
new-mown hay went floating past.
“I love you with my very
soul,” he repeated with intense conviction. “I’d do anything, give up anything,
bear anything—just to give you a moment’s happiness. I swear it—before God!”
There was a faint sound
among the trees behind them, and the girl sat up, alert. She would have
scrambled to her feet, but that he held her tight.
“What the devil’s the
matter with you to-night?” he asked in a different tone, his vexation plainly
audible. “You’re as nervy as if you were being watched,
instead of me.”
She paused before she
answered, her finger on her lip. Then she said slowly, hushing her voice a
little:
“Watched! That’s exactly
what I did feel. I’ve felt it ever since we came into the wood.”
“Nonsense, Hermione.
It’s too many cigarettes.” He drew her back into his arms, forcing her head up
so that he could kiss her better.
“I suppose it is
nonsense,” she said, smiling. “It’s gone now, anyhow.”
He began admiring her
hair, her dress, her shoes, her pretty ankles, while she resisted in a way that
proved her practice. “It’s not me you love,” she pouted, yet
drinking in his praise. She listened to his repeated assurances that he loved
her with his “soul” and was prepared for any sacrifice.
“I feel so safe with
you,” she murmured, knowing the moves in the game as well as he did. She looked
up guiltily into his face, and he looked down with a passion that he thought
perhaps was joy.
“You’ll be married
before the summer’s out,” he said, “and all the thrill and excitement will be
over. Poor Hermione!” She lay back in his arms, drawing his face down with both
hands, and kissing him on the lips. “You’ll have more of him than you can do
with—eh? As much as you care about, anyhow.”
“I shall be much more
free,” she whispered. “Things will be easier. And I’ve got to marry some one——”
She broke off with
another start. There was a sound again behind them. The man heard nothing. The
blood in his temples pulsed too loudly, doubtless.
“Well, what is it this
time?” he asked sharply.
She was peering into the
wood, where the patches of dark shadow and moonlit spaces made odd, irregular
patterns in the air. A low branch waved slightly in the wind.
“Did you hear that?” she
asked nervously.
“Wind,” he replied,
annoyed that her change of mood disturbed his pleasure.
“But something moved——”
“Only a branch. We’re
quite alone, quite safe, I tell you,” and there was a rasping sound in his
voice as he said it. “Don’t be so imaginative. I can take care of you.”
She sprang up. The
moonlight caught her figure, revealing its exquisite young curves beneath the
smother of the costly clothing. Her hair had dropped a little in the struggle.
The man eyed her eagerly, making a quick, impatient gesture towards her, then
stopped abruptly. He saw the terror in her eyes.
“Oh, hark! What’s that?”
she whispered in a startled voice. She put her finger up. “Oh, let’s go back. I
don’t like this wood. I’m frightened.”
“Rubbish,” he said, and
tried to catch her by the waist.
“It’s safer in the
house—my room—or yours——” She broke off again. “There it is—don’t you hear?
It’s a footstep!” Her face was whiter than the moon.
“I tell you it’s the
wind in the branches,” he repeated gruffly. “Oh, come on, do. We
were just getting jolly together. There’s nothing to be afraid of. Can’t you
believe me?” He tried to pull her down upon his knee again with force. His face
wore an unpleasant expression that was half leer, half grin.
But the girl stood away
from him. She continued to peer nervously about her. She listened.
“You give me the
creeps,” he exclaimed crossly, clawing at her waist again with passionate
eagerness that now betrayed exasperation. His disappointment turned him coarse.
The girl made a quick
movement of escape, turning so as to look in every direction. She gave a little
scream.
“That was a
step. Oh, oh, it’s close beside us. I heard it. We’re being watched!” she cried
in terror. She darted towards him, then shrank back. He did not try to touch
her this time.
“Moonshine!” he growled.
“You’ve spoilt my—spoilt our chance with your silly nerves.”
But she did not hear him
apparently. She stood there shivering as with sudden cold.
“There! I saw it again.
I’m sure of it. Something went past me through the air.”
And the man, still
thinking only of his own pleasure frustrated, got up heavily, something like
anger in his eyes. “All right,” he said testily; “if you’re going to make a
fuss, we’d better go. The house is safer, possibly, as you
say. You know my room. Come along!” Even that risk he would not take. He loved
her with his “soul.”
They crept stealthily
out of the wood, the girl slightly in front of him, casting frightened backward
glances. Afraid, guilty, ashamed, with an air as though they had been
detected, they stole back towards the garden and the house, and disappeared
from view.
And a wind rose suddenly
with a rushing sound, poured through the wood as though to cleanse it, swept
out the artificial scent and trace of shame, and brought back again the song,
the laughter, and the happy revels. It roared across the park, it shook the
windows of the house, then sank away as quickly as it came. The trees stood
motionless again, guarding their secret in the clean, sweet moonlight that held
the world in dream until the dawn stole up and sunshine took the earth with
joy.
III.THE WINGS OF HORUS
Binovitch had the bird in him somewhere: in his
features, certainly, with his piercing eye and hawk-like nose; in his
movements, with his quick way of flitting, hopping, darting; in the way he
perched on the edge of a chair; in the manner he pecked at his food; in his twittering,
high-pitched voice as well; and, above all, in his mind. He skimmed all
subjects and picked their heart out neatly, as a bird skims lawn or air to
snatch its prey. He had the bird’s-eye view of everything. He loved birds and
understood them instinctively; could imitate their whistling notes with
astonishing accuracy. Their one quality he had not was poise and balance. He
was a nervous little man; he was neurasthenic. And he was in Egypt by doctor’s
orders.
Such imaginative,
unnecessary ideas he had! Such uncommon beliefs!
“The old Egyptians,” he
said laughingly, yet with a touch of solemn conviction in his manner, “were a
great people. Their consciousness was different from ours. The bird idea, for
instance, conveyed a sense of deity to them—of bird deity, that is: they had
sacred birds—hawks, ibis, and so forth—and worshipped them.” And he put his
tongue out as though to say with challenge, “Ha, ha!”
“They also worshipped
cats and crocodiles and cows,” grinned Palazov. Binovitch seemed to dart across
the table at his adversary. His eyes flashed; his nose pecked the air. Almost
one could imagine the beating of his angry wings.
“Because everything
alive,” he half screamed, “was a symbol of some spiritual power to them. Your
mind is as literal as a dictionary and as incoherent. Pages of ink without
connected meaning! Verb always in the infinitive! If you were an old Egyptian,
you—you”—he flashed and spluttered, his tongue shot out again, his keen eyes
blazed—“you might take all those words and spin them into a great
interpretation of life, a cosmic romance, as they did. Instead, you get the
bitter, dead taste of ink in your mouth, and spit it over us like that”—he made
a quick movement of his whole body as a bird that shakes itself—“in empty
phrases.”
Khilkoff ordered another
bottle of champagne, while Vera, his sister, said half nervously, “Let’s go for
a drive; it’s moonlight.” There was enthusiasm at once. Another of the party
called the head waiter and told him to pack food and drink in baskets. It was
only eleven o’clock. They would drive out into the desert, have a meal at two
in the morning, tell stories, sing, and see the dawn.
It was in one of those
cosmopolitan hotels in Egypt which attract the ordinary tourists as well as
those who are doing a “cure,” and all these Russians were ill with one thing or
another. All were ordered out for their health, and all were the despair of
their doctors. They were as unmanageable as a bazaar and as incoherent. Excess
and bed were their routine. They lived, but none of them got better. Equally,
none of them got angry. They talked in this strange personal way without a
shred of malice or offence. The English, French, and Germans in the hotel
watched them with remote amazement, referring to them as “that Russian lot.”
Their energy was elemental. They never stopped. They merely disappeared when
the pace became too fast, then reappeared again after a day or two, and resumed
their “living” as before. Binovitch, despite his neurasthenia, was the life of
the party. He was also a special patient of Dr. Plitzinger, the famous
psychiatrist, who took a peculiar interest in his case. It was not surprising.
Binovitch was a man of unusual ability and of genuine, deep culture. But there
was something more about him that stimulated curiosity. There was this striking
originality. He said and did surprising things.
“I could fly if I wanted
to,” he said once when the airmen came to astonish the natives with their
biplanes over the desert, “but without all that machinery and noise. It’s only
a question of believing and understanding——”
“Show us!” they cried.
“Let’s see you fly!”
“He’s got it! He’s off
again! One of his impossible moments.”
These occasions when
Binovitch let himself go always proved wildly entertaining. He said monstrously
incredible things as though he really did believe them. They loved his madness,
for it gave them new sensations.
“It’s only levitation,
after all, this flying,” he exclaimed, shooting out his tongue between the
words, as his habit was when excited; “and what is levitation but a power
of the air? None of you can hang an orange in space for a second, with all your
scientific knowledge; but the moon is always levitated perfectly. And the
stars. D’you think they swing on wires? What raised the enormous stones of
ancient Egypt? D’you really believe it was heaped-up sand and ropes and clumsy
leverage and all our weary and laborious mechanical contrivances? Bah! It was
levitation. It was the powers of the air. Believe in those powers, and gravity
becomes a mere nursery trick—true where it is, but true nowhere else. To know
the fourth dimension is to step out of a locked room and appear instantly on
the roof or in another country altogether. To know the powers of the air,
similarly, is to annihilate what you call weight—and fly.”
“Show us, show us!” they
cried, roaring with delighted laughter.
“It’s a question of
belief,” he repeated, his tongue appearing and disappearing like a pointed
shadow. “It’s in the heart; the power of the air gets into your whole being.
Why should I show you? Why should I ask my deity to persuade your scoffing
little minds by any miracle? For it is deity, I tell you, and nothing else.
I know it. Follow one idea like that, as I follow my bird
idea—follow it with the impetus and undeviating concentration of a
projectile—and you arrive at power. You know deity—the bird idea of deity, that
is. They knew that. The old Egyptians knew it.”
“Oh, show us, show us!”
they shouted impatiently, wearied of his nonsense-talk. “Get up and fly! Levitate
yourself, as they did! Become a star!”
Binovitch turned
suddenly very pale, and an odd light shone in his keen brown eyes. He rose
slowly from the edge of the chair where he was perched. Something about him
changed. There was silence instantly.
“I will show
you,” he said calmly, to their intense amazement; “not to convince your
disbelief, but to prove it to myself. For the powers of the air are with me
here. I believe. And Horus, great falcon-headed symbol, is my patron god.”
The suppressed energy in
his voice and manner was indescribable. There was a sense of lifting, upheaving
power about him. He raised his arms; his face turned upward; he inflated his
lungs with a deep, long breath, and his voice broke into a kind of singing cry,
half prayer, half chant:
“O Horus,
Bright-eyed deity of
wind,
[1]Feather my soul
Though earth’s thick
air,
To know thy awful
swiftness——”
[1] The Russian is untranslatable. The
phrase means, “Give my life wings.”
He broke off suddenly.
He climbed lightly and swiftly upon the nearest table—it was in a deserted
card-room, after a game in which he had lost more pounds than there are days in
the year—and leaped into the air. He hovered a second, spread his arms and legs
in space, appeared to float a moment, then buckled, rushed down and forward,
and dropped in a heap upon the floor, while every one roared with laughter.
But the laughter died
out quickly, for there was something in his wild performance that was peculiar
and unusual. It was uncanny, not quite natural. His body had seemed, as with
Mordkin and Nijinski, literally to hang upon the air a moment. For a second he
gave the distressing impression of overcoming gravity. There was a touch in it
of that faint horror which appals by its very vagueness. He picked himself up
unhurt, and his face was as grave as a portrait in the academy, but with a new
expression in it that everybody noticed with this strange, half-shocked
amazement. And it was this expression that extinguished the claps of laughter
as wind that takes away the sound of bells. Like many ugly men, he was an
inimitable actor, and his facial repertory was endless and incredible. But this
was neither acting nor clever manipulation of expressive features. There was
something in his curious Russian physiognomy that made the heart beat slower.
And that was why the laughter died away so suddenly.
“You ought to have flown
farther,” cried some one. It expressed what all had felt.
“Icarus didn’t drink
champagne,” another replied, with a laugh; but nobody laughed with him.
“You went too near to
Vera,” said Palazov, “and passion melted the wax.” But his face twitched oddly
as he said it. There was something he did not understand, and so heartily
disliked.
The strange expression
on the features deepened. It was arresting in a disagreeable, almost in a
horrible, way. The talk stopped dead; all stared; there was a feeling of
dismay in everybody’s heart, yet unexplained. Some lowered their eyes, or else
looked stupidly elsewhere; but the women of the party felt a kind of
fascination. Vera, in particular, could not move her sight away. The joking reference
to his passionate admiration for her passed unnoticed. There was a general and
individual sense of shock. And a chorus of whispers rose instantly:
“Look at Binovitch!
What’s happened to his face?”
“He’s changed—he’s
changing!”
“God! Why he looks like
a—bird!”
But no one laughed.
Instead, they chose the names of birds—hawk, eagle, even owl. The figure of a
man leaning against the edge of the door, watching them closely, they did not
notice. He had been passing down the corridor, had looked in unobserved, and
then had paused. He had seen the whole performance. He watched Binovitch
narrowly, now with calm, discerning eyes. It was Dr Plitzinger, the great
psychiatrist.
For Binovitch had picked
himself up from the floor in a way that was oddly self-possessed, and precluded
the least possibility of the ludicrous. He looked neither foolish nor abashed.
He looked surprised, but also he looked half angry and half frightened. As some
one had said, he “ought to have flown farther.” That was the incredible impression
his acrobatics had produced—incredible, yet somehow actual. This uncanny idea
prevailed, as at a séance where nothing genuine is expected to happen, and
something genuine, after all, does happen. There was no pretence in this:
Binovitch had flown.
And now he stood there,
white in the face—with terror and with anger white. He looked extraordinary,
this little, neurasthenic Russian, but he looked at the same time half
terrific. Another thing, not commonly experienced by men, was in him, breaking
out of him, affecting directly the minds of his
companions. His mouth opened; blood and fury shone in his blazing eyes; his
tongue shot out like an ant-eater’s, though even in that the comic had no
place. His arms were spread like flapping wings, and his voice rose dreadfully:
“He failed me, he failed
me!” he tried to bellow. “Horus, my falcon-headed deity, my power of the air,
deserted me! Hell take him! Hell burn his wings and blast his piercing sight!
Hell scorch him into dust for his false prophecies! I curse him—I curse Horus!”
The voice that should
have roared across the silent room emitted, instead, this high-pitched,
bird-like scream. The added touch of sound, the reality it lent, was ghastly.
Yet it was marvellously done and acted. The entire thing was a bit of
instantaneous inspiration—his voice, his words, his gestures, his whole wild
appearance. Only—here was the reality that caused the sense of shock—the
expression on his altered features was genuine. That was not
assumed. There was something new and alien in him, something cold and difficult
to human life, something alert and swift and cruel, of another element than
earth. A strange, rapacious grandeur had leaped upon the struggling features.
The face looked hawk-like.
And he came forward
suddenly and sharply toward Vera, whose fixed, staring eyes had never once
ceased watching him with a kind of anxious and devouring pain in them. She was
both drawn and beaten back. Binovitch advanced on tiptoe. No doubt he still was
acting, still pretending this mad nonsense that he worshipped Horus, the
falcon-headed deity of forgotten days, and that Horus had failed him in his
hour of need; but somehow there was just a hint of too much reality in the way
he moved and looked. The girl, a little creature, with fluffy golden hair,
opened her lips; her cigarette fell to the floor; she shrank back; she looked
for a moment like some smaller, coloured bird trying to escape from a great
pursuing hawk; she screamed. Binovitch, his arms wide, his bird-like face
thrust forward, had swooped upon her. He leaped. Almost he caught her.
No one could say exactly
what happened. Play, become suddenly and unexpectedly too real, confuses the
emotions. The change of key was swift. From fun to terror is a dislocating jolt
upon the mind. Some one—it was Khilkoff, the brother—upset a chair; everybody
spoke at once; everybody stood up. An unaccountable feeling of disaster was in
the air, as with those drinkers’ quarrels that blaze out from nothing, and end
in a pistol-shot and death, no one able to explain clearly how it came about.
It was the silent, watching figure in the doorway who saved the situation.
Before any one had noticed his approach, there he was among the group,
laughing, talking, applauding—between Binovitch and Vera. He was vigorously
patting his patient on the back, and his voice rose easily above the general
clamour. He was a strong, quiet personality; even in his laughter there was
authority. And his laughter now was the only sound in the room, as though by
his mere presence peace and harmony were restored. Confidence came with him.
The noise subsided; Vera was in her chair again. Khilkoff poured out a glass of
wine for the great man.
“The Czar!” said
Plitzinger, sipping his champagne, while all stood up, delighted with his
compliment and tact. “And to your opening night with the Russian ballet,” he
added quickly a second toast, “or to your first performance at the Moscow
Théâtre des Arts!” Smiling significantly, he glanced at Binovitch; he clinked
glasses with him. Their arms were already linked, but it was Palazov who
noticed that the doctor’s fingers seemed rather tight upon the creased black
coat. All drank, looking with laughter, yet with a touch of respect, toward
Binovitch, who stood there dwarfed beside the stalwart Austrian, and suddenly
as meek and subdued as any mole. Apparently the abrupt change of key had taken
his mind successfully off something else.
“Of course—‘The
Fire-Bird,’” exclaimed the little man, mentioning the famous Russian ballet.
“The very thing!” he exclaimed. “For us,” he added, looking with
devouring eyes at Vera. He was greatly pleased. He began talking vociferously
about dancing and the rationale of dancing. They told him he was an
undiscovered master. He was delighted. He winked at Vera and touched her glass
again with his. “We’ll make our début together,” he cried. “We’ll begin at
Covent Garden, in London. I’ll design the dresses and the posters ‘The Hawk and
the Dove!’ Magnifique! I in dark grey, and you in blue and
gold! Ah, dancing, you know, is sacred. The little self is lost, absorbed. It
is ecstasy, it is divine. And dancing in air—the passion of the birds and
stars—ah! they are the movements of the gods. You know deity that way—by living
it.”
He went on and on. His
entire being had shifted with a leap upon this new subject. The idea of
realising divinity by dancing it absorbed him. The party discussed it with him
as though nothing else existed in the world, all sitting now and talking
eagerly together. Vera took the cigarette he offered her, lighting it from his
own; their fingers touched; he was as harmless and normal as a retired diplomat
in a drawing-room. But it was Plitzinger whose subtle manœuvring had
accomplished the change so cleverly, and it was Plitzinger who presently suggested
a game of billiards, and led him off, full now of a fresh enthusiasm for
cannons, balls, and pockets, into another room. They departed arm in arm,
laughing and talking together.
Their departure, it
seemed, made no great difference at first. Vera’s eyes watched him out of
sight, then turned to listen to Baron Minski, who was describing with gusto how
he caught wolves alive for coursing purposes. The speed and power of the wolf,
he said, was impossible to realise; the force of their awful leap, the strength
of their teeth, which could bite through metal stirrup-fastenings. He
showed a scar on his arm and another on his lip. He was telling truth, and
everybody listened with deep interest. The narrative lasted perhaps ten minutes
or more, when Minski abruptly stopped. He had come to an end; he looked about
him; he saw his glass, and emptied it. There was a general pause. Another
subject did not at once present itself. Sighs were heard; several fidgeted;
fresh cigarettes were lighted. But there was no sign of boredom, for where one
or two Russians are gathered together there is always life. They produce gaiety
and enthusiasm as wind produces waves. Like great children, they plunge
whole-heartedly into whatever interest presents itself at the moment. There is
a kind of uncouth gambolling in their way of taking life. It seems as if they
are always fighting that deep, underlying, national sadness which creeps into
their very blood.
“Midnight!” then
exclaimed Palazov, abruptly, looking at his watch; and the others fell
instantly to talking about that watch, admiring it and asking questions. For
the moment that very ordinary timepiece became the centre of observation.
Palazov mentioned the price. “It never stops,” he said proudly, “not even under
water.” He looked up at everybody, challenging admiration. And he told how, at
a country house, he made a bet that he would swim to a certain island in the
lake, and won the bet. He and a girl were the winners, but as it was a horse
they had bet, he got nothing out of it for himself, giving the horse to her. It
was a genuine grievance in him. One felt he could have cried as he spoke of it.
“But the watch went all the time,” he said delightedly, holding the gun-metal
object in his hand to show, “and I was twelve minutes in the water with my
clothes on.”
Yet this fragmentary
talk was nothing but pretence. The sound of clicking billiard-balls was audible
from the room at the end of the corridor. There was another pause. The pause,
however, was intentional. It was not vacuity of mind or absence of ideas
that caused it. There was another subject, an unfinished subject that each
member of the group was still considering. Only no one cared to begin about it
till at last, unable to resist the strain any longer, Palazov turned to Khilkoff,
who was saying he would take a “whisky-soda,” as the champagne was too sweet,
and whispered something beneath his breath; whereupon Khilkoff, forgetting his
drink, glanced at his sister, shrugged his shoulders, and made a curious
grimace. “He’s all right now”—his reply was just audible—“he’s with
Plitzinger.” He cocked his head sidewise to indicate that the clicking of the
billiard-balls still was going on.
The subject was out: all
turned their heads; voices hummed and buzzed; questions were asked and answered
or half answered; eyebrows were raised, shoulders shrugged, hands spread out
expressively. There came into the atmosphere a feeling of presentiment, of
mystery, of things half understood; primitive, buried instinct stirred a
little, the kind of racial dread of vague emotions that might gain the upper
hand if encouraged. They shrank from looking something in the face, while yet
this unwelcome influence drew closer round them all. They discussed Binovitch
and his astonishing performance. Pretty little Vera listened with large and
troubled eyes, though saying nothing. The Arab waiter had put out the lights in
the corridor, and only a solitary cluster burned now above their heads, leaving
their faces in shadow. In the distance the clicking of the billiard-balls still
continued.
“It was not play; it was
real,” exclaimed Minski vehemently. “I can catch wolves,” he blurted; “but
birds—ugh!—and human birds!” He was half inarticulate. He had witnessed
something he could not understand, and it had touched instinctive terror in
him. “It was the way he leaped that put the wolf first into my mind, only it
was not a wolf at all.” The others agreed and disagreed. “It was play at
first, but it was reality at the end,” another whispered; “and it was no animal
he mimicked, but a bird, and a bird of prey at that!”
Vera thrilled. In the
Russian woman hides that touch of savagery which loves to be caught, mastered,
swept helplessly away, captured utterly and deliciously by the one strong
enough to do it thoroughly. She left her chair and sat down beside an older
woman in the party, who took her arm quietly at once. Her little face wore a
perplexed expression, mournful, yet somehow wild. It was clear that Binovitch
was not indifferent to her.
“It’s become an idée
fixe with him,” this older woman said. “The bird idea lives in his
mind. He lives it in his imagination. Ever since that time at Edfu, when he
pretended to worship the great stone falcons outside the temple—the Horus
figures—he’s been full of it.” She stopped. The way Binovitch had behaved at
Edfu was better left unmentioned at the moment, perhaps. A slight shiver ran
round the listening group, each one waiting for some one else to focus their
emotion, and so explain it by saying the convincing thing. Only no one
ventured. Then Vera abruptly gave a little jump.
“Hark!” she exclaimed,
in a staccato whisper, speaking for the first time. She sat bolt upright. She
was listening. “Hark!” she repeated. “There it is again, but nearer than
before. It’s coming closer. I hear it.” She trembled. Her voice, her manner,
above all her great staring eyes, startled everybody. No one spoke for several
seconds; all listened. The clicking of the billiard-balls had ceased. The halls
and corridors lay in darkness, and gloom was over the big hotel. Everybody was
in bed.
“Hear what?” asked the
older woman soothingly, yet with a perceptible quaver in her voice, too. She
was aware that the girl’s arm shook upon her own.
“Do you not hear it,
too?” the girl whispered.
All listened without speaking.
All watched her paling face. Something wonderful, yet half terrible,
seemed in the air about them. There was a dull murmur, audible, faint, remote,
its direction hard to tell. It had come suddenly from nowhere. They shivered.
That strange racial thrill again passed into the group, unwelcome, unexplained.
It was aboriginal; it belonged to the unconscious primitive mind, half
childish, half terrifying.
“What do you
hear?” her brother asked angrily—the irritable anger of nervous fear.
“When he came at me,”
she answered very low, “I heard it first. I hear it now again. Listen! He’s
coming.”
And at that minute, out
of the dark mouth of the corridor, emerged two human figures, Plitzinger and
Binovitch. Their game was over: they were going up to bed. They passed the open
door of the card-room. But Binovitch was being half dragged, half restrained,
for he was apparently attempting to run down the passage with flying, dancing
leaps. He bounded. It was like a huge bird trying to rise for flight, while his
companion kept him down by force upon the earth. As they entered the strip of
light, Plitzinger changed his own position, placing himself swiftly between his
companion and the group in the dark corner of the room. He hurried Binovitch
along as though he sheltered him from view. They passed into the shadows down
the passage. They disappeared. And every one looked significantly,
questioningly, at his neighbour, though at first saying no word. It seemed that
a curious disturbance of the air had followed them audibly.
Vera was the first to
open her lips. “You heard it then,” she said breathlessly, her face
whiter than the ceiling.
“Damn!” exclaimed her
brother furiously. “It was wind against the outside walls—wind in the
desert. The sand is driving.”
Vera looked at him. She
shrank closer against the side of the older woman, whose arm was tight about
her.
“It was not wind,”
she whispered simply. She paused. All waited uneasily for the completion of her
sentence. They stared into her face like peasants who expected a miracle.
“Wings,” she whispered.
“It was the sound of enormous wings.”
000
And at four o’clock in
the morning, when they all returned exhausted from their excursion into the
desert, little Binovitch was sleeping soundly and peacefully in his bed. They
passed his door on tiptoe. But he did not hear them. He was dreaming. His
spirit was at Edfu, experiencing with that ancient deity who was master of all
flying life those strange enjoyments upon which his own troubled human heart
was passionately set. Safe with that mighty falcon whose powers his lips had
scorned a few hours before, his soul, released in vivid dream, went sweetly
flying. It was amazing, it was gorgeous. He skimmed the Nile at lightning
speed. Dashing down headlong from the height of the great Pyramid, he chased
with faultless accuracy a little dove that sought vainly to hide from his
terrific pursuit beneath the palm trees. For what he loved must worship where
he worshipped, and the majesty of those tremendous effigies had fired his imagination
to the creative point where expression was imperative.
Then suddenly, at the
very moment of delicious capture, the dream turned horrible, becoming awful
with the nightmare touch. The sky lost all its blue and sunshine. Far, far
below him the little dove enticed him into nameless depths, so that he flew
faster and faster, yet never fast enough to overtake it. Behind him came a
great thing down the air, black, hovering, with gigantic wings outstretched. It
had terrific eyes, and the beating of its feathers stole his wind away. It
followed him, crowding space. He was aware of a colossal beak, curved like
a scimitar and pointed wickedly like a tooth of iron. He dropped. He faltered.
He tried to scream.
Through empty space he
fell, caught by the neck. The huge spectral falcon was upon him. The talons
were in his heart. And in sleep he remembered then that he had cursed. He
recalled his reckless language. The curse of the ignorant is meaningless; that
of the worshipper is real. This attack was on his soul. He had invoked it. He
realised next, with a touch of ghastly horror, that the dove he chased was,
after all, the bait that had lured him purposely to destruction, and awoke with
a suffocating terror upon him, and his entire body bathed in icy perspiration.
Outside the open window he heard a sound of wings retreating with powerful
strokes into the surrounding darkness of the sky.
The nightmare made its
impression upon Binovitch’s impressionable and dramatic temperament. It
aggravated his tendencies. He related it next day to Mme. de Drühn, the friend
of Vera, telling it with that somewhat boisterous laughter some minds use to
disguise less kind emotions. But he received no encouragement. The mood of the
previous night was not recoverable; it was already ancient history. Russians
never make the banal mistake of repeating a sensation till it is exhausted;
they hurry on to novelties. Life flashes and rushes with them, never standing
still for exposure before the cameras of their minds. Mme. de Drühn, however, took
the trouble to mention the matter to Plitzinger, for Plitzinger, like Freud of
Vienna, held that dreams revealed subconscious tendencies which sooner or later
must betray themselves in action.
“Thank you for telling
me,” he smiled politely, “but I have already heard it from him.” He watched her
eyes for a moment, really examining her soul. “Binovitch, you see,” he
continued, apparently satisfied with what he saw, “I regard as that rare
phenomenon—a genius without an outlet. His spirit, intensely creative, finds no
adequate expression. His power of production is enormous and prolific; yet he
accomplishes nothing.” He paused an instant. “Binovitch, therefore, is in
danger of poisoning—himself.” He looked steadily into her face, as a man who
weighs how much he may confide. “Now,” he continued, “if we can
find an outlet for him, a field wherein his bursting imaginative genius can
produce results—above all, visible results”—he shrugged his
shoulders—“the man is saved. Otherwise”—he looked extraordinarily impressive—“there
is bound to be sooner or later——”
“Madness?” she asked
very quietly.
“An explosion, let us
say,” he replied gravely. “For instance, take this Horus obsession of his,
quite wrong archæologically though it is. Au fond it is
megalomania of a most unusual kind. His passionate interest, his love, his
worship of birds, wholesome enough in itself, finds no satisfying outlet. A man
who really loves birds neither keeps them in cages nor shoots
them nor stuffs them. What, then, can he do? The commonplace bird-lover
observes them through glasses, studies their habits, then writes a book about
them. But a man like Binovitch, overflowing with this intense creative power of
mind and imagination, is not content with that. He wants to know them from
within. He wants to feel what they feel, to live their life. He wants to become them.
You follow me? Not quite. Well, he seeks to be identified with the object of
his sacred, passionate adoration. All genius seeks to know the thing itself
from its own point of view. It desires union. That tendency, unrecognised by
himself, perhaps, and therefore subconscious, hides in his very soul.” He
paused a moment. “And the sudden sight of those majestic figures at
Edfu—that crystallisation of his idée fixe in granite—took
hold of this excess in him, so to speak—and is now focusing it toward some
definite act. Binovitch sometimes—feels himself a bird! You noticed what
occurred last night?”
She nodded; a slight
shiver passed over her.
“A most curious
performance,” she murmured; “an exhibition I never want to see again.”
“The most curious part,”
replied the doctor coolly, “was its truth.”
“Its truth!” she
exclaimed beneath her breath. She was frightened by something in his voice and
by the uncommon gravity in his eyes. It seemed to arrest her intelligence. She
felt upon the edge of things beyond her. “You mean that Binovitch did for a
moment—hang—in the air?” The other verb, the right one, she could not bring
herself to use.
The great man’s face was
enigmatical. He talked to her sympathy, perhaps, rather than to her mind.
“Real genius,” he said
smilingly, “is as rare as talent, even great talent, is common. It means that
the personality, if only for one second, becomes everything; becomes the
universe; becomes the soul of the world. It gets the flash. It is identified
with the universal life. Being everything and everywhere, all is possible to
it—in that second of vivid realisation. It can brood with the crystal, grow
with the plant, leap with the animal, fly with the bird: genius unifies all
three. That is the meaning of ‘creative.’ It is faith. Knowing it, you can pass
through fire and not be burned, walk on water and not sink, move a mountain,
fly. Because you are fire, water, earth, air. Genius, you see,
is madness in the magnificent sense of being superhuman. Binovitch has it.”
He broke off abruptly,
seeing he was not understood. Some great enthusiasm in him he deliberately
suppressed.
“The point is,” he
resumed, speaking more carefully, “that we must try to lead this passionate
constructive genius of the man into some human channel that will absorb it, and
therefore render it harmless.”
“He loves Vera,” the
woman said, bewildered, yet seizing this point correctly.
“But would he marry
her?” asked Plitzinger at once.
“He is already married.”
The doctor looked
steadily at her a moment, hesitating whether he should utter all his thought.
“In that case,” he said
slowly after a pause, “it is better he or she should leave.”
His tone and manner were
exceedingly impressive.
“You mean there’s
danger?” she asked.
“I mean, rather,” he
replied earnestly, “that this great creative flood in him, so curiously focused
now upon his Horus-falcon-bird idea, may result in some act of violence——”
“Which would be
madness,” she said, looking hard at him.
“Which would be
disastrous,” he corrected her. And then he added slowly: “Because in the mental
moment of immense creation he might overlook material laws.”
000
The costume ball two
nights later was a great success. Palazov was a Bedouin, and Khilkoff an
Apache; Mme. de Drühn wore a national head-dress; Minski looked almost natural
as Don Quixote; and the entire Russian “set” was cleverly, if somewhat
extravagantly, dressed. But Binovitch and Vera were the most successful of all
the two hundred dancers who took part. Another figure, a big man dressed as a
Pierrot, also claimed exceptional attention, for though the costume was
commonplace enough, there was something of dignity in his appearance that drew
the eyes of all upon him. But he wore a mask, and his identity was not
discoverable.
It was Binovitch and
Vera, however, who must have won the prize, if prize there had been, for they
not only looked their parts, but acted them as well. The former in his dark
grey feather tunic, and his falcon mask, complete even to the brown hooked beak
and tufted talons, looked fierce and splendid. The disguise was so
admirable, yet so entirely natural, that it was uncommonly seductive. Vera, in
blue and gold, a charming head-dress of a dove upon her loosened hair, and a
pair of little dove-pale wings fluttering from her shoulders, her tiny
twinkling feet and slender ankles well visible, too, was equally successful and
admired. Her large and timid eyes, her flitting movements, her light and dainty
way of dancing—all added touches that made the picture perfect.
How Binovitch contrived
his dress remained a mystery, for the layers of wings upon his back were real;
the large black kites that haunt the Nile, soaring in their hundreds over Cairo
and the bleak Mokattam Hills, had furnished them. He had procured them none
knew how. They measured four feet across from tip to tip; they swished and
rustled as he swept along; they were true falcons’ wings. He danced with
Nautch-girls and Egyptian princesses and Rumanian Gipsies; he danced well, with
beauty, grace, and lightness. But with Vera he did not dance at all; with her
he simply flew. A kind of passionate abandon was in him as he skimmed the floor
with her in a way that made everybody turn to watch them. They seemed to leave
the ground together. It was delightful, an amazing sight; but it was peculiar.
The strangeness of it was on many lips. Somehow its queer extravagance
communicated itself to the entire ball-room. They became the centre of
observation. There were whispers.
“There’s that
extraordinary bird-man! Look! He goes by like a hawk. And he’s always after
that dove-girl. How marvellously he does it! It’s rather awful. Who is he? I
don’t envy her.”
People stood aside when
he rushed past. They got out of his way. He seemed forever pursuing Vera, even
when dancing with another partner. Word passed from mouth to mouth. A kind of
telepathic interest was established everywhere. It was a shade too real
sometimes, something unduly earnest in the chasing wildness, something unpleasant.
There was even alarm.
“It’s rowdy; I’d rather
not see it; it’s quite disgraceful,” was heard. “I think it’s
horrible; you can see she’s terrified.”
And once there was a
little scene, trivial enough, yet betraying this reality that many noticed and
disliked. Binovitch came up to claim a dance, programme clutched in his great
tufted claws, and at the same moment the big Pierrot appeared abruptly round
the corner with a similar claim. Those who saw it assert he had been waiting,
and came on purpose, and that there was something protective and authoritative
in his bearing. The misunderstanding was ordinary enough—both men had written
her name against the dance—but “No. 13, Tango” also included the supper
interval, and neither Hawk nor Pierrot would give way. They were very
obstinate. Both men wanted her. It was awkward.
“The Dove shall decide
between us,” smiled the Hawk politely, yet his taloned fingers working
nervously. Pierrot, however, more experienced in the ways of dealing with
women, or more bold, said suavely:
“I am ready to abide by
her decision”—his voice poorly cloaked this aggravating authority, as though he
had the right to her—“only I engaged this dance before his Majesty Horus
appeared upon the scene at all, and therefore it is clear that Pierrot has the
right of way.”
At once, with a
masterful air, he took her off. There was no withstanding him. He meant to have
her and he got her. She yielded meekly. They vanished among the maze of
coloured dancers, leaving the Hawk, disconsolate and vanquished, amid the
titters of the onlookers. His swiftness, as against this steady power, was of
no avail.
It was then that the
singular phenomenon was witnessed first. Those who saw it affirm that he
changed absolutely into the part he played. It was dreadful; it was
wicked. A frightened whisper ran about the rooms and corridors:
“An extraordinary thing
is in the air!”
Some shrank away, while
others flocked to see. There were those who swore that a curious, rushing sound
was audible, the atmosphere visibly disturbed and shaken; that a shadow fell
upon the spot the couple had vacated; that a cry was heard, a high, wild,
searching cry: “Horus! bright deity of wind,” it began, then died away. One man
was positive that the windows had been opened and that something had flown in.
It was the obvious explanation. The thing spread horribly. As in a fire-panic,
there was consternation and excitement. Confusion caught the feet of all the
dancers. The music fumbled and lost time. The leading pair of tango dancers halted
and looked round. It seemed that everybody pressed back, hiding, shuffling,
eager to see, yet more eager not to be seen, as though something dangerous,
hostile, terrible, had broken loose. In rows against the wall they stood. For a
great space had made itself in the middle of the ball-room, and into this empty
space appeared suddenly the Pierrot and the Dove.
It was like a challenge.
A sound of applause, half voices, half clapping of gloved hands, was heard. The
couple danced exquisitely into the arena. All stared. There was an impression
that a set piece had been prepared, and that this was its beginning. The music
again took heart. Pierrot was strong and dignified, no whit nonplussed by this
abrupt publicity. The Dove, though faltering, was deliciously obedient. They
danced together like a single outline. She was captured utterly. And to the man
who needed her the sight was naturally agonizing—the protective way the Pierrot
held her, the right and strength of it, the mastery, the complete possession.
“He’s got her!” some one
breathed too loud, uttering the thought of all. “Good thing it’s not the
Hawk!”
And, to the absolute
amazement of the throng, this sight was then apparent. A figure dropped through
space. That high, shrill cry again was heard:
“Feather my soul ... to
know thy awful swiftness!”
Its singing loveliness
touched the heart, its appealing, passionate sweetness was marvellous, as from
the gallery this figure of a man, dressed as a strong, dark bird, shot down
with splendid grace and ease. The feathers swept; the swings spread out as
sails that take the wind. Like a hawk that darts with unerring power and aim
upon its prey, this thing of mighty wings rushed down into the empty space
where the two danced. Observed by all, he entered, swooping beautifully,
stretching his wings like any eagle. He dropped. He fixed his point of landing
with consummate skill close beside the astonished dancers. He landed.
It happened with such
swiftness it brought the dazzle and blindness as when lightning strikes. People
in different parts of the room saw different details; a few saw nothing at all
after the first startling shock, closing their eyes, or holding their arms
before their faces as in self-protection. The touch of panic fear caught the
entire room. The nameless thing that all the evening had been vaguely felt was
come. It had suddenly materialised.
For this incredible
thing occurred in the full blaze of light upon the open floor. Binovitch, grown
in some sense formidable, opened his dark, big wings about the girl. The long
grey feathers moved, causing powerful draughts of wind that made a rushing
sound. An aspect of the terrible was about him, like an emanation. The great
beaked head was poised to strike, the tufted claws were raised like fingers that
shut and opened, and the whole presentment of his amazing figure focused in an
attitude of attack that was magnificent and terrible. No one who saw it
doubted. Yet there were those who swore that it was not Binovitch at all, but
that another outline, monstrous and shadowy, towered above him, draping
his lesser proportions with two colossal wings of darkness. That some touch of
strange divinity lay in it may be claimed, however confused the wild
descriptions afterward. For many lowered their heads and bowed their shoulders.
There was terror. There was also awe. The onlookers swayed as though some power
passed over them through the air.
A sound of wings was
certainly in the room.
Then some one screamed;
a shriek broke high and clear; and emotion, ordinary human emotion,
unaccustomed to terrific things, swept loose. The Hawk and Vera flew. Beaten
back against the wall as by a stroke of whirlwind, the Pierrot staggered. He
watched them go. Out of the lighted room they flew, out of the crowded human
atmosphere, out of the heat and artificial light, the walled-in, airless halls
that were a cage. All this they left behind. They seemed things of wind and
air, made free happily of another element. Earth held them not. Toward the open
night they raced with this extraordinary lightness as of birds, down the long
corridor and on to the southern terrace, where great coloured curtains were
hung suspended from the columns. A moment they were visible. Then the fringe of
one huge curtain, lifted by the wind, showed their dark outline for a second
against the starry sky. There was a cry, a leap. The curtain flapped again and
closed. They vanished. And into the ball-room swept the cold draught of night
air from the desert.
But three figures
instantly were close upon their heels. The throng of half-dazed, half-stupefied
onlookers, it seemed, projected them as though by some explosive force. The
general mass held back, but, like projectiles, these three flung themselves
after the fugitives down the corridor at high speed—the Apache, Don Quixote,
and, last of them, the Pierrot. For Khilkoff, the brother, and Baron Minski,
the man who caught wolves alive, had been for some time keenly on the
watch, while Dr. Plitzinger, reading the symptoms clearly, never far away, had
been faithfully observant of every movement. His mask tossed aside, the great
psychiatrist was now recognised by all. They reached the parapet just as the
curtain flapped back heavily into place; the next second all three were out of
sight behind it. Khilkoff was first, however, urged forward at frantic speed by
the warning words the doctor had whispered as they ran. Some thirty yards
beyond the terrace was the brink of the crumbling cliff on which the great
hotel was built, and there was a drop of sixty feet to the desert floor below.
Only a low stone wall marked the edge.
Accounts varied.
Khilkoff, it seems, arrived in time—in the nick of time—to seize his sister,
virtually hovering on the brink. He heard the loose stones strike the sand
below. There was no struggle, though it appears she did not thank him for his
interference at first. In a sense she was beside—outside—herself. And he did a
characteristic thing: he not only brought her back into the ball-room, but
he danced her back. It was admirable. Nothing could have
calmed the general excitement better. The pair of them danced in together as
though nothing was amiss. Accustomed to the strenuous practice of his Cossack
regiment, this young cavalry officer’s muscles were equal to the semi-dead
weight in his arms. At most the onlookers thought her tired, perhaps.
Confidence was restored—such is the psychology of a crowd—and in the middle of
a thrilling Viennese waltz he easily smuggled her out of the room, administered
brandy, and got her up to bed. The absence of the Hawk, meanwhile, was hardly
noticed; comments were made and then forgotten; it was Vera in whom the
strange, anxious sympathy had centred. And, with her obvious safety, the moment
of primitive, childish panic passed away. Don Quixote, too, was presently seen
dancing gaily as though nothing untoward had happened; supper intervened; the incident
was over; it had melted into the general wildness of the evening’s
irresponsibility. The fact that Pierrot did not appear again was noticed by no
single person.
But Dr. Plitzinger was
otherwise engaged, his heart and mind and soul all deeply exercised. A
death-certificate is not always made out quite so simply as the public thinks.
That Binovitch had died of suffocation in his swift descent through merely sixty
feet of air was not conceivable; yet that his body lay so neatly placed upon
the desert after such a fall was stranger still. It was not crumpled, it was
not torn; no single bone was broken, no muscle wrenched; there was no bruise.
There was no indenture in the sand. The figure lay sidewise as though in sleep,
no sign of violence visible anywhere, the dark wings folded as a great bird
folds them when it creeps away to die in loneliness. Beneath the Horus mask the
face was smiling. It seemed he had floated into death upon the element he
loved. And only Vera had seen the enormous wings that, hovering invitingly
above the dark abyss, bore him so softly into another world. Plitzinger, that
is, saw them, too, but he said firmly that they belonged to the big black
falcons that haunt the Mokattam Hills and roost upon these ridges, close beside
the hotel, at night. Both he and Vera, however, agreed on one thing: the high,
sharp cry in the air above them, wild and plaintive, was certainly the black
kite’s cry—the note of the falcon that passionately seeks its mate. It was the
pause of a second, when she stood to listen, that made her rescue possible. A
moment later and she, too, would have flown to death with Binovitch.
IV.INITIATION
A
few years ago, on a
Black Sea steamer heading for the Caucasus, I fell into conversation with an
American. He mentioned that he was on his way to the Baku oilfields, and I
replied that I was going up into the mountains. He looked at me questioningly a
moment. “Your first trip?” he asked with interest. I said it was. A
conversation followed; it was continued the next day, and renewed the following
day, until we parted company at Batoum. I don’t know why he talked so freely to
me in particular. Normally, he was a taciturn, silent man. We had been fellow
travellers from Marseilles, but after Constantinople we had the boat pretty
much to ourselves. What struck me about him was his vehement, almost
passionate, love of natural beauty—in seas and woods and sky, but above all in
mountains. It was like a religion in him. His taciturn manner hid deep poetic
feeling.
And he told me it had
not always been so with him. A kind of friendship sprang up between us. He was
a New York business man—buying and selling exchange between banks—but was
English born. He had gone out thirty years before, and become naturalised. His
talk was exceedingly “American,” slangy, and almost Western. He said he had
roughed it in the West for a year or two first. But what he chiefly talked
about was mountains. He said it was in the mountains an unusual experience had
come to him that had opened his eyes to many things, but principally to the
beauty that was now everything to him, and to the—insignificance of death.
He knew the Caucasus
well where I was going. I think that was why he was interested in me and
my journey. “Up there,” he said, “you’ll feel things—and maybe find out things
you never knew before.”
“What kind of things?” I
asked.
“Why, for one,” he
replied with emotion and enthusiasm in his voice, “that living and dying ain’t
either of them of much account. That if you know Beauty, I mean, and Beauty is
in your life, you live on in it and with it for others—even when you’re dead.”
The conversation that
followed is too long to give here, but it led to his telling me the experience
in his own life that had opened his eyes to the truth of what he said. “Beauty
is imperishable,” he declared, “and if you live with it, why, you’re
imperishable too!”
The story, as he told it
verbally in his curious language, remains vividly in my memory. But he had
written it down, too, he said. And he gave me the written account, with the
remark that I was free to hand it on to others if I “felt that way.” He called
it “Initiation.” It runs as follows.
1
In my own family this
happened, for Arthur was my nephew. And a remote Alpine valley was the place.
It didn’t seem to me in the least suitable for such occurrences, except that it
was Catholic, and the “Church,” I understand—at least, scholars who ought to
know have told me so—has subtle Pagan origins incorporated unwittingly in its
observations of certain Saints’ Days, as well as in certain ceremonials. All
this kind of thing is Dutch to me, a form of poetry or superstition, for I am
interested chiefly in the buying and selling of exchange, with an office in New
York City, just off Wall Street, and only come to Europe now occasionally for a
holiday. I like to see the dear old musty cities, and go to the Opera, and take
a motor run through Shakespeare’s country or round the Lakes, get in touch
again with London and Paris at the Ritz Hotels—and then back again to the
greatest city on earth, where for years now I’ve been making a good thing out
of it. Repton and Cambridge, long since forgotten, had their uses. They were
all right enough at the time. But I’m now “on the make,” with a good fat
partnership, and have left all that truck behind me.
My half-brother,
however—he was my senior and got the cream of the family wholesale chemical
works—has stuck to the trade in the Old Country, and is making probably as much
as I am. He approved my taking the chance that offered, and is only sore now
because his son, Arthur, is on the stupid side. He agreed that finance suited
my temperament far better than drugs and chemicals, though he warned me that
all American finance was speculative and therefore dangerous. “Arthur is
getting on,” he said in his last letter, “and will some day take the director’s
place you would be in now had you cared to stay. But he’s a plodder, rather.”
That meant, I knew, that Arthur was a fool. Business, at any rate, was not
suited to his temperament. Five years ago, when I came home with a month’s
holiday to be used in working up connections in English banking circles, I saw
the boy. He was fifteen years of age at the time, a delicate youth, with an
artist’s dreams in his big blue eyes, if my memory goes for anything, but with
a tangle of yellow hair and features of classical beauty that would have made
half the young girls of my New York set in love with him, and a choice of heiresses
at his disposal when he wanted them.
I have a clear
recollection of my nephew then. He struck me as having grit and character, but
as being wrongly placed. He had his grandfather’s tastes. He ought to have
been, like him, a great scholar, a poet, an editor of marvellous old writings
in new editions. I couldn’t get much out of the boy, except that he “liked the
chemical business fairly,” and meant to please his father by “knowing it
thoroughly” so as to qualify later for his directorship. But I have never
forgotten the evening when I caught him in the hall, staring up at his
grandfather’s picture, with a kind of light about his face, and the big blue
eyes all rapt and tender (almost as if he had been crying) and replying, when I
asked him what was up: “That was worth living for. He brought
Beauty back into the world!”
“Yes,” I said, “I guess
that’s right enough. He did. But there was no money in it to speak of.”
The boy looked at me and
smiled. He twigged somehow or other that deep down in me, somewhere below the
money-making instinct, a poet, but a dumb poet, lay in hiding. “You know what I
mean,” he said. “It’s in you too.”
The picture was a
copy—my father had it made—of the presentation portrait given to Baliol, and
“the grandfather” was celebrated in his day for the translations he made of
Anacreon and Sappho, of Homer, too, if I remember rightly, as well as for a
number of classical studies and essays that he wrote. A lot of stuff like that
he did, and made a name at it too. His Lives of the Gods went
into six editions. They said—the big critics of his day—that he was “a poet who
wrote no poetry, yet lived it passionately in the spirit of old-world,
classical Beauty,” and I know he was a wonderful fellow in his way and made the
dons and schoolmasters all sit up. We’re proud of him all right. After
twenty-five years of successful “exchange” in New York City, I confess I am
unable to appreciate all that, feeling more in touch with the commercial and
financial spirit of the age, progress, development and the rest. But, still,
I’m not ashamed of the classical old boy, who seems to have been a good deal of
a Pagan, judging by the records we have kept. However, Arthur peering up at
that picture in the dusk, his eyes half moist with emotion, and his voice gone
positively shaky, is a thing I never have forgotten. He stimulated my curiosity
uncommonly. It stirred something deep down in me that I hardly cared to
acknowledge on Wall Street—something burning.
And the next time I saw
him was in the summer of 1910, when I came to Europe for a two months’ look
around—my wife at Newport with the children—and hearing that he was in
Switzerland, learning a bit of French to help him in the business, I made a
point of dropping in upon him just to see how he was shaping generally and what
new kinks his mind had taken on. There was something in Arthur I never could
quite forget. Whenever his face came into my mind I began to think. A kind of
longing came over me—a desire for Beauty, I guess, it was. It made me dream.
I found him at an
English tutor’s—a lively old dog, with a fondness for the cheap native wines,
and a financial interest in the tourist development of the village. The boys
learnt French in the mornings, possibly, but for the rest of the day were free
to amuse themselves exactly as they pleased and without a trace of
supervision—provided the parents footed the bills without demur.
This suited everybody
all round; and as long as the boys came home with an accent and a vocabulary,
all was well. For myself, having learned in New York to attend strictly to my
own business—exchange between different countries with a profit—I did not deem
it necessary to exchange letters and opinions with my brother—with no chance of
profit anywhere. But I got to know Arthur, and had a queer experience of my own
into the bargain. Oh, there was profit in it for me. I’m drawing big dividends
to this day on the investment.
I put up at the best
hotel in the village, a one-horse show, differing from the other inns only in
the prices charged for a lot of cheap decoration in the dining-room, and went
up to surprise my nephew with a call the first thing after dinner. The tutor’s
house stood some way back from the narrow street, among fields where there were
more flowers than grass, and backed by a forest of fine old timber that
stretched up several thousand feet to the snow. The snow at least was visible,
peeping out far overhead just where the dark line of forest stopped; but in
reality, I suppose, that was an effect of foreshortening, and whole valleys and
pastures intervened between the trees and the snow-fields. The sunset, long
since out of the valley, still shone on those white ridges, where the peaks
stuck up like the teeth of a gigantic saw. I guess it meant five or six hours’ good
climbing to get up to them—and nothing to do when you got there. Switzerland,
anyway, seemed a poor country, with its little bit of watch-making, sour wines,
and every square yard hanging upstairs at an angle of 60 degrees used for hay.
Picture postcards, chocolate and cheap tourists kept it going apparently, but I
dare say it was all right enough to learn French in—and cheap as Hoboken to
live in!
Arthur was out; I just
left a card and wrote on it that I would be very pleased if he cared to step
down to take luncheon with me at my hotel next day. Having nothing better to
do, I strolled homewards by way of the forest.
Now what came over me in
that bit of dark pine forest is more than I can quite explain, but I think it
must have been due to the height—the village was 4,000 feet above sea-level—and
the effect of the rarefied air upon my circulation. The nearest thing to it in
my experience is rye whisky, the queer touch of wildness, of self-confidence, a
kind of whooping rapture and the reckless sensation of being a tin god of sorts
that comes from a lot of alcohol—a memory, please understand, of years before,
when I thought it a grand thing to own the earth and paint the old town red. I
seemed to walk on air, and there was a smell about those trees that made me
suddenly—well, that took my mind clean out of its accustomed rut. It was just
too lovely and wonderful for me to describe it. I had got well into the forest
and lost my way a bit. The smell of an old-world garden wasn’t in it. It smelt to
me as if some one had just that minute turned out the earth all fresh and new.
There was moss and tannin, a hint of burning, something between smoke and
incense, say, and a fine clean odour of pitch-pine bark when the sun gets on it
after rain—and a flavour of the sea thrown in for luck. That was the first I
noticed, for I had never smelt anything half so good since my camping days on
the coast of Maine. And I stood still to enjoy it. I threw away my cigar for
fear of mixing things and spoiling it. “If that could be bottled,” I said to
myself, “it’d sell for two dollars a pint in every city in the Union!”
And it was just then,
while standing and breathing it in, that I got the queer feeling of some one
watching me. I kept quite still. Some one was moving near me. The sweat went
trickling down my back. A kind of childhood thrill got hold of me.
It was very dark. I was
not afraid exactly, but I was a stranger in these parts and knew nothing about
the habits of the mountain peasants. There might be tough customers lurking
around after dark on the chance of striking some guy of a tourist with money in
his pockets. Yet, somehow, that wasn’t the kind of feeling that came to me at
all, for, though I had a pocket Browning at my hip, the notion of getting at it
did not even occur to me. The sensation was new—a kind of lifting, exciting
sensation that made my heart swell out with exhilaration. There was happiness
in it. A cloud that weighed seemed to roll off my mind, same
as that light-hearted mood when the office door is locked and I’m off on a two
months’ holiday—with gaiety and irresponsibility at the back of it. It was
invigorating. I felt youth sweep over me.
I stood there, wondering
what on earth was coming on me, and half expecting that any moment some one
would come out of the darkness and show himself; and as I held my breath and
made no movement at all the queer sensation grew stronger. I believe I even
resisted a temptation to kick up my heels and dance, to let out a flying
shout as a man with liquor in him does. Instead of this, however, I just kept
dead still. The wood was black as ink all round me, too black to see the
tree-trunks separately, except far below where the village lights came up
twinkling between them, and the only way I kept the path was by the soft feel
of the pine-needles that were thicker than a Brussels carpet. But nothing
happened, and no one stirred. The idea that I was being watched remained, only
there was no sound anywhere except the roar of falling water that filled the
entire valley. Yet some one was very close to me in the darkness.
I can’t say how long I
might have stood there, but I guess it was the best part of ten minutes, and I
remember it struck me that I had run up against a pocket of extra-rarefied air
that had a lot of oxygen in it—oxygen or something similar—and that was the
cause of my elation. The idea was nonsense, I have no doubt; but for the moment
it half explained the thing to me. I realised it was all natural enough,
at any rate—and so moved on. It took a longish time to reach the edge of the
wood, and a footpath led me—oh, it was quite a walk, I tell you—into the
village street again. I was both glad and sorry to get there. I kept myself
busy thinking the whole thing over again. What caught me all of a heap was that
million-dollar sense of beauty, youth, and happiness. Never in my born days had
I felt anything to touch it. And it hadn’t cost a cent!
Well, I was sitting
there enjoying my smoke and trying to puzzle it all out, and the hall was
pretty full of people smoking and talking and reading papers, and so forth,
when all of a sudden I looked up and caught my breath with such a jerk that I
actually bit my tongue. There was grandfather in front of my chair! I looked
into his eyes. I saw him as clear and solid as the porter standing behind his
desk across the lounge, and it gave me a touch of cold all down the back that I
needn’t forget unless I want to. He was looking into my face, and he had a cap in
his hand, and he was speaking to me. It was my grandfather’s picture come to
life, only much thinner and younger and a kind of light in his eyes like fire.
“I beg your pardon, but
you are—Uncle Jim, aren’t you?”
And then, with another
jump of my nerves, I understood.
“You, Arthur! Well, I’m
jiggered. So it is. Take a chair, boy. I’m right glad you found me. Shake! Sit
down.” And I shook his hand and pushed a chair up for him. I was never so
surprised in my life. The last time I set eyes on him he was a boy. Now he was
a young man, and the very image of his ancestor.
He sat down, fingering
his cap. He wouldn’t have a drink and he wouldn’t smoke. “All right,” I said,
“let’s talk then. I’ve lots to tell you and I’ve lots to hear. How are you,
boy?”
He didn’t answer at
first. He eyed me up and down. He hesitated. He was as handsome as a young
Greek god.
“I say, Uncle Jim,” he
began presently, “it was you—just now—in the wood—wasn’t it?”
It made me start, that question put so quietly.
“I have just
come through that wood up there,” I answered, pointing in the direction as well
as I could remember, “if that’s what you mean. But why? You weren’t
there, were you?” It gave me a queer sort of feeling to hear him say it. What
in the name of heaven did he mean?
He sat back in his chair
with a sigh of relief.
“Oh, that’s all right
then,” he said, “if it was you. Did you see,” he asked
suddenly; “did you see—anything?”
“Not a thing,” I told
him honestly. “It was far too dark.” I laughed. I fancied I twigged his
meaning. But I was not the sort of uncle to come prying on him. Life must
be dull enough, I remembered, in this mountain village.
But he didn’t understand
my laugh. He didn’t mean what I meant.
And there came a pause
between us. I discovered that we were talking different lingoes. I leaned over
towards him.
“Look here, Arthur,” I
said in a lower voice, “what is it, and what do you mean? I’m all right, you
know, and you needn’t be afraid of telling me. What d’you mean by—did I see
anything?”
We looked each other
squarely in the eye. He saw he could trust me, and I saw—well, a whole lot of
things, perhaps, but I felt chiefly that he liked me and would tell me things
later, all in his own good time. I liked him all the better for that too.
“I only meant,” he
answered slowly, “whether you really saw—anything?”
“No,” I said straight,
“I didn’t see a thing, but, by the gods, I felt something.”
He started. I started
too. An astonishing big look came swimming over his fair, handsome face. His
eyes seemed all lit up. He looked as if he’d just made a cool million in wheat
or cotton.
“I knew—you were that
sort,” he whispered. “Though I hardly remembered what you looked like.”
“Then what on earth was
it?” I asked.
His reply staggered me a
bit. “It was just that,” he said—“the Earth!”
And then, just when
things were getting interesting and promising a dividend, he shut up like a
clam. He wouldn’t say another word. He asked after my family and business, my
health, what kind of crossing I’d had, and all the rest of the common stock. It
fairly bowled me over. And I couldn’t change him either.
I suppose in America we
get pretty free and easy, and don’t quite understand reserve. But this young
man of half my age kept me in my place as easily as I might have kept a
nervous customer quiet in my own office. He just refused to take me on. He was
polite and cool and distant as you please, and when I got pressing sometimes he
simply pretended he didn’t understand. I could no more get him back again to
the subject of the wood than a customer could have gotten me to tell him about
the prospects of exchange being cheap or dear—when I didn’t know myself but
wouldn’t let him see I didn’t know. He was charming, he was delightful,
enthusiastic and even affectionate; downright glad to see me, too, and to chin
with me—but I couldn’t draw him worth a cent. And in the end I gave up trying.
And the moment I gave up
trying he let down a little—but only a very little.
“You’ll stay here some
time, Uncle Jim, won’t you?”
“That’s my idea,” I
said, “if I can see you, and you can show me round some.”
He laughed with
pleasure. “Oh, rather. I’ve got lots of time. After three in the afternoon I’m
free till—any time you like. There’s a lot to see,” he added.
“Come along to-morrow
then,” I said. “If you can’t take lunch, perhaps you can come just afterwards.
You’ll find me waiting for you—right here.”
“I’ll come at three,” he
replied, and we said good-night.
2
He turned up sharp at
three, and I liked his punctuality. I saw him come swinging down the dusty
road; tall, deep-chested, his broad shoulders a trifle high, and his head set
proudly. He looked like a young chap in training, a thoroughbred, every inch of
him. At the same time there was a touch of something a little too refined and
delicate for a man, I thought. That was the poetic, scholarly vein in him, I
guess—grandfather cropping out. This time he wore no cap. His thick light hair,
not brushed back like the London shop-boys, but parted on the side, yet
untidy for all that, suited him exactly and gave him a touch of wildness.
“Well,” he asked, “what
would you like to do, Uncle Jim? I’m at your service, and I’ve got the whole
afternoon till supper at seven-thirty.” I told him I’d like to go through that
wood. “All right,” he said, “come along. I’ll show you.” He gave me one quick
glance, but said no more. “I’d like to see if I feel anything this time,” I
explained. “We’ll locate the very spot, maybe.” He nodded.
“You know where I mean,
don’t you?” I asked, “because you saw me there?” He just said yes, and then we
started.
It was hot, and air was
scarce. I remember that we went uphill, and that I realised there was
considerable difference in our ages. We crossed some fields first—smothered in
flowers so thick that I wondered how much grass the cows got out of it!—and
then came to a sprinkling of fine young larches that looked as soft as velvet.
There was no path, just a wild mountain side. I had very little breath on the
steep zigzags, but Arthur talked easily—and talked mighty well, too: the light
and shade, the colouring, and the effect of all this wilderness of lonely
beauty on the mind. He kept all this suppressed at home in business. It was
safety valves. I twigged that. It was the artist in him talking. He
seemed to think there was nothing in the world but Beauty—with a big B all the
time. And the odd thing was he took for granted that I felt the same. It was
cute of him to flatter me that way. “Daulis and the lone Cephissian vale,” I
heard; and a few moments later—with a sort of reverence in his voice like
worship—he called out a great singing name: “Astarte!”
“Day is her face, and
midnight is her hair,
And morning hours are but the golden stair
By which she climbs to Night.”
It was here first that a
queer change began to grow upon me too.
“Steady on, boy! I’ve
forgotten all my classics ages ago,” I cried.
He turned and gazed down
on me, his big eyes glowing, and not a sign of perspiration on his skin.
“That’s nothing,” he
exclaimed in his musical, deep voice. “You know it, or you’d never have felt
things in this wood last night; and you wouldn’t have wanted to come out with me now!”
“How?” I gasped. “How’s
that?”
“You’ve come,” he
continued quietly, “to the only valley in this artificial country that has
atmosphere. This valley is alive—especially this end of it. There’s
superstition here, thank God! Even the peasants know things.”
I stared at him. “See
here, Arthur,” I objected. “I’m not a Cath. And I don’t know a thing—at least
it’s all dead in me and forgotten—about poetry or classics or your gods and
pan—pantheism—in spite of grandfather——”
His face turned like a
dream face.
“Hush!” he said quickly.
“Don’t mention him. There’s a bit of him in you as well as in me,
and it was here, you know, he wrote——”
I didn’t hear the rest
of what he said. A creep came over me. I remembered that this ancestor of ours
lived for years in the isolation of some Swiss forest where he claimed—he used
that setting for his writing—he had found the exiled gods, their ghosts, their
beauty, their eternal essences—or something astonishing of that sort. I had
clean forgotten it till this moment. It all rushed back upon me, a memory of my
boyhood.
And, as I say, a creep
came over me—something as near to awe as ever could be. The sunshine on that
field of yellow daisies and blue forget-me-nots turned pale. That warm valley
wind had a touch of snow in it. And, ashamed and frightened of my baby
mood, I looked at Arthur, meaning to choke him off with all this rubbish—and
then saw something in his eyes that scared me stiff.
I admit it. What’s the
use? There was an expression on his fine big face that made my blood go
curdled. I got cold feet right there. It mastered me. In him, behind him, near
him—blest if I know which, through him probably—came an
enormous thing that turned me insignificant. It downed me utterly.
It was over in a second,
the flash of a wing. I recovered instantly. No mere boy should come these muzzy
tricks on me, scholar or no scholar. For the change in me was on the increase,
and I shrank.
“See here, Arthur,” I
said plainly once again, “I don’t know what your game is, but—there’s something
queer up here I don’t quite get at. I’m only a business man, with classics and
poetry all gone dry in me twenty years ago and more——”
He looked at me so
strangely that I stopped, confused.
“But, Uncle Jim,” he
said as quietly as though we talked tobacco brands, “you needn’t be alarmed.
It’s natural you should feel the place. You and I belong to it. We’ve both
got him in us. You’re just as proud of him as I am, only in a
different way.” And then he added, with a touch of disappointment: “I thought
you’d like it. You weren’t afraid last night. You felt the beauty then.”
Flattery is a darned
subtle thing at any time. To see him standing over me in that superior way and
talking down at my poor business mind—well, it just came over me that I was
laying my cards on the table a bit too early. After so many years of city
life——!
Anyway, I pulled myself
together. “I was only kidding you, boy,” I laughed. “I feel this beauty just as
much as you do. Only, I guess, you’re more accustomed to it than I am. Come on
now,” I added with energy, getting upon my feet, “let’s push on and see
the wood. I want to find that place again.”
He pulled me with a hand
of iron, laughing as he did so. Gee! I wished I had his teeth, as well as the
muscles in his arm. Yet I felt younger, somehow, too—youth flowed more and more
into my veins. I had forgotten how sweet the winds and woods and flowers could
be. Something melted in me. For it was Spring, and the whole world was singing
like a dream. Beauty was creeping over me. I don’t know. I began to feel all
big and tender and open to a thousand wonderful sensations. The thought of
streets and houses seemed like death. ...
We went on again, not
talking much; my breath got shorter and shorter, and he kept looking about him
as though he expected something. But we passed no living soul, not even a
peasant; there were no chalets, no cattle, no cattle shelters even. And then I
realised that the valley lay at our feet in haze and that we had been climbing
at least a couple of hours. “Why, last night I got home in twenty minutes at
the outside,” I said. He shook his head, smiling. “It seemed like that,” he
replied, “but you really took much longer. It was long after ten when I found
you in the hall.” I reflected a moment. “Now I come to think of it, you’re
right, Arthur. Seems curious, though, somehow.” He looked closely at me. “I
followed you all the way,” he said.
“You followed me!”
“And you went at a good
pace too. It was your feelings that made it seem so short—you were singing to
yourself and happy as a dancing faun. We kept close behind you for a long way.”
I think it was “we” he
said, but for some reason or other I didn’t care to ask.
“Maybe,” I answered
shortly, trying uncomfortably to recall what particular capers I had cut. “I
guess that’s right.” And then I added something about the loneliness,[81] and
how deserted all this slope of mountain was. And he explained that the peasants
were afraid of it and called it No Man’s Land. From one year’s end to another
no human foot went up or down it; the hay was never cut; no cattle grazed along
the splendid pastures; no chalet had even been built within a mile of the wood
we slowly made for. “They’re superstitious,” he told me. “It was just the same
a hundred years ago when he discovered it—there was a little
natural cave on the edge of the forest where he used to sleep sometimes—I’ll
show it to you presently—but for generations this entire mountain-side has been
undisturbed. You’ll never meet a living soul in any part of it.” He stopped and
pointed above us to where the pine wood hung in mid-air, like a dim blue
carpet. “It’s just the place for Them, you see.”
And a thrill of power
went smashing through me. I can’t describe it. It drenched me like a waterfall.
I thought of Greece—Mount Ida and a thousand songs! Something in me—it was like
the click of a shutter—announced that the “change” was suddenly complete. I was
another man; or rather a deeper part of me took command. My very language
showed it.
The calm of halcyon
weather lay over all. Overhead the peaks rose clear as crystal; below us the
village lay in a bluish smudge of smoke and haze, as though a great finger had
rubbed them softly into the earth. Absolute loneliness fell upon me like a
clap. From the world of human beings we seemed quite shut off. And there began
to steal over me again the strange elation of the night before. ... We found
ourselves almost at once against the edge of the wood.
It rose in front of us,
a big wall of splendid trees, motionless as if cut out of dark green metal, the
branches hanging stiff, and the crowd of trunks lost in the blue dimness
underneath. I shaded my eyes with one hand, trying to peer into the solemn
gloom. The contrast between the brilliant sunshine on the pastures and
this region of heavy shadows blurred my sight.
“It’s like the entrance
to another world,” I whispered.
“It is,” said Arthur,
watching me. “We will go in. You shall pluck asphodel. ...”
And, before I knew it,
he had me by the hand. We were advancing. We left the light behind us. The cool
air dropped upon me like a sheet. There was a temple silence. The sun ran down
behind the sky, leaving a marvellous blue radiance everywhere. Nothing stirred.
But through the stillness there rose power, power that has no name, power that
hides at the foundations somewhere—foundations that are changeless, invisible,
everlasting. What do I mean? My mind grew to the dimensions of a planet. We
were among the roots of life—whence issues that one thing in
infinite guise that seeks so many temporary names from the protean minds of
men.
“You shall pluck
asphodel in the meadows this side of Erebus,” Arthur was chanting. “Hermes
himself, the Psychopomp, shall lead, and Malahide shall welcome us.”
Malahide ...!
To hear him use that
name, the name of our scholar-ancestor, now dead and buried close upon a
century—the way he half chanted it—gave me the goose-flesh. I stopped against a
tree-stem, thinking of escape. No words came to me at the moment, for I didn’t
know what to say; but, on turning to find the bright green slopes just left
behind, I saw only a crowd of trees and shadows hanging thick as a curtain—as
though we had walked a mile. And it was a shock. The way out was lost. The
trees closed up behind us like a tide.
“It’s all right,” said
Arthur; “just keep an open mind and a heart alive with love. It has a
shattering effect at first, but that will pass.” He saw I was afraid, for I
shrank visibly enough. He stood beside me in his grey flannel suit, with his
brilliant eyes and his great shock of hair, looking more like a column of
light than a human being. “It’s all quite right and natural,” he repeated; “we
have passed the gateway, and Hecate, who presides over gateways, will let us
out again. Do not make discord by feeling fear. This is a pine wood, and pines
are the oldest, simplest trees; they are true primitives. They are an open
channel; and in a pine wood where no human life has ever been you shall often
find gateways where Hecate is kind to such as us.”
He took my hand—he must
have felt mine trembling, but his own was cool and strong and felt like
silver—and led me forward into the depths of a wood that seemed to me quite
endless. It felt endless, that is to say. I don’t know what came over me. Fear
slipped away, and elation took its place. ... As we advanced over ground that
seemed level, or slightly undulating, I saw bright pools of sunshine here and
there upon the forest floor. Great shafts of light dropped in slantingly
between the trunks. There was movement everywhere, though I never could see
what moved. A delicious, scented air stirred through the lower branches.
Running water sang not very far away. Figures I did not actually see; yet there
were limbs and flowing draperies and flying hair from time to time, ever just
beyond the pools of sunlight. ... Surprise went from me too. I was on air. The
atmosphere of dream came round me, but a dream of something just hovering
outside the world I knew—a dream wrought in gold and silver, with shining eyes,
with graceful beckoning hands, and with voices that rang like bells of
music. ... And the pools of light grew larger, merging one into another, until
a delicate soft light shone equably throughout the entire forest. Into this
zone of light we passed together. Then something fell abruptly at our feet, as
though thrown down ... two marvellous, shining sprays of blossom such as I had
never seen in all my days before!
“Asphodel!” cried my
companion, stooping to pick them up and handing one to me. I took it from
him with a delight I could not understand. “Keep it,” he murmured; “it is the
sign that we are welcome. For Malahide has dropped these on our path.”
And at the use of that
ancestral name it seemed that a spirit passed before my face and the hair of my
head stood up. There was a sense of violent, unhappy contrast. A composite
picture presented itself, then rushed away. What was it? My youth in England,
music and poetry at Cambridge and my passionate love of Greek that lasted two
terms at most, when Malahide’s great books formed part of the curriculum. Over
against this, then, the drag and smother of solid worldly business, the sordid
weight of modern ugliness, the bitterness of an ambitious, over-striving life.
And abruptly—beyond both pictures—a shining, marvellous Beauty that scattered
stars beneath my feet and scarved the universe with gold. All this flashed
before me with the utterance of that old family name. An alternative sprang up.
There seemed some radical, elemental choice presented to me—to what I used to
call my soul. My soul could take or leave it as it pleased. ...
I looked at Arthur
moving beside me like a shaft of light. What had come over me? How had our walk
and talk and mood, our quite recent everyday and ordinary view, our normal
relationship with the things of the world—how had it all slipped into this? So
insensibly, so easily, so naturally!
“Was it worth while?”
The question—I didn’t
ask it—jumped up in me of its own accord. Was “what” worth while? Why, my
present life of commonplace and grubbing toil, of course; my city existence,
with its meagre, unremunerative ambitions. Ah, it was this new Beauty calling
me, this shining dream that lay beyond the two pictures I have mentioned. ... I
did not argue it, even to myself. But I understood. There was a radical change
in me. The buried poet, too long hidden, rushed into the air like some
great singing bird.
I glanced again at
Arthur moving along lightly by my side, half dancing almost in his brimming
happiness. “Wait till you see Them,” I heard him singing. “Wait till you hear
the call of Artemis and the footsteps of her flying nymphs. Wait till Orion
thunders overhead and Selene, crowned with the crescent moon, drives up the
zenith in her white-horsed chariot. The choice will be beyond all question
then ...!”
A great silent bird,
with soft brown plumage, whirred across our path, pausing an instant as though
to peep, then disappearing with a muted sound into an eddy of the wind it made.
The big trees hid it. It was an owl. The same moment I heard a rush of liquid
song come pouring through the forest with a gush of almost human notes, and a
pair of glossy wings flashed past us, swerving upwards to find the open
sky—blue-black, pointed wings.
“His favourites!”
exclaimed my companion with clear joy in his voice. “They all are here!
Athene’s bird, Procne and Philomela too! The owl—the swallow—and the
nightingale! Tereus and Itys are not far away.” And the entire forest, as he
said it, stirred with movement, as though that great bird’s quiet wings had
waked the sea of ancient shadows. There were voices too—ringing, laughing
voices, as though his words woke echoes that had been listening for it. For I
heard sweet singing in the distance. The names he had used perplexed me. Yet
even I, stranger as I was to such refined delights, could not mistake the
passion of the nightingale and the dart of the eager swallow. That wild burst
of music, that curve of swift escape, were unmistakable.
And I struck a stalwart
tree-stem with my open hand, feeling the need of hearing, touching, sensing it.
My link with known, remembered things was breaking. I craved the satisfaction
of the commonplace. I got that satisfaction; but I got something more as well.
For the trunk[86] was
round and smooth and comely. It was no dead thing I struck. Somehow it brushed
me into intercourse with inanimate Nature. And next the desire came to hear my
voice—my own familiar, high-pitched voice with the twang and accent the New
World climate brings, so-called American:
“Exchange Place, Noo
York City. I’m in that business, buying and selling of exchange between the
banks of two civilised countries, one of them stoopid and old-fashioned, the
other leading all creation ...!”
It was an effort; but I made
it firmly. It sounded odd, remote, unreal.
“Sunlit woods and a wind
among the branches”, followed close and sweet upon my words. But who, in the
name of Wall Street, said it?
“England’s buying gold,”
I tried again. “We’ve had a private wire. Cut in quick. First National is
selling!”
Great-faced Hephæstus,
how ridiculous! It was like saying, “I’ll take your scalp unless you give me
meat.” It was barbaric, savage, centuries ago. Again there came another voice
that caught up my own and turned it into common syntax. Some heady beauty of
the Earth rose about me like a cloud.
“Hark! Night comes, with
the dusk upon her eyelids. She brings those dreams that every dew-drop holds at
dawn. Daughter of Thanatos and Hypnos ...!”
But again—who said the
words? It surely was not Arthur, my nephew Arthur, of To-day, learning French
in a Swiss mountain village! I felt—well, what did I feel? In the name of the
Stock Exchange and Wall Street, what was the cash surrender of amazing
feelings?
3
And, turning to look at
him, I made a discovery. I don’t know how to tell it quite; such shadowy
marvels have never been my line of goods. He looked several[87] things
at once—taller, slighter, sweeter, but chiefly—it sounds so crazy when I write
it down—grander is the word, I think. And all spread out with some power that
flowed like Spring when it pours upon a landscape. Eternally young and
glorious—young, I mean, in the sense of a field of flowers in the Spring looks
young; and glorious in the sense the sky looks glorious at dawn or sunset.
Something big shone through him like a storm, something that would go on for
ever just as the Earth goes on, always renewing itself, something of gigantic
life that in the human sense could never age at all—something the old gods had.
But the figure, so far as there was any figure at all, was that old family
picture come to life. Our great ancestor and Arthur were one being, and that
one being was vaster than a million people. Yet it was Malahide I saw. ...
“They laid me in the
earth I loved,” he said in a strange, thrilling voice like running wind and
water, “and I found eternal life. I live now for ever in Their divine
existence. I share the life that changes yet can never pass away.”
I felt myself rising
like a cloud as he said it. A roaring beauty captured me completely. If I could
tell it in honest newspaper language—the common language used in flats and
offices—why, I guess I could patent a new meaning in ordinary words, a new
power of expression, the thing that all the churches and poets and thinkers
have been trying to say since the world began. I caught on to a fact so fine
and simple that it knocked me silly to think I’d never realised it before. I
had read it, yes; but now I knew it. The Earth, the whole
bustling universe, was nothing after all but a visible production of eternal,
living Powers—spiritual powers, mind you—that just happened to include the
particular little type of strutting creature we called mankind. And these
Powers, as seen in Nature, were the gods. It was our refusal of their grand
appeal, so wild and sweet and beautiful, that[88] caused “evil.” It was this barrier between
ourselves and the rest of ...
My thoughts and feelings
swept away upon the rising flood as the “figure” came upon me like a shaft of
moonlight, melting the last remnant of opposition that was in me. I took my
brain, my reason, chucking them aside for the futile little mechanism I
suddenly saw them to be. In place of them came—oh, God, I hate to say it, for
only nursery talk can get within a mile of it, and yet what I need is something
simpler even than the words that children use. Under one arm I carried a whole
forest breathing in the wind, and beneath the other a hundred meadows full of
singing streams with golden marigolds and blue forget-me-nots along their
banks. Upon my back and shoulders lay the clouded hills with dew and moonlight
in their brimmed, capacious hollows. Thick in my hair hung the unaging powers
that are stars and sunlight; though the sun was far away, it sweetened the
currents of my blood with liquid gold. Breast and throat and face, as I
advanced, met all the rivers of the world and all the winds of heaven, their
strength and swiftness melting into me as light melts into everything it
touches. And into my eyes passed all the radiant colours that weave the cloth
of Nature as she takes the sun.
And this “figure,”
pouring upon me like a burst of moonlight, spoke:
“They all are in
you—air, and fire, and water. ...”
“And I—my feet stand—on
the Earth,” my own voice interrupted, deep power lifting through
the sound of it.
“The Earth!” He laughed
gigantically. He spread. He seemed everywhere about me. He seemed a race of
men. My life swam forth in waves of some immense sensation that issued from the
mountain and the forest, then returned to them again. I reeled. I clutched at
something in me that was slipping beyond control, slipping down a bank towards
a deep, dark river flowing at my feet. A shadowy boat appeared, a still more
shadowy outline at the helm. I was in the act of stepping into it. For the
tree I caught at was only air. I couldn’t stop myself. I tried to scream.
“You have plucked
asphodel,” sang the voice beside me, “and you shall pluck more. ...”
I slipped and slipped,
the speed increasing horribly. Then something caught, as though a cog held fast
and stopped me. I remembered my business in New York City.
“Arthur!” I yelled.
“Arthur!” I shouted again as hard as I could shout. There was frantic terror in
me. I felt as though I should never get back to myself again. Death!
The answer came in his
normal voice: “Keep close to me. I know the way. ...”
The scenery dwindled
suddenly; the trees came back. I was walking in the forest beside my nephew,
and the moonlight lay in patches and little shafts of silver. The crests of the
pines just murmured in a wind that scarcely stirred, and through an opening on
our right I saw the deep valley clasped about the twinkling village lights.
Towering in splendour the spectral snowfields hung upon the sky, huge summits
guarding them. And Arthur took my arm—oh, solidly enough this time. Thank
heaven, he asked no questions of me.
“There’s a smell of
myrrh,” he whispered, “and we are very near the undying, ancient things.”
I said something about
the resin from the trees, but he took no notice.
“It enclosed its body in
an egg of myrrh,” he went on, smiling down at me; “then, setting it on fire,
rose from the ashes with its life renewed. Once every five hundred years, you
see——”
“What did?” I cried,
feeling that loss of self stealing over me again. And his answer came like a
blow between the eyes:
“The Phœnix. They called
it a bird, but, of course, the true ...”
“But my life’s insured
in that,” I cried, for he had named the company that took large yearly premiums
from me; “and I pay ...”
“Your life’s insured
in this,” he said quietly, waving his arms to indicate the Earth.
“Your love of Nature and your sympathy with it make you safe.” He gazed at me.
There was a marvellous expression in his eyes. I understood why poets talked of
stars and flowers in a human face. But behind the face crept back another look
as well. There grew about his figure an indeterminate extension. The outline of
Malahide again stirred through his own. A pale, delicate hand reached out to
take my own. And something broke in me.
I was conscious of two
things—a burst of joy that meant losing myself entirely, and a rush of terror
that meant staying as I was, a small, painful, struggling item of individual
life. Another spray of that awful asphodel fell fluttering through the air in
front of my face. It rested on the earth against my feet. And Arthur—this
weirdly changing Arthur—stooped to pick it for me. I kicked it with my foot
beyond his reach ... then turned and ran as though the Furies of that ancient
world were after me. I ran for my very life. How I escaped from that thick wood
without banging my body to bits against the trees I can’t explain. I ran from
something I desired and yet feared. I leaped along in a succession of flying
bounds. Each tree I passed turned of its own accord and flung after me until
the entire forest followed. But I got out. I reached the open. Upon the sloping
field in the full, clear light of the moon I collapsed in a panting heap. The
Earth drew back with a great shuddering sigh behind me. There was this strange,
tumultuous sound upon the night. I lay beneath the open heavens that were full
of moonlight. I was myself—but there were tears in me. Beauty too high for
understanding had slipped between my fingers. I had lost Malahide. I had
lost the gods of Earth. ... Yet I had seen ... and felt. I had not lost all.
Something remained that I could never lose again. ...
I don’t know how it
happened exactly, but presently I heard Arthur saying: “You’ll catch your death
of cold if you lie on that soaking grass,” and felt his hand seize mine to pull
me to my feet.
“I feel safer on earth,”
I believe I answered. And then he said: “Yes, but it’s such a stupid way to
die—a chill!”
4
I got up then, and we
went downhill together towards the village lights. I danced—oh, I admit it—I
sang as well. There was a flood of joy and power about me that beat anything
I’d ever felt before. I didn’t think or hesitate; there was no
self-consciousness; I just let it rip for all there was, and if there had been
ten thousand people there in front of me, I could have made them feel it too.
That was the kind of feeling—power and confidence and a sort of raging
happiness. I think I know what it was too. I say this soberly, with reverence
... all wool and no fading. There was a bit of God in me, God’s power that
drives the Earth and pours through Nature—the imperishable Beauty expressed in
those old-world nature-deities!
And the fear I’d felt
was nothing but the little tickling point of losing my ordinary two-cent self,
the dread of letting go, the shrinking before the plunge—what a fellow feels
when he’s falling in love, and hesitates, and tries to think it out and hold
back, and is afraid to let the enormous tide flow in and drown him.
Oh, yes, I began to
think it over a bit as we raced down the mountain-side that glorious night.
I’ve read some in my day; my brain’s all right; I’ve heard of dual personality
and subliminal uprush and conversion—no new line of goods, all that. But
somehow these stunts of the psychologists and philosophers didn’t cut any ice
with me just then, because I’d experienced what they
merely explained. And explanation was just a bargain sale. The best
things can’t be explained at all. There’s no real value in a bargain sale.
Arthur had trouble to
keep up with me. We were running due east, and the Earth was turning,
therefore, with us. We all three ran together at her pace—terrific!
The moonlight danced along the summits, and the snow-fields flew like spreading
robes, and the forests everywhere, far and near, hung watching us and booming
like a thousand organs. There were uncaged winds about; you could hear them
whistling among the precipices. But the great thing that I knew was—Beauty, a
beauty of the common old familiar Earth, and a beauty that’s stayed with me
ever since, and given me joy and strength and a source of power and delight I’d
never guessed existed before.
000
As we dropped lower into
the thicker air of the valley I sobered down. Gradually the ecstasy passed from
me. We slowed up a bit. The lights and the houses and the sight of the hotel
where people were dancing in a stuffy ballroom, all this put blotting-paper on
something that had been flowing.
Now you’ll think this an
odd thing too—but when we reached the village street, I just took Arthur’s hand
and shook it and said good-night and went up to bed and slept like a
two-year-old till morning. And from that day to this I’ve never set eyes on the
boy again.
Perhaps it’s difficult
to explain, and perhaps it isn’t. I can explain it to myself in two lines—I was
afraid to see him. I was afraid he might “explain.” I was afraid he might
explain “away.” I just left a note—he never replied to it—and went off by a
morning train. Can you understand that? Because if you can’t you haven’t
understood this account I’ve tried to give of the experience Arthur gave
me. Well—anyway—I’ll just let it go at that.
Arthur’s a director now
in his father’s wholesale chemical business, and I—well, I’m doing better than
ever in the buying and selling of exchange between banks in New York City as
before.
But when I said I was
still drawing dividends on my Swiss investment, I meant it. And it’s not
“scenery.” Everybody gets a thrill from “scenery.” It’s a darned sight more
than that. It’s those little wayward patches of blue on a cloudy day; those
blue pools in the sky just above Trinity Church steeple when I pass out of Wall
Street into Lower Broadway; it’s the rustle of the sea-wind among the Battery
trees; the wash of the waves when the Ferry’s starting for Staten Island, and
the glint of the sun far down the Bay, or dropping a bit of pearl into the old
East River. And sometimes it’s the strip of cloud in the west above the Jersey
shore of the Hudson, the first star, the sickle of the new moon behind the
masts and shipping. But usually it’s something nearer, bigger, simpler than all
or any of these. It’s just the certainty that, when I hurry along the hard
stone pavements from bank to bank, I’m walking on the—Earth. It’s just that—the
Earth!
V.A DESERT EPISODE
1
“Better put wraps on now. The sun’s getting low,” a girl
said.
It was the end of a
day’s expedition in the Arabian Desert, and they were having tea. A few yards
away the donkeys munched their barsim; beside them in the sand the
boys lay finishing bread and jam. Immense, with gliding tread, the sun’s rays
slid from crest to crest of the limestone ridges that broke the huge expanse
towards the Red Sea. By the time the tea-things were packed the sun hovered, a
giant ball of red, above the Pyramids. It stood in the western sky a moment,
looking out of its majestic hood across the sand. With a movement almost
visible it leaped, paused, then leaped again. It seemed to bound towards the
horizon; then, suddenly, was gone.
“It is cold,
yes,” said the painter, Rivers. And all who heard looked up at him because of
the way he said it. A hurried movement ran through the merry party, and the
girls were on their donkeys quickly, not wishing to be left to bring up the rear.
They clattered off. The boys cried; the thud of sticks was heard; hoofs
shuffled through the sand and stones. In single file the picnickers headed for
Helouan, some five miles distant. And the desert closed up behind them as they
went, following in a shadowy wave that never broke, noiseless, foamless,
unstreaked, driven by no wind, and of a volume undiscoverable. Against the
orange sunset the Pyramids turned deep purple. The strip of silvery Nile among
its palm trees looked like rising mist. In the incredible Egyptian
afterglow the enormous horizons burned a little longer, then went out. The ball
of the earth—a huge round globe that bulged—curved visibly as at sea. It was no
longer a flat expanse; it turned. Its splendid curves were realised.
“Better put wraps on;
it’s cold and the sun is low”—and then the curious hurry to get back among the
houses and the haunts of men. No more was said, perhaps, than this, yet, the
time and place being what they were, the mind became suddenly aware of that
quality which ever brings a certain shrinking with it—vastness; and more than
vastness: that which is endless because it is also beginningless—eternity. A
colossal splendour stole upon the heart, and the senses, unaccustomed to the
unusual stretch, reeled a little, as though the wonder was more than could be
faced with comfort. Not all, doubtless, realised it, though to two, at least,
it came with a staggering impact there was no withstanding. For, while the
luminous greys and purples crept round them from the sandy wastes, the hearts
of these two became aware of certain common things whose simple majesty is
usually dulled by mere familiarity. Neither the man nor the girl knew for
certain that the other felt it, as they brought up the rear together; yet the
fact that each did feel it set them side by side in the same
strange circle—and made them silent. They realised the immensity of a moment:
the dizzy stretch of time that led up to the casual pinning of a veil; to the
tightening of a stirrup strap; to the little speech with a companion; the roar
of the vanished centuries that have ground mountains into sand and spread them
over the floor of Africa; above all, to the little truth that they themselves
existed amid the whirl of stupendous systems all delicately balanced as a
spider’s web—that they were alive.
For a moment this vast
scale of reality revealed itself, then hid swiftly again behind the débris of
the obvious. The universe, containing their two tiny yet important selves,
stood still for an instant before their eyes. They looked at it—realised that
they belonged to it. Everything moved and had its being, lived—here
in this silent, empty desert even more actively than in a city of crowded
houses. The quiet Nile, sighing with age, passed down towards the sea; there
loomed the menacing Pyramids across the twilight; beneath them, in monstrous
dignity, crouched that Shadow from whose eyes of battered stone proceeds the
nameless thing that contracts the heart, then opens it again to terror; and
everywhere, from towering monoliths as from secret tombs, rose that strange,
long whisper which, defying time and distance, laughs at death. The spell of
Egypt, which is the spell of immortality, touched their hearts.
Already, as the group of
picnickers rode homewards now, the first stars twinkled overhead, and the
peerless Egyptian night was on the way. There was hurry in the passing of the
dusk. And the cold sensibly increased.
“So you did no painting
after all,” said Rivers to the girl who rode a little in front of him, “for I
never saw you touch your sketch-book once.”
They were some distance
now behind the others; the line straggled; and when no answer came he quickened
his pace, drew up alongside and saw that her eyes, in the reflection of the
sunset, shone with moisture. But she turned her head a little, smiling into his
face, so that the human and the non-human beauty came over him with an onset
that was almost shock. Neither one nor other, he knew, were long for him, and
the realisation fell upon him with a pang of actual physical pain. The
acuteness, the hopelessness of the realisation, for a moment, were more than he
could bear, stern of temper though he was, and he tried to pass in front of
her, urging his donkey with resounding strokes. Her own animal, however, following
the lead, at once came up with him.
“You felt it, perhaps,
as I did,” he said some moments later, his voice quite steady again. “The
stupendous, everlasting thing—the—life behind it all.” He hesitated
a little in his speech, unable to find the substantive that could compass even
a fragment of his thought. She paused, too, similarly inarticulate before the
surge of incomprehensible feelings.
“It’s—awful,” she said,
half laughing, yet the tone hushed and a little quaver in it somewhere. And her
voice to his was like the first sound he had ever heard in the world, for the
first sound a full-grown man heard in the world would be beyond all
telling—magical. “I shall not try again,” she continued, leaving out the
laughter this time; “my sketch-book is a farce. For, to tell the truth”—and the
next three words she said below her breath—“I dare not.”
He turned and looked at
her for a second. It seemed to him that the following wave had caught them up,
and was about to break above her, too. But the big-brimmed hat and the
streaming veil shrouded her features. He saw, instead, the Universe. He felt as
though he and she had always, always been together, and always, always would
be. Separation was inconceivable.
“It came so close,” she
whispered. “It—shook me!”
They were cut off from
their companions, whose voices sounded far ahead. Her words might have been
spoken by the darkness, or by some one who peered at them from within that
following wave. Yet the fanciful phrase was better than any he could find. From
the immeasurable space of time and distance men’s hearts vainly seek to plumb,
it drew into closer perspective a certain meaning that words may hardly
compass, a formidable truth that belongs to that deep place where hope and
doubt fight their incessant battle. The awe she spoke of was the awe of
immortality, of belonging to something that is endless and beginningless.
And he understood that
the tears and laughter were one—caused by that spell which takes a little human
life and shakes it, as an animal shakes its prey that later shall feed its
blood and increase its power of growth. His other thoughts—really but a single
thought—he had not the right to utter. Pain this time easily routed hope as the
wave came nearer. For it was the wave of death that would shortly break, he
knew, over him, but not over her. Him it would sweep with its huge withdrawal
into the desert whence it came: her it would leave high upon the shores of
life—alone. And yet the separation would somehow not be real. They were
together in eternity even now. They were endless as this desert, beginningless
as this sky ... immortal. The realisation overwhelmed. ...
The lights of Helouan
seemed to come no nearer as they rode on in silence for the rest of the way.
Against the dark background of the Mokattam Hills these fairy lights twinkled
brightly, hanging in mid-air, but after an hour they were no closer than
before. It was like riding towards the stars. It would take centuries to reach
them. There were centuries in which to do so. Hurry has no place in the desert;
it is born in streets. The desert stands still; to go fast in it is to go
backwards. Now, in particular, its enormous, uncanny leisure was everywhere—in
keeping with that mighty scale the sunset had made visible. His thoughts, like
the steps of the weary animal that bore him, had no progress in them. The
serpent of eternity, holding its tail in its own mouth, rose from the sand,
enclosing himself, the stars—and her. Behind him, in the hollows of that
shadowy wave, the procession of dynasties and conquests, the great series of
gorgeous civilisations the mind calls Past, stood still, crowded with shining
eyes and beckoning faces, still waiting to arrive. There is no death in Egypt.
His own death stood so close that he could touch it by stretching out his hand,
yet it seemed as much behind as in front of him. What man called a beginning
was a trick. There was no such thing. He was with this girl—now, when
Death waited so close for him—yet he had never really begun. Their lives ran always
parallel. The hand he stretched to clasp approaching death caught instead in
this girl’s shadowy hair, drawing her in with him to the centre where he
breathed the eternity of the desert. Yet expression of any sort was as futile
as it was unnecessary. To paint, to speak, to sing, even the slightest gesture
of the soul, became a crude and foolish thing. Silence was here the truth. And
they rode in silence towards the fairy lights.
Then suddenly the rocky
ground rose up close before them; boulders stood out vividly with black shadows
and shining heads; a flat-roofed house slid by; three palm trees rattled in the
evening wind; beyond, a mosque and minaret sailed upwards, like the spars and
rigging of some phantom craft; and the colonnades of the great modern hotel,
standing upon its dome of limestone ridge, loomed over them. Helouan was about
them before they knew it. The desert lay behind with its huge, arrested billow.
Slowly, owing to its prodigious volume, yet with a speed that merged it
instantly with the far horizon behind the night, this wave now withdrew a
little. There was no hurry. It came, for the moment, no farther. Rivers knew.
For he was in it to the throat. Only his head was above the surface. He still
could breathe—and speak—and see. Deepening with every hour into an incalculable
splendour, it waited.
2
In the street the
foremost riders drew rein, and, two and two abreast, the long line clattered
past the shops and cafés, the railway station and hotels, stared at by the
natives from the busy pavements. The donkeys stumbled, blinded by the electric
light. Girls in white dresses flitted here and there, arabîyehs rattled past
with people hurrying home to dress for dinner, and the evening train, just in
from Cairo, disgorged its stream of passengers. There were dances in several of
the hotels that night. Voices rose on all sides. Questions and answers,
engagements and appointments were made, little plans and plots and intrigues
for seizing happiness on the wing—before the wave rolled in and caught the lot.
They chattered gaily:
“You are going,
aren’t you? You promised——”
“Of course I am.”
“Then I’ll drive you
over. May I call for you?”
“All right. Come at
ten.”
“We shan’t have finished
our bridge by then. Say ten-thirty.”
And eyes exchanged their
meaning signals. The group dismounted and dispersed. Arabs standing under the
lebbekh trees, or squatting on the pavements before their dim-lit booths,
watched them with faces of gleaming bronze. Rivers gave his bridle to a
donkey-boy, and moved across stiffly after the long ride to help the girl
dismount. “You feel tired?” he asked gently. “It’s been a long day.” For her
face was white as chalk, though the eyes shone brilliantly.
“Tired, perhaps,” she
answered, “but exhilarated too. I should like to be there now. I should like to
go back this minute—if some one would take me.” And, though she said it
lightly, there was a meaning in her voice he apparently chose to disregard. It
was as if she knew his secret. “Will you take me—some day soon?”
The direct question,
spoken by those determined little lips, was impossible to ignore. He looked
close into her face as he helped her from the saddle with a spring that brought
her a moment half into his arms. “Some day—soon. I will,” he said with
emphasis, “when you are—ready.” The pallor in her face, and a certain
expression in it he had not known before, startled him. “I think you have been
overdoing it,” he added, with a tone in which authority and love were oddly
mingled, neither of them disguised.
“Like yourself,” she
smiled, shaking her skirts out and looking down at her dusty shoes. “I’ve only
a few days more—before I sail. We’re both in such a hurry, but you are the
worst of the two.”
“Because my time is even
shorter,” ran his horrified thought—for he said no word.
She raised her eyes
suddenly to his, with an expression that for an instant almost convinced him
she had guessed—and the soul in him stood rigidly at attention, urging back the
rising fires. The hair had dropped loosely round the sun-burned neck. Her face
was level with his shoulder. Even the glare of the street lights could not make
her undesirable. But behind the gaze of the deep brown eyes another thing
looked forth imperatively into his own. And he recognised it with a rush of
terror, yet of singular exultation.
“It followed us all the
way,” she whispered. “It came after us from the desert—where it lives.”
“At the houses,” he said
equally low, “it stopped.” He gladly adopted her syncopated speech, for it
helped him in his struggle to subdue those rising fires.
For a second she
hesitated. “You mean, if we had not left so soon—when it turned cold. If we had
not hurried—if we had remained a little longer——”
He caught at her hand,
unable to control himself, but dropped it again the same second, while she made
as though she had not noticed, forgiving him with her eyes. “Or a great deal
longer,” she added slowly—“for ever?”
And then he was certain
that she had guessed—not that he loved her above all else in
the world, for that was so obvious that a child might know it, but that his
silence was due to his other, lesser secret; that the great Executioner stood
waiting to drop the hood about his eyes. He was already pinioned. Something in
her gaze and in her manner persuaded him suddenly that she understood.
His exhilaration
increased extraordinarily. “I mean,” he said very quietly, “that the spell
weakens here among the houses and among the—so-called living.” There was
masterfulness, triumph, in his voice. Very wonderfully he saw her smile change;
she drew slightly closer to his side, as though unable to resist. “Mingled with
lesser things we should not understand completely,” he added softly.
“And that might be a
mistake, you mean?” she asked quickly, her face grave again.
It was his turn to
hesitate a moment. The breeze stirred the hair about her neck, bringing its
faint perfume—perfume of young life—to his nostrils. He drew his breath in
deeply, smothering back the torrent of rising words he knew were unpermissible.
“Misunderstanding,” he said briefly. “If the eye be single——” He broke off,
shaken by a paroxysm of coughing. “You know my meaning,” he continued, as soon
as the attack had passed; “you feel the difference here,” pointing
round him to the hotels, the shops, the busy stream of people; “the hurry, the
excitement, the feverish, blinding child’s play which pretends to be alive, but
does not know it——” And again the coughing stopped him. This time she took his
hand in her own, pressed it very slightly, then released it. He felt it as the
touch of that desert wave upon his soul. “The reception must be in complete and
utter resignation. Tainted by lesser things, the disharmony might be——” he
began stammeringly.
Again there came
interruption, as the rest of the party called impatiently to know if they were
coming up to the hotel. He had not time to find the completing adjective.
Perhaps he could not find it ever. Perhaps it does not exist in any modern
language. Eternity is not realised to-day; men have no time to know they are
alive for ever; they are too busy. ...
They all moved in a
clattering, merry group towards the big hotel. Rivers and the girl were
separated.
3
There was a dance that
evening, but neither of these took part in it. In the great dining-room their
tables were far apart. He could not even see her across the sea of intervening
heads and shoulders. The long meal over, he went to his room, feeling it
imperative to be alone. He did not read, he did not write; but, leaving the
light unlit, he wrapped himself up and leaned out upon the broad window-sill
into the great Egyptian night. His deep-sunken thoughts, like to the crowding
stars, stood still, yet for ever took new shapes. He tried to see behind them,
as, when a boy, he had tried to see behind the constellations—out into
space—where there is nothing.
Below him the lights of
Helouan twinkled like the Pleiades reflected in a pool of water; a hum of queer
soft noises rose to his ears; but just beyond the houses the desert stood at
attention, the vastest thing he had ever known, very stern, yet very
comforting, with its peace beyond all comprehension, its delicate, wild terror,
and its awful message of immortality. And the attitude of his mind, though he
did not know it, was one of prayer. ... From time to time he went to lie on the
bed with paroxysms of coughing. He had overtaxed his strength—his swiftly
fading strength. The wave had risen to his lips.
Nearer forty than
thirty-five, Paul Rivers had come out to Egypt, plainly understanding that with
the greatest care he might last a few weeks longer than if he stayed in
England. A few more times to see the sunset and the sunrise, to watch the
stars, feel the soft airs of earth upon his cheeks; a few more days of
intercourse with his kind, asking and answering questions, wearing the old
familiar clothes he loved, reading his favourite pages, and then—out into the
big spaces—where there is nothing.
Yet no one, from his
stalwart, energetic figure, would have guessed—no one but the expert mind, not
to be deceived, to whom in the first attack of overwhelming despair and
desolation he went for final advice. He left that house, as many had left it
before, knowing that soon he would need no earthly protection of roof and
walls, and that his soul, if it existed, would be shelterless in the space
behind all manifested life. He had looked forward to fame and position in this
world; had, indeed, already achieved the first step towards this end; and now,
with the vanity of all earthly aims so mercilessly clear before him, he had
turned, in somewhat of a nervous, concentrated hurry, to make terms with the
Infinite while still the brain was there. And had, of course, found nothing.
For it takes a lifetime crowded with experiment and effort to learn even the
alphabet of genuine faith; and what could come of a few weeks’ wild questioning
but confusion and bewilderment of mind? It was inevitable. He came out to Egypt
wondering, thinking, questioning, but chiefly wondering. He had grown, that is,
more childlike, abandoning the futile tool of Reason, which hitherto had seemed
to him the perfect instrument. Its foolishness stood naked before him in the
pitiless light of the specialist’s decision. For—“Who can by searching find out
God?”
To be exceedingly
careful of over-exertion was the final warning he brought with him, and, within
a few hours of his arrival, three weeks ago, he had met this girl and utterly
disregarded it. He took it somewhat thus: “Instead of lingering I’ll enjoy
myself and go out—a little sooner. I’ll live. The time is very
short.” His was not a nature, anyhow, that could heed a warning. He could not kneel.
Upright and unflinching, he went to meet things as they came, reckless, unwise,
but certainly not afraid. And this characteristic operated now. He ran to meet
Death full tilt in the uncharted spaces that lay behind the stars. With love
for a companion now, he raced, his speed increasing from day to day, she,
as he thought, knowing merely that he sought her, but had not guessed his
darker secret that was now his lesser secret.
And in the desert, this
afternoon of the picnic, the great thing he sped to meet had shown itself with
its familiar touch of appalling cold and shadow, familiar, because all minds
know of and accept it; appalling because, until realised close, and with the
mental power at the full, it remains but a name the heart refuses to believe
in. And he had discovered that its name was—Life.
Rivers had seen the Wave
that sweeps incessant, tireless, but as a rule invisible, round the great curve
of the bulging earth, brushing the nations into the deeps behind. It had
followed him home to the streets and houses of Helouan. He saw it now,
as he leaned from his window, dim and immense, too huge to break. Its beauty
was nameless, undecipherable. His coughing echoed back from the wall of its
great sides. ... And the music floated up at the same time from the ball-room
in the opposite wing. The two sounds mingled. Life, which is love, and Death,
which is their unchanging partner, held hands beneath the stars.
He leaned out farther to
drink in the cool, sweet air. Soon, on this air, his body would be dust,
driven, perhaps, against her very cheek, trodden on possibly by her little
foot—until, in turn, she joined him too, blown by the same wind loose about the
desert. True. Yet at the same time they would always be together, always
somewhere side by side, continuing in the vast universe, alive.
This new, absolute conviction was in him now. He remembered the curious, sweet
perfume in the desert, as of flowers, where yet no flowers are. It was the
perfume of life. But in the desert there is no life. Living things that grow
and move and utter, are but a protest against death. In the desert they are
unnecessary, because death there is not. Its overwhelming
vitality needs no insolent, visible proof, no protest, no
challenge, no little signs of life. The message of the desert is
immortality. ...
He went finally to bed,
just before midnight. Hovering magnificently just outside his window, Death
watched him while he slept. The wave crept to the level of his eyes. He called
her name. ...
000
And downstairs,
meanwhile, the girl, knowing nothing, wondered where he was, wondered unhappily
and restlessly; more—though this she did not understand—wondered motheringly.
Until to-day, on the ride home, and from their singular conversation together,
she had guessed nothing of his reason for being at Helouan, where so many come
in order to find life. She only knew her own. And she was but twenty-five. ...
Then, in the desert,
when that touch of unearthly chill had stolen out of the sand towards sunset,
she had realised clearly, astonished she had not seen it long ago, that this
man loved her, yet that something prevented his obeying the great impulse. In
the life of Paul Rivers, whose presence had profoundly stirred her heart the
first time she saw him, there was some obstacle that held him back, a barrier
his honour must respect. He could never tell her of his love. It could lead to
nothing. Knowing that he was not married, her intuition failed her utterly at
first. Then, in their silence on the homeward ride, the truth had somehow
pressed up and touched her with its hand of ice. In that disjointed
conversation at the end, which reads as it sounded, as though no coherent
meaning lay behind the words, and as though both sought to conceal by speech
what yet both burned to utter, she had divined his darker secret, and knew that
it was the same as her own. She understood then it was Death that had tracked
them from the desert, following with its gigantic shadow from the sandy wastes.
The cold, the darkness, the silence which cannot answer, the stupendous mystery
which is the spell of its inscrutable Presence, had risen about them in the
dusk, and kept them company at a little distance, until the lights of Helouan
had bade it halt. Life which may not, cannot end, had frightened her.
His time, perhaps, was
even shorter than her own. None knew his secret, since he was alone in Egypt
and was caring for himself. Similarly, since she bravely kept her terror to
herself, her mother had no inkling of her own, aware merely that the disease
was in her system and that her orders were to be extremely cautious. This
couple, therefore, shared secretly together the two clearest glimpses of
eternity life has to offer to the soul. Side by side they looked into the
splendid eyes of Love and Death. Life, moreover, with its instinct for simple
and terrific drama, had produced this majestic climax, breaking with pathos, at
the very moment when it could not be developed—this side of the stars. They
stood together upon the stage, a stage emptied of other human players; the
audience had gone home and the lights were being lowered; no music sounded; the
critics were a-bed. In this great game of Consequences it was known where he
met her, what he said and what she answered, possibly what they did and even
what the world thought. But “what the consequence was” would remain unknown,
untold. That would happen in the big spaces of which the desert in its silence,
its motionless serenity, its shelterless, intolerable vastness, is the perfect
symbol. And the desert gives no answer. It sounds no challenge, for it is
complete. Life in the desert makes no sign. It is.
4
In the hotel that night
there arrived by chance a famous International dancer, whose dahabîyeh lay
anchored at San Giovanni, in the Nile below Helouan; and this woman, with her
party, had come to dine and take part in the festivities. The news spread.
After twelve the lights were lowered, and while the moonlight flooded the
terraces, streaming past pillar and colonnade, she rendered in the shadowed
halls the music of the Masters, interpreting with an instinctive genius
messages which are eternal and divine.
Among the crowd of
enthralled and delighted guests, the girl sat on the steps and watched her. The
rhythmical interpretation held a power that seemed, in a sense, inspired; there
lay in it a certain unconscious something that was pure, unearthly; something
that the stars, wheeling in stately movements over the sea and desert know;
something the great winds bring to mountains where they play together;
something the forests capture and fix magically into their gathering of big and
little branches. It was both passionate and spiritual, wild and tender,
intensely human and seductively non-human. For it was original, taught of
Nature, a revelation of naked, unhampered life. It comforted, as the desert
comforts. It brought the desert awe into the stuffy corridors of the hotel,
with the moonlight and the whispering of stars, yet behind it ever the silence
of those grey, mysterious, interminable spaces which utter to themselves the
wordless song of life. For it was the same dim thing, she felt, that had
followed her from the desert several hours before, halting just outside the
streets and houses as though blocked from further advance; the thing that had
stopped her foolish painting, skilled though she was, because it hides behind
colour and not in it; the thing that veiled the meaning in the cryptic
sentences she and he had stammered out together; the thing, in a word, as near
as she could approach it by any means of interior expression, that the
realisation of death for the first time makes comprehensible—Immortality. It
was unutterable, but it was. He and she were indissolubly together.
Death was no separation. There was no death. ... It was terrible. It was—she
had already used the word—awful, full of awe.
“In the desert,” thought
whispered, as she watched spellbound, “it is impossible even to conceive of
death. The idea is meaningless. It simply is not.”
The music and the movement
filled the air with life which, being there, must continue always, and
continuing always can have never had a beginning. Death, therefore, was the
great revealer of life. Without it none could realise that they are alive.
Others had discovered this before her, but she did not know it. In the desert
no one can realise death: it is hope and life that are the only certainty. The
entire conception of the Egyptian system was based on this—the conviction, sure
and glorious, of life’s endless continuation. Their tombs and temples, their
pyramids and sphinxes surviving after thousands of years, defy the passage of
time and laugh at death; the very bodies of their priests and kings, of their
animals even, their fish, their insects, stand to-day as symbols of their
stalwart knowledge.
And this girl, as she
listened to the music and watched the inspired dancing, remembered it. The
message poured into her from many sides, though the desert brought it clearest.
With death peering into her face a few short weeks ahead, she thought instead
of—life. The desert, as it were, became for her a little fragment of eternity,
focused into an intelligible point for her mind to rest upon with comfort and
comprehension. Her steady, thoughtful nature stirred towards an objective far beyond
the small enclosure of one narrow lifetime. The scale of the desert stretched
her to the grandeur of its own imperial meaning, its divine repose, its
unassailable and everlasting majesty. She looked beyond the wall.
Eternity! That which is
endless; without pause, without beginning, without divisions or boundaries. The
fluttering of her brave yet frightened spirit ceased, aware with awe of
its own everlastingness. The swiftest motion produces the effect of immobility;
excessive light is darkness; size, run loose into enormity, is the same as the
minutely tiny. Similarly, in the desert, life, too overwhelming and terrific to
know limit or confinement, lies undetailed and stupendous, still as deity, a
revelation of nothingness because it is all. Turned golden beneath its spell
that the music and the rhythm made even more comprehensible, the soul in her,
already lying beneath the shadow of the great wave, sank into rest and peace,
too certain of itself to fear. And panic fled away. “I am immortal ... because
I am. And what I love is not apart from me. It is myself. We are
together endlessly because we are.”
Yet in reality, though
the big desert brought this, it was Love, which, being of similar parentage,
interpreted its vast meaning to her little heart—that sudden love which,
without a word of preface or explanation, had come to her a short three weeks
before. ... She went up to her room soon after midnight, abruptly, unexpectedly
stricken. Some one, it seemed, had called her name. She passed his door.
The lights had been
turned up. The clamour of praise was loud round the figure of the weary dancer
as she left in a carriage for her dahabîyeh on the Nile. A low wind whistled
round the walls of the great hotel, blowing chill and bitter between the pillars
of the colonnades. The girl heard the voices float up to her through the night,
and once more, behind the confused sound of the many, she heard her own name
called, but more faintly than before, and from very far away. It came through
the spaces beyond her open window; it died away again; then—but for the sighing
of that bitter wind—silence, the deep silence of the desert.
And these two, Paul
Rivers and the girl, between them merely a floor of that stone that built the
Pyramids, lay a few moments before the Wave of Sleep engulfed them. And,
while they slept, two shadowy forms hovered above the roof of the quiet hotel,
melting presently into one, as dreams stole down from the desert and the stars.
Immortality whispered to them. On either side rose Life and Death, towering in
splendour. Love, joining their spreading wings, fused the gigantic outlines
into one. The figures grew smaller, comprehensible. They entered the little
windows. Above the beds they paused a moment, watching, waiting, and then, like
a wave that is just about to break, they stooped. ...
And in the brilliant
Egyptian sunlight of the morning, as she went downstairs, she passed his door
again. She had awakened, but he slept on. He had preceded her. It was next day
she learned his room was vacant. ... Within the month she joined him, and
within the year the cool north wind that sweetens Lower Egypt from the sea blew
the dust across the desert as before. It is the dust of kings, of queens, of
priests, princesses, lovers. It is the dust no earthly power can annihilate.
It, too, lasts for ever. There was a little more of it ... the desert’s message
slightly added to: Immortality.
VI.THE OTHER WING
1
It used to puzzle him that, after dark, some
one would look in round the edge of the bedroom door, and
withdraw again too rapidly for him to see the face. When the nurse had gone
away with the candle this happened: “Good night, Master Tim,” she said usually,
shading the light with one hand to protect his eyes; “dream of me and I’ll
dream of you.” She went out slowly. The sharp-edged shadow of the door ran
across the ceiling like a train. There came a whispered colloquy in the
corridor outside, about himself, of course, and—he was alone. He heard her
steps going deeper and deeper into the bosom of the old country house; they
were audible for a moment on the stone flooring of the hall; and sometimes the
dull thump of the baize door into the servants’ quarters just reached him,
too—then silence. But it was only when the last sound, as well as the last sign
of her had vanished, that the face emerged from its hiding-place and flashed in
upon him round the corner. As a rule, too, it came just as he was saying, “Now
I’ll go to sleep. I won’t think any longer. Good night, Master Tim, and happy
dreams.” He loved to say this to himself; it brought a sense of companionship,
as though there were two persons speaking.
The room was on the top
of the old house, a big, high-ceilinged room, and his bed against the wall had
an iron railing round it; he felt very safe and protected in it. The curtains
at the other end of the room were drawn. He lay watching the firelight dancing
on the heavy folds, and their pattern, showing a spaniel chasing a
long-tailed bird towards a bushy tree, interested and amused him. It was
repeated over and over again. He counted the number of dogs, and the number of
birds, and the number of trees, but could never make them agree. There was a
plan somewhere in that pattern; if only he could discover it, the dogs and
birds and trees would “come out right.” Hundreds and hundreds of times he had
played this game, for the plan in the pattern made it possible to take sides,
and the bird and dog were against him. They always won, however; Tim usually
fell asleep just when the advantage was on his own side. The curtains hung
steadily enough most of the time, but it seemed to him once or twice that they
stirred—hiding a dog or bird on purpose to prevent his winning. For instance,
he had eleven birds and eleven trees, and, fixing them in his mind by saying,
“that’s eleven birds and eleven trees, but only ten dogs,” his eyes darted back
to find the eleventh dog, when—the curtain moved and threw all his calculations
into confusion again. The eleventh dog was hidden. He did not quite like the
movement; it gave him questionable feelings, rather, for the curtain did not
move of itself. Yet, usually, he was too intent upon counting the dogs to feel
positive alarm.
Opposite to him was the
fireplace, full of red and yellow coals; and, lying with his head sideways on
the pillow, he could see directly in between the bars. When the coals settled
with a soft and powdery crash, he turned his eyes from the curtains to the
grate, trying to discover exactly which bits had fallen. So long as the glow
was there the sound seemed pleasant enough, but sometimes he awoke later in the
night, the room huge with darkness, the fire almost out—and the sound was not
so pleasant then. It startled him. The coals did not fall of themselves. It
seemed that some one poked them cautiously. The shadows were very thick before
the bars. As with the curtains, moreover, the morning aspect of the
extinguished fire, the ice-cold cinders that made a clinking sound like tin,
caused no emotion whatever in his soul.
And it was usually while
he lay waiting for sleep, tired both of the curtain and the coal games, on the
point, indeed, of saying, “I’ll go to sleep now,” that the puzzling thing took
place. He would be staring drowsily at the dying fire, perhaps counting the
stockings and flannel garments that hung along the high fender-rail when,
suddenly, a person looked in with lightning swiftness through the door and
vanished again before he could possibly turn his head to see. The appearance
and disappearance were accomplished with amazing rapidity always.
It was a head and
shoulders that looked in, and the movement combined the speed, the lightness
and the silence of a shadow. Only it was not a shadow. A hand held the edge of
the door. The face shot round, saw him, and withdrew like lightning. It was
utterly beyond him to imagine anything more quick and clever. It darted. He
heard no sound. It went. But—it had seen him, looked him all over, examined
him, noted what he was doing with that lightning glance. It wanted to know if
he were awake still, or asleep. And though it went off, it still watched him
from a distance; it waited somewhere; it knew all about him. Where it
waited no one could ever guess. It came probably, he felt, from beyond the
house, possibly from the roof, but most likely from the garden or the sky. Yet,
though strange, it was not terrible. It was a kindly and protective figure, he
felt. And when it happened he never called for help, because the occurrence
simply took his voice away.
“It comes from the
Nightmare Passage,” he decided; “but it’s not a nightmare.” It
puzzled him.
Sometimes, moreover, it
came more than once in a single night. He was pretty sure—not quite positive—that
it occupied his room as soon as he was properly asleep. It took possession,
sitting perhaps before the dying fire, standing upright behind the heavy
curtains, or even lying down in the empty bed his brother used when he was home
from school. Perhaps it played the curtain game, perhaps it poked the coals; it
knew, at any rate, where the eleventh dog had lain concealed. It certainly came
in and out; certainly, too, it did not wish to be seen. For, more than once, on
waking suddenly in the midnight blackness, Tim knew it was standing close
beside his bed and bending over him. He felt, rather than heard, its presence.
It glided quietly away. It moved with marvellous softness, yet he was positive
it moved. He felt the difference, so to speak. It had been near him, now it was
gone. It came back, too—just as he was falling into sleep again. Its midnight
coming and going, however, stood out sharply different from its first shy,
tentative approach. For in the firelight it came alone; whereas in the black
and silent hours, it had with it—others.
And it was then he made
up his mind that its swift and quiet movements were due to the fact that it had
wings. It flew. And the others that came with it in the darkness were “its
little ones.” He also made up his mind that all were friendly, comforting,
protective, and that while positively not a Nightmare, it yet
came somehow along the Nightmare Passage before it reached him. “You see, it’s
like this,” he explained to the nurse: “The big one comes to visit me alone,
but it only brings its little ones when I’m quite asleep.”
“Then the quicker you
get to sleep the better, isn’t it, Master Tim?”
He replied: “Rather! I
always do. Only I wonder where they come from!” He spoke, however,
as though he had an inkling.
But the nurse was so
dull about it that he gave her up and tried his father. “Of course,” replied
this busy but affectionate parent; “it’s either nobody at all, or else
it’s Sleep coming to carry you away to the land of dreams.” He made the
statement kindly but somewhat briskly, for he was worried just then about the
extra taxes on his land, and the effort to fix his mind on Tim’s fanciful world
was beyond him at the moment. He lifted the boy on to his knee, kissed and
patted him as though he were a favourite dog, and planted him on the rug again
with a flying sweep. “Run and ask your mother,” he added; “she knows all that
kind of thing. Then come back and tell me all about it—another time.”
Tim found his mother in
an arm-chair before the fire of another room; she was knitting and reading at
the same time—a wonderful thing the boy could never understand. She raised her
head as he came in, pushed her glasses on to her forehead, and held her arms
out. He told her everything, ending up with what his father said.
“You see, it’s not Jackman,
or Thompson, or any one like that,” he exclaimed. “It’s some one real.”
“But nice,” she assured
him, “some one who comes to take care of you and see that you’re all safe and
cosy.”
“Oh, yes, I know that.
But——”
“I think your father’s
right,” she added quickly. “It’s Sleep, I’m sure, who pops in round the door
like that. Sleep has got wings, I’ve always heard.”
“Then the other
thing—the little ones?” he asked. “Are they just sorts of dozes, you think?”
Mother did not answer
for a moment. She turned down the page of her book, closed it slowly, put it on
the table beside her. More slowly still she put her knitting away, arranging
the wool and needles with some deliberation.
“Perhaps,” she said,
drawing the boy closer to her and looking into his big eyes of wonder, “they’re
dreams!”
Tim felt a thrill run
through him as she said it. He stepped back a foot or so and clapped his hands
softly. “Dreams!” he whispered with enthusiasm and belief; “of course! I
never thought of that.”
His mother, having
proved her sagacity, then made a mistake. She noted her success, but instead of
leaving it there, she elaborated and explained. As Tim expressed it she “went
on about it.” Therefore he did not listen. He followed his train of thought
alone. And presently, he interrupted her long sentences with a conclusion of
his own:
“Then I know where She
hides,” he announced with a touch of awe. “Where She lives, I mean.” And
without waiting to be asked, he imparted the information: “It’s in the Other
Wing.”
“Ah!” said his mother,
taken by surprise. “How clever of you, Tim!”—and thus confirmed it.
Thenceforward this was
established in his life—that Sleep and her attendant Dreams hid during the
daytime in that unused portion of the great Elizabethan mansion called the
Other Wing. This other wing was unoccupied, its corridors untrodden, its
windows shuttered and its rooms all closed. At various places green baize doors
led into it, but no one ever opened them. For many years this part had been
shut up; and for the children, properly speaking, it was out of bounds. They
never mentioned it as a possible place, at any rate; in hide-and-seek it was
not considered, even; there was a hint of the inaccessible about the Other
Wing. Shadows, dust, and silence had it to themselves.
But Tim, having ideas of
his own about everything, possessed special information about the Other Wing.
He believed it was inhabited. Who occupied the immense series
of empty rooms, who trod the spacious corridors, who passed to and fro behind
the shuttered windows, he had not known exactly. He had called these occupants
“they,” and the most important among them was “The Ruler.” The Ruler of the
Other Wing was a kind of deity, powerful, far away, ever present yet never
seen.
And about this Ruler he
had a wonderful conception for a little boy; he connected her, somehow, with
deep thoughts of his own, the deepest of all. When he made up adventures to the
moon, to the stars, or to the bottom of the sea, adventures that he lived
inside himself, as it were—to reach them he must invariably pass through the
chambers of the Other Wing. Those corridors and halls, the Nightmare Passage
among them, lay along the route; they were the first stage of the journey. Once
the green baize doors swung to behind him and the long dim passage stretched
ahead, he was well on his way into the adventure of the moment; the Nightmare
Passage once passed, he was safe from capture; but once the shutters of a
window had been flung open, he was free of the gigantic world that lay beyond.
For then light poured in and he could see his way.
The conception, for a
child, was curious. It established a correspondence between the mysterious
chambers of the Other Wing and the occupied, but unguessed chambers of his
Inner Being. Through these chambers, through these darkened corridors, along a
passage, sometimes dangerous, or at least of questionable repute, he must pass
to find all adventures that were real. The light—when he pierced
far enough to take the shutters down—was discovery. Tim did not actually think,
much less say, all this. He was aware of it, however. He felt it. The Other
Wing was inside himself as well as through the green baize doors. His inner map
of wonder included both of them.
But now, for the first
time in his life, he knew who lived there and who the Ruler was. A shutter had
fallen of its own accord; light poured in; he made a guess, and Mother had
confirmed it. Sleep and her Little Ones, the host of dreams, were the daylight
occupants. They stole out when the darkness fell. All adventures in life
began and ended by a dream—discoverable by first passing through the Other
Wing.
2
And, having settled
this, his one desire now was to travel over the map upon journeys of
exploration and discovery. The map inside himself he knew already, but the map
of the Other Wing he had not seen. His mind knew it, he had a clear mental picture
of rooms and halls and passages, but his feet had never trod the silent floors
where dust and shadows hid the flock of dreams by day. The mighty chambers
where Sleep ruled he longed to stand in, to see the Ruler face to face. He made
up his mind to get into the Other Wing.
To accomplish this was
difficult; but Tim was a determined youngster, and he meant to try; he meant,
also, to succeed. He deliberated. At night he could not possibly manage it; in
any case, the Ruler and her host all left it after dark, to fly about the
world; the Wing would be empty, and the emptiness would frighten him. Therefore
he must make a daylight visit; and it was a daylight visit he decided on. He
deliberated more. There were rules and risks involved: it meant going out of bounds,
the danger of being seen, the certainty of being questioned by some idle and
inquisitive grown-up: “Where in the world have you been all this time”—and so
forth. These things he thought out carefully, and though he arrived at no
solution, he felt satisfied that it would be all right. That is, he recognised
the risks. To be prepared was half the battle, for nothing then could take him
by surprise.
The notion that he might
slip in from the garden was soon abandoned; the red bricks showed no openings;
there was no door; from the courtyard, also, entrance was impracticable; even
on tiptoe he could barely reach the broad window-sills of stone. When playing
alone, or walking with the French governess, he examined every outside
possibility. None offered. The shutters, supposing he could reach them, were
thick and solid.
Meanwhile, when
opportunity offered, he stood against the outside walls and listened, his ear
pressed against the tight red bricks; the towers and gables of the Wing rose
overhead; he heard the wind go whispering along the eaves; he imagined tiptoe
movements and a sound of wings inside. Sleep and her Little Ones were busily
preparing for their journeys after dark; they hid, but they did not sleep; in
this unused Wing, vaster alone than any other country house he had ever seen,
Sleep taught and trained her flock of feathered Dreams. It was very wonderful.
They probably supplied the entire county. But more wonderful still was the
thought that the Ruler herself should take the trouble to come to his
particular room and personally watch over him all night long. That was amazing.
And it flashed across his imaginative, inquiring mind: “Perhaps they take me
with them! The moment I’m asleep! That’s why she comes to see me!”
Yet his chief
preoccupation was, how Sleep got out. Through the green baize doors, of course!
By a process of elimination he arrived at a conclusion: he, too, must enter
through a green baize door and risk detection.
Of late, the lightning
visits had ceased. The silent, darting figure had not peeped in and vanished as
it used to do. He fell asleep too quickly now, almost before Jackman reached
the hall, and long before the fire began to die. Also, the dogs and birds upon
the curtains always matched the trees exactly, and he won the curtain game
quite easily; there was never a dog or bird too many; the curtain never
stirred. It had been thus ever since his talk with Mother and Father. And so he
came to make a second discovery: His parents did not really believe in his
Figure. She kept away on that account. They doubted her; she hid. Here was
still another incentive to go and find her out. He ached for her, she was
so kind, she gave herself so much trouble—just for his little self in the big
and lonely bedroom. Yet his parents spoke of her as though she were of no
account. He longed to see her, face to face, and tell her that he believed
in her and loved her. For he was positive she would like to hear it. She cared.
Though he had fallen asleep of late too quickly for him to see her flash in at
the door, he had known nicer dreams than ever in his life before—travelling
dreams. And it was she who sent them. More—he was sure she took him out with
her.
One evening, in the dusk
of a March day, his opportunity came; and only just in time, for his brother
Jack was expected home from school on the morrow, and with Jack in the other
bed, no Figure would ever care to show itself. Also it was Easter, and after
Easter, though Tim was not aware of it at the time, he was to say good-bye
finally to governesses and become a day-boarder at a preparatory school for
Wellington. The opportunity offered itself so naturally, moreover, that Tim
took it without hesitation. It never occurred to him to question, much less to
refuse it. The thing was obviously meant to be. For he found himself
unexpectedly in front of a green baize door; and the green baize door
was—swinging! Somebody, therefore, had just passed through it.
It had come about in
this wise. Father, away in Scotland, at Inglemuir, the shooting place, was
expected back next morning; Mother had driven over to the church upon some
Easter business or other; and the governess had been allowed her holiday at
home in France. Tim, therefore, had the run of the house, and in the hour
between tea and bed-time he made good use of it. Fully able to defy such
second-rate obstacles as nurses and butlers, he explored all manner of
forbidden places with ardent thoroughness, arriving finally in the sacred
precincts of his father’s study. This wonderful room was the very heart and
centre of the whole big house; he had been birched here long ago; here,
too, his father had told him with a grave yet smiling face: “You’ve got a new
companion, Tim, a little sister; you must be very kind to her.” Also, it was
the place where all the money was kept. What he called “father’s jolly smell”
was strong in it—papers, tobacco, books, flavoured by hunting crops and
gunpowder.
At first he felt awed,
standing motionless just inside the door; but presently, recovering
equilibrium, he moved cautiously on tiptoe towards the gigantic desk where
important papers were piled in untidy patches. These he did not touch; but
beside them his quick eye noted the jagged piece of iron shell his father
brought home from his Crimean campaign and now used as a letter-weight. It was
difficult to lift, however. He climbed into the comfortable chair and swung
round and round. It was a swivel-chair, and he sank down among the cushions in
it, staring at the strange things on the great desk before him, as if
fascinated. Next he turned away and saw the stick-rack in the corner—this, he
knew, he was allowed to touch. He had played with these sticks before. There
were twenty, perhaps, all told, with curious carved handles, brought from every
corner of the world; many of them cut by his father’s own hand in queer and
distant places. And, among them, Tim fixed his eye upon a cane with an ivory
handle, a slender, polished cane that he had always coveted tremendously. It
was the kind he meant to use when he was a man. It bent, it quivered, and when
he swished it through the air it trembled like a riding-whip, and made a
whistling noise. Yet it was very strong in spite of its elastic qualities. A
family treasure, it was also an old-fashioned relic; it had been his grandfather’s
walking stick. Something of another century clung visibly about it still. It
had dignity and grace and leisure in its very aspect. And it suddenly occurred
to him: “How grandpapa must miss it! Wouldn’t he just love to have it back
again!”
How it happened exactly,
Tim did not know, but a few minutes later he found himself walking about the
deserted halls and passages of the house with the air of an elderly gentleman
of a hundred years ago, proud as a courtier, flourishing the stick like an Eighteenth
Century dandy in the Mall. That the cane reached to his shoulder made no
difference; he held it accordingly, swaggering on his way. He was off upon an
adventure. He dived down through the byways of the Other Wing, inside himself,
as though the stick transported him to the days of the old gentleman who had
used it in another century.
It may seem strange to
those who dwell in smaller houses, but in this rambling Elizabethan mansion
there were whole sections that, even to Tim, were strange and unfamiliar. In
his mind the map of the Other Wing was clearer by far than the geography of the
part he travelled daily. He came to passages and dim-lit halls, long corridors
of stone beyond the Picture Gallery; narrow, wainscoted connecting-channels
with four steps down and a little later two steps up; deserted chambers with
arches guarding them—all hung with the soft March twilight and all
bewilderingly unrecognised. With a sense of adventure born of naughtiness he
went carelessly along, farther and farther into the heart of this unfamiliar
country, swinging the cane, one thumb stuck into the arm-pit of his blue serge
suit, whistling softly to himself, excited yet keenly on the alert—and suddenly
found himself opposite a door that checked all further advance. It was a green
baize door. And it was swinging.
He stopped abruptly,
facing it. He stared, he gripped his cane more tightly, he held his breath.
“The Other Wing!” he gasped in a swallowed whisper. It was an entrance, but an
entrance he had never seen before. He thought he knew every door by heart; but
this one was new. He stood motionless for several minutes, watching it; the
door had two halves, but one half only was swinging, each swing shorter
than the one before; he heard the little puffs of air it made; it settled
finally, the last movements very short and rapid; it stopped. And the boy’s
heart, after similar rapid strokes, stopped also—for a moment.
“Some one’s just gone
through,” he gulped. And even as he said it he knew who the some one was. The
conviction just dropped into him. “It’s Grandfather; he knows I’ve got his
stick. He wants it!” On the heels of this flashed instantly another amazing
certainty. “He sleeps in there. He’s having dreams. That’s what being dead
means.”
His first impulse, then,
took the form of, “I must let Father know; it’ll make him burst for joy”; but
his second was for himself—to finish his adventure. And it was this, naturally
enough, that gained the day. He could tell his father later. His first duty was
plainly to go through the door into the Other Wing. He must give the stick back
to its owner. He must hand it back.
The test of will and
character came now. Tim had imagination, and so knew the meaning of fear; but
there was nothing craven in him. He could howl and scream and stamp like any
other person of his age when the occasion called for such behaviour, but such
occasions were due to temper roused by a thwarted will, and the histrionics
were half “pretended” to produce a calculated effect. There was no one to
thwart his will at present. He also knew how to be afraid of Nothing, to be
afraid without ostensible cause, that is—which was merely “nerves.” He could
have “the shudders” with the best of them.
But, when a real thing
faced him, Tim’s character emerged to meet it. He would clench his hands, brace
his muscles, set his teeth—and wish to heaven he was bigger. But he would not
flinch. Being imaginative, he lived the worst a dozen times before it happened,
yet in the final crash he stood up like a man. He had that highest
pluck—the courage of a sensitive temperament. And at this particular juncture,
somewhat ticklish for a boy of eight or nine, it did not fail him. He lifted
the cane and pushed the swinging door wide open. Then he walked through it—into
the Other Wing.
3
The green baize door
swung to behind him; he was even sufficiently master of himself to turn and
close it with a steady hand, because he did not care to hear the series of
muffled thuds its lessening swings would cause. But he realised clearly his
position, knew he was doing a tremendous thing.
Holding the cane between
fingers very tightly clenched, he advanced bravely along the corridor that
stretched before him. And all fear left him from that moment, replaced, it
seemed, by a mild and exquisite surprise. His footsteps made no sound, he
walked on air; instead of darkness, or the twilight he expected, a diffused and
gentle light that seemed like the silver on the lawn when a half-moon sails a
cloudless sky, lay everywhere. He knew his way, moreover, knew exactly where he
was and whither he was going. The corridor was as familiar to him as the floor
of his own bedroom; he recognised the shape and length of it; it agreed exactly
with the map he had constructed long ago. Though he had never, to the best of his
knowledge, entered it before, he knew with intimacy its every detail.
And thus the surprise he
felt was mild and far from disconcerting. “I’m here again!” was the kind of
thought he had. It was how he got here that caused the faint
surprise, apparently. He no longer swaggered, however, but walked carefully,
and half on tiptoe, holding the ivory handle of the cane with a kind of
affectionate respect. And as he advanced, the light closed softly up behind
him, obliterating the way by which he had come. But this he did not know,
because he did not look behind him. He only looked in front, where the corridor
stretched its silvery length towards the great chamber where he knew the cane
must be surrendered. The person who had preceded him down this ancient
corridor, passing through the green baize door just before he reached it, this
person, his father’s father, now stood in that great chamber, waiting to
receive his own. Tim knew it as surely as he knew he breathed. At the far end
he even made out the larger patch of silvery light which marked its gaping
doorway.
There was another thing
he knew as well—that this corridor he moved along between rooms with
fast-closed doors, was the Nightmare Corridor; often and often he had traversed
it; each room was occupied. “This is the Nightmare Passage,” he whispered to
himself, “but I know the Ruler—it doesn’t matter. None of them can get out or
do anything.” He heard them, none the less, inside, as he passed by; he heard
them scratching to get out. The feeling of security made him reckless; he took
unnecessary risks; he brushed the panels as he passed. And the love of keen
sensation for its own sake, the desire to feel “an awful thrill,” tempted him
once so sharply that he raised his stick and poked a fast-shut door with it!
He was not prepared for
the result, but he gained the sensation and the thrill. For the door opened
with instant swiftness half an inch, a hand emerged, caught the stick and tried
to draw it in. Tim sprang back as if he had been struck. He pulled at the ivory
handle with all his strength, but his strength was less than nothing. He tried
to shout, but his voice had gone. A terror of the moon came over him, for he
was unable to loosen his hold of the handle; his fingers had become a part of
it. An appalling weakness turned him helpless. He was dragged inch by inch
towards the fearful door. The end of the stick was already through the narrow,
crack. He could not see the hand that pulled, but he knew it was terrific.
He understood now why the world was strange, why horses galloped furiously, and
why trains whistled as they raced through stations. All the comedy and terror
of nightmare gripped his heart with pincers made of ice. The disproportion was
abominable. The final collapse rushed over him when, without a sign of warning,
the door slammed silently, and between the jamb and the wall the cane was
crushed as flat as if it were a bulrush. So irresistible was the force behind
the door that the solid stick just went flat as a stalk of a bulrush.
He looked at it.
It was a bulrush.
He did not laugh; the
absurdity was so distressingly unnatural. The horror of finding a bulrush where
he had expected a polished cane—this hideous and appalling detail held the
nameless horror of the nightmare. It betrayed him utterly. Why had he not
always known really that the stick was not a stick, but a thin and hollow
reed ...?
Then the cane was safely
in his hand, unbroken. He stood looking at it. The Nightmare was in full swing.
He heard another door opening behind his back, a door he had not touched. There
was just time to see a hand thrusting and waving dreadfully, familiarly, at him
through the narrow crack—just time to realise that this was another Nightmare
acting in atrocious concert with the first, when he saw closely beside him,
towering to the ceiling, the protective, kindly Figure that visited his
bedroom. In the turning movement he made to meet the attack, he became aware of
her. And his terror passed. It was a nightmare terror merely. The infinite
horror vanished. Only the comedy remained. He smiled.
He saw her dimly only,
she was so vast, but he saw her, the Ruler of the Other Wing at last, and knew
that he was safe again. He gazed with a tremendous love and wonder, trying to
see her clearly; but the face was hidden far aloft and seemed to melt into the
sky beyond the roof. He discerned that she was larger than the Night, only
far, far softer, with wings that folded above him more tenderly even than his
mother’s arms; that there were points of light like stars among the feathers,
and that she was vast enough to cover millions and millions of people all at
once. Moreover, she did not fade or go, so far as he could see, but spread
herself in such a way that he lost sight of her. She spread over the entire Wing. ...
And Tim remembered that
this was all quite natural really. He had often and often been down this
corridor before; the Nightmare Corridor was no new experience; it had to be
faced as usual. Once knowing what hid inside the rooms, he was bound to tempt them
out. They drew, enticed, attracted him; this was their power. It was their
special strength that they could suck him helplessly towards them, and that he
was obliged to go. He understood exactly why he was tempted to tap with the
cane upon their awful doors, but, having done so, he had accepted the challenge
and could now continue his journey quietly and safely. The Ruler of the Other
Wing had taken him in charge.
A delicious sense of
carelessness came on him. There was softness as of water in the solid things
about him, nothing that could hurt or bruise. Holding the cane firmly by its
ivory handle, he went forward along the corridor, walking as on air.
The end was quickly
reached: He stood upon the threshold of the mighty chamber where he knew the
owner of the cane was waiting; the long corridor lay behind him, in front he
saw the spacious dimensions of a lofty hall that gave him the feeling of being
in the Crystal Palace, Euston Station, or St. Paul’s. High, narrow windows, cut
deeply into the wall, stood in a row upon the other side; an enormous open
fireplace of burning logs was on his right; thick tapestries hung from the
ceiling to the floor of stone; and in the centre of the chamber was a
massive table of dark, shining wood, great chairs with carved stiff backs set
here and there beside it. And in the biggest of these throne-like chairs there
sat a figure looking at him gravely—the figure of an old, old man.
Yet there was no
surprise in the boy’s fast-beating heart; there was a thrill of pleasure and
excitement only, a feeling of satisfaction. He had known quite well the figure
would be there, known also it would look like this exactly. He stepped forward
on to the floor of stone without a trace of fear or trembling, holding the
precious cane in two hands now before him, as though to present it to its
owner. He felt proud and pleased. He had run risks for this.
And the figure rose
quietly to meet him, advancing in a stately manner over the hard stone floor.
The eyes looked gravely, sweetly down at him, the aquiline nose stood out. Tim
knew him perfectly: the knee-breeches of shining satin, the gleaming buckles on
the shoes, the neat dark stockings, the lace and ruffles about neck and wrists,
the coloured waistcoat opening so widely—all the details of the picture over
father’s mantelpiece, where it hung between two Crimean bayonets, were
reproduced in life before his eyes at last. Only the polished cane with the
ivory handle was not there.
Tim went three steps
nearer to the advancing figure and held out both his hands with the cane laid
crosswise on them.
“I’ve brought it,
Grandfather,” he said, in a faint but clear and steady tone; “here it is.”
And the other stooped a
little, put out three fingers half concealed by falling lace, and took it by
the ivory handle. He made a courtly bow to Tim. He smiled, but though there was
pleasure, it was a grave, sad smile. He spoke then: the voice was slow and very
deep. There was a delicate softness in it, the suave politeness of an older
day.
“Thank you,” he said; “I
value it. It was given to me by my grandfather. I forgot it when I——” His voice
grew indistinct a little.
“Yes?” said Tim.
“When I—left,” the old
gentleman repeated.
“Oh,” said Tim, thinking
how beautiful and kind the gracious figure was.
The old man ran his
slender fingers carefully along the cane, feeling the polished surface with
satisfaction. He lingered specially over the smoothness of the ivory handle. He
was evidently very pleased.
“I was not quite
myself—er—at the moment,” he went on gently; “my memory failed me somewhat.” He
sighed, as though an immense relief was in him.
“I forget
things, too—sometimes,” Tim mentioned sympathetically. He simply loved his
grandfather. He hoped—for a moment—he would be lifted up and kissed. “I’m awfully glad
I brought it,” he faltered—“that you’ve got it again.”
The other turned his
kind grey eyes upon him; the smile on his face was full of gratitude as he
looked down.
“Thank you, my boy. I am
truly and deeply indebted to you. You courted danger for my sake. Others have
tried before, but the Nightmare Passage—er——” He broke off. He tapped the stick
firmly on the stone flooring, as though to test it. Bending a trifle, he put
his weight upon it. “Ah!” he exclaimed with a short sigh of relief, “I can
now——”
His voice again grew
indistinct; Tim did not catch the words.
“Yes?” he asked again,
aware for the first time that a touch of awe was in his heart.
“—get about again,” the
other continued very low. “Without my cane,” he added, the voice failing with
each word the old lips uttered, “I could not ... possibly ... allow myself
... to be seen. It was indeed ... deplorable ... unpardonable of me ... to
forget in such a way. Zounds, sir ...! I—I ...”
His voice sank away
suddenly into a sound of wind. He straightened up, tapping the iron ferrule of
his cane on the stones in a series of loud knocks. Tim felt a strange sensation
creep into his legs. The queer words frightened him a little.
The old man took a step
towards him. He still smiled, but there was a new meaning in the smile. A
sudden earnestness had replaced the courtly, leisurely manner. The next words
seemed to blow down upon the boy from above, as though a cold wind brought them
from the sky outside.
Yet the words, he knew,
were kindly meant, and very sensible. It was only the abrupt change that
startled him. Grandfather, after all, was but a man! The distant sound recalled
something in him to that outside world from which the cold wind blew.
“My eternal thanks to
you,” he heard, while the voice and face and figure seemed to withdraw deeper
and deeper into the heart of the mighty chamber. “I shall not forget your
kindness and your courage. It is a debt I can, fortunately, one day repay. ...
But now you had best return and with dispatch. For your head and arm lie
heavily on the table, the documents are scattered, there is a cushion fallen
... and my son is in the house. ... Farewell! You had best leave me quickly.
See! She stands behind you, waiting. Go with her! Go now ...!”
The entire scene had
vanished even before the final words were uttered. Tim felt empty space about
him. A vast, shadowy Figure bore him through it as with mighty wings. He flew,
he rushed, he remembered nothing more—until he heard another voice and felt a
heavy hand upon his shoulder.
“Tim, you rascal! What
are you doing in my study? And in the dark, like this!”
He looked up into his
father’s face without a word. He felt dazed. The next minute his father had
caught him up and kissed him.
“Ragamuffin! How did you
guess I was coming back to-night?” He shook him playfully and kissed his
tumbling hair. “And you’ve been asleep, too, into the bargain. Well—how’s
everything at home—eh? Jack’s coming back from school to-morrow, you know, and
...”
4
Jack came home, indeed,
the following day, and when the Easter holidays were over, the governess stayed
abroad and Tim went off to adventures of another kind in the preparatory school
for Wellington. Life slipped rapidly along with him; he grew into a man; his
mother and his father died; Jack followed them within a little space; Tim
inherited, married, settled down into his great possessions—and opened up the
Other Wing. The dreams of imaginative boyhood all had faded; perhaps he had
merely put them away, or perhaps he had forgotten them. At any rate, he never
spoke of such things now, and when his Irish wife mentioned her belief that the
old country house possessed a family ghost, even declaring that she had met an
Eighteenth Century figure of a man in the corridors, “an old, old man who bends
down upon a stick”—Tim only laughed and said:
“That’s as it ought to
be! And if these awful land-taxes force us to sell some day, a respectable
ghost will increase the market value.”
But one night he woke
and heard a tapping on the floor. He sat up in bed and listened. There was a
chilly feeling down his back. Belief had long since gone out of him; he felt
uncannily afraid. The sound came nearer and nearer; there were light footsteps
with it. The door opened—it opened a little wider, that is, for it already stood
ajar—and there upon the threshold stood a figure that it seemed he knew.
He saw the face as with all the vivid sharpness of reality. There was a smile
upon it, but a smile of warning and alarm. The arm was raised. Tim saw the
slender hand, lace falling down upon the long, thin fingers, and in them,
tightly gripped, a polished cane. Shaking the cane twice to and fro in the air,
the face thrust forward, spoke certain words, and—vanished. But the words were
inaudible; for, though the lips distinctly moved, no sound, apparently, came
from them.
And Tim sprang out of
bed. The room was full of darkness. He turned the light on. The door, he saw,
was shut as usual. He had, of course, been dreaming. But he noticed a curious
odour in the air. He sniffed it once or twice—then grasped the truth. It was a
smell of burning!
Fortunately, he awoke
just in time. ...
He was acclaimed a hero
for his promptitude. After many days, when the damage was repaired, and nerves
had settled down once more into the calm routine of country life, he told the
story to his wife—the entire story. He told the adventure of his imaginative
boyhood with it. She asked to see the old family cane. And it was this request
of hers that brought back to memory a detail Tim had entirely forgotten all
these years. He remembered it suddenly again—the loss of the cane, the hubbub
his father kicked up about it, the endless, futile search. For the stick had
never been found, and Tim, who was questioned very closely concerning it, swore
with all his might that he had not the smallest notion where it was. Which was,
of course, the truth.
VII.THE OCCUPANT OF THE ROOM
He arrived late at night by the yellow
diligence, stiff and cramped after the toilsome ascent of three slow hours. The
village, a single mass of shadow, was already asleep. Only in front of the
little hotel was there noise and light and bustle—for a moment. The horses,
with tired, slouching gait, crossed the road and disappeared into the stable of
their own accord, their harness trailing in the dust; and the lumbering
diligence stood for the night where they had dragged it—the body of a great
yellow-sided beetle with broken legs.
In spite of his physical
weariness the schoolmaster, revelling in the first hours of his ten-guinea
holiday, felt exhilarated. For the high Alpine valley was marvellously still;
stars twinkled over the torn ridges of the Dent du Midi where spectral snows
gleamed against rocks that looked like solid ink; and the keen air smelt of
pine forests, dew-soaked pastures, and freshly sawn wood. He took it all in
with a kind of bewildered delight for a few minutes, while the other three
passengers gave directions about their luggage and went to their rooms. Then he
turned and walked over the coarse matting into the glare of the hall, only just
able to resist stopping to examine the big mountain map that hung upon the wall
by the door.
And, with a sudden
disagreeable shock, he came down from the ideal to the actual. For at the
inn—the only inn—there was no vacant room. Even the available sofas were
occupied. ...
How stupid he had been
not to write! Yet it had been impossible, he remembered, for he had come
to the decision suddenly that morning in Geneva, enticed by the brilliance of
the weather after a week of rain.
They talked endlessly,
this gold-braided porter and the hard-faced old woman—her face was hard, he
noticed—gesticulating all the time, and pointing all about the village with
suggestions that he ill understood, for his French was limited and their patois was
fearful.
“There!”—he might
find a room, “or there! But we are, hélas full—more
full than we care about. To-morrow, perhaps—if So-and-So give up their
rooms——!” And then, with much shrugging of shoulders, the hard-faced old woman
stared at the gold-braided porter, and the porter stared sleepily at the
schoolmaster.
At length, however, by
some process of hope he did not himself understand, and following directions
given by the old woman that were utterly unintelligible, he went out into the
street and walked towards a dark group of houses she had pointed out to him. He
only knew that he meant to thunder at a door and ask for a room. He was too
weary to think out details. The porter half made to go with him, but turned
back at the last moment to speak with the old woman. The houses sketched
themselves dimly in the general blackness. The air was cold. The whole valley
was filled with the rush and thunder of falling water. He was thinking vaguely
that the dawn could not be very far away, and that he might even spend the
night wandering in the woods, when there was a sharp noise behind him and he
turned to see a figure hurrying after him. It was the porter—running.
And in the little hall
of the inn there began again a confused three-cornered conversation, with
frequent muttered colloquy and whispered asides in patois between
the woman and the porter—the net result of which was that, “If Monsieur
did not object—there was a room, after all, on the first
floor—only it was in a sense ‘engaged.’ That is to say——”
But the schoolmaster
took the room without inquiring too closely into the puzzle that had somehow
provided it so suddenly. The ethics of hotel-keeping had nothing to do with
him. If the woman offered him quarters it was not for him to argue with her
whether the said quarters were legitimately hers to offer.
But the porter,
evidently a little thrilled, accompanied the guest up to the room and supplied
in a mixture of French and English details omitted by the landlady—and Minturn,
the schoolmaster, soon shared the thrill with him, and found himself in the
atmosphere of a possible tragedy.
All who know the
peculiar excitement that belongs to high mountain valleys where dangerous
climbing is a chief feature of the attractions, will understand a certain faint
element of high alarm that goes with the picture. One looks up at the desolate,
soaring ridges and thinks involuntarily of the men who find their pleasure for
days and nights together scaling perilous summits among the clouds, and
conquering inch by inch the icy peaks that for ever shake their dark terror in
the sky. The atmosphere of adventure, spiced with the possible horror of a very
grim order of tragedy, is inseparable from any imaginative contemplation of the
scene; and the idea Minturn gleaned from the half-frightened porter lost
nothing by his ignorance of the language. This Englishwoman, the real occupant
of the room, had insisted on going without a guide. She had left just before
daybreak two days before—the porter had seen her start—and ... she had not
returned! The route was difficult and dangerous, yet not impossible for a
skilled climber, even a solitary one. And the Englishwoman was an experienced
mountaineer. Also, she was self-willed, careless of advice, bored by warnings,
self-confident to a degree. Queer, moreover; for she kept entirely to herself,
and sometimes remained in her room with locked doors, admitting no one,
for days together: a “crank,” evidently, of the first water.
This much Minturn
gathered clearly enough from the porter’s talk while his luggage was brought in
and the room set to rights; further, too, that the search party had gone out and might,
of course, return at any moment. In which case—— Thus the room was empty, yet still
hers. “If Monsieur did not object—if the risk he ran of having to turn out
suddenly in the night——” It was the loquacious porter who furnished the details
that made the transaction questionable; and Minturn dismissed the loquacious
porter as soon as possible, and prepared to get into the hastily arranged bed
and snatch all the hours of sleep he could before he was turned out.
At first, it must be
admitted, he felt uncomfortable—distinctly uncomfortable. He was in some one
else’s room. He had really no right to be there. It was in the nature of an
unwarrantable intrusion; and while he unpacked he kept looking over his
shoulder as though some one were watching him from the corners. Any moment, it
seemed, he would hear a step in the passage, a knock would come at the door,
the door would open, and there he would see this vigorous Englishwoman looking
him up and down with anger. Worse still—he would hear her voice asking him what
he was doing in her room—her bedroom. Of course, he had an adequate explanation,
but still——!
Then, reflecting that he
was already half undressed, the humour of it flashed for a second across his
mind, and he laughed—quietly. And at once, after that laughter, under
his breath, came the sudden sense of tragedy he had felt before. Perhaps, even
while he smiled, her body lay broken and cold upon those awful heights, the
wind of snow playing over her hair, her glazed eyes staring sightless up to the
stars. ... It made him shudder. The sense of this woman whom he had never seen,
whose name even he did not know, became extraordinarily real. Almost he
could imagine that she was somewhere in the room with him, hidden, observing
all he did.
He opened the door
softly to put his boots outside, and when he closed it again he turned the key.
Then he finished unpacking and distributed his few things about the room. It
was soon done; for, in the first place, he had only a small Gladstone and a
knapsack, and secondly, the only place where he could spread his clothes was
the sofa. There was no chest of drawers, and the cupboard, an unusually large
and solid one, was locked. The Englishwoman’s things had evidently been hastily
put away in it. The only sign of her recent presence was a bunch of faded Alpenrosen standing
in a glass jar upon the washhand stand. This, and a certain faint perfume, were
all that remained. In spite, however, of these very slight evidences, the whole
room was pervaded with a curious sense of occupancy that he found exceedingly
distasteful. One moment the atmosphere seemed subtly charged with a “just left”
feeling; the next it was a queer awareness of “still here” that made him turn
cold and look hurriedly behind him.
Altogether, the room
inspired him with a singular aversion, and the strength of this aversion seemed
the only excuse for his tossing the faded flowers out of the window, and then
hanging his mackintosh upon the cupboard door in such a way as to screen it as
much as possible from view. For the sight of that big, ugly cupboard, filled
with the clothing of a woman who might then be beyond any further need of
covering—thus his imagination insisted on picturing it—touched in him a
startled sense of the Incongruous that did not stop there, but crept through
his mind gradually till it merged somehow into a sense of a rather grotesque
horror. At any rate, the sight of that cupboard was offensive, and he covered
it almost instinctively. Then, turning out the electric light, he got into bed.
But the instant the room
was dark he realised that it was more than he could stand; for, with the
blackness, there came a sudden rush of cold that he found it hard to explain.
And the odd thing was that, when he lit the candle beside his bed, he noticed
that his hand trembled.
This, of course, was too
much. His imagination was taking liberties and must be called to heel. Yet the
way he called it to order was significant, and its very deliberateness betrayed
a mind that has already admitted fear. And fear, once in, is difficult to
dislodge. He lay there upon his elbow in bed and carefully took note of all the
objects in the room—with the intention, as it were, of taking an inventory of
everything his senses perceived, then drawing a line, adding them up finally,
and saying with decision, “That’s all the room contains! I’ve counted every single
thing. There is nothing more. Now—I may sleep in peace!”
And it was during this
absurd process of enumerating the furniture of the room that the dreadful sense
of distressing lassitude came over him that made it difficult even to finish
counting. It came swiftly, yet with an amazing kind of violence that
overwhelmed him softly and easily with a sensation of enervating weariness hard
to describe. And its first effect was to banish fear. He no longer possessed
enough energy to feel really afraid or nervous. The cold remained, but the
alarm vanished. And into every corner of his usually vigorous personality crept
the insidious poison of a muscular fatigue—at first—that in a
few seconds, it seemed, translated itself into spiritual inertia.
A sudden consciousness of the foolishness, the crass futility, of life, of
effort, of fighting—of all that makes life worth living, shot into every fibre
of his being, and left him utterly weak. A spirit of black pessimism that was
not even vigorous enough to assert itself, invaded the secret chambers of his
heart. ...
Every picture that
presented itself to his mind came dressed in grey shadows: those bored and
sweating horses toiling up the ascent to—nothing! that hard-faced landlady
taking so much trouble to let her desire for gain conquer her sense of
morality—for a few francs! That gold-braided porter, so talkative, fussy,
energetic, and so anxious to tell all he knew! What was the use of them all?
And for himself, what in the world was the good of all the labour and drudgery
he went through in that preparatory school where he was junior master? What
could it lead to? Wherein lay the value of so much uncertain toil, when the
ultimate secrets of life were hidden and no one knew the final goal? How
foolish was effort, discipline, work! How vain was pleasure! How trivial the
noblest life! ...
With a fearful jump that
nearly upset the candle Minturn pulled himself together. Such vicious thoughts
were usually so remote from his normal character that the sudden vile invasion
produced a swift reaction. Yet, only for a moment. Instantly, again, the black
depression descended upon him like a wave. His work—it could lead to nothing
but the dreary labour of a small headmastership after all—seemed as vain and
foolish as his holiday in the Alps. What an idiot he had been, to be sure, to
come out with a knapsack merely to work himself into a state of exhaustion
climbing over toilsome mountains that led to nowhere—resulted in nothing. A
dreariness of the grave possessed him. Life was a ghastly fraud! Religion
childish humbug! Everything was merely a trap—a trap of death; a coloured toy
that Nature used as a decoy! But a decoy for what? For nothing! There was no
meaning in anything. The only real thing was—DEATH. And the
happiest people were those who found it soonest.
Then why wait for it to
come?
He sprang out of bed,
thoroughly frightened. This was horrible. Surely mere physical fatigue could
not produce a world so black, an outlook so dismal, a cowardice that
struck with such sudden hopelessness at the very roots of life? For, normally,
he was cheerful and strong, full of the tides of healthy living; and this
appalling lassitude swept the very basis of his personality into Nothingness
and the desire for death. It was like the development of a Secondary
Personality. He had read, of course, how certain persons who suffered shocks
developed thereafter entirely different characteristics, memory, tastes, and so
forth. It had all rather frightened him. Though scientific men vouched for it,
it was hardly to be believed. Yet here was a similar thing taking place in his
own consciousness. He was, beyond question, experiencing all the mental
variations of—some one else! It was un-moral. It was awful. It was—well,
after all, at the same time, it was uncommonly interesting.
And this interest he
began to feel was the first sign of his returning normal Self. For to feel
interest is to live, and to love life.
He sprang into the
middle of the room—then switched on the electric light. And the first thing
that struck his eye was—the big cupboard.
“Hallo! There’s
that—beastly cupboard!” he exclaimed to himself, involuntarily, yet aloud. It
held all the clothes, the swinging skirts and coats and summer blouses of the
dead woman. For he knew now—somehow or other—that she was dead. ...
At that moment, through
the open windows, rushed the sound of falling water, bringing with it a vivid
realisation of the desolate, snow-swept heights. He saw her—positively saw her!—lying
where she had fallen, the frost upon her cheeks, the snow-dust eddying about
her hair and eyes, her broken limbs pushing against the lumps of ice. For a
moment the sense of spiritual lassitude—of the emptiness of life—vanished
before this picture of broken effort—of a small human force battling pluckily,
yet in vain, against the impersonal and pitiless Potencies of Inanimate
Nature—and he found himself again, his normal self. Then, instantly, returned
again that terrible sense of cold, nothingness, emptiness. ...
And he found himself
standing opposite the big cupboard where her clothes were. He wanted to see
those clothes—things she had used and worn. Quite close he stood, almost
touching it. The next second he had touched it. His knuckles struck upon the
wood.
Why he knocked is hard
to say. It was an instinctive movement probably. Something in his deepest self
dictated it—ordered it. He knocked at the door. And the dull sound upon the
wood into the stillness of that room brought—horror. Why it should have done so
he found it as hard to explain to himself as why he should have felt impelled
to knock. The fact remains that when he heard the faint reverberation inside
the cupboard, it brought with it so vivid a realisation of the woman’s presence
that he stood there shivering upon the floor with a dreadful sense of
anticipation: he almost expected to hear an answering knock from within—the
rustling of the hanging skirts perhaps—or, worse still, to see the locked door
slowly open towards him.
And from that moment, he
declares that in some way or other he must have partially lost control of himself,
or at least of his better judgment; for he became possessed by such an
overmastering desire to tear open that cupboard door and see the clothes
within, that he tried every key in the room in the vain effort to unlock it,
and then, finally, before he quite realised what he was doing—rang the bell!
But, having rung the
bell for no obvious or intelligent reason at two o’clock in the morning, he
then stood waiting in the middle of the floor for the servant to come,
conscious for the first time that something outside his ordinary self had
pushed him towards the act. It was almost like an internal voice that
directed him ... and thus, when at last steps came down the passage and he
faced the cross and sleepy chambermaid, amazed at being summoned at such an
hour, he found no difficulty in the matter of what he should say. For the same
power that insisted he should open the cupboard door also impelled him to utter
words over which he apparently had no control.
“It’s not you I
rang for!” he said with decision and impatience, “I want a man. Wake the porter
and send him up to me at once—hurry! I tell you, hurry——!”
And when the girl had
gone, frightened at his earnestness, Minturn realised that the words surprised
himself as much as they surprised her. Until they were out of his mouth he had
not known what exactly he was saying. But now he understood that some force
foreign to his own personality was using his mind and organs. The black
depression that had possessed him a few moments before was also part of it. The
powerful mood of this vanished woman had somehow momentarily taken possession
of him—communicated, possibly, by the atmosphere of things in the room still
belonging to her. But even now, when the porter, without coat or collar, stood
beside him in the room, he did not understand why he insisted,
with a positive fury admitting no denial, that the key of that cupboard must be
found and the door instantly opened.
The scene was a curious
one. After some perplexed whispering with the chambermaid at the end of the
passage, the porter managed to find and produce the key in question. Neither he
nor the girl knew clearly what this excited Englishman was up to, or why he was
so passionately intent upon opening the cupboard at two o’clock in the morning.
They watched him with an air of wondering what was going to happen next. But
something of his curious earnestness, even of his late fear, communicated
itself to them, and the sound of the key grating in the lock made them both
jump.
They held their breath as
the creaking door swung slowly open. All heard the clatter of that other key as
it fell against the wooden floor—within. The cupboard had been locked from
the inside. But it was the scared housemaid, from her position in the
corridor, who first saw—and with a wild scream fell crashing against the
bannisters.
The porter made no
attempt to save her. The schoolmaster and himself made a simultaneous rush
towards the door, now wide open. They, too, had seen.
There were no clothes,
skirts or blouses on the pegs, but, all by itself, from an iron hook in the
centre, they saw the body of the Englishwoman hanging by the neck, the head
bent horribly forwards, the tongue protruding. Jarred by the movement of
unlocking, the body swung slowly round to face them. ... Pinned upon the inside
of the door was a hotel envelope with the following words pencilled in
straggling writing:
“Tired—unhappy—hopelessly
depressed. ... I cannot face life any longer. ... All is black. I must put an
end to it. ... I meant to do it on the mountains, but was afraid. I slipped
back to my room unobserved. This way is easiest and best. ...”
VIII.CAIN’S
ATONEMENT
So many thousands to-day have deliberately
put Self aside, and are ready to yield their lives for an ideal, that it is not
surprising a few of them should have registered experiences of a novel order.
For to step aside from Self is to enter a larger world, to be open to new
impressions. If Powers of Good exist in the universe at all, they can hardly be
inactive at the present time. ...
The case of two men, who
may be called Jones and Smith, occurs to the mind in this connection. Whether a
veil actually was lifted for a moment, or whether the tension of long and
terrible months resulted in an exaltation of emotion, the experience claims
significance. Smith, to whom the experience came, holds the firm belief that it
was real. Jones, though it involved him too, remained unaware.
It is a somewhat
personal story, their peculiar relationship dating from early youth: a kind of
unwilling antipathy was born between them, yet an antipathy that had no touch
of hate or even of dislike. It was rather in the nature of an instinctive
rivalry. Some tie operated that flung them ever into the same arena with
strange persistence, and ever as opponents. An inevitable fate delighted to
throw them together in a sense that made them rivals; small as well as large
affairs betrayed this malicious tendency of the gods. It showed itself in
earliest days, at school, at Cambridge, in travel, even in house-parties and
the lighter social intercourse. Though distant cousins, their families were not
intimate, and there was no obvious reason why their paths should fall so
persistently together. Yet their paths did so, crossing and recrossing in the
way described. Sooner or later, in all his undertakings, Smith would note the
shadow of Jones darkening the ground in front of him; and later, when called to
the Bar in his chosen profession, he found most frequently that the learned
counsel in opposition to him was the owner of this shadow, Jones. In another
matter, too, they became rivals, for the same girl, oddly enough, attracted
both, and though she accepted neither offer of marriage (during Smith’s
lifetime!), the attitude between them was that of unwilling rivals. For they
were friends as well.
Jones, it appears, was
hardly aware that any rivalry existed; he did not think of Smith as an
opponent, and as an adversary, never. He did notice, however, the constantly
recurring meetings, for more than once he commented on them with good-humoured
amusement. Smith, on the other hand, was conscious of a depth and strength in
the tie that certainly intrigued him; being of a thoughtful, introspective
nature, he was keenly sensible of the strange competition in their lives, and
sought in various ways for its explanation, though without success. The desire
to find out was very strong in him. And this was natural enough, owing to the
singular fact that in all their battles he was the one to lose. Invariably
Jones got the best of every conflict. Smith always paid; sometimes he paid with
interest.
Occasionally, too, he
seemed forced to injure himself while contributing to his cousin’s success. It
was very curious. He reflected much upon it; he wondered what the origin of
their tie and rivalry might be, but especially why it was that he invariably
lost, and why he was so often obliged to help his rival to the point even of
his own detriment. Tempted to bitterness sometimes, he did not yield to it,
however; the relationship remained frank and pleasant; if anything, it
deepened.
He remembered once, for
instance, giving his cousin a chance introduction which yet led, a little
later, to the third party offering certain evidence which lost him an important
case—Jones, of course, winning it. The third party, too, angry at being dragged
into the case, turned hostile to him, thwarting various subsequent projects. In
no other way could Jones have procured this particular evidence; he did not
know of its existence even. That chance introduction did it all. There was
nothing the least dishonourable on the part of Jones—it was just the chance of
the dice. The dice were always loaded against Smith—and there were other
instances of similar kind.
About this time,
moreover, a singular feeling that had lain vaguely in his mind for some years
past, took more definite form. It suddenly assumed the character of a
conviction, that yet had no evidence to support it. A voice, long whispering in
the depths of him, became much louder, grew into a statement that he accepted
without further ado: “I’m paying off a debt,” he phrased it, “an old, old debt
is being discharged. I owe him this—my help and so forth.” He accepted it, that
is, as just; and this certainty of justice kept sweet his heart and mind,
shutting the door on bitterness or envy. The thought, however, though it
recurred persistently with each encounter, brought no explanation.
When the war broke out
both offered their services; as members of the O.T.C., they got commissions
quickly; but it was a chance remark of Smith’s that made his friend join the
very regiment he himself was in. They trained together, were in the same
retreats and the same advances together. Their friendship deepened. Under the
stress of circumstances the tie did not dissolve, but strengthened. It was
indubitably real, therefore. Then, oddly enough, they were both wounded in the
same engagement.
And it was here the
remarkable fate that jointly haunted them betrayed itself more clearly
than in any previous incident of their long relationship—Smith was wounded in
the act of protecting his cousin. How it happened is confusing to a layman, but
each apparently was leading a bombing-party, and the two parties came together.
They found themselves shoulder to shoulder, both brimmed with that pluck which
is complete indifference to Self; they exchanged a word of excited greeting;
and the same second one of those rare opportunities of advantage presented
itself which only the highest courage could make use of. Neither, certainly,
was thinking of personal reward; it was merely that each saw the chance by
which instant heroism might gain a surprise advantage for their side. The risk
was heavy, but there was a chance; and success would mean a
decisive result, to say nothing of high distinction for the man who obtained
it—if he survived. Smith, being a few yards ahead of his cousin, had the moment
in his grasp. He was in the act of dashing forward when something made him
pause. A bomb in mid-air, flung from the opposing trench, was falling; it seemed
immediately above him; he saw that it would just miss himself, but land full
upon his cousin—whose head was turned the other way. By stretching out his
hand, Smith knew he could field it like a cricket ball. There was an interval
of a second and a half, he judged. He hesitated—perhaps a quarter of a
second—then he acted. He caught it. It was the obvious thing to do. He flung it
back into the opposing trench.
The rapidity of thought
is hard to realise. In that second and a half Smith was aware of many things:
He saved his cousin’s life unquestionably; unquestionably also Jones seized the
opportunity that otherwise was his cousin’s. But it was neither of these
reflections that filled Smith’s mind. The dominant impression was another. It
flashed into actual words inside his excited brain: “I must risk it. I owe
it to him—and more besides!” He was, further, aware of another impulse than the
obvious one. In the first fraction of a second it was overwhelmingly
established. And it was this: that the entire episode was familiar to him. A
subtle familiarity was present. All this had happened before. He had
already—somewhere, somehow—seen death descending upon his cousin from the air.
Yet with a difference. The “difference” escaped him; the familiarity was vivid.
That he missed the deadly detonators in making the catch, or that the fuse
delayed, he called good luck. He only remembers that he flung the gruesome
weapon back whence it had come, and that its explosion in the opposite trench
materially helped his cousin to find glory in the place of death. The slight
delay, however, resulted in his receiving a bullet through the chest—a bullet
he would not otherwise have received, presumably.
It was some days later,
gravely wounded, that he discovered his cousin in another bed across the
darkened floor. They exchanged remarks. Jones was already “decorated,” it
seemed, having snatched success from his cousin’s hands, while little aware
whose help had made it easier. ... And once again there stole across the inmost
mind of Smith that strange, insistent whisper: “I owed it to him ... but, by
God, I owe more than that ... I mean to pay it too ...!”
There was not a trace of
bitterness or envy now; only this profound conviction, of obscurest origin,
that it was right and absolutely just—full, honest repayment of a debt
incurred. Some ancient balance of account was being settled; there was no
“chance”; injustice and caprice played no role at all. ... And a deeper
understanding of life’s ironies crept into him; for if everything was just,
there was no room for whimpering.
And the voice persisted
above the sound of busy footsteps in the ward: “I owe it ... I’ll pay it
gladly ...!”
Through the pain and
weakness the whisper died away. He was exhausted. There were periods of
unconsciousness, but there were periods of half-consciousness as well;
then flashes of another kind of consciousness altogether, when, bathed in high,
soft light, he was aware of things he could not quite account for. He saw.
It was absolutely real. Only, the critical faculty was gone. He did not
question what he saw, as he stared across at his cousin’s bed. He knew. Perhaps
the beaten, worn-out body let something through at last. The nerves,
over-strained to numbness, lay very still. The physical system, battered and
depleted, made no cry. The clamour of the flesh was hushed. He was aware,
however, of an undeniable exaltation of the spirit in him, as he lay and gazed
towards his cousin’s bed. ...
Across the night of
time, it seemed to him, the picture stole before his inner eye with a certainty
that left no room for doubt. It was not the cells of memory in his brain of
To-day that gave up their dead, it was the eternal Self in him that remembered
and understood—the soul. ...
With that satisfaction
which is born of full comprehension, he watched the light glow and spread about
the little bed. Thick matting deadened the footsteps of nurses, orderlies,
doctors. New cases were brought in, “old” cases were carried out; he ignored
them; he saw only the light above his cousin’s bed grow stronger. He lay still
and stared. It came neither from the ceiling nor the floor; it unfolded like a
cloud of shining smoke. And the little lamp, the sheets, the figure framed
between them—all these slid cleverly away and vanished utterly. He stood in
another place that had lain behind all these appearances—a landscape with
wooded hills, a foaming river, the sun just sinking below the forest, and dusk
creeping from a gorge along the lonely banks. In the warm air there was a
perfume of great flowers and heavy-scented trees; there were fire-flies, and
the taste of spray from the tumbling river was on his lips. Across the water a
large bird, flapped its heavy wings, as it moved down-stream to find
another fishing place. For he and his companion had disturbed it as they broke
out of the thick foliage and reached the river-bank. The companion, moreover,
was his brother; they ever hunted together; there was a passionate link between
them born of blood and of affection—they were twins. ...
It all was as clear as
though of Yesterday. In his heart was the lust of the hunt; in his blood was
the lust of woman; and thick behind these lurked the jealousy and fierce desire
of a primitive day. But, though clear as of Yesterday, he knew that it was of long,
long ago. ... And his brother came up close beside him, resting his bloody
spear with a clattering sound against the boulders on the shore. He saw the
gleaming of the metal in the sunset, he saw the shining glitter of the spray
upon the boulders, he saw his brother’s eyes look straight into his own. And in
them shone a light that was neither the reflection of the sunset, nor the
excitement of the hunt just over.
“It escaped us,” said
his brother. “Yet I know my first spear struck.”
“It followed the fawn
that crossed,” was the reply. “Besides, we came down wind, thus giving it
warning. Our flocks, at any rate, are safer——”
The other laughed
significantly.
“It is not the safety of
our flocks that troubles me just now, brother,” he interrupted eagerly, while
the light burned more deeply in his eyes. “It is, rather, that she waits
for me by the fire across the river, and that I would get to her. With your
help added to my love,” he went on in a trusting voice, “the gods have shown me
the favour of true happiness!” He pointed with his spear to a camp-fire on the
farther bank, turning his head as he strode to plunge into the stream and swim
across.
For an instant, then,
the other felt his natural love turn into bitter hate. His own fierce passion,
unconfessed, concealed, burst into instant flame. That the girl should
become his brother’s wife sent the blood surging through his veins in fury. He
felt his life and all that he desired go down in ashes. ... He watched his
brother stride towards the water, the deer-skin cast across one naked
shoulder—when another object caught his practised eye. In mid-air it passed
suddenly, like a shining gleam; it seemed to hang a second; then it swept
swiftly forward past his head—and downward. It had leaped with a blazing fury
from the overhanging bank behind; he saw the blood still streaming from its
wounded flank. It must land—he saw it with a secret, awful pleasure—full upon
the striding figure, whose head was turned away!
The swiftness of that
leap, however, was not so swift but that he could easily have used his spear.
Indeed, he gripped it strongly. His skill, his strength, his aim—he knew them
well enough. But hate and love, fastening upon his heart, held all his muscles
still. He hesitated. He was no murderer, yet he paused. He heard the roar, the
ugly thud, the crash, the cry for help—too late ... and when, an instant
afterwards, his steel plunged into the great beast’s heart, the human heart and
life he might have saved lay still for ever. ... He heard the water rushing
past, an icy wind came down the gorge against his naked back, he saw the fire
shine upon the farther bank ... and the figure of a girl in skins was wading
across, seeking out the shallow places in the dusk, and calling wildly as she
came. ... Then darkness hid the entire landscape, yet a darkness that was
deeper, bluer than the velvet of the night alone. ...
And he shrieked aloud in
his remorseful anguish: “May the gods forgive me, for I did not mean it! Oh,
that I might undo ... that I might repay ...!”
That his cries disturbed
the weary occupants in more than one bed is certain, but he remembers chiefly
that a nurse was quickly by his side, and that something she gave him soothed
his violent pain and helped him into deeper sleep again. There was, he
noticed, anyhow, no longer the soft, clear, blazing light about his cousin’s
bed. He saw only the faint glitter of the oil-lamps down the length of the
great room. ...
And some weeks later he
went back to fight. The picture, however, never left his memory. It stayed with
him as an actual reality that was neither delusion nor hallucination. He
believed that he understood at last the meaning of the tie that had fettered
him and puzzled him so long. The memory of those far-off days of shepherding
beneath the stars of long ago remained vividly beside him. He kept his secret,
however. In many a talk with his cousin beneath the nearer stars of Flanders no
word of it ever passed his lips.
The friendship between
them, meanwhile, experienced a curious deepening, though unacknowledged in any
spoken words. Smith, at any rate, on his side, put into it an affection that
was a brave man’s love. He watched over his cousin. In the fighting especially,
when possible, he sought to protect and shield him, regardless of his own
personal safety. He delighted secretly in the honours his cousin had already
won. He himself was not yet even mentioned in dispatches, and no public
distinction of any kind had come his way.
His V.C.
eventually—well, he was no longer occupying his body when it was bestowed. He
had already “left.”... He was now conscious, possibly, of other experiences
besides that one of ancient, primitive days when he and his brother were
shepherding beneath other stars. But the reckless heroism which saved his
cousin under fire may later enshrine another memory which, at some far future
time, shall reawaken as a “hallucination” from a Past that to-day is called the
Present. ... The notion, at any rate, flashed across his mind before he “left.”
IX.AN
EGYPTIAN HORNET
The word has an angry, malignant sound that
brings the idea of attack vividly into the mind. There is a vicious sting about
it somewhere—even a foreigner, ignorant of the meaning, must feel it. A hornet
is wicked; it darts and stabs; it pierces, aiming without provocation for the
face and eyes. The name suggests a metallic droning of evil wings, fierce
flight, and poisonous assault. Though black and yellow, it sounds scarlet.
There is blood in it. A striped tiger of the air in concentrated form! There is
no escape—if it attacks.
In Egypt an ordinary bee
is the size of an English hornet, but the Egyptian hornet is enormous. It is
truly monstrous—an ominous, dying terror. It shares that universal quality of
the land of the Sphinx and Pyramids—great size. It is a formidable insect,
worse than scorpion or tarantula. The Rev. James Milligan, meeting one for the
first time, realised the meaning of another word as well, a word he used
prolifically in his eloquent sermons—devil.
One morning in April,
when the heat began to bring the insects out, he rose as usual betimes and went
across the wide stone corridor to his bath. The desert already glared in
through the open windows. The heat would be afflicting later in the day, but at
this early hour the cool north wind blew pleasantly down the hotel passages. It
was Sunday, and at half-past eight o’clock he would appear to conduct the
morning service for the English visitors. The floor of the passage-way was cold
beneath his feet in their thin native slippers of bright yellow. He was
neither young nor old; his salary was comfortable; he had a competency of his
own, without wife or children to absorb it; the dry climate had been
recommended to him; and—the big hotel took him in for next to nothing. And he
was thoroughly pleased with himself, for he was a sleek, vain, pompous,
well-advertised personality, but mean as a rat. No worries of any kind were on
his mind as, carrying sponge and towel, scented soap and a bottle of Scrubb’s
ammonia, he travelled amiably across the deserted, shining corridor to the
bathroom. And nothing went wrong with the Rev. James Milligan until he opened
the door, and his eye fell upon a dark, suspicious-looking object clinging to
the window-pane in front of him.
And even then, at first,
he felt no anxiety or alarm, but merely a natural curiosity to know exactly
what it was—this little clot of an odd-shaped, elongated thing that stuck there
on the wooden framework six feet before his aquiline nose. He went straight up
to it to see—then stopped dead. His heart gave a distinct, unclerical leap. His
lips formed themselves into unregenerate shape. He gasped: “Good God! What is
it?” For something unholy, something wicked as a secret sin, stuck there before
his eyes in the patch of blazing sunshine. He caught his breath.
For a moment he was
unable to move, as though the sight half fascinated him. Then, cautiously and
very slowly—stealthily, in fact—he withdrew towards the door he had just
entered. Fearful of making the smallest sound, he retraced his steps on tiptoe.
His yellow slippers shuffled. His dry sponge fell, and bounded till it settled,
rolling close beneath the horribly attractive object facing him. From the
safety of the open door, with ample space for retreat behind him, he paused and
stared. His entire being focused itself in his eyes. It was a hornet that he
saw. It hung there, motionless and threatening, between him and the bathroom
door. And at first he merely exclaimed—below his breath—“Good God! It’s an
Egyptian hornet!”
Being a man with a
reputation for decided action, however, he soon recovered himself. He was well
schooled in self-control. When people left his church at the beginning of the
sermon, no muscle of his face betrayed the wounded vanity and annoyance that
burned deep in his heart. But a hornet sitting directly in his path was a very
different matter. He realised in a flash that he was poorly clothed—in a word,
that he was practically half naked.
From a distance he
examined this intrusion of the devil. It was calm and very still. It was
wonderfully made, both before and behind. Its wings were folded upon its
terrible body. Long, sinuous things, pointed like temptation, barbed as well,
stuck out of it. There was poison, and yet grace, in its exquisite presentment.
Its shiny black was beautiful, and the yellow stripes upon its sleek, curved
abdomen were like the gleaming ornaments upon some feminine body of the
seductive world he preached against. Almost, he saw an abandoned dancer on the
stage. And then, swiftly in his impressionable soul, the simile changed, and he
saw instead more blunt and aggressive forms of destruction. The well-filled
body, tapering to a horrid point, reminded him of those perfect engines of
death that reduce hundreds to annihilation unawares—torpedoes, shells,
projectiles, crammed with secret, desolating powers. Its wings, its awful,
quiet head, its delicate, slim waist, its stripes of brilliant saffron—all
these seemed the concentrated prototype of abominations made cleverly by the
brain of man, and beautifully painted to disguise their invisible freight of
cruel death.
“Bah!” he exclaimed,
ashamed of his prolific imagination. “It’s only a hornet after all—an insect!”
And he contrived a hurried, careful plan. He aimed a towel at it, rolled up
into a ball—but did not throw it. He might miss. He remembered that his
ankles were unprotected. Instead, he paused again, examining the black and
yellow object in safe retirement near the door, as one day he hoped to watch
the world in leisurely retirement in the country. It did not move. It was fixed
and terrible. It made no sound. Its wings were folded. Not even the black
antennae, blunt at the tips like clubs, showed the least stir or tremble. It
breathed, however. He watched the rise and fall of the evil body; it breathed
air in and out as he himself did. The creature, he realised, had lungs and
heart and organs. It had a brain! Its mind was active all this time. It knew it
was being watched. It merely waited. Any second, with a whiz of fury, and with
perfect accuracy of aim, it might dart at him and strike. If he threw the towel
and missed—it certainly would.
There were other
occupants of the corridor, however, and a sound of steps approaching gave him
the decision to act. He would lose his bath if he hesitated much longer. He
felt ashamed of his timidity, though “pusillanimity” was the word thought
selected owing to the pulpit vocabulary it was his habit to prefer. He went
with extreme caution towards the bathroom door, passing the point of danger so
close that his skin turned hot and cold. With one foot gingerly extended, he
recovered his sponge. The hornet did not move a muscle. But—it had seen him
pass. It merely waited. All dangerous insects had that trick. It knew quite
well he was inside; it knew quite well he must come out a few minutes later; it
also knew quite well that he was—naked.
Once inside the little
room, he closed the door with exceeding gentleness, lest the vibration might
stir the fearful insect to attack. The bath was already filled, and he plunged
to his neck with a feeling of comparative security. A window into the outside
passage he also closed, so that nothing could possibly come in. And steam
soon charged the air and left its blurred deposit on the glass. For ten minutes
he could enjoy himself and pretend that he was safe. For ten minutes he did so.
He behaved carelessly, as though nothing mattered, and as though all the
courage in the world were his. He splashed and soaped and sponged, making a lot
of reckless noise. He got out and dried himself. Slowly the steam subsided, the
air grew clearer, he put on dressing-gown and slippers. It was time to go out.
Unable to devise any
further reason for delay, he opened the door softly half an inch—peeped out—and
instantly closed it again with a resounding bang. He had heard a drone of
wings. The insect had left its perch and now buzzed upon the floor directly in
his path. The air seemed full of stings; he felt stabs all over him; his
unprotected portions winced with the expectancy of pain. The beast knew he was
coming out, and was waiting for him. In that brief instant he had felt its
sting all over him, on his unprotected ankles, on his back, his neck, his
cheeks, in his eyes, and on the bald clearing that adorned his Anglican head.
Through the closed door he heard the ominous, dull murmur of his striped
adversary as it beat its angry wings. Its oiled and wicked sting shot in and
out with fury. Its deft legs worked. He saw its tiny waist already writhing
with the lust of battle. Ugh! That tiny waist! A moment’s steady nerve and he
could have severed that cunning body from the directing brain with one swift,
well-directed thrust. But his nerve had utterly deserted him.
Human motives, even in
the professedly holy, are an involved affair at any time. Just now, in the Rev.
James Milligan, they were quite inextricably mixed. He claims this explanation,
at any rate, in excuse of his abominable subsequent behaviour. For, exactly at
this moment, when he had decided to admit cowardice by ringing for the Arab
servant, a step was audible in the corridor outside, and courage came with it
into his disreputable heart. It was the step of the man he cordially
“disapproved of,” using the pulpit version of “hated and despised.” He had
overstayed his time, and the bath was in demand by Mr. Mullins. Mr. Mullins
invariably followed him at seven-thirty; it was now a quarter to eight. And Mr.
Mullins was a wretched drinking man—“a sot.”
In a flash the plan was
conceived and put into execution. The temptation, of course, was of the devil.
Mr. Milligan hid the motive from himself, pretending he hardly recognised it.
The plan was what men call a dirty trick; it was also irresistibly seductive.
He opened the door, stepped boldly, nose in the air, right over the hideous insect
on the floor, and fairly pranced into the outer passage. The brief transit
brought a hundred horrible sensations—that the hornet would rise and sting his
leg, that it would cling to his dressing-gown and stab his spine, that he would
step upon it and die, like Achilles, of a heel exposed. But with these, and
conquering them, was one other stronger emotion that robbed the lesser terrors
of their potency—that Mr. Mullins would run precisely the same risks five
seconds later, unprepared. He heard the gloating insect buzz and scratch the
oil-cloth. But it was behind him. He was safe!
“Good morning to you,
Mr. Mullins,” he observed with a gracious smile. “I trust I have not kept you
waiting.”
“Mornin’!” grunted
Mullins sourly in reply, as he passed him with a distinctly hostile and
contemptuous air. For Mullins, though depraved, perhaps, was an honest man,
abhorring parsons and making no secret of his opinions—whence the bitter
feeling.
All men, except those
very big ones who are supermen, have something astonishingly despicable in
them. The despicable thing in Milligan came uppermost now. He fairly chuckled.
He met the snub with a calm, forgiving smile, and continued his shambling gait
with what dignity he could towards his bedroom opposite. Then he turned
his head to see. His enemy would meet an infuriated hornet—an Egyptian
hornet!—and might not notice it. He might step on it. He might not. But he was
bound to disturb it, and rouse it to attack. The chances were enormously on the
clerical side. And its sting meant death.
“May God forgive me!”
ran subconsciously through his mind. And side by side with the repentant prayer
ran also a recognition of the tempter’s eternal skill: “I hope the devil it
will sting him!”
It happened very
quickly. The Rev. James Milligan lingered a moment by his door to watch. He saw
Mullins, the disgusting Mullins, step blithely into the bathroom passage; he
saw him pause, shrink back, and raise his arm to protect his face. He heard him
swear out aloud: “What’s the d——d thing doing here? Have I really got ’em
again——?” And then he heard him laugh—a hearty, guffawing laugh of genuine
relief—— “It’s real!”
The moment of revulsion
was overwhelming. It filled the churchly heart with anguish and bitter
disappointment. For a space he hated the whole race of men.
For the instant Mr.
Mullins realised that the insect was not a fiery illusion of his disordered
nerves, he went forward without the smallest hesitation. With his towel he
knocked down the flying terror. Then he stooped. He gathered up the venomous
thing his well-aimed blow had stricken so easily to the floor. He advanced with
it, held at arm’s length, to the window. He tossed it out carelessly. The
Egyptian hornet flew away uninjured, and Mr. Mullins—the Mr. Mullins who drank,
gave nothing to the church, attended no services, hated parsons, and proclaimed
the fact with enthusiasm—this same detestable Mr. Mullins went to his unearned
bath without a scratch. But first he saw his enemy standing in the doorway
across the passage, watching him—and understood. That was the awful part
of it. Mullins would make a story of it, and the story would go the round of
the hotel.
The Rev. James Milligan,
however, proved that his reputation for self-control was not undeserved. He
conducted morning service half an hour later with an expression of peace upon
his handsome face. He conquered all outward sign of inward spiritual vexation;
the wicked, he consoled himself, ever flourish like green bay trees. It was
notorious that the righteous never have any luck at all! That was bad enough.
But what was worse—and the Rev. James Milligan remembered for very long—was the
superior ease with which Mullins had relegated both himself and hornet to the
same level of comparative insignificance. Mullins ignored them both—which
proved that he felt himself superior. Infinitely worse than the sting of any
hornet in the world: he really was superior.
X.BY WATER
The night before young Larsen left to take up
his new appointment in Egypt he went to the clairvoyante. He neither believed
nor disbelieved. He felt no interest, for he already knew his past and did not
wish to know his future. “Just to please me, Jim,” the girl pleaded. “The woman
is wonderful. Before I had been five minutes with her she told me your initials,
so there must be something in it.” “She read your thought,” he
smiled indulgently. “Even I can do that!” But the girl was in earnest. He
yielded; and that night at his farewell dinner he came to give his report of
the interview.
The result was meagre and
unconvincing: money was coming to him, he was soon to make a voyage, and—he
would never marry. “So you see how silly it all is,” he laughed, for they were
to be married when his first promotion came. He gave the details, however,
making a little story of it in the way he knew she loved.
“But was that all, Jim?”
The girl asked it, looking rather hard into his face. “Aren’t you hiding
something from me?” He hesitated a moment, then burst out laughing at her
clever discernment. “There was a little more,” he confessed,
“but you take it all so seriously; I——”
He had to tell it then,
of course. The woman had told him a lot of gibberish about friendly and
unfriendly elements. “She said water was unfriendly to me; I was to be careful
of water, or else I should come to harm by it. Fresh water
only,” he hastened to add, seeing that the idea of shipwreck was in her mind.
“Drowning?” the girl
asked quickly.
“Yes,” he admitted with
reluctance, but still laughing; “she did say drowning, though drowning in no
ordinary way.”
The girl’s face showed
uneasiness a moment. “What does that mean—drowning in no ordinary way?” she
asked, a catch in her breath.
But that he could not
tell her, because he did not know himself. He gave, therefore, the exact words:
“You will drown, but will not know you drown.”
It was unwise of him. He
wished afterwards he had invented a happier report, or had kept this detail
back. “I’m safe in Egypt, anyhow,” he laughed. “I shall be a clever man if I
can find enough water in the desert to do me harm!” And all the way from
Trieste to Alexandria he remembered the promise she had extracted—that he would
never once go on the Nile unless duty made it imperative for him to do so. He
kept that promise like the literal, faithful soul he was. His love was equal to
the somewhat quixotic sacrifice it occasionally involved. Fresh water in Egypt
there was practically none other, and in any case the natrum works where his
duty lay had their headquarters some distance out into the desert. The river,
with its banks of welcome, refreshing verdure, was not even visible.
Months passed quickly,
and the time for leave came within measurable distance. In the long interval
luck had played the cards kindly for him, vacancies had occurred, early
promotion seemed likely, and his letters were full of plans to bring her out to
share a little house of their own. His health, however, had not improved; the
dryness did not suit him; even in this short period his blood had thinned, his
nervous system deteriorated, and, contrary to the doctor’s prophecy, the
waterless air had told upon his sleep. A damp climate liked him best, and once
the sun had touched him with its fiery finger.
His letters made no
mention of this. He described the life to her, the work, the sport, the
pleasant people, and his chances of increased pay and early marriage. And a
week before he sailed he rode out upon a final act of duty to inspect the
latest diggings his company were making. His course lay some twenty miles into
the desert behind El-Chobak and towards the limestone hills of Guebel Haidi,
and he went alone, carrying lunch and tea, for it was the weekly holiday of
Friday, and the men were not at work.
The accident was
ordinary enough. On his way back in the heat of early afternoon his pony
stumbled against a boulder on the treacherous desert film, threw him heavily,
broke the girth, bolted before he could seize the reins again, and left him
stranded some ten or twelve miles from home. There was a pain in his knee that
made walking difficult, a buzzing in his head that troubled sight and made the
landscape swim, while, worse than either, his provisions, fastened to the
saddle, had vanished with the frightened pony into those blazing leagues of
sand. He was alone in the Desert, beneath the pitiless afternoon sun, twelve
miles of utterly exhausting country between him and safety.
Under normal conditions
he could have covered the distance in four hours, reaching home by dark; but
his knee pained him so that a mile an hour proved the best he could possibly do.
He reflected a few minutes. The wisest course was to sit down and wait till the
pony told its obvious story to the stable, and help should come. And this was
what he did, for the scorching heat and glare were dangerous; they were
terrible; he was shaken and bewildered by his fall, hungry and weak into the
bargain; and an hour’s painful scrambling over the baked and burning little
gorges must have speedily caused complete prostration. He sat down and rubbed
his aching knee. It was quite a little adventure. Yet, though he knew the
Desert might not be lightly trifled with, he felt at the moment nothing more
than this—and the amusing description of it he would give in his
letter, or—intoxicating thought—by word of mouth. In the heat of the sun he
began to feel drowsy. A soft torpor crept over him. He dozed. He fell asleep.
It was a long, a
dreamless sleep ... for when he woke at length the sun had just gone down, the
dusk lay awfully upon the enormous desert, and the air was chilly. The cold had
waked him. Quickly, as though on purpose, the red glow faded from the sky; the
first stars shone; it was dark; the heavens were deep violet. He looked round
and realised that his sense of direction had gone entirely. Great hunger was in
him. The cold already was bitter as the wind rose, but the pain in his knee
having eased, he got up and walked a little—and in a moment lost sight of the
spot where he had been lying. The shadowy desert swallowed it. “Ah,” he
realised, “this is not an English field or moor. I’m in the Desert!” The safe
thing to do was to remain exactly where he was; only thus could the rescuers
find him; once he wandered he was done for. It was strange the search-party had
not yet arrived. To keep warm, however, he was compelled to move, so he made a
little pile of stones to mark the place, and walked round and round it in a
circle of some dozen yards’ diameter. He limped badly, and the hunger gnawed
dreadfully; but, after all, the adventure was not so terrible. The amusing side
of it kept uppermost still. Though fragile in body, his spirit was not unduly
timid or imaginative; he could last out the night, or, if the
worst came to the worst, the next day as well. But when he watched the little
group of stones, he saw that there were dozens of them, scores, hundreds,
thousands of these little groups of stones. The desert’s face, of course, is
thickly strewn with them. The original one was lost in the first five minutes.
So he sat down again. But the biting cold, and the wind that licked his very
skin beneath the light clothing, soon forced him up again. It was ominous; and
the night huge and shelterless. The shaft of green
zodiacal light that hung so strangely in the western sky for hours had faded
away; the stars were out in their bright thousands; no guide was anywhere; the
wind moaned and puffed among the sandy mounds; the vast sheet of desert
stretched appallingly upon the world; he heard the jackals cry. ...
And with the jackals’
cry came suddenly the unwelcome realisation that no play was in this adventure
any more, but that a bleak reality stared at him through the surrounding
darkness. He faced it—at bay. He was genuinely lost. Thought blocked in him. “I
must be calm and think,” he said aloud. His voice woke no echo; it was small
and dead; something gigantic ate it instantly. He got up and walked again. Why
did no one come? Hours had passed. The pony had long ago found its stable,
or—had it run madly in another direction altogether? He worked out
possibilities, tightening his belt. The cold was searching; he never had been,
never could be warm again; the hot sunshine of a few hours ago seemed the
merest dream. Unfamiliar with hardship, he knew not what to do, but he took his
coat and shirt off, vigorously rubbed his skin where the dried perspiration of
the afternoon still caused clammy shivers, swung his arms furiously like a
London cabman, and quickly dressed again. Though the wind upon his bare back
was fearful, he felt warmer a little. He lay down exhausted, sheltered by an
overhanging limestone crag, and took snatches of fitful dog’s-sleep, while the
wind drove overhead and the dry sand pricked his skin. One face continually was
near him; one pair of tender eyes; two dear hands smoothed him; he smelt the
perfume of light brown hair. It was all natural enough. His whole thought, in
his misery, ran to her in England—England where there were soft fresh grass,
big sheltering trees, hemlock and honeysuckle in the hedges—while the hard
black Desert guarded him, and consciousness dipped away at little
intervals under this dry and pitiless Egyptian sky. ...
It was perhaps five in
the morning when a voice spoke and he started up with a horrid jerk—the voice
of that clairvoyante woman. The sentence died away into the darkness, but one
word remained: Water! At first he wondered, but at once
explanation came. Cause and effect were obvious. The clue was physical. His
body needed water, and so the thought came up into his mind. He was thirsty.
This was the moment when
fear first really touched him. Hunger was manageable, more or less—for a day or
two, certainly. But thirst! Thirst and the Desert were an evil pair that, by
cumulative suggestion gathering since childhood days, brought terror in. Once
in the mind it could not be dislodged. In spite of his best efforts, the
ghastly thing grew passionately—because his thirst grew too. He had smoked
much; had eaten spiced things at lunch; had breathed in alkali with the dry,
scorched air. He searched for a cool flint pebble to put into his burning
mouth, but found only angular scraps of dusty limestone. There were no pebbles
here. The cold helped a little to counteract, but already he knew in himself
subconsciously the dread of something that was coming. What was it? He tried to
hide the thought and bury it out of sight. The utter futility of his tiny
strength against the power of the universe appalled him. And then he knew. The
merciless sun was on the way, already rising. Its return was like the presage
of execution to him. ...
It came. With true
horror he watched the marvellous swift dawn break over the sandy sea. The
eastern sky glowed hurriedly as from crimson fires. Ridges, not noticeable in
the starlight, turned black in endless series, like flat-topped billows of a
frozen ocean. Wide streaks of blue and yellow followed, as the sky dropped
sheets of faint light upon the wind-eaten cliffs and showed their under
sides. They did not advance; they waited till the sun was up—and then they
moved; they rose and sank; they shifted as the sunshine lifted them and the
shadows crept away. But in an hour there would be no shadows any more. There
would be no shade! ...
The little groups of
stones began to dance. It was horrible. The unbroken, huge expanse lay round
him, warming up, twelve hours of blazing hell to come. Already the monstrous
Desert glared, each bit familiar, since each bit was a repetition of the bit
before, behind, on either side. It laughed at guidance and direction. He rose
and walked; for miles he walked, though how many, north, south, or west, he knew
not. The frantic thing was in him now, the fury of the Desert; he took its
pace, its endless, tireless stride, the stride of the burning, murderous Desert
that is—waterless. He felt it alive—a blindly heaving desire in it to reduce
him to its conditionless, awful dryness. He felt—yet knowing this was feverish
and not to be believed—that his own small life lay on its
mighty surface, a mere dot in space, a mere heap of little stones. His
emotions, his fears, his hopes, his ambition, his love—mere bundled group of
little unimportant stones that danced with apparent activity for a moment, then
were merged in the undifferentiated surface underneath. He was included in a
purpose greater than his own.
The will made a plucky
effort then. “A night and a day,” he laughed, while his lips cracked smartingly
with the stretching of the skin, “what is it? Many a chap has lasted days and
days ...!” Yes, only he was not of that rare company. He was ordinary,
unaccustomed to privation, weak, untrained of spirit, unacquainted with stern
resistance. He knew not how to spare himself. The Desert struck him where it
pleased—all over. It played with him. His tongue was swollen; the parched
throat could not swallow. He sank. ... An hour he lay there, just wit enough in
him to choose the top of a mound where he could be most easily seen. He
lay two hours, three, four hours. ... The heat blazed down upon him like a
furnace. ... The sky, when he opened his eyes once, was empty ... then a speck
became visible in the blue expanse; and presently another speck. They came from
nowhere. They hovered very high, almost out of sight. They appeared, they
disappeared, they—reappeared. Nearer and nearer they swung down, in sweeping
stealthy circles ... little dancing groups of them, miles away but ever drawing
closer—the vultures. ...
He had strained his ears
so long for sounds of feet and voices that it seemed he could no longer hear at
all. Hearing had ceased within him. Then came the water-dreams, with their
agonising torture. He heard that ... heard it running in
silvery streams and rivulets across green English meadows. It rippled with
silvery music. He heard it splash. He dipped hands and feet and head in it—in
deep, clear pools of generous depth. He drank; with his skin he drank, not with
mouth and throat alone. Ice clinked in effervescent, sparkling water against a
glass. He swam and plunged. Water gushed freely over back and shoulders,
gallons and gallons of it, bathfuls and to spare, a flood of gushing, crystal,
cool, life-giving liquid. ... And then he stood in a beech wood and felt the
streaming deluge of delicious summer rain upon his face; heard it drip
luxuriantly upon a million thirsty leaves. The wet trunks shone, the damp moss
spread its perfume, ferns waved heavily in the moist atmosphere. He was soaked
to the skin in it. A mountain torrent, fresh from fields of snow, foamed
boiling past, and the spray fell in a shower upon his cheeks and hair. He
dived—head foremost. ... Ah, he was up to the neck ... and she was
with him; they were under water together; he saw her eyes gleaming into his own
beneath the copious flood.
The voice, however, was
not hers. ... “You will drown, yet you will not know you drown ...!” His
swollen tongue called out a name. But no sound was audible. He closed his eyes.
There came sweet unconsciousness. ...
A sound in that
instant was audible, though. It was a voice—voices—and the
thud of animal hoofs upon the sand. The specks had vanished from the sky as
mysteriously as they came. And, as though in answer to the sound, he made a movement—an
automatic, unconscious movement. He did not know he moved. And the body,
uncontrolled, lost its precarious balance. He rolled; but he did not know he
rolled. Slowly, over the edge of the sloping mound of sand, he turned sideways.
Like a log of wood he slid gradually, turning over and over, nothing to stop
him—to the bottom. A few feet only, and not even steep; just steep enough to
keep rolling slowly. There was a—splash. But he did not know there was a
splash.
They found him in a pool
of water—one of these rare pools the Desert Bedouin mark preciously for their
own. He had lain within three yards of it for hours. He was drowned ... but he
did not know he drowned. ...
XI.H. S. H.
In the mountain Club Hut, to which he had
escaped after weeks of gaiety in the capital, Delane, young travelling
Englishman, sat alone, and listened to the wind that beat the pines with
violence. The firelight danced over the bare stone floor and raftered ceiling,
giving the room an air of movement, and though the solid walls held steady
against the wild spring hurricane, the cannonading of the wind seemed to
threaten the foundations. For the mountain shook, the forest roared, and the
shadows had a way of running everywhere as though the little building trembled.
Delane watched and listened. He piled the logs on. From time to time he glanced
nervously over his shoulder, restless, half uneasy, as a burst of spray from
the branches dashed against the window, or a gust of unusual vehemence shook
the door. Over-wearied with his long day’s climb among impossible conditions,
he now realised, in this mountain refuge, his utter loneliness; for his mind
gave birth to that unwelcome symptom of true loneliness—that he was not, after
all, alone. Continually he heard steps and voices in the storm. Another
wanderer, another climber out of season like himself, would presently arrive,
and sleep was out of the question until first he heard that knocking on the
door. Almost—he expected some one.
He went for the tenth
time to the little window. He peered forth into the thick darkness of the
dropping night, shading his eyes against the streaming pane to screen the
firelight in an attempt to see if another climber—perhaps a climber in
distress—were visible. The surroundings were desolate and savage, well
named the Devil’s Saddle. Black-faced precipices, streaked with melting snow,
rose towering to the north, where the heights were hidden in seas of vapour;
waterfalls poured into abysses on two sides; a wall of impenetrable forest
pressed up from the south; and the dangerous ridge he had climbed all day slid
off wickedly into a sky of surging cloud. But no human figure was, of course,
distinguishable, for both the lateness of the hour and the elemental fury of
the night rendered it most unlikely. He turned away with a start, as the
tempest delivered a blow with massive impact against his very face. Then,
clearing the remnants of his frugal supper from the table, he hung his soaking
clothes at a new angle before the fire, made sure the door was fastened on the
inside, climbed into the bunk where white pillows and thick Austrian blankets
looked so inviting, and prepared finally for sleep.
“I must be over-tired,”
he sighed, after half an hour’s weary tossing, and went back to make up the
sinking fire. Wood is plentiful in these climbers’ huts; he heaped it on. But
this time he lit the little oil lamp as well, realising—though unwilling to
acknowledge it—that it was not over-fatigue that banished sleep, but this
unwelcome sense of expecting some one, of being not quite alone. For the
feeling persisted and increased. He drew the wooden bench close up to the fire,
turned the lamp as high as it would go, and wished unaccountably for the
morning. Light was a very pleasant thing; and darkness now, for the first time
since childhood, troubled him. It was outside; but it might so easily come in
and swamp, obliterate, extinguish. The darkness seemed a positive thing.
Already, somehow, it was established in his mind—this sense of enormous,
aggressive darkness that veiled an undesirable hint of personality. Some shadow
from the peaks or from the forest, immense and threatening, pervaded all his
thought. “This can’t be entirely nerves,” he whispered to himself. “I’m
not so tired as all that!” And he made the fire roar. He shivered and drew
closer to the blaze. “I’m out of condition; that’s part of it,” he realised,
and remembered with loathing the weeks of luxurious indulgence just behind him.
For Delane had rather
wasted his year of educational travel. Straight from Oxford, and well supplied
with money, he had first saturated his mind in the latest Continental
thought—the science of France, the metaphysics and philosophy of Germany—and
had then been caught aside by the gaiety of capitals where the lights are not
turned out at midnight by a Sunday School police. He had been surfeited,
physically, emotionally, and intellectually, till his mind and body longed
hungrily for simple living again and simple teaching—above all, the latter. The
Road of Excess leads to the Palace of Wisdom—for certain temperaments (as Blake
forgot to add), of which Delane was one. For there was stuff in the youth, and
the reaction had set in with violent abruptness. His system rebelled. He cut
loose energetically from all soft delights, and craved for severity, pure air,
solitude and hardship. Clean and simple conditions he must have without delay,
and the tonic of physical battling. It was too early in the year to climb
seriously, for the snow was still dangerous and the weather wild, but he had
chosen this most isolated of all the mountain huts in order to make sure of
solitude, and had come, without guide or companion, for a week’s strenuous life
in wild surroundings, and to take stock of himself with a view to full
recovery.
And all day long as he
climbed the desolate, unsafe ridge, his mind—good, wholesome, natural
symptom—had reverted to his childhood days, to the solid worldly wisdom of his
church-going father, and to the early teaching (oh, how sweet and refreshing in
its literal spirit!) at his mother’s knee. Now, as he watched the blazing logs,
it came back to him again with redoubled force; the simple,
precious, old-world stories of heaven and hell, of a paternal Deity, and of a
daring, subtle, personal devil——
The interruption to his
thoughts came with startling suddenness, as the roaring night descended against
the windows with a thundering violence that shook the walls and sucked the
flame half-way up the wide stone chimney. The oil lamp flickered and went out.
Darkness invaded the room for a second, and Delane sprang from his bench,
thinking the wet snow had loosened far above and was about to sweep the hut
into the depths. And he was still standing, trembling and uncertain, in the
middle of the room, when a deep and sighing hush followed sharp upon the
elemental outburst, and in the hush, like a whisper after thunder, he heard a
curious steady sound that, at first, he thought must be a footstep by the door.
It was then instantly repeated. But it was not a step. It was some one knocking
on the heavy oaken panels—a firm, authoritative sound, as though the new
arrival had the right to enter and was already impatient at the delay.
The Englishman recovered
himself instantly, realising with keen relief the new arrival—at last.
“Another climber like
myself, of course,” he said, “or perhaps the man who comes to prepare the hut
for others. The season has begun.” And he went over quickly, without a further
qualm, to unbolt the door.
“Forgive!” he exclaimed
in German, as he threw it wide, “I was half asleep before the fire. It is a
terrible night. Come in to food and shelter, for both are here, and you shall
share such supper as I possess.”
And a tall, cloaked
figure passed him swiftly with a gust of angry wind from the impenetrable blackness
of the world beyond. On the threshold, for a second, his outline stood full in
the blaze of firelight with the sheet of darkness behind it, stately, erect,
commanding, his cloak torn fiercely by the wind, but the face hidden by a
low-brimmed hat; and an instant later the door shut with resounding clamour
upon the hurricane, and the two men turned to confront one another in the
little room.
Delane then realised two
things sharply, both of them fleeting impressions, but acutely vivid: First,
that the outside darkness seemed to have entered and established itself between
him and the new arrival; and, secondly, that the stranger’s face was difficult
to focus for clear sight, although the covering hat was now removed. There was
a blur upon it somewhere. And this the Englishman ascribed partly to the
flickering effect of firelight, and partly to the lightning glare of the man’s
masterful and terrific eyes, which made his own sight waver in some curious
fashion as he gazed upon him. These impressions, however, were but momentary
and passing, due doubtless to the condition of his nerves and to the semi-shock
of the dramatic, even theatrical entrance. Delane’s senses, in this wild
setting, were guilty of exaggeration. For now, while helping the man remove his
cloak, speaking naturally of shelter, food, and the savage weather, he lost
this first distortion and his mind recovered sane proportion. The stranger,
after all, though striking, was not of appearance so uncommon as to cause
alarm; the light and the low doorway had touched his stature with illusion. He
dwindled. And the great eyes, upon calmer subsequent inspection, lost their
original fierce lightning. The entering darkness, moreover, was but an effect
of the upheaving night behind him as he strode across the threshold. The closed
door proved it.
And yet, as Delane
continued his quieter examination, there remained, he saw, the startling
quality which had caused that first magnifying in his mind. His senses, while
reporting accurately, insisted upon this arresting and uncommon touch: there
was, about this late wanderer of the night, some evasive, lofty
strangeness that set him utterly apart from ordinary men.
The Englishman examined
him searchingly, surreptitiously, but with a touch of passionate curiosity he
could not in the least account for nor explain. There were contradictions of
perplexing character about him. For the first presentment had been of splendid
youth, while on the face, though vigorous and gloriously handsome, he now
discerned the stamp of tremendous age. It was worn and tired. While radiant
with strength and health and power, it wore as well this certain signature of
deep exhaustion that great experience rather than physical experience brings.
Moreover, he discovered in it, in some way he could not hope to describe, man,
woman, and child. There was a big, sad earnestness about it, yet a touch of
humour too; patience, tenderness, and sweetness held the mouth; and behind the
high pale forehead intellect sat enthroned and watchful. In it were both love
and hatred, longing and despair; an expression of being ever on the defensive,
yet hugely mutinous; an air both hunted and beseeching; great knowledge and
great woe.
Delane gave up the
search, aware that something unalterably splendid stood before him. Solemnity
and beauty swept him too. His was never the grotesque assumption that man must
be the highest being in the universe, nor that a thing is a miracle merely
because it has never happened before. He groped, while explanation and analysis
both halted. “A great teacher,” thought fluttered through him, “or a mighty
rebel! A distinguished personality beyond all question! Who can he be?” There
was something regal that put respect upon his imagination instantly. And he
remembered the legend of the country-side that Ludwig of Bavaria was said to be
about when nights were very wild. He wondered. Into his speech and manner crept
unawares an attitude of deference that was almost reverence, and with it—whence
came this other quality?—a searching pity.
“You must be wearied
out,” he said respectfully, busying himself about the room, “as well as cold
and wet. This fire will dry you, sir, and meanwhile I will prepare quickly such
food as there is, if you will eat it.” For the other carried no knapsack, nor
was he clothed for the severity of mountain travel.
“I have already eaten,”
said the stranger courteously, “and, with my thanks to you, I am neither wet
nor tired. The afflictions that I bear are of another kind, though ones that
you shall more easily, I am sure, relieve.”
He spoke as a man whose
words set troops in action, and Delane glanced at him, deeply moved by the
surprising phrase, yet hardly marvelling that it should be so. He found no
ready answer. But there was evidently question in his look, for the other
continued, and this time with a smile that betrayed sheer winning beauty as of
a tender woman:
“I saw the light and
came to it. It is unusual—at this time.”
His voice was resonant,
yet not deep. There was a ringing quality about it that the bare room
emphasised. It charmed the young Englishman inexplicably. Also, it woke in him
a sense of infinite pathos.
“You are a climber, sir,
like myself,” Delane resumed, lifting his eyes a moment uneasily from the
coffee he brewed over a corner of the fire. “You know this neighbourhood,
perhaps? Better, at any rate, than I can know it?” His German halted rather. He
chose his words with difficulty. There was uncommon trouble in his mind.
“I know all wild and
desolate places,” replied the other, in perfect English, but with a wintry
mournfulness in his voice and eyes, “for I feel at home in them, and their
stern companionship my nature craves as solace. But, unlike yourself, I am no
climber.”
“The heights have no
attraction for you?” asked Delane, as he mingled steaming milk and coffee in
the wooden bowl, marvelling what brought him then so high above the
valleys. “It is their difficulty and danger that fascinate me always. I find
the loneliness of the summits intoxicating in a sense.”
And, regardless of
refusal, he set the bread and meat before him, the apple and the tiny packet of
salt, then turned away to place the coffee pot beside the fire again. But as he
did so a singular gesture of the other caught his eyes. Before touching bowl or
plate, the stranger took the fruit and brushed his lips with it. He kissed it,
then set it on the ground and crushed it into pulp beneath his heel. And,
seeing this, the young Englishman knew something dreadfully arrested in his
mind, for, as he looked away, pretending the act was unobserved, a thing of ice
and darkness moved past him through the room, so that the pot trembled in his
hand, rattling sharply against the hearthstone where he stooped. He could only
interpret it as an act of madness, and the myth of the sad, drowned monarch
wandering through this enchanted region, pressed into him again unsought and
urgent. It was a full minute before he had control of his heart and hand again.
The bowl was half
emptied, and the man was smiling—this time the smile of a child who implores
the comfort of enveloping and understanding arms.
“I am a wanderer rather
than a climber,” he was saying, as though there had been no interval, “for,
though the lonely summits suit me well, I now find in them only—terror. My feet
lose their sureness, and my head its steady balance. I prefer the hidden gorges
of these mountains, and the shadows of the covering forests. My days”—his voice
drew the loneliness of uttermost space into its piteous accents—“are passed in
darkness. I can never climb again.”
He spoke this time,
indeed, as a man whose nerve was gone for ever. It was pitiable almost to
tears. And Delane, unable to explain the amazing contradictions, felt
recklessly, furiously drawn to this trapped wanderer with the mien of a
king yet the air and speech sometimes of a woman and sometimes of an outcast
child.
“Ah, then you have known
accidents,” Delane replied with outer calmness, as he lit his pipe, trying in
vain to keep his hand as steady as his voice. “You have been in one perhaps. The
effect, I have been told, is——”
The power and sweetness
in that resonant voice took his breath away as he heard it break in upon his
own uncertain accents:
“I have—fallen,” the
stranger replied impressively, as the rain and wind wailed past the building mournfully,
“yet a fall that was no part of any accident. For it was no common fall,” the
man added with a magnificent gesture of disdain, “while yet it broke my heart
in two.” He stooped a little as he uttered the next words with a crying pathos
that an outcast woman might have used. “I am,” he said, “engulfed in
intolerable loneliness. I can never climb again.”
With a shiver impossible
to control, half of terror, half of pity, Delane moved a step nearer to the
marvellous stranger. The spirit of Ludwig, exiled and distraught, had gripped
his soul with a weakening terror; but now sheer beauty lifted him above all
personal shrinking. There seemed some echo of lost divinity, worn, wild yet
grandiose, through which this significant language strained towards a personal
message—for himself.
“In loneliness?” he
faltered, sympathy rising in a flood.
“For my Kingdom that is
lost to me for ever,” met him in deep, throbbing tones that set the air on
fire. “For my imperial ancient heights that jealousy took from me——”
The stranger paused,
with an indescribable air of broken dignity and pain.
Outside the tempest
paused a moment before the awful elemental crash that followed. A bellowing of
many winds descended like artillery upon the world. A burst of smoke rushed
from the fireplace about them both, shrouding the stranger momentarily in
a flying veil. And Delane stood up, uncomfortable in his very bones. “What can
it be?” he asked himself sharply. “Who is this being that he should use such
language?” He watched alarm chase pity, aware that the conversation held
something beyond experience. But the pity returned in greater and ever greater
flood. And love surged through him too. It was significant, he remembered
afterwards, that he felt it incumbent upon himself to stand. Curious, too, how
the thought of that mad, drowned monarch haunted memory with such persistence.
Some vast emotion that he could not name drove out his subsequent words. The
smoke had cleared, and a strange, high stillness held the world. The rain streamed
down in torrents, isolating these two somehow from the haunts of men. And the
Englishman stared then into a countenance grown mighty with woe and loneliness.
There stood darkly in it this incommunicable magnificence of pain that mingled
awe with the pity he had felt. The kingly eyes looked clear into his own,
completing his subjugation out of time. “I would follow you,” ran his thought
upon its knees, “follow you with obedience for ever and ever, even into a last
damnation. For you are sublime. You shall come again into your Kingdom, if my
own small worship——”
Then blackness sponged
the reckless thought away. He spoke in its place a more guarded, careful thing:
“I am aware,” he
faltered, yet conscious that he bowed, “of standing before a Great One of some
world unknown to me. Who he may be I have but the privilege of wondering. He
has spoken darkly of a Kingdom that is lost. Yet he is still, I see, a
Monarch.” And he lowered his head and shoulders involuntarily.
For an instant, then, as
he said it, the eyes before him flashed their original terrific lightnings. The
darkness of the common world faded before the entrance of an Outer Darkness.
From gulfs of terror at his feet rose shadows out of the night of time,
and a passionate anguish as of sudden madness seized his heart and shook it.
He listened breathlessly
for the words that followed. It seemed some wind of unutterable despair passed
in the breath from those non-human lips:
“I am still a Monarch,
yes; but my Kingdom is taken from me, for I have no single subject. Lost in a
loneliness that lies out of space and time, I am become a throneless Ruler, and
my hopelessness is more than I can bear.” The beseeching pathos of the voice
tore him in two. The Deity himself, it seemed, stood there accused of jealousy,
of sin and cruelty. The stranger rose. The power about him brought the picture
of a planet, throned in mid-heaven and poised beyond assault. “Not otherwise,”
boomed the startling words as though an avalanche found syllables, “could I now
show myself to—you.”
Delane was trembling
horribly. He felt the next words slip off his tongue unconsciously. The
shattering truth had dawned upon his soul at last.
“Then the light you saw,
and came to——?” he whispered.
“Was the light in your
heart that guided me,” came the answer, sweet, beguiling as the music in a
woman’s tones, “the light of your instant, brief desire that held love in it.”
He made an opening movement with his arms as he continued, smiling like stars
in summer. “For you summoned me; summoned me by your dear and precious belief:
how dear, how precious, none can know but I who stand before you.”
His figure drew up with
an imperial air of proud dominion. His feet were set among the constellations.
The opening movement of his arms continued slowly. And the music in his tones
seemed merged in distant thunder.
“For your single, brief
belief,” he smiled with the grandeur of a condescending Emperor, “shall
give my vanished Kingdom back to me.”
And with an air of
native majesty he held his hand out—to be kissed.
The black hurricane of
night, the terror of frozen peaks, the yawning horror of the great abyss
outside—all three crowded into the Englishman’s mind with a slashing impact
that blocked delivery of any word or action. It was not that he refused, it was
not that he withdrew, but that Life stood paralysed and rigid. The flow stopped
dead for the first time since he had left his mother’s womb. The God in him was
turned to stone and rendered ineffective. For an appalling instant God
was not.
He realised the
stupendous moment. Before him, drinking his little soul out merely by his
Presence, stood one whose habit of mind, not alone his external accidents, was
imperial with black prerogative before the first man drew the breath of life.
August procedure was native to his inner process of existence. The stars and
confines of the universe owned his sway before he fell, to trifle away the
dreary little centuries by haunting the minds of feeble men and women, by
hiding himself in nursery cupboards, and by grinning with stained gargoyles
from the roofs of city churches. ...
And the lad’s life
stammered, flickered, threatened to go out before the enveloping terror of the
revelation.
“I called to you ... but
called to you in play,” thought whispered somewhere deep below the level of any
speech, yet not so low that the audacious sound of it did not crash above the
elements outside; “for ... till now ... you have been to me but a ... coated
bogy ... that my brain disowned with laughter ... and my heart thought picturesque.
If you are here ... alive! May God forgive me for my ...”
It seemed as though
tears—the tears of love and profound commiseration—drowned the very seed of
thought itself.
A sound stopped him that
was like a collapse in heaven. Some crashing, as of a ruined world, passed
splintering through his little timid heart. He did not yield, but he
understood—with an understanding which seemed the delicate first sign of
yielding—the seductiveness of evil, the sweet delight of surrendering the Will
with utter recklessness to those swelling forces which disintegrate the heroic soul in man.
He remembered. It was true. In the reaction from excess he had definitely
called upon his childhood’s teaching with a passing moment of genuine belief.
And now that yearning of a fraction of a second bore its awful fruit. The
luscious Capitals where he had rioted passed in a coloured stream before his
eyes; the Wine, the Woman, and the Song stood there before him, clothed in that
Power which lies insinuatingly disguised behind their little passing show of
innocence. Their glamour donned this domino of regal and virile grandeur. He
felt entangled beyond recovery. The idea of God seemed sterile and without
reality. The one real thing, the one desirable thing, the one possible, strong
and beautiful thing—was to bend his head and kiss those imperial fingers. He
moved noiselessly towards the Hand. He raised his own to take it and lift it
towards his mouth——
When there rose in his
mind with startling vividness a small, soft picture of a child’s nursery, a
picture of a little boy, kneeling in scanty night-gown with pink upturned
soles, and asking ridiculous, audacious things of a shining Figure seated on a
summer cloud above the kitchen-garden walnut tree.
The tiny symbol flashed
and went its way, yet not before it had lit the entire world with glory. For
there came an absolutely routing power with it. In that half-forgotten
instant’s craving for the simple teaching of his childhood days, Belief had
conjured with two immense traditions. This was the second of them. The
appearance of the one had inevitably produced the passage of its opposite. ...
And the Hand that
floated in the air before him to be kissed sank slowly down below the possible
level of his lips. He shrank away. Though laughter tempted something in his
brain, there still clung about his heart the first aching, pitying terror. But
size retreated, dwindling somehow as it went. The wind and rain obliterated
every other sound; yet in that bare, unfurnished room of a climber’s mountain
hut, there was a silence, above the roar, that drank in everything and broke
the back of speech. In opposition to this masquerading splendour Delane had set
up a personal, paternal Deity.
“I thought of you,
perhaps,” cried the voice of self-defence, “but I did not call to you with real
belief. And, by the name of God, I did not summon you. For your sweetness, as
your power, sickens me; and your hand is black with the curses of all the
mothers in the world, whose prayers and tears——”
He stopped dead,
overwhelmed by the cruelty of his reckless utterance.
And the Other moved
towards him slowly. It was like the summit of some peaked and terrible height
that moved. He spoke. He changed appallingly.
“But I claim,”
he roared, “your heart. I claim you by that instant of belief you felt. For by
that alone you shall restore to me my vanished Kingdom. You shall worship me.”
In the countenance was a
sudden awful power; but behind the stupefying roar there was weakness in the
voice as of an imploring and beseeching child. Again, deep love and searching
pity seared the Englishman’s heart as he replied in the gentlest accents he
could find to master:
“And I claim you,”
he said, “by my understanding sympathy, and by my sorrow for your God-forsaken
loneliness, and by my love. For no Kingdom built on hate can stand against the
love you would deny——”
Words failed him then,
as he saw the majesty fade slowly from the face, grown small and shadowy.
One last expression of desperate energy in the eyes struck lightnings from the
smoky air, as with an abandoned movement of the entire figure, he drew back, it
seemed, towards the door behind him.
Delane
moved slowly after him, opening his arms. Tenderness and big compassion flung
wide the gates of love within him. He found strange language, too, although
actual, spoken words did not produce them further than his entrails where they had
their birth.
“Toys in the world are
plentiful, Sire, and you may have them for your masterpiece of play. But you
must seek them where they still survive; in the churches, and in isolated lands
where thought lies unawakened. For they are the children’s blocks of
make-believe whose palaces, like your once tremendous kingdom, have no true
existence for the thinking mind.”
And he stretched his
hands towards him with the gesture of one who sought to help and save, then
paused as he realised that his arms enclosed sheer blackness, with the
emptiness of wind and driving rain.
For the door of the hut
stood open, and Delane balanced on the threshold, facing the sheet of night
above the abyss. He heard the waterfalls in the valley far below. The forest
flapped and tossed its myriad branches. Cold draughts swept down from spectral
fields of melting snow above; and the blackness turned momentarily into the
semblance of towers and bastions of thick beaten gloom. Above one soaring
turret, then, a space of sky appeared, swept naked by a violent, lost wind—an
opening of purple into limitless distance. For one second, amid the vapours, it
was visible, empty and untenanted. The next, there sailed across its small
diameter a falling Star. With an air of slow and endless leisure, yet at the
same time with terrific speed, it dived behind the ragged curtain of the
clouds, and the space closed up again. Blackness returned upon the
heavens.
And through this
blackness, plunging into that abyss of woe whence he had momentarily risen, the
figure of the marvellous stranger melted utterly away. Delane, for a fleeting
second, was aware of the earnestness in the sad, imploring countenance; of its
sweetness and its power so strangely mingled; of it mysterious grandeur; and of
its pathetic childishness. But, already, it was sunk into interminable
distance. A star that would be baleful, yet was merely glorious, passed on its
endless wandering among the teeming systems of the universe. Behind the fixed
and steady stars, secure in their appointed places, it set. It vanished into
the pit of unknown emptiness. It was gone.
“God help you!” sighed
across the sea of wailing branches, echoing down the dark abyss below. “God
give you rest at last!”
For he saw a princely,
nay, an imperial Being, homeless for ever, and for ever wandering, hunted as by
keen remorseless winds about a universe that held no corner for his feet, his
majesty unworshipped, his reign a mockery, his Court unfurnished, and his
courtiers mere shadows of deep space. ...
And a thin, grey dawn,
stealing up behind clearing summits in the east, crept then against the windows
of the mountain hut. It brought with it a treacherous, sharp air that made the
sleeper draw another blanket near to shelter him from the sudden cold. For the
fire had died out, and an icy draught sucked steadily beneath the doorway.
XII.A BIT OF WOOD
He found himself in Meran with some cousins
who had various slight ailments, but, being rich and imaginative, had gone to a
sanatorium to be cured. But for its sanatoria, Meran might be a cheerful place;
their ubiquity reminds a healthy man too often that the air is really good.
Being well enough himself, except for a few mental worries, he went to a
Gasthaus in the neighbourhood. In the sanatorium his cousins complained
bitterly of the food, the ignorant “sisters,” the inattentive doctors, and the
idiotic regulations generally—which proves that people should not go to a
sanatorium unless they are really ill. However, they paid heavily for being
there, so felt that something was being accomplished, and were annoyed when he
called each day for tea, and told them cheerfully how much better they
looked—which proved, again, that their ailments were slight and quite curable
by the local doctor at home. With one of the ailing cousins, a rich and pretty
girl, he believed himself in love.
It was a three weeks’
business, and he spent his mornings walking in the surrounding hills, his mind
reflective, analytical, and ambitious, as with a man in love. He thought of
thousands of things. He mooned. Once, for instance, he paused beside a rivulet
to watch the buttercups dip, and asked himself, “Will she be like this when
we’re married—so anxious to be well that she thinks fearfully all the time of
getting ill?” For if so, he felt he would be bored. He knew himself accurately
enough to realise that he never could stand that. Yet money was a
wonderful thing to have, and he, already thirty-five, had little enough! “Am I
influenced by her money, then?” he asked himself ... and so went on to ask and
wonder about many things besides, for he was of a reflective temperament and
his father had been a minor poet. And Doubt crept in. He felt a chill. He was
not much of a man, perhaps, thin-blooded and unsuccessful, rather a dreamer,
too, into the bargain. He had £100 a year of his own and a position in a
Philanthropic Institution (due to influence) with a nominal salary attached. He
meant to keep the latter after marriage. He would work just the same. Nobody
should ever say that of him——!
And as he sat on the
fallen tree beside the rivulet, idly knocking stones into the rushing water
with his stick, he reflected upon those banal truisms that epitomise two-thirds
of life. The way little unimportant things can change a person’s whole
existence was the one his thought just now had fastened on. His cousin’s chill
and headache, for instance, caught at a gloomy picnic on the Campagna three
weeks before, had led to her going into a sanatorium and being advised that her
heart was weak, that she had a tendency to asthma, that gout was in her system,
and that a treatment of X-rays, radium, sun-baths and light baths, violet rays,
no meat, complete rest, with big daily fees to experts with European
reputations, were imperative. “From that chill, sitting a moment too long in
the shadow of a forgotten Patrician’s tomb,” he reflected, “has come all
this”—“all this” including his doubt as to whether it was herself or her money
that he loved, whether he could stand living with her always, whether he
need really keep his work on after marriage, in a word, his
entire life and future, and her own as well—“all from that tiny chill three weeks
ago!” And he knocked with his stick a little piece of sawn-off board that lay
beside the rushing water.
Upon that bit of wood
his mind, his mood, then fastened itself. It was triangular, a piece of
sawn-off wood, brown with age and ragged. Once it had been part of a
triumphant, hopeful sapling on the mountains; then, when thirty years of age,
the men had cut it down; the rest of it stood somewhere now, at this very
moment, in the walls of the house. This extra bit was cast away as useless; it
served no purpose anywhere; it was slowly rotting in the sun. But each tap of
the stick, he noticed, turned it sideways without sending it over the edge into
the rushing water. It was obstinate. “It doesn’t want to go in,” he laughed,
his father’s little talent cropping out in him, “but, by Jove, it shall!” And
he pushed it with his foot. But again it stopped, stuck end-ways against a
stone. He then stooped, picked it up, and threw it in. It plopped and splashed,
and went scurrying away downhill with the bubbling water. “Even that scrap of
useless wood,” he reflected, rising to continue his aimless walk, and still
idly dreaming, “even that bit of rubbish may have a purpose, and may change the
life of someone—somewhere!”—and then went strolling through the fragrant pine
woods, crossing a dozen similar streams, and hitting scores of stones and
scraps and fir cones as he went—till he finally reached his Gasthaus an hour
later, and found a note from her: “We shall expect you about three
o’clock. We thought of going for a drive. The others feel so much better.”
It was a revealing
touch—the way she put it on “the others.” He made his mind up then and
there—thus tiny things divide the course of life—that he could never be happy
with such an “affected creature.” He went for that drive, sat next to her
consuming beauty, proposed to her passionately on the way back, was accepted
before he could change his mind, and is now the father of several healthy
children—and just as much afraid of getting ill, or of their getting
ill, as she was fifteen years before. The female, of course, matures long, long
before the male, he reflected, thinking the matter over in his study once. ...
And that scrap of wood
he idly set in motion out of impulse also went its destined way upon the hurrying
water that never dared to stop. Proud of its new-found motion, it bobbed down
merrily, spinning and turning for a mile or so, dancing gaily over sunny
meadows, brushing the dipping buttercups as it passed, through vineyards,
woods, and under dusty roads in neat, cool gutters, and tumbling headlong over
little waterfalls, until it neared the plain. And so, finally, it came to a
wooden trough that led off some of the precious water to a sawmill where
bare-armed men did practical and necessary things. At the parting of the ways
its angles delayed it for a moment, undecided which way to take. It wobbled.
And upon that moment’s wobbling hung tragic issues—issues of life and death.
Unknowing (yet assuredly
not unknown), it chose the trough. It swung light-heartedly into the tearing
sluice. It whirled with the gush of water towards the wheel, banged, spun,
trembled, caught fast in the side where the cogs just chanced to be—and
abruptly stopped the wheel. At any other spot the pressure of the water must
have smashed it into pulp, and the wheel have continued as before; but it was
caught in the one place where the various tensions held it
fast immovably. It stopped the wheel, and so the machinery of the entire mill.
It jammed like iron. The particular angle at which the double-handed saw, held
by two weary and perspiring men, had cut it off a year before just enabled it
to fit and wedge itself with irresistible exactitude. The pressure of the
tearing water combined with the weight of the massive wheel to fix it tight and
rigid. And in due course a workman—it was the foreman of the mill—came from his
post inside to make investigations. He discovered the irritating item that
caused the trouble. He put his weight in a certain way; he strained his hefty
muscles; he swore—and the scrap of wood was easily dislodged. He fished the
morsel out, and tossed it on the bank, and spat on it. The great wheel
started with a mighty groan. But it started a fraction of a second before he
expected it would start. He overbalanced, clutching the revolving framework
with a frantic effort, shouted, swore, leaped at nothing, and fell into the
pouring flood. In an instant he was turned upside down, sucked under, drowned.
He was engaged to be married, and had put by a thousand kronen in
the Tiroler Sparbank. He was a sober and hard-working man. ...
There was a paragraph in
the local paper two days later. The Englishman, asking the porter of his
Gasthaus for something to wrap up a present he was taking to his cousin in the
sanatorium, used that very issue. As he folded its crumpled and recalcitrant
sheets with sentimental care about the precious object his eye fell carelessly
upon the paragraph. Being of an idle and reflective temperament, he stopped to
read it—it was headed “Unglücksfall,” and his poetic eye, inherited from his foolish,
rhyming father, caught the pretty expression “fliessandes Wasser.” He read the
first few lines. Some fellow, with a picturesque Tyrolese name, had been
drowned beneath a mill-wheel; he was popular in the neighbourhood, it seemed;
he had saved some money, and was just going to be married. It was very sad.
“Our readers’ sympathy” was with him. ... And, being of a reflective
temperament, the Englishman thought for a moment, while he went on wrapping up
the parcel. He wondered if the man had really loved the girl, whether she, too,
had money, and whether they would have had lots of children and been happy ever
afterwards. And then he hurried out towards the sanatorium. “I shall be late,”
he reflected. “Such little, unimportant things delay one ...!”
XIII.A VICTIM OF HIGHER SPACE
“There’s a hextraordinary gentleman to see you, sir,”
said the new man.
“Why ‘extraordinary’?”
asked Dr. Silence, drawing the tips of his thin fingers through his brown
beard. His eyes twinkled pleasantly. “Why ‘extraordinary,’ Barker?” he repeated
encouragingly, noticing the perplexed expression in the man’s eyes.
“He’s so—so thin, sir. I
could hardly see ’im at all—at first. He was inside the house before I could
ask the name,” he added, remembering strict orders.
“And who brought him
here?”
“He come alone, sir, in
a closed cab. He pushed by me before I could say a word—making no noise not
what I could hear. He seemed to move so soft like——”
The man stopped short
with obvious embarrassment, as though he had already said enough to jeopardise
his new situation, but trying hard to show that he remembered the instructions
and warnings he had received with regard to the admission of strangers not
properly accredited.
“And where is the
gentleman now?” asked Dr. Silence, turning away to conceal his amusement.
“I really couldn’t
exactly say, sir. I left him standing in the ’all——”
The doctor looked up
sharply. “But why in the hall, Barker? Why not in the waiting-room?” He fixed
his piercing though kindly eyes on the man’s face. “Did he frighten you?” he
asked quickly.
“I think he did, sir, if
I may say so. I seemed to lose sight of him, as it were——” The man stammered,
evidently convinced by now that he had earned his dismissal. “He come in so
funny, just like a cold wind,” he added boldly, setting his heels at attention
and looking his master full in the face.
The doctor made an
internal note of the man’s halting description; he was pleased that the slight
signs of psychic intuition which had induced him to engage Barker had not entirely
failed at the first trial. Dr. Silence sought for this qualification in all his
assistants, from secretary to serving man, and if it surrounded him with a
somewhat singular crew, the drawbacks were more than compensated for on the
whole by their occasional flashes of insight.
“So the gentleman made
you feel queer, did he?”
“That was it, I think,
sir,” repeated the man stolidly.
“And he brings no kind
of introduction to me—no letter or anything?” asked the doctor, with feigned
surprise, as though he knew what was coming.
The man fumbled, both in
mind and pockets, and finally produced an envelope.
“I beg pardon, sir,” he
said, greatly flustered; “the gentleman handed me this for you.”
It was a note from a
discerning friend, who had never yet sent him a case that was not vitally
interesting from one point or another.
“Please see the bearer
of this note,” the brief message ran, “though I doubt if even you can do much
to help him.”
John Silence paused a
moment, so as to gather from the mind of the writer all that lay behind the
brief words of the letter. Then he looked up at his servant with a graver
expression than he had yet worn.
“Go back and find this
gentleman,” he said, “and show him into the green study. Do not reply to
his question, or speak more than actually necessary; but think kind, helpful,
sympathetic thoughts as strongly as you can, Barker. You remember what I told
you about the importance of thinking, when I engaged you. Put
curiosity out of your mind, and think gently, sympathetically, affectionately,
if you can.”
He smiled, and Barker,
who had recovered his composure in the doctor’s presence, bowed silently and
went out.
There were two different
reception-rooms in Dr. Silence’s house. One (intended for persons who imagined
they needed spiritual assistance when really they were only candidates for the
asylum) had padded walls, and was well supplied with various concealed
contrivances by means of which sudden violence could be instantly met and
overcome. It was, however, rarely used. The other, intended for the reception
of genuine cases of spiritual distress and out-of-the-way afflictions of a
psychic nature, was entirely draped and furnished in a soothing deep green,
calculated to induce calmness and repose of mind. And this room was the one in
which Dr. Silence interviewed the majority of his “queer” cases, and the one
into which he had directed Barker to show his present caller.
To begin with, the
arm-chair in which the patient was always directed to sit, was nailed to the
floor, since its immovability tended to impart this same excellent
characteristic to the occupant. Patients invariably grew excited when talking
about themselves, and their excitement tended to confuse their thoughts and to
exaggerate their language. The inflexibility of the chair helped to counteract
this. After repeated endeavours to drag it forward, or push it back, they ended
by resigning themselves to sitting quietly. And with the futility of fidgeting
there followed a calmer state of mind.
Upon the floor, and at
intervals in the wall immediately behind, were certain tiny green buttons,
practically unnoticeable, which on being pressed permitted a soothing and
persuasive narcotic to rise invisibly about the occupant of the chair. The
effect upon the excitable patient was rapid, admirable, and harmless. The green
study was further provided with a secret spy-hole; for John Silence liked when
possible to observe his patient’s face before it had assumed that mask the
features of the human countenance invariably wear in the presence of another
person. A man sitting alone wears a psychic expression; and this expression is
the man himself. It disappears the moment another person joins him. And Dr.
Silence often learned more from a few moments’ secret observation of a face than
from hours of conversation with its owner afterwards.
A very light, almost a
dancing, step followed Barker’s heavy tread towards the green room, and a
moment afterwards the man came in and announced that the gentleman was waiting.
He was still pale and his manner nervous.
“Never mind, Barker,”
the doctor said kindly; “if you were not psychic the man would have had no
effect upon you at all. You only need training and development. And when you
have learned to interpret these feelings and sensations better, you will feel
no fear, but only a great sympathy.”
“Yes, sir; thank you,
sir!” And Barker bowed and made his escape, while Dr. Silence, an amused smile
lurking about the corners of his mouth, made his way noiselessly down the
passage and put his eye to the spy-hole in the door of the green study.
This spy-hole was so
placed that it commanded a view of almost the entire room, and, looking through
it, the doctor saw a hat, gloves, and umbrella lying on a chair by the table,
but searched at first in vain for their owner.
The windows were both
closed and a brisk fire burned in the grate. There were various signs—signs
intelligible at least to a keenly intuitive soul—that the room was occupied,
yet so far as human beings were concerned, it was empty, utterly empty. No one
sat in the chairs; no one stood on the mat before the fire; there was nosign
even that a patient was anywhere close against the wall, examining the Böcklin
reproductions—as patients so often did when they thought they were alone—and
therefore rather difficult to see from the spy-hole. Ordinarily speaking, there
was no one in the room. It was undeniable.
Yet Dr. Silence was
quite well aware that a human being was in the room. His
psychic apparatus never failed in letting him know the proximity of an
incarnate or discarnate being. Even in the dark he could tell that. And he now
knew positively that his patient—the patient who had alarmed Barker, and had
then tripped down the corridor with that dancing footstep—was somewhere
concealed within the four walls commanded by his spy-hole. He also realised—and
this was most unusual—that this individual whom he desired to watch knew that
he was being watched. And, further, that the stranger himself was also
watching! In fact, that it was he, the doctor, who was being observed—and by an
observer as keen and trained as himself.
An inkling of the true
state of the case began to dawn upon him, and he was on the verge of
entering—indeed, his hand already touched the door-knob—when his eye, still
glued to the spy-hole, detected a slight movement. Directly opposite, between
him and the fireplace, something stirred. He watched very attentively and made
certain that he was not mistaken. An object on the mantelpiece—it was a blue
vase—disappeared from view. It passed out of sight together with the portion of
the marble mantelpiece on which it rested. Next, that part of the fire and
grate and brass fender immediately below it vanished entirely, as though a
slice had been taken clean out of them.
Dr. Silence then understood
that something between him and these objects was slowly coming into being,
something that concealed them and obstructed his vision by inserting
itself in the line of sight between them and himself.
He quietly awaited
further results before going in.
First he saw a thin
perpendicular line tracing itself from just above the height of the clock and
continuing downwards till it reached the woolly fire-mat. This line grew wider,
broadened, grew solid. It was no shadow; it was something substantial. It
defined itself more and more. Then suddenly, at the top of the line, and about
on a level with the face of the clock, he saw a round luminous disc gazing
steadily at him. It was a human eye, looking straight into his own, pressed
there against the spy-hole. And it was bright with intelligence. Dr. Silence
held his breath for a moment—and stared back at it.
Then, like some one
moving out of deep shadow into light, he saw the figure of a man come sliding
sideways into view, a whitish face following the eye, and the perpendicular
line he had first observed broadening out and developing into the complete
figure of a human being. It was the patient. He had apparently been standing
there in front of the fire all the time. A second eye had followed the first, and
both of them stared steadily at the spy-hole, sharply concentrated, yet with a
sly twinkle of humour and amusement that made it impossible for the doctor to
maintain his position any longer.
He opened the door and
went in quickly. As he did so he noticed for the first time the sound of a
German band coming in gaily through the open ventilators. In some intuitive,
unaccountable fashion the music connected itself with the patient he was about
to interview. This sort of prevision was not unfamiliar to him. It always
explained itself later.
The man, he saw, was of
middle age and of very ordinary appearance; so ordinary, in fact, that he was
difficult to describe—his only peculiarity being his extreme thinness.
Pleasant—that is, good—vibrations issued from his atmosphere and met Dr.
Silence as he advanced to greet him, yet vibrations alive with currents and
discharges betraying the perturbed and disordered condition of his mind and
brain. There was evidently something wholly out of the usual in the state of
his thoughts. Yet, though strange, it was not altogether distressing; it was
not the impression that the broken and violent atmosphere of the insane
produces upon the mind. Dr. Silence realised in a flash that here was a case of
absorbing interest that might require all his powers to handle properly.
“I was watching you
through my little peep-hole—as you saw,” he began, with a pleasant smile,
advancing to shake hands. “I find it of the greatest assistance sometimes——”
But the patient
interrupted him at once. His voice was hurried and had odd, shrill changes in
it, breaking from high to low in unexpected fashion. One moment it thundered,
the next it almost squeaked.
“I understand without
explanation,” he broke in rapidly. “You get the true note of a man in this
way—when he thinks himself unobserved. I quite agree. Only, in my case, I fear,
you saw very little. My case, as you of course grasp, Dr. Silence, is extremely
peculiar, uncomfortably peculiar. Indeed, unless Sir William had positively
assured me——”
“My friend has sent you
to me,” the doctor interrupted gravely, with a gentle note of authority, “and
that is quite sufficient. Pray, be seated, Mr.——”
“Mudge—Racine Mudge,”
returned the other.
“Take this comfortable
one, Mr. Mudge,” leading him to the fixed chair, “and tell me your condition in
your own way and at your own pace. My whole day is at your service if you
require it.”
Mr. Mudge moved towards
the chair in question and then hesitated.
“You will promise me not
to use the narcotic buttons,” he said, before sitting down. “I do not need
them. Also I ought to mention that anything you think of vividly will reach my
mind. That is apparently part of my peculiar case.” He sat down with a sigh and
arranged his thin legs and body into a position of comfort. Evidently he was
very sensitive to the thoughts of others, for the picture of the green buttons
had only entered the doctor’s mind for a second, yet the other had instantly
snapped it up. Dr. Silence noticed, too, that Mr. Mudge held on tightly with both
hands to the arms of the chair.
“I’m rather glad the
chair is nailed to the floor,” he remarked, as he settled himself more
comfortably. “It suits me admirably. The fact is—and this is my case in a
nutshell—which is all that a doctor of your marvellous development requires—the
fact is, Dr. Silence, I am a victim of Higher Space. That’s what’s the matter
with me—Higher Space!”
The two looked at each
other for a space in silence, the little patient holding tightly to the arms of
the chair which “suited him admirably,” and looking up with staring eyes, his
atmosphere positively trembling with the waves of some unknown activity; while
the doctor smiled kindly and sympathetically, and put his whole person as far
as possible into the mental condition of the other.
“Higher Space,” repeated
Mr. Mudge, “that’s what it is. Now, do you think you can help me with that?”
There was a pause during
which the men’s eyes steadily searched down below the surface of their
respective personalities. Then Dr. Silence spoke.
“I am quite sure I can
help,” he answered quietly; “sympathy must always help, and suffering always
owns my sympathy. I see you have suffered cruelly. You must tell me all about
your case, and when I hear the gradual steps by which you reached this strange condition,
I have no doubt I can be of assistance to you.”
He drew a chair up
beside his interlocutor and laid a hand on his shoulder for a moment. His
whole being radiated kindness, intelligence, desire to help.
“For instance,” he went
on, “I feel sure it was the result of no mere chance that you became familiar
with the terrors of what you term Higher Space; for Higher Space is no mere
external measurement. It is, of course, a spiritual state, a spiritual
condition, an inner development, and one that we must recognise as abnormal,
since it is beyond the reach of the world at the present stage of evolution.
Higher Space is a mythical state.”
“Oh!” cried the other,
rubbing his birdlike hands with pleasure, “the relief it is to be to talk to
some one who can understand! Of course what you say is the utter truth. And you
are right that no mere chance led me to my present condition, but, on the other
hand, prolonged and deliberate study. Yet chance in a sense now governs it. I
mean, my entering the condition of Higher Space seems to depend upon the chance
of this and that circumstance. For instance, the mere sound of that German band
sent me off. Not that all music will do so, but certain sounds, certain
vibrations, at once key me up to the requisite pitch, and off I go. Wagner’s
music always does it, and that band must have been playing a stray bit of
Wagner. But I’ll come to all that later. Only, first, I must ask you to send
away your man from the spy-hole.”
John Silence looked up
with a start, for Mr. Mudge’s back was to the door, and there was no mirror. He
saw the brown eye of Barker glued to the little circle of glass, and he crossed
the room without a word and snapped down the black shutter provided for the
purpose, and then heard Barker shuffle away along the passage.
“Now,” continued the
little man in the chair, “I can begin. You have managed to put me
completely at my ease, and I feel I may tell you my whole case without shame or
reserve. You will understand. But you must be patient with me if I go into
details that are already familiar to you—details of Higher Space, I mean—and if
I seem stupid when I have to describe things that transcend the power of
language and are really therefore indescribable.”
“My dear friend,” put in
the other calmly, “that goes without saying. To know Higher Space is an
experience that defies description, and one is obliged to make use of more or
less intelligible symbols. But, pray, proceed. Your vivid thoughts will tell me
more than your halting words.”
An immense sigh of
relief proceeded from the little figure half lost in the depths of the chair.
Such intelligent sympathy meeting him half-way was a new experience to him, and
it touched his heart at once. He leaned back, relaxing his tight hold of the
arms, and began in his thin, scale-like voice.
“My mother was a
Frenchwoman, and my father an Essex bargeman,” he said abruptly. “Hence my
name—Racine and Mudge. My father died before I ever saw him. My mother
inherited money from her Bordeaux relations, and when she died soon after, I
was left alone with wealth and a strange freedom. I had no guardian, trustees,
sisters, brothers, or any connection in the world to look after me. I grew up,
therefore, utterly without education. This much was to my advantage; I learned
none of that deceitful rubbish taught in schools, and so had nothing to unlearn
when I awakened to my true love—mathematics, higher mathematics and higher
geometry. These, however, I seemed to know instinctively. It was like the
memory of what I had deeply studied before; the principles were in my blood,
and I simply raced through the ordinary stages, and beyond, and then did the
same with geometry. Afterwards, when I read the books on these subjects, I
understood how swift and undeviating the knowledge had come back to me. It was
simply memory. It was simply re-collecting the memories of
what I had known before in a previous existence and required no books to teach
me.”
In his growing
excitement, Mr. Mudge attempted to drag the chair forward a little nearer to
his listener, and then smiled faintly as he resigned himself instantly again to
its immovability, and plunged anew into the recital of his singular “disease.”
“The audacious
speculations of Bolyai, the amazing theories of Gauss—that through a point more
than one line could be drawn parallel to a given line; the possibility that the
angles of a triangle are together greater than two right
angles, if drawn upon immense curvatures-the breathless intuitions of Beltrami
and Lobatchewsky—all these I hurried through, and emerged, panting but
unsatisfied, upon the verge of my—my new world, my Higher Space
possibilities—in a word, my disease!
“How I got there,” he
resumed after a brief pause, during which he appeared to be listening intently
for an approaching sound, “is more than I can put intelligibly into words. I
can only hope to leave your mind with an intuitive comprehension of the
possibility of what I say.
“Here, however, came a
change. At this point I was no longer absorbing the fruits of studies I had made
before; it was the beginning of new efforts to learn for the first time, and I
had to go slowly and laboriously through terrible work. Here I sought for the
theories and speculations of others. But books were few and far between, and
with the exception of one man—a ‘dreamer,’ the world called him—whose audacity
and piercing intuition amazed and delighted me beyond description, I found no
one to guide or help.
“You, of course, Dr.
Silence, understand something of what I am driving at with these stammering
words, though you cannot perhaps yet guess what depths of pain my new knowledge
brought me to, nor why an acquaintance with a new development of space should
prove a source of misery and terror.”
Mr. Racine Mudge,
remembering that the chair would not move, did the next best thing he could in
his desire to draw nearer to the attentive man facing him, and sat forward upon
the very edge of the cushions, crossing his legs and gesticulating with both
hands as though he saw into this region of new space he was attempting to
describe, and might any moment tumble into it bodily from the edge of the chair
and disappear from view. John Silence, separated from him by three paces, sat
with his eyes fixed upon the thin white face opposite, noting every word and every
gesture with deep attention.
“This room we now sit
in, Dr. Silence, has one side open to space—to Higher Space. A closed box
only seems closed. There is a way in and out of a soap bubble
without breaking the skin.”
“You tell me no new
thing,” the doctor interposed gently.
“Hence, if Higher Space
exists and our world borders upon it and lies partially in it, it follows
necessarily that we see only portions of all objects. We never see their true
and complete shape. We see their three measurements, but not their fourth. The
new direction is concealed from us, and when I hold this book and move my hand
all round it I have not really made a complete circuit. We only perceive those
portions of any object which exist in our three dimensions; the rest escapes us.
But, once we learn to see in Higher Space, and objects will appear as they
actually are. Only they will thus be hardly recognisable!
“Now, you may begin to
grasp something of what I am coming to.”
“I am beginning to
understand something of what you must have suffered,” observed the doctor
soothingly, “for I have made similar experiments myself, and only stopped just
in time——”
“You are the one man in
all the world who can hear and understand, and sympathise,”
exclaimed Mr. Mudge, grasping his hand and holding it tightly while he
spoke. The nailed chair prevented further excitability.
“Well,” he resumed,
after a moment’s pause, “I procured the implements and the coloured blocks for
practical experiment, and I followed the instructions carefully till I had
arrived at a working conception of four-dimensional space. The tessaract, the
figure whose boundaries are cubes, I knew by heart. That is to say, I knew it
and saw it mentally, for my eye, of course, could never take in a new
measurement, or my hands and feet handle it.
“So, at least, I
thought,” he added, making a wry face. “I had reached the stage, you see, when
I could imagine in a new dimension. I was able to conceive the
shape of that new figure which is intrinsically different to all we know—the shape
of the tessaract. I could perceive in four dimensions. When, therefore, I
looked at a cube I could see all its sides at once. Its top was not
foreshortened, nor its farther side and base invisible. I saw the whole thing
out flat, so to speak. And this tessaract was
bounded by cubes! Moreover, I also saw its content—its insides.”
“You were not yourself
able to enter this new world,” interrupted Dr. Silence.
“Not then. I was only
able to conceive intuitively what it was like and how exactly it must look.
Later, when I slipped in there and saw objects in their entirety, unlimited by
the paucity of our poor three measurements, I very nearly lost my life. For,
you see, space does not stop at a single new dimension, a fourth. It extends in
all possible new ones, and we must conceive it as containing any number of new
dimensions. In other words, there is no space at all, but only a spiritual
condition. But, meanwhile, I had come to grasp the strange fact that the
objects in our normal world appear to us only partially.”
Mr. Mudge moved farther
forward till he was balanced dangerously on the very edge of the chair. “From
this starting point,” he resumed, “I began my studies and experiments, and
continued them for years. I had money, and I was without friends. I lived in
solitude and experimented. My intellect, of course, had little part in the
work, for intellectually it was all unthinkable. Never was the limitation of
mere reason more plainly demonstrated. It was mystically, intuitively,
spiritually that I began to advance. And what I learnt, and knew, and did is
all impossible to put into language, since it all describes experiences
transcending the experiences of men. It is only some of the results—what you
would call the symptoms of my disease—that I can give you, and even these must
often appear absurd contradictions and impossible paradoxes.
“I can only tell you,
Dr. Silence”—his manner became exceedingly impressive—“that I reached sometimes
a point of view whence all the great puzzle of the world became plain to me,
and I understood what they call in the Yoga books ‘The Great Heresy of
Separateness’; why all great teachers have urged the necessity of man loving
his neighbour as himself; how men are all really one; and why the
utter loss of self is necessary to salvation and the discovery of the true life
of the soul.”
He paused a moment and
drew breath.
“Your speculations have
been my own long ago,” the doctor said quietly. “I fully realise the force of
your words. Men are doubtless not separate at all—in the sense they imagine——”
“All this about the very
much Higher Space I only dimly, very dimly, conceived, of course,” the other
went on, raising his voice again by jerks; “but what did happen to me was the
humbler accident of—the simpler disaster—oh, dear, how shall I put it——?”
He stammered and showed
visible signs of distress.
“It was simply this,” he
resumed with a sudden rush of words, “that, accidentally, as the result of my
years of experiment, I one day slipped bodily into the next world, the world
of four dimensions, yet without knowing precisely how I got there, or how I
could get back again. I discovered, that is, that my ordinary three-dimensional
body was but an expression—a projection—of my higher four-dimensional body!
“Now you understand what
I meant much earlier in our talk when I spoke of chance. I cannot control my
entrance or exit. Certain people, certain human atmospheres, certain wandering
forces, thoughts, desires even—the radiations of certain combinations of
colour, and above all, the vibrations of certain kinds of music, will suddenly
throw me into a state of what I can only describe as an intense and terrific
inner vibration—and behold I am off! Off in the direction at right angles to
all our known directions! Off in the direction the cube takes when it begins to
trace the outlines of the new figure! Off into my breathless and semi-divine
Higher Space! Off, inside myself, into the world of four
dimensions!”
He gasped and dropped
back into the depths of the immovable chair.
“And there,” he
whispered, his voice issuing from among the cushions, “there I have to stay
until these vibrations subside, or until they do something which I cannot find
words to describe properly or intelligibly to you—and then, behold, I am back
again. First, that is, I disappear. Then I reappear.”
“Just so,” exclaimed Dr.
Silence, “and that is why a few——”
“Why a few moments ago,”
interrupted Mr. Mudge, taking the words out of his mouth, “you found me
gone, and then saw me return. The music of that wretched German band sent me
off. Your intense thinking about me brought me back—when the band had stopped
its Wagner. I saw you approach the peep-hole and I saw Barker’s intention of
doing so later. For me no interiors are hidden. I see inside. When in that state
the content of your mind, as of your body, is open to me as the day. Oh, dear,
oh, dear, oh, dear!”
Mr. Mudge stopped and
again mopped his brow. A light trembling ran over the surface of his small body
like wind over grass. He still held tightly to the arms of the chair.
“At first,” he presently
resumed, “my new experiences were so vividly interesting that I felt no alarm.
There was no room for it. The alarm came a little later.”
“Then you actually
penetrated far enough into that state to experience yourself as a normal
portion of it?” asked the doctor, leaning forward, deeply interested.
Mr. Mudge nodded a
perspiring face in reply.
“I did,” he whispered,
“undoubtedly I did. I am coming to all that. It began first at night, when I
realised that sleep brought no loss of consciousness——”
“The spirit, of course,
can never sleep. Only the body becomes unconscious,” interposed John Silence.
“Yes, we know
that—theoretically. At night, of course, the spirit is active elsewhere, and we
have no memory of where and how, simply because the brain stays behind and
receives no record. But I found that, while remaining conscious, I also
retained memory. I had attained to the state of continuous consciousness, for
at night I regularly, with the first approaches of drowsiness, entered nolens
volens the four-dimensional world.
“For a time this
happened regularly, and I could not control it; though later I found a way to
regulate it better. Apparently sleep is unnecessary in the higher—the
four-dimensional—body. Yes, perhaps. But I should infinitely have preferred
dull sleep to the knowledge. For, unable to control my movements, I wandered to
and fro, attracted, owing to my partial development and premature arrival, to
parts of this new world that alarmed me more and more. It was the awful waste
and drift of a monstrous world, so utterly different to all we know and see
that I cannot even hint at the nature of the sights and objects and beings in
it. More than that, I cannot even remember them. I cannot now picture them to
myself even, but can recall only the memory of the impression they
made upon me, the horror and devastating terror of it all. To be in several
places at once, for instance——”
“Perfectly,” interrupted
John Silence, noticing the increase of the other’s excitement, “I understand
exactly. But now, please, tell me a little more of this alarm you experienced,
and how it affected you.”
“It’s not the
disappearing and reappearing per se that I mind,” continued
Mr. Mudge, “so much as certain other things. It’s seeing people and objects in
their weird entirety, in their true and complete shapes, that is so
distressing. It introduces me to a world of monsters. Horses, dogs, cats, all
of which I loved; people, trees, children; all that I have considered beautiful
in life—everything, from a human face to a cathedral—appear to me in a
different shape and aspect to all I have known before. I cannot perhaps
convince you why this should be terrible, but I assure you that it is so. To
hear the human voice proceeding from this novel appearance which I scarcely
recognise as a human body is ghastly, simply ghastly. To see inside everything
and everybody is a form of insight peculiarly distressing. To be so confused in
geography as to find myself one moment at the North Pole, and the next at
Clapham Junction—or possibly at both places simultaneously—is absurdly
terrifying. Your imagination will readily furnish other details without my
multiplying my experiences now. But you have no idea what it all means, and how
I suffer.”
Mr. Mudge paused in his
panting account and lay back in his chair. He still held tightly to the arms as
though they could keep him in the world of sanity and three measurements, and
only now and again released his left hand in order to mop his face. He looked
very thin and white and oddly unsubstantial, and he stared about him as
though he saw into this other space he had been talking about.
John Silence, too, felt
warm. He had listened to every word and had made many notes. The presence of
this man had an exhilarating effect upon him. It seemed as if Mr. Racine Mudge
still carried about with him something of that breathless Higher-Space
condition he had been describing. At any rate, Dr. Silence had himself advanced
sufficiently far along the legitimate paths of spiritual and psychic
transformations to realise that the visions of this extraordinary little person
had a basis of truth for their origin.
After a pause that
prolonged itself into minutes, he crossed the room and unlocked a drawer in a
bookcase, taking out a small book with a red cover. It had a lock to it, and he
produced a key out of his pocket and proceeded to open the covers. The bright
eyes of Mr. Mudge never left him for a single second.
“It almost seems a
pity,” he said at length, “to cure you, Mr. Mudge. You are on the way to
discovery of great things. Though you may lose your life in the process—that
is, your life here in the world of three dimensions—you would lose thereby
nothing of great value—you will pardon my apparent rudeness, I know—and you
might gain what is infinitely greater. Your suffering, of course, lies in the
fact that you alternate between the two worlds and are never wholly in one or
the other. Also, I rather imagine, though I cannot be certain of this from any
personal experiments, that you have here and there penetrated even into space
of more than four dimensions, and have hence experienced the terror you speak
of.”
The perspiring son of
the Essex bargeman and the woman of Normandy bent his head several times in
assent, but uttered no word in reply.
“Some strange psychic
predisposition, dating no doubt from one of your former lives, has favoured the
development of your ‘disease’; and the fact that you had no normal training at
school or college, no leading by the poor intellect into the culs-de-sac
falsely called knowledge, has further caused your exceedingly rapid movement
along the lines of direct inner experience. None of the knowledge you have
foreshadowed has come to you through the senses, of course.”
Mr. Mudge, sitting in
his immovable chair, began to tremble slightly. A wind again seemed to pass
over his surface and again to set it curiously in motion like a field of grass.
“You are merely talking
to gain time,” he said hurriedly, in a shaking voice. “This thinking aloud
delays us. I see ahead what you are coming to, only please be quick, for
something is going to happen. A band is again coming down the street, and if it
plays—if it plays Wagner—I shall be off in a twinkling.”
“Precisely. I will be
quick. I was leading up to the point of how to effect your cure. The way is
this: You must simply learn to block the entrances.”
“True, true, utterly
true!” exclaimed the little man, dodging about nervously in the depths of the
chair. “But how, in the name of space, is that to be done?”
“By concentration. They
are all within you, these entrances, although outer cases such as colour, music
and other things lead you towards them. These external things you cannot hope
to destroy, but once the entrances are blocked, they will lead you only to
bricked walls and closed channels. You will no longer be able to find the way.”
“Quick, quick!” cried
the bobbing figure in the chair. “How is this concentration to be effected?”
“This little book,”
continued Dr. Silence calmly, “will explain to you the way.” He tapped the
cover. “Let me now read out to you certain simple instructions, composed,
as I see you divine, entirely from my own personal experiences in the same
direction. Follow these instructions and you will no longer enter the state of
Higher Space. The entrances will be blocked effectively.”
Mr. Mudge sat bolt
upright in his chair to listen, and John Silence cleared his throat and began
to read slowly in a very distinct voice.
But before he had
uttered a dozen words, something happened. A sound of street music entered the
room through the open ventilators, for a band had begun to play in the stable
mews at the back of the house—the March from Tannhäuser. Odd as it
may seem that a German band should twice within the space of an hour enter the
same mews and play Wagner, it was nevertheless the fact.
Mr. Racine Mudge heard
it. He uttered a sharp, squeaking cry and twisted his arms with nervous energy
round the chair. A piteous look that was not far from tears spread over his
white face. Grey shadows followed it—the grey of fear. He began to struggle
convulsively.
“Hold me fast! Catch me!
For God’s sake, keep me here! I’m on the rush already. Oh, it’s frightful!” he
cried in tones of anguish, his voice as thin as a reed.
Dr. Silence made a
plunge forward to seize him, but in a flash, before he could cover the space
between them, Mr. Racine Mudge, screaming and struggling, seemed to shoot past
him into invisibility. He disappeared like an arrow from a bow propelled at
infinite speed, and his voice no longer sounded in the external air, but seemed
in some curious way to make itself heard somewhere within the depths of the
doctor’s own being. It was almost like a faint singing cry in his head, like a
voice of dream, a voice of vision and unreality.
“Alcohol, alcohol!” it
cried, “give me alcohol! It’s the quickest way. Alcohol, before I’m out of
reach!”
The doctor, accustomed
to rapid decisions and even more rapid action, remembered that a brandy flask
stood upon the mantelpiece, and in less than a second he had seized it and
was holding it out towards the space above the chair recently occupied by the
visible Mudge. Then, before his very eyes, and long ere he could unscrew the
metal stopper, he saw the contents of the closed glass phial sink and lessen as
though some one were drinking violently and greedily of the liquor within.
“Thanks! Enough! It
deadens the vibrations!” cried the faint voice in his interior, as he withdrew
the flask and set it back upon the mantelpiece. He understood that in Mudge’s
present condition one side of the flask was open to space and he could drink
without removing the stopper. He could hardly have had a more interesting proof
of what he had been hearing described at such length.
But the next moment—the
very same moment it almost seemed—the German band stopped midway in its
tune—and there was Mr. Mudge back in his chair again, gasping and panting!
“Quick!” he shrieked,
“stop that band! Send it away! Catch hold of me! Block the entrances! Block the
entrances! Give me the red book! Oh, oh, oh-h-h-h!!!”
The music had begun
again. It was merely a temporary interruption. The Tannhäuser March
started again, this time at a tremendous pace that made it sound like a rapid
two-step as though the instruments played against time.
But the brief
interruption gave Dr. Silence a moment in which to collect his scattering
thoughts, and before the band had got through half a bar, he had flung forward
upon the chair and held Mr. Racine Mudge, the struggling little victim of
Higher Space, in a grip of iron. His arms went all round his diminutive person,
taking in a good part of the chair at the same time. He was not a big man, yet
he seemed to smother Mudge completely.
Yet, even as he did so,
and felt the wriggling form underneath him, it began to melt and slip away like
air or water. The wood of the arm-chair somehow disentangled itself from
between his own arms and those of Mudge. The phenomenon known as the passage of
matter through matter took place. The little man seemed actually to get mixed
up in his own being. Dr. Silence could just see his face beneath him. It
puckered and grew dark as though from some great internal effort. He heard the
thin, reedy voice cry in his ear to “Block the entrances, block the entrances!”
and then—but how in the world describe what is indescribable?
John Silence half rose
up to watch. Racine Mudge, his face distorted beyond all recognition, was
making a marvellous inward movement, as though doubling back upon himself. He
turned funnel-wise like water in a whirling vortex, and then appeared to break
up somewhat as a reflection breaks up and divides in a distorting convex
mirror. He went neither forward nor backwards, neither to the right nor the
left, neither up nor down. But he went. He went utterly. He simply flashed away
out of sight like a vanishing projectile.
All but one leg! Dr.
Silence just had the time and the presence of mind to seize upon the left ankle
and boot as it disappeared, and to this he held on for several seconds like grim
death. Yet all the time he knew it was a foolish and useless thing to do.
The foot was in his
grasp one moment, and the next it seemed—this was the only way he could
describe it—inside his own skin and bones, and at the same time outside his
hand and all round it. It seemed mixed up in some amazing way with his own
flesh and blood. Then it was gone, and he was tightly grasping a draught of
heated air.
“Gone! gone! gone!”
cried a thick, whispering voice, somewhere deep within his own consciousness.
“Lost! lost! lost!” it repeated, growing fainter and fainter till at length it
vanished into nothing and the last signs of Mr. Racine Mudge vanished with it.
John Silence locked his
red book and replaced it in the cabinet, which he fastened with a click, and
when Barker answered the bell he inquired if Mr. Mudge had left a card upon the
table. It appeared that he had, and when the servant returned with it, Dr.
Silence read the address and made a note of it. It was in North London.
“Mr. Mudge has gone,” he
said quietly to Barker, noticing his expression of alarm.
“He’s not taken his ’at
with him, sir.”
“Mr. Mudge requires no
hat where he is now,” continued the doctor, stooping to poke the fire. “But he
may return for it——”
“And the humbrella,
sir.”
“And the umbrella.”
“He didn’t go out my way,
sir, if you please,” stuttered the amazed servant, his curiosity overcoming his
nervousness.
“Mr. Mudge has his own
way of coming and going, and prefers it. If he returns by the door at any time
remember to bring him instantly to me, and be kind and gentle with him and ask
no questions. Also, remember, Barker, to think pleasantly, sympathetically,
affectionately of him while he is away. Mr. Mudge is a very suffering
gentleman.”
Barker bowed and went
out of the room backwards, gasping and feeling round the inside of his collar
with three very hot fingers of one hand.
It was two days later
when he brought in a telegram to the study. Dr. Silence opened it, and read as
follows:
“Bombay. Just slipped
out again. All safe. Have blocked entrances. Thousand thanks. Address Cooks,
London.—Mudge.”
Dr. Silence looked up
and saw Barker staring at him bewilderingly. It occurred to him that somehow he
knew the contents of the telegram.
“Make a parcel of Mr.
Mudge’s things,” he said briefly, “and address them Thomas Cook & Sons,
Ludgate Circus. And send them there exactly a month from to-day and marked ‘To
be called for.’”
“Yes, sir,” said Barker,
leaving the room with a deep sigh and a hurried glance at the waste-paper
basket where his master had dropped the pink paper.
XIV.TRANSITION
John
Mudbury was on his way
home from the shops, his arms full of Christmas presents. It was after six
o’clock and the streets were very crowded. He was an ordinary man, lived in an
ordinary suburban flat, with an ordinary wife and four ordinary children. He did
not think them ordinary, but everybody else did. He had ordinary presents for
each one, a cheap blotter for his wife, a cheap air-gun for the eldest boy, and
so forth. He was over fifty, bald, in an office, decent in mind and habits, of
uncertain opinions, uncertain politics, and uncertain religion. Yet he
considered himself a decided, positive gentleman, quite unaware that the
morning newspaper determined his opinions for the day. He just lived—from day
to day. Physically, he was fit enough, except for a weak heart (which never
troubled him); and his summer holiday was bad golf, while the children bathed
and his wife read “Garvice” on the sands. Like the majority of men, he dreamed
idly of the past, muddled away the present, and guessed vaguely—after
imaginative reading on occasions—at the future.
“I’d like to survive all
right,” he said, “provided it’s better than this,” surveying his wife and
children, and thinking of his daily toil. “Otherwise——!” and he shrugged his
shoulders as a brave man should.
He went to church
regularly. But nothing in church convinced him that he did
survive, just as nothing in church enticed him into hoping that he would. On
the other hand, nothing in life persuaded him that he didn’t, wouldn’t,
couldn’t. “I’m an Evolutionist,” he loved to say to thoughtful cronies
(over a glass), having never heard that Darwinism had been questioned. ...
And so he came home
gaily, happily, with his bunch of Christmas presents “for the wife and little
ones,” stroking himself upon their keen enjoyment and excitement. The night
before he had taken “the wife” to see Magic at a select London
theatre where the Intellectuals went—and had been extraordinarily stirred. He
had gone questioningly, yet expecting something out of the common. “It’s not musical,”
he warned her, “nor farce, nor comedy, so to speak”; and in answer to her
question as to what the Critics had said, he had wriggled, sighed, and put his
gaudy necktie straight four times in quick succession. For no “Man in the
Street,” with any claim to self-respect, could be expected to understand what
the Critics had said, even if he understood the Play. And John had answered
truthfully: “Oh, they just said things. But the theatre’s always full—and
that’s the only test.”
And just now, as he
crossed the crowded Circus to catch his ’bus, it chanced that his mind (having
glimpsed an advertisement) was full of this particular Play, or, rather, of the
effect it had produced upon him at the time. For it had thrilled him—inexplicably:
with its marvellous speculative hint, its big audacity, its alert and spiritual
beauty. ... Thought plunged to find something—plunged after this bizarre
suggestion of a bigger universe, after this quasi-jocular suggestion that man
is not the only—then dashed full-tilt against a sentence that memory thrust
beneath his nose: “Science does not exhaust the Universe”—and
at the same time dashed full-tilt against destruction of another kind as
well ...!
How it happened, he
never exactly knew. He saw a Monster glaring at him with eyes of blazing fire.
It was horrible! It rushed upon him. He dodged. ... Another Monster met him
round the corner. Both came at him simultaneously. ... He dodged again—a leap that
might have cleared a hurdle easily, but was too late. Between the pair of
them—his heart literally in his gullet—he was mercilessly caught. ... Bones
crunched. ... There was a soft sensation, icy cold and hot as fire. Horns and
voices roared. Battering-rams he saw, and a carapace of iron. ... Then dazzling
light. ... “Always face the traffic!” he remembered with a
frantic yell—and, by some extraordinary luck, escaped miraculously on to the
opposite pavement. ...
There was no doubt about
it. By the skin of his teeth he had dodged a rather ugly death. First ... he
felt for his presents—all were safe. And then, instead of congratulating
himself and taking breath, he hurried homewards—on foot, which proved
that his mind had lost control a bit!—thinking only how disappointed the wife
and children would have been if—if anything had happened. ... Another thing he
realised, oddly enough, was that he no longer really loved his
wife, but had only great affection for her. What made him think of that, Heaven
only knows, but he did think of it. He was an honest man
without pretence. This came as a discovery somehow. He turned a moment, and saw
the crowd gathered about the entangled taxicabs, policemen’s helmets gleaming
in the lights of the shop windows ... then hurried on again, his thoughts full
of the joy his presents would give ... of the scampering children ... and of
his wife—bless her silly heart!—eyeing the mysterious parcels. ...
And, though he never
could explain how, he presently stood at the door of the jail-like
building that contained his flat, having walked the whole three miles! His
thoughts had been so busy and absorbed that he had hardly noticed the length of
weary trudge. ... “Besides,” he reflected, thinking of the narrow escape, “I’ve
had a nasty shock. It was a d——d near thing, now I come to think of it. ...” He
did feel a bit shaky and bewildered. ... Yet, at the same time, he felt
extraordinarily jolly and light-hearted. ...
He counted his Christmas
parcels ... hugged himself in anticipatory joy ... and let himself in swiftly
with his latchkey. “I’m late,” he realised, “but when she sees the brown-paper
parcels, she’ll forget to say a word. God bless the old faithful soul.” And he
softly used the key a second time and entered his flat on tiptoe. ... In his
mind was the master impulse of that afternoon—the pleasure these Christmas presents
would give his wife and children. ...
He heard a noise. He
hung up hat and coat in the pokey vestibule (they never called it “hall”) and
moved softly towards the parlour door, holding the packages behind him. Only of
them he thought, not of himself—of his family, that is, not of the packages.
Pushing the door cunningly ajar, he peeped in slyly. To his amazement, the room
was full of people! He withdrew quickly, wondering what it meant. A party? And
without his knowing about it! Extraordinary! ... Keen disappointment came over
him. But, as he stepped back, the vestibule, he saw, was full of people too.
He was uncommonly
surprised, yet somehow not surprised at all. People were congratulating him.
There was a perfect mob of them. Moreover, he knew them all—vaguely remembered
them, at least. And they all knew him.
“Isn’t it a game?“
laughed some one, patting him on the back. ”They haven’t the least
idea ...!”
And the speaker—it was
old John Palmer, the bookkeeper at the office—emphasised the “they.”
“Not the least idea,” he
answered with a smile, saying something he didn’t understand, yet knew was
right.
His face, apparently,
showed the utter bewilderment he felt. The shock of the collision had been
greater than he realised evidently. His mind was wandering. ... Possibly! Only
the odd thing was—he had never felt so clear-headed in his life. Ten
thousand things grew simple suddenly. But, how thickly these people pressed
about him, and how—familiarly!
“My parcels,” he said,
joyously pushing his way across the throng. “These are Christmas presents I’ve
bought for them.” He nodded toward the room. “I’ve saved for weeks—stopped
cigars and billiards and—and several other good things—to buy them.”
“Good man!” said Palmer
with a happy laugh. “It’s the heart that counts.”
Mudbury looked at him.
Palmer had said an amazing truth, only—people would hardly understand and
believe him. ... Would they?
“Eh?” he asked, feeling
stuffed and stupid, muddled somewhere between two meanings, one of which was
gorgeous and the other stupid beyond belief.
“If you please,
Mr. Mudbury, step inside. They are expecting you,” said a kindly, pompous
voice. And, turning sharply, he met the gentle, foolish eyes of Sir James
Epiphany, a director of the Bank where he worked.
The effect of the voice
was instantaneous from long habit.
“They are?” he smiled
from his heart, and advanced as from the custom of many years. Oh, how happy
and gay he felt! His affection for his wife was real. Romance, indeed, had
gone, but he needed her—and she needed him. And the children—Milly, Bill, and
Jean—he deeply loved them. Life was worth living indeed!
In the room was a crowd,
but—an astounding silence. John Mudbury looked round him. He advanced towards
his wife, who sat in the corner arm-chair with Milly on her knee. A lot of
people talked and moved about. Momentarily the crowd increased. He stood in
front of them—in front of Milly and his wife. And he spoke—holding out his
packages. “It’s Christmas Eve,” he whispered shyly, “and I’ve—brought you
something—something for everybody. Look!” He held the packages before their
eyes.
“Of course, of course,”
said a voice behind him, “but you may hold them out like that for a century.
They’ll never see them!”
“Of course they won’t.
But I love to do the old, sweet thing,” replied John Mudbury—then wondered with
a gasp of stark amazement why he said it.
“I think——”
whispered Milly, staring round her.
“Well, what do
you think?” her mother asked sharply. “You’re always thinking something queer.”
“I think,” the child
continued dreamily, “that Daddy’s already here.” She paused, then added with a
child’s impossible conviction, “I’m sure he is. I feel him.”
There was an
extraordinary laugh. Sir James Epiphany laughed. The others—the whole crowd of
them—also turned their heads and smiled. But the mother, thrusting the child
away from her, rose up suddenly with a violent start. Her face had turned to
chalk. She stretched her arms out—into the air before her. She gasped and
shivered. There was an awful anguish in her eyes.
“Look!” repeated John,
“these are the presents that I brought.”
But his voice apparently
was soundless. And, with a spasm of icy pain, he remembered that Palmer and Sir
James—some years ago—had died.
“It’s magic,” he cried,
“but—I love you, Jinny—I love you—and—and I have always been true to you—as
true as steel. We need each other—oh, can’t you see—we go on together—you and
I—for ever and ever——”
“Think,”
interrupted an exquisitely tender voice, “don’t shout! They can’t
hear you—now.” And, turning, John Mudbury met the eyes of Everard Minturn,
their President of the year before. Minturn had gone down with the Titanic.
He dropped his parcels
then. His heart gave an enormous leap of joy.
He saw her face—the face
of his wife—look through him.
But the child gazed
straight into his eyes. She saw him.
The next thing he knew
was that he heard something tinkling ... far, far away. It sounded miles below
him—inside him—he was sounding himself—all utterly bewildering—like a bell.
It was a bell.
Milly stooped down and
picked the parcels up. Her face shone with happiness and laughter. ...
But a man came in soon
after, a man with a ridiculous, solemn face, a pencil, and a notebook. He wore
a dark blue helmet. Behind him came a string of other men. They carried
something ... something ... he could not see exactly what it was. But when he
pressed forward through the laughing throng to gaze upon it, he dimly made out
two eyes, a nose, a chin, a deep red smear, and a pair of folded hands upon an
overcoat. A woman’s form fell down upon them then, and ... he heard ... soft
sounds of children weeping strangely ... and other sounds ... sounds as of
familiar voices ... laughing ... laughing gaily.
“They’ll join us
presently. It goes like a flash. ...”
And, turning with great
happiness in his heart, he saw that Sir James had said it, holding Palmer by
the arm as with some natural yet unexpected love of sympathetic friendship.
“Come on,” said Palmer, smiling
like a man who accepts a gift in universal fellowship, “let’s help ’em. They’ll
never understand. ... Still, we can always try.”
The entire throng moved
up with laughter and amusement. It was a moment of hearty, genuine life at
last. Delight and Joy and Peace were everywhere.
Then John Mudbury
realised the truth—that he was dead.
XV.THE TRADITION
The noises outside the little flat at first
were very disconcerting after living in the country. They made sleep difficult.
At the cottage in Sussex where the family had lived, night brought deep,
comfortable silence, unless the wind was high, when the pine trees round the
duck-pond made a sound like surf, or if the gale was from the south-west, the
orchard roared a bit unpleasantly.
But in London it was
very different; sleep was easier in the daytime than at night. For after
nightfall the rumble of the traffic became spasmodic instead of continuous; the
motor-horns startled like warnings of alarm; after comparative silence the
furious rushing of a taxi-cab touched the nerves. From dinner till eleven
o’clock the streets subsided gradually; then came the army from theatres,
parties, and late dinners, hurrying home to bed. The motor-horns during this
hour were lively and incessant, like bugles of a regiment moving into battle.
The parents rarely retired until this attack was over. If quick about it, sleep
was possible then before the flying of the night-birds—an uncertain
squadron—screamed half the street awake again. But, these finally disposed of,
a delightful hush settled down upon the neighbourhood, profounder far than any
peace of the countryside. The deep rumble of the produce wagons, coming in to
the big London markets from the farms—generally about three A.M.—held no
disturbing quality.
But sometimes in the
stillness of very early morning, when streets were empty and pavements all
deserted, there was a sound of another kind that was startling and unwelcome.
For it was ominous. It came with a clattering violence that made nerves quiver
and forced the heart to pause and listen. A strange resonance was in it, a
volume of sound, moreover, that was hardly justified by its cause. For it was
hoofs. A horse swept hurrying up the deserted street, and was close upon the
building in a moment. It was audible suddenly, no gradual approach from a
distance, but as though it turned a corner from soft ground that muffled the
hoofs, on to the echoing, hard paving that emphasised the dreadful clatter. Nor
did it die away again when once the house was reached. It ceased as abruptly as
it came. The hoofs did not go away.
It was the mother who
heard them first, and drew her husband’s attention to their disagreeable
quality.
“It is the mail-vans,
dear,” he answered. “They go at four A.
M. to catch the early trains into the country.”
She looked up sharply,
as though something in his tone surprised her.
“But there’s no sound of
wheels,” she said. And then, as he did not reply, she added gravely, “You have
heard it too, John. I can tell.”
“I have,” he said. “I
have heard it—twice.”
And they looked at one
another searchingly, each trying to read the other’s mind. She did not question
him; he did not propose writing to complain in a newspaper; both understood
something that neither of them understood.
“I heard it first,” she
then said softly, “the night before Jack got the fever. And as I listened, I
heard him crying. But when I went in to see he was asleep. The noise stopped
just outside the building.” There was a shadow in her eyes as she said this,
and a hush crept in between her words. “I did not hear it go.” She
said this almost beneath her breath.
He looked a moment at
the ground; then, coming towards her, he took her in his arms and kissed
her. And she clung very tightly to him.
“Sometimes,” he said in
a quiet voice, “a mounted policeman passes down the street, I think.”
“It is a horse,” she
answered. But whether it was a question or mere corroboration he did not ask,
for at that moment the doctor arrived, and the question of little Jack’s health
became the paramount matter of immediate interest. The great man’s verdict was
uncommonly disquieting.
All that night they sat
up in the sick room. It was strangely still, as though by one accord the
traffic avoided the house where a little boy hung between life and death. The
motor-horns even had a muffled sound, and heavy drays and wagons used the wide
streets; there were fewer taxicabs about, or else they flew by noiselessly. Yet
no straw was down; the expense prohibited that. And towards morning, very
early, the mother decided to watch alone. She had been a trained nurse before
her marriage, accustomed when she was younger to long vigils. “You go down,
dear, and get a little sleep,” she urged in a whisper. “He’s quiet now. At five
o’clock I’ll come for you to take my place.”
“You’ll fetch me at
once,” he whispered, “if——” then hesitated as though breath failed him. A
moment he stood there staring from her face to the bed. “If you hear anything,”
he finished. She nodded, and he went downstairs to his study, not to his
bedroom. He left the door ajar. He sat in darkness, listening. Mother, he knew,
was listening, too, beside the bed. His heart was very full, for he did not
believe the boy could live till morning. The picture of the room was all the
time before his eyes—the shaded lamp, the table with the medicines, the little
wasted figure beneath the blankets, and mother close beside it, listening. He
sat alert, ready to fly upstairs at the smallest cry.
But no sound broke the
stillness; the entire neighbourhood was silent; all London slept. He heard
the clock strike three in the dining-room at the end of the corridor. It was
still enough for that. There was not even the heavy rumble of a single produce
wagon, though usually they passed about this time on their way to Smithfield
and Covent Garden markets. He waited, far too anxious to close his eyes. ... At
four o’clock he would go up and relieve her vigil. Four, he knew, was the time
when life sinks to its lowest ebb. ... Then, in the middle of his reflections,
thought stopped dead, and it seemed his heart stopped too.
Far away, but coming
nearer with extraordinary rapidity, a sharp, clear sound broke out of the
surrounding stillness—a horse’s hoofs. At first it was so distant that it might
have been almost on the high roads of the country, but the amazing speed with
which it came closer, and the sudden increase of the beating sound, was such,
that by the time he turned his head it seemed to have entered the street
outside. It was within a hundred yards of the building. The next second it was
before the very door. And something in him blenched. He knew a moment’s
complete paralysis. The abrupt cessation of the heavy clatter was strangest of
all. It came like lightning, it struck, it paused. It did not go away again. Yet
the sound of it was still beating in his ears as he dashed upstairs three steps
at a time. It seemed in the house as well, on the stairs behind him, in the
little passage-way, inside the very bedroom. It was an appalling
sound. Yet he entered a room that was quiet, orderly, and calm. It was silent.
Beside the bed his wife sat, holding Jack’s hand and stroking it. She was
soothing him; her face was very peaceful. No sound but her gentle whisper was
audible.
He controlled himself by
a tremendous effort, but his face betrayed his consternation and distress.
“Hush,” she said beneath her breath; “he’s sleeping much more calmly now.
The crisis, bless God, is over, I do believe. I dared not leave him.”
He saw in a moment that
she was right, and an untenable relief passed over him. He sat down beside her,
very cold, yet perspiring with heat.
“You heard——?” he asked
after a pause.
“Nothing,” she replied
quickly, “except his pitiful, wild words when the delirium was on him. It’s
passed. It lasted but a moment, or I’d have called you.”
He stared closely into
her tired eyes. “And his words?” he asked in a whisper. Whereupon she told him
quietly that the little chap had sat up with wide-opened eyes and talked
excitedly about a “great, great horse” he heard, but that was not “coming for
him.” “He laughed and said he would not go with it because he ‘was not ready
yet.’ Some scrap of talk he had overheard from us,” she added, “when we
discussed the traffic once. ...”
“But you heard nothing?”
he repeated almost impatiently.
No, she had heard
nothing. After all, then, he had dozed a moment in his
chair. ...
Four weeks later Jack,
entirely convalescent, was playing a restricted game of hide-and-seek with his
sister in the flat. It was really a forbidden joy, owing to noise and risk of
breakages, but he had unusual privileges after his grave illness. It was dusk.
The lamps in the street were being lit. “Quietly, remember; your mother’s
resting in her room,” were the father’s orders. She had just returned from a
week by the sea, recuperating from the strain of nursing for so many nights.
The traffic rolled and boomed along the streets below.
“Jack! Do come on and
hide. It’s your turn. I hid last.”
But the boy was standing
spellbound by the window, staring hard at something on the pavement. Sybil
called and tugged in vain. Tears threatened. Jack would not budge. He
declared he saw something.
“Oh, you’re always
seeing something. I wish you’d go and hide. It’s only because you can’t think
of a good place, really.”
“Look!” he cried in a voice
of wonder. And as he said it his father rose quickly from his chair before the
fire.
“Look!” the child
repeated with delight and excitement. “It’s a great big horse. And it’s
perfectly white all over.” His sister joined him at the window. “Where? Where?
I can’t see it. Oh, do show me!”
Their father was
standing close behind them now. “I heard it,” he was whispering, but so low the
children did not notice him. His face was the colour of chalk.
“Straight in front of
our door, stupid! Can’t you see it? Oh, I do wish it had come for me.
It’s such a beauty!” And he clapped his hands with pleasure
and excitement. “Quick, quick! It’s going away again!”
But while the children
stood half-squabbling by the window, their father leaned over a sofa in the
adjoining room above a figure whose heart in sleep had quietly stopped its
beating. The great white horse had come. But this time he had not only heard
its wonderful arrival. He had also heard it go. It seemed he heard the awful
hoofs beat down the sky, far, far away, and very swiftly, dying into silence,
finally up among the stars.
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