THE PRUSSIAN OFFICER and
Other Stories
by D. H. Lawrence
published 1914
Project Gutenberg Australia
Contents
I
They had marched more than thirty kilometres
since dawn, along the white, hot road where occasional thickets of trees threw
a moment of shade, then out into the glare again. On either hand, the valley,
wide and shallow, glittered with heat; dark green patches of rye, pale young
corn, fallow and meadow and black pine woods spread in a dull, hot diagram
under a glistening sky. But right in front the mountains ranged across, pale
blue and very still, snow gleaming gently out of the deep atmosphere. And
towards the mountains, on and on, the regiment marched between the rye fields
and the meadows, between the scraggy fruit trees set regularly on either side
the high road. The burnished, dark green rye threw off a suffocating heat, the
mountains drew gradually nearer and more distinct. While the feet of the
soldiers grew hotter, sweat ran through their hair under their helmets, and
their knapsacks could burn no more in contact with their shoulders, but seemed
instead to give off a cold, prickly sensation.
He walked on and on in silence, staring at the
mountains ahead, that rose sheer out of the land, and stood fold behind fold,
half earth, half heaven, the heaven, the barrier with slits of soft snow, in
the pale, bluish peaks.
He could now walk almost without pain. At the
start, he had determined not to limp. It had made him sick to take the first
steps, and during the first mile or so, he had compressed his breath, and the
cold drops of sweat had stood on his forehead. But he had walked it off. What
were they after all but bruises! He had looked at them, as he was getting up:
deep bruises on the backs of his thighs. And since he had made his first step
in the morning, he had been conscious of them, till now he had a tight, hot
place in his chest, with suppressing the pain, and holding himself in. There
seemed no air when he breathed. But he walked almost lightly.
The Captain's hand had trembled at taking his
coffee at dawn: his orderly saw it again. And he saw the fine figure of the
Captain wheeling on horseback at the farm-house ahead, a handsome figure in
pale blue uniform with facings of scarlet, and the metal gleaming on the black
helmet and the sword-scabbard, and dark streaks of sweat coming on the silky
bay horse. The orderly felt he was connected with that figure moving so
suddenly on horseback: he followed it like a shadow, mute and inevitable and
damned by it. And the officer was always aware of the tramp of the company
behind, the march of his orderly among the men.
The Captain was a tall man of about forty, grey
at the temples. He had a handsome, finely knit figure, and was one of the best
horsemen in the West. His orderly, having to rub him down, admired the amazing
riding-muscles of his loins.
For the rest, the orderly scarcely noticed the
officer any more than he noticed himself. It was rarely he saw his master's
face: he did not look at it. The Captain had reddish-brown, stiff hair, that he
wore short upon his skull. His moustache was also cut short and bristly over a
full, brutal mouth. His face was rather rugged, the cheeks thin. Perhaps the
man was the more handsome for the deep lines in his face, the irritable tension
of his brow, which gave him the look of a man who fights with life. His fair
eyebrows stood bushy over light blue eyes that were always flashing with cold
fire.
He was a Prussian aristocrat, haughty and
overbearing. But his mother had been a Polish Countess. Having made too many
gambling debts when he was young, he had ruined his prospects in the Army, and
remained an infantry captain. He had never married: his position did not allow
of it, and no woman had ever moved him to it. His time he spent
riding--occasionally he rode one of his own horses at the races--and at the
officers' club. Now and then he took himself a mistress. But after such an
event, he returned to duty with his brow still more tense, his eyes still more
hostile and irritable. With the men, however, he was merely impersonal, though
a devil when roused; so that, on the whole, they feared him, but had no great
aversion from him. They accepted him as the inevitable.
To his orderly he was at first cold and just and
indifferent: he did not fuss over trifles. So that his servant knew practically
nothing about him, except just what orders he would give, and how he wanted
them obeyed. That was quite simple. Then the change gradually came.
The orderly was a youth of about twenty-two, of
medium height, and well built. He had strong, heavy limbs, was swarthy, with a
soft, black, young moustache. There was something altogether warm and young
about him. He had firmly marked eyebrows over dark, expressionless eyes, that
seemed never to have thought, only to have received life direct through his
senses, and acted straight from instinct.
Gradually the officer had become aware of his
servant's young, vigorous, unconscious presence about him. He could not get
away from the sense of the youth's person, while he was in attendance. It was
like a warm flame upon the older man's tense, rigid body, that had become
almost unliving, fixed. There was something so free and self-contained about
him, and something in the young fellow's movement, that made the officer aware
of him. And this irritated the Prussian. He did not choose to be touched into
life by his servant. He might easily have changed his man, but he did not. He
now very rarely looked direct at his orderly, but kept his face averted, as if
to avoid seeing him. And yet as the young soldier moved unthinking about the
apartment, the elder watched him, and would notice the movement of his strong
young shoulders under the blue cloth, the bend of his neck. And it irritated
him. To see the soldier's young, brown, shapely peasant's hand grasp the loaf
or the wine-bottle sent a flash of hate or of anger through the elder man's
blood. It was not that the youth was clumsy: it was rather the blind,
instinctive sureness of movement of an unhampered young animal that irritated
the officer to such a degree.
Once, when a bottle of wine had gone over, and
the red gushed out on to the tablecloth, the officer had started up with an
oath, and his eyes, bluey like fire, had held those of the confused youth for a
moment. It was a shock for the young soldier. He felt something sink deeper,
deeper into his soul, where nothing had ever gone before. It left him rather
blank and wondering. Some of his natural completeness in himself was gone, a
little uneasiness took its place. And from that time an undiscovered feeling
had held between the two men.
Henceforward the orderly was afraid of really
meeting his master. His subconsciousness remembered those steely blue eyes and
the harsh brows, and did not intend to meet them again. So he always stared
past his master, and avoided him. Also, in a little anxiety, he waited for the
three months to have gone, when his time would be up. He began to feel a
constraint in the Captain's presence, and the soldier even more than the
officer wanted to be left alone, in his neutrality as servant.
He had served the Captain for more than a year,
and knew his duty. This he performed easily, as if it were natural to him. The
officer and his commands he took for granted, as he took the sun and the rain,
and he served as a matter of course. It did not implicate him personally.
But now if he were going to be forced into a
personal interchange with his master he would be like a wild thing caught, he
felt he must get away.
But the influence of the young soldier's being
had penetrated through the officer's stiffened discipline, and perturbed the
man in him. He, however, was a gentleman, with long, fine hands and cultivated
movements, and was not going to allow such a thing as the stirring of his
innate self. He was a man of passionate temper, who had always kept himself
suppressed. Occasionally there had been a duel, an outburst before the
soldiers. He knew himself to be always on the point of breaking out. But he
kept himself hard to the idea of the Service. Whereas the young soldier seemed
to live out his warm, full nature, to give it off in his very movements, which
had a certain zest, such as wild animals have in free movement. And this
irritated the officer more and more.
In spite of himself, the Captain could not
regain his neutrality of feeling towards his orderly. Nor could he leave the
man alone. In spite of himself, he watched him, gave him sharp orders, tried to
take up as much of his time as possible. Sometimes he flew into a rage with the
young soldier, and bullied him. Then the orderly shut himself off, as it were
out of earshot, and waited, with sullen, flushed face, for the end of the
noise. The words never pierced to his intelligence, he made himself,
protectively, impervious to the feelings of his master.
He had a scar on his left thumb, a deep seam
going across the knuckle. The officer had long suffered from it, and wanted to
do something to it. Still it was there, ugly and brutal on the young, brown
hand. At last the Captain's reserve gave way. One day, as the orderly was
smoothing out the tablecloth, the officer pinned down his thumb with a pencil,
asking:
"How did you come by that?"
The young man winced and drew back at attention.
"A wood axe, Herr Hauptmann," he
answered.
The officer waited for further explanation. None
came. The orderly went about his duties. The elder man was sullenly angry. His
servant avoided him. And the next day he had to use all his will-power to avoid
seeing the scarred thumb. He wanted to get hold of it and--A hot flame ran in
his blood.
He knew his servant would soon be free, and
would be glad. As yet, the soldier had held himself off from the elder man. The
Captain grew madly irritable. He could not rest when the soldier was away, and
when he was present, he glared at him with tormented eyes. He hated those fine,
black brows over the unmeaning, dark eyes, he was infuriated by the free
movement of the handsome limbs, which no military discipline could make stiff.
And he became harsh and cruelly bullying, using contempt and satire. The young
soldier only grew more mute and expressionless.
"What cattle were you bred by, that you
can't keep straight eyes? Look me in the eyes when I speak to you."
And the soldier turned his dark eyes to the
other's face, but there was no sight in them: he stared with the slightest
possible cast, holding back his sight, perceiving the blue of his master's
eyes, but receiving no look from them. And the elder man went pale, and his
reddish eyebrows twitched. He gave his order, barrenly.
Once he flung a heavy military glove into the
young soldier's face. Then he had the satisfaction of seeing the black eyes
flare up into his own, like a blaze when straw is thrown on a fire. And he had
laughed with a little tremor and a sneer.
But there were only two months more. The youth
instinctively tried to keep himself intact: he tried to serve the officer as if
the latter were an abstract authority and not a man. All his instinct was to avoid
personal contact, even definite hate. But in spite of himself the hate grew,
responsive to the officer's passion. However, he put it in the background. When
he had left the Army he could dare acknowledge it. By nature he was active, and
had many friends. He thought what amazing good fellows they were. But, without
knowing it, he was alone. Now this solitariness was intensified. It would carry
him through his term. But the officer seemed to be going irritably insane, and
the youth was deeply frightened.
The soldier had a sweetheart, a girl from the
mountains, independent and primitive. The two walked together, rather silently.
He went with her, not to talk, but to have his arm round her, and for the
physical contact. This eased him, made it easier for him to ignore the Captain;
for he could rest with her held fast against his chest. And she, in some
unspoken fashion, was there for him. They loved each other.
The Captain perceived it, and was mad with
irritation. He kept the young man engaged all the evenings long, and took
pleasure in the dark look that came on his face. Occasionally, the eyes of the
two men met, those of the younger sullen and dark, doggedly unalterable, those
of the elder sneering with restless contempt.
The officer tried hard not to admit the passion
that had got hold of him. He would not know that his feeling for his orderly
was anything but that of a man incensed by his stupid, perverse servant. So,
keeping quite justified and conventional in his consciousness, he let the other
thing run on. His nerves, however, were suffering. At last he slung the end of
a belt in his servant's face. When he saw the youth start back, the pain-tears
in his eyes and the blood on his mouth, he had felt at once a thrill of deep
pleasure and of shame.
But this, he acknowledged to himself, was a
thing he had never done before. The fellow was too exasperating. His own nerves
must be going to pieces. He went away for some days with a woman.
It was a mockery of pleasure. He simply did not
want the woman. But he stayed on for his time. At the end of it, he came back
in an agony of irritation, torment, and misery. He rode all the evening, then
came straight in to supper. His orderly was out. The officer sat with his long,
fine hands lying on the table, perfectly still, and all his blood seemed to be
corroding.
At last his servant entered. He watched the
strong, easy young figure, the fine eyebrows, the thick black hair. In a week's
time the youth had got back his old well-being. The hands of the officer
twitched and seemed to be full of mad flame. The young man stood at attention,
unmoving, shut off.
The meal went in silence. But the orderly seemed
eager. He made a clatter with the dishes.
"Are you in a hurry?" asked the
officer, watching the intent, warm face of his servant. The other did not
reply.
"Will you answer my question?" said
the Captain.
"Yes, sir," replied the orderly,
standing with his pile of deep Army plates. The Captain waited, looked at him,
then asked again:
"Are you in a hurry?"
"Yes, sir," came the answer, that sent
a flash through the listener.
"For what?"
"I was going out, sir."
"I want you this evening."
There was a moment's hesitation. The officer had
a curious stiffness of countenance.
"Yes, sir," replied the servant, in
his throat.
"I want you to-morrow evening also--in
fact, you may consider your evenings occupied, unless I give you leave."
The mouth with the young moustache set close.
"Yes, sir," answered the orderly,
loosening his lips for a moment.
He again turned to the door.
"And why have you a piece of pencil in your
ear?"
The orderly hesitated, then continued on his way
without answering. He set the plates in a pile outside the door, took the stump
of pencil from his ear, and put it in his pocket. He had been copying a verse
for his sweetheart's birthday card. He returned to finish clearing the table.
The officer's eyes were dancing, he had a little, eager smile.
"Why have you a piece of pencil in your
ear?" he asked.
The orderly took his hands full of dishes. His
master was standing near the great green stove, a little smile on his face, his
chin thrust forward. When the young soldier saw him his heart suddenly ran hot.
He felt blind. Instead of answering, he turned dazedly to the door. As he was
crouching to set down the dishes, he was pitched forward by a kick from behind.
The pots went in a stream down the stairs, he clung to the pillar of the
banisters. And as he was rising he was kicked heavily again, and again, so that
he clung sickly to the post for some moments. His master had gone swiftly into
the room and closed the door. The maid-servant downstairs looked up the
staircase and made a mocking face at the crockery disaster.
The officer's heart was plunging. He poured
himself a glass of wine, part of which he spilled on the floor, and gulped the
remainder, leaning against the cool, green stove. He heard his man collecting
the dishes from the stairs. Pale, as if intoxicated, he waited. The servant
entered again. The Captain's heart gave a pang, as of pleasure, seeing the
young fellow bewildered and uncertain on his feet, with pain.
"Schöner!" he said.
The soldier was a little slower in coming to
attention.
"Yes, sir!"
The youth stood before him, with pathetic young
moustache, and fine eyebrows very distinct on his forehead of dark marble.
"I asked you a question."
"Yes, sir."
The officer's tone bit like acid.
"Why had you a pencil in your ear?"
Again the servant's heart ran hot, and he could
not breathe. With dark, strained eyes, he looked at the officer, as if
fascinated. And he stood there sturdily planted, unconscious. The withering
smile came into the Captain's eyes, and he lifted his foot.
"I--I forgot it--sir," panted the
soldier, his dark eyes fixed on the other man's dancing blue ones.
"What was it doing there?"
He saw the young man's breast heaving as he made
an effort for words.
"I had been writing."
"Writing what?"
Again the soldier looked up and down. The
officer could hear him panting. The smile came into the blue eyes. The soldier
worked his dry throat, but could not speak. Suddenly the smile lit like a flame
on the officer's face, and a kick came heavily against the orderly's thigh. The
youth moved a pace sideways. His face went dead, with two black, staring eyes.
"Well?" said the officer.
The orderly's mouth had gone dry, and his tongue
rubbed in it as on dry brown-paper. He worked his throat. The officer raised
his foot. The servant went stiff.
"Some poetry, sir," came the
crackling, unrecognizable sound of his voice.
"Poetry, what poetry?" asked the
Captain, with a sickly smile.
Again there was the working in the throat. The
Captain's heart had suddenly gone down heavily, and he stood sick and tired.
"For my girl, sir," he heard the dry,
inhuman sound.
"Oh!" he said, turning away.
"Clear the table."
"Click!" went the soldier's throat;
then again, "click!" and then the half-articulate:
"Yes, sir."
The young soldier was gone, looking old, and
walking heavily.
The officer, left alone, held himself rigid, to
prevent himself from thinking. His instinct warned him that he must not think.
Deep inside him was the intense gratification of his passion, still working
powerfully. Then there was a counter-action, a horrible breaking down of
something inside him, a whole agony of reaction. He stood there for an hour
motionless, a chaos of sensations, but rigid with a will to keep blank his
consciousness, to prevent his mind grasping. And he held himself so until the
worst of the stress had passed, when he began to drink, drank himself to an
intoxication, till he slept obliterated. When he woke in the morning he was
shaken to the base of his nature. But he had fought off the realization of what
he had done. He had prevented his mind from taking it in, had suppressed it
along with his instincts, and the conscious man had nothing to do with it. He
felt only as after a bout of intoxication, weak, but the affair itself all dim
and not to be recovered. Of the drunkenness of his passion he successfully
refused remembrance. And when his orderly appeared with coffee, the officer
assumed the same self he had had the morning before. He refused the event of
the past night--denied it had ever been--and was successful in his denial. He
had not done any such thing--not he himself. Whatever there might be lay at the
door of a stupid, insubordinate servant.
The orderly had gone about in a stupor all the
evening. He drank some beer because he was parched, but not much, the alcohol
made his feeling come back, and he could not bear it. He was dulled, as if
nine-tenths of the ordinary man in him were inert. He crawled about disfigured.
Still, when he thought of the kicks, he went sick, and when he thought of the
threat of more kicking, in the room afterwards, his heart went hot and faint,
and he panted, remembering the one that had come. He had been forced to say,
"For my girl." He was much too done even to want to cry. His mouth
hung slightly open, like an idiot's. He felt vacant, and wasted. So, he
wandered at his work, painfully, and very slowly and clumsily, fumbling blindly
with the brushes, and finding it difficult, when he sat down, to summon the
energy to move again. His limbs, his jaw, were slack and nerveless. But he was
very tired. He got to bed at last, and slept inert, relaxed, in a sleep that
was rather stupor than slumber, a dead night of stupefaction shot through with
gleams of anguish.
In the morning were the manoeuvres. But he woke
even before the bugle sounded. The painful ache in his chest, the dryness of
his throat, the awful steady feeling of misery made his eyes come awake and
dreary at once. He knew, without thinking, what had happened. And he knew that
the day had come again, when he must go on with his round. The last bit of
darkness was being pushed out of the room. He would have to move his inert body
and go on. He was so young, and had known so little trouble, that he was
bewildered. He only wished it would stay night, so that he could lie still,
covered up by the darkness. And yet nothing would prevent the day from coming,
nothing would save him from having to get up and saddle the Captain's horse,
and make the Captain's coffee. It was there, inevitable. And then, he thought,
it was impossible. Yet they would not leave him free. He must go and take the
coffee to the Captain. He was too stunned to understand it. He only knew it was
inevitable--inevitable, however long he lay inert.
At last, after heaving at himself, for he seemed
to be a mass of inertia, he got up. But he had to force every one of his
movements from behind, with his will. He felt lost, and dazed, and helpless.
Then he clutched hold of the bed, the pain was so keen. And looking at his
thighs, he saw the darker bruises on his swarthy flesh and he knew that, if he
pressed one of his fingers on one of the bruises, he should faint. But he did
not want to faint--he did not want anybody to know. No one should ever know. It
was between him and the Captain. There were only the two people in the world
now--himself and the Captain.
Slowly, economically, he got dressed and forced
himself to walk. Everything was obscure, except just what he had his hands on.
But he managed to get through his work. The very pain revived his dull senses.
The worst remained yet. He took the tray and went up to the Captain's room. The
officer, pale and heavy, sat at the table. The orderly, as he saluted, felt himself
put out of existence. He stood still for a moment submitting to his own
nullification--then he gathered himself, seemed to regain himself, and then the
Captain began to grow vague, unreal, and the younger soldier's heart beat up.
He clung to this situation--that the Captain did not exist--so that he himself
might live. But when he saw his officer's hand tremble as he took the coffee,
he felt everything falling shattered. And he went away, feeling as if he
himself were coming to pieces, disintegrated. And when the Captain was there on
horseback, giving orders, while he himself stood, with rifle and knapsack, sick
with pain, he felt as if he must shut his eyes--as if he must shut his eyes on
everything. It was only the long agony of marching with a parched throat that
filled him with one single, sleep-heavy intention: to save himself.
II
He was getting used even to his parched throat.
That the snowy peaks were radiant among the sky, that the whity-green
glacier-river twisted through its pale shoals, in the valley below, seemed
almost supernatural. But he was going mad with fever and thirst. He plodded on
uncomplaining. He did not want to speak, not to anybody. There were two gulls,
like flakes of water and snow, over the river. The scent of green rye soaked in
sunshine came like a sickness. And the march continued, monotonously, almost
like a bad sleep.
At the next farm-house, which stood low and
broad near the high road, tubs of water had been put out. The soldiers
clustered round to drink. They took off their helmets, and the steam mounted
from their wet hair. The Captain sat on horseback, watching. He needed to see
his orderly. His helmet threw a dark shadow over his light, fierce eyes, but
his moustache and mouth and chin were distinct in the sunshine. The orderly
must move under the presence of the figure of the horseman. It was not that he
was afraid, or cowed. It was as if he was disembowelled, made empty, like an
empty shell. He felt himself as nothing, a shadow creeping under the sunshine.
And, thirsty as he was, he could scarcely drink, feeling the Captain near him.
He would not take off his helmet to wipe his wet hair. He wanted to stay in
shadow, not to be forced into consciousness. Starting, he saw the light heel of
the officer prick the belly of the horse; the Captain cantered away, and he
himself could relapse into vacancy.
Nothing, however, could give him back his living
place in the hot, bright morning. He felt like a gap among it all. Whereas the
Captain was prouder, overriding. A hot flash went through the young servant's
body. The Captain was firmer and prouder with life, he himself was empty as a
shadow. Again the flash went through him, dazing him out. But his heart ran a
little firmer.
The company turned up the hill, to make a loop
for the return. Below, from among the trees, the farm-bell clanged. He saw the
labourers, mowing barefoot at the thick grass, leave off their work and go
downhill, their scythes hanging over their shoulders, like long, bright claws
curving down behind them. They seemed like dream-people, as if they had no
relation to himself. He felt as in a blackish dream: as if all the other things
were there and had form, but he himself was only a consciousness, a gap that
could think and perceive.
The soldiers were tramping silently up the
glaring hillside. Gradually his head began to revolve, slowly, rhythmically.
Sometimes it was dark before his eyes, as if he saw this world through a smoked
glass, frail shadows and unreal. It gave him a pain in his head to walk.
The air was too scented, it gave no breath. All
the lush greenstuff seemed to be issuing its sap, till the air was deathly,
sickly with the smell of greenness. There was the perfume of clover, like pure
honey and bees. Then there grew a faint acrid tang--they were near the beeches;
and then a queer clattering noise, and a suffocating, hideous smell; they were
passing a flock of sheep, a shepherd in a black smock, holding his crook. Why
should the sheep huddle together under this fierce sun? He felt that the
shepherd would not see him, though he could see the shepherd.
At last there was the halt. They stacked rifles
in a conical stack, put down their kit in a scattered circle around it, and
dispersed a little, sitting on a small knoll high on the hillside. The chatter began.
The soldiers were steaming with heat, but were lively. He sat still, seeing the
blue mountains rising upon the land, twenty kilometres away. There was a blue
fold in the ranges, then out of that, at the foot, the broad, pale bed of the
river, stretches of whity-green water between pinkish-grey shoals among the
dark pine woods. There it was, spread out a long way off. And it seemed to come
downhill, the river. There was a raft being steered, a mile away. It was a
strange country. Nearer, a red-roofed, broad farm with white base and square
dots of windows crouched beside the wall of beech foliage on the wood's edge.
There were long strips of rye and clover and pale green corn. And just at his
feet, below the knoll, was a darkish bog, where globe flowers stood breathless
still on their slim stalks. And some of the pale gold bubbles were burst, and a
broken fragment hung in the air. He thought he was going to sleep.
Suddenly something moved into this coloured
mirage before his eyes. The Captain, a small, light-blue and scarlet figure,
was trotting evenly between the strips of corn, along the level brow of the
hill. And the man making flag-signals was coming on. Proud and sure moved the
horseman's figure, the quick, bright thing, in which was concentrated all the
light of this morning, which for the rest lay a fragile, shining shadow.
Submissive, apathetic, the young soldier sat and stared. But as the horse
slowed to a walk, coming up the last steep path, the great flash flared over
the body and soul of the orderly. He sat waiting. The back of his head felt as
if it were weighted with a heavy piece of fire. He did not want to eat. His
hands trembled slightly as he moved them. Meanwhile the officer on horseback
was approaching slowly and proudly. The tension grew in the orderly's soul.
Then again, seeing the Captain ease himself on the saddle, the flash blazed
through him.
The Captain looked at the patch of light blue
and scarlet, and dark heads, scattered closely on the hillside. It pleased him.
The command pleased him. And he was feeling proud. His orderly was among them
in common subjection. The officer rose a little on his stirrups to look. The
young soldier sat with averted, dumb face. The Captain relaxed on his seat. His
slim-legged, beautiful horse, brown as a beech nut, walked proudly uphill. The
Captain passed into the zone of the company's atmosphere: a hot smell of men,
of sweat, of leather. He knew it very well. After a word with the lieutenant,
he went a few paces higher, and sat there, a dominant figure, his sweat-marked
horse swishing its tail, while he looked down on his men, on his orderly, a
nonentity among the crowd.
The young soldier's heart was like fire in his
chest, and he breathed with difficulty. The officer, looking downhill, saw
three of the young soldiers, two pails of water between them, staggering across
a sunny green field. A table had been set up under a tree, and there the slim
lieutenant stood, importantly busy. Then the Captain summoned himself to an act
of courage. He called his orderly.
The flame leapt into the young soldier's throat
as he heard the command, and he rose blindly, stifled. He saluted, standing
below the officer. He did not look up. But there was the flicker in the
Captain's voice.
"Go to the inn and fetch me . . ." the
officer gave his commands. "Quick!" he added.
At the last word, the heart of the servant leapt
with a flash, and he felt the strength come over his body. But he turned in
mechanical obedience, and set off at a heavy run downhill, looking almost like
a bear, his trousers bagging over his military boots. And the officer watched
this blind, plunging run all the way.
But it was only the outside of the orderly's
body that was obeying so humbly and mechanically. Inside had gradually
accumulated a core into which all the energy of that young life was compact and
concentrated. He executed his commission, and plodded quickly back uphill.
There was a pain in his head, as he walked, that made him twist his features
unknowingly. But hard there in the centre of his chest was himself, himself,
firm, and not to be plucked to pieces.
The Captain had gone up into the wood. The
orderly plodded through the hot, powerfully smelling zone of the company's
atmosphere. He had a curious mass of energy inside him now. The Captain was
less real than himself. He approached the green entrance to the wood. There, in
the half-shade, he saw the horse standing, the sunshine and the flickering
shadow of leaves dancing over his brown body. There was a clearing where timber
had lately been felled. Here, in the gold-green shade beside the brilliant cup
of sunshine, stood two figures, blue and pink, the bits of pink showing out
plainly. The Captain was talking to his lieutenant.
The orderly stood on the edge of the bright
clearing, where great trunks of trees, stripped and glistening, lay stretched
like naked, brown-skinned bodies. Chips of wood littered the trampled floor,
like splashed light, and the bases of the felled trees stood here and there,
with their raw, level tops. Beyond was the brilliant, sunlit green of a beech.
"Then I will ride forward," the
orderly heard his Captain say. The lieutenant saluted and strode away. He
himself went forward. A hot flash passed through his belly, as he tramped
towards his officer.
The Captain watched the rather heavy figure of
the young soldier stumble forward, and his veins, too, ran hot. This was to be
man to man between them. He yielded before the solid, stumbling figure with
bent head. The orderly stooped and put the food on a level-sawn tree-base. The
Captain watched the glistening, sun-inflamed, naked hands. He wanted to speak
to the young soldier, but could not. The servant propped a bottle against his
thigh, pressed open the cork, and poured out the beer into the mug. He kept his
head bent. The Captain accepted the mug.
"Hot!" he said, as if amiably.
The flame sprang out of the orderly's heart,
nearly suffocating him.
"Yes, sir," he replied, between shut
teeth.
And he heard the sound of the Captain's
drinking, and he clenched his fists, such a strong torment came into his
wrists. Then came the faint clang of the closing pot-lid. He looked up. The
Captain was watching him. He glanced swiftly away. Then he saw the officer
stoop and take a piece of bread from the tree-base. Again the flash of flame went
through the young soldier, seeing the stiff body stoop beneath him, and his
hands jerked. He looked away. He could feel the officer was nervous. The bread
fell as it was being broken. The officer ate the other piece. The two men stood
tense and still, the master laboriously chewing his bread, the servant staring
with averted face, his fist clenched.
Then the young soldier started. The officer had
pressed open the lid of the mug again. The orderly watched the lid of the mug,
and the white hand that clenched the handle, as if he were fascinated. It was
raised. The youth followed it with his eyes. And then he saw the thin, strong
throat of the elder man moving up and down as he drank, the strong jaw working.
And the instinct which had been jerking at the young man's wrists suddenly
jerked free. He jumped, feeling as if it were rent in two by a strong flame.
The spur of the officer caught in a tree-root,
he went down backwards with a crash, the middle of his back thudding
sickeningly against a sharp-edged tree-base, the pot flying away. And in a
second the orderly, with serious, earnest young face, and underlip between his
teeth, had got his knee in the officer's chest and was pressing the chin
backward over the farther edge of the tree-stump, pressing, with all his heart
behind in a passion of relief, the tension of his wrists exquisite with relief.
And with the base of his palms he shoved at the chin, with all his might. And
it was pleasant, too, to have that chin, that hard jaw already slightly rough
with beard, in his hands. He did not relax one hair's breadth, but, all the
force of all his blood exulting in his thrust, he shoved back the head of the
other man, till there was a little "cluck" and a crunching sensation.
Then he felt as if his head went to vapour. Heavy convulsions shook the body of
the officer, frightening and horrifying the young soldier. Yet it pleased him,
too, to repress them. It pleased him to keep his hands pressing back the chin,
to feel the chest of the other man yield in expiration to the weight of his
strong, young knees, to feel the hard twitchings of the prostrate body jerking
his own whole frame, which was pressed down on it.
But it went still. He could look into the
nostrils of the other man, the eyes he could scarcely see. How curiously the
mouth was pushed out, exaggerating the full lips, and the moustache bristling
up from them. Then, with a start, he noticed the nostrils gradually filled with
blood. The red brimmed, hesitated, ran over, and went in a thin trickle down
the face to the eyes.
It shocked and distressed him. Slowly, he got
up. The body twitched and sprawled there, inert. He stood and looked at it in
silence. It was a pity it was broken. It represented more than
the thing which had kicked and bullied him. He was afraid to look at the eyes.
They were hideous now, only the whites showing, and the blood running to them.
The face of the orderly was drawn with horror at the sight. Well, it was so. In
his heart he was satisfied. He had hated the face of the Captain. It was extinguished
now. There was a heavy relief in the orderly's soul. That was as it should be.
But he could not bear to see the long, military body lying broken over the
tree-base, the fine fingers crisped. He wanted to hide it away.
Quickly, busily, he gathered it up and pushed it
under the felled tree-trunks, which rested their beautiful, smooth length
either end on logs. The face was horrible with blood. He covered it with the
helmet. Then he pushed the limbs straight and decent, and brushed the dead
leaves off the fine cloth of the uniform. So, it lay quite still in the shadow
under there. A little strip of sunshine ran along the breast, from a chink
between the logs. The orderly sat by it for a few moments. Here his own life
also ended.
Then, through his daze, he heard the lieutenant,
in a loud voice, explaining to the men outside the wood, that they were to
suppose the bridge on the river below was held by the enemy. Now they were to
march to the attack in such and such a manner. The lieutenant had no gift of
expression. The orderly, listening from habit, got muddled. And when the
lieutenant began it all again he ceased to hear.
He knew he must go. He stood up. It surprised
him that the leaves were glittering in the sun, and the chips of wood
reflecting white from the ground. For him a change had come over the world. But
for the rest it had not--all seemed the same. Only he had left it. And he could
not go back. It was his duty to return with the beer-pot and the bottle. He
could not. He had left all that. The lieutenant was still hoarsely explaining.
He must go, or they would overtake him. And he could not bear contact with
anyone now.
He drew his fingers over his eyes, trying to
find out where he was. Then he turned away. He saw the horse standing in the
path. He went up to it and mounted. It hurt him to sit in the saddle. The pain
of keeping his seat occupied him as they cantered through the wood. He would
not have minded anything, but he could not get away from the sense of being
divided from the others. The path led out of the trees. On the edge of the wood
he pulled up and stood watching. There in the spacious sunshine of the valley
soldiers were moving in a little swarm. Every now and then, a man harrowing on
a strip of fallow shouted to his oxen, at the turn. The village and the
white-towered church was small in the sunshine. And he no longer belonged to
it--he sat there, beyond, like a man outside in the dark. He had gone out from
everyday life into the unknown, and he could not, he even did not want to go
back.
Turning from the sun-blazing valley, he rode
deep into the wood. Tree-trunks, like people standing grey and still, took no
notice as he went. A doe, herself a moving bit of sunshine and shadow, went
running through the flecked shade. There were bright green rents in the
foliage. Then it was all pine wood, dark and cool. And he was sick with pain,
he had an intolerable great pulse in his head, and he was sick. He had never
been ill in his life. He felt lost, quite dazed with all this.
Trying to get down from the horse, he fell,
astonished at the pain and his lack of balance. The horse shifted uneasily. He
jerked its bridle and sent it cantering jerkily away. It was his last
connection with the rest of things.
But he only wanted to lie down and not be disturbed.
Stumbling through the trees, he came on a quiet place where beeches and pine
trees grew on a slope. Immediately he had lain down and closed his eyes, his
consciousness went racing on without him. A big pulse of sickness beat in him
as if it throbbed through the whole earth. He was burning with dry heat. But he
was too busy, too tearingly active in the incoherent race of delirium to
observe.
III
He came to with a start. His mouth was dry and
hard, his heart beat heavily, but he had not the energy to get up. His heart
beat heavily. Where was he?--the barracks--at home? There was something
knocking. And, making an effort, he looked round--trees, and litter of
greenery, and reddish, bright, still pieces of sunshine on the floor. He did
not believe he was himself, he did not believe what he saw. Something was
knocking. He made a struggle towards consciousness, but relapsed. Then he
struggled again. And gradually his surroundings fell into relationship with
himself. He knew, and a great pang of fear went through his heart. Somebody was
knocking. He could see the heavy, black rags of a fir tree overhead. Then
everything went black. Yet he did not believe he had closed his eyes. He had
not. Out of the blackness sight slowly emerged again. And someone was knocking.
Quickly, he saw the blood-disfigured face of his Captain, which he hated. And
he held himself still with horror. Yet, deep inside him, he knew that it was
so, the Captain should be dead. But the physical delirium got hold of him.
Someone was knocking. He lay perfectly still, as if dead, with fear. And he
went unconscious.
When he opened his eyes again, he started,
seeing something creeping swiftly up a tree-trunk. It was a little bird. And
the bird was whistling overhead. Tap-tap-tap--it was the small, quick bird
rapping the tree-trunk with its beak, as if its head were a little round
hammer. He watched it curiously. It shifted sharply, in its creeping fashion.
Then, like a mouse, it slid down the bare trunk. Its swift creeping sent a
flash of revulsion through him. He raised his head. It felt a great weight.
Then, the little bird ran out of the shadow across a still patch of sunshine,
its little head bobbing swiftly, its white legs twinkling brightly for a
moment. How neat it was in its build, so compact, with pieces of white on its
wings. There were several of them. They were so pretty--but they crept like
swift, erratic mice, running here and there among the beech-mast.
He lay down again exhausted, and his
consciousness lapsed. He had a horror of the little creeping birds. All his
blood seemed to be darting and creeping in his head. And yet he could not move.
He came to with a further ache of exhaustion.
There was the pain in his head, and the horrible sickness, and his inability to
move. He had never been ill in his life. He did not know where he was or what
he was. Probably he had got sunstroke. Or what else?--he had silenced the
Captain for ever--some time ago--oh, a long time ago. There had been blood on
his face, and his eyes had turned upwards. It was all right, somehow. It was
peace. But now he had got beyond himself. He had never been here before. Was it
life, or not life? He was by himself. They were in a big, bright place, those
others, and he was outside. The town, all the country, a big bright place of
light: and he was outside, here, in the darkened open beyond, where each thing
existed alone. But they would all have to come out there sometime, those
others. Little, and left behind him, they all were. There had been father and
mother and sweetheart. What did they all matter? This was the open land.
He sat up. Something scuffled. It was a little,
brown squirrel running in lovely, undulating bounds over the floor, its red
tail completing the undulation of its body--and then, as it sat up, furling and
unfurling. He watched it, pleased. It ran on again, friskily, enjoying itself.
It flew wildly at another squirrel, and they were chasing each other, and
making little scolding, chattering noises. The soldier wanted to speak to them.
But only a hoarse sound came out of his throat. The squirrels burst away--they
flew up the trees. And then he saw the one peeping round at him, half-way up a
tree-trunk. A start of fear went through him, though, in so far as he was
conscious, he was amused. It still stayed, its little, keen face staring at him
halfway up the tree-trunk, its little ears pricked up, its clawey little hands
clinging to the bark, its white breast reared. He started from it in panic.
Struggling to his feet, he lurched away. He went
on walking, walking, looking for something--for a drink. His brain felt hot and
inflamed for want of water. He stumbled on. Then he did not know anything. He
went unconscious as he walked. Yet he stumbled on, his mouth open.
When, to his dumb wonder, he opened his eyes on
the world again, he no longer tried to remember what it was. There was thick,
golden light behind golden-green glitterings, and tall, grey-purple shafts, and
darknesses further off, surrounding him, growing deeper. He was conscious of a
sense of arrival. He was amid the reality, on the real, dark bottom. But there
was the thirst burning in his brain. He felt lighter, not so heavy. He supposed
it was newness. The air was muttering with thunder. He thought he was walking
wonderfully swiftly and was coming straight to relief--or was it to water?
Suddenly he stood still with fear. There was a
tremendous flare of gold, immense--just a few dark trunks like bars between him
and it. All the young level wheat was burnished gold glaring on its silky
green. A woman, full-skirted, a black cloth on her head for head-dress, was
passing like a block of shadow through the glistening, green corn, into the
full glare. There was a farm, too, pale blue in shadow, and the timber black.
And there was a church spire, nearly fused away in the gold. The woman moved
on, away from him. He had no language with which to speak to her. She was the
bright, solid unreality. She would make a noise of words that would confuse
him, and her eyes would look at him without seeing him. She was crossing there
to the other side. He stood against a tree.
When at last he turned, looking down the long,
bare grove whose flat bed was already filling dark, he saw the mountains in a
wonder-light, not far away, and radiant. Behind the soft, grey ridge of the
nearest range the further mountains stood golden and pale grey, the snow all
radiant like pure, soft gold. So still, gleaming in the sky, fashioned pure out
of the ore of the sky, they shone in their silence. He stood and looked at
them, his face illuminated. And like the golden, lustrous gleaming of the snow
he felt his own thirst bright in him. He stood and gazed, leaning against a
tree. And then everything slid away into space.
During the night the lightning fluttered
perpetually, making the whole sky white. He must have walked again. The world
hung livid round him for moments, fields a level sheen of grey-green light,
trees in dark bulk, and the range of clouds black across a white sky. Then the
darkness fell like a shutter, and the night was whole. A faint flutter of a
half-revealed world, that could not quite leap out of the darkness!--Then there
again stood a sweep of pallor for the land, dark shapes looming, a range of
clouds hanging overhead. The world was a ghostly shadow, thrown for a moment
upon the pure darkness, which returned ever whole and complete.
And the mere delirium of sickness and fever went
on inside him--his brain opening and shutting like the night--then sometimes
convulsions of terror from something with great eyes that stared round a
tree--then the long agony of the march, and the sun decomposing his blood--then
the pang of hate for the Captain, followed by a pang of tenderness and ease.
But everything was distorted, born of an ache and resolving into an ache.
In the morning he came definitely awake. Then
his brain flamed with the sole horror of thirstiness! The sun was on his face,
the dew was steaming from his wet clothes. Like one possessed, he got up.
There, straight in front of him, blue and cool and tender, the mountains ranged
across the pale edge of the morning sky. He wanted them--he wanted them
alone--he wanted to leave himself and be identified with them. They did not
move, they were still soft, with white, gentle markings of snow. He stood
still, mad with suffering, his hands crisping and clutching. Then he was
twisting in a paroxysm on the grass.
He lay still, in a kind of dream of anguish. His
thirst seemed to have separated itself from him, and to stand apart, a single
demand. Then the pain he felt was another single self. Then there was the clog
of his body, another separate thing. He was divided among all kinds of separate
beings. There was some strange, agonized connection between them, but they were
drawing further apart. Then they would all split. The sun, drilling down on
him, was drilling through the bond. Then they would all fall, fall through the
everlasting lapse of space. Then again, his consciousness reasserted itself. He
roused on to his elbow and stared at the gleaming mountains. There they ranked,
all still and wonderful between earth and heaven. He stared till his eyes went
black, and the mountains, as they stood in their beauty, so clean and cool,
seemed to have it, that which was lost in him.
IV
When the soldiers found him, three hours later,
he was lying with his face over his arm, his black hair giving off heat under
the sun. But he was still alive. Seeing the open, black mouth the young
soldiers dropped him in horror.
He died in the hospital at night, without having
seen again.
The doctors saw the bruises on his legs, behind,
and were silent.
The bodies of the two men lay together, side by
side, in the mortuary, the one white and slender, but laid rigidly at rest, the
other looking as if every moment it must rouse into life again, so young and unused,
from a slumber.
I
A wind was running, so that occasionally the
poplars whitened as if a flame flew up them. The sky was broken and blue among
moving clouds. Patches of sunshine lay on the level fields, and shadows on the
rye and the vineyards. In the distance, very blue, the cathedral bristled
against the sky, and the houses of the city of Metz clustered vaguely below,
like a hill.
Among the fields by the lime trees stood the
barracks, upon bare, dry ground, a collection of round-roofed huts of
corrugated iron, where the soldiers' nasturtiums climbed brilliantly. There was
a tract of vegetable garden at the side, with the soldiers' yellowish lettuces
in rows, and at the back the big, hard drilling-yard surrounded by a wire
fence.
At this time in the afternoon, the huts were
deserted, all the beds pushed up, the soldiers were lounging about under the
lime trees waiting for the call to drill. Bachmann sat on a bench in the shade
that smelled sickly with blossom. Pale green, wrecked lime flowers were
scattered on the ground. He was writing his weekly post card to his mother. He
was a fair, long, limber youth, good looking. He sat very still indeed, trying
to write his post card. His blue uniform, sagging on him as he sat bent over
the card, disfigured his youthful shape. His sunburnt hand waited motionless
for the words to come. "Dear mother"--was all he had written. Then he
scribbled mechanically: "Many thanks for your letter with what you sent.
Everything is all right with me. We are just off to drill on the
fortifications--" Here he broke off and sat suspended, oblivious of
everything, held in some definite suspense. He looked again at the card. But he
could write no more. Out of the knot of his consciousness no word would come.
He signed himself, and looked up, as a man looks to see if anyone has noticed
him in his privacy.
There was a self-conscious strain in his blue
eyes, and a pallor about his mouth, where the young, fair moustache glistened.
He was almost girlish in his good looks and his grace. But he had something of
military consciousness, as if he believed in the discipline for himself, and
found satisfaction in delivering himself to his duty. There was also a trace of
youthful swagger and dare-devilry about his mouth and his limber body, but this
was in suppression now.
He put the post card in the pocket of his tunic,
and went to join a group of his comrades who were lounging in the shade,
laughing and talking grossly. To-day he was out of it. He only stood near to
them for the warmth of the association. In his own consciousness something held
him down.
Presently they were summoned to ranks. The
sergeant came out to take command. He was a strongly built, rather heavy man of
forty. His head was thrust forward, sunk a little between his powerful
shoulders, and the strong jaw was pushed out aggressively. But the eyes were
smouldering, the face hung slack and sodden with drink.
He gave his orders in brutal, barking shouts,
and the little company moved forward, out of the wire-fenced yard to the open
road, marching rhythmically, raising the dust. Bachmann, one of the inner file
of four deep, marched in the airless ranks, half suffocated with heat and dust
and enclosure. Through the moving of his comrades' bodies, he could see the
small vines dusty by the roadside, the poppies among the tares fluttering and
blown to pieces, the distant spaces of sky and fields all free with air and
sunshine. But he was bound in a very dark enclosure of anxiety within himself.
He marched with his usual ease, being healthy
and well adjusted. But his body went on by itself. His spirit was clenched
apart. And ever the few soldiers drew nearer and nearer to the town, ever the
consciousness of the youth became more gripped and separate, his body worked by
a kind of mechanical intelligence, a mere presence of mind.
They diverged from the high road and passed in
single file down a path among trees. All was silent and green and mysterious,
with shadow of foliage and long, green, undisturbed grass. Then they came out
in the sunshine on a moat of water, which wound silently between the long,
flowery grass, at the foot of the earthworks, that rose in front in terraces
walled smooth on the face, but all soft with long grass at the top. Marguerite
daisies and lady's-slipper glimmered white and gold in the lush grass,
preserved here in the intense peace of the fortifications. Thickets of trees
stood round about. Occasionally a puff of mysterious wind made the flowers and
the long grass that crested the earthworks above bow and shake as with signals
of oncoming alarm.
The group of soldiers stood at the end of the
moat, in their light blue and scarlet uniforms, very bright. The sergeant was
giving them instructions, and his shout came sharp and alarming in the intense,
untouched stillness of the place. They listened, finding it difficult to make
the effort of understanding.
Then it was over, and the men were moving to
make preparations. On the other side of the moat the ramparts rose smooth and
clear in the sun, sloping slightly back. Along the summit grass grew and tall
daisies stood ledged high, like magic, against the dark green of the tree-tops
behind. The noise of the town, the running of tram-cars, was heard distinctly,
but it seemed not to penetrate this still place.
The water of the moat was motionless. In silence
the practice began. One of the soldiers took a scaling ladder, and passing
along the narrow ledge at the foot of the earthworks, with the water of the
moat just behind him, tried to get a fixture on the slightly sloping wall-face.
There he stood, small and isolated, at the foot of the wall, trying to get his
ladder settled. At last it held, and the clumsy, groping figure in the baggy
blue uniform began to clamber up. The rest of the soldiers stood and watched.
Occasionally the sergeant barked a command. Slowly the clumsy blue figure
clambered higher up the wall-face. Bachmann stood with his bowels turned to
water. The figure of the climbing soldier scrambled out on to the terrace up
above, and moved, blue and distinct, among the bright green grass. The officer
shouted from below. The soldier tramped along, fixed the ladder in another
spot, and carefully lowered himself on to the rungs. Bachmann watched the blind
foot groping in space for the ladder, and he felt the world fall away beneath
him. The figure of the soldier clung cringing against the face of the wall,
cleaving, groping downwards like some unsure insect working its way lower and
lower, fearing every movement. At last, sweating and with a strained face, the
figure had landed safely and turned to the group of soldiers. But still it had
a stiffness and a blank, mechanical look, was something less than human.
Bachmann stood there heavy and condemned,
waiting for his own turn and betrayal. Some of the men went up easily enough,
and without fear. That only showed it could be done lightly, and made
Bachmann's case more bitter. If only he could do it lightly, like that.
His turn came. He knew intuitively that nobody
knew his condition. The officer just saw him as a mechanical thing. He tried to
keep it up, to carry it through on the face of things. His inside gripped
tight, as yet under control, he took the ladder and went along under the wall.
He placed his ladder with quick success, and wild, quivering hope possessed
him. Then blindly he began to climb. But the ladder was not very firm, and at
every hitch a great, sick, melting feeling took hold of him. He clung on fast.
If only he could keep that grip on himself, he would get through. He knew this,
in agony. What he could not understand was the blind gush of white-hot fear,
that came with great force whenever the ladder swerved, and which almost melted
his belly and all his joints, and left him powerless. If once it melted all his
joints and his belly, he was done. He clung desperately to himself. He knew the
fear, he knew what it did when it came, he knew he had only to keep a firm
hold. He knew all this. Yet, when the ladder swerved, and his foot missed,
there was the great blast of fear blowing on his heart and bowels, and he was
melting weaker and weaker, in a horror of fear and lack of control, melting to
fall.
Yet he groped slowly higher and higher, always
staring upwards with desperate face, and always conscious of the space below.
But all of him, body and soul, was growing hot to fusion point. He would have
to let go for very relief's sake. Suddenly his heart began to lurch. It gave a
great, sickly swoop, rose, and again plunged in a swoop of horror. He lay
against the wall inert as if dead, inert, at peace, save for one deep core of
anxiety, which knew that it was not all over, that he was
still high in space against the wall. But the chief effort of will was gone.
There came into his consciousness a small,
foreign sensation. He woke up a little. What was it? Then slowly it penetrated
him. His water had run down his leg. He lay there, clinging, still with shame,
half conscious of the echo of the sergeant's voice thundering from below. He
waited, in depths of shame beginning to recover himself. He had been shamed so
deeply. Then he could go on, for his fear for himself was conquered. His shame
was known and published. He must go on.
Slowly he began to grope for the rung above,
when a great shock shook through him. His wrists were grasped from above, he
was being hauled out of himself up, up to the safe ground. Like a sack he was
dragged over the edge of the earthworks by the large hands, and landed there on
his knees, grovelling in the grass to recover command of himself, to rise up on
his feet.
Shame, blind, deep shame and ignominy overthrew
his spirit and left it writhing. He stood there shrunk over himself, trying to
obliterate himself.
Then the presence of the officer who had hauled
him up made itself felt upon him. He heard the panting of the elder man, and
then the voice came down on his veins like a fierce whip. He shrank in tension
of shame.
"Put up your head--eyes front,"
shouted the enraged sergeant, and mechanically the soldier obeyed the command,
forced to look into the eyes of the sergeant. The brutal, hanging face of the
officer violated the youth. He hardened himself with all his might from seeing
it. The tearing noise of the sergeant's voice continued to lacerate his body.
Suddenly he set back his head, rigid, and his
heart leapt to burst. The face had suddenly thrust itself close, all distorted
and showing the teeth, the eyes smouldering into him. The breath of the barking
words was on his nose and mouth. He stepped aside in revulsion. With a scream
the face was upon him again. He raised his arm, involuntarily, in self-defence.
A shock of horror went through him, as he felt his forearm hit the face of the
officer a brutal blow. The latter staggered, swerved back, and with a curious
cry, reeled backwards over the ramparts, his hands clutching the air. There was
a second of silence, then a crash to water.
Bachmann, rigid, looked out of his inner silence
upon the scene. Soldiers were running.
"You'd better clear," said one young,
excited voice to him. And with immediate instinctive decision he started to
walk away from the spot. He went down the tree-hidden path to the high road
where the trams ran to and from the town. In his heart was a sense of
vindication, of escape. He was leaving it all, the military world, the shame.
He was walking away from it.
Officers on horseback rode sauntering down the
street, soldiers passed along the pavement. Coming to the bridge, Bachmann
crossed over to the town that heaped before him, rising from the flat,
picturesque French houses down below at the water's edge, up a jumble of roofs
and chasms of streets, to the lovely dark cathedral with its myriad pinnacles
making points at the sky.
He felt for the moment quite at peace, relieved
from a great strain. So he turned along by the river to the public gardens. Beautiful
were the heaped, purple lilac trees upon the green grass, and wonderful the
walls of the horse-chestnut trees, lighted like an altar with white flowers on
every ledge. Officers went by, elegant and all coloured, women and girls
sauntered in the chequered shade. Beautiful it was, he walked in a vision,
free.
II
But where was he going? He began to come out of
his trance of delight and liberty. Deep within him he felt the steady burning
of shame in the flesh. As yet he could not bear to think of it. But there it
was, submerged beneath his attention, the raw, steady-burning shame.
It behoved him to be intelligent. As yet he
dared not remember what he had done. He only knew the need to get away, away
from everything he had been in contact with.
But how? A great pang of fear went through him.
He could not bear his shamed flesh to be put again between the hands of
authority. Already the hands had been laid upon him, brutally upon his
nakedness, ripping open his shame and making him maimed, crippled in his own
control.
Fear became an anguish. Almost blindly he was
turning in the direction of the barracks. He could not take the responsibility
of himself. He must give himself up to someone. Then his heart, obstinate in
hope, became obsessed with the idea of his sweetheart. He would make himself
her responsibility.
Blenching as he took courage, he mounted the
small, quick-hurrying tram that ran out of the town in the direction of the
barracks. He sat motionless and composed, static.
He got out at the terminus and went down the
road. A wind was still running. He could hear the faint whisper of the rye, and
the stronger swish as a sudden gust was upon it. No one was about. Feeling
detached and impersonal, he went down a field-path between the low vines. Many
little vine trees rose up in spires, holding out tender pink shoots, waving
their tendrils. He saw them distinctly and wondered over them. In a field a
little way off, men and women were taking up the hay. The bullock-waggon stood
by on the path, the men in their blue shirts, the women with white cloths over
their heads carried hay in their arms to the cart, all brilliant and distinct
upon the shorn, glowing green acres. He felt himself looking out of darkness on
to the glamorous, brilliant beauty of the world around him, outside him.
The Baron's house, where Emilie was maidservant,
stood square and mellow among trees and garden and fields. It was an old French
grange. The barracks was quite near. Bachmann walked, drawn by a single
purpose, towards the courtyard. He entered the spacious, shadowy, sun-swept
place. The dog, seeing a soldier, only jumped and whined for greeting. The pump
stood peacefully in a corner, under a lime tree, in the shade.
The kitchen door was open. He hesitated, then
walked in, speaking shyly and smiling involuntarily. The two women started, but
with pleasure. Emilie was preparing the tray for afternoon coffee. She stood
beyond the table, drawn up, startled, and challenging, and glad. She had the
proud, timid eyes of some wild animal, some proud animal. Her black hair was
closely banded, her grey eyes watched steadily. She wore a peasant dress of
blue cotton sprigged with little red roses, that buttoned tight over her strong
maiden breasts.
At the table sat another young woman, the
nursery governess, who was picking cherries from a huge heap, and dropping them
into a bowl. She was young, pretty, freckled.
"Good day!" she said pleasantly.
"The unexpected."
Emilie did not speak. The flush came in her dark
cheek. She still stood watching, between fear and a desire to escape, and on
the other hand joy that kept her in his presence.
"Yes," he said, bashful and strained,
while the eyes of the two women were upon him. "I've got myself in a mess
this time."
"What?" asked the nursery governess,
dropping her hands in her lap. Emilie stood rigid.
Bachmann could not raise his head. He looked
sideways at the glistening, ruddy cherries. He could not recover the normal
world.
"I knocked Sergeant Huber over the
fortifications down into the moat," he said. "It was an
accident--but--"
And he grasped at the cherries, and began to eat
them, unknowing, hearing only Emilie's little exclamation.
"You knocked him over the
fortifications!" echoed Fräulein Hesse in horror. "How?"
Spitting the cherry-stones into his hand,
mechanically, absorbedly, he told them.
"Ach!" exclaimed Emilie sharply.
"And how did you get here?" asked
Fräulein Hesse.
"I ran off," he said.
There was a dead silence. He stood, putting
himself at the mercy of the women. There came a hissing from the stove, and a
stronger smell of coffee. Emilie turned swiftly away. He saw her flat, straight
back and her strong loins, as she bent over the stove.
"But what are you going to do?" said
Fräulein Hesse, aghast.
"I don't know," he said, grasping at
more cherries. He had come to an end.
"You'd better go to the barracks," she
said. "We'll get the Herr Baron to come and see about it."
Emilie was swiftly and quietly preparing the
tray. She picked it up, and stood with the glittering china and silver before
her, impassive, waiting for his reply. Bachmann remained with his head dropped,
pale and obstinate. He could not bear to go back.
"I'm going to try to get into France,"
he said.
"Yes, but they'll catch you," said
Fräulein Hesse.
Emilie watched with steady, watchful grey eyes.
"I can have a try, if I could hide till
to-night," he said.
Both women knew what he wanted. And they all
knew it was no good. Emilie picked up the tray, and went out. Bachmann stood
with his head dropped. Within himself he felt the dross of shame and
incapacity.
"You'd never get away," said the
governess.
"I can try," he said.
To-day he could not put himself between the
hands of the military. Let them do as they liked with him to-morrow, if he
escaped to-day.
They were silent. He ate cherries. The colour
flushed bright into the cheek of the young governess.
Emilie returned to prepare another tray
"He could hide in your room," the
governess said to her.
The girl drew herself away. She could not bear
the intrusion.
"That is all I can think of that is safe
from the children," said Fräulein Hesse.
Emilie gave no answer. Bachmann stood waiting
for the two women. Emilie did not want the close contact with him.
"You could sleep with me," Fräulein
Hesse said to her.
Emilie lifted her eyes and looked at the young
man, direct, clear, reserving herself.
"Do you want that?" she asked, her
strong virginity proof against him.
"Yes--yes--" he said uncertainly,
destroyed by shame.
She put back her head.
"Yes," she murmured to herself.
Quickly she filled the tray, and went out.
"But you can't walk over the frontier in a
night," said Fräulein Hesse.
"I can cycle," he said.
Emilie returned, a restraint, a neutrality, in
her bearing.
"I'll see if it's all right," said the
governess.
In a moment or two Bachmann was following Emilie
through the square hall, where hung large maps on the walls. He noticed a
child's blue coat with brass buttons on the peg, and it reminded him of Emilie
walking holding the hand of the youngest child, whilst he watched, sitting
under the lime tree. Already this was a long way off. That was a sort of
freedom he had lost, changed for a new, immediate anxiety.
They went quickly, fearfully up the stairs and
down a long corridor. Emilie opened her door, and he entered, ashamed, into her
room.
"I must go down," she murmured, and
she departed, closing the door softly.
It was a small, bare, neat room. There was a
little dish for holy-water, a picture of the Sacred Heart, a crucifix, and
a prie-Dieu. The small bed lay white and untouched, the wash-hand
bowl of red earth stood on a bare table, there was a little mirror and a small
chest of drawers. That was all.
Feeling safe, in sanctuary, he went to the
window, looking over the courtyard at the shimmering, afternoon country. He was
going to leave this land, this life. Already he was in the unknown.
He drew away into the room. The curious
simplicity and severity of the little Roman Catholic bedroom was foreign but
restoring to him. He looked at the crucifix. It was a long, lean, peasant
Christ carved by a peasant in the Black Forest. For the first time in his life,
Bachmann saw the figure as a human thing. It represented a man hanging there in
helpless torture. He stared at it, closely, as if for new knowledge.
Within his own flesh burned and smouldered the
restless shame. He could not gather himself together. There was a gap in his
soul. The shame within him seemed to displace his strength and his manhood.
He sat down on his chair. The shame, the roused
feeling of exposure acted on his brain, made him heavy, unutterably heavy.
Mechanically, his wits all gone, he took off his
boots, his belt, his tunic, put them aside, and lay down, heavy, and fell into
a kind of drugged sleep.
Emilie came in a little while, and looked at
him. But he was sunk in sleep. She saw him lying there inert, and terribly
still, and she was afraid. His shirt was unfastened at the throat. She saw his
pure white flesh, very clean and beautiful. And he slept inert. His legs, in
the blue uniform trousers, his feet in the coarse stockings, lay foreign on her
bed. She went away.
III
She was uneasy, perturbed to her last fibre. She
wanted to remain clear, with no touch on her. A wild instinct made her shrink
away from any hands which might be laid on her.
She was a foundling, probably of some gipsy
race, brought up in a Roman Catholic Rescue Home. A naïve, paganly religious
being, she was attached to the Baroness, with whom she had served for seven
years, since she was fourteen.
She came into contact with no one, unless it
were with Ida Hesse, the governess. Ida was a calculating, good-natured, not
very straight-forward flirt. She was the daughter of a poor country doctor.
Having gradually come into connection with Emilie, more an alliance than an
attachment, she put no distinction of grade between the two of them. They
worked together, sang together, walked together, and went together to the rooms
of Franz Brand, Ida's sweetheart. There the three talked and laughed together,
or the women listened to Franz, who was a forester, playing on his violin.
In all this alliance there was no personal
intimacy between the young women. Emilie was naturally secluded in herself, of
a reserved, native race. Ida used her as a kind of weight to balance her own
flighty movement. But the quick, shifty governess, occupied always in her
dealings with admirers, did all she could to move the violent nature of Emilie
towards some connection with men.
But the dark girl, primitive yet sensitive to a
high degree, was fiercely virgin. Her blood flamed with rage when the common
soldiers made the long, sucking, kissing noise behind her as she passed. She
hated them for their almost jeering offers. She was well protected by the
Baroness.
And her contempt of the common men in general
was ineffable. But she loved the Baroness, and she revered the Baron, and she
was at her ease when she was doing something for the service of a gentleman.
Her whole nature was at peace in the service of real masters or mistresses. For
her, a gentleman had some mystic quality that left her free and proud in
service. The common soldiers were brutes, merely nothing. Her desire was to
serve.
She held herself aloof. When, on Sunday
afternoon, she had looked through the windows of the Reichshalle in passing,
and had seen the soldiers dancing with the common girls, a cold revulsion and
anger had possessed her. She could not bear to see the soldiers taking off
their belts and pulling open their tunics, dancing with their shirts showing
through the open, sagging tunic, their movements gross, their faces transfigured
and sweaty, their coarse hands holding their coarse girls under the arm-pits,
drawing the female up to their breasts. She hated to see them clutched breast
to breast, the legs of the men moving grossly in the dance.
At evening, when she had been in the garden, and
heard on the other side of the hedge the sexual inarticulate cries of the girls
in the embraces of the soldiers, her anger had been too much for her, and she
had cried, loud and cold:
"What are you doing there, in the
hedge?"
She would have had them whipped.
But Bachmann was not quite a common soldier.
Fräulein Hesse had found out about him, and had drawn him and Emilie together.
For he was a handsome, blond youth, erect and walking with a kind of pride,
unconscious yet clear. Moreover, he came of a rich farming stock, rich for many
generations. His father was dead, his mother controlled the moneys for the time
being. But if Bachmann wanted a hundred pounds at any moment, he could have
them. By trade he, with one of his brothers, was a waggon-builder. The family
had the farming, smithy, and waggon-building of their village. They worked
because that was the form of life they knew. If they had chosen, they could
have lived independent upon their means.
In this way, he was a gentleman in sensibility,
though his intellect was not developed. He could afford to pay freely for
things. He had, moreover, his native, fine breeding. Emilie wavered uncertainly
before him. So he became her sweetheart, and she hungered after him. But she
was virgin, and shy, and needed to be in subjection, because she was primitive
and had no grasp on civilized forms of living, nor on civilized purposes.
IV
At six o'clock came the inquiry of the soldiers:
Had anything been seen of Bachmann? Fräulein Hesse answered, pleased to be
playing a rôle:
"No, I've not seen him since Sunday--have
you, Emilie?"
"No, I haven't seen him," said Emilie,
and her awkwardness was construed as bashfulness. Ida Hesse, stimulated, asked
questions, and played her part.
"But it hasn't killed Sergeant Huber?"
she cried in consternation.
"No. He fell into the water. But it gave
him a bad shock, and smashed his foot on the side of the moat. He's in
hospital. It's a bad look-out for Bachmann."
Emilie, implicated and captive, stood looking
on. She was no longer free, working with all this regulated system which she
could not understand and which was almost god-like to her. She was put out of
her place. Bachmann was in her room, she was no longer the faithful in service
serving with religious surety.
Her situation was intolerable to her. All
evening long the burden was upon her, she could not live. The children must be
fed and put to sleep. The Baron and Baroness were going out, she must give them
light refreshment. The man-servant was coming in to supper after returning with
the carriage. And all the while she had the insupportable feeling of being out
of the order, self-responsible, bewildered. The control of her life should come
from those above her, and she should move within that control. But now she was
out of it, uncontrolled and troubled. More than that, the man, the lover,
Bachmann, who was he, what was he? He alone of all men contained for her the
unknown quantity which terrified her beyond her service. Oh, she had wanted him
as a distant sweetheart, not close, like this, casting her out of her world.
When the Baron and Baroness had departed, and
the young manservant had gone out to enjoy himself, she went upstairs to
Bachmann. He had wakened up, and sat dimly in the room. Out in the open he heard
the soldiers, his comrades, singing the sentimental songs of the nightfall, the
drone of the concertina rising in accompaniment.
"Wenn ich zu mei . . . nem Kinde geh' . . .
In seinem Au . . . g die Mutter seh'. . . ."
But he himself was removed from it now. Only the
sentimental cry of young, unsatisfied desire in the soldiers' singing
penetrated his blood and stirred him subtly. He let his head hang; he had
become gradually roused: and he waited in concentration, in another world.
The moment she entered the room where the man
sat alone, waiting intensely, the thrill passed through her, she died in
terror, and after the death, a great flame gushed up, obliterating her. He sat
in trousers and shirt on the side of the bed. He looked up as she came in, and
she shrank from his face. She could not bear it. Yet she entered near to him.
"Do you want anything to eat?" she
said.
"Yes," he answered, and as she stood
in the twilight of the room with him, he could only hear his heart beat
heavily. He saw her apron just level with his face. She stood silent, a little
distance off, as if she would be there for ever. He suffered.
As if in a spell she waited, standing motionless
and looming there, he sat rather crouching on the side of the bed. A second
will in him was powerful and dominating. She drew gradually nearer to him,
coming up slowly, as if unconscious. His heart beat up swiftly. He was going to
move.
As she came quite close, almost invisibly he
lifted his arms and put them round her waist, drawing her with his will and
desire. He buried his face into her apron, into the terrible softness of her
belly. And he was a flame of passion intense about her. He had forgotten. Shame
and memory were gone in a whole, furious flame of passion.
She was quite helpless. Her hands leapt,
fluttered, and closed over his head, pressing it deeper into her belly,
vibrating as she did so. And his arms tightened on her, his hands spread over
her loins, warm as flame on her loveliness. It was intense anguish of bliss for
her, and she lost consciousness.
When she recovered, she lay translated in the
peace of satisfaction.
It was what she had had no inkling of, never
known could be. She was strong with eternal gratitude. And he was there with
her. Instinctively with an instinct of reverence and gratitude, her arms
tightened in a little embrace upon him who held her thoroughly embraced.
And he was restored and completed, close to her.
That little, twitching, momentary clasp of acknowledgment that she gave him in
her satisfaction, roused his pride unconquerable. They loved each other, and
all was whole. She loved him, he had taken her, she was given to him. It was
right. He was given to her, and they were one, complete.
Warm, with a glow in their hearts and faces,
they rose again, modest, but transfigured with happiness.
"I will get you something to eat," she
said, and in joy and security of service again, she left him, making a curious
little homage of departure. He sat on the side of the bed, escaped, liberated,
wondering, and happy.
V
Soon she came again with the tray, followed by
Fräulein Hesse. The two women watched him eat, watched the pride and wonder of
his being, as he sat there blond and naïf again. Emilie felt rich and complete.
Ida was a lesser thing than herself.
"And what are you going to do?" asked
Fräulein Hesse, jealous.
"I must get away," he said.
But words had no meaning for him. What did it
matter? He had the inner satisfaction and liberty.
"But you'll want a bicycle," said Ida
Hesse.
"Yes," he said.
Emilie sat silent, removed and yet with him,
connected with him in passion. She looked from this talk of bicycles and
escape.
They discussed plans. But in two of them was the
one will, that Bachmann should stay with Emilie. Ida Hesse was an outsider.
It was arranged, however, that Ida's lover
should put out his bicycle, leave it at the hut where he sometimes watched.
Bachmann should fetch it in the night, and ride into France. The hearts of all
three beat hot in suspense, driven to thought. They sat in a fire of agitation.
Then Bachmann would get away to America, and
Emilie would come and join him. They would be in a fine land then. The tale
burned up again.
Emilie and Ida had to go round to Franz Brand's
lodging. They departed with slight leave-taking. Bachmann sat in the dark, hearing
the bugle for retreat sound out of the night. Then he remembered his post card
to his mother. He slipped out after Emilie, gave it her to post. His manner was
careless and victorious, hers shining and trustful. He slipped back to shelter.
There he sat on the side of the bed, thinking.
Again he went over the events of the afternoon, remembering his own anguish of
apprehension because he had known he could not climb the wall without fainting
with fear. Still, a flush of shame came alight in him at the memory. But he
said to himself: "What does it matter?--I can't help it, well then I
can't. If I go up a height, I get absolutely weak, and can't help myself."
Again memory came over him, and a gush of shame, like fire. But he sat and
endured it. It had to be endured, admitted, and accepted. "I'm not a
coward, for all that," he continued. "I'm not afraid of danger. If
I'm made that way, that heights melt me and make me let go my water"--it
was torture for him to pluck at this truth--"if I'm made like that, I
shall have to abide by it, that's all. It isn't all of me." He thought of
Emilie, and was satisfied. "What I am, I am; and let it be enough,"
he thought.
Having accepted his own defect, he sat thinking,
waiting for Emilie, to tell her. She came at length, saying that Franz could
not arrange about his bicycle this night. It was broken. Bachmann would have to
stay over another day.
They were both happy. Emilie, confused before
Ida, who was excited and prurient, came again to the young man. She was stiff
and dignified with an agony of unusedness. But he took her between his hands,
and uncovered her, and enjoyed almost like madness her helpless, virgin body
that suffered so strongly, and that took its joy so deeply. While the moisture
of torment and modesty was still in her eyes, she clasped him closer, and
closer, to the victory and the deep satisfaction of both of them. And they
slept together, he in repose still satisfied and peaceful, and she lying close
in her static reality.
VI
In the morning, when the bugle sounded from the
barracks they rose and looked out of the window. She loved his body that was
proud and blond and able to take command. And he loved her body that was soft
and eternal. They looked at the faint grey vapour of summer steaming off from
the greenness and ripeness of the fields. There was no town anywhere, their
look ended in the haze of the summer morning. Their bodies rested together,
their minds tranquil. Then a little anxiety stirred in both of them from the
sound of the bugle. She was called back to her old position, to realize the
world of authority she did not understand but had wanted to serve. But this
call died away again from her. She had all.
She went downstairs to her work, curiously
changed. She was in a new world of her own, that she had never even imagined,
and which was the land of promise for all that. In this she moved and had her
being. And she extended it to her duties. She was curiously happy and absorbed.
She had not to strive out of herself to do her work. The doing came from within
her without call or command. It was a delicious outflow, like sunshine, the
activity that flowed from her and put her tasks to rights.
Bachmann sat busily thinking. He would have to
get all his plans ready. He must write to his mother, and she must send him
money to Paris. He would go to Paris, and from thence, quickly, to America. It
had to be done. He must make all preparations. The dangerous part was the
getting into France. He thrilled in anticipation. During the day he would need
a time-table of the trains going to Paris--he would need to think. It gave him
delicious pleasure, using all his wits. It seemed such an adventure.
This one day, and he would escape then into
freedom. What an agony of need he had for absolute, imperious freedom. He had
won to his own being, in himself and Emilie, he had drawn the stigma from his
shame, he was beginning to be himself. And now he wanted madly to be free to go
on. A home, his work, and absolute freedom to move and to be, in her, with her,
this was his passionate desire. He thought in a kind of ecstasy, living an hour
of painful intensity.
Suddenly he heard voices, and a tramping of
feet. His heart gave a great leap, then went still. He was taken. He had known
all along. A complete silence filled his body and soul, a silence like death, a
suspension of life and sound. He stood motionless in the bedroom, in perfect
suspension.
Emilie was busy passing swiftly about the
kitchen preparing the children's breakfasts when she heard the tramp of feet
and the voice of the Baron. The latter had come in from the garden, and was
wearing an old green linen suit. He was a man of middle stature, quick, finely
made, and of whimsical charm. His right hand had been shot in the
Franco-Prussian war, and now, as always when he was much agitated, he shook it
down at his side, as if it hurt. He was talking rapidly to a young, stiff
Ober-leutnant. Two private soldiers stood bearishly in the doorway.
Emilie, shocked out of herself, stood pale and
erect, recoiling.
"Yes, if you think so, we can look,"
the Baron was hastily and irascibly saying.
"Emilie," he said, turning to the
girl, "did you put a post card to the mother of this Bachmann in the box
last evening?"
Emilie stood erect and did not answer.
"Yes?" said the Baron sharply.
"Yes, Herr Baron," replied Emilie,
neutral.
The Baron's wounded hand shook rapidly in
exasperation. The lieutenant drew himself up still more stiffly. He was right.
"And do you know anything of the
fellow?" asked the Baron, looking at her with his blazing, greyish-golden
eyes. The girl looked back at him steadily, dumb, but her whole soul naked
before him. For two seconds he looked at her in silence. Then in silence,
ashamed and furious, he turned away.
"Go up!" he said, with his fierce,
peremptory command, to the young officer.
The lieutenant gave his order, in military cold
confidence, to the soldiers. They all tramped across the hall. Emilie stood
motionless, her life suspended.
The Baron marched swiftly upstairs and down the
corridor, the lieutenant and the common soldiers followed. The Baron flung open
the door of Emilie's room and looked at Bachmann, who stood watching, standing
in shirt and trousers beside the bed, fronting the door. He was perfectly
still. His eyes met the furious, blazing look of the Baron. The latter shook
his wounded hand, and then went still. He looked into the eyes of the soldier,
steadily. He saw the same naked soul exposed, as if he looked really into
the man. And the man was helpless, the more helpless for his
singular nakedness.
"Ha!" he exclaimed impatiently,
turning to the approaching lieutenant.
The latter appeared in the doorway. Quickly his
eyes travelled over the bare-footed youth. He recognized him as his object. He
gave the brief command to dress.
Bachmann turned round for his clothes. He was
very still, silent in himself. He was in an abstract, motionless world. That
the two gentlemen and the two soldiers stood watching him, he scarcely
realized. They could not see him.
Soon he was ready. He stood at attention. But only
the shell of his body was at attention. A curious silence, a blankness, like
something eternal, possessed him. He remained true to himself.
The lieutenant gave the order to march. The
little procession went down the stairs with careful, respectful tread, and
passed through the hall to the kitchen. There Emilie stood with her face
uplifted, motionless and expressionless. Bachmann did not look at her. They
knew each other. They were themselves. Then the little file of men passed out
into the courtyard.
The Baron stood in the doorway watching the four
figures in uniform pass through the chequered shadow under the lime trees.
Bachmann was walking neutralized, as if he were not there. The lieutenant went
brittle and long, the two soldiers lumbered beside. They passed out into the
sunny morning, growing smaller, going towards the barracks.
The Baron turned into the kitchen. Emilie was
cutting bread.
"So he stayed the night here?" he
said.
The girl looked at him, scarcely seeing. She was
too much herself. The Baron saw the dark, naked soul of her body in her
unseeing eyes.
"What were you going to do?" he asked.
"He was going to America," she
replied, in a still voice.
"Pah! You should have sent him straight
back," fired the Baron.
Emilie stood at his bidding, untouched.
"He's done for now," he said.
But he could not bear the dark, deep nakedness
of her eyes, that scarcely changed under this suffering.
"Nothing but a fool," he repeated,
going away in agitation, and preparing himself for what he could do.
I
Mr Lindley was first vicar of Aldecross. The
cottages of this tiny hamlet had nestled in peace since their beginning, and
the country folk had crossed the lanes and farm-lands, two or three miles, to
the parish church at Greymeed, on the bright Sunday mornings.
But when the pits were sunk, blank rows of
dwellings started up beside the high roads, and a new population, skimmed from
the floating scum of workmen, was filled in, the cottages and the country
people almost obliterated.
To suit the convenience of these new
collier-inhabitants, a church must be built at Aldecross. There was not too
much money. And so the little building crouched like a humped stone-and-mortar
mouse, with two little turrets at the west corners for ears, in the fields near
the cottages and the apple trees, as far as possible from the dwellings down
the high road. It had an uncertain, timid look about it. And so they planted
big-leaved ivy, to hide its shrinking newness. So that now the little church
stands buried in its greenery, stranded and sleeping among the fields, while
the brick houses elbow nearer and nearer, threatening to crush it down. It is
already obsolete.
The Reverend Ernest Lindley, aged twenty-seven,
and newly married, came from his curacy in Suffolk to take charge of his
church. He was just an ordinary young man, who had been to Cambridge and taken
orders. His wife was a self-assured young woman, daughter of a Cambridgeshire
rector. Her father had spent the whole of his thousand a year, so that Mrs
Lindley had nothing of her own. Thus the young married people came to Aldecross
to live on a stipend of about a hundred and twenty pounds, and to keep up a
superior position.
They were not very well received by the new,
raw, disaffected population of colliers. Being accustomed to farm labourers, Mr
Lindley had considered himself as belonging indisputably to the upper or
ordering classes. He had to be humble to the county families, but still, he was
of their kind, whilst the common people were something different. He had no
doubts of himself.
He found, however, that the collier population
refused to accept this arrangement. They had no use for him in their lives, and
they told him so, callously. The women merely said, "they were
throng," or else, "Oh, it's no good you coming here, we're
Chapel." The men were quite good-humoured so long as he did not touch them
too nigh, they were cheerfully contemptuous of him, with a preconceived
contempt he was powerless against.
At last, passing from indignation to silent
resentment, even, if he dared have acknowledged it, to conscious hatred of the
majority of his flock, and unconscious hatred of himself, he confined his
activities to a narrow round of cottages, and he had to submit. He had no
particular character, having always depended on his position in society to give
him position among men. Now he was so poor, he had no social standing even
among the common vulgar tradespeople of the district, and he had not the nature
nor the wish to make his society agreeable to them, nor the strength to impose
himself where he would have liked to be recognized. He dragged on, pale and
miserable and neutral.
At first his wife raged with mortification. She
took on airs and used a high hand. But her income was too small, the wrestling
with tradesmen's bills was too pitiful, she only met with general, callous
ridicule when she tried to be impressive.
Wounded to the quick of her pride, she found
herself isolated in an indifferent, callous population. She raged indoors and
out. But soon she learned that she must pay too heavily for her outdoor rages,
and then she only raged within the walls of the rectory. There her feeling was
so strong, that she frightened herself. She saw herself hating her husband, and
she knew that, unless she were careful, she would smash her form of life and
bring catastrophe upon him and upon herself. So in very fear, she went quiet.
She hid, bitter and beaten by fear, behind the only shelter she had in the
world, her gloomy, poor parsonage.
Children were born one every year; almost
mechanically, she continued to perform her maternal duty, which was forced upon
her. Gradually, broken by the suppressing of her violent anger and misery and
disgust, she became an invalid and took to her couch.
The children grew up healthy, but unwarmed and
rather rigid. Their father and mother educated them at home, made them very
proud and very genteel, put them definitely and cruelly in the upper classes,
apart from the vulgar around them. So they lived quite isolated. They were good-looking,
and had that curiously clean, semi-transparent look of the genteel, isolated
poor.
Gradually Mr and Mrs Lindley lost all hold on
life, and spent their hours, weeks and years merely haggling to make ends meet,
and bitterly repressing and pruning their children into gentility, urging them
to ambition, weighting them with duty. On Sunday morning the whole family,
except the mother, went down the lane to church, the long-legged girls in
skimpy frocks, the boys in black coats and long, grey, unfitting trousers. They
passed by their father's parishioners with mute, clear faces, childish mouths
closed in pride that was like a doom to them, and childish eyes already
unseeing. Miss Mary, the eldest, was the leader. She was a long, slim thing
with a fine profile and a proud, pure look of submission to a high fate. Miss
Louisa, the second, was short and plump and obstinate-looking. She had more
enemies than ideals. She looked after the lesser children, Miss Mary after the
elder. The collier children watched this pale, distinguished procession of the
vicar's family pass mutely by, and they were impressed by the air of gentility
and distance, they made mock of the trousers of the small sons, they felt
inferior in themselves, and hate stirred their hearts.
In her time, Miss Mary received as governess a
few little daughters of tradesmen; Miss Louisa managed the house and went among
her father's church-goers, giving lessons on the piano to the colliers'
daughters at thirteen shillings for twenty-six lessons.
II
One winter morning, when his daughter Mary was
about twenty years old, Mr Lindley, a thin, unobtrusive figure in his black
overcoat and his wideawake, went down into Aldecross with a packet of white
papers under his arm. He was delivering the parish almanacs.
A rather pale, neutral man of middle age, he
waited while the train thumped over the level-crossing, going up to the pit
which rattled busily just along the line. A wooden-legged man hobbled to open
the gate, Mr Lindley passed on. Just at his left hand, below the road and the
railway, was the red roof of a cottage, showing through the bare twigs of apple
trees. Mr Lindley passed round the low wall, and descended the worn steps that
led from the highway down to the cottage which crouched darkly and quietly away
below the rumble of passing trains and the clank of coal-carts in a quiet
little under-world of its own. Snowdrops with tight-shut buds were hanging very
still under the bare currant bushes.
The clergyman was just going to knock when he
heard a clinking noise, and turning saw through the open door of a black shed
just behind him an elderly woman in a black lace cap stooping among reddish big
cans, pouring a very bright liquid into a tundish. There was a smell of
paraffin. The woman put down her can, took the tundish and laid it on a shelf,
then rose with a tin bottle. Her eyes met those of the clergyman.
"Oh, is it you, Mr Lin'ley!" she said,
in a complaining tone. "Go in."
The minister entered the house. In the hot
kitchen sat a big, elderly man with a great grey beard, taking snuff. He
grunted in a deep, muttering voice, telling the minister to sit down, and then
took no more notice of him, but stared vacantly into the fire. Mr Lindley
waited.
The woman came in, the ribbons of her black lace
cap, or bonnet, hanging on her shawl. She was of medium stature, everything
about her was tidy. She went up a step out of the kitchen, carrying the
paraffin tin. Feet were heard entering the room up the step. It was a little
haberdashery shop, with parcels on the shelves of the walls, a big,
old-fashioned sewing machine with tailor's work lying round it, in the open
space. The woman went behind the counter, gave the child who had entered the
paraffin bottle, and took from her a jug.
"My mother says shall yer put it down,"
said the child, and she was gone. The woman wrote in a book, then came into the
kitchen with her jug. The husband, a very large man, rose and brought more coal
to the already hot fire. He moved slowly and sluggishly. Already he was going
dead; being a tailor, his large form had become an encumbrance to him. In his
youth he had been a great dancer and boxer. Now he was taciturn, and inert. The
minister had nothing to say, so he sought for his phrases. But John Durant took
no notice, existing silent and dull.
Mrs Durant spread the cloth. Her husband poured
himself beer into a mug, and began to smoke and drink.
"Shall you have some?" he growled
through his beard at the clergyman, looking slowly from the man to the jug,
capable of this one idea.
"No, thank you," replied Mr Lindley,
though he would have liked some beer. He must set the example in a drinking
parish.
"We need a drop to keep us going,"
said Mrs Durant.
She had rather a complaining manner. The
clergyman sat on uncomfortably while she laid the table for the half-past ten
lunch. Her husband drew up to eat. She remained in her little round arm-chair
by the fire.
She was a woman who would have liked to be easy
in her life, but to whose lot had fallen a rough and turbulent family, and a
slothful husband who did not care what became of himself or anybody. So, her
rather good-looking square face was peevish, she had that air of having been
compelled all her life to serve unwillingly, and to control where she did not
want to control. There was about her, too, that masterful aplomb of
a woman who has brought up and ruled her sons: but even them she had ruled
unwillingly. She had enjoyed managing her little haberdashery-shop, riding in
the carrier's cart to Nottingham, going through the big warehouses to buy her
goods. But the fret of managing her sons she did not like. Only she loved her
youngest boy, because he was her last, and she saw herself free.
This was one of the houses the clergyman visited
occasionally. Mrs Durant, as part of her regulation, had brought up all her
sons in the Church. Not that she had any religion. Only, it was what she was
used to. Mr Durant was without religion. He read the fervently evangelical
"Life of John Wesley" with a curious pleasure, getting from it a
satisfaction as from the warmth of the fire, or a glass of brandy. But he cared
no more about John Wesley, in fact, than about John Milton, of whom he had
never heard.
Mrs Durant took her chair to the table.
"I don't feel like eating," she
sighed.
"Why--aren't you well?" asked the
clergyman, patronizing.
"It isn't that," she sighed. She sat
with shut, straight mouth. "I don't know what's going to become of
us."
But the clergyman had ground himself down so
long, that he could not easily sympathize.
"Have you any trouble?" he asked.
"Ay, have I any trouble!" cried the
elderly woman. "I shall end my days in the workhouse."
The minister waited unmoved. What could she know
of poverty, in her little house of plenty!
"I hope not," he said.
"And the one lad as I wanted to keep by
me--" she lamented.
The minister listened without sympathy, quite
neutral.
"And the lad as would have been a support
to my old age! What is going to become of us?" she said.
The clergyman, justly, did not believe in the
cry of poverty, but wondered what had become of the son.
"Has anything happened to Alfred?" he
asked.
"We've got word he's gone for a Queen's
sailor," she said sharply.
"He has joined the Navy!" exclaimed Mr
Lindley. "I think he could scarcely have done better--to serve his Queen
and country on the sea . . ."
"He is wanted to serve me,"
she cried. "And I wanted my lad at home."
Alfred was her baby, her last, whom she had
allowed herself the luxury of spoiling.
"You will miss him," said Mr Lindley,
"that is certain. But this is no regrettable step for him to have
taken--on the contrary."
"That's easy for you to say, Mr
Lindley," she replied tartly. "Do you think I want my lad climbing
ropes at another man's bidding, like a monkey--?"
"There is no dishonour, surely,
in serving in the Navy?"
"Dishonour this dishonour that," cried
the angry old woman. "He goes and makes a slave of himself, and he'll rue
it."
Her angry, scornful impatience nettled the
clergyman and silenced him for some moments.
"I do not see," he retorted at last,
white at the gills and inadequate, "that the Queen's service is any more
to be called slavery than working in a mine."
"At home he was at home, and his own
master. I know he'll find a difference."
"It may be the making of him," said
the clergyman. "It will take him away from bad companionship and
drink."
Some of the Durants' sons were notorious
drinkers, and Alfred was not quite steady.
"And why indeed shouldn't he have his
glass?" cried the mother. "He picks no man's pocket to pay for
it!"
The clergyman stiffened at what he thought was
an allusion to his own profession, and his unpaid bills.
"With all due consideration, I am glad to
hear he has joined the Navy," he said.
"Me with my old age coming on, and his
father working very little! I'd thank you to be glad about something else
besides that, Mr Lindley."
The woman began to cry. Her husband, quite
impassive, finished his lunch of meat-pie, and drank some beer. Then he turned
to the fire, as if there were no one in the room but himself.
"I shall respect all men who serve God and
their country on the sea, Mrs Durant," said the clergyman stubbornly.
"That is very well, when they're not your
sons who are doing the dirty work.--It makes a difference," she replied
tartly.
"I should be proud if one of my sons were
to enter the Navy."
"Ay--well--we're not all of us made
alike--"
The minister rose. He put down a large folded
paper.
"I've brought the almanac," he said.
Mrs Durant unfolded it.
"I do like a bit of colour in things,"
she said, petulantly.
The clergyman did not reply.
"There's that envelope for the organist's
fund--" said the old woman, and rising, she took the thing from the
mantelpiece, went into the shop, and returned sealing it up.
"Which is all I can afford," she said.
Mr Lindley took his departure, in his pocket the
envelope containing Mrs Durant's offering for Miss Louisa's services. He went
from door to door delivering the almanacs, in dull routine. Jaded with the
monotony of the business, and with the repeated effort of greeting half-known
people, he felt barren and rather irritable. At last he returned home.
In the dining-room was a small fire. Mrs
Lindley, growing very stout, lay on her couch. The vicar carved the cold
mutton; Miss Louisa, short and plump and rather flushed, came in from the
kitchen; Miss Mary, dark, with a beautiful white brow and grey eyes, served the
vegetables; the children chattered a little, but not exuberantly. The very air
seemed starved.
"I went to the Durants," said the
vicar, as he served out small portions of mutton; "it appears Alfred has run
away to join the Navy."
"Do him good," came the rough voice of
the invalid.
Miss Louisa, attending to the youngest child,
looked up in protest.
"Why has he done that?" asked Mary's
low, musical voice.
"He wanted some excitement, I
suppose," said the vicar. "Shall we say grace?"
The children were arranged, all bent their
heads, grace was pronounced, at the last word every face was being raised to go
on with the interesting subject.
"He's just done the right thing, for
once," came the rather deep voice of the mother; "save him from
becoming a drunken sot, like the rest of them."
"They're not all drunken,
mama," said Miss Louisa, stubbornly.
"It's no fault of their upbringing if
they're not. Walter Durant is a standing disgrace."
"As I told Mrs Durant," said the
vicar, eating hungrily, "it is the best thing he could have done. It will
take him away from temptation during the most dangerous years of his life--how
old is he--nineteen?"
"Twenty," said Miss Louisa.
"Twenty!" repeated the vicar. "It
will give him wholesome discipline and set before him some sort of standard of
duty and honour--nothing could have been better for him. But--"
"We shall miss him from the choir,"
said Miss Louisa, as if taking opposite sides to her parents.
"That is as it may be," said the
vicar. "I prefer to know he is safe in the Navy, than running the risk of
getting into bad ways here."
"Was he getting into bad ways?" asked
the stubborn Miss Louisa.
"You know, Louisa, he wasn't quite what he
used to be," said Miss Mary gently and steadily. Miss Louisa shut her
rather heavy jaw sulkily. She wanted to deny it, but she knew it was true.
For her he had been a laughing, warm lad, with
something kindly and something rich about him. He had made her feel warm. It
seemed the days would be colder since he had gone.
"Quite the best thing he could do,"
said the mother with emphasis.
"I think so," said the vicar.
"But his mother was almost abusive because I suggested it."
He spoke in an injured tone.
"What does she care for her children's
welfare?" said the invalid. "Their wages is all her concern."
"I suppose she wanted him at home with
her," said Miss Louisa.
"Yes, she did--at the expense of his
learning to be a drunkard like the rest of them," retorted her mother.
"George Durant doesn't drink," defended
her daughter.
"Because he got burned so badly when he was
nineteen--in the pit--and that frightened him. The Navy is a better remedy than
that, at least."
"Certainly," said the vicar.
"Certainly."
And to this Miss Louisa agreed. Yet she could
not but feel angry that he had gone away for so many years. She herself was
only nineteen.
III
It happened when Miss Mary was twenty-three
years old, that Mr Lindley was very ill. The family was exceedingly poor at the
time, such a lot of money was needed, so little was forthcoming. Neither Miss
Mary nor Miss Louisa had suitors. What chance had they? They met no eligible
young men in Aldecross. And what they earned was a mere drop in a void. The
girls' hearts were chilled and hardened with fear of this perpetual, cold
penury, this narrow struggle, this horrible nothingness of their lives.
A clergyman had to be found for the church work.
It so happened the son of an old friend of Mr Lindley's was waiting three
months before taking up his duties. He would come and officiate, for nothing.
The young clergyman was keenly expected. He was not more than twenty-seven, a
Master of Arts of Oxford, had written his thesis on Roman Law. He came of an
old Cambridgeshire family, had some private means, was going to take a church
in Northamptonshire with a good stipend, and was not married. Mrs Lindley
incurred new debts, and scarcely regretted her husband's illness.
But when Mr Massy came, there was a shock of
disappointment in the house. They had expected a young man with a pipe and a
deep voice, but with better manners than Sidney, the eldest of the Lindleys.
There arrived instead a small, chétif man, scarcely larger than a boy of
twelve, spectacled, timid in the extreme, without a word to utter at first; yet
with a certain inhuman self-sureness.
"What a little abortion!" was Mrs
Lindley's exclamation to herself on first seeing him, in his buttoned-up
clerical coat. And for the first time for many days, she was profoundly
thankful to God that all her children were decent specimens.
He had not normal powers of perception. They
soon saw that he lacked the full range of human feelings, but had rather a
strong, philosophical mind, from which he lived. His body was almost
unthinkable, in intellect he was something definite. The conversation at once
took a balanced, abstract tone when he participated. There was no spontaneous
exclamation, no violent assertion or expression of personal conviction, but all
cold, reasonable assertion. This was very hard on Mrs Lindley. The little man would
look at her, after one of her pronouncements, and then give, in his thin voice,
his own calculated version, so that she felt as if she were tumbling into thin
air through a hole in the flimsy floor on which their conversation stood. It
was she who felt a fool. Soon she was reduced to a hardy silence.
Still, at the back of her mind, she remembered
that he was an unattached gentleman, who would shortly have an income
altogether of six or seven hundred a year. What did the man matter, if there
were pecuniary ease! The man was a trifle thrown in. After twenty-two years her
sentimentality was ground away, and only the millstone of poverty mattered to
her. So she supported the little man as a representative of a decent income.
His most irritating habit was that of a sneering
little giggle, all on his own, which came when he perceived or related some
illogical absurdity on the part of another person. It was the only form of
humour he had. Stupidity in thinking seemed to him exquisitely funny. But any
novel was unintelligibly meaningless and dull, and to an Irish sort of humour
he listened curiously, examining it like mathematics, or else simply not
hearing. In normal human relationship he was not there. Quite unable to take
part in simple everyday talk, he padded silently round the house, or sat in the
dining-room looking nervously from side to side, always apart in a cold,
rarefied little world of his own. Sometimes he made an ironic remark, that did
not seem humanly relevant, or he gave his little laugh, like a sneer. He had to
defend himself and his own insufficiency. And he answered questions grudgingly,
with a yes or no, because he did not see their import and was nervous. It
seemed to Miss Louisa he scarcely distinguished one person from another, but
that he liked to be near her, or to Miss Mary, for some sort of contact which
stimulated him unknown.
Apart from all this, he was the most admirable
workman. He was unremittingly shy, but perfect in his sense of duty: as far as
he could conceive Christianity, he was a perfect Christian. Nothing that he
realized he could do for anyone did he leave undone, although he was so
incapable of coming into contact with another being, that he could not proffer
help. Now he attended assiduously to the sick man, investigated all the affairs
of the parish or the church which Mr Lindley had in control, straightened out
accounts, made lists of the sick and needy, padded round with help and to see
what he could do. He heard of Mrs Lindley's anxiety about her sons, and began
to investigate means of sending them to Cambridge. His kindness almost
frightened Miss Mary. She honoured it so, and yet she shrank from it. For, in
it all Mr Massy seemed to have no sense of any person, any human being whom he
was helping: he only realized a kind of mathematical working out, solving of
given situations, a calculated well-doing. And it was as if he had accepted the
Christian tenets as axioms. His religion consisted in what his scrupulous,
abstract mind approved of.
Seeing his acts, Miss Mary must respect and
honour him. In consequence she must serve him. To this she had to force
herself, shuddering and yet desirous, but he did not perceive it. She
accompanied him on his visiting in the parish, and whilst she was cold with
admiration for him, often she was touched with pity for the little padding
figure with bent shoulders, buttoned up to the chin in his overcoat. She was a
handsome, calm girl, tall, with a beautiful repose. Her clothes were poor, and
she wore a black silk scarf, having no furs. But she was a lady. As the people
saw her walking down Aldecross beside Mr Massy, they said:
"My word, Miss Mary's got a catch. Did ever
you see such a sickly little shrimp!"
She knew they were talking so, and it made her
heart grow hot against them, and she drew herself as it were protectively
towards the little man beside her. At any rate, she could see and give honour
to his genuine goodness.
He could not walk fast, or far.
"You have not been well?" she asked,
in her dignified way.
"I have an internal trouble."
He was not aware of her slight shudder. There
was silence, whilst she bowed to recover her composure, to resume her gentle
manner towards him.
He was fond of Miss Mary. She had made it a rule
of hospitality that he should always be escorted by herself or by her sister on
his visits in the parish, which were not many. But some mornings she was
engaged. Then Miss Louisa took her place. It was no good Miss Louisa's trying
to adopt to Mr Massy an attitude of queenly service. She was unable to regard
him save with aversion. When she saw him from behind, thin and bent-shouldered,
looking like a sickly lad of thirteen, she disliked him exceedingly, and felt a
desire to put him out of existence. And yet a deeper justice in Mary made
Louisa humble before her sister.
They were going to see Mr Durant, who was
paralysed and not expected to live. Miss Louisa was crudely ashamed at being
admitted to the cottage in company with the little clergyman.
Mrs Durant was, however, much quieter in the
face of her real trouble.
"How is Mr Durant?" asked Louisa.
"He is no different--and we don't expect
him to be," was the reply. The little clergyman stood looking on.
They went upstairs. The three stood for some
time looking at the bed, at the grey head of the old man on the pillow, the
grey beard over the sheet. Miss Louisa was shocked and afraid.
"It is so dreadful," she said, with a
shudder.
"It is how I always thought it would
be," replied Mrs Durant.
Then Miss Louisa was afraid of her. The two
women were uneasy, waiting for Mr Massy to say something. He stood, small and
bent, too nervous to speak.
"Has he any understanding?" he asked
at length.
"Maybe," said Mrs Durant. "Can
you hear, John?" she asked loudly. The dull blue eye of the inert man
looked at her feebly.
"Yes, he understands," said Mrs Durant
to Mr Massy. Except for the dull look in his eyes, the sick man lay as if dead.
The three stood in silence. Miss Louisa was obstinate but heavy-hearted under
the load of unlivingness. It was Mr Massy who kept her there in discipline. His
non-human will dominated them all.
Then they heard a sound below, a man's
footsteps, and a man's voice called subduedly:
"Are you upstairs, mother?"
Mrs Durant started and moved to the door. But
already a quick, firm step was running up the stairs.
"I'm a bit early, mother," a troubled
voice said, and on the landing they saw the form of the sailor. His mother came
and clung to him. She was suddenly aware that she needed something to hold on
to. He put his arms round her, and bent over her, kissing her.
"He's not gone, mother?" he asked
anxiously, struggling to control his voice.
Miss Louisa looked away from the mother and son
who stood together in the gloom on the landing. She could not bear it that she
and Mr Massy should be there. The latter stood nervously, as if ill at ease
before the emotion that was running. He was a witness, nervous, unwilling, but
dispassionate. To Miss Louisa's hot heart it seemed all, all wrong that they
should be there.
Mrs Durant entered the bedroom, her face wet.
"There's Miss Louisa and the vicar,"
she said, out of voice and quavering.
Her son, red-faced and slender, drew himself up
to salute. But Miss Louisa held out her hand. Then she saw his hazel eyes
recognize her for a moment, and his small white teeth showed in a glimpse of
the greeting she used to love. She was covered with confusion. He went round to
the bed; his boots clicked on the plaster floor, he bowed his head with
dignity.
"How are you, dad?" he said, laying
his hand on the sheet, faltering. But the old man stared fixedly and unseeing.
The son stood perfectly still for a few minutes, then slowly recoiled. Miss
Louisa saw the fine outline of his breast, under the sailor's blue blouse, as
his chest began to heave.
"He doesn't know me," he said, turning
to his mother. He gradually went white.
"No, my boy!" cried the mother,
pitiful, lifting her face. And suddenly she put her face against his shoulder,
he was stooping down to her, holding her against him, and she cried aloud for a
moment or two. Miss Louisa saw his sides heaving, and heard the sharp hiss of
his breath. She turned away, tears streaming down her face. The father lay
inert upon the white bed, Mr Massy looked queer and obliterated, so little now
that the sailor with his sunburned skin was in the room. He stood waiting. Miss
Louisa wanted to die, she wanted to have done. She dared not turn round again
to look.
"Shall I offer a prayer?" came the
frail voice of the clergyman, and all kneeled down.
Miss Louisa was frightened of the inert man upon
the bed. Then she felt a flash of fear of Mr Massy, hearing his thin, detached
voice. And then, calmed, she looked up. On the far side of the bed were the
heads of the mother and son, the one in the black lace cap, with the small
white nape of the neck beneath, the other, with brown, sun-scorched hair too
close and wiry to allow of a parting, and neck tanned firm, bowed as if
unwillingly. The great grey beard of the old man did not move, the prayer
continued. Mr Massy prayed with a pure lucidity, that they all might conform to
the higher Will. He was like something that dominated the bowed heads,
something dispassionate that governed them inexorably. Miss Louisa was afraid
of him. And she was bound, during the course of the prayer, to have a little
reverence for him. It was like a foretaste of inexorable, cold death, a taste
of pure justice.
That evening she talked to Mary of the visit.
Her heart, her veins were possessed by the thought of Alfred Durant as he held
his mother in his arms; then the break in his voice, as she remembered it again
and again, was like a flame through her; and she wanted to see his face more
distinctly in her mind, ruddy with the sun, and his golden-brown eyes, kind and
careless, strained now with a natural fear, the fine nose tanned hard by the
sun, the mouth that could not help smiling at her. And it went through her with
pride, to think of his figure, a straight, fine jet of life.
"He is a handsome lad," said she to
Miss Mary, as if he had not been a year older than herself. Underneath was the
deeper dread, almost hatred, of the inhuman being of Mr Massy. She felt she
must protect herself and Alfred from him.
"When I felt Mr Massy there," she
said, "I almost hated him. What right had he to be there!"
"Surely he has all right," said Miss
Mary after a pause. "He is really a Christian."
"He seems to me nearly an imbecile,"
said Miss Louisa.
Miss Mary, quiet and beautiful, was silent for a
moment:
"Oh, no," she said. "Not imbecile--"
"Well then--he reminds me of a six months'
child--or a five months' child--as if he didn't have time to get developed
enough before he was born."
"Yes," said Miss Mary, slowly.
"There is something lacking. But there is something wonderful in him: and
he is really good--"
"Yes," said Miss Louisa, "it
doesn't seem right that he should be. What right has that to
be called goodness!"
"But it is goodness,"
persisted Mary. Then she added, with a laugh: "And come, you wouldn't deny
that as well."
There was a doggedness in her voice. She went
about very quietly. In her soul, she knew what was going to happen. She knew
that Mr Massy was stronger than she, and that she must submit to what he was.
Her physical self was prouder, stronger than he, her physical self disliked and
despised him. But she was in the grip of his moral, mental being. And she felt
the days allotted out to her. And her family watched.
IV
A few days after, old Mr Durant died. Miss
Louisa saw Alfred once more, but he was stiff before her now, treating her not
like a person, but as if she were some sort of will in command and he a
separate, distinct will waiting in front of her. She had never felt such utter
steel-plate separation from anyone. It puzzled her and frightened her. What had
become of him? And she hated the military discipline--she was antagonistic to
it. Now he was not himself. He was the will which obeys set over against the
will which commands. She hesitated over accepting this. He had put himself out
of her range. He had ranked himself inferior, subordinate to her. And that was
how he would get away from her, that was how he would avoid all connection with
her: by fronting her impersonally from the opposite camp, by taking up the
abstract position of an inferior.
She went brooding steadily and sullenly over
this, brooding and brooding. Her fierce, obstinate heart could not give way. It
clung to its own rights. Sometimes she dismissed him. Why should he, inferior,
trouble her?
Then she relapsed to him, and almost hated him.
It was his way of getting out of it. She felt the cowardice of it, his calmly
placing her in a superior class, and placing himself inaccessibly apart, in an
inferior, as if she, the sensient woman who was fond of him, did not count. But
she was not going to submit. Dogged in her heart she held on to him.
V
In six months' time Miss Mary had married Mr
Massy. There had been no love-making, nobody had made any remark. But everybody
was tense and callous with expectation. When one day Mr Massy asked for Mary's
hand, Mr Lindley started and trembled from the thin, abstract voice of the
little man. Mr Massy was very nervous, but so curiously absolute.
"I shall be very glad," said the
vicar, "but of course the decision lies with Mary herself." And his
still feeble hand shook as he moved a Bible on his desk.
The small man, keeping fixedly to his idea,
padded out of the room to find Miss Mary. He sat a long time by her, while she
made some conversation, before he had readiness to speak. She was afraid of
what was coming, and sat stiff in apprehension. She felt as if her body would
rise and fling him aside. But her spirit quivered and waited. Almost in
expectation she waited, almost wanting him. And then she knew he would speak.
"I have already asked Mr Lindley,"
said the clergyman, while suddenly she looked with aversion at his little knees,
"if he would consent to my proposal." He was aware of his own
disadvantage, but his will was set.
She went cold as she sat, and impervious, almost
as if she had become stone. He waited a moment nervously. He would not persuade
her. He himself never even heard persuasion, but pursued his own course. He
looked at her, sure of himself, unsure of her, and said:
"Will you become my wife, Mary?"
Still her heart was hard and cold. She sat
proudly.
"I should like to speak to mama
first," she said.
"Very well," replied Mr Massy. And in
a moment he padded away.
Mary went to her mother. She was cold and
reserved.
"Mr Massy has asked me to marry him,
mama," she said. Mrs Lindley went on staring at her book. She was cramped
in her feeling.
"Well, and what did you say?"
They were both keeping calm and cold.
"I said I would speak to you before
answering him."
This was equivalent to a question. Mrs Lindley
did not want to reply to it. She shifted her heavy form irritably on the couch.
Miss Mary sat calm and straight, with closed mouth.
"Your father thinks it would not be a bad
match," said the mother, as if casually.
Nothing more was said. Everybody remained cold
and shut-off. Miss Mary did not speak to Miss Louisa, the Reverend Ernest
Lindley kept out of sight.
At evening Miss Mary accepted Mr Massy.
"Yes, I will marry you," she said,
with even a little movement of tenderness towards him. He was embarrassed, but
satisfied. She could see him making some movement towards her, could feel the
male in him, something cold and triumphant, asserting itself. She sat rigid,
and waited.
When Miss Louisa knew, she was silent with
bitter anger against everybody, even against Mary. She felt her faith wounded.
Did the real things to her not matter after all? She wanted to get away. She thought
of Mr Massy. He had some curious power, some unanswerable right. He was a will
that they could not controvert.--Suddenly a flush started in her. If he had
come to her she would have flipped him out of the room. He was never going to
touch her. And she was glad. She was glad that her blood would
rise and exterminate the little man, if he came too near to her, no matter how
her judgment was paralysed by him, no matter how he moved in abstract goodness.
She thought she was perverse to be glad, but glad she was. "I would just
flip him out of the room," she said, and she derived great satisfaction
from the open statement. Nevertheless, perhaps she ought still to feel that
Mary, on her plane, was a higher being than herself. But then Mary was Mary,
and she was Louisa, and that also was inalterable.
Mary, in marrying him, tried to become a pure
reason such as he was, without feeling or impulse. She shut herself up, she
shut herself rigid against the agonies of shame and the terror of violation
which came at first. She would not feel, and she would not
feel. She was a pure will acquiescing to him. She elected a certain kind of
fate. She would be good and purely just, she would live in a higher freedom
than she had ever known, she would be free of mundane care, she was a pure will
towards right. She had sold herself, but she had a new freedom. She had got rid
of her body. She had sold a lower thing, her body, for a higher thing, her
freedom from material things. She considered that she paid for all she got from
her husband. So, in a kind of independence, she moved proud and free. She had
paid with her body: that was henceforward out of consideration. She was glad to
be rid of it. She had bought her position in the world--that henceforth was
taken for granted. There remained only the direction of her activity towards
charity and high-minded living.
She could scarcely bear other people to be
present with her and her husband. Her private life was her shame. But then, she
could keep it hidden. She lived almost isolated in the rectory of the tiny
village miles from the railway. She suffered as if it were an insult to her own
flesh, seeing the repulsion which some people felt for her husband, or the
special manner they had of treating him, as if he were a "case". But
most people were uneasy before him, which restored her pride.
If she had let herself, she would have hated
him, hated his padding round the house, his thin voice devoid of human
understanding, his bent little shoulders and rather incomplete face that
reminded her of an abortion. But rigorously she kept to her position. She took
care of him and was just to him. There was also a deep craven fear of him,
something slave-like.
There was not much fault to be found with his
behaviour. He was scrupulously just and kind according to his lights. But the
male in him was cold and self-complete, and utterly domineering. Weak,
insufficient little thing as he was, she had not expected this of him. It was
something in the bargain she had not understood. It made her hold her head, to
keep still. She knew, vaguely, that she was murdering herself. After all, her
body was not quite so easy to get rid of. And this manner of disposing of
it--ah, sometimes she felt she must rise and bring about death, lift her hand
for utter denial of everything, by a general destruction.
He was almost unaware of the conditions about
him. He did not fuss in the domestic way, she did as she liked in the house.
Indeed, she was a great deal free of him. He would sit obliterated for hours.
He was kind, and almost anxiously considerate. But when he considered he was
right, his will was just blindly male, like a cold machine. And on most points
he was logically right, or he had with him the right of the creed they both
accepted. It was so. There was nothing for her to go against.
Then she found herself with child, and felt for
the first time horror, afraid before God and man. This also she had to go
through--it was the right. When the child arrived, it was a bonny, healthy lad.
Her heart hurt in her body, as she took the baby between her hands. The flesh
that was trampled and silent in her must speak again in the boy. After all, she
had to live--it was not so simple after all. Nothing was finished completely.
She looked and looked at the baby, and almost hated it, and suffered an anguish
of love for it. She hated it because it made her live again in the flesh, when
she could not live in the flesh, she could not. She wanted to
trample her flesh down, down, extinct, to live in the mind. And now there was
this child. It was too cruel, too racking. For she must love the child. Her
purpose was broken in two again. She had to become amorphous, purposeless,
without real being. As a mother, she was a fragmentary, ignoble thing.
Mr Massy, blind to everything else in the way of
human feeling, became obsessed by the idea of his child. When it arrived,
suddenly it filled the whole world of feeling for him. It was his obsession,
his terror was for its safety and well-being. It was something new, as if he
himself had been born a naked infant, conscious of his own exposure, and full
of apprehension. He who had never been aware of anyone else, all his life, now
was aware of nothing but the child. Not that he ever played with it, or kissed
it, or tended it. He did nothing for it. But it dominated him, it filled, and
at the same time emptied his mind. The world was all baby for him.
This his wife must also bear, his question:
"What is the reason that he cries?"--his reminder, at the first
sound: "Mary, that is the child,"--his restlessness if the
feeding-time were five minutes past. She had bargained for this--now she must
stand by her bargain.
VI
Miss Louisa, at home in the dingy vicarage, had
suffered a great deal over her sister's wedding. Having once begun to cry out
against it, during the engagement, she had been silenced by Mary's quiet:
"I don't agree with you about him, Louisa, I want to
marry him." Then Miss Louisa had been angry deep in her heart, and
therefore silent. This dangerous state started the change in her. Her own
revulsion made her recoil from the hitherto undoubted Mary.
"I'd beg the streets barefoot first,"
said Miss Louisa, thinking of Mr Massy.
But evidently Mary could perform a different
heroism. So she, Louisa the practical, suddenly felt that Mary, her ideal, was
questionable after all. How could she be pure--one cannot be dirty in act and
spiritual in being. Louisa distrusted Mary's high spirituality. It was no
longer genuine for her. And if Mary were spiritual and misguided, why did not
her father protect her? Because of the money. He disliked the whole affair, but
he backed away, because of the money. And the mother frankly did not care: her
daughters could do as they liked. Her mother's pronouncement:
"Whatever happens to him, Mary
is safe for life,"--so evidently and shallowly a calculation, incensed
Louisa.
"I'd rather be safe in the workhouse,"
she cried.
"Your father will see to that,"
replied her mother brutally. This speech, in its indirectness, so injured Miss
Louisa that she hated her mother deep, deep in her heart, and almost hated
herself. It was a long time resolving itself out, this hate. But it worked and
worked, and at last the young woman said:
"They are wrong--they are all wrong. They
have ground out their souls for what isn't worth anything, and there isn't a
grain of love in them anywhere. And I will have love. They
want us to deny it. They've never found it, so they want to say it doesn't
exist. But I will have it. I will love--it is
my birthright. I will love the man I marry--that is all I care about."
So Miss Louisa stood isolated from everybody.
She and Mary had parted over Mr Massy. In Louisa's eyes, Mary was degraded,
married to Mr Massy. She could not bear to think of her lofty, spiritual sister
degraded in the body like this. Mary was wrong, wrong, wrong: she was not
superior, she was flawed, incomplete. The two sisters stood apart. They still
loved each other, they would love each other as long as they lived. But they
had parted ways. A new solitariness came over the obstinate Louisa, and her
heavy jaw set stubbornly. She was going on her own way. But which way? She was
quite alone, with a blank world before her. How could she be said to have any
way? Yet she had her fixed will to love, to have the man she loved.
VII
When her boy was three years old, Mary had
another baby, a girl. The three years had gone by monotonously. They might have
been an eternity, they might have been brief as a sleep. She did not know.
Only, there was always a weight on top of her, something that pressed down her
life. The only thing that had happened was that Mr Massy had had an operation.
He was always exceedingly fragile. His wife had soon learned to attend to him
mechanically, as part of her duty.
But this third year, after the baby girl had
been born, Mary felt oppressed and depressed. Christmas drew near: the gloomy,
unleavened Christmas of the rectory, where all the days were of the same dark
fabric. And Mary was afraid. It was as if the darkness were coming upon her.
"Edward, I should like to go home for
Christmas," she said, and a certain terror filled her as she spoke.
"But you can't leave baby," said her
husband, blinking.
"We can all go."
He thought, and stared in his collective
fashion.
"Why do you wish to go?" he asked.
"Because I need a change. A change would do
me good, and it would be good for the milk."
He heard the will in his wife's voice, and was
at a loss. Her language was unintelligible to him. And while she was breeding,
either about to have a child, or nursing, he regarded her as a special sort of
being.
"Wouldn't it hurt baby to take her by the
train?" he said.
"No," replied the mother, "why
should it?"
They went. When they were in the train, it began
to snow. From the window of his first-class carriage the little clergyman
watched the big flakes sweep by, like a blind drawn across the country. He was
obsessed by thought of the baby, and afraid of the draughts of the carriage.
"Sit right in the corner," he said to
his wife, "and hold baby close back."
She moved at his bidding, and stared out of the
window. His eternal presence was like an iron weight on her brain. But she was
going partially to escape for a few days.
"Sit on the other side, Jack," said
the father. "It is less draughty. Come to this window."
He watched the boy in anxiety. But his children
were the only beings in the world who took not the slightest notice of him.
"Look, mother, look!" cried the boy.
"They fly right in my face"--he meant the snowflakes.
"Come into this corner," repeated his
father, out of another world.
"He's jumped on this one's back, mother,
an' they're riding to the bottom!" cried the boy, jumping with glee.
"Tell him to come on this side," the
little man bade his wife.
"Jack, kneel on this cushion," said
the mother, putting her white hand on the place.
The boy slid over in silence to the place she
indicated, waited still for a moment, then almost deliberately, stridently
cried:
"Look at all those in the corner, mother,
making a heap," and he pointed to the cluster of snowflakes with finger
pressed dramatically on the pane, and he turned to his mother a bit
ostentatiously.
"All in a heap!" she said.
He had seen her face, and had her response, and
he was somewhat assured. Vaguely uneasy, he was reassured if he could win her
attention.
They arrived at the vicarage at half-past two,
not having had lunch.
"How are you, Edward?" said Mr
Lindley, trying on his side to be fatherly. But he was always in a false
position with his son-in-law, frustrated before him, therefore, as much as
possible, he shut his eyes and ears to him. The vicar was looking thin and pale
and ill-nourished. He had gone quite grey. He was, however, still haughty; but,
since the growing-up of his children, it was a brittle haughtiness, that might
break at any moment and leave the vicar only an impoverished, pitiable figure.
Mrs Lindley took all the notice of her daughter, and of the children. She
ignored her son-in-law. Miss Louisa was clucking and laughing and rejoicing
over the baby. Mr Massy stood aside, a bent, persistent little figure.
"Oh a pretty!--a little pretty! oh a cold
little pretty come in a railway-train!" Miss Louisa was cooing to the
infant, crouching on the hearthrug opening the white woollen wraps and exposing
the child to the fireglow.
"Mary," said the little clergyman,
"I think it would be better to give baby a warm bath; she may take a
cold."
"I think it is not necessary," said
the mother, coming and closing her hand judiciously over the rosy feet and
hands of the mite. "She is not chilly."
"Not a bit," cried Miss Louisa.
"She's not caught cold."
"I'll go and bring her flannels," said
Mr Massy, with one idea.
"I can bath her in the kitchen then,"
said Mary, in an altered, cold tone.
"You can't, the girl is scrubbing
there," said Miss Louisa. "Besides, she doesn't want a bath at this
time of day."
"She'd better have one," said Mary,
quietly, out of submission. Miss Louisa's gorge rose, and she was silent. When
the little man padded down with the flannels on his arm, Mrs Lindley asked:
"Hadn't you better take a
hot bath, Edward?"
But the sarcasm was lost on the little
clergyman. He was absorbed in the preparations round the baby.
The room was dull and threadbare, and the snow
outside seemed fairy-like by comparison, so white on the lawn and tufted on the
bushes. Indoors the heavy pictures hung obscurely on the walls, everything was
dingy with gloom.
Except in the fireglow, where they had laid the
bath on the hearth. Mrs Massy, her black hair always smoothly coiled and
queenly, kneeled by the bath, wearing a rubber apron, and holding the kicking
child. Her husband stood holding the towels and the flannels to warm. Louisa,
too cross to share in the joy of the baby's bath, was laying the table. The boy
was hanging on the door-knob, wrestling with it to get out. His father looked
round.
"Come away from the door, Jack," he
said, ineffectually. Jack tugged harder at the knob as if he did not hear. Mr
Massy blinked at him.
"He must come away from the door,
Mary," he said. "There will be a draught if it is opened."
"Jack, come away from the door, dear,"
said the mother, dexterously turning the shiny wet baby on to her towelled
knee, then glancing round: "Go and tell Auntie Louisa about the
train."
Louisa, also afraid to open the door, was
watching the scene on the hearth. Mr Massy stood holding the baby's flannel, as
if assisting at some ceremonial. If everybody had not been subduedly angry, it
would have been ridiculous.
"I want to see out of the window,"
Jack said. His father turned hastily.
"Do you mind lifting him
on to a chair, Louisa," said Mary hastily. The father was too delicate.
When the baby was flannelled, Mr Massy went
upstairs and returned with four pillows, which he set in the fender to warm.
Then he stood watching the mother feed her child, obsessed by the idea of his
infant.
Louisa went on with her preparations for the
meal. She could not have told why she was so sullenly angry. Mrs Lindley, as
usual, lay silently watching.
Mary carried her child upstairs, followed by her
husband with the pillows. After a while he came down again.
"What is Mary doing? Why doesn't she come
down to eat?" asked Mrs Lindley.
"She is staying with baby. The room is
rather cold. I will ask the girl to put in a fire." He was going
absorbedly to the door.
"But Mary has had nothing to eat. It
is she who will catch cold," said the mother,
exasperated.
Mr Massy seemed as if he did not hear. Yet he
looked at his mother-in-law, and answered:
"I will take her something."
He went out. Mrs Lindley shifted on her couch
with anger. Miss Louisa glowered. But no one said anything, because of the
money that came to the vicarage from Mr Massy.
Louisa went upstairs. Her sister was sitting by
the bed, reading a scrap of paper.
"Won't you come down and eat?" the
younger asked.
"In a moment or two," Mary replied, in
a quiet, reserved voice, that forbade anyone to approach her.
It was this that made Miss Louisa most furious.
She went downstairs, and announced to her mother:
"I am going out. I may not be home to
tea."
VIII
No one remarked on her exit. She put on her fur
hat, that the village people knew so well, and the old Norfolk jacket. Louisa
was short and plump and plain. She had her mother's heavy jaw, her father's
proud brow, and her own grey, brooding eyes that were very beautiful when she
smiled. It was true, as the people said, that she looked sulky. Her chief
attraction was her glistening, heavy, deep-blond hair, which shone and gleamed
with a richness that was not entirely foreign to her.
"Where am I going?" she said to
herself, when she got outside in the snow. She did not hesitate, however, but
by mechanical walking found herself descending the hill towards Old Aldecross.
In the valley that was black with trees, the colliery breathed in stertorous
pants, sending out high conical columns of steam that remained upright, whiter
than the snow on the hills, yet shadowy, in the dead air. Louisa would not
acknowledge to herself whither she was making her way, till she came to the
railway crossing. Then the bunches of snow in the twigs of the apple tree that
leaned towards the fence told her she must go and see Mrs Durant. The tree was
in Mrs Durant's garden.
Alfred was now at home again, living with his
mother in the cottage below the road. From the highway hedge, by the railway
crossing, the snowy garden sheered down steeply, like the side of a hole, then
dropped straight in a wall. In this depth the house was snug, its chimney just
level with the road. Miss Louisa descended the stone stairs, and stood below in
the little backyard, in the dimness and the semi-secrecy. A big tree leaned
overhead, above the paraffin hut. Louisa felt secure from all the world down
there. She knocked at the open door, then looked round. The tongue of garden
narrowing in from the quarry bed was white with snow: she thought of the thick
fringes of snowdrops it would show beneath the currant bushes in a month's
time. The ragged fringe of pinks hanging over the garden brim behind her was
whitened now with snow-flakes, that in summer held white blossom to Louisa's
face. It was pleasant, she thought, to gather flowers that stooped to one's
face from above.
She knocked again. Peeping in, she saw the
scarlet glow of the kitchen, red firelight falling on the brick floor and on
the bright chintz cushions. It was alive and bright as a peep-show. She crossed
the scullery, where still an almanac hung. There was no one about. "Mrs
Durant," called Louisa softly, "Mrs Durant."
She went up the brick step into the front room,
that still had its little shop counter and its bundles of goods, and she called
from the stair-foot. Then she knew Mrs Durant was out.
She went into the yard to follow the old woman's
footsteps up the garden path.
She emerged from the bushes and raspberry canes.
There was the whole quarry bed, a wide garden white and dimmed, brindled with
dark bushes, lying half submerged. On the left, overhead, the little colliery
train rumbled by. Right away at the back was a mass of trees.
Louisa followed the open path, looking from
right to left, and then she gave a cry of concern. The old woman was sitting
rocking slightly among the ragged snowy cabbages. Louisa ran to her, found her
whimpering with little, involuntary cries.
"Whatever have you done?" cried
Louisa, kneeling in the snow.
"I've--I've--I was pulling a brussel-sprout
stalk--and--oh-h!--something tore inside me. I've had a pain," the old
woman wept from shock and suffering, gasping between her whimpers,--"I've
had a pain there--a long time--and now--oh--oh!" She panted, pressed her
hand on her side, leaned as if she would faint, looking yellow against the
snow. Louisa supported her.
"Do you think you could walk now?" she
asked.
"Yes," gasped the old woman.
Louisa helped her to her feet.
"Get the cabbage--I want it for Alfred's
dinner," panted Mrs Durant. Louisa picked up the stalk of brussel-sprouts,
and with difficulty got the old woman indoors. She gave her brandy, laid her on
the couch, saying:
"I'm going to send for a doctor--wait just
a minute."
The young woman ran up the steps to the
public-house a few yards away. The landlady was astonished to see Miss Louisa.
"Will you send for a doctor at once to Mrs
Durant," she said, with some of her father in her commanding tone.
"Is something the matter?" fluttered
the landlady in concern.
Louisa, glancing out up the road, saw the
grocer's cart driving to Eastwood. She ran and stopped the man, and told him.
Mrs Durant lay on the sofa, her face turned
away, when the young woman came back.
"Let me put you to bed," Louisa said.
Mrs Durant did not resist.
Louisa knew the ways of the working people. In
the bottom drawer of the dresser she found dusters and flannels. With the old
pit-flannel she snatched out the oven shelves, wrapped them up, and put them in
the bed. From the son's bed she took a blanket, and, running down, set it
before the fire. Having undressed the little old woman, Louisa carried her
upstairs.
"You'll drop me, you'll drop me!"
cried Mrs Durant.
Louisa did not answer, but bore her burden
quickly. She could not light a fire, because there was no fire-place in the
bedroom. And the floor was plaster. So she fetched the lamp, and stood it
lighted in one corner.
"It will air the room," she said.
"Yes," moaned the old woman.
Louisa ran with more hot flannels, replacing
those from the oven shelves. Then she made a bran-bag and laid it on the
woman's side. There was a big lump on the side of the abdomen.
"I've felt it coming a long time,"
moaned the old lady, when the pain was easier, "but I've not said
anything; I didn't want to upset our Alfred."
Louisa did not see why "our Alfred"
should be spared.
"What time is it?" came the plaintive
voice.
"A quarter to four."
"Oh!" wailed the old lady, "he'll
be here in half an hour, and no dinner ready for him."
"Let me do it?" said Louisa, gently.
"There's that cabbage--and you'll find the
meat in the pantry--and there's an apple pie you can hot up. But don't
you do it--!"
"Who will, then?" asked Louisa.
"I don't know," moaned the sick woman,
unable to consider.
Louisa did it. The doctor came and gave serious
examination. He looked very grave.
"What is it, doctor?" asked the old
lady, looking up at him with old, pathetic eyes in which already hope was dead.
"I think you've torn the skin in which a
tumour hangs," he replied.
"Ay!" she murmured, and she turned
away.
"You see, she may die any minute--and
it may be swaled away,"said the old doctor to Louisa.
The young woman went upstairs again.
"He says the lump may be swaled away, and
you may get quite well again," she said.
"Ay!" murmured the old lady. It did
not deceive her. Presently she asked:
"Is there a good fire?"
"I think so," answered Louisa.
"He'll want a good fire," the mother
said. Louisa attended to it.
Since the death of Durant, the widow had come to
church occasionally, and Louisa had been friendly to her. In the girl's heart
the purpose was fixed. No man had affected her as Alfred Durant had done, and
to that she kept. In her heart, she adhered to him. A natural sympathy existed
between her and his rather hard, materialistic mother.
Alfred was the most lovable of the old woman's
sons. He had grown up like the rest, however, headstrong and blind to
everything but his own will. Like the other boys, he had insisted on going into
the pit as soon as he left school, because that was the only way speedily to
become a man, level with all the other men. This was a great chagrin to his
mother, who would have liked to have this last of her sons a gentleman.
But still he remained constant to her. His
feeling for her was deep and unexpressed. He noticed when she was tired, or
when she had a new cap. And he bought little things for her occasionally. She
was not wise enough to see how much he lived by her.
At the bottom he did not satisfy her, he did not
seem manly enough. He liked to read books occasionally, and better still he
liked to play the piccolo. It amused her to see his head nod over the
instrument as he made an effort to get the right note. It made her fond of him,
with tenderness, almost pity, but not with respect. She wanted a man to be
fixed, going his own way without knowledge of women. Whereas she knew Alfred
depended on her. He sang in the choir because he liked singing. In the summer
he worked in the garden, attended to the fowls and pigs. He kept pigeons. He
played on Saturday in the cricket or football team. But to her he did not seem
the man, the independent man her other boys had been. He was her baby--and
whilst she loved him for it, she was a little bit contemptuous of him.
There grew up a little hostility between them.
Then he began to drink, as the others had done; but not in their blind,
oblivious way. He was a little self-conscious over it. She saw this, and she
pitied it in him. She loved him most, but she was not satisfied with him
because he was not free of her. He could not quite go his own way.
Then at twenty he ran away and served his time in
the Navy. This made a man of him. He had hated it bitterly, the service, the
subordination. For years he fought with himself under the military discipline,
for his own self-respect, struggling through blind anger and shame and a
cramping sense of inferiority. Out of humiliation and self-hatred, he rose into
a sort of inner freedom. And his love for his mother, whom he idealised,
remained the fact of hope and of belief.
He came home again, nearly thirty years old, but
naïve and inexperienced as a boy, only with a silence about him that was new: a
sort of dumb humility before life, a fear of living. He was almost quite
chaste. A strong sensitiveness had kept him from women. Sexual talk was all
very well among men, but somehow it had no application to living women. There
were two things for him, the idea of women, with which he
sometimes debauched himself, and real women, before whom he felt a deep
uneasiness, and a need to draw away. He shrank and defended himself from the
approach of any woman. And then he felt ashamed. In his innermost soul he felt
he was not a man, he was less than the normal man. In Genoa he went with an
under officer to a drinking house where the cheaper sort of girl came in to
look for lovers. He sat there with his glass, the girls looked at him, but they
never came to him. He knew that if they did come he could only pay for food and
drink for them, because he felt a pity for them, and was anxious lest they
lacked good necessities. He could not have gone with one of them: he knew it, and
was ashamed, looking with curious envy at the swaggering, easy-passionate
Italian whose body went to a woman by instinctive impersonal attraction. They
were men, he was not a man. He sat feeling short, feeling like a leper. And he
went away imagining sexual scenes between himself and a woman, walking wrapt in
this indulgence. But when the ready woman presented herself, the very fact that
she was a palpable woman made it impossible for him to touch her. And this
incapacity was like a core of rottenness in him.
So several times he went, drunk, with his
companions, to the licensed prostitute houses abroad. But the sordid
insignificance of the experience appalled him. It had not been anything really:
it meant nothing. He felt as if he were, not physically, but spiritually
impotent: not actually impotent, but intrinsically so.
He came home with this secret, never changing
burden of his unknown, unbestowed self torturing him. His navy training left
him in perfect physical condition. He was sensible of, and proud of his body.
He bathed and used dumb-bells, and kept himself fit. He played cricket and
football. He read books and began to hold fixed ideas which he got from the
Fabians. He played his piccolo, and was considered an expert. But at the bottom
of his soul was always this canker of shame and incompleteness: he was
miserable beneath all his healthy cheerfulness, he was uneasy and felt
despicable among all his confidence and superiority of ideas. He would have
changed with any mere brute, just to be free of himself, to be free of this
shame of self-consciousness. He saw some collier lurching straight forward
without misgiving, pursuing his own satisfactions, and he envied him. Anything,
he would have given anything for this spontaneity and this blind stupidity which
went to its own satisfaction direct.
IX
He was not unhappy in the pit. He was admired by
the men, and well enough liked. It was only he himself who felt the difference
between himself and the others. He seemed to hide his own stigma. But he was never
sure that the others did not really despise him for a ninny, as being less a
man than they were. Only he pretended to be more manly, and was surprised by
the ease with which they were deceived. And, being naturally cheerful, he was
happy at his work. He was sure of himself there. Naked to the waist, hot and
grimy with labour, they squatted on their heels for a few minutes and talked,
seeing each other dimly by the light of the safety lamps, while the black coal
rose jutting round them, and the props of wood stood like little pillars in the
low, black, very dark temple. Then the pony came and the gang-lad with a
message from Number 7, or with a bottle of water from the horse-trough or some
news of the world above. The day passed pleasantly enough. There was an ease, a
go-as-you-please about the day underground, a delightful camaraderie of men
shut off alone from the rest of the world, in a dangerous place, and a variety
of labour, holing, loading, timbering, and a glamour of mystery and adventure
in the atmosphere, that made the pit not unattractive to him when he had again
got over his anguish of desire for the open air and the sea.
This day there was much to do and Durant was not
in humour to talk. He went on working in silence through the afternoon.
"Loose-all" came, and they tramped to
the bottom. The whitewashed underground office shone brightly. Men were putting
out their lamps. They sat in dozens round the bottom of the shaft, down which
black, heavy drops of water fell continuously into the sump. The electric
lights shone away down the main underground road.
"Is it raining?" asked Durant.
"Snowing," said an old man, and the
younger was pleased. He liked to go up when it was snowing.
"It'll just come right for Christmas,"
said the old man.
"Ay," replied Durant.
"A green Christmas, a fat churchyard,"
said the other sententiously.
Durant laughed, showing his small, rather
pointed teeth.
The cage came down, a dozen men lined on. Durant
noticed tufts of snow on the perforated, arched roof of the chain, and he was
pleased.
He wondered how it liked its excursion
underground. But already it was getting soppy with black water.
He liked things about him. There was a little
smile on his face. But underlying it was the curious consciousness he felt in
himself.
The upper world came almost with a flash,
because of the glimmer of snow. Hurrying along the bank, giving up his lamp at
the office, he smiled to feel the open about him again, all glimmering round
him with snow. The hills on either side were pale blue in the dusk, and the
hedges looked savage and dark. The snow was trampled between the railway lines.
But far ahead, beyond the black figures of miners moving home, it became smooth
again, spreading right up to the dark wall of the coppice.
To the west there was a pinkness, and a big star
hovered half revealed. Below, the lights of the pit came out crisp and yellow
among the darkness of the buildings, and the lights of Old Aldecross twinkled
in rows down the bluish twilight.
Durant walked glad with life among the miners,
who were all talking animatedly because of the snow. He liked their company, he
liked the white dusky world. It gave him a little thrill to stop at the garden
gate and see the light of home down below, shining on the silent blue snow.
X
By the big gate of the railway, in the fence,
was a little gate, that he kept locked. As he unfastened it, he watched the
kitchen light that shone on to the bushes and the snow outside. It was a candle
burning till night set in, he thought to himself. He slid down the steep path
to the level below. He liked making the first marks in the smooth snow. Then he
came through the bushes to the house. The two women heard his heavy boots ring
outside on the scraper, and his voice as he opened the door:
"How much worth of oil do you reckon to
save by that candle, mother?" He liked a good light from the lamp.
He had just put down his bottle and snap-bag and
was hanging his coat behind the scullery door, when Miss Louisa came upon him.
He was startled, but he smiled.
His eyes began to laugh--then his face went
suddenly straight, and he was afraid.
"Your mother's had an accident," she
said.
"How?" he exclaimed.
"In the garden," she answered. He
hesitated with his coat in his hands. Then he hung it up and turned to the
kitchen.
"Is she in bed?" he asked.
"Yes," said Miss Louisa, who found it
hard to deceive him. He was silent. He went into the kitchen, sat down heavily
in his father's old chair, and began to pull off his boots. His head was small,
rather finely shapen. His brown hair, close and crisp, would look jolly
whatever happened. He wore heavy moleskin trousers that gave off the stale,
exhausted scent of the pit. Having put on his slippers, he carried his boots
into the scullery.
"What is it?" he asked, afraid.
"Something internal," she replied.
He went upstairs. His mother kept herself calm
for his coming. Louisa felt his tread shake the plaster floor of the bedroom
above.
"What have you done?" he asked.
"It's nothing, my lad," said the old
woman, rather hard. "It's nothing. You needn't fret, my boy, it's nothing
more the matter with me than I had yesterday, or last week. The doctor said I'd
done nothing serious."
"What were you doing?" asked her son.
"I was pulling up a cabbage, and I suppose
I pulled too hard; for, oh--there was such a pain--"
Her son looked at her quickly. She hardened
herself.
"But who doesn't have a sudden pain
sometimes, my boy. We all do."
"And what's it done?"
"I don't know," she said, "but I
don't suppose it's anything."
The big lamp in the corner was screened with a
dark green, so that he could scarcely see her face. He was strung tight with
apprehension and many emotions. Then his brow knitted.
"What did you go pulling your inside out at
cabbages for," he asked, "and the ground frozen? You'd go on dragging
and dragging, if you killed yourself."
"Somebody's got to get them," she
said.
"You needn't do yourself harm."
But they had reached futility.
Miss Louisa could hear plainly downstairs. Her
heart sank. It seemed so hopeless between them.
"Are you sure it's nothing much,
mother?" he asked, appealing, after a little silence.
"Ay, it's nothing," said the old
woman, rather bitter.
"I don't want you to--to--to be badly--you
know."
"Go an' get your dinner," she said.
She knew she was going to die: moreover, the pain was torture just then.
"They're only cosseting me up a bit because I'm an old woman. Miss
Louisa's very good--and she'll have got your dinner ready, so
you'd better go and eat it."
He felt stupid and ashamed. His mother put him
off. He had to turn away. The pain burned in his bowels. He went downstairs.
The mother was glad he was gone, so that she could moan with pain.
He had resumed the old habit of eating before he
washed himself. Miss Louisa served his dinner. It was strange and exciting to
her. She was strung up tense, trying to understand him and his mother. She
watched him as he sat. He was turned away from his food, looking in the fire.
Her soul watched him, trying to see what he was. His black face and arms were
uncouth, he was foreign. His face was masked black with coal-dust. She could
not see him, she could not even know him. The brown eyebrows, the steady eyes,
the coarse, small moustache above the closed mouth--these were the only
familiar indications. What was he, as he sat there in his pit-dirt? She could
not see him, and it hurt her.
She ran upstairs, presently coming down with the
flannels and the bran-bag, to heat them, because the pain was on again.
He was half-way through his dinner. He put down
the fork, suddenly nauseated.
"They will soothe the wrench," she
said. He watched, useless and left out.
"Is she bad?" he asked.
"I think she is," she answered.
It was useless for him to stir or comment.
Louisa was busy. She went upstairs. The poor old woman was in a white, cold
sweat of pain. Louisa's face was sullen with suffering as she went about to
relieve her. Then she sat and waited. The pain passed gradually, the old woman
sank into a state of coma. Louisa still sat silent by the bed. She heard the
sound of water downstairs. Then came the voice of the old mother, faint but
unrelaxing:
"Alfred's washing himself--he'll want his
back washing--"
Louisa listened anxiously, wondering what the
sick woman wanted.
"He can't bear if his back isn't
washed--" the old woman persisted, in a cruel attention to his needs.
Louisa rose and wiped the sweat from the yellowish brow.
"I will go down," she said soothingly.
"If you would," murmured the sick
woman.
Louisa waited a moment. Mrs Durant closed her
eyes, having discharged her duty. The young woman went downstairs. Herself, or
the man, what did they matter? Only the suffering woman must be considered.
Alfred was kneeling on the hearthrug, stripped
to the waist, washing himself in a large panchion of earthenware. He did so
every evening, when he had eaten his dinner; his brothers had done so before
him. But Miss Louisa was strange in the house.
He was mechanically rubbing the white lather on
his head, with a repeated, unconscious movement, his hand every now and then
passing over his neck. Louisa watched. She had to brace herself to this also.
He bent his head into the water, washed it free of soap, and pressed the water
out of his eyes.
"Your mother said you would want your back
washing," she said.
Curious how it hurt her to take part in their
fixed routine of life! Louisa felt the almost repulsive intimacy being forced
upon her. It was all so common, so like herding. She lost her own distinctness.
He ducked his face round, looking up at her in
what was a very comical way. She had to harden herself.
"How funny he looks with his face upside
down," she thought. After all, there was a difference between her and the
common people. The water in which his arms were plunged was quite black, the
soap-froth was darkish. She could scarcely conceive him as human. Mechanically,
under the influence of habit, he groped in the black water, fished out soap and
flannel, and handed them backward to Louisa. Then he remained rigid and
submissive, his two arms thrust straight in the panchion, supporting the weight
of his shoulders. His skin was beautifully white and unblemished, of an opaque,
solid whiteness. Gradually Louisa saw it: this also was what he was. It
fascinated her. Her feeling of separateness passed away: she ceased to draw
back from contact with him and his mother. There was this living centre. Her
heart ran hot. She had reached some goal in this beautiful, clear, male body.
She loved him in a white, impersonal heat. But the sun-burnt, reddish neck and
ears: they were more personal, more curious. A tenderness rose in her, she
loved even his queer ears. A person--an intimate being he was to her. She put
down the towel and went upstairs again, troubled in her heart. She had only
seen one human being in her life--and that was Mary. All the rest were
strangers. Now her soul was going to open, she was going to see another. She
felt strange and pregnant.
"He'll be more comfortable," murmured
the sick woman abstractedly, as Louisa entered the room. The latter did not
answer. Her own heart was heavy with its own responsibility. Mrs Durant lay
silent awhile, then she murmured plaintively:
"You mustn't mind, Miss Louisa."
"Why should I?" replied Louisa, deeply
moved.
"It's what we're used to," said the
old woman.
And Louisa felt herself excluded again from
their life. She sat in pain, with the tears of disappointment distilling her
heart. Was that all?
Alfred came upstairs. He was clean, and in his
shirt-sleeves. He looked a workman now. Louisa felt that she and he were
foreigners, moving in different lives. It dulled her again. Oh, if she could
only find some fixed relations, something sure and abiding.
"How do you feel?" he said to his
mother.
"It's a bit better," she replied
wearily, impersonally. This strange putting herself aside, this abstracting
herself and answering him only what she thought good for him to hear, made the
relations between mother and son poignant and cramping to Miss Louisa. It made
the man so ineffectual, so nothing. Louisa groped as if she had lost him. The
mother was real and positive--he was not very actual. It puzzled and chilled
the young woman.
"I'd better fetch Mrs Harrison?" he
said, waiting for his mother to decide.
"I suppose we shall have to have
somebody," she replied.
Miss Louisa stood by, afraid to interfere in
their business. They did not include her in their lives, they felt she had
nothing to do with them, except as a help from outside. She was quite external
to them. She felt hurt and powerless against this unconscious difference. But
something patient and unyielding in her made her say:
"I will stay and do the nursing: you can't
be left."
The other two were shy, and at a loss for an
answer.
"Wes'll manage to get somebody," said
the old woman wearily. She did not care very much what happened, now.
"I will stay until to-morrow, in any case,"
said Louisa. "Then we can see."
"I'm sure you've no right to trouble
yourself," moaned the old woman. But she must leave herself in any hands.
Miss Louisa felt glad that she was admitted,
even in an official capacity. She wanted to share their lives. At home they
would need her, now Mary had come. But they must manage without her.
"I must write a note to the vicarage,"
she said.
Alfred Durant looked at her inquiringly, for her
service. He had always that intelligent readiness to serve, since he had been in
the Navy. But there was a simple independence in his willingness, which she
loved. She felt nevertheless it was hard to get at him. He was so deferential,
quick to take the slightest suggestion of an order from her, implicitly, that
she could not get at the man in him.
He looked at her very keenly. She noticed his
eyes were golden brown, with a very small pupil, the kind of eyes that can see
a long way off. He stood alert, at military attention. His face was still
rather weather-reddened.
"Do you want pen and paper?" he asked,
with deferential suggestion to a superior, which was more difficult for her
than reserve.
"Yes, please," she said.
He turned and went downstairs. He seemed to her
so self-contained, so utterly sure in his movement. How was she to approach
him? For he would take not one step towards her. He would only put himself
entirely and impersonally at her service, glad to serve her, but keeping
himself quite removed from her. She could see he felt real joy in doing
anything for her, but any recognition would confuse him and hurt him. Strange
it was to her, to have a man going about the house in his shirt-sleeves, his
waistcoat unbuttoned, his throat bare, waiting on her. He moved well, as if he
had plenty of life to spare. She was attracted by his completeness. And yet,
when all was ready, and there was nothing more for him to do, she quivered,
meeting his questioning look.
As she sat writing, he placed another candle
near her. The rather dense light fell in two places on the overfoldings of her hair
till it glistened heavy and bright, like a dense golden plumage folded up. Then
the nape of her neck was very white, with fine down and pointed wisps of gold.
He watched it as it were a vision, losing himself. She was all that was beyond
him, of revelation and exquisiteness. All that was ideal and beyond him, she
was that--and he was lost to himself in looking at her. She had no connection
with him. He did not approach her. She was there like a wonderful distance. But
it was a treat, having her in the house. Even with this anguish for his mother
tightening about him, he was sensible of the wonder of living this evening. The
candles glistened on her hair, and seemed to fascinate him. He felt a little
awe of her, and a sense of uplifting, that he and she and his mother should be
together for a time, in the strange, unknown atmosphere. And, when he got out
of the house, he was afraid. He saw the stars above ringing with fine
brightness, the snow beneath just visible, and a new night was gathering round
him. He was afraid almost with obliteration. What was this new night ringing
about him, and what was he? He could not recognize himself nor any of his
surroundings. He was afraid to think of his mother. And yet his chest was
conscious of her, and of what was happening to her. He could not escape from
her, she carried him with her into an unformed, unknown chaos.
XI
He went up the road in an agony, not knowing
what it was all about, but feeling as if a red-hot iron were gripped round his
chest. Without thinking, he shook two or three tears on to the snow. Yet in his
mind he did not believe his mother would die. He was in the grip of some
greater consciousness. As he sat in the hall of the vicarage, waiting whilst
Mary put things for Louisa into a bag, he wondered why he had been so upset. He
felt abashed and humbled by the big house, he felt again as if he were one of
the rank and file. When Miss Mary spoke to him, he almost saluted.
"An honest man," thought Mary. And the
patronage was applied as salve to her own sickness. She had station, so she
could patronize: it was almost all that was left to her. But she could not have
lived without having a certain position. She could never have trusted herself
outside a definite place, nor respected herself except as a woman of superior
class.
As Alfred came to the latch-gate, he felt the
grief at his heart again, and saw the new heavens. He stood a moment looking
northward to the Plough climbing up the night, and at the far glimmer of snow
in distant fields. Then his grief came on like physical pain. He held tight to
the gate, biting his mouth, whispering "Mother!" It was a fierce,
cutting, physical pain of grief, that came on in bouts, as his mother's pain
came on in bouts, and was so acute he could scarcely keep erect. He did not
know where it came from, the pain, nor why. It had nothing to do with his
thoughts. Almost it had nothing to do with him. Only it gripped him and he must
submit. The whole tide of his soul, gathering in its unknown towards this
expansion into death, carried him with it helplessly, all the fritter of his
thought and consciousness caught up as nothing, the heave passing on towards
its breaking, taking him further than he had ever been. When the young man had
regained himself, he went indoors, and there he was almost gay. It seemed to
excite him. He felt in high spirits: he made whimsical fun of things. He sat on
one side of his mother's bed, Louisa on the other, and a certain gaiety seized
them all. But the night and the dread was coming on.
Alfred kissed his mother and went to bed. When
he was half undressed the knowledge of his mother came upon him, and the
suffering seized him in its grip like two hands, in agony. He lay on the bed
screwed up tight. It lasted so long, and exhausted him so much, that he fell
asleep, without having the energy to get up and finish undressing. He awoke
after midnight to find himself stone cold. He undressed and got into bed, and
was soon asleep again.
At a quarter to six he woke, and instantly
remembered. Having pulled on his trousers and lighted a candle, he went into
his mother's room. He put his hand before the candle flame so that no light
fell on the bed.
"Mother!" he whispered.
"Yes," was the reply.
There was a hesitation.
"Should I go to work?"
He waited, his heart was beating heavily.
"I think I'd go, my lad."
His heart went down in a kind of despair.
"You want me to?"
He let his hand down from the candle flame. The
light fell on the bed. There he saw Louisa lying looking up at him. Her eyes
were upon him. She quickly shut her eyes and half buried her face in the
pillow, her back turned to him. He saw the rough hair like bright vapour about
her round head, and the two plaits flung coiled among the bedclothes. It gave
him a shock. He stood almost himself, determined. Louisa cowered down. He
looked, and met his mother's eyes. Then he gave way again, and ceased to be
sure, ceased to be himself.
"Yes, go to work, my boy," said the
mother.
"All right," replied he, kissing her.
His heart was down at despair, and bitter. He went away.
"Alfred!" cried his mother faintly.
He came back with beating heart.
"What, mother?"
"You'll always do what's right,
Alfred?" the mother asked, beside herself in terror now he was leaving
her. He was too terrified and bewildered to know what she meant.
"Yes," he said.
She turned her cheek to him. He kissed her, then
went away, in bitter despair. He went to work.
XII
By midday his mother was dead. The word met him
at the pit-mouth. As he had known, inwardly, it was not a shock to him, and yet
he trembled. He went home quite calmly, feeling only heavy in his breathing.
Miss Louisa was still at the house. She had seen
to everything possible. Very succinctly, she informed him of what he needed to
know. But there was one point of anxiety for her.
"You did half expect
it--it's not come as a blow to you?" she asked, looking up at him. Her
eyes were dark and calm and searching. She too felt lost. He was so dark and
inchoate.
"I suppose--yes," he said stupidly. He
looked aside, unable to endure her eyes on him.
"I could not bear to think you might not
have guessed," she said.
He did not answer.
He felt it a great strain to have her near him
at this time. He wanted to be alone. As soon as the relatives began to arrive,
Louisa departed and came no more. While everything was arranging, and a crowd
was in the house, whilst he had business to settle, he went well enough, with
only those uncontrollable paroxysms of grief. For the rest, he was superficial.
By himself, he endured the fierce, almost insane bursts of grief which passed
again and left him calm, almost clear, just wondering. He had not known before
that everything could break down, that he himself could break down, and all be
a great chaos, very vast and wonderful. It seemed as if life in him had burst
its bounds, and he was lost in a great, bewildering flood, immense and
unpeopled. He himself was broken and spilled out amid it all. He could only
breathe panting in silence. Then the anguish came on again.
When all the people had gone from the Quarry
Cottage, leaving the young man alone with an elderly housekeeper, then the long
trial began. The snow had thawed and frozen, a fresh fall had whitened the
grey, this then began to thaw. The world was a place of loose grey slosh.
Alfred had nothing to do in the evenings. He was a man whose life had been
filled up with small activities. Without knowing it, he had been centralized,
polarized in his mother. It was she who had kept him. Even now, when the old
housekeeper had left him, he might still have gone on in his old way. But the
force and balance of his life was lacking. He sat pretending to read, all the
time holding his fists clenched, and holding himself in, enduring he did not
know what. He walked the black and sodden miles of field-paths, till he was
tired out: but all this was only running away from whence he must return. At
work he was all right. If it had been summer he might have escaped by working
in the garden till bedtime. But now, there was no escape, no relief, no help.
He, perhaps, was made for action rather than for understanding; for doing than
for being. He was shocked out of his activities, like a swimmer who forgets to
swim.
For a week, he had the force to endure this
suffocation and struggle, then he began to get exhausted, and knew it must come
out. The instinct of self-preservation became strongest. But there was the
question: Where was he to go? The public-house really meant nothing to him, it
was no good going there. He began to think of emigration. In another country he
would be all right. He wrote to the emigration offices.
On the Sunday after the funeral, when all the
Durant people had attended church, Alfred had seen Miss Louisa, impassive and
reserved, sitting with Miss Mary, who was proud and very distant, and with the
other Lindleys, who were people removed. Alfred saw them as people remote. He
did not think about it. They had nothing to do with his life. After service
Louisa had come to him and shaken hands.
"My sister would like you to come to supper
one evening, if you would be so good."
He looked at Miss Mary, who bowed. Out of
kindness, Mary had proposed this to Louisa, disapproving of herself even as she
did so. But she did not examine herself closely.
"Yes," said Durant awkwardly,
"I'll come if you want me." But he vaguely felt that it was
misplaced.
"You'll come to-morrow evening, then, about
half-past six."
He went. Miss Louisa was very kind to him. There
could be no music, because of the babies. He sat with his fists clenched on his
thighs, very quiet and unmoved, lapsing, among all those people, into a kind of
muse or daze. There was nothing between him and them. They knew it as well as
he. But he remained very steady in himself, and the evening passed slowly. Mrs
Lindley called him "young man".
"Will you sit here, young man?"
He sat there. One name was as good as another.
What had they to do with him?
Mr Lindley kept a special tone for him, kind,
indulgent, but patronizing. Durant took it all without criticism or offence,
just submitting. But he did not want to eat--that troubled him, to have to eat
in their presence. He knew he was out of place. But it was his duty to stay yet
awhile. He answered precisely, in monosyllables.
When he left he winced with confusion. He was
glad it was finished. He got away as quickly as possible. And he wanted still
more intensely to go right away, to Canada.
Miss Louisa suffered in her soul, indignant with
all of them, with him too, but quite unable to say why she was indignant.
XIII
Two evenings after, Louisa tapped at the door of
the Quarry Cottage, at half-past six. He had finished dinner, the woman had
washed up and gone away, but still he sat in his pit dirt. He was going later
to the New Inn. He had begun to go there because he must go somewhere. The mere
contact with other men was necessary to him, the noise, the warmth, the
forgetful flight of the hours. But still he did not move. He sat alone in the
empty house till it began to grow on him like something unnatural.
He was in his pit dirt when he opened the door.
"I have been wanting to call--I thought I
would," she said, and she went to the sofa. He wondered why she wouldn't
use his mother's round armchair. Yet something stirred in him, like anger, when
the housekeeper placed herself in it.
"I ought to have been washed by now,"
he said, glancing at the clock, which was adorned with butterflies and
cherries, and the name of "T. Brooks, Mansfield." He laid his black
hands along his mottled dirty arms. Louisa looked at him. There was the
reserve, and the simple neutrality towards her, which she dreaded in him. It
made it impossible for her to approach him.
"I am afraid," she said, "that I
wasn't kind in asking you to supper."
"I'm not used to it," he said, smiling
with his mouth, showing the interspaced white teeth. His eyes, however, were
steady and unseeing.
"It's not that," she said
hastily. Her repose was exquisite and her dark grey eyes rich with
understanding. He felt afraid of her as she sat there, as he began to grow
conscious of her.
"How do you get on alone?" she asked.
He glanced away to the fire.
"Oh--" he answered, shifting uneasily,
not finishing his answer.
Her face settled heavily.
"How close it is in this room. You have
such immense fires. I will take off my coat," she said.
He watched her take off her hat and coat. She
wore a cream cashmir blouse embroidered with gold silk. It seemed to him a very
fine garment, fitting her throat and wrists close. It gave him a feeling of
pleasure and cleanness and relief from himself.
"What were you thinking about, that you
didn't get washed?" she asked, half intimately. He laughed, turning aside
his head. The whites of his eyes showed very distinct in his black face.
"Oh," he said, "I couldn't tell
you."
There was a pause.
"Are you going to keep this house on?"
she asked.
He stirred in his chair, under the question.
"I hardly know," he said. "I'm
very likely going to Canada."
Her spirit became very quiet and attentive.
"What for?" she asked.
Again he shifted restlessly on his seat.
"Well"--he said slowly--"to try
the life."
"But which life?"
"There's various things--farming or
lumbering or mining. I don't mind much what it is."
"And is that what you want?"
He did not think in these times, so he could not
answer.
"I don't know," he said, "till
I've tried."
She saw him drawing away from her for ever.
"Aren't you sorry to leave this house and
garden?" she asked.
"I don't know," he answered
reluctantly. "I suppose our Fred would come in--that's what he's
wanting."
"You don't want to settle down?" she
asked.
He was leaning forward on the arms of his chair.
He turned to her. Her face was pale and set. It looked heavy and impassive, her
hair shone richer as she grew white. She was to him something steady and
immovable and eternal presented to him. His heart was hot in an anguish of
suspense. Sharp twitches of fear and pain were in his limbs. He turned his
whole body away from her. The silence was unendurable. He could not bear her to
sit there any more. It made his heart go hot and stifled in his breast.
"Were you going out to-night?" she
asked.
"Only to the New Inn," he said.
Again there was silence.
She reached for her hat. Nothing else was
suggested to her. She had to go. He sat waiting for her to be
gone, for relief. And she knew that if she went out of that house as she was,
she went out a failure. Yet she continued to pin on her hat; in a moment she
would have to go. Something was carrying her.
Then suddenly a sharp pang, like lightning,
seared her from head to foot, and she was beyond herself.
"Do you want me to go?" she asked,
controlled, yet speaking out of a fiery anguish, as if the words were spoken
from her without her intervention.
He went white under his dirt.
"Why?" he asked, turning to her in
fear, compelled.
"Do you want me to go?" she repeated.
"Why?" he asked again.
"Because I wanted to stay with you,"
she said, suffocated, with her lungs full of fire.
His face worked, he hung forward a little,
suspended, staring straight into her eyes, in torment, in an agony of chaos,
unable to collect himself. And as if turned to stone, she looked back into his
eyes. Their souls were exposed bare for a few moments. It was agony. They could
not bear it. He dropped his head, whilst his body jerked with little sharp
twitchings.
She turned away for her coat. Her soul had gone
dead in her. Her hands trembled, but she could not feel any more. She drew on
her coat. There was a cruel suspense in the room. The moment had come for her
to go. He lifted his head. His eyes were like agate, expressionless, save for
the black points of torture. They held her, she had no will, no life any more.
She felt broken.
"Don't you want me?" she said
helplessly.
A spasm of torture crossed his eyes, which held
her fixed.
"I--I--" he began, but he could not
speak. Something drew him from his chair to her. She stood motionless,
spellbound, like a creature given up as prey. He put his hand tentatively,
uncertainly, on her arm. The expression of his face was strange and inhuman.
She stood utterly motionless. Then clumsily he put his arms round her, and took
her, cruelly, blindly, straining her till she nearly lost consciousness, till
he himself had almost fallen.
Then, gradually, as he held her gripped, and his
brain reeled round, and he felt himself falling, falling from himself, and
whilst she, yielded up, swooned to a kind of death of herself, a moment of
utter darkness came over him, and they began to wake up again as if from a long
sleep. He was himself.
After a while his arms slackened, she loosened
herself a little, and put her arms round him, as he held her. So they held each
other close, and hid each against the other for assurance, helpless in speech.
And it was ever her hands that trembled more closely upon him, drawing him
nearer into her, with love.
And at last she drew back her face and looked up
at him, her eyes wet, and shining with light. His heart, which saw, was silent
with fear. He was with her. She saw his face all sombre and inscrutable, and he
seemed eternal to her. And all the echo of pain came back into the rarity of
bliss, and all her tears came up.
"I love you," she said, her lips drawn
and sobbing. He put down his head against her, unable to hear her, unable to
bear the sudden coming of the peace and passion that almost broke his heart.
They stood together in silence whilst the thing moved away a little.
At last she wanted to see him. She looked up.
His eyes were strange and glowing, with a tiny black pupil. Strange, they were,
and powerful over her. And his mouth came to hers, and slowly her eyelids
closed, as his mouth sought hers closer and closer, and took possession of her.
They were silent for a long time, too much mixed
up with passion and grief and death to do anything but hold each other in pain
and kiss with long, hurting kisses wherein fear was transfused into desire. At
last she disengaged herself. He felt as if his heart were hurt, but glad, and
he scarcely dared look at her.
"I'm glad," she said also.
He held her hands in passionate gratitude and
desire. He had not yet the presence of mind to say anything. He was dazed with
relief.
"I ought to go," she said.
He looked at her. He could not grasp the thought
of her going, he knew he could never be separated from her any more. Yet he
dared not assert himself. He held her hands tight.
"Your face is black," she said.
He laughed.
"Yours is a bit smudged," he said.
They were afraid of each other, afraid to talk.
He could only keep her near to him. After a while she wanted to wash her face.
He brought her some warm water, standing by and watching her. There was
something he wanted to say, that he dared not. He watched her wiping her face,
and making tidy her hair.
"They'll see your blouse is dirty," he
said.
She looked at her sleeves and laughed for joy.
He was sharp with pride.
"What shall you do?" he asked.
"How?" she said.
He was awkward at a reply.
"About me," he said.
"What do you want me to do?" she
laughed.
He put his hand out slowly to her. What did it
matter!
"But make yourself clean," she said.
XIV
As they went up the hill, the night seemed dense
with the unknown. They kept close together, feeling as if the darkness were
alive and full of knowledge, all around them. In silence they walked up the
hill. At first the street lamps went their way. Several people passed them. He
was more shy than she, and would have let her go had she loosened in the least.
But she held firm.
Then they came into the true darkness, between
the fields. They did not want to speak, feeling closer together in silence. So
they arrived at the Vicarage gate. They stood under the naked horse-chestnut
tree.
"I wish you didn't have to go," he
said.
She laughed a quick little laugh.
"Come to-morrow," she said, in a low
tone, "and ask father."
She felt his hand close on hers.
She gave the same sorrowful little laugh of
sympathy. Then she kissed him, sending him home.
At home, the old grief came on in another
paroxysm, obliterating Louisa, obliterating even his mother for whom the stress
was raging like a burst of fever in a wound. But something was sound in his
heart.
XV
The next evening he dressed to go to the
vicarage, feeling it was to be done, not imagining what it would be like. He
would not take this seriously. He was sure of Louisa, and this marriage was
like fate to him. It filled him also with a blessed feeling of fatality. He was
not responsible, neither had her people anything really to do with it.
They ushered him into the little study, which
was fireless. By and by the vicar came in. His voice was cold and hostile as he
said:
"What can I do for you, young man?"
He knew already, without asking.
Durant looked up at him, again like a sailor
before a superior. He had the subordinate manner. Yet his spirit was clear.
"I wanted, Mr Lindley--" he began
respectfully, then all the colour suddenly left his face. It seemed now a
violation to say what he had to say. What was he doing there? But he stood on,
because it had to be done. He held firmly to his own independence and
self-respect. He must not be indecisive. He must put himself aside: the matter
was bigger than just his personal self. He must not feel. This was his highest duty.
"You wanted--" said the vicar.
Durant's mouth was dry, but he answered with
steadiness:
"Miss Louisa--Louisa--promised to marry
me--"
"You asked Miss Louisa if she would marry
you--yes--" corrected the vicar. Durant reflected he had not asked her
this:
"If she would marry me, sir. I hope
you--don't mind."
He smiled. He was a good-looking man, and the
vicar could not help seeing it.
"And my daughter was willing to marry
you?" said Mr Lindley.
"Yes," said Durant seriously. It was
pain to him, nevertheless. He felt the natural hostility between himself and
the elder man.
"Will you come this way?" said the
vicar. He led into the dining-room, where were Mary, Louisa, and Mrs Lindley.
Mr Massy sat in a corner with a lamp.
"This young man has come on your account,
Louisa?" said Mr Lindley.
"Yes," said Louisa, her eyes on
Durant, who stood erect, in discipline. He dared not look at her, but he was
aware of her.
"You don't want to marry a collier, you
little fool," cried Mrs Lindley harshly. She lay obese and helpless upon
the couch, swathed in a loose, dove-grey gown.
"Oh, hush, mother," cried Mary, with
quiet intensity and pride.
"What means have you to support a
wife?" demanded the vicar's wife roughly.
"I!" Durant replied, starting. "I
think I can earn enough."
"Well, and how much?" came the rough
voice.
"Seven and six a day," replied the
young man.
"And will it get to be any more?"
"I hope so."
"And are you going to live in that poky
little house?"
"I think so," said Durant, "if
it's all right."
He took small offence, only was upset, because
they would not think him good enough. He knew that, in their sense, he was not.
"Then she's a fool, I tell you, if she
marries you," cried the mother roughly, casting her decision.
"After all, mama, it is Louisa's
affair," said Mary distinctly, "and we must remember--"
"As she makes her bed, she must lie--but
she'll repent it," interrupted Mrs Lindley.
"And after all," said Mr Lindley,
"Louisa cannot quite hold herself free to act entirely without
consideration for her family."
"What do you want, papa?" asked Louisa
sharply.
"I mean that if you marry this man, it will
make my position very difficult for me, particularly if you stay in this
parish. If you were moving quite away, it would be simpler. But living here in
a collier's cottage, under my nose, as it were--it would be almost unseemly. I
have my position to maintain, and a position which may not be taken
lightly."
"Come over here, young man," cried the
mother, in her rough voice, "and let us look at you."
Durant, flushing, went over and stood--not quite
at attention, so that he did not know what to do with his hands. Miss Louisa
was angry to see him standing there, obedient and acquiescent. He ought to show
himself a man.
"Can't you take her away and live out of
sight?" said the mother. "You'd both of you be better off."
"Yes, we can go away," he said.
"Do you want to?" asked Miss Mary
clearly.
He faced round. Mary looked very stately and
impressive. He flushed.
"I do if it's going to be a trouble to
anybody," he said.
"For yourself, you would rather stay?"
said Mary.
"It's my home," he said, "and
that's the house I was born in."
"Then"--Mary turned clearly to her
parents, "I really don't see how you can make the conditions, papa. He has
his own rights, and if Louisa wants to marry him--"
"Louisa, Louisa!" cried the father
impatiently. "I cannot understand why Louisa should not behave in the
normal way. I cannot see why she should only think of herself, and leave her
family out of count. The thing is enough in itself, and she ought to try to
ameliorate it as much as possible. And if--"
"But I love the man, papa," said
Louisa.
"And I hope you love your parents, and I
hope you want to spare them as much of the--the loss of prestige, as
possible."
"We can go away to
live," said Louisa, her face breaking to tears. At last she was really
hurt.
"Oh, yes, easily," Durant replied
hastily, pale, distressed.
There was dead silence in the room.
"I think it would really be better,"
murmured the vicar, mollified.
"Very likely it would," said the
rough-voiced invalid.
"Though I think we ought to apologize for
asking such a thing," said Mary haughtily.
"No," said Durant. "It will be
best all round." He was glad there was no more bother.
"And shall we put up the banns here or go
to the registrar?" he asked clearly, like a challenge.
"We will go to the registrar," replied
Louisa decidedly.
Again there was a dead silence in the room.
"Well, if you will have your own way, you
must go your own way," said the mother emphatically.
All the time Mr Massy had sat obscure and
unnoticed in a corner of the room. At this juncture he got up, saying:
"There is baby, Mary."
Mary rose and went out of the room, stately; her
little husband padded after her. Durant watched the fragile, small man go,
wondering.
"And where," asked the vicar, almost
genial, "do you think you will go when you are married?"
Durant started.
"I was thinking of emigrating," he
said.
"To Canada? or where?"
"I think to Canada."
"Yes, that would be very good."
Again there was a pause.
"We shan't see much of you then, as a
son-in-law," said the mother, roughly but amicably.
"Not much," he said.
Then he took his leave. Louisa went with him to
the gate. She stood before him in distress.
"You won't mind them, will you?" she
said humbly.
"I don't mind them, if they don't mind
me!" he said. Then he stooped and kissed her.
"Let us be married soon," she
murmured, in tears.
"All right," he said. "I'll go
to-morrow to Barford."
Beauvale is, or was, the largest parish in
England. It is thinly populated, only just netting the stragglers from shoals
of houses in three large mining villages. For the rest, it holds a great tract
of woodland, fragment of old Sherwood, a few hills of pasture and arable land,
three collieries, and, finally, the ruins of a Cistercian abbey. These ruins
lie in a still rich meadow at the foot of the last fall of woodland, through
whose oaks shines a blue of hyacinths, like water, in May-time. Of the abbey,
there remains only the east wall of the chancel standing, a wild thick mass of
ivy weighting one shoulder, while pigeons perch in the tracery of the lofty
window. This is the window in question.
The vicar of Beauvale is a bachelor of forty-two
years. Quite early in life some illness caused a slight paralysis of his right
side, so that he drags a little, and so that the right corner of his mouth is
twisted up into his cheek with a constant grimace, unhidden by a heavy
moustache. There is something pathetic about this twist on the vicar's
countenance: his eyes are so shrewd and sad. It would be hard to get near to Mr
Colbran. Indeed, now, his soul had some of the twist of his face, so that, when
he is not ironical, he is satiric. Yet a man of more complete tolerance and
generosity scarcely exists. Let the boors mock him, he merely smiles on the
other side, and there is no malice in his eyes, only a quiet expression of
waiting till they have finished. His people do not like him, yet none could
bring forth an accusation against him, save, that "You never can tell when
he's having you."
I dined the other evening with the vicar in his
study. The room scandalizes the neighbourhood because of the statuary which
adorns it: a Laocoon and other classic copies, with bronze and silver Italian
Renaissance work. For the rest, it is all dark and tawny.
Mr Colbran is an archaeologist. He does not take
himself seriously, however, in his hobby, so that nobody knows the worth of his
opinions on the subject.
"Here you are," he said to me after
dinner, "I've found another paragraph for my great work."
"What's that?" I asked.
"Haven't I told you I was compiling a Bible
of the English people--the Bible of their hearts--their exclamations in
presence of the unknown? I've found a fragment at home, a jump at God from
Beauvale."
"Where?" I asked, startled.
The vicar closed his eyes whilst looking at me.
"Only on parchment," he said.
Then, slowly, he reached for a yellow book, and
read, translating as he went:
"Then, while we chanted, came a crackling
at the window, at the great east window, where hung our Lord on the Cross. It
was a malicious covetous Devil wrathed by us, rended the lovely image of the
glass. We saw the iron clutches of the fiend pick the window, and a face
flaming red like fire in a basket did glower down on us. Our hearts melted
away, our legs broke, we thought to die. The breath of the wretch filled the
chapel.
"But our dear Saint, etc., etc., came
hastening down heaven to defend us. The fiend began to groan and bray--he was
daunted and beat off.
"When the sun uprose, and it was morning,
some went out in dread upon the thin snow. There the figure of our Saint was
broken and thrown down, whilst in the window was a wicked hole as from the Holy
Wounds the Blessed Blood was run out at the touch of the Fiend, and on the snow
was the Blood, sparkling like gold. Some gathered it up for the joy of this
House. . . ."
"Interesting," I said. "Where's
it from?"
"Beauvale records--fifteenth century."
"Beauvale Abbey," I said; "they
were only very few, the monks. What frightened them, I wonder."
"I wonder," he repeated.
"Somebody climbed up," I supposed,
"and attempted to get in."
"What?" he exclaimed, smiling.
"Well, what do you think?"
"Pretty much the same," he replied.
"I glossed it out for my book."
"Your great work? Tell me."
He put a shade over the lamp so that the room
was almost in darkness.
"Am I more than a voice?" he asked.
"I can see your hand," I replied. He
moved entirely from the circle of light. Then his voice began, sing-song,
sardonic:
"I was a serf in Rollestoun's Newthorpe
Manor, master of the stables I was. One day a horse bit me as I was grooming
him. He was an old enemy of mine. I fetched him a blow across the nose. Then,
when he got a chance, he lashed out at me and caught me a gash over the mouth.
I snatched at a hatchet and cut his head. He yelled, fiend as he was, and
strained for me with all his teeth bare. I brought him down.
"For killing him they flogged me till they
thought I was dead. I was sturdy, because we horse-serfs got plenty to eat. I
was sturdy, but they flogged me till I did not move. The next night I set fire
to the stables, and the stables set fire to the house. I watched and saw the
red flame rise and look out of the window, I saw the folk running, each for
himself, master no more than one of a frightened party. It was freezing, but
the heat made me sweat. I saw them all turn again to watch, all rimmed with
red. They cried, all of them when the roof went in, when the sparks splashed up
at rebound. They cried then like dogs at the bagpipes howling. Master cursed
me, till I laughed as I lay under a bush quite near.
"As the fire went down I got frightened. I
ran for the woods, with fire blazing in my eyes and crackling in my ears. For
hours I was all fire. Then I went to sleep under the bracken. When I woke it
was evening. I had no mantle, was frozen stiff. I was afraid to move, lest all
the sores of my back should be broken like thin ice. I lay still until I could
bear my hunger no longer. I moved then to get used to the pain of movement,
when I began to hunt for food. There was nothing to be found but hips.
"After wandering about till I was faint I
dropped again in the bracken. The boughs above me creaked with frost. I started
and looked round. The branches were like hair among the starlight. My heart
stood still. Again there was a creak, creak, and suddenly a whoop, that
whistled in fading. I fell down in the bracken like dead wood. Yet, by the
peculiar whistling sound at the end, I knew it was only the ice bending or
tightening in the frost. I was in the woods above the lake, only two miles from
the Manor. And yet, when the lake whooped hollowly again, I clutched the frozen
soil, every one of my muscles as stiff as the stiff earth. So all the night
long I dare not move my face, but pressed it flat down, and taut I lay as if
pegged down and braced.
"When morning came still I did not move, I
lay still in a dream. By afternoon my ache was such it enlivened me. I cried,
rocking my breath in the ache of moving. Then again I became fierce. I beat my
hands on the rough bark to hurt them, so that I should not ache so much. In
such a rage I was I swung my limbs to torture till I fell sick with pain. Yet I
fought the hurt, fought it and fought by twisting and flinging myself, until it
was overcome. Then the evening began to draw on. All day the sun had not
loosened the frost. I felt the sky chill again towards afternoon. Then I knew
the night was coming, and, remembering the great space I had just come through,
horrible so that it seemed to have made me another man, I fled across the wood.
"But in my running I came upon the oak
where hanged five bodies. There they must hang, bar-stiff, night after night.
It was a terror worse than any. Turning, blundering through the forest, I came
out where the trees thinned, where only hawthorns, ragged and shaggy, went down
to the lake's edge.
"The sky across was red, the ice on the
water glistened as if it were warm. A few wild geese sat out like stones on the
sheet of ice. I thought of Martha. She was the daughter of the miller at the
upper end of the lake. Her hair was red like beech leaves in a wind. When I had
gone often to the mill with the horses she had brought me food.
"'I thought,' said I to her, ''twas a
squirrel sat on your shoulder. 'Tis your hair fallen loose.'
"'They call me the fox,' she said.
"'Would I were your dog,' said I. She would
bring me bacon and good bread, when I called at the mill with the horses. The
thought of cakes of bread and of bacon made me reel as if drunk. I had torn at
the rabbit holes, I had chewed wood all day. In such a dimness was my head that
I felt neither the soreness of my wounds nor the cuts of thorns on my knees,
but stumbled towards the mill, almost past fear of man and death, panting with
fear of the darkness that crept behind me from trunk to trunk.
"Coming to the gap in the wood, below which
lay the pond, I heard no sound. Always I knew the place filled with the buzz of
water, but now it was silent. In fear of this stillness I ran forward,
forgetting myself, forgetting the frost. The wood seemed to pursue me. I fell,
just in time, down by a shed wherein were housed the few wintry pigs. The
miller came riding in on his horse, and the barking of dogs was for him. I
heard him curse the day, curse his servant, curse me, whom he had been out to
hunt, in his rage of wasted labour, curse all. As I lay I heard inside the shed
a sucking. Then I knew that the sow was there, and that the most of her sucking
pigs would be already killed for tomorrow's Christmas. The miller, from
forethought to have young at that time, made profit by his sucking pigs that
were sold for the mid-winter feast.
"When in a moment all was silent in the
dusk, I broke the bar and came into the shed. The sow grunted, but did not come
forth to discover me. By and by I crept in towards her warmth. She had but
three young left, which now angered her, she being too full of milk. Every now
and again she slashed at them and they squealed. Busy as she was with them, I
in the darkness advanced towards her. I trembled so that scarce dared I trust
myself near her, for long dared not put my naked face towards her. Shuddering
with hunger and fear, I at last fed of her, guarding my face with my arm. Her
own full young tumbled squealing against me, but she, feeling her ease, lay grunting.
At last I, too, lay drunk, swooning.
"I was roused by the shouting of the
miller. He, angered by his daughter who wept, abused her, driving her from the
house to feed the swine. She came, bowing under a yoke, to the door of the
shed. Finding the pin broken she stood afraid, then, as the sow grunted, she
came cautiously in. I took her with my arm, my hand over her mouth. As she
struggled against my breast my heart began to beat loudly. At last she knew it
was I. I clasped her. She hung in my arms, turning away her face, so that I
kissed her throat. The tears blinded my eyes, I know not why, unless it were
the hurt of my mouth, wounded by the horse, was keen.
"'They will kill you,' she whispered.
"'No,' I answered.
"And she wept softly. She took my head in
her arms and kissed me, wetting me with her tears, brushing me with her keen
hair, warming me through.
"'I will not go away from here,' I said.
'Bring me a knife, and I will defend myself.'
"'No,' she wept. 'Ah, no!'
"When she went I lay down, pressing my
chest where she had rested on the earth, lest being alone were worse emptiness
than hunger.
"Later she came again. I saw her bend in
the doorway, a lanthorn hanging in front. As she peered under the redness of
her falling hair, I was afraid of her. But she came with food. We sat together
in the dull light. Sometimes still I shivered and my throat would not swallow.
"'If,' said I, 'I eat all this you have
brought me, I shall sleep till somebody finds me.'
"Then she took away the rest of the meat.
"'Why,' said I, 'should I not eat?' She
looked at me in tears of fear.
"'What?' I said, but still she had no
answer. I kissed her, and the hurt of my wounded mouth angered me.
"'Now there is my blood,' said I, 'on your
mouth.' Wiping her smooth hand over her lips, she looked thereat, then at me.
"'Leave me,' I said, 'I am tired.' She rose
to leave me.
"'But bring a knife,' I said. Then she held
the lanthorn near my face, looking as at a picture.
"'You look to me,' she said, 'like a stirk
that is roped for the axe. Your eyes are dark, but they are wide open.'
"'Then I will sleep,' said I, 'but will not
wake too late.'
"'Do not stay here,' she said.
"'I will not sleep in the wood,' I
answered, and it was my heart that spoke, 'for I am afraid. I had better be
afraid of the voice of man and dogs, than the sounds in the woods. Bring me a
knife, and in the morning I will go. Alone will I not go now.'
"'The searchers will take you,' she said.
"'Bring me a knife,' I answered.
"'Ah, go,' she wept.
"'Not now--I will not--'
"With that she lifted the lanthorn, lit up
her own face and mine. Her blue eyes dried of tears. Then I took her to myself,
knowing she was mine.
"'I will come again,' she said.
"She went, and I folded my arms, lay down
and slept.
"When I woke, she was rocking me wildly to
rouse me.
"'I dreamed,' said I, 'that a great heap,
as if it were a hill, lay on me and above me.'
"She put a cloak over me, gave me a
hunting-knife and a wallet of food, and other things I did not note. Then under
her own cloak she hid the lanthorn.
"'Let us go,' she said, and blindly I
followed her.
"When I came out into the cold someone
touched my face and my hair.
"'Ha!' I cried, 'who now--?' Then she
swiftly clung to me, hushed me.
"'Someone has touched me,' I said aloud,
still dazed with sleep.
"'Oh hush!' she wept. ''Tis snowing.' The
dogs within the house began to bark. She fled forward, I after her. Coming to
the ford of the stream she ran swiftly over, but I broke through the ice. Then
I knew where I was. Snowflakes, fine and rapid, were biting at my face. In the
wood there was no wind nor snow.
"'Listen,' said I to her, 'listen, for I am
locked up with sleep.'
"'I hear roaring overhead,' she answered.
'I hear in the trees like great bats squeaking.'
"'Give me your hand,' said I.
"We heard many noises as we passed. Once as
there uprose a whiteness before us, she cried aloud.
"'Nay,' said I, 'do not untie thy hand from
mine,' and soon we were crossing fallen snow. But ever and again she started
back from fear.
"'When you draw back my arm,' I said,
angry, 'you loosed a weal on my shoulder.'
"Thereafter she ran by my side, like a fawn
beside its mother.
"'We will cross the valley and gain the
stream,' I said. 'That will lead us on its ice as on a path deep into the
forest. There we can join the outlaws. The wolves are driven from this part.
They have followed the driven deer.'
"We came directly on a large gleam that
shaped itself up among flying grains of snow.
"'Ah!' she cried, and she stood amazed.
"Then I thought we had gone through the bounds
into faery realm, and I was no more a man. How did I know what eyes were
gleaming at me between the snow, what cunning spirits in the draughts of air?
So I waited for what would happen, and I forgot her, that she was there. Only I
could feel the spirits whirling and blowing about me.
"Whereupon she clung upon me, kissing me
lavishly, and, were dogs or men or demons come upon us at that moment, she had
let us be stricken down, nor heeded not. So we moved forward to the shadow that
shone in colours upon the passing snow. We found ourselves under a door of
light which shed its colours mixed with snow. This Martha had never seen, nor
I, this door open for a red and brave issuing like fires. We wondered.
"'It is faery,' she said, and after a
while, 'Could one catch such--Ah, no!'
"Through the snow shone bunches of red and
blue.
"'Could one have such a little light like a
red flower--only a little, like a rose-berry scarlet on one's breast!--then one
were singled out as Our Lady.'
"I flung off my cloak and my burden to
climb up the face of the shadow. Standing on rims of stone, then in pockets of
snow, I reached upward. My hand was red and blue, but I could not take the
stuff. Like colour of a moth's wing it was on my hand, it flew on the
increasing snow. I stood higher on the head of a frozen man, reached higher my
hand. Then I felt the bright stuff cold. I could not pluck it off. Down below
she cried to me to come again to her. I felt a rib that yielded, I struck at it
with my knife. There came a gap in the redness. Looking through I saw below as
it were white stunted angels, with sad faces lifted in fear. Two faces they had
each, and round rings of hair. I was afraid. I grasped the shining red, I
pulled. Then the cold man under me sank, so I fell as if broken on to the snow.
"Soon I was risen again, and we were
running downwards towards the stream. We felt ourselves eased when the smooth
road of ice was beneath us. For a while it was resting, to travel thus evenly.
But the wind blew round us, the snow hung upon us, we leaned us this way and
that, towards the storm. I drew her along, for she came as a bird that stems
lifting and swaying against the wind. By and by the snow came smaller, there
was not wind in the wood. Then I felt nor labour, nor cold. Only I knew the
darkness drifted by on either side, that overhead was a lane of paleness where
a moon fled us before. Still, I can feel the moon fleeing from me, can feel the
trees passing round me in slow dizzy reel, can feel the hurt of my shoulder and
my straight arm torn with holding her. I was following the moon and the stream,
for I knew where the water peeped from its burrow in the ground there were
shelters of the outlaw. But she fell, without sound or sign.
"I gathered her up and climbed the bank.
There all round me hissed the larchwood, dry beneath, and laced with its
dry-fretted cords. For a little way I carried her into the trees. Then I laid
her down till I cut flat hairy boughs. I put her in my bosom on this dry bed,
so we swooned together through the night. I laced her round and covered her
with myself, so she lay like a nut within its shell.
"Again, when morning came, it was pain of
cold that woke me. I groaned, but my heart was warm as I saw the heap of red
hair in my arms. As I looked at her, her eyes opened into mine. She
smiled--from out of her smile came fear. As if in a trap she pressed back her
head.
"'We have no flint,' said I.
"'Yes--in the wallet, flint and steel and
tinder box,' she answered.
"'God yield you blessing,' I said.
"In a place a little open I kindled a fire
of larch boughs. She was afraid of me, hovering near, yet never crossing a
space.
"'Come,' said I, 'let us eat this food.'
"'Your face,' she said, 'is smeared with
blood.'
"I opened out my cloak.
"'But come,' said I, 'you are frosted with
cold.'
"I took a handful of snow in my hand,
wiping my face with it, which then I dried on my cloak.
"'My face is no longer painted with blood,
you are no longer afraid of me. Come here then, sit by me while we eat.'
"But as I cut the cold bread for her, she
clasped me suddenly, kissing me. She fell before me, clasped my knees to her
breast, weeping. She laid her face down to my feet, so that her hair spread
like a fire before me. I wondered at the woman. 'Nay,' I cried. At that she
lifted her face to me from below. 'Nay,' I cried, feeling my tears fall. With
her head on my breast, my own tears rose from their source, wetting my cheek
and her hair, which was wet with the rain of my eyes.
"Then I remembered and took from my bosom
the coloured light of that night before. I saw it was black and rough.
"'Ah,' said I, 'this is magic.'
"'The black stone!' she wondered.
"'It is the red light of the night before,'
I said.
"'It is magic,' she answered.
"'Shall I throw it?' said I, lifting the
stone, 'shall I throw it away, for fear?'
"'It shines!' she cried, looking up. 'It
shines like the eye of a creature at night, the eye of a wolf in the doorway.'
"''Tis magic,' I said, 'let me throw it
from us.' But nay, she held my arm.
"'It is red and shining,' she cried.
"'It is a bloodstone,' I answered. 'It will
hurt us, we shall die in blood.'
"'But give it to me,' she answered.
"'It is red of blood,' I said.
"'Ah, give it to me,' she called.
"'It is my blood,' I said.
"'Give it,' she commanded, low.
"'It is my life-stone,' I said.
"'Give it me,' she pleaded.
"'I gave it her. She held it up, she
smiled, she smiled in my face, lifting her arms to me. I took her with my
mouth, her mouth, her white throat. Nor she ever shrank, but trembled with
happiness.
"What woke us, when the woods were filling
again with shadow, when the fire was out, when we opened our eyes and looked up
as if drowned, into the light which stood bright and thick on the tree-tops,
what woke us was the sound of wolves. . . ."
"Nay," said the vicar, suddenly
rising, "they lived happily ever after."
"No," I said.
I
It was a mile nearer through the wood.
Mechanically, Syson turned up by the forge and lifted the field-gate. The
blacksmith and his mate stood still, watching the trespasser. But Syson looked
too much a gentleman to be accosted. They let him go in silence across the
small field to the wood.
There was not the least difference between this
morning and those of the bright springs, six or eight years back. White and sandy-gold
fowls still scratched round the gate, littering the earth and the field with
feathers and scratched-up rubbish. Between the two thick holly bushes in the
wood-hedge was the hidden gap, whose fence one climbed to get into the wood;
the bars were scored just the same by the keeper's boots. He was back in the
eternal.
Syson was extraordinarily glad. Like an uneasy
spirit he had returned to the country of his past, and he found it waiting for
him, unaltered. The hazel still spread glad little hands downwards, the
bluebells here were still wan and few, among the lush grass and in shade of the
bushes.
The path through the wood, on the very brow of a
slope, ran winding easily for a time. All around were twiggy oaks, just issuing
their gold, and floor spaces diapered with woodruff, with patches of
dog-mercury and tufts of hyacinth. Two fallen trees still lay across the track.
Syson jolted down a steep, rough slope, and came again upon the open land, this
time looking north as through a great window in the wood. He stayed to gaze
over the level fields of the hill-top, at the village which strewed the bare
upland as if it had tumbled off the passing waggons of industry, and been
forsaken. There was a stiff, modern, grey little church, and blocks and rows of
red dwellings lying at random; at the back, the twinkling headstocks of the
pit, and the looming pit-hill. All was naked and out-of-doors, not a tree! It
was quite unaltered.
Syson turned, satisfied, to follow the path that
sheered downhill into the wood. He was curiously elated, feeling himself back
in an enduring vision. He started. A keeper was standing a few yards in front,
barring the way.
"Where might you be going this road,
sir?" asked the man. The tone of his question had a challenging twang.
Syson looked at the fellow with an impersonal, observant gaze. It was a young
man of four or five and twenty, ruddy and well favoured. His dark blue eyes now
stared aggressively at the intruder. His black moustache, very thick, was
cropped short over a small, rather soft mouth. In every other respect the
fellow was manly and good-looking. He stood just above middle height; the
strong forward thrust of his chest, and the perfect ease of his erect,
self-sufficient body, gave one the feeling that he was taut with animal life,
like the thick jet of a fountain balanced in itself. He stood with the butt of
his gun on the ground, looking uncertainly and questioningly at Syson. The
dark, restless eyes of the trespasser, examining the man and penetrating into
him without heeding his office, troubled the keeper and made him flush.
"Where is Naylor? Have you got his
job?" Syson asked.
"You're not from the House, are you?"
inquired the keeper. It could not be, since everyone was away.
"No, I'm not from the House," the
other replied. It seemed to amuse him.
"Then might I ask where you were making
for?" said the keeper, nettled.
"Where I am making for?" Syson
repeated. "I am going to Willey-Water Farm."
"This isn't the road."
"I think so. Down this path, past the well,
and out by the white gate."
"But that's not the public road."
"I suppose not. I used to come so often, in
Naylor's time, I had forgotten. Where is he, by the way?"
"Crippled with rheumatism," the keeper
answered reluctantly.
"Is he?" Syson exclaimed in pain.
"And who might you be?" asked the
keeper, with a new intonation.
"John Adderley Syson; I used to live in
Cordy Lane."
"Used to court Hilda Millership?"
Syson's eyes opened with a pained smile. He
nodded. There was an awkward silence.
"And you--who are you?" asked Syson.
"Arthur Pilbeam--Naylor's my uncle,"
said the other.
"You live here in Nuttall?"
"I'm lodgin' at my uncle's--at
Naylor's."
"I see!"
"Did you say you was goin' down to
Willey-Water?" asked the keeper.
"Yes."
There was a pause of some moments, before the
keeper blurted: "I'm courtin' Hilda Millership."
The young fellow looked at the intruder with a
stubborn defiance, almost pathetic. Syson opened new eyes.
"Are you?" he said, astonished. The
keeper flushed dark.
"She and me are keeping company," he
said.
"I didn't know!" said Syson. The other
man waited uncomfortably.
"What, is the thing settled?" asked
the intruder.
"How, settled?" retorted the other
sulkily.
"Are you going to get married soon, and all
that?"
The keeper stared in silence for some moments,
impotent.
"I suppose so," he said, full of
resentment.
"Ah!" Syson watched closely.
"I'm married myself," he added, after
a time.
"You are?" said the other
incredulously.
Syson laughed in his brilliant, unhappy way.
"This last fifteen months," he said.
The keeper gazed at him with wide, wondering
eyes, apparently thinking back, and trying to make things out.
"Why, didn't you know?" asked Syson.
"No, I didn't," said the other
sulkily.
There was silence for a moment.
"Ah well!" said Syson, "I will go
on. I suppose I may." The keeper stood in silent opposition. The two men
hesitated in the open, grassy space, set around with small sheaves of sturdy
bluebells; a little open platform on the brow of the hill. Syson took a few
indecisive steps forward, then stopped.
"I say, how beautiful!" he cried.
He had come in full view of the downslope. The
wide path ran from his feet like a river, and it was full of bluebells, save
for a green winding thread down the centre, where the keeper walked. Like a
stream the path opened into azure shallows at the levels, and there were pools
of bluebells, with still the green thread winding through, like a thin current
of ice-water through blue lakes. And from under the twig-purple of the bushes
swam the shadowed blue, as if the flowers lay in flood water over the woodland.
"Ah, isn't it lovely!" Syson
exclaimed; this was his past, the country he had abandoned, and it hurt him to
see it so beautiful. Woodpigeons cooed overhead, and the air was full of the
brightness of birds singing.
"If you're married, what do you keep
writing to her for, and sending her poetry books and things?" asked the
keeper. Syson stared at him, taken aback and humiliated. Then he began to
smile.
"Well," he said, "I did not know
about you . . ."
Again the keeper flushed darkly.
"But if you are married--" he charged.
"I am," answered the other cynically.
Then, looking down the blue, beautiful path,
Syson felt his own humiliation. "What right have I to
hang on to her?" he thought, bitterly self-contemptuous.
"She knows I'm married and all that,"
he said.
"But you keep sending her books,"
challenged the keeper.
Syson, silenced, looked at the other man
quizzically, half pitying. Then he turned.
"Good day," he said, and was gone.
Now, everything irritated him: the two sallows, one all gold and perfume and
murmur, one silver-green and bristly, reminded him, that here he had taught her
about pollination. What a fool he was! What god-forsaken folly it all was!
"Ah well," he said to himself;
"the poor devil seems to have a grudge against me. I'll do my best for
him." He grinned to himself, in a very bad temper.
II
The farm was less than a hundred yards from the
wood's edge. The wall of trees formed the fourth side to the open quadrangle.
The house faced the wood. With tangled emotions, Syson noted the plum blossom
falling on the profuse, coloured primroses, which he himself had brought here
and set. How they had increased! There were thick tufts of scarlet, and pink,
and pale purple primroses under the plum trees. He saw somebody glance at him
through the kitchen window, heard men's voices.
The door opened suddenly: very womanly she had
grown! He felt himself going pale.
"You?--Addy!" she exclaimed, and stood
motionless.
"Who?" called the farmer's voice.
Men's low voices answered. Those low voices, curious and almost jeering, roused
the tormented spirit in the visitor. Smiling brilliantly at her, he waited.
"Myself--why not?" he said.
The flush burned very deep on her cheek and
throat.
"We are just finishing dinner," she said.
"Then I will stay outside." He made a
motion to show that he would sit on the red earthenware pipkin that stood near
the door among the daffodils, and contained the drinking water.
"Oh no, come in," she said hurriedly.
He followed her. In the doorway, he glanced swiftly over the family, and bowed.
Everyone was confused. The farmer, his wife, and the four sons sat at the
coarsely laid dinner-table, the men with arms bare to the elbows.
"I am sorry I come at lunch-time,"
said Syson.
"Hello, Addy!" said the farmer,
assuming the old form of address, but his tone cold. "How are you?"
And he shook hands.
"Shall you have a bit?" he invited the
young visitor, but taking for granted the offer would be refused. He assumed
that Syson was become too refined to eat so roughly. The young man winced at
the imputation.
"Have you had any dinner?" asked the
daughter.
"No," replied Syson. "It is too
early. I shall be back at half-past one."
"You call it lunch, don't you?" asked
the eldest son, almost ironical. He had once been an intimate friend of this
young man.
"We'll give Addy something when we've
finished," said the mother, an invalid, deprecating.
"No--don't trouble. I don't want to give
you any trouble," said Syson.
"You could allus live on fresh air an'
scenery," laughed the youngest son, a lad of nineteen.
Syson went round the buildings, and into the
orchard at the back of the house, where daffodils all along the hedgerow swung
like yellow, ruffled birds on their perches. He loved the place
extraordinarily, the hills ranging round, with bear-skin woods covering their
giant shoulders, and small red farms like brooches clasping their garments; the
blue streak of water in the valley, the bareness of the home pasture, the sound
of myriad-threaded bird-singing, which went mostly unheard. To his last day, he
would dream of this place, when he felt the sun on his face, or saw the small
handfuls of snow between the winter twigs, or smelt the coming of spring.
Hilda was very womanly. In her presence he felt
constrained. She was twenty-nine, as he was, but she seemed to him much older.
He felt foolish, almost unreal, beside her. She was so static. As he was
fingering some shed plum blossom on a low bough, she came to the back door to
shake the table-cloth. Fowls raced from the stackyard, birds rustled from the
trees. Her dark hair was gathered up in a coil like a crown on her head. She
was very straight, distant in her bearing. As she folded the cloth, she looked
away over the hills.
Presently Syson returned indoors. She had prepared
eggs and curd cheese, stewed gooseberries and cream.
"Since you will dine to-night," she
said, "I have only given you a light lunch."
"It is awfully nice," he said.
"You keep a real idyllic atmosphere--your belt of straw and ivy
buds."
Still they hurt each other.
He was uneasy before her. Her brief, sure
speech, her distant bearing, were unfamiliar to him. He admired again her
grey-black eyebrows, and her lashes. Their eyes met. He saw, in the beautiful
grey and black of her glance, tears and a strange light, and at the back of
all, calm acceptance of herself, and triumph over him.
He felt himself shrinking. With an effort he
kept up the ironic manner.
She sent him into the parlour while she washed
the dishes. The long low room was refurnished from the Abbey sale, with chairs
upholstered in claret-coloured rep, many years old, and an oval table of
polished walnut, and another piano, handsome, though still antique. In spite of
the strangeness, he was pleased. Opening a high cupboard let into the thickness
of the wall, he found it full of his books, his old lesson-books, and volumes
of verse he had sent her, English and German. The daffodils in the white
window-bottoms shone across the room, he could almost feel their rays. The old
glamour caught him again. His youthful water-colours on the wall no longer made
him grin; he remembered how fervently he had tried to paint for her, twelve
years before.
She entered, wiping a dish, and he saw again the
bright, kernel-white beauty of her arms.
"You are quite splendid here," he
said, and their eyes met.
"Do you like it?" she asked. It was
the old, low, husky tone of intimacy. He felt a quick change beginning in his
blood. It was the old, delicious sublimation, the thinning, almost the
vaporizing of himself, as if his spirit were to be liberated.
"Aye," he nodded, smiling at her like
a boy again. She bowed her head.
"This was the countess's chair," she
said in low tones. "I found her scissors down here between the
padding."
"Did you? Where are they?"
Quickly, with a lilt in her movement, she
fetched her work-basket, and together they examined the long-shanked old
scissors.
"What a ballad of dead ladies!" he
said, laughing, as he fitted his fingers into the round loops of the countess's
scissors.
"I knew you could use them," she said,
with certainty. He looked at his fingers, and at the scissors. She meant his
fingers were fine enough for the small-looped scissors.
"That is something to be said for me,"
he laughed, putting the scissors aside. She turned to the window. He noticed
the fine, fair down on her cheek and her upper lip, and her soft, white neck,
like the throat of a nettle flower, and her fore-arms, bright as newly blanched
kernels. He was looking at her with new eyes, and she was a different person to
him. He did not know her. But he could regard her objectively now.
"Shall we go out awhile?" she asked.
"Yes!" he answered. But the
predominant emotion, that troubled the excitement and perplexity of his heart,
was fear, fear of that which he saw. There was about her the same manner, the
same intonation in her voice, now as then, but she was not what he had known
her to be. He knew quite well what she had been for him. And gradually he was
realizing that she was something quite other, and always had been.
She put no covering on her head, merely took off
her apron, saying, "We will go by the larches." As they passed the
old orchard, she called him in to show him a blue-tit's nest in one of the
apple trees, and a sycock's in the hedge. He rather wondered at her surety, at
a certain hardness like arrogance hidden under her humility.
"Look at the apple buds," she said,
and he then perceived myriads of little scarlet balls among the drooping
boughs. Watching his face, her eyes went hard. She saw the scales were fallen
from him, and at last he was going to see her as she was. It was the thing she
had most dreaded in the past, and most needed, for her soul's sake. Now he was
going to see her as she was. He would not love her, and he would know he never
could have loved her. The old illusion gone, they were strangers, crude and
entire. But he would give her her due--she would have her due from him.
She was brilliant as he had not known her. She
showed him nests: a jenny wren's in a low bush.
"See this jinty's!" she exclaimed.
He was surprised to hear her use the local name.
She reached carefully through the thorns, and put her fingers in the nest's
round door.
"Five!" she said. "Tiny little
things."
She showed him nests of robins, and chaffinches,
and linnets, and buntings; of a wagtail beside the water.
"And if we go down, nearer the lake, I will
show you a kingfisher's . . ."
"Among the young fir trees," she said,
"there's a throstle's or a blackie's on nearly every bough, every ledge.
The first day, when I had seen them all, I felt as if I mustn't go in the wood.
It seemed a city of birds: and in the morning, hearing them all, I thought of
the noisy early markets. I was afraid to go in my own wood."
She was using the language they had both of them
invented. Now it was all her own. He had done with it. She did not mind his
silence, but was always dominant, letting him see her wood. As they came along
a marshy path where forget-me-nots were opening in a rich blue drift: "We
know all the birds, but there are many flowers we can't find out," she
said. It was half an appeal to him, who had known the names of things.
She looked dreamily across to the open fields
that slept in the sun.
"I have a lover as well, you know,"
she said, with assurance, yet dropping again almost into the intimate tone.
This woke in him the spirit to fight her.
"I think I met him. He is
good-looking--also in Arcady."
Without answering, she turned into a dark path
that led up-hill, where the trees and undergrowth were very thick.
"They did well," she said at length,
"to have various altars to various gods, in old days."
"Ah yes!" he agreed. "To whom is
the new one?"
"There are no old ones," she said.
"I was always looking for this."
"And whose is it?" he asked.
"I don't know," she said, looking full
at him.
"I'm very glad, for your sake," he
said, "that you are satisfied."
"Aye--but the man doesn't matter so
much," she said. There was a pause.
"No!" he exclaimed, astonished, yet
recognizing her as her real self.
"It is one's self that matters," she
said. "Whether one is being one's own self and serving one's own
God."
There was silence, during which he pondered. The
path was almost flowerless, gloomy. At the side, his heels sank into soft clay.
III
"I," she said, very slowly, "I
was married the same night as you."
He looked at her.
"Not legally, of course," she replied.
"But--actually."
"To the keeper?" he said, not knowing
what else to say.
She turned to him.
"You thought I could not?" she said.
But the flush was deep in her cheek and throat, for all her assurance.
Still he would not say anything.
"You see"--she was making an effort to
explain--"I had to understand also."
"And what does it amount to, this understanding?"
he asked.
"A very great deal--does it not to
you?" she replied. "One is free."
"And you are not disappointed?"
"Far from it!" Her tone was deep and
sincere.
"You love him?"
"Yes, I love him."
"Good!" he said.
This silenced her for a while.
"Here, among his things, I love him,"
she said.
His conceit would not let him be silent.
"It needs this setting?" he asked.
"It does," she cried. "You were
always making me to be not myself."
He laughed shortly.
"But is it a matter of surroundings?"
he said. He had considered her all spirit.
"I am like a plant," she replied.
"I can only grow in my own soil."
They came to a place where the undergrowth
shrank away, leaving a bare, brown space, pillared with the brick-red and
purplish trunks of pine trees. On the fringe, hung the sombre green of elder
trees, with flat flowers in bud, and below were bright, unfurling pennons of
fern. In the midst of the bare space stood a keeper's log hut. Pheasant-coops
were lying about, some occupied by a clucking hen, some empty.
Hilda walked over the brown pine-needles to the
hut, took a key from among the eaves, and opened the door. It was a bare wooden
place with a carpenter's bench and form, carpenter's tools, an axe, snares,
straps, some skins pegged down, everything in order. Hilda closed the door.
Syson examined the weird flat coats of wild animals, that were pegged down to be
cured. She turned some knotch in the side wall, and disclosed a second, small
apartment.
"How romantic!" said Syson.
"Yes. He is very curious--he has some of a
wild animal's cunning--in a nice sense--and he is inventive, and
thoughtful--but not beyond a certain point."
She pulled back a dark green curtain. The
apartment was occupied almost entirely by a large couch of heather and bracken,
on which was spread an ample rabbit-skin rug. On the floor were patchwork rugs
of cat-skin, and a red calf-skin, while hanging from the wall were other furs.
Hilda took down one, which she put on. It was a cloak of rabbit-skin and of
white fur, with a hood, apparently of the skins of stoats. She laughed at Syson
from out of this barbaric mantle, saying:
"What do you think of it?"
"Ah--! I congratulate you on your
man," he replied.
"And look!" she said.
In a little jar on a shelf were some sprays,
frail and white, of the first honeysuckle.
"They will scent the place at night,"
she said.
He looked round curiously.
"Where does he come short, then?" he
asked. She gazed at him for a few moments. Then, turning aside:
"The stars aren't the same with him,"
she said. "You could make them flash and quiver, and the forget-me-nots
come up at me like phosphorescence. You could make things wonderful. I
have found it out--it is true. But I have them all for myself, now."
He laughed, saying:
"After all, stars and forget-me-nots are
only luxuries. You ought to make poetry."
"Aye," she assented. "But I have
them all now."
Again he laughed bitterly at her.
She turned swiftly. He was leaning against the
small window of the tiny, obscure room, and was watching her, who stood in the
doorway, still cloaked in her mantle. His cap was removed, so she saw his face
and head distinctly in the dim room. His black, straight, glossy hair was
brushed clean back from his brow. His black eyes were watching her, and his
face, that was clear and cream, and perfectly smooth, was flickering.
"We are very different," she said
bitterly.
Again he laughed.
"I see you disapprove of me," he said.
"I disapprove of what you have
become," she said.
"You think we might"--he glanced at
the hut--"have been like this--you and I?"
She shook her head.
"You! no; never! You plucked a thing and
looked at it till you had found out all you wanted to know about it, then you
threw it away," she said.
"Did I?" he asked. "And could
your way never have been my way? I suppose not."
"Why should it?" she said. "I am
a separate being."
"But surely two people sometimes go the
same way," he said.
"You took me away from myself," she
said.
He knew he had mistaken her, had taken her for
something she was not. That was his fault, not hers.
"And did you always know?" he asked.
"No--you never let me know. You bullied me.
I couldn't help myself. I was glad when you left me, really."
"I know you were," he said. But his
face went paler, almost deathly luminous.
"Yet," he said, "it was you who
sent me the way I have gone."
"I!" she exclaimed, in pride.
"You would have me take
the Grammar School scholarship--and you would have me foster poor little
Botell's fervent attachment to me, till he couldn't live without me--and
because Botell was rich and influential. You triumphed in the wine-merchant's
offer to send me to Cambridge, to befriend his only child. You wanted me to
rise in the world. And all the time you were sending me away from you--every
new success of mine put a separation between us, and more for you than for me.
You never wanted to come with me: you wanted just to send me to see what it was
like. I believe you even wanted me to marry a lady. You wanted to triumph over
society in me."
"And I am responsible," she said, with
sarcasm.
"I distinguished myself to satisfy
you," he replied.
"Ah!" she cried, "you always
wanted change, change, like a child."
"Very well! And I am a success, and I know
it, and I do some good work. But--I thought you were different. What right have
you to a man?"
"What do you want?" she said, looking
at him with wide, fearful eyes.
He looked back at her, his eyes pointed, like
weapons.
"Why, nothing," he laughed shortly.
There was a rattling at the outer latch, and the
keeper entered. The woman glanced round, but remained standing, fur-cloaked, in
the inner doorway. Syson did not move.
The other man entered, saw, and turned away without
speaking. The two also were silent.
Pilbeam attended to his skins.
"I must go," said Syson.
"Yes," she replied.
"Then I give you 'To our vast and varying
fortunes.'" He lifted his hand in pledge.
"'To our vast and varying fortunes,'"
she answered gravely, and speaking in cold tones.
"Arthur!" she said.
The keeper pretended not to hear. Syson,
watching keenly, began to smile. The woman drew herself up.
"Arthur!" she said again, with a
curious upward inflection, which warned the two men that her soul was trembling
on a dangerous crisis.
The keeper slowly put down his tool and came to
her.
"Yes," he said.
"I wanted to introduce you," she said,
trembling.
"I've met him a'ready," said the
keeper.
"Have you? It is Addy, Mr Syson, whom you
know about.--This is Arthur, Mr Pilbeam," she added, turning to Syson. The
latter held out his hand to the keeper, and they shook hands in silence.
"I'm glad to have met you," said
Syson. "We drop our correspondence, Hilda?"
"Why need we?" she asked.
The two men stood at a loss.
"Is there no need?" said
Syson.
Still she was silent.
"It is as you will," she said.
They went all three together down the gloomy
path.
"'Qu'il était bleu, le ciel, et grand
l'espoir,'" quoted Syson, not knowing what to say.
"What do you mean?" she said.
"Besides, we can't walk in our wild
oats--we never sowed any."
Syson looked at her. He was startled to see his
young love, his nun, his Botticelli angel, so revealed. It was he who had been
the fool. He and she were more separate than any two strangers could be. She
only wanted to keep up a correspondence with him--and he, of course, wanted it
kept up, so that he could write to her, like Dante to some Beatrice who had
never existed save in the man's own brain.
At the bottom of the path she left him. He went
along with the keeper, towards the open, towards the gate that closed on the
wood. The two men walked almost like friends. They did not broach the subject
of their thoughts.
Instead of going straight to the high-road gate,
Syson went along the wood's edge, where the brook spread out in a little bog,
and under the alder trees, among the reeds, great yellow stools and bosses of
marigolds shone. Threads of brown water trickled by, touched with gold from the
flowers. Suddenly there was a blue flash in the air, as a kingfisher passed.
Syson was extraordinarily moved. He climbed the
bank to the gorse bushes, whose sparks of blossom had not yet gathered into a
flame. Lying on the dry brown turf, he discovered sprigs of tiny purple
milkwort and pink spots of lousewort. What a wonderful world it
was--marvellous, for ever new. He felt as if it were underground, like the
fields of monotone hell, notwithstanding. Inside his breast was a pain like a
wound. He remembered the poem of William Morris, where in the Chapel of
Lyonesse a knight lay wounded, with the truncheon of a spear deep in his
breast, lying always as dead, yet did not die, while day after day the coloured
sunlight dipped from the painted window across the chancel, and passed away. He
knew now it never had been true, that which was between him and her, not for a
moment. The truth had stood apart all the time.
Syson turned over. The air was full of the sound
of larks, as if the sunshine above were condensing and falling in a shower.
Amid this bright sound, voices sounded small and distinct.
"But if he's married, an' quite willing to
drop it off, what has ter against it?" said the man's voice.
"I don't want to talk about it now. I want
to be alone."
Syson looked through the bushes. Hilda was
standing in the wood, near the gate. The man was in the field, loitering by the
hedge, and playing with the bees as they settled on the white bramble flowers.
There was silence for a while, in which Syson
imagined her will among the brightness of the larks. Suddenly the keeper
exclaimed "Ah!" and swore. He was gripping at the sleeve of his coat,
near the shoulder. Then he pulled off his jacket, threw it on the ground, and
absorbedly rolled up his shirt sleeve right to the shoulder.
"Ah!" he said vindictively, as he picked
out the bee and flung it away. He twisted his fine, bright arm, peering
awkwardly over his shoulder.
"What is it?" asked Hilda.
"A bee--crawled up my sleeve," he
answered.
"Come here to me," she said.
The keeper went to her, like a sulky boy. She
took his arm in her hands.
"Here it is--and the sting left in--poor
bee!"
She picked out the sting, put her mouth to his
arm, and sucked away the drop of poison. As she looked at the red mark her
mouth had made, and at his arm, she said, laughing:
"That is the reddest kiss you will ever
have."
When Syson next looked up, at the sound of
voices, he saw in the shadow the keeper with his mouth on the throat of his
beloved, whose head was thrown back, and whose hair had fallen, so that one
rough rope of dark brown hair hung across his bare arm.
"No," the woman answered. "I am
not upset because he's gone. You won't understand . . ."
Syson could not distinguish what the man said.
Hilda replied, clear and distinct:
"You know I love you. He has gone quite out
of my life--don't trouble about him . . ." He kissed her, murmuring. She
laughed hollowly.
"Yes," she said, indulgent. "We
will be married, we will be married. But not just yet." He spoke to her
again. Syson heard nothing for a time. Then she said:
"You must go home, now, dear--you will get
no sleep."
Again was heard the murmur of the keeper's
voice, troubled by fear and passion.
"But why should we be married at
once?" she said. "What more would you have, by being married? It is
most beautiful as it is."
At last he pulled on his coat and departed. She
stood at the gate, not watching him, but looking over the sunny country.
When at last she had gone, Syson also departed,
going back to town.
"Oh, I'm tired!" Frances exclaimed
petulantly, and in the same instant she dropped down on the turf, near the
hedge-bottom. Anne stood a moment surprised, then, accustomed to the vagaries
of her beloved Frances, said:
"Well, and aren't you always likely to be
tired, after travelling that blessed long way from Liverpool yesterday?"
and she plumped down beside her sister. Anne was a wise young body of fourteen,
very buxom, brimming with common sense. Frances was much older, about
twenty-three, and whimsical, spasmodic. She was the beauty and the clever child
of the family. She plucked the goose-grass buttons from her dress in a nervous,
desperate fashion. Her beautiful profile, looped above with black hair, warm
with the dusky-and-scarlet complexion of a pear, was calm as a mask, her thin
brown hand plucked nervously.
"It's not the journey," she said,
objecting to Anne's obtuseness. Anne looked inquiringly at her darling. The
young girl, in her self-confident, practical way, proceeded to reckon up this
whimsical creature. But suddenly she found herself full in the eyes of Frances;
felt two dark, hectic eyes flaring challenge at her, and she shrank away.
Frances was peculiar for these great, exposed looks, which disconcerted people
by their violence and their suddenness.
"What's a matter, poor old duck?"
asked Anne, as she folded the slight, wilful form of her sister in her arms.
Frances laughed shakily, and nestled down for comfort on the budding breasts of
the strong girl.
"Oh, I'm only a bit tired," she
murmured, on the point of tears.
"Well, of course you are, what do you
expect?" soothed Anne. It was a joke to Frances that Anne should play
elder, almost mother to her. But then, Anne was in her unvexed teens; men were
like big dogs to her: while Frances, at twenty-three, suffered a good deal.
The country was intensely morning-still. On the
common everything shone beside its shadow, and the hillside gave off heat in
silence. The brown turf seemed in a low state of combustion, the leaves of the
oaks were scorched brown. Among the blackish foliage in the distance shone the small
red and orange of the village.
The willows in the brook-course at the foot of
the common suddenly shook with a dazzling effect like diamonds. It was a puff
of wind. Anne resumed her normal position. She spread her knees, and put in her
lap a handful of hazel nuts, whity-green leafy things, whose one cheek was
tanned between brown and pink. These she began to crack and eat. Frances, with
bowed head, mused bitterly.
"Eh, you know Tom Smedley?" began the
young girl, as she pulled a tight kernel out of its shell.
"I suppose so," replied Frances
sarcastically.
"Well, he gave me a wild rabbit what he'd
caught, to keep with my tame one--and it's living."
"That's a good thing," said Frances,
very detached and ironic.
"Well, it is! He reckoned he'd
take me to Ollerton Feast, but he never did. Look here, he took a servant from
the rectory; I saw him."
"So he ought," said Frances.
"No, he oughtn't! and I told him so. And I
told him I should tell you--an' I have done."
Click and snap went a nut between her teeth. She
sorted out the kernel, and chewed complacently.
"It doesn't make much difference,"
said Frances.
"Well, 'appen it doesn't; but I was mad
with him all the same."
"Why?"
"Because I was; he's no right to go with a
servant."
"He's a perfect right," persisted Frances,
very just and cold.
"No, he hasn't, when he'd said he'd take
me."
Frances burst into a laugh of amusement and
relief.
"Oh, no; I'd forgot that," she said,
adding, "And what did he say when you promised to tell me?"
"He laughed and said, 'he won't fret her
fat over that.'"
"And she won't," sniffed Frances.
There was silence. The common, with its sere,
blonde-headed thistles, its heaps of silent bramble, its brown-husked gorse in
the glare of sunshine, seemed visionary. Across the brook began the immense
pattern of agriculture, white chequering of barley stubble, brown squares of
wheat, khaki patches of pasture, red stripes of fallow, with the woodland and
the tiny village dark like ornaments, leading away to the distance, right to
the hills, where the check-pattern grew smaller and smaller, till, in the
blackish haze of heat, far off, only the tiny white squares of barley stubble
showed distinct.
"Eh, I say, here's a rabbit hole!"
cried Anne suddenly. "Should we watch if one comes out? You won't have to
fidget, you know."
The two girls sat perfectly still. Frances
watched certain objects in her surroundings: they had a peculiar, unfriendly
look about them: the weight of greenish elderberries on their purpling stalks;
the twinkling of the yellowing crab-apples that clustered high up in the hedge,
against the sky: the exhausted, limp leaves of the primroses lying flat in the
hedge-bottom: all looked strange to her. Then her eyes caught a movement. A
mole was moving silently over the warm, red soil, nosing, shuffling hither and
thither, flat, and dark as a shadow, shifting about, and as suddenly brisk, and
as silent, like a very ghost of joie de vivre. Frances
started, from habit was about to call on Anne to kill the little pest. But,
to-day, her lethargy of unhappiness was too much for her. She watched the
little brute paddling, snuffing, touching things to discover them, running in
blindness, delighted to ecstasy by the sunlight and the hot, strange things
that caressed its belly and its nose. She felt a keen pity for the little
creature.
"Eh, our Fran, look there! It's a
mole."
Anne was on her feet, standing watching the
dark, unconscious beast. Frances frowned with anxiety.
"It doesn't run off, does it?" said
the young girl softly. Then she stealthily approached the creature. The mole
paddled fumblingly away. In an instant Anne put her foot upon it, not too
heavily. Frances could see the struggling, swimming movement of the little pink
hands of the brute, the twisting and twitching of its pointed nose, as it
wrestled under the sole of the boot.
"It does wriggle!"
said the bonny girl, knitting her brows in a frown at the eerie sensation. Then
she bent down to look at her trap. Frances could now see, beyond the edge of
the boot-sole, the heaving of the velvet shoulders, the pitiful turning of the
sightless face, the frantic rowing of the flat, pink hands.
"Kill the thing," she said, turning
away her face.
"Oh--I'm not," laughed Anne,
shrinking. "You can, if you like."
"I don't like," said
Frances, with quiet intensity.
After several dabbling attempts, Anne succeeded
in picking up the little animal by the scruff of its neck. It threw back its
head, flung its long blind snout from side to side, the mouth open in a
peculiar oblong, with tiny pinkish teeth at the edge. The blind, frantic mouth
gaped and writhed. The body, heavy and clumsy, hung scarcely moving.
"Isn't it a snappy little thing,"
observed Anne twisting to avoid the teeth.
"What are you going to do with it?"
asked Frances sharply.
"It's got to be killed--look at the damage
they do. I s'll take it home and let dadda or somebody kill it. I'm not going
to let it go."
She swaddled the creature clumsily in her
pocket-handkerchief and sat down beside her sister. There was an interval of
silence, during which Anne combated the efforts of the mole.
"You've not had much to say about Jimmy
this time. Did you see him often in Liverpool?" Anne asked suddenly.
"Once or twice," replied Frances,
giving no sign of how the question troubled her.
"And aren't you sweet on him any more,
then?"
"I should think I'm not, seeing that he's
engaged."
"Engaged? Jimmy Barrass! Well, of all
things! I never thought he'd get engaged."
"Why not, he's as much right as anybody
else?" snapped Frances.
Anne was fumbling with the mole.
"'Appen so," she said at length;
"but I never thought Jimmy would, though."
"Why not?" snapped Frances.
"I don't know--this blessed
mole, it'll not keep still!--who's he got engaged to?"
"How should I know?"
"I thought you'd ask him; you've known him
long enough. I s'd think he thought he'd get engaged now he's a Doctor of
Chemistry."
Frances laughed in spite of herself.
"What's that got to do with it?" she
asked.
"I'm sure it's got a lot. He'll want to
feel somebody now, so he's got engaged. Hey, stop it; go in!"
But at this juncture the mole almost succeeded
in wriggling clear. It wrestled and twisted frantically, waved its pointed
blind head, its mouth standing open like a little shaft, its big, wrinkled
hands spread out.
"Go in with you!" urged Anne, poking the
little creature with her forefinger, trying to get it back into the
handkerchief. Suddenly the mouth turned like a spark on her finger.
"Oh!" she cried, "he's bit
me."
She dropped him to the floor. Dazed, the blind
creature fumbled round. Frances felt like shrieking. She expected him to dart
away in a flash, like a mouse, and there he remained groping; she wanted to cry
to him to be gone. Anne, in a sudden decision of wrath, caught up her sister's
walking-cane. With one blow the mole was dead. Frances was startled and
shocked. One moment the little wretch was fussing in the heat, and the next it
lay like a little bag, inert and black--not a struggle, scarce a quiver.
"It is dead!" Frances said
breathlessly. Anne took her finger from her mouth, looked at the tiny
pinpricks, and said:
"Yes, he is, and I'm glad. They're vicious
little nuisances, moles are."
With which her wrath vanished. She picked up the
dead animal.
"Hasn't it got a beautiful skin," she
mused, stroking the fur with her forefinger, then with her cheek.
"Mind," said Frances sharply.
"You'll have the blood on your skirt!"
One ruby drop of blood hung on the small snout,
ready to fall. Anne shook it off on to some harebells. Frances suddenly became
calm; in that moment, grown-up.
"I suppose they have to be killed,"
she said, and a certain rather dreary indifference succeeded to her grief. The
twinkling crab-apples, the glitter of brilliant willows now seemed to her
trifling, scarcely worth the notice. Something had died in her, so that things
lost their poignancy. She was calm, indifference overlying her quiet sadness.
Rising, she walked down to the brook course.
"Here, wait for me," cried Anne,
coming tumbling after.
Frances stood on the bridge, looking at the red
mud trodden into pockets by the feet of cattle. There was not a drain of water
left, but everything smelled green, succulent. Why did she care so little for
Anne, who was so fond of her? she asked herself. Why did she care so little for
anyone? She did not know, but she felt a rather stubborn pride in her isolation
and indifference.
They entered a field where stooks of barley
stood in rows, the straight, blonde tresses of the corn streaming on to the
ground. The stubble was bleached by the intense summer, so that the expanse
glared white. The next field was sweet and soft with a second crop of seeds;
thin, straggling clover whose little pink knobs rested prettily in the dark
green. The scent was faint and sickly. The girls came up in single file,
Frances leading.
Near the gate a young man was mowing with the
scythe some fodder for the afternoon feed of the cattle. As he saw the girls he
left off working and waited in an aimless kind of way. Frances was dressed in
white muslin, and she walked with dignity, detached and forgetful. Her lack of agitation,
her simple, unheeding advance made him nervous. She had loved the far-off Jimmy
for five years, having had in return his half-measures. This man only affected
her slightly.
Tom was of medium stature, energetic in build.
His smooth, fair-skinned face was burned red, not brown, by the sun, and this
ruddiness enhanced his appearance of good humour and easiness. Being a year
older than Frances, he would have courted her long ago had she been so
inclined. As it was, he had gone his uneventful way amiably, chatting with many
a girl, but remaining unattached, free of trouble for the most part. Only he
knew he wanted a woman. He hitched his trousers just a trifle self-consciously
as the girls approached. Frances was a rare, delicate kind of being, whom he
realized with a queer and delicious stimulation in his veins. She gave him a
slight sense of suffocation. Somehow, this morning, she affected him more than
usual. She was dressed in white. He, however, being matter-of-fact in his mind,
did not realize. His feeling had never become conscious, purposive.
Frances knew what she was about. Tom was ready
to love her as soon as she would show him. Now that she could not have Jimmy,
she did not poignantly care. Still, she would have something. If she could not
have the best--Jimmy, whom she knew to be something of a snob--she would have
the second best, Tom. She advanced rather indifferently.
"You are back, then!" said Tom. She
marked the touch of uncertainty in his voice.
"No," she laughed, "I'm still in
Liverpool," and the undertone of intimacy made him burn.
"This isn't you, then?" he asked.
Her heart leapt up in approval. She looked in
his eyes, and for a second was with him.
"Why, what do you think?" she laughed.
He lifted his hat from his head with a distracted
little gesture. She liked him, his quaint ways, his humour, his ignorance, and
his slow masculinity.
"Here, look here, Tom Smedley," broke
in Anne.
"A moudiwarp! Did you find it dead?"
he asked.
"No, it bit me," said Anne.
"Oh, aye! An' that got your rag out, did
it?"
"No, it didn't!" Anne scolded sharply.
"Such language!"
"Oh, what's up wi' it?"
"I can't bear you to talk broad."
"Can't you?"
He glanced at Frances.
"It isn't nice," Frances said. She did
not care, really. The vulgar speech jarred on her as a rule; Jimmy was a
gentleman. But Tom's manner of speech did not matter to her.
"I like you to talk nicely,"
she added.
"Do you," he replied, tilting his hat,
stirred.
"And generally you do, you
know," she smiled.
"I s'll have to have a try," he said,
rather tensely gallant.
"What?" she asked brightly.
"To talk nice to you," he said.
Frances coloured furiously, bent her head for a moment, then laughed gaily, as
if she liked this clumsy hint.
"Eh now, you mind what you're saying,"
cried Anne, giving the young man an admonitory pat.
"You wouldn't have to give yon mole many
knocks like that," he teased, relieved to get on safe ground, rubbing his
arm.
"No indeed, it died in one blow," said
Frances, with a flippancy that was hateful to her.
"You're not so good at knockin' 'em?"
he said, turning to her.
"I don't know, if I'm cross," she said
decisively.
"No?" he replied, with alert
attentiveness.
"I could," she added, harder, "if
it was necessary."
He was slow to feel her difference.
"And don't you consider it is necessary?"
he asked, with misgiving.
"W--ell--is it?" she said, looking at
him steadily, coldly.
"I reckon it is," he replied, looking
away, but standing stubborn.
She laughed quickly.
"But it isn't necessary for me,"
she said, with slight contempt.
"Yes, that's quite true," he answered.
She laughed in a shaky fashion.
"I know it is," she
said; and there was an awkward pause.
"Why, would you like me to
kill moles then?" she asked tentatively, after a while.
"They do us a lot of damage," he said,
standing firm on his own ground, angered.
"Well, I'll see the next time I come across
one," she promised, defiantly. Their eyes met, and she sank before him,
her pride troubled. He felt uneasy and triumphant and baffled, as if fate had
gripped him. She smiled as she departed.
"Well," said Anne, as the sisters went
through the wheat stubble; "I don't know what you two's been jawing about,
I'm sure."
"Don't you?" laughed Frances
significantly.
"No, I don't. But, at any rate, Tom
Smedley's a good deal better to my thinking than Jimmy, so there--and
nicer."
"Perhaps he is," said Frances coldly.
And the next day, after a secret, persistent
hunt, she found another mole playing in the heat. She killed it, and in the
evening, when Tom came to the gate to smoke his pipe after supper, she took him
the dead creature.
"Here you are then!" she said.
"Did you catch it?" he replied, taking
the velvet corpse into his fingers and examining it minutely. This was to hide
his trepidation.
"Did you think I couldn't?" she asked,
her face very near his.
"Nay, I didn't know."
She laughed in his face, a strange little laugh
that caught her breath, all agitation, and tears, and recklessness of desire.
He looked frightened and upset. She put her hand to his arm.
"Shall you go out wi' me?" he asked,
in a difficult, troubled tone.
She turned her face away, with a shaky laugh.
The blood came up in him, strong, overmastering. He resisted it. But it drove
him down, and he was carried away. Seeing the winsome, frail nape of her neck,
fierce love came upon him for her, and tenderness.
"We s'll 'ave to tell your mother," he
said. And he stood, suffering, resisting his passion for her.
"Yes," she replied, in a dead voice.
But there was a thrill of pleasure in this death.
A rather small young man sat by the window of a
pretty seaside cottage trying to persuade himself that he was reading the
newspaper. It was about half-past eight in the morning. Outside, the glory
roses hung in the morning sunshine like little bowls of fire tipped up. The
young man looked at the table, then at the clock, then at his own big silver
watch. An expression of stiff endurance came on to his face. Then he rose and
reflected on the oil-paintings that hung on the walls of the room, giving careful
but hostile attention to "The Stag at Bay". He tried the lid of the
piano, and found it locked. He caught sight of his own face in a little mirror,
pulled his brown moustache, and an alert interest sprang into his eyes. He was
not ill-favoured. He twisted his moustache. His figure was rather small, but
alert and vigorous. As he turned from the mirror a look of self-commiseration
mingled with his appreciation of his own physiognomy.
In a state of self-suppression, he went through
into the garden. His jacket, however, did not look dejected. It was new, and
had a smart and self-confident air, sitting upon a confident body. He
contemplated the Tree of Heaven that flourished by the lawn, then sauntered on
to the next plant. There was more promise in a crooked apple tree covered with
brown-red fruit. Glancing round, he broke off an apple and, with his back to
the house, took a clean, sharp bite. To his surprise the fruit was sweet. He
took another. Then again he turned to survey the bedroom windows overlooking the
garden. He started, seeing a woman's figure; but it was only his wife. She was
gazing across to the sea, apparently ignorant of him.
For a moment or two he looked at her, watching
her. She was a good-looking woman, who seemed older than he, rather pale, but
healthy, her face yearning. Her rich auburn hair was heaped in folds on her
forehead. She looked apart from him and his world, gazing away to the sea. It
irked her husband that she should continue abstracted and in ignorance of him;
he pulled poppy fruits and threw them at the window. She started, glanced at
him with a wild smile, and looked away again. Then almost immediately she left
the window. He went indoors to meet her. She had a fine carriage, very proud,
and wore a dress of soft white muslin.
"I've been waiting long enough," he
said.
"For me or for breakfast?" she said
lightly. "You know we said nine o'clock. I should have thought you could
have slept after the journey."
"You know I'm always up at five, and I
couldn't stop in bed after six. You might as well be in pit as in bed, on a
morning like this."
"I shouldn't have thought the pit would
occur to you, here."
She moved about examining the room, looking at
the ornaments under glass covers. He, planted on the hearthrug, watched her
rather uneasily, and grudgingly indulgent. She shrugged her shoulders at the
apartment.
"Come," she said, taking his arm,
"let us go into the garden till Mrs Coates brings the tray."
"I hope she'll be quick," he said,
pulling his moustache. She gave a short laugh, and leaned on his arm as they
went. He had lighted a pipe.
Mrs Coates entered the room as they went down
the steps. The delightful, erect old lady hastened to the window for a good
view of her visitors. Her china-blue eyes were bright as she watched the young couple
go down the path, he walking in an easy, confident fashion, with his wife, on
his arm. The landlady began talking to herself in a soft, Yorkshire accent.
"Just of a height they are. She wouldn't
ha' married a man less than herself in stature, I think, though he's not her
equal otherwise." Here her granddaughter came in, setting a tray on the
table. The girl went to the old woman's side.
"He's been eating the apples, gran',"
she said.
"Has he, my pet? Well, if he's happy, why
not?"
Outside, the young, well-favoured man listened
with impatience to the chink of the teacups. At last, with a sigh of relief,
the couple came in to breakfast. After he had eaten for some time, he rested a
moment and said:
"Do you think it's any better place than
Bridlington?"
"I do," she said, "infinitely!
Besides, I am at home here--it's not like a strange sea-side place to me."
"How long were you here?"
"Two years."
He ate reflectively.
"I should ha' thought you'd rather go to a
fresh place," he said at length.
She sat very silent, and then, delicately, put
out a feeler.
"Why?" she said. "Do you think I
shan't enjoy myself?"
He laughed comfortably, putting the marmalade
thick on his bread.
"I hope so," he said.
She again took no notice of him.
"But don't say anything about it in the
village, Frank," she said casually. "Don't say who I am, or that I
used to live here. There's nobody I want to meet, particularly, and we should
never feel free if they knew me again."
"Why did you come, then?"
"'Why?' Can't you understand why?"
"Not if you don't want to know
anybody."
"I came to see the place, not the
people."
He did not say any more.
"Women," she said, "are different
from men. I don't know why I wanted to come--but I did."
She helped him to another cup of coffee,
solicitously.
"Only," she resumed, "don't talk
about me in the village." She laughed shakily. "I don't want my past
brought up against me, you know." And she moved the crumbs on the cloth
with her finger-tip.
He looked at her as he drank his coffee; he
sucked his moustache, and putting down his cup, said phlegmatically:
"I'll bet you've had a lot of past."
She looked with a little guiltiness, that
flattered him, down at the tablecloth.
"Well," she said, caressive, "you
won't give me away, who I am, will you?"
"No," he said, comforting, laughing,
"I won't give you away."
He was pleased.
She remained silent. After a moment or two she
lifted her head, saying:
"I've got to arrange with Mrs Coates, and
do various things. So you'd better go out by yourself this morning--and we'll be
in to dinner at one."
"But you can't be arranging with Mrs Coates
all morning," he said.
"Oh, well--then I've some letters to write,
and I must get that mark out of my skirt. I've got plenty of little things to
do this morning. You'd better go out by yourself."
He perceived that she wanted to be rid of him,
so that when she went upstairs, he took his hat and lounged out on to the
cliffs, suppressedly angry.
Presently she too came out. She wore a hat with
roses, and a long lace scarf hung over her white dress. Rather nervously, she
put up her sunshade, and her face was half-hidden in its coloured shadow. She
went along the narrow track of flag-stones that were worn hollow by the feet of
the fishermen. She seemed to be avoiding her surroundings, as if she remained
safe in the little obscurity of her parasol.
She passed the church, and went down the lane
till she came to a high wall by the wayside. Under this she went slowly,
stopping at length by an open doorway, which shone like a picture of light in
the dark wall. There in the magic beyond the doorway, patterns of shadow lay on
the sunny court, on the blue and white sea-pebbles of its paving, while a green
lawn glowed beyond, where a bay tree glittered at the edges. She tiptoed
nervously into the courtyard, glancing at the house that stood in shadow. The
uncurtained windows looked black and soulless, the kitchen door stood open.
Irresolutely she took a step forward, and again forward, leaning, yearning,
towards the garden beyond.
She had almost gained the corner of the house
when a heavy step came crunching through the trees. A gardener appeared before
her. He held a wicker tray on which were rolling great, dark red gooseberries,
overripe. He moved slowly.
"The garden isn't open today," he said
quietly to the attractive woman, who was poised for retreat.
For a moment she was silent with surprise. How
should it be public at all?
"When is it open?" she asked,
quick-witted.
"The rector lets visitors in on Fridays and
Tuesdays."
She stood still, reflecting. How strange to
think of the rector opening his garden to the public!
"But everybody will be at church," she
said coaxingly to the man. "There'll be nobody here, will there?"
He moved, and the big gooseberries rolled.
"The rector lives at the new rectory,"
he said.
The two stood still. He did not like to ask her
to go. At last she turned to him with a winning smile.
"Might I have one peep at
the roses?" she coaxed, with pretty wilfulness.
"I don't suppose it would matter," he
said, moving aside: "you won't stop long--"
She went forward, forgetting the gardener in a
moment. Her face became strained, her movements eager. Glancing round, she saw
all the windows giving on to the lawn were curtainless and dark. The house had
a sterile appearance, as if it were still used, but not inhabited. A shadow
seemed to go over her. She went across the lawn towards the garden, through an
arch of crimson ramblers, a gate of colour. There beyond lay the soft blue sea
with the bay, misty with morning, and the farthest headland of black rock
jutting dimly out between blue and blue of the sky and water. Her face began to
shine, transfigured with pain and joy. At her feet the garden fell steeply, all
a confusion of flowers, and away below was the darkness of tree-tops covering
the beck.
She turned to the garden that shone with sunny
flowers around her. She knew the little corner where was the seat beneath the
yew tree. Then there was the terrace where a great host of flowers shone, and
from this, two paths went down, one at each side of the garden. She closed her
sunshade and walked slowly among the many flowers. All round were rose bushes,
big banks of roses, then roses hanging and tumbling from pillars, or roses
balanced on the standard bushes. By the open earth were many other flowers. If
she lifted her head, the sea was upraised beyond, and the Cape.
Slowly she went down one path, lingering, like
one who has gone back into the past. Suddenly she was touching some heavy
crimson roses that were soft as velvet, touching them thoughtfully, without
knowing, as a mother sometimes fondles the hand of her child. She leaned
slightly forward to catch the scent. Then she wandered on in abstraction.
Sometimes a flame-coloured, scentless rose would hold her arrested. She stood
gazing at it as if she could not understand it. Again the same softness of
intimacy came over her, as she stood before a tumbling heap of pink petals.
Then she wondered over the white rose, that was greenish, like ice, in the
centre. So, slowly, like a white, pathetic butterfly, she drifted down the
path, coming at last to a tiny terrace all full of roses. They seemed to fill
the place, a sunny, gay throng. She was shy of them, they were so many and so
bright. They seemed to be conversing and laughing. She felt herself in a strange
crowd. It exhilarated her, carried her out of herself. She flushed with
excitement. The air was pure scent.
Hastily, she went to a little seat among the
white roses, and sat down. Her scarlet sunshade made a hard blot of colour. She
sat quite still, feeling her own existence lapse. She was no more than a rose,
a rose that could not quite come into blossom, but remained tense. A little fly
dropped on her knee, on her white dress. She watched it, as if it had fallen on
a rose. She was not herself.
Then she started cruelly as a shadow crossed her
and a figure moved into her sight. It was a man who had come in slippers,
unheard. He wore a linen coat. The morning was shattered, the spell vanished
away. She was only afraid of being questioned. He came forward. She rose. Then,
seeing him, the strength went from her and she sank on the seat again.
He was a young man, military in appearance,
growing slightly stout. His black hair was brushed smooth and bright, his
moustache was waxed. But there was something rambling in his gait. She looked
up, blanched to the lips, and saw his eyes. They were black, and stared without
seeing. They were not a man's eyes. He was coming towards her.
He stared at her fixedly, made unconscious
salute, and sat down beside her on the seat. He moved on the bench, shifted his
feet, saying, in a gentlemanly, military voice:
"I don't disturb you--do I?"
She was mute and helpless. He was scrupulously
dressed in dark clothes and a linen coat. She could not move. Seeing his hands,
with the ring she knew so well upon the little finger, she felt as if she were
going dazed. The whole world was deranged. She sat unavailing. For his hands,
her symbols of passionate love, filled her with horror as they rested now on
his strong thighs.
"May I smoke?" he asked intimately,
almost secretly, his hand going to his pocket.
She could not answer, but it did not matter, he
was in another world. She wondered, craving, if he recognized her--if he could
recognize her. She sat pale with anguish. But she had to go through it.
"I haven't got any tobacco," he said
thoughtfully.
But she paid no heed to his words, only she
attended to him. Could he recognize her, or was it all gone? She sat still in a
frozen kind of suspense.
"I smoke John Cotton," he said,
"and I must economize with it, it is expensive. You know, I'm not very
well off while these lawsuits are going on."
"No," she said, and her heart was
cold, her soul kept rigid.
He moved, made a loose salute, rose, and went
away. She sat motionless. She could see his shape, the shape she had loved,
with all her passion: his compact, soldier's head, his fine figure now
slackened. And it was not he. It only filled her with horror too difficult to
know.
Suddenly he came again, his hand in his jacket
pocket.
"Do you mind if I smoke?" he said.
"Perhaps I shall be able to see things more clearly."
He sat down beside her again, filling a pipe.
She watched his hands with the fine strong fingers. They had always inclined to
tremble slightly. It had surprised her, long ago, in such a healthy man. Now
they moved inaccurately, and the tobacco hung raggedly out of the pipe.
"I have legal business to attend to. Legal
affairs are always so uncertain. I tell my solicitor exactly, precisely what I
want, but I can never get it done."
She sat and heard him talking. But it was not
he. Yet those were the hands she had kissed, there were the glistening, strange
black eyes that she had loved. Yet it was not he. She sat motionless with
horror and silence. He dropped his tobacco pouch, and groped for it on the
ground. Yet she must wait if he would recognize her. Why could she not go! In a
moment he rose.
"I must go at once," he said.
"The owl is coming." Then he added confidentially: "His name
isn't really the owl, but I call him that. I must go and see if he has
come."
She rose too. He stood before her, uncertain. He
was a handsome, soldierly fellow, and a lunatic. Her eyes searched him, and
searched him, to see if he would recognize her, if she could discover him.
"You don't know me?" she asked, from
the terror of her soul, standing alone.
He looked back at her quizzically. She had to
bear his eyes. They gleamed on her, but with no intelligence. He was drawing
nearer to her.
"Yes, I do know you," he said, fixed,
intent, but mad, drawing his face nearer hers. Her horror was too great. The
powerful lunatic was coming too near to her.
A man approached, hastening.
"The garden isn't open this morning,"
he said.
The deranged man stopped and looked at him. The
keeper went to the seat and picked up the tobacco pouch left lying there.
"Don't leave your tobacco, sir," he
said, taking it to the gentleman in the linen coat.
"I was just asking this lady to stay to
lunch," the latter said politely. "She is a friend of mine."
The woman turned and walked swiftly, blindly,
between the sunny roses, out of the garden, past the house with the blank, dark
windows, through the sea-pebbled courtyard to the street. Hastening and blind,
she went forward without hesitating, not knowing whither. Directly she came to
the house she went upstairs, took off her hat, and sat down on the bed. It was
as if some membrane had been torn in two in her, so that she was not an entity
that could think and feel. She sat staring across at the window, where an ivy
spray waved slowly up and down in the sea wind. There was some of the uncanny
luminousness of the sunlit sea in the air. She sat perfectly still, without any
being. She only felt she might be sick, and it might be blood that was loose in
her torn entrails. She sat perfectly still and passive.
After a time she heard the hard tread of her
husband on the floor below, and, without herself changing, she registered his
movement. She heard his rather disconsolate footsteps go out again, then his
voice speaking, answering, growing cheery, and his solid tread drawing near.
He entered, ruddy, rather pleased, an air of
complacency about his alert figure. She moved stiffly. He faltered in his
approach.
"What's the matter?" he asked a tinge
of impatience in his voice. "Aren't you feeling well?"
This was torture to her.
"Quite," she replied.
His brown eyes became puzzled and angry.
"What is the matter?" he said.
"Nothing."
He took a few strides, and stood obstinately,
looking out of the window.
"Have you run up against anybody?" he
asked.
"Nobody who knows me," she said.
His hands began to twitch. It exasperated him,
that she was no more sensible of him than if he did not exist. Turning on her
at length, driven, he asked:
"Something has upset you hasn't it?"
"No, why?" she said neutral. He did
not exist for her, except as an irritant.
His anger rose, filling the veins in his throat.
"It seems like it," he said, making an
effort not to show his anger, because there seemed no reason for it. He went
away downstairs. She sat still on the bed, and with the residue of feeling left
to her, she disliked him because he tormented her. The time went by. She could
smell the dinner being served, the smoke of her husband's pipe from the garden.
But she could not move. She had no being. There was a tinkle of the bell. She
heard him come indoors. And then he mounted the stairs again. At every step her
heart grew tight in her. He opened the door.
"Dinner is on the table," he said.
It was difficult for her to endure his presence,
for he would interfere with her. She could not recover her life. She rose
stiffly and went down. She could neither eat nor talk during the meal. She sat
absent, torn, without any being of her own. He tried to go on as if nothing
were the matter. But at last he became silent with fury. As soon as it was possible,
she went upstairs again, and locked the bedroom door. She must be alone. He
went with his pipe into the garden. All his suppressed anger against her who
held herself superior to him filled and blackened his heart. Though he had not
know it, yet he had never really won her, she had never loved him. She had
taken him on sufference. This had foiled him. He was only a labouring
electrician in the mine, she was superior to him. He had always given way to
her. But all the while, the injury and ignominy had been working in his soul
because she did not hold him seriously. And now all his rage came up against
her.
He turned and went indoors. The third time, she
heard him mounting the stairs. Her heart stood still. He turned the catch and
pushed the door--it was locked. He tried it again, harder. Her heart was
standing still.
"Have you fastened the door?" he asked
quietly, because of the landlady.
"Yes. Wait a minute."
She rose and turned the lock, afraid he would
burst it. She felt hatred towards him, because he did not leave her free. He
entered, his pipe between his teeth, and she returned to her old position on
the bed. He closed the door and stood with his back to it.
"What's the matter?" he asked
determinedly.
She was sick with him. She could not look at him.
"Can't you leave me alone?" she
replied, averting her face from him.
He looked at her quickly, fully, wincing with
ignominy. Then he seemed to consider for a moment.
"There's something up with you, isn't
there?" he asked definitely.
"Yes," she said, "but that's no
reason why you should torment me."
"I don't torment you. What's the
matter?"
"Why should you know?" she cried, in
hate and desperation.
Something snapped. He started and caught his
pipe as it fell from his mouth. Then he pushed forward the bitten-off
mouth-piece with his tongue, took it from off his lips, and looked at it. Then
he put out his pipe, and brushed the ash from his waistcoat. After which he
raised his head.
"I want to know," he said. His face
was greyish pale, and set uglily.
Neither looked at the other. She knew he was
fired now. His heart was pounding heavily. She hated him, but she could not
withstand him. Suddenly she lifted her head and turned on him.
"What right have you to know?" she
asked.
He looked at her. She felt a pang of surprise
for his tortured eyes and his fixed face. But her heart hardened swiftly. She
had never loved him. She did not love him now.
But suddenly she lifted her head again swiftly,
like a thing that tries to get free. She wanted to be free of it. It was not
him so much, but it, something she had put on herself, that bound her so
horribly. And having put the bond on herself, it was hardest to take it off.
But now she hated everything and felt destructive. He stood with his back to
the door, fixed, as if he would oppose her eternally, till she was
extinguished. She looked at him. Her eyes were cold and hostile. His workman's
hands spread on the panels of the door behind him.
"You know I used to live here?" she
began, in a hard voice, as if wilfully to wound him. He braced himself against
her, and nodded.
"Well, I was companion to Miss Birch of
Torril Hall--she and the rector were friends, and Archie was the rector's
son." There was a pause. He listened without knowing what was happening.
He stared at his wife. She was squatted in her white dress on the bed,
carefully folding and re-folding the hem of her skirt. Her voice was full of
hostility.
"He was an officer--a sub-lieutenant--then
he quarrelled with his colonel and came out of the army. At any rate"--she
plucked at her skirt hem, her husband stood motionless, watching her movements
which filled his veins with madness--"he was awfully fond of me, and I was
of him--awfully."
"How old was he?" asked the husband.
"When--when I first knew him? Or when he
went away?--"
"When you first knew him."
"When I first knew him, he was
twenty-six--now--he's thirty-one--nearly thirty-two--because I'm twenty-nine,
and he is nearly three years older--"
She lifted her head and looked at the opposite
wall.
"And what then?" said her husband.
She hardened herself, and said callously:
"We were as good as engaged for nearly a
year, though nobody knew--at least--they talked--but--it wasn't open. Then he
went away--"
"He chucked you?" said the husband
brutally, wanting to hurt her into contact with himself. Her heart rose wildly
with rage. Then "Yes", she said, to anger him. He shifted from one
foot to the other, giving a "Ph!" of rage. There was silence for a
time.
"Then," she resumed, her pain giving a
mocking note to her words, "he suddenly went out to fight in Africa, and
almost the very day I first met you, I heard from Miss Birch he'd got
sunstroke--and two months after, that he was dead--"
"That was before you took on with me?"
said the husband.
There was no answer. Neither spoke for a time.
He had not understood. His eyes were contracted uglily.
"So you've been looking at your old
courting places!" he said. "That was what you wanted to go out by
yourself for this morning."
Still she did not answer him anything. He went
away from the door to the window. He stood with his hands behind him, his back
to her. She looked at him. His hands seemed gross to her, the back of his head
paltry.
At length, almost against his will, he turned
round, asking:
"How long were you carrying on with him?"
"What do you mean?" she replied
coldly.
"I mean how long were you carrying on with
him?"
She lifted her head, averting her face from him.
She refused to answer. Then she said:
"I don't know what you mean, by carrying
on. I loved him from the first days I met him--two months after I went to stay
with Miss Birch."
"And do you reckon he loved you?" he
jeered.
"I know he did."
"How do you know, if he'd have no more to
do with you?"
There was a long silence of hate and suffering.
"And how far did it go between you?"
he asked at length, in a frightened, stiff voice.
"I hate your not-straightforward
questions," she cried, beside herself with his baiting. "We loved
each other, and we were lovers--we were. I don't care
what you think: what have you got to do with it? We were
lovers before ever I knew you--"
"Lovers--lovers," he said, white with
fury. "You mean you had your fling with an army man, and then came to me
to marry you when you'd done--"
She sat swallowing her bitterness. There was a
long pause.
"Do you mean to say you used to go--the
whole hogger?" he asked, still incredulous.
"Why, what else do you think I mean?"
she cried brutally.
He shrank, and became white, impersonal. There
was a long, paralysed silence. He seemed to have gone small.
"You never thought to tell me all this
before I married you," he said, with bitter irony, at last.
"You never asked me," she replied.
"I never thought there was any need."
"Well, then, you should think."
He stood with expressionless, almost childlike
set face, revolving many thoughts, whilst his heart was mad with anguish.
Suddenly she added:
"And I saw him today," she said.
"He is not dead, he's mad."
Her husband looked at her, startled.
"Mad!' he said involuntarily.
"A lunatic," she said. It almost cost
her her reason to utter the word. There was a pause.
"Did he know you?" asked the husband
in a small voice.
"No," she said.
He stood and looked at her. At last he had
learned the width of the breach between them. She still squatted on the bed. He
could not go near her. It would be violation to each of them to be brought into
contact with the other. The thing must work itself out. They were both shocked
so much, they were impersonal, and no longer hated each other. After some
minutes he left her and went out.
I
Through the gloom of evening, and the flare of
torches of the night before the fair, through the still fogs of the succeeding
dawn came paddling the weary geese, lifting their poor feet that had been
dipped in tar for shoes, and trailing them along the cobble-stones into the
town. Last of all, in the afternoon, a country girl drove in her dozen birds,
disconsolate because she was so late. She was a heavily built girl, fair, with
regular features, and yet unprepossessing. She needed chiselling down, her
contours were brutal. Perhaps it was weariness that hung her eyelids a little
lower than was pleasant. When she spoke to her clumsily lagging birds it was in
a snarling nasal tone. One of the silly things sat down in the gutter and
refused to move. It looked very ridiculous, but also rather pitiful, squat
there with its head up, refusing to be urged on by the ungentle toe of the
girl. The latter swore heavily, then picked up the great complaining bird, and
fronting her road stubbornly, drove on the lamentable eleven.
No one had noticed her. This afternoon the women
were not sitting chatting on their doorsteps, seaming up the cotton hose, or
swiftly passing through their fingers the piled white lace; and in the high
dark houses the song of the hosiery frames was hushed: "Shackety-boom,
Shackety-shackety-boom, Z--zzz!" As she dragged up Hollow Stone, people
returned from the fair chaffed her and asked her what o'clock it was. She did
not reply, her look was sullen. The Lace Market was quiet as the Sabbath: even
the great brass plates on the doors were dull with neglect. There seemed an
afternoon atmosphere of raw discontent. The girl stopped a moment before the
dismal prospect of one of the great warehouses that had been gutted with fire.
She looked at the lean, threatening walls, and watched her white flock waddling
in reckless misery below, and she would have laughed out loud had the wall
fallen flat upon them and relieved her of them. But the wall did not fall, so
she crossed the road, and walking on the safe side, hurried after her charge.
Her look was even more sullen. She remembered the state of trade--Trade, the
invidious enemy; Trade, which thrust out its hand and shut the factory doors,
and pulled the stockingers off their seats, and left the web half-finished on
the frame; Trade, which mysteriously choked up the sources of the rivulets of
wealth, and blacker and more secret than a pestilence, starved the town.
Through this morose atmosphere of bad trade, in the afternoon of the first day
of the fair, the girl strode down to the Poultry with eleven sound geese and
one lame one to sell.
The Frenchmen were at the bottom of it! So
everybody said, though nobody quite knew how. At any rate, they had gone to war
with the Prussians and got beaten, and trade was ruined in Nottingham!
A little fog rose up, and the twilight gathered
around. Then they flared abroad their torches in the fair, insulting the night.
The girl still sat in the Poultry, and her weary geese unsold on the stones,
illuminated by the hissing lamp of a man who sold rabbits and pigeons and
such-like assorted live-stock.
II
In another part of the town, near Sneinton
Church, another girl came to the door to look at the night. She was tall and
slender, dressed with the severe accuracy which marks the girl of superior
culture. Her hair was arranged with simplicity about the long, pale, cleanly
cut face. She leaned forward very slightly to glance down the street,
listening. She very carefully preserved the appearance of having come quite
casually to the door, yet she lingered and lingered and stood very still to
listen when she heard a footstep, but when it proved to be only a common man,
she drew herself up proudly and looked with a small smile over his head. He
hesitated to glance into the open hall, lighted so spaciously with a
scarlet-shaded lamp, and at the slim girl in brown silk lifted up before the
light. But she, she looked over his head. He passed on.
Presently she started and hung in suspense.
Somebody was crossing the road. She ran down the steps in a pretty welcome, not
effuse, saying in quick, but accurately articulated words: "Will! I began
to think you'd gone to the fair. I came out to listen to it. I felt almost sure
you'd gone. You're coming in, aren't you?" She waited a moment anxiously.
"We expect you to dinner, you know," she added wistfully.
The man, who had a short face and spoke with his
lip curling up on one side, in a drawling speech with ironically exaggerated
intonation, replied after a short hesitation:
"I'm awfully sorry, I am, straight, Lois.
It's a shame. I've got to go round to the biz. Man proposes--the devil
disposes." He turned aside with irony in the darkness.
"But surely, Will!" remonstrated the
girl, keenly disappointed.
"Fact, Lois!--I feel wild about it myself. But
I've got to go down to the works. They may be getting a bit warm down there,
you know"--he jerked his head in the direction of the fair. "If the
Lambs get frisky!--they're a bit off about the work, and they'd just be in
their element if they could set a lighted match to something--"
"Will, you don't think--!" exclaimed
the girl, laying her hand on his arm in the true fashion of romance, and
looking up at him earnestly.
"Dad's not sure," he replied, looking
down at her with gravity. They remained in this attitude for a moment, then he
said:
"I might stop a bit. It's all right for an
hour, I should think."
She looked at him earnestly, then said in tones
of deep disappointment and of fortitude: "No, Will, you must go. You'd
better go--"
"It's a shame!" he murmured, standing
a moment at a loose end. Then, glancing down the street to see he was alone, he
put his arm round her waist and said in a difficult voice: "How goes
it?"
She let him keep her for a moment, then he
kissed her as if afraid of what he was doing. They were both uncomfortable.
"Well--!" he said at length.
"Good night!" she said, setting him
free to go.
He hung a moment near her, as if ashamed. Then
"Good night," he answered, and he broke away. She listened to his
footsteps in the night, before composing herself to turn indoors.
"Helloa!" said her father, glancing
over his paper as she entered the dining-room. "What's up, then?"
"Oh, nothing," she replied, in her
calm tones. "Will won't be here to dinner tonight."
"What, gone to the fair?"
"No."
"Oh! What's got him then?"
Lois looked at her father, and answered:
"He's gone down to the factory. They are
afraid of the hands."
Her father looked at her closely.
"Oh, aye!" he answered, undecided, and
they sat down to dinner.
III
Lois returned very early. She had a fire in her
bedroom. She drew the curtains and stood holding aside a heavy fold, looking
out at the night. She could see only the nothingness of the fog; not even the
glare of the fair was evident, though the noise clamoured small in the distance.
In front of everything she could see her own faint image. She crossed to the
dressing-table, and there leaned her face to the mirror, and looked at herself.
She looked a long time, then she rose, changed her dress for a dressing-jacket,
and took up Sesame and Lilies.
Late in the night she was roused from sleep by a
bustle in the house. She sat up and heard a hurrying to and fro and the sound
of anxious voices. She put on her dressing-gown and went out to her mother's
room. Seeing her mother at the head of the stairs, she said in her quick, clean
voice:
"Mother, what it it?"
"Oh, child, don't ask me! Go to bed, dear,
do! I shall surely be worried out of my life."
"Mother, what is it?" Lois was sharp
and emphatic.
"I hope your father won't go. Now I do hope
your father won't go. He's got a cold as it is."
"Mother, tell me what is it?" Lois
took her mother's arm.
"It's Selby's. I should have thought you
would have heard the fire-engine, and Jack isn't in yet. I hope we're
safe!" Lois returned to her bedroom and dressed. She coiled her plaited
hair, and having put on a cloak, left the house.
She hurried along under the fog-dripping trees
towards the meaner part of the town. When she got near, she saw a glare in the
fog, and closed her lips tight. She hastened on till she was in the crowd. With
peaked, noble face she watched the fire. Then she looked a little wildly over
the fire-reddened faces in the crowd, and catching sight of her father, hurried
to him.
"Oh, Dadda--is he safe? Is Will
safe--?"
"Safe, aye, why not? You've no business
here. Here, here's Sampson, he'll take you home. I've enough to bother me;
there's my own place to watch. Go home now, I can't do with you here."
"Have you seen Will?" she asked.
"Go home--Sampson, just take Miss Lois
home--now!"
"You don't really know where he
is--father?"
"Go home now--I don't want you here--"
her father ordered peremptorily.
The tears sprang to Lois' eyes. She looked at
the fire and the tears were quickly dried by fear. The flames roared and
struggled upward. The great wonder of the fire made her forget even her
indignation at her father's light treatment of herself and of her lover. There
was a crashing and bursting of timber, as the first floor fell in a mass into
the blazing gulf, splashing the fire in all directions, to the terror of the
crowd. She saw the steel of the machines growing white-hot and twisting like
flaming letters. Piece after piece of the flooring gave way, and the machines
dropped in red ruin as the wooden framework burned out. The air became
unbreathable; the fog was swallowed up: sparks went rushing up as if they would
burn the dark heavens; sometimes cards of lace went whirling into the gulf of
the sky, waving with wings of fire. It was dangerous to stand near this great
cup of roaring destruction.
Sampson, the grey old manager of Buxton and
Co's, led her away as soon as she would turn her face to listen to him. He was
a stout, irritable man. He elbowed his way roughly through the crowd, and Lois
followed him, her head high, her lips closed. He led her for some distance
without speaking, then at last, unable to contain his garrulous irritability,
he broke out:
"What do they expect? What can they expect?
They can't expect to stand a bad time. They spring up like mushrooms as big as
a house-side, but there's no stability in 'em. I remember William Selby when
he'd run on my errands. Yes, there's some as can make much out of little, and
there's some as can make much out of nothing, but they find it won't last.
William Selby's sprung up in a day, and he'll vanish in a night. You can't
trust to luck alone. Maybe he thinks it's a lucky thing this fire has come when
things are looking black. But you can't get out of it as easy as that. There's
been a few too many of 'em. No, indeed, a fire's the last thing I should hope
to come to--the very last!"
Lois hurried and hurried, so that she brought
the old manager panting in distress up the steps of her home. She could not
bear to hear him talking so. They could get no one to open the door for some
time. When at last Lois ran upstairs, she found her mother dressed, but all
unbuttoned again, lying back in the chair in her daughter's room, suffering
from palpitation of the heart, with Sesame and Lilies crushed
beneath her. Lois administered brandy, and her decisive words and movements
helped largely to bring the good lady to a state of recovery sufficient to
allow of her returning to her own bedroom.
Then Lois locked the door. She glanced at her
fire-darkened face, and taking the flattened Ruskin out of the chair, sat down
and wept. After a while she calmed herself, rose, and sponged her face. Then
once more on that fatal night she prepared for rest. Instead, however, or
retiring, she pulled a silk quilt from her disordered bed and wrapping it round
her, sat miserably to think. It was two o'clock in the morning.
IV
The fire was sunk to cold ashes in the grate,
and the grey morning was creeping through the half-opened curtains like a thing
ashamed, when Lois awoke. It was painful to move her head: her neck was
cramped. The girl awoke in full recollection. She sighed, roused herself and
pulled the quilt closer about her. For a little while she sat and mused. A
pale, tragic resignation fixed her face like a mask. She remembered her
father's irritable answer to her question concerning her lover's
safety--"Safe, aye--why not?" She knew that he suspected the factory
of having been purposely set on fire. But then, he had never liked Will. And
yet--and yet--Lois' heart was heavy as lead. She felt her lover was guilty. And
she felt she must hide her secret of his last communication to her. She saw
herself being cross-examined--"When did you last see this man?" But
she would hide what he had said about watching at the works. How dreary it
was--and how dreadful. Her life was ruined now, and nothing mattered any more.
She must only behave with dignity, and submit to her own obliteration. For even
if Will were never accused, she knew in her heart he was guilty. She knew it
was over between them.
It was dawn among the yellow fog outside, and
Lois, as she moved mechanically about her toilet, vaguely felt that all her
days would arrive slowly struggling through a bleak fog. She felt an intense
longing at this uncanny hour to slough the body's trammelled weariness and to
issue at once into the new bright warmth of the far Dawn where a lover waited
transfigured; it is so easy and pleasant in imagination to step out of the
chill grey dampness of another terrestrial daybreak, straight into the sunshine
of the eternal morning! And who can escape his hour? So Lois performed the
meaningless routine of her toilet, which at last she made meaningful when she
took her black dress, and fastened a black jet brooch at her throat.
Then she went downstairs and found her father
eating a mutton chop. She quickly approached and kissed him on the forehead.
Then she retreated to the other end of the table. Her father looked tired, even
haggard.
"You are early," he said, after a
while. Lois did not reply. Her father continued to eat for a few moments, then
he said:
"Have a chop--here's one! Ring for a hot
plate. Eh, what? Why not?"
Lois was insulted, but she gave no sign. She sat
down and took a cup of coffee, making no pretence to eat. Her father was
absorbed, and had forgotten her.
"Our Jack's not come home yet," he
said at last.
Lois stirred faintly. "Hasn't he?" she
said.
"No." There was silence for a time.
Lois was frightened. Had something happened also to her brother? This fear was
closer and more irksome.
"Selby's was cleaned out, gutted. We had a
near shave of it--"
"You have no loss, Dadda?"
"Nothing to mention." After another
silence, her father said:
"I'd rather be myself than William Selby.
Of course it may merely be bad luck--you don't know. But whatever it was, I
wouldn't like to add one to the list of fires just now. Selby was at the
'George' when it broke out--I don't know where the lad was--!"
"Father," broke in Lois, "why do
you talk like that? Why do you talk as if Will had done it?" She ended
suddenly. Her father looked at her pale, mute face.
"I don't talk as if Will had done it,"
he said. "I don't even think it."
Feeling she was going to cry, Lois rose and left
the room. Her father sighed, and leaning his elbows on his knees, whistled
faintly into the fire. He was not thinking about her.
Lois went down to the kitchen and asked Lucy,
the parlour-maid, to go out with her. She somehow shrank from going alone, lest
people should stare at her overmuch: and she felt an overpowering impulse to go
to the scene of the tragedy, to judge for herself.
The churches were chiming half-past eight when
the young lady and the maid set off down the street. Nearer the fair, swarthy,
thin-legged men were pushing barrels of water towards the market-place, and the
gipsy women, with hard brows, and dressed in tight velvet bodices, hurried
along the pavement with jugs of milk, and great brass water ewers and loaves
and breakfast parcels. People were just getting up, and in the poorer streets
was a continual splash of tea-leaves, flung out on to the cobble-stones. A
teapot came crashing down from an upper story just behind Lois, and she,
starting round and looking up, thought that the trembling, drink-bleared man at
the upper window, who was stupidly staring after his pot, had had designs on
her life; and she went on her way shuddering at the grim tragedy of life.
In the dull October morning the ruined factory
was black and ghastly. The window-frames were all jagged, and the walls stood
gaunt. Inside was a tangle of twisted débris, the iron, in
parts red with bright rust, looking still hot; the charred wood was black and
satiny; from dishevelled heaps, sodden with water, a faint smoke rose dimly.
Lois stood and looked. If he had done that! He might even be dead there, burned
to ash and lost for ever. It was almost soothing to feel so. He would be safe
in the eternity which now she must hope in.
At her side the pretty, sympathetic maid chatted
plaintively. Suddenly, from one of her lapses into silence, she exclaimed:
"Why if there isn't Mr Jack!"
Lois turned suddenly and saw her brother and her
lover approaching her. Both looked soiled, untidy and wan. Will had a black
eye, some ten hours old, well coloured. Lois turned very pale as they
approached. They were looking gloomily at the factory, and for a moment did not
notice the girls.
"I'll be jiggered if there ain't our
Lois!" exclaimed Jack, the reprobate, swearing under his breath.
"Oh, God!" exclaimed the other in
disgust.
"Jack, where have you been?" said Lois
sharply, in keen pain, not looking at her lover. Her sharp tone of suffering
drove her lover to defend himself with an affectation of comic recklessness.
"In quod," replied her brother,
smiling sickly.
"Jack!" cried his sister very sharply.
"Fact."
Will Selby shuffled on his feet and smiled,
trying to turn away his face so that she should not see his black eye. She
glanced at him. He felt her boundless anger and contempt, and with great
courage he looked straight at her, smiling ironically. Unfortunately his smile
would not go over his swollen eye, which remained grave and lurid.
"Do I look pretty?" he inquired with a
hateful twist of his lip.
"Very!" she replied.
"I thought I did," he replied. And he
turned to look at his father's ruined works, and he felt miserable and
stubborn. The girl standing there so clean and out of it all! Oh, God, he felt
sick. He turned to go home.
The three went together, Lois silent in anger
and resentment. Her brother was tired and overstrung, but not suppressed. He
chattered on blindly.
"It was a lark we had! We met Bob Osborne
and Freddy Mansell coming down Poultry. There was girl with some geese. She
looked a tanger sitting there, all like statues, her and the geese. It was Will
who began it. He offered her three-pence and asked her to begin the show. She
called him a--she called him something, and then somebody poked an old gander
to stir him up, and somebody squirted him in the eye. He upped and squawked and
started off with his neck out. Laugh! We nearly killed ourselves, keeping back
those old birds with squirts and teasers. Oh, Lum! Those old geese, oh,
scrimmy, they didn't know where to turn, they fairly went off their dots,
coming at us right an' left, and such a row--it was fun, you never knew! Then
the girl she got up and knocked somebody over the jaw, and we were right in for
it. Well, in the end, Billy here got hold of her round the waist--"
"Oh, dry it up!" exclaimed Will
bitterly.
Jack looked at him, laughed mirthlessly, and
continued: "An' we said we'd buy her birds. So we got hold of one goose
apiece--an' they took some holding, I can tell you--and off we set round the
fair, Billy leading with the girl. The bloomin' geese squawked an' pecked.
Laugh--I thought I should a' died. Well, then we wanted the girl to have her
birds back--and then she fired up. She got some other chaps on her side, and
there was a proper old row. The girl went tooth and nail for Will there--she
was dead set against him. She gave him a black eye, by gum, and we went at it,
I can tell you. It was a free fight, a beauty, an' we got run in. I don't know
what became of the girl."
Lois surveyed the two men. There was no glimmer
of a smile on her face, though the maid behind her was sniggering. Will was
very bitter. He glanced at his sweetheart and at the ruined factory.
"How's dad taken it?" he asked, in a
biting, almost humble tone.
"I don't know," she replied coldly.
"Father's in an awful way. I believe everybody thinks you set the place on
fire."
Lois drew herself up. She had delivered her
blow. She drew herself up in cold condemnation and for a moment enjoyed her
complete revenge. He was despicable, abject in his dishevelled, disfigured,
unwashed condition.
"Aye, well, they made a mistake for
once," he replied, with a curl of the lip.
Curiously enough, they walked side by side as if
they belonged to each other. She was his conscience-keeper. She was far from
forgiving him, but she was still farther from letting him go. And he walked at
her side like a boy who had to be punished before he can be exonerated. He
submitted. But there was a genuine bitter contempt in the curl of his lip.
I
"I'm getting up, Teddilinks," said Mrs
Whiston, and she sprang out of bed briskly.
"What the Hanover's got you?" asked
Whiston.
"Nothing. Can't I get up?" she replied
animatedly.
It was about seven o'clock, scarcely light yet
in the cold bedroom. Whiston lay still and looked at his wife. She was a pretty
little thing, with her fleecy, short black hair all tousled . . . He watched
her as she dressed quickly, flicking her small, delightful limbs, throwing her
clothes about her. Her slovenliness and untidiness did not trouble him. When
she picked up the edge of her petticoat, ripped off a torn string of white
lace, and flung it on the dressing-table, her careless abandon made his spirit
glow. She stood before the mirror and roughly scrambled together her profuse
little mane of hair. He watched the quickness and softness of her young
shoulders, calmly, like a husband, and appreciatively.
"Rise up," she cried, turning to him
with a quick wave of her arm--"and shine forth."
They had been married two years. But still, when
she had gone out of the room, he felt as if all his light and warmth were taken
away, he became aware of the raw, cold morning. So he rose himself, wondering
casually what had roused her so early. Usually she lay in bed as late as she
could.
Whiston fastened a belt round his loins and went
downstairs in shirt and trousers. He heard her singing in her snatchy fashion.
The stairs creaked under his weight. He passed down the narrow little passage,
which she called a hall, of the seven and sixpenny house which was his first
home.
He was a shapely young fellow of about
twenty-eight, sleepy now and easy with well-being. He heard the water drumming
into the kettle, and she began to whistle. He loved the quick way she dodged
the supper cups under the tap to wash them for breakfast. She looked an untidy
minx, but she was quick and handy enough.
"Teddilinks," she cried.
"What?"
"Light a fire, quick."
She wore an old, sack-like dressing-jacket of
black silk pinned across her breast. But one of the sleeves, coming unfastened,
showed some delightful pink upper-arm.
"Why don't you sew your sleeve up?" he
said, suffering from the sight of the exposed soft flesh.
"Where?" she cried, peering round.
"Nuisance," she said, seeing the gap, then with light fingers went on
drying the cups.
The kitchen was of fair size, but gloomy.
Whiston poked out the dead ashes.
Suddenly a thud was heard at the door down the
passage.
"I'll go," cried Mrs Whiston, and she
was gone down the hall.
The postman was a ruddy-faced man who had been a
soldier. He smiled broadly, handing her some packages.
"They've not forgot you," he said
impudently.
"No--lucky for them," she said, with a
toss of the head. But she was interested only in her envelopes this morning.
The postman waited inquisitively, smiling in an ingratiating fashion. She
slowly, abstractedly, as if she did not know anyone was there, closed the door
in his face, continuing to look at the addresses on her letters.
She tore open the thin envelope. There was a
long, hideous, cartoon valentine. She smiled briefly and dropped it on the
floor. Struggling with the string of a packet, she opened a white cardboard
box, and there lay a white silk handkerchief packed neatly under the paper lace
of the box, and her initial, worked in heliotrope, fully displayed. She smiled
pleasantly, and gently put the box aside. The third envelope contained another
white packet--apparently a cotton handkerchief neatly folded. She shook it out.
It was a long white stocking, but there was a little weight in the toe.
Quickly, she thrust down her arm, wriggling her fingers into the toe of the
stocking, and brought out a small box. She peeped inside the box, then hastily
opened a door on her left hand, and went into the little, cold sitting-room.
She had her lower lip caught earnestly between her teeth.
With a little flash of triumph, she lifted a
pair of pearl ear-rings from the small box, and she went to the mirror. There,
earnestly, she began to hook them through her ears, looking at herself sideways
in the glass. Curiously concentrated and intent she seemed as she fingered the
lobes of her ears, her head bent on one side.
Then the pearl ear-rings dangled under her rosy,
small ears. She shook her head sharply, to see the swing of the drops. They
went chill against her neck, in little, sharp touches. Then she stood still to
look at herself, bridling her head in the dignified fashion. Then she simpered
at herself. Catching her own eye, she could not help winking at herself and
laughing.
She turned to look at the box. There was a scrap
of paper with this posy:
"Pearls may be fair, but thou art fairer.
Wear these for me, and I'll love the wearer."
She made a grimace and a grin. But she was drawn
to the mirror again, to look at her ear-rings.
Whiston had made the fire burn, so he came to
look for her. When she heard him, she started round quickly, guiltily. She was
watching him with intent blue eyes when he appeared.
He did not see much, in his morning-drowsy warmth.
He gave her, as ever, a feeling of warmth and slowness. His eyes were very
blue, very kind, his manner simple.
"What ha' you got?" he asked.
"Valentines," she said briskly,
ostentatiously turning to show him the silk handkerchief. She thrust it under his
nose. "Smell how good," she said.
"Who's that from?" he replied, without
smelling.
"It's a valentine," she cried.
"How da I know who it's from?"
"I'll bet you know," he said.
"Ted!--I don't!" she cried, beginning
to shake her head, then stopping because of the ear-rings.
He stood still a moment, displeased.
"They've no right to send you valentines,
now," he said.
"Ted!--Why not? You're not jealous, are
you? I haven't the least idea who it's from. Look--there's my
initial"--she pointed with an emphatic finger at the heliotrope
embroidery--
"E for Elsie,
Nice little gelsie,"
she sang.
"Get out," he said. "You know who
it's from."
"Truth, I don't," she cried.
He looked round, and saw the white stocking
lying on a chair.
"Is this another?" he said.
"No, that's a sample," she said.
"There's only a comic." And she fetched in the long cartoon.
He stretched it out and looked at it solemnly.
"Fools!" he said, and went out of the
room.
She flew upstairs and took off the ear-rings.
When she returned, he was crouched before the fire blowing the coals. The skin
of his face was flushed, and slightly pitted, as if he had had small-pox. But
his neck was white and smooth and goodly. She hung her arms round his neck as
he crouched there, and clung to him. He balanced on his toes.
"This fire's a slow-coach," he said.
"And who else is a slow-coach?" she
said.
"One of us two, I know," he said, and
he rose carefully. She remained clinging round his neck, so that she was lifted
off her feet.
"Ha!--swing me," she cried.
He lowered his head, and she hung in the air,
swinging from his neck, laughing. Then she slipped off.
"The kettle is singing," she sang,
flying for the teapot. He bent down again to blow the fire. The veins in his
neck stood out, his shirt collar seemed too tight.
"Doctor Wyer,
Blow the fire,
Puff! puff! puff!"
she sang, laughing.
He smiled at her.
She was so glad because of her pearl ear-rings.
Over the breakfast she grew serious. He did not
notice. She became portentous in her gravity. Almost it penetrated through his
steady good-humour to irritate him.
"Teddy!" she said at last.
"What?" he asked.
"I told you a lie," she said, humbly
tragic.
His soul stirred uneasily.
"Oh aye?" he said casually.
She was not satisfied. He ought to be more
moved.
"Yes," she said.
He cut a piece of bread.
"Was it a good one?" he asked.
She was piqued. Then she considered--was it
a good one? Then she laughed.
"No," she said, "it wasn't up to
much."
"Ah!" he said easily, but with a
steady strength of fondness for her in his tone. "Get it out then."
It became a little more difficult.
"You know that white stocking," she
said earnestly. "I told you a lie. It wasn't a sample. It was a
valentine."
A little frown came on his brow.
"Then what did you invent it as a sample
for?" he said. But he knew this weakness of hers. The touch of anger in
his voice frightened her.
"I was afraid you'd be cross," she
said pathetically.
"I'll bet you were vastly afraid," he
said.
"I was, Teddy."
There was a pause. He was resolving one or two
things in his mind.
"And who sent it?" he asked.
"I can guess," she said, "though
there wasn't a word with it--except--"
She ran to the sitting-room and returned with a
slip of paper.
"Pearls may be fair, but thou art fairer.
Wear these for me, and I'll love the wearer."
He read it twice, then a dull red flush came on
his face.
"And who do you guess it
is?" he asked, with a ringing of anger in his voice.
"I suspect it's Sam Adams," she said,
with a little virtuous indignation.
Whiston was silent for a moment.
"Fool!" he said. "An' what's it
got to do with pearls?--and how can he say 'wear these for me' when there's
only one? He hasn't got the brain to invent a proper verse."
He screwed the sup of paper into a ball and
flung it into the fire.
"I suppose he thinks it'll make a pair with
the one last year," she said.
"Why, did he send one then?"
"Yes. I thought you'd be wild if you
knew."
His jaw set rather sullenly.
Presently he rose, and went to wash himself,
rolling back his sleeves and pulling open his shirt at the breast. It was as if
his fine, clear-cut temples and steady eyes were degraded by the lower, rather
brutal part of his face. But she loved it. As she whisked about, clearing the
table, she loved the way in which he stood washing himself. He was such a man. She
liked to see his neck glistening with water as he swilled it. It amused her and
pleased her and thrilled her. He was so sure, so permanent, he had her so
utterly in his power. It gave her a delightful, mischievous sense of liberty.
Within his grasp, she could dart about excitingly.
He turned round to her, his face red from the
cold water, his eyes fresh and very blue.
"You haven't been seeing anything of him,
have you?" he asked roughly.
"Yes," she answered, after a moment,
as if caught guilty. "He got into the tram with me, and he asked me to
drink a coffee and a Benedictine in the Royal."
"You've got it off fine and glib," he
said sullenly. "And did you?"
"Yes," she replied, with the air of a
traitor before the rack.
The blood came up into his neck and face, he
stood motionless, dangerous.
"It was cold, and it was such fun to go
into the Royal," she said.
"You'd go off with a nigger for a packet of
chocolate," he said, in anger and contempt, and some bitterness. Queer how
he drew away from her, cut her off from him.
"Ted--how beastly!" she cried.
"You know quite well--" She caught her lip, flushed, and the tears
came to her eyes.
He turned away, to put on his necktie. She went
about her work, making a queer pathetic little mouth, down which occasionally dripped
a tear.
He was ready to go. With his hat jammed down on
his head, and his overcoat buttoned up to his chin, he came to kiss her. He
would be miserable all the day if he went without. She allowed herself to be
kissed. Her cheek was wet under his lips, and his heart burned. She hurt him so
deeply. And she felt aggrieved, and did not quite forgive him.
In a moment she went upstairs to her ear-rings.
Sweet they looked nestling in the little drawer--sweet! She examined them with
voluptuous pleasure, she threaded them in her ears, she looked at herself, she
posed and postured and smiled, and looked sad and tragic and winning and
appealing, all in turn before the mirror. And she was happy, and very pretty.
She wore her ear-rings all morning, in the
house. She was self-conscious, and quite brilliantly winsome, when the baker
came, wondering if he would notice. All the tradesmen left her door with a glow
in them, feeling elated, and unconsciously favouring the delightful little
creature, though there had been nothing to notice in her behaviour.
She was stimulated all the day. She did not
think about her husband. He was the permanent basis from which she took these
giddy little flights into nowhere. At night, like chickens and curses, she
would come home to him, to roost.
Meanwhile Whiston, a traveller and confidential
support of a small firm, hastened about his work, his heart all the while
anxious for her, yearning for surety, and kept tense by not getting it.
II
She had been a warehouse girl in Adams's lace
factory before she was married. Sam Adams was her employer. He was a bachelor
of forty, growing stout, a man well dressed and florid, with a large brown
moustache and thin hair. From the rest of his well-groomed, showy appearance,
it was evident his baldness was a chagrin to him. He had a good presence, and
some Irish blood in his veins.
His fondness for the girls, or the fondness of
the girls for him, was notorious. And Elsie, quick, pretty, almost witty little
thing--she seemed witty, although, when her sayings were
repeated, they were entirely trivial--she had a great attraction for him. He
would come into the warehouse dressed in a rather sporting reefer coat, of fawn
colour, and trousers of fine black-and-white check, a cap with a big peak and a
scarlet carnation in his button-hole, to impress her. She was only half
impressed. He was too loud for her good taste. Instinctively perceiving this,
he sobered down to navy blue. Then a well-built man, florid, with large brown
whiskers, smart navy blue suit, fashionable boots, and manly hat, he was the
irreproachable. Elsie was impressed.
But meanwhile Whiston was courting her, and she
made splendid little gestures, before her bedroom mirror, of the
constant-and-true sort.
"True, true till death--"
That was her song. Whiston was made that way, so
there was no need to take thought for him.
Every Christmas Sam Adams gave a party at his
house, to which he invited his superior work-people--not factory hands and
labourers, but those above. He was a generous man in his way, with a real warm
feeling for giving pleasure.
Two years ago Elsie had attended this
Christmas-party for the last time. Whiston had accompanied her. At that time he
worked for Sam Adams.
She had been very proud of herself, in her
close-fitting, full-skirted dress of blue silk. Whiston called for her. Then
she tripped beside him, holding her large cashmere shawl across her breast. He
strode with long strides, his trousers handsomely strapped under his boots, and
her silk shoes bulging the pockets of his full-skirted overcoat.
They passed through the park gates, and her
spirits rose. Above them the Castle Rock looked grandly in the night, the naked
trees stood still and dark in the frost, along the boulevard.
They were rather late. Agitated with anticipation,
in the cloak-room she gave up her shawl, donned her silk shoes, and looked at
herself in the mirror. The loose bunches of curls on either side her face
danced prettily, her mouth smiled.
She hung a moment in the door of the brilliantly
lighted room. Many people were moving within the blaze of lamps, under the
crystal chandeliers, the full skirts of the women balancing and floating, the
side-whiskers and white cravats of the men bowing above. Then she entered the
light.
In an instant Sam Adams was coming forward,
lifting both his arms in boisterous welcome. There was a constant red laugh on
his face.
"Come late, would you," he shouted,
"like royalty."
He seized her hands and led her forward. He
opened his mouth wide when he spoke, and the effect of the warm, dark opening
behind the brown whiskers was disturbing. But she was floating into the throng
on his arm. He was very gallant.
"Now then," he said, taking her card
to write down the dances, "I've got carte blanche, haven't I?"
"Mr Whiston doesn't dance," she said.
"I am a lucky man!" he said,
scribbling his initials. "I was born with an amourette in
my mouth."
He wrote on, quietly. She blushed and laughed,
not knowing what it meant.
"Why, what is that?" she said.
"It's you, even littler than you are,
dressed in little wings," he said.
"I should have to be pretty small to get in
your mouth," she said.
"You think you're too big, do you!" he
said easily.
He handed her her card, with a bow.
"Now I'm set up, my darling, for this
evening," he said.
Then, quick, always at his ease, he looked over
the room. She waited in front of him. He was ready. Catching the eye of the
band, he nodded. In a moment, the music began. He seemed to relax, giving
himself up.
"Now then, Elsie," he said, with a
curious caress in his voice that seemed to lap the outside of her body in a
warm glow, delicious. She gave herself to it. She liked it.
He was an excellent dancer. He seemed to draw
her close in to him by some male warmth of attraction, so that she became all
soft and pliant to him, flowing to his form, whilst he united her with him and
they lapsed along in one movement. She was just carried in a kind of strong,
warm flood, her feet moved of themselves, and only the music threw her away
from him, threw her back to him, to his clasp, in his strong form moving
against her, rhythmically, deliriously.
When it was over, he was pleased and his eyes
had a curious gleam which thrilled her and yet had nothing to do with her. Yet
it held her. He did not speak to her. He only looked straight into her eyes
with a curious, gleaming look that disturbed her fearfully and deliriously. But
also there was in his look some of the automatic irony of the roué. It
left her partly cold. She was not carried away.
She went, driven by an opposite, heavier
impulse, to Whiston. He stood looking gloomy, trying to admit that she had a
perfect right to enjoy herself apart from him. He received her with rather
grudging kindliness.
"Aren't you going to play whist?" she
asked.
"Aye," he said. "Directly."
"I do wish you could dance."
"Well, I can't," he said. "So you
enjoy yourself."
"But I should enjoy it better if I could
dance with you."
"Nay, you're all right," he said.
"I'm not made that way."
"Then you ought to be!" she cried.
"Well, it's my fault, not yours. You enjoy
yourself," he bade her. Which she proceeded to do, a little bit irked.
She went with anticipation to the arms of Sam
Adams, when the time came to dance with him. It was so
gratifying, irrespective of the man. And she felt a little grudge against
Whiston, soon forgotten when her host was holding her near to him, in a
delicious embrace. And she watched his eyes, to meet the gleam in them, which
gratified her.
She was getting warmed right through, the glow
was penetrating into her, driving away everything else. Only in her heart was a
little tightness, like conscience.
When she got a chance, she escaped from the
dancing-room to the card-room. There, in a cloud of smoke, she found Whiston
playing cribbage. Radiant, roused, animated, she came up to him and greeted
him. She was too strong, too vibrant a note in the quiet room. He lifted his
head, and a frown knitted his gloomy forehead.
"Are you playing cribbage? Is it exciting?
How are you getting on?" she chattered.
He looked at her. None of these questions needed
answering, and he did not feel in touch with her. She turned to the
cribbage-board.
"Are you white or red?" she asked.
"He's red," replied the partner.
"Then you're losing," she said, still
to Whiston. And she lifted the red peg from the board.
"One--two--three--four--five--six--seven--eight--Right up there you ought
to jump--"
"Now put it back in its right place,"
said Whiston.
"Where was it?" she asked gaily,
knowing her transgression. He took the little red peg away from her and stuck
it in its hole.
The cards were shuffled.
"What a shame you're losing!" said
Elsie.
"You'd better cut for him," said the
partner.
She did so, hastily. The cards were dealt. She
put her hand on his shoulder, looking at his cards.
"It's good," she cried, "isn't it?"
He did not answer, but threw down two cards. It
moved him more strongly than was comfortable, to have her hand on his shoulder,
her curls dangling and touching his ears, whilst she was roused to another man.
It made the blood flame over him.
At that moment Sam Adams appeared, florid and
boisterous, intoxicated more with himself, with the dancing, than with wine. In
his eyes the curious, impersonal light gleamed.
"I thought I should find you here,
Elsie," he cried boisterously, a disturbing, high note in his voice.
"What made you think so?" she replied,
the mischief rousing in her.
The florid, well-built man narrowed his eyes to
a smile.
"I should never look for you among the
ladies," he said, with a kind of intimate, animal call to her. He laughed,
bowed, and offered her his arm.
"Madam, the music waits."
She went almost helplessly, carried along with
him, unwilling, yet delighted.
That dance was an intoxication to her. After the
first few steps, she felt herself slipping away from herself. She almost knew
she was going, she did not even want to go. Yet she must have chosen to go. She
lay in the arm of the steady, close man with whom she was dancing, and she
seemed to swim away out of contact with the room, into him. She had passed into
another, denser element of him, an essential privacy. The room was all vague
around her, like an atmosphere, like under sea, with a flow of ghostly, dumb
movements. But she herself was held real against her partner, and it seemed she
was connected with him, as if the movements of his body and limbs were her own
movements, yet not her own movements--and oh, delicious! He also was given up,
oblivious, concentrated, into the dance. His eye was unseeing. Only his large,
voluptuous body gave off a subtle activity. His fingers seemed to search into
her flesh. Every moment, and every moment, she felt she would give way utterly,
and sink molten: the fusion point was coming when she would fuse down into
perfect unconsciousness at his feet and knees. But he bore her round the room
in the dance, and he seemed to sustain all her body with his limbs, his body,
and his warmth seemed to come closer into her, nearer, till it would fuse right
through her, and she would be as liquid to him, as an intoxication only.
It was exquisite. When it was over, she was
dazed, and was scarcely breathing. She stood with him in the middle of the room
as if she were alone in a remote place. He bent over her. She expected his lips
on her bare shoulder, and waited. Yet they were not alone, they were not alone.
It was cruel.
"'Twas good, wasn't it, my darling?"
he said to her, low and delighted. There was a strange impersonality about his
low, exultant call that appealed to her irresistibly. Yet why was she aware of
some part shut off in her? She pressed his arm, and he led her towards the
door.
She was not aware of what she was doing, only a
little grain of resistant trouble was in her. The man, possessed, yet with a
superficial presence of mind, made way to the dining-room, as if to give her
refreshment, cunningly working to his own escape with her. He was molten hot,
filmed over with presence of mind, and bottomed with cold disbelief.
In the dining-room was Whiston, carrying coffee
to the plain, neglected ladies. Elsie saw him, but felt as if he could not see
her. She was beyond his reach and ken. A sort of fusion existed between her and
the large man at her side. She ate her custard, but an incomplete fusion all
the while sustained and contained her within the being of her employer.
But she was growing cooler. Whiston came up. She
looked at him, and saw him with different eyes. She saw his slim, young man's
figure real and enduring before her. That was he. But she was in the spell with
the other man, fused with him, and she could not be taken away.
"Have you finished your cribbage?" she
asked, with hasty evasion of him.
"Yes," he replied. "Aren't you
getting tired of dancing?"
"Not a bit," she said.
"Not she," said Adams heartily.
"No girl with any spirit gets tired of dancing.--Have something else,
Elsie. Come--sherry. Have a glass of sherry with us, Whiston."
Whilst they sipped the wine, Adams watched
Whiston almost cunningly, to find his advantage.
"We'd better be getting back--there's the
music," he said. "See the women get something to eat, Whiston, will
you, there's a good chap."
And he began to draw away. Elsie was drifting
helplessly with him. But Whiston put himself beside them, and went along with
them. In silence they passed through to the dancing-room. There Adams
hesitated, and looked round the room. It was as if he could not see.
A man came hurrying forward, claiming Elsie, and
Adams went to his other partner. Whiston stood watching during the dance. She
was conscious of him standing there observant of her, like a ghost, or a
judgment, or a guardian angel. She was also conscious, much more intimately and
impersonally, of the body of the other man moving somewhere in the room. She
still belonged to him, but a feeling of distraction possessed her, and
helplessness. Adams danced on, adhering to Elsie, waiting his time, with the
persistence of cynicism.
The dance was over. Adams was detained. Elsie
found herself beside Whiston. There was something shapely about him as he sat,
about his knees and his distinct figure, that she clung to. It was as if he had
enduring form. She put her hand on his knee.
"Are you enjoying yourself?" he asked.
"Ever so," she replied,
with a fervent, yet detached tone.
"It's going on for one o'clock," he
said.
"Is it?" she answered. It meant
nothing to her.
"Should we be going?" he said.
She was silent. For the first time for an hour
or more an inkling of her normal consciousness returned. She resented it.
"What for?" she said.
"I thought you might have had enough,"
he said.
A slight soberness came over her, an irritation
at being frustrated of her illusion.
"Why?" she said.
"We've been here since nine," he said.
That was no answer, no reason. It conveyed
nothing to her. She sat detached from him. Across the room Sam Adams glanced at
her. She sat there exposed for him.
"You don't want to be too free with Sam
Adams," said Whiston cautiously, suffering. "You know what he
is."
"How, free?" she asked.
"Why--you don't want to have too much to do
with him."
She sat silent. He was forcing her into
consciousness of her position. But he could not get hold of her feelings, to
change them. She had a curious, perverse desire that he should not.
"I like him," she said.
"What do you find to like in him?" he
said, with a hot heart.
"I don't know--but I like him," she
said.
She was immutable. He sat feeling heavy and
dulled with rage. He was not clear as to what he felt. He sat there unliving
whilst she danced. And she, distracted, lost to herself between the opposing
forces of the two men, drifted. Between the dances, Whiston kept near to her.
She was scarcely conscious. She glanced repeatedly at her card, to see when she
would dance again with Adams, half in desire, half in dread. Sometimes she met
his steady, glaucous eye as she passed him in the dance. Sometimes she saw the
steadiness of his flank as he danced. And it was always as if she rested on his
arm, were borne along, upborne by him, away from herself. And always there was
present the other's antagonism. She was divided.
The time came for her to dance with Adams. Oh,
the delicious closing of contact with him, of his limbs touching her limbs, his
arm supporting her. She seemed to resolve. Whiston had not made himself real to
her. He was only a heavy place in her consciousness.
But she breathed heavily, beginning to suffer
from the closeness of strain. She was nervous. Adams also was constrained. A
tightness, a tension was coming over them all. And he was exasperated, feeling
something counteracting physical magnetism, feeling a will stronger with her
than his own, intervening in what was becoming a vital necessity to him.
Elsie was almost lost to her own control. As she
went forward with him to take her place at the dance, she stooped for her
pocket-handkerchief. The music sounded for quadrilles. Everybody was ready.
Adams stood with his body near her, exerting his attraction over her. He was
tense and fighting. She stooped for her pocket-handkerchief, and shook it as
she rose. It shook out and fell from her hand. With agony, she saw she had
taken a white stocking instead of a handkerchief. For a second it lay on the
floor, a twist of white stocking. Then, in an instant, Adams picked it up, with
a little, surprised laugh of triumph.
"That'll do for me," he
whispered--seeming to take possession of her. And he stuffed the stocking in
his trousers pocket, and quickly offered her his handkerchief.
The dance began. She felt weak and faint, as if
her will were turned to water. A heavy sense of loss came over her. She could
not help herself anymore. But it was peace.
When the dance was over, Adams yielded her up.
Whiston came to her.
"What was it as you dropped?" Whiston
asked.
"I thought it was my handkerchief--I'd
taken a stocking by mistake," she said, detached and muted.
"And he's got it?"
"Yes."
"What does he mean by that?"
She lifted her shoulders.
"Are you going to let him keep it?" he
asked.
"I don't let him."
There was a long pause.
"Am I to go and have it out with him?"
he asked, his face flushed, his blue eyes going hard with opposition.
"No," she said, pale.
"Why?"
"No--I don't want to say anything about
it."
He sat exasperated and nonplussed.
"You'll let him keep it, then?" he
asked.
She sat silent and made no form of answer.
"What do you mean by it?" he said,
dark with fury. And he started up.
"No!" she cried. "Ted!" And
she caught hold of him, sharply detaining him.
It made him black with rage.
"Why?" he said.
Then something about her mouth was pitiful to
him. He did not understand, but he felt she must have her reasons.
"Then I'm not stopping here," he said.
"Are you coming with me?"
She rose mutely, and they went out of the room.
Adams had not noticed.
In a few moments they were in the street.
"What the hell do you mean?" he said,
in a black fury.
She went at his side, in silence, neutral.
"That great hog, an' all," he added.
Then they went a long time in silence through
the frozen, deserted darkness of the town. She felt she could not go indoors.
They were drawing near her house.
"I don't want to go home," she
suddenly cried in distress and anguish. "I don't want to go home."
He looked at her.
"Why don't you?" he said.
"I don't want to go home," was all she
could sob.
He heard somebody coming.
"Well, we can walk a bit further," he
said.
She was silent again. They passed out of the
town into the fields. He held her by the arm--they could not speak.
"What's a-matter?" he asked at length,
puzzled.
She began to cry again.
At last he took her in his arms, to soothe her.
She sobbed by herself, almost unaware of him.
"Tell me what's a-matter, Elsie," he
said. "Tell me what's a-matter--my dear--tell me, then--"
He kissed her wet face, and caressed her. She
made no response. He was puzzled and tender and miserable.
At length she became quiet. Then he kissed her,
and she put her arms round him, and clung to him very tight, as if for fear and
anguish. He held her in his arms, wondering.
"Ted!" she whispered, frantic.
"Ted!"
"What, my love?" he answered, becoming
also afraid.
"Be good to me," she cried.
"Don't be cruel to me."
"No, my pet," he said, amazed and
grieved. "Why?"
"Oh, be good to me," she sobbed.
And he held her very safe, and his heart was
white-hot with love for her. His mind was amazed. He could only hold her
against his chest that was white-hot with love and belief in her. So she was
restored at last.
III
She refused to go to her work at Adams's any
more. Her father had to submit and she sent in her notice--she was not well.
Sam Adams was ironical. But he had a curious patience. He did not fight.
In a few weeks, she and Whiston were married.
She loved him with passion and worship, a fierce little abandon of love that
moved him to the depths of his being, and gave him a permanent surety and sense
of realness in himself. He did not trouble about himself any more: he felt he
was fulfilled and now he had only the many things in the world to busy himself
about. Whatever troubled him, at the bottom was surety. He had found himself in
this love.
They spoke once or twice of the white stocking.
"Ah!" Whiston exclaimed. "What
does it matter?"
He was impatient and angry, and could not bear
to consider the matter. So it was left unresolved.
She was quite happy at first, carried away by
her adoration of her husband. Then gradually she got used to him. He always was
the ground of her happiness, but she got used to him, as to the air she
breathed. He never got used to her in the same way.
Inside of marriage she found her liberty. She
was rid of the responsibility of herself. Her husband must look after that. She
was free to get what she could out of her time.
So that, when, after some months, she met Sam
Adams, she was not quite as unkind to him as she might have been. With a young
wife's new and exciting knowledge of men, she perceived he was in love with
her, she knew he had always kept an unsatisfied desire for her. And, sportive,
she could not help playing a little with this, though she cared not one jot for
the man himself.
When Valentine's day came, which was near the
first anniversary of her wedding day, there arrived a white stocking with a
little amethyst brooch. Luckily Whiston did not see it, so she said nothing of
it to him. She had not the faintest intention of having anything to do with Sam
Adams, but once a little brooch was in her possession, it was hers, and she did
not trouble her head for a moment how she had come by it. She kept it.
Now she had the pearl ear-rings. They were a
more valuable and a more conspicuous present. She would have to ask her mother
to give them to her, to explain their presence. She made a little plan in her
head. And she was extraordinarily pleased. As for Sam Adams, even if he saw her
wearing them, he would not give her away. What fun, if he saw her wearing his
ear-rings! She would pretend she had inherited them from her grandmother, her
mother's mother. She laughed to herself as she went down town in the afternoon,
the pretty drops dangling in front of her curls. But she saw no one of
importance.
Whiston came home tired and depressed. All day
the male in him had been uneasy, and this had fatigued him. She was curiously
against him, inclined, as she sometimes was nowadays, to make mock of him and
jeer at him and cut him off. He did not understand this, and it angered him
deeply. She was uneasy before him.
She knew he was in a state of suppressed
irritation. The veins stood out on the backs of his hands, his brow was drawn
stiffly. Yet she could not help goading him.
"What did you do wi' that white
stocking?" he asked, out of a gloomy silence, his voice strong and brutal.
"I put it in a drawer--why?" she
replied flippantly.
"Why didn't you put it on the fire
back?" he said harshly. "What are you hoarding it up for?"
"I'm not hoarding it up," she said.
"I've got a pair."
He relapsed into gloomy silence. She, unable to
move him, ran away upstairs, leaving him smoking by the fire. Again she tried
on the earrings. Then another little inspiration came to her. She drew on the
white stockings, both of them.
Presently she came down in them. Her husband
still sat immovable and glowering by the fire.
"Look!" she said. "They'll do
beautifully."
And she picked up her skirts to her knees, and
twisted round, looking at her pretty legs in the neat stockings.
He filled with unreasonable rage, and took the
pipe from his mouth.
"Don't they look nice?" she said.
"One from last year and one from this, they just do. Save you buying a
pair."
And she looked over her shoulders at her pretty
calves, and the dangling frills of her knickers.
"Put your skirts down and don't make a fool
of yourself," he said.
"Why a fool of myself?" she asked.
And she began to dance slowly round the room,
kicking up her feet half reckless, half jeering, in a ballet-dancer's fashion.
Almost fearfully, yet in defiance, she kicked up her legs at him, singing as
she did so. She resented him.
"You little fool, ha' done with it,"
he said. "And you'll backfire them stockings, I'm telling you." He
was angry. His face flushed dark, he kept his head bent. She ceased to dance.
"I shan't," she said. "They'll
come in very useful."
He lifted his head and watched her, with
lighted, dangerous eyes.
"You'll put 'em on the fire back, I tell
you," he said.
It was a war now. She bent forward, in a
ballet-dancer's fashion, and put her tongue between her teeth.
"I shan't backfire them stockings,"
she sang, repeating his words, "I shan't, I shan't, I shan't."
And she danced round the room doing a high kick
to the tune of her words. There was a real biting indifference in her
behaviour.
"We'll see whether you will or not,"
he said, "trollops! You'd like Sam Adams to know you was wearing 'em,
wouldn't you? That's what would please you."
"Yes, I'd like him to see how nicely they
fit me, he might give me some more then."
And she looked down at her pretty legs.
He knew somehow that she would like
Sam Adams to see how pretty her legs looked in the white stockings. It made his
anger go deep, almost to hatred.
"Yer nasty trolley," he cried.
"Put yer petticoats down, and stop being so foul-minded."
"I'm not foul-minded," she said.
"My legs are my own. And why shouldn't Sam Adams think they're nice?"
There was a pause. He watched her with eyes
glittering to a point.
"Have you been havin' owt to do with
him?" he asked.
"I've just spoken to him when I've seen
him," she said. "He's not as bad as you would make out."
"Isn't he?" he cried, a certain
wakefulness in his voice. "Them who has anything to do wi' him is too bad
for me, I tell you."
"Why, what are you frightened of him
for?" she mocked.
She was rousing all his uncontrollable anger. He
sat glowering. Every one of her sentences stirred him up like a red-hot iron.
Soon it would be too much. And she was afraid herself; but she was neither
conquered nor convinced.
A curious little grin of hate came on his face.
He had a long score against her.
"What am I frightened of him for?" he
repeated automatically. "What am I frightened of him for? Why, for you,
you stray-running little bitch."
She flushed. The insult went deep into her,
right home.
"Well, if you're so dull--" she said,
lowering her eyelids, and speaking coldly, haughtily.
"If I'm so dull I'll break your neck the
first word you speak to him," he said, tense.
"Pf!" she sneered. "Do you think
I'm frightened of you?" She spoke coldly, detached.
She was frightened, for all that, white round
the mouth.
His heart was getting hotter.
"You will be frightened of
me, the next time you have anything to do with him," he said.
"Do you think you'd ever
be told--ha!"
Her jeering scorn made him go white-hot, molten.
He knew he was incoherent, scarcely responsible for what he might do. Slowly,
unseeing, he rose and went out of doors, stifled, moved to kill her.
He stood leaning against the garden fence,
unable either to see or hear. Below him, far off, fumed the lights of the town.
He stood still, unconscious with a black storm of rage, his face lifted to the
night.
Presently, still unconscious of what he was
doing, he went indoors again. She stood, a small stubborn figure with
tight-pressed lips and big, sullen, childish eyes, watching him, white with
fear. He went heavily across the floor and dropped into his chair.
There was a silence.
"You're not going to tell me
everything I shall do, and everything I shan't," she broke out at last.
He lifted his head.
"I tell you this," he
said, low and intense. "Have anything to do with Sam Adams, and I'll break
your neck."
She laughed, shrill and false.
"How I hate your word 'break your
neck'," she said, with a grimace of the mouth. "It sounds so common
and beastly. Can't you say something else--"
There was a dead silence.
"And besides," she said, with a queer
chirrup of mocking laughter, "what do you know about anything? He sent me
an amethyst brooch and a pair of pearl ear-rings."
"He what?" said Whiston, in a suddenly
normal voice. His eyes were fixed on her.
"Sent me a pair of pearl ear-rings, and an
amethyst brooch," she repeated, mechanically, pale to the lips.
And her big, black, childish eyes watched him,
fascinated, held in her spell.
He seemed to thrust his face and his eyes
forward at her, as he rose slowly and came to her. She watched transfixed in
terror. Her throat made a small sound, as she tried to scream.
Then, quick as lightning, the back of his hand
struck her with a crash across the mouth, and she was flung back blinded
against the wall. The shock shook a queer sound out of her. And then she saw
him still coming on, his eyes holding her, his fist drawn back, advancing
slowly. At any instant the blow might crash into her.
Mad with terror, she raised her hands with a
queer clawing movement to cover her eyes and her temples, opening her mouth in
a dumb shriek. There was no sound. But the sight of her slowly arrested him. He
hung before her, looking at her fixedly, as she stood crouched against the wall
with open, bleeding mouth, and wide-staring eyes, and two hands clawing over
her temples. And his lust to see her bleed, to break her and destroy her, rose
from an old source against her. It carried him. He wanted satisfaction.
But he had seen her standing there, a piteous,
horrified thing, and he turned his face aside in shame and nausea. He went and
sat heavily in his chair, and a curious ease, almost like sleep, came over his
brain.
She walked away from the wall towards the fire,
dizzy, white to the lips, mechanically wiping her small, bleeding mouth. He sat
motionless. Then, gradually, her breath began to hiss, she shook, and was
sobbing silently, in grief for herself. Without looking, he saw. It made his
mad desire to destroy her come back.
At length he lifted his head. His eyes were
glowing again, fixed on her.
"And what did he give them you for?"
he asked, in a steady, unyielding voice.
Her crying dried up in a second. She also was tense.
"They came as valentines," she
replied, still not subjugated, even if beaten.
"When, to-day?"
"The pearl ear-rings to-day--the amethyst
brooch last year."
"You've had it a year?"
"Yes."
She felt that now nothing would prevent him if
he rose to kill her. She could not prevent him any more. She was yielded up to
him. They both trembled in the balance, unconscious.
"What have you had to do with him?" he
asked, in a barren voice.
"I've not had anything to do with
him," she quavered.
"You just kept 'em because they were
jewellery?" he said.
A weariness came over him. What was the worth of
speaking any more of it? He did not care any more. He was dreary and sick.
She began to cry again, but he took no notice.
She kept wiping her mouth on her handkerchief. He could see it, the blood-mark.
It made him only more sick and tired of the responsibility of it, the violence,
the shame.
When she began to move about again, he raised
his head once more from his dead, motionless position.
"Where are the things?" he said.
"They are upstairs," she quavered. She
knew the passion had gone down in him.
"Bring them down," he said.
"I won't," she wept, with rage.
"You're not going to bully me and hit me like that on the mouth."
And she sobbed again. He looked at her in
contempt and compassion and in rising anger.
"Where are they?" he said.
"They're in the little drawer under the
looking-glass," she sobbed.
He went slowly upstairs, struck a match, and
found the trinkets. He brought them downstairs in his hand.
"These?" he said, looking at them as
they lay in his palm.
She looked at them without answering. She was
not interested in them any more.
He looked at the little jewels. They were
pretty.
"It's none of their fault," he said to
himself.
And he searched round slowly, persistently, for
a box. He tied the things up and addressed them to Sam Adams. Then he went out
in his slippers to post the little package.
When he came back she was still sitting crying.
"You'd better go to bed," he said.
She paid no attention. He sat by the fire. She
still cried.
"I'm sleeping down here," he said.
"Go you to bed."
In a few moments she lifted her tear-stained,
swollen face and looked at him with eyes all forlorn and pathetic. A great
flash of anguish went over his body. He went over, slowly, and very gently took
her in his hands. She let herself be taken. Then as she lay against his
shoulder, she sobbed aloud:
"I never meant--"
"My love--my little love--" he cried,
in anguish of spirit, holding her in his arms.
She was too good for him, everybody said. Yet
still she did not regret marrying him. He had come courting her when he was
only nineteen, and she twenty. He was in build what they call a tight little
fellow; short, dark, with a warm colour, and that upright set of the head and
chest, that flaunting way in movement recalling a mating bird, which denotes a
body taut and compact with life. Being a good worker he had earned decent money
in the mine, and having a good home had saved a little.
She was a cook at "Uplands", a tall, fair
girl, very quiet. Having seen her walk down the street, Horsepool had followed
her from a distance. He was taken with her, he did not drink, and he was not
lazy. So, although he seemed a bit simple, without much intelligence, but
having a sort of physical brightness, she considered, and accepted him.
When they were married they went to live in
Scargill Street, in a highly respectable six-roomed house which they had
furnished between them. The street was built up the side of a long, steep hill.
It was narrow and rather tunnel-like. Nevertheless, the back looked out over
the adjoining pasture, across a wide valley of fields and woods, in the bottom
of which the mine lay snugly.
He made himself gaffer in his own house. She was
unacquainted with a collier's mode of life. They were married on a Saturday. On
the Sunday night he said:
"Set th' table for my breakfast, an' put my
pit-things afront o' th' fire. I s'll be gettin' up at ha'ef pas' five. Tha
nedna shift thysen not till when ter likes."
He showed her how to put a newspaper on the
table for a cloth. When she demurred:
"I want none o' your white cloths i' th'
mornin'. I like ter be able to slobber if I feel like it," he said.
He put before the fire his moleskin trousers, a
clean singlet, or sleeveless vest of thick flannel, a pair of stockings and his
pit boots, arranging them all to be warm and ready for morning.
"Now tha sees. That wants doin' ivery
night."
Punctually at half past five he left her,
without any form of leave-taking, going downstairs in his shirt.
When he arrived home at four o'clock in the
afternoon his dinner was ready to be dished up. She was startled when he came
in, a short, sturdy figure, with a face indescribably black and streaked. She
stood before the fire in her white blouse and white apron, a fair girl, the
picture of beautiful cleanliness. He "clommaxed" in, in his heavy
boots.
"Well, how 'as ter gone on?" he asked.
"I was ready for you to come home,"
she replied tenderly. In his black face the whites of his brown eyes flashed at
her.
"An' I wor ready for comin'," he said.
He planked his tin bottle and snap-bag on the dresser, took off his coat and
scarf and waistcoat, dragged his arm-chair nearer the fire and sat down.
"Let's ha'e a bit o' dinner, then--I'm
about clammed," he said.
"Aren't you goin' to wash yourself
first?"
"What am I to wesh mysen for?"
"Well, you can't eat your dinner--"
"Oh, strike a daisy, Missis! Dunna I eat my
snap i' th' pit wi'out weshin'?--forced to."
She served the dinner and sat opposite him. His
small bullet head was quite black, save for the whites of his eyes and his
scarlet lips. It gave her a queer sensation to see him open his red mouth and
bare his white teeth as he ate. His arms and hands were mottled black; his
bare, strong neck got a little fairer as it settled towards his shoulders,
reassuring her. There was the faint indescribable odour of the pit in the room,
an odour of damp, exhausted air.
"Why is your vest so black on the
shoulders?" she asked.
"My singlet? That's wi' th' watter droppin'
on us from th' roof. This is a dry un as I put on afore I come up. They ha'e
gre't clothes-'osses, and' as we change us things, we put 'em on theer ter
dry."
When he washed himself, kneeling on the
hearth-rug stripped to the waist, she felt afraid of him again. He was so
muscular, he seemed so intent on what he was doing, so intensely himself, like
a vigorous animal. And as he stood wiping himself, with his naked breast
towards her, she felt rather sick, seeing his thick arms bulge their muscles.
They were nevertheless very happy. He was at a
great pitch of pride because of her. The men in the pit might chaff him, they
might try to entice him away, but nothing could reduce his self-assured pride
because of her, nothing could unsettle his almost infantile satisfaction. In
the evening he sat in his armchair chattering to her, or listening as she read
the newspaper to him. When it was fine, he would go into the street, squat on
his heels as colliers do, with his back against the wall of his parlour, and
call to the passers-by, in greeting, one after another. If no one were passing,
he was content just to squat and smoke, having such a fund of sufficiency and
satisfaction in his heart. He was well married.
They had not been wed a year when all Brent and
Wellwood's men came out on strike. Willy was in the Union, so with a pinch they
scrambled through. The furniture was not all paid for, and other debts were
incurred. She worried and contrived, he left it to her. But he was a good
husband; he gave her all he had.
The men were out fifteen weeks. They had been
back just over a year when Willy had an accident in the mine, tearing his
bladder. At the pit head the doctor talked of the hospital. Losing his head
entirely, the young collier raved like a madman, what with pain and fear of
hospital.
"Tha s'lt go whoam, Willy, tha s'lt go
whoam," the deputy said.
A lad warned the wife to have the bed ready.
Without speaking or hesitating she prepared. But when the ambulance came, and
she heard him shout with pain at being moved, she was afraid lest she should
sink down. They carried him in.
"Yo' should 'a' had a bed i' th' parlour,
Missis," said the deputy, "then we shouldn'a ha' had to hawkse 'im
upstairs, an' it 'ud 'a' saved your legs."
But it was too late now. They got him upstairs.
"They let me lie, Lucy," he was
crying, "they let me lie two mortal hours on th' sleck afore they took me
outer th' stall. Th' peen, Lucy, th' peen; oh, Lucy, th' peen, th' peen!"
"I know th' pain's bad, Willy, I know. But
you must try an' bear it a bit."
"Tha manna carry on in that form, lad, thy
missis'll niver be able ter stan' it," said the deputy.
"I canna 'elp it, it's th' peen, it's th'
peen," he cried again. He had never been ill in his life. When he had
smashed a finger he could look at the wound. But this pain came from inside,
and terrified him. At last he was soothed and exhausted.
It was some time before she could undress him
and wash him. He would let no other woman do for him, having that savage
modesty usual in such men.
For six weeks he was in bed, suffering much
pain. The doctors were not quite sure what was the matter with him, and
scarcely knew what to do. He could eat, he did not lose flesh, nor strength,
yet the pain continued, and he could hardly walk at all.
In the sixth week the men came out in the
national strike. He would get up quite early in the morning and sit by the
window. On Wednesday, the second week of the strike, he sat gazing out on the
street as usual, a bullet-headed young man, still vigorous-looking, but with a peculiar
expression of hunted fear in his face.
"Lucy," he called, "Lucy!"
She, pale and worn, ran upstairs at his bidding.
"Gi'e me a han'kercher," he said.
"Why, you've got one," she replied,
coming near.
"Tha nedna touch me," he cried.
Feeling his pocket, he produced a white handkerchief.
"I non want a white un, gi'e me a red
un," he said.
"An' if anybody comes to see you," she
answered, giving him a red handkerchief.
"Besides," she continued, "you
needn't ha' brought me upstairs for that."
"I b'lieve th' peen's commin' on
again," he said, with a little horror in his voice.
"It isn't, you know, it isn't," she
replied. "The doctor says you imagine it's there when it isn't."
"Canna I feel what's inside me?" he
shouted.
"There's a traction-engine coming downhill,"
she said. "That'll scatter them. I'll just go an' finish your
pudding."
She left him. The traction-engine went by,
shaking the houses. Then the street was quiet, save for the men. A gang of
youths from fifteen to twenty-five years old were playing marbles in the middle
of the road. Other little groups of men were playing on the pavement. The
street was gloomy. Willy could hear the endless calling and shouting of men's
voices.
"Tha'rt skinchin'!"
"I arena!"
"Come 'ere with that blood-alley."
"Swop us four for't."
"Shonna, gie's hold on't."
He wanted to be out, he wanted to be playing
marbles. The pain had weakened his mind, so that he hardly knew any
self-control.
Presently another gang of men lounged up the
street. It was pay morning. The Union was paying the men in the Primitive
Chapel. They were returning with their half-sovereigns.
"Sorry!" bawled a voice.
"Sorry!"
The word is a form of address, corruption
probably of 'Sirrah'. Willy started almost out of his chair.
"Sorry!" again bawled a great voice.
"Art goin' wi' me to see Notts play Villa?"
Many of the marble players started up.
"What time is it? There's no treens, we
s'll ha'e ter walk."
The street was alive with men.
"Who's goin' ter Nottingham ter see th'
match?" shouted the same big voice. A very large, tipsy man, with his cap
over his eyes, was calling.
"Com' on--aye, com' on!" came many
voices. The street was full of the shouting of men. They split up in excited
cliques and groups.
"Play up, Notts!" the big man shouted.
"Plee up, Notts!" shouted the youths
and men. They were at kindling pitch. It only needed a shout to rouse them. Of
this the careful authorities were aware.
"I'm goin', I'm goin'!" shouted the
sick man at his window.
Lucy came running upstairs.
"I'm goin' ter see Notts play Villa on th'
Meadows ground," he declared.
"You--you can't go. There are
no trains. You can't walk nine miles."
"I'm goin' ter see th' match," he
declared, rising.
"You know you can't. Sit down now an' be
quiet."
She put her hand on him. He shook it off.
"Leave me alone, leave me alone. It's thee
as ma'es th' peen come, it's thee. I'm goin' ter Nottingham to see th' football
match."
"Sit down--folks'll hear you, and what will
they think?"
"Come off'n me. Com' off. It's her, it's
her as does it. Com' off."
He seized hold of her. His little head was
bristling with madness, and he was strong as a lion.
"Oh, Willy!" she cried.
"It's 'er, it's 'er. Kill her!" he
shouted, "kill her."
"Willy, folks'll hear you."
"Th' peen's commin' on again, I tell yer.
I'll kill her for it."
He was completely out of his mind. She struggled
with him to prevent his going to the stairs. When she escaped from him, he was
shouting and raving, she beckoned to her neighbour, a girl of twenty-four, who
was cleaning the window across the road.
Ethel Mellor was the daughter of a well-to-do
check-weighman. She ran across in fear to Mrs Horsepool. Hearing the man
raving, people were running out in the street and listening. Ethel hurried
upstairs. Everything was clean and pretty in the young home.
Willy was staggering round the room, after the
slowly retreating Lucy, shouting:
"Kill her! Kill her!"
"Mr Horsepool!" cried Ethel, leaning
against the bed, white as the sheets, and trembling. "Whatever are you
saying?"
"I tell yer it's 'er fault as th' peen
comes on--I tell yer it is! Kill 'er--kill 'er!"
"Kill Mrs Horsepool!" cried the
trembling girl. "Why, you're ever so fond of her, you know you are."
"The peen--I ha'e such a lot o' peen--I
want to kill 'er."
He was subsiding. When he sat down his wife collapsed
in a chair, weeping noiselessly. The tears ran down Ethel's face. He sat
staring out of the window; then the old, hurt look came on his face.
"What 'ave I been sayin'?" he asked,
looking piteously at his wife.
"Why!" said Ethel, "you've been
carrying on something awful, saying, 'Kill her, kill her!'"
"Have I, Lucy?" he faltered.
"You didn't know what you was saying,"
said his young wife gently but coldly.
His face puckered up. He bit his lip, then broke
into tears, sobbing uncontrollably, with his face to the window.
There was no sound in the room but of three
people crying bitterly, breath caught in sobs. Suddenly Lucy put away her tears
and went over to him.
"You didn't know what you was sayin',
Willy, I know you didn't. I knew you didn't, all the time. It doesn't matter,
Willy. Only don't do it again."
In a little while, when they were calmer, she
went downstairs with Ethel.
"See if anybody is looking in the
street," she said.
Ethel went into the parlour and peeped through
the curtains.
"Aye!" she said. "You may back
your life Lena an' Mrs Severn'll be out gorping, and that clat-fartin' Mrs
Allsop."
"Oh, I hope they haven't heard anything! If
it gets about as he's out of his mind, they'll stop his compensation, I know
they will."
"They'd never stop his compensation
for that," protested Ethel.
"Well, they have been
stopping some--"
"It'll not get about. I s'll tell
nobody."
"Oh, but if it does, whatever shall we do?
. . ."
The mistress of the British School stepped down
from her school gate, and instead of turning to the left as usual, she turned
to the right. Two women who were hastening home to scramble their husbands'
dinners together--it was five minutes to four--stopped to look at her. They
stood gazing after her for a moment; then they glanced at each other with a
woman's little grimace.
To be sure, the retreating figure was
ridiculous: small and thin, with a black straw hat, and a rusty cashmere dress
hanging full all round the skirt. For so small and frail and rusty a creature
to sail with slow, deliberate stride was also absurd. Hilda Rowbotham was less
than thirty, so it was not years that set the measure of her pace; she had
heart disease. Keeping her face, that was small with sickness, but not
uncomely, firmly lifted and fronting ahead, the young woman sailed on past the
market-place, like a black swan of mournful, disreputable plumage.
She turned into Berryman's, the baker's. The
shop displayed bread and cakes, sacks of flour and oatmeal, flitches of bacon,
hams, lard and sausages. The combination of scents was not unpleasing. Hilda
Rowbotham stood for some minutes nervously tapping and pushing a large knife
that lay on the counter, and looking at the tall, glittering brass scales. At
last a morose man with sandy whiskers came down the step from the house-place.
"What is it?" he asked, not
apologizing for his delay.
"Will you give me six-pennyworth of
assorted cakes and pastries--and put in some macaroons, please?" she
asked, in remarkably rapid and nervous speech. Her lips fluttered like two
leaves in a wind, and her words crowded and rushed like a flock of sheep at a
gate.
"We've got no macaroons," said the man
churlishly.
He had evidently caught that word. He stood
waiting.
"Then I can't have any, Mr Berryman. Now I do
feel disappointed. I like those macaroons, you know, and it's not often I treat
myself. One gets so tired of trying to spoil oneself, don't you think? It's
less profitable even than trying to spoil somebody else." She laughed a
quick little nervous laugh, putting her hand to her face.
"Then what'll you have?" asked the
man, without the ghost of an answering smile. He evidently had not followed, so
he looked more glum than ever.
"Oh, anything you've got," replied the
schoolmistress, flushing slightly. The man moved slowly about, dropping the
cakes from various dishes one by one into a paper bag.
"How's that sister o' yours getting
on?" he asked, as if he were talking to the flour scoop.
"Whom do you mean?" snapped the
schoolmistress.
"The youngest," answered the stooping,
pale-faced man, with a note of sarcasm.
"Emma! Oh, she's very well, thank
you!" The schoolmistress was very red, but she spoke with sharp, ironical
defiance. The man grunted. Then he handed her the bag and watched her out of
the shop without bidding her "Good afternoon".
She had the whole length of the main street to
traverse, a half-mile of slow-stepping torture, with shame flushing over her
neck. But she carried her white bag with an appearance of steadfast unconcern.
When she turned into the field she seemed to droop a little. The wide valley
opened out from her, with the far woods withdrawing into twilight, and away in
the centre the great pit streaming its white smoke and chuffing as the men were
being turned up. A full, rose-coloured moon, like a flamingo flying low under
the far, dusky east, drew out of the mist. It was beautiful, and it made her
irritable sadness soften, diffuse.
Across the field, and she was at home. It was a
new, substantial cottage, built with unstinted hand, such a house as an old
miner could build himself out of his savings. In the rather small kitchen a
woman of dark, saturnine complexion sat nursing a baby in a long white gown; a
young woman of heavy, brutal cast stood at the table, cutting bread and butter.
She had a downcast, humble mien that sat unnaturally on her, and was strangely
irritating. She did not look round when her sister entered. Hilda put down the
bag of cakes and left the room, not having spoken to Emma, nor to the baby, not
to Mrs Carlin, who had come in to help for the afternoon.
Almost immediately the father entered from the
yard with a dustpan full of coals. He was a large man, but he was going to
pieces. As he passed through, he gripped the door with his free hand to steady
himself, but turning, he lurched and swayed. He began putting the coals on the
fire, piece by piece. One lump fell from his hand and smashed on the white
hearth. Emma Rowbotham looked round, and began in a rough, loud voice of anger:
"Look at you!" Then she consciously moderated her tones. "I'll
sweep it up in a minute--don't you bother; you'll only be going head first into
the fire."
Her father bent down nevertheless to clear up
the mess he had made, saying, articulating his words loosely and slavering in
his speech:
"The lousy bit of a thing, it slipped
between my fingers like a fish."
As he spoke he went tilting towards the fire.
The dark-browed woman cried out: he put his hand on the hot stove to save
himself: Emma swung round and dragged him off.
"Didn't I tell you!" she cried
roughly. "Now, have you burnt yourself?"
She held tight hold of the big man, and pushed
him into his chair.
"What's the matter?" cried a sharp
voice from the other room. The speaker appeared, a hard well-favoured woman of
twenty-eight. "Emma, don't speak like that to father." Then, in a
tone not so cold, but just as sharp: "Now, father, what have you been
doing?"
Emma withdrew to her table sullenly.
"It's nöwt," said the old man, vainly
protesting. "It's nöwt, at a'. Get on wi' what you're doin'."
"I'm afraid 'e's burnt 'is 'and," said
the black-browed woman, speaking of him with a kind of hard pity, as if he were
a cumbersome child. Bertha took the old man's hand and looked at it, making a
quick tut-tutting noise of impatience.
"Emma, get that zinc ointment--and some
white rag," she commanded sharply. The younger sister put down her loaf
with the knife in it, and went. To a sensitive observer, this obedience was
more intolerable than the most hateful discord. The dark woman bent over the
baby and made silent, gentle movements of motherliness to it. The little one
smiled and moved on her lap. It continued to move and twist.
"I believe this child's hungry," she
said. "How long is it since he had anything?"
"Just afore dinner," said Emma dully.
"Good gracious!" exclaimed Bertha.
"You needn't starve the child now you've got it. Once every two hours it
ought to be fed, as I've told you; and now it's three. Take him, poor little
mite--I'll cut the bread." She bent and looked at the bonny baby. She
could not help herself: she smiled, and pressed its cheek with her finger, and
nodded to it, making little noises. Then she turned and took the loaf from her
sister. The woman rose and gave the child to its mother. Emma bent over the
little sucking mite. She hated it when she looked at it, and saw it as a
symbol, but when she felt it, her love was like fire in her blood.
"I should think 'e canna be comin',"
said the father uneasily, looking up at the clock.
"Nonsense, father--the clock's fast! It's
but half-past four! Don't fidget!" Bertha continued to cut the bread and
butter.
"Open a tin of pears," she said to the
woman, in a much milder tone. Then she went into the next room. As soon as she
was gone, the old man said again: "I should ha'e thought he'd 'a' been
'ere by now, if he means comin'."
Emma, engrossed, did not answer. The father had
ceased to consider her, since she had become humbled.
"'E'll come--'e'll come!" assured the
stranger.
A few minutes later Bertha hurried into the
kitchen, taking off her apron. The dog barked furiously. She opened the door,
commanded the dog to silence, and said: "He will be quiet now, Mr
Kendal."
"Thank you," said a sonorous voice,
and there was the sound of a bicycle being propped against a wall. A clergyman
entered, a big-boned, thin, ugly man of nervous manner. He went straight to the
father.
"Ah--how are you?" he asked musically,
peering down on the great frame of the miner, ruined by locomotor ataxy.
His voice was full of gentleness, but he seemed
as if he could not see distinctly, could not get things clear.
"Have you hurt you hand?" he said
comfortingly, seeing the white rag.
"It wor nöwt but a pestered bit o' coal as
dropped, an' I put my hand on th' hub. I thought tha worna commin'."
The familiar 'tha', and the reproach, were
unconscious retaliation on the old man's part. The minister smiled, half
wistfully, half indulgently. He was full of vague tenderness. Then he turned to
the young mother, who flushed sullenly because her dishonoured breast was
uncovered.
"How are you?" he asked,
very softly and gently, as if she were ill and he were mindful of her.
"I'm all right," she replied,
awkwardly taking his hand without rising, hiding her face and the anger that
rose in her.
"Yes--yes"--he peered down at the
baby, which sucked with distended mouth upon the firm breast. "Yes,
yes." He seemed lost in a dim musing.
Coming to, he shook hands unseeingly with the
woman.
Presently they all went into the next room, the
minister hesitating to help his crippled old deacon.
"I can go by myself, thank yer,"
testily replied the father.
Soon all were seated. Everybody was separated in
feeling and isolated at table. High tea was spread in the middle kitchen, a
large, ugly room kept for special occasions.
Hilda appeared last, and the clumsy, raw-boned
clergyman rose to meet her. He was afraid of this family, the well-to-do old
collier, and the brutal, self-willed children. But Hilda was queen among them.
She was the clever one, and had been to college. She felt responsible for the
keeping up of a high standard of conduct in all the members of the family.
There was a difference between the Rowbothams and the common
collier folk. Woodbine Cottage was a superior house to most--and was built in
pride by the old man. She, Hilda, was a college-trained schoolmistress; she
meant to keep up the prestige of her house in spite of blows.
She had put on a dress of green voile for this
special occasion. But she was very thin; her neck protruded painfully. The
clergyman, however, greeted her almost with reverence, and, with some
assumption of dignity, she sat down before the tray. At the far end of the
table sat the broken, massive frame of her father. Next to him was the youngest
daughter, nursing the restless baby. The minister sat between Hilda and Bertha,
hulking his bony frame uncomfortably.
There was a great spread on the table, of tinned
fruits and tinned salmon, ham and cakes. Miss Rowbotham kept a keen eye on
everything: she felt the importance of the occasion. The young mother who had
given rise to all this solemnity ate in sulky discomfort, snatching sullen
little smiles at her child, smiles which came, in spite of her, when she felt
its little limbs stirring vigorously on her lap. Bertha, sharp and abrupt, was
chiefly concerned with the baby. She scorned her sister, and treated her like
dirt. But the infant was a streak of light to her. Miss Rowbotham concerned
herself with the function and the conversation. Her hands fluttered; she talked
in little volleys exceedingly nervous. Towards the end of the meal, there came
a pause. The old man wiped his mouth with his red handkerchief, then, his blue
eyes going fixed and staring, he began to speak, in a loose, slobbering
fashion, charging his words at the clergyman.
"Well, mester--we'n axed you to come her
ter christen this childt, an' you'n come, an' I'm sure we're very thankful. I
can't see lettin' the poor blessed childt miss baptizing, an' they aren't for
goin' to church wi't--" He seemed to lapse into a muse. "So," he
resumed, "we'v axed you to come here to do the job. I'm not sayin' as it's
not 'ard on us, it is. I'm breakin' up, an' mother's gone. I don't like leavin'
a girl o' mine in a situation like 'ers is, but what the Lord's done, He's
done, an' it's no matter murmuring. . . . There's one thing to be thankful for,
an' we are thankful for it: they never need know the want of
bread."
Miss Rowbotham, the lady of the family, sat very
stiff and pained during this discourse. She was sensitive to so many things
that she was bewildered. She felt her young sister's shame, then a kind of
swift protecting love for the baby, a feeling that included the mother; she was
at a loss before her father's religious sentiment, and she felt and resented
bitterly the mark upon the family, against which the common folk could lift
their fingers. Still she winced from the sound of her father's words. It was a
painful ordeal.
"It is hard for you," began the
clergyman in his soft, lingering, unworldly voice. "It is hard for you
today, but the Lord gives comfort in His time. A man child is born unto us,
therefore let us rejoice and be glad. If sin has entered in among us, let us
purify out hearts before the Lord. . . ."
He went on with his discourse. The young mother
lifted the whimpering infant, till its face was hid in her loose hair. She was
hurt, and a little glowering anger shone in her face. But nevertheless her
fingers clasped the body of the child beautifully. She was stupefied with anger
against this emotion let loose on her account.
Miss Bertha rose and went to the little kitchen,
returning with water in a china bowl. She placed it there among the tea-things.
"Well, we're all ready," said the old
man, and the clergyman began to read the service. Miss Bertha was godmother,
the two men godfathers. The old man sat with bent head. The scene became
impressive. At last Miss Bertha took the child and put it in the arms of the
clergyman. He, big and ugly, shone with a kind of unreal love. He had never
mixed with life, and women were all unliving, Biblical things to him. When he
asked for the name, the old man lifted his head fiercely. "Joseph William,
after me," he said, almost out of breath.
"Joseph William, I baptize thee. . .
." resounded the strange, full, chanting voice of the clergyman. The baby
was quite still.
"Let us pray!" It came with relief to
them all. They knelt before their chairs, all but the young mother, who bent
and hid herself over her baby. The clergyman began his hesitating, struggling
prayer.
Just then heavy footsteps were heard coming up
the path, ceasing at the window. The young mother, glancing up, saw her
brother, black in his pit dirt, grinning in through the panes. His red mouth
curved in a sneer; his fair hair shone above his blackened skin. He caught the
eye of his sister and grinned. Then his black face disappeared. He had gone on
into the kitchen. The girl with the child sat still and anger filled her heart.
She herself hated now the praying clergyman and the whole emotional business;
she hated her brother bitterly. In anger and bondage she sat and listened.
Suddenly her father began to pray. His familiar,
loud, rambling voice made her shut herself up and become even insentient. Folks
said his mind was weakening. She believed it to be true, and kept herself
always disconnected from him.
"We ask Thee, Lord," the old man
cried, "to look after this childt. Fatherless he is. But what does the
earthly father matter before Thee? The childt is Thine, he is Thy childt. Lord,
what father has a man but Thee? Lord, when a man says he is a father, he is
wrong from the first word. For Thou art the Father, Lord. Lord, take away from
us the conceit that our children are ours. Lord, Thou art Father of this childt
as is fatherless here. O God, Thou bring him up. For I have stood between Thee
and my children; I've had my way with them, Lord; I've stood
between Thee and my children; I've cut 'em off from Thee because they were
mine. And they've grown twisted, because of me. Who is their father, Lord, but
Thee? But I put myself in the way, they've been plants under a stone, because
of me. Lord, if it hadn't been for me, they might ha' been trees in the
sunshine. Let me own it, Lord, I've done 'em mischief. It could ha' been better
if they'd never known no father. No man is a father, Lord: only Thou art. They
can never grow beyond Thee, but I hampered them. Lift 'em up again, and undo
what I've done to my children. And let this young childt be like a willow tree
beside the waters, with no father but Thee, O God. Aye an' I wish it had been
so with my children, that they'd had no father but Thee. For I've been like a
stone upon them, and they rise up and curse me in their wickedness. But let me
go, an' lift Thou them up, Lord . . ."
The minister, unaware of the feelings of a
father, knelt in trouble, hearing without understanding the special language of
fatherhood. Miss Rowbotham alone felt and understood a little. Her heart began
to flutter; she was in pain. The two younger daughters kneeled unhearing,
stiffened and impervious. Bertha was thinking of the baby; and the younger
mother thought of the father of her child, whom she hated. There was a clatter
in the scullery. There the youngest son made as much noise as he could, pouring
out the water for his wash, muttering in deep anger:
"Blortin', slaverin' old fool!"
And while the praying of his father continued,
his heart was burning with rage. On the table was a paper bag. He picked it up
and read, "John Berryman--Bread, Pastries, etc." Then he grinned with
a grimace. The father of the baby was baker's man at Berryman's. The prayer
went on in the middle kitchen. Laurie Rowbotham gathered together the mouth of
the bag, inflated it, and burst it with his fist. There was a loud report. He
grinned to himself. But he writhed at the same time with shame and fear of his
father.
The father broke off from his prayer; the party
shuffled to their feet. The young mother went into the scullery.
"What art doin', fool?" she said.
The collier youth tipped the baby under the
chin, singing:
"Pat-a-cake, pat-a-cake, baker's man,
Bake me a cake as fast as you can. . . ."
The mother snatched the child away. "Shut
thy mouth," she said, the colour coming into her cheek.
"Prick it and stick it and mark it with P,
And put it i' th' oven for baby an' me. . . ."
He grinned, showing a grimy, and jeering and
unpleasant red mouth and white teeth.
"I s'll gi'e thee a dab ower th'
mouth," said the mother of the baby grimly. He began to sing again, and
she struck out at him.
"Now what's to do?" said the father,
staggering in.
The youth began to sing again. His sister stood
sullen and furious.
"Why, does that upset
you?" asked the eldest Miss Rowbotham, sharply, of Emma the mother.
"Good gracious, it hasn't improved your temper."
Miss Bertha came in, and took the bonny baby.
The father sat big and unheeding in his chair,
his eyes vacant, his physique wrecked. He let them do as they would, he fell to
pieces. And yet some power, involuntary, like a curse, remained in him. The
very ruin of him was like a lodestone that held them in its control. The wreck
of him still dominated the house, in his dissolution even he compelled their
being. They had never lived; his life, his will had always been upon them and
contained them. They were only half-individuals.
The day after the christening he staggered in at
the doorway declaring, in a loud voice, with joy in life still: "The
daisies light up the earth, they clap their hands in multitudes, in praise of
the morning." And his daughters shrank, sullen.
I
The small locomotive engine, Number 4, came clanking,
stumbling down from Selston--with seven full waggons. It appeared round the
corner with loud threats of speed, but the colt that it startled from among the
gorse, which still flickered indistinctly in the raw afternoon, outdistanced it
at a canter. A woman, walking up the railway line to Underwood, drew back into
the hedge, held her basket aside, and watched the footplate of the engine
advancing. The trucks thumped heavily past, one by one, with slow inevitable
movement, as she stood insignificantly trapped between the jolting black
waggons and the hedge; then they curved away towards the coppice where the
withered oak leaves dropped noiselessly, while the birds, pulling at the
scarlet hips beside the track, made off into the dusk that had already crept
into the spinney. In the open, the smoke from the engine sank and cleaved to
the rough grass. The fields were dreary and forsaken, and in the marshy strip
that led to the whimsey, a reedy pit-pond, the fowls had already abandoned
their run among the alders, to roost in the tarred fowl-house. The pit-bank
loomed up beyond the pond, flames like red sores licking its ashy sides, in the
afternoon's stagnant light. Just beyond rose the tapering chimneys and the
clumsy black head-stocks of Brinsley Colliery. The two wheels were spinning
fast up against the sky, and the winding-engine rapped out its little spasms.
The miners were being turned up.
The engine whistled as it came into the wide bay
of railway lines beside the colliery, where rows of trucks stood in harbour.
Miners, single, trailing and in groups, passed
like shadows diverging home. At the edge of the ribbed level of sidings squat a
low cottage, three steps down from the cinder track. A large bony vine clutched
at the house, as if to claw down the tiled roof. Round the bricked yard grew a
few wintry primroses. Beyond, the long garden sloped down to a bush-covered
brook course. There were some twiggy apple trees, winter-crack trees, and
ragged cabbages. Beside the path hung dishevelled pink chrysanthemums, like
pink cloths hung on bushes. A woman came stooping out of the felt-covered
fowl-house, half-way down the garden. She closed and padlocked the door, then
drew herself erect, having brushed some bits from her white apron.
She was a till woman of imperious mien,
handsome, with definite black eyebrows. Her smooth black hair was parted
exactly. For a few moments she stood steadily watching the miners as they
passed along the railway: then she turned towards the brook course. Her face
was calm and set, her mouth was closed with disillusionment. After a moment she
called:
"John!" There was no answer. She
waited, and then said distinctly:
"Where are you?"
"Here!" replied a child's sulky voice
from among the bushes. The woman looked piercingly through the dusk.
"Are you at that brook?" she asked
sternly.
For answer the child showed himself before the
raspberry-canes that rose like whips. He was a small, sturdy boy of five. He
stood quite still, defiantly.
"Oh!" said the mother, conciliated.
"I thought you were down at that wet brook--and you remember what I told
you--"
The boy did not move or answer.
"Come, come on in," she said more
gently, "it's getting dark. There's your grandfather's engine coming down
the line!"
The lad advanced slowly, with resentful, taciturn
movement. He was dressed in trousers and waistcoat of cloth that was too thick
and hard for the size of the garments. They were evidently cut down from a
man's clothes.
As they went slowly towards the house he tore at
the ragged wisps of chrysanthemums and dropped the petals in handfuls along the
path.
"Don't do that--it does look nasty,"
said his mother. He refrained, and she, suddenly pitiful, broke off a twig with
three or four wan flowers and held them against her face. When mother and son
reached the yard her hand hesitated, and instead of laying the flower aside,
she pushed it in her apron-band. The mother and son stood at the foot of the
three steps looking across the bay of lines at the passing home of the miners.
The trundle of the small train was imminent. Suddenly the engine loomed past
the house and came to a stop opposite the gate.
The engine-driver, a short man with round grey
beard, leaned out of the cab high above the woman.
"Have you got a cup of tea?" he said
in a cheery, hearty fashion.
It was her father. She went in, saying she would
mash. Directly, she returned.
"I didn't come to see you on Sunday,"
began the little grey-bearded man.
"I didn't expect you," said his
daughter.
The engine-driver winced; then, reassuming his
cheery, airy manner, he said:
"Oh, have you heard then? Well, and what do
you think--?"
"I think it is soon enough," she
replied.
At her brief censure the little man made an
impatient gesture, and said coaxingly, yet with dangerous coldness:
"Well, what's a man to do? It's no sort of
life for a man of my years, to sit at my own hearth like a stranger. And if I'm
going to marry again it may as well be soon as late--what does it matter to
anybody?"
The woman did not reply, but turned and went
into the house. The man in the engine-cab stood assertive, till she returned
with a cup of tea and a piece of bread and butter on a plate. She went up the
steps and stood near the footplate of the hissing engine.
"You needn't 'a' brought me bread an'
butter," said her father. "But a cup of tea"--he sipped
appreciatively--"it's very nice." He sipped for a moment or two,
then: "I hear as Walter's got another bout on," he said.
"When hasn't he?" said the woman
bitterly.
"I heered tell of him in the 'Lord Nelson'
braggin' as he was going to spend that b---- afore he went: half a sovereign
that was."
"When?" asked the woman.
"A' Sat'day night--I know that's
true."
"Very likely," she laughed bitterly.
"He gives me twenty-three shillings."
"Aye, it's a nice thing, when a man can do
nothing with his money but make a beast of himself!" said the
grey-whiskered man. The woman turned her head away. Her father swallowed the
last of his tea and handed her the cup.
"Aye," he sighed, wiping his mouth.
"It's a settler, it is--"
He put his hand on the lever. The little engine
strained and groaned, and the train rumbled towards the crossing. The woman
again looked across the metals. Darkness was settling over the spaces of the
railway and trucks: the miners, in grey sombre groups, were still passing home.
The winding-engine pulsed hurriedly, with brief pauses. Elizabeth Bates looked
at the dreary flow of men, then she went indoors. Her husband did not come.
The kitchen was small and full of firelight; red
coals piled glowing up the chimney mouth. All the life of the room seemed in
the white, warm hearth and the steel fender reflecting the red fire. The cloth
was laid for tea; cups glinted in the shadows. At the back, where the lowest
stairs protruded into the room, the boy sat struggling with a knife and a piece
of whitewood. He was almost hidden in the shadow. It was half-past four. They
had but to await the father's coming to begin tea. As the mother watched her
son's sullen little struggle with the wood, she saw herself in his silence and
pertinacity; she saw the father in her child's indifference to all but himself.
She seemed to be occupied by her husband. He had probably gone past his home,
slunk past his own door, to drink before he came in, while his dinner spoiled
and wasted in waiting. She glanced at the clock, then took the potatoes to
strain them in the yard. The garden and fields beyond the brook were closed in
uncertain darkness. When she rose with the saucepan, leaving the drain steaming
into the night behind her, she saw the yellow lamps were lit along the high
road that went up the hill away beyond the space of the railway lines and the
field.
Then again she watched the men trooping home,
fewer now and fewer.
Indoors the fire was sinking and the room was
dark red. The woman put her saucepan on the hob, and set a batter pudding near
the mouth of the oven. Then she stood unmoving. Directly, gratefully, came
quick young steps to the door. Someone hung on the latch a moment, then a
little girl entered and began pulling off her outdoor things, dragging a mass
of curls, just ripening from gold to brown, over her eyes with her hat.
Her mother chid her for coming late from school,
and said she would have to keep her at home the dark winter days.
"Why, mother, it's hardly a bit dark yet.
The lamp's not lighted, and my father's not home."
"No, he isn't. But it's a quarter to five!
Did you see anything of him?"
The child became serious. She looked at her
mother with large, wistful blue eyes.
"No, mother, I've never seen him. Why? Has
he come up an' gone past, to Old Brinsley? He hasn't, mother, 'cos I never saw
him."
"He'd watch that," said the mother
bitterly, "he'd take care as you didn't see him. But you may depend upon
it, he's seated in the 'Prince o' Wales'. He wouldn't be this late."
The girl looked at her mother piteously.
"Let's have our teas, mother, should
we?" said she.
The mother called John to table. She opened the
door once more and looked out across the darkness of the lines. All was
deserted: she could not hear the winding-engines.
"Perhaps," she said to herself,
"he's stopped to get some ripping done."
They sat down to tea. John, at the end of the
table near the door, was almost lost in the darkness. Their faces were hidden
from each other. The girl crouched against the fender slowly moving a thick
piece of bread before the fire. The lad, his face a dusky mark on the shadow,
sat watching her who was transfigured in the red glow.
"I do think it's beautiful to look in the
fire," said the child.
"Do you?" said her mother.
"Why?"
"It's so red, and full of little caves--and
it feels so nice, and you can fair smell it."
"It'll want mending directly," replied
her mother, "and then if your father comes he'll carry on and say there
never is a fire when a man comes home sweating from the pit.--A public-house is
always warm enough."
There was silence till the boy said
complainingly: "Make haste, our Annie."
"Well, I am doing! I can't make the fire do
it no faster, can I?"
"She keeps wafflin' it about so's to make
'er slow," grumbled the boy.
"Don't have such an evil imagination,
child," replied the mother.
Soon the room was busy in the darkness with the
crisp sound of crunching. The mother ate very little. She drank her tea
determinedly, and sat thinking. When she rose her anger was evident in the
stern unbending of her head. She looked at the pudding in the fender, and broke
out:
"It is a scandalous thing as a man can't
even come home to his dinner! If it's crozzled up to a cinder I don't see why I
should care. Past his very door he goes to get to a public-house, and here I
sit with his dinner waiting for him--"
She went out. As she dropped piece after piece
of coal on the red fire, the shadows fell on the walls, till the room was
almost in total darkness.
"I canna see," grumbled the invisible
John. In spite of herself, the mother laughed.
"You know the way to your mouth," she
said. She set the dustpan outside the door. When she came again like a shadow
on the hearth, the lad repeated, complaining sulkily:
"I canna see."
"Good gracious!" cried the mother
irritably, "you're as bad as your father if it's a bit dusk!"
Nevertheless she took a paper spill from a sheaf
on the mantelpiece and proceeded to light the lamp that hung from the ceiling
in the middle of the room. As she reached up, her figure displayed itself just
rounding with maternity.
"Oh, mother--!" exclaimed the girl.
"What?" said the woman, suspended in
the act of putting the lamp glass over the flame. The copper reflector shone
handsomely on her, as she stood with uplifted arm, turning to face her daughter.
"You've got a flower in your apron!"
said the child, in a little rapture at this unusual event.
"Goodness me!" exclaimed the woman,
relieved. "One would think the house was afire." She replaced the
glass and waited a moment before turning up the wick. A pale shadow was seen
floating vaguely on the floor.
"Let me smell!" said the child, still
rapturously, coming forward and putting her face to her mother's waist.
"Go along, silly!" said the mother,
turning up the lamp. The light revealed their suspense so that the woman felt
it almost unbearable. Annie was still bending at her waist. Irritably, the
mother took the flowers out from her apron-band.
"Oh, mother--don't take them out!"
Annie cried, catching her hand and trying to replace the sprig.
"Such nonsense!" said the mother,
turning away. The child put the pale chrysanthemums to her lips, murmuring:
"Don't they smell beautiful!"
Her mother gave a short laugh.
"No," she said, "not to me. It
was chrysanthemums when I married him, and chrysanthemums when you were born,
and the first time they ever brought him home drunk, he'd got brown
chrysanthemums in his button-hole."
She looked at the children. Their eyes and their
parted lips were wondering. The mother sat rocking in silence for some time.
Then she looked at the clock.
"Twenty minutes to six!" In a tone of
fine bitter carelessness she continued: "Eh, he'll not come now till they
bring him. There he'll stick! But he needn't come rolling in here in his
pit-dirt, for I won't wash him. He can lie on the floor--Eh,
what a fool I've been, what a fool! And this is what I came here for, to this
dirty hole, rats and all, for him to slink past his very door. Twice last
week--he's begun now-"
She silenced herself, and rose to clear the
table.
While for an hour or more the children played,
subduedly intent, fertile of imagination, united in fear of the mother's wrath,
and in dread of their father's home-coming, Mrs Bates sat in her rocking-chair
making a 'singlet' of thick cream-coloured flannel, which gave a dull wounded
sound as she tore off the grey edge. She worked at her sewing with energy,
listening to the children, and her anger wearied itself, lay down to rest,
opening its eyes from time to time and steadily watching, its ears raised to
listen. Sometimes even her anger quailed and shrank, and the mother suspended
her sewing, tracing the footsteps that thudded along the sleepers outside; she
would lift her head sharply to bid the children 'hush', but she recovered
herself in time, and the footsteps went past the gate, and the children were
not flung out of their playing world.
But at last Annie sighed, and gave in. She
glanced at her waggon of slippers, and loathed the game. She turned plaintively
to her mother.
"Mother!"--but she was inarticulate.
John crept out like a frog from under the sofa.
His mother glanced up.
"Yes," she said, "just look at
those shirt-sleeves!"
The boy held them out to survey them, saying
nothing. Then somebody called in a hoarse voice away down the line, and
suspense bristled in the room, till two people had gone by outside, talking.
"It is time for bed," said the mother.
"My father hasn't come," wailed Annie
plaintively. But her mother was primed with courage.
"Never mind. They'll bring him when he does
come--like a log." She meant there would be no scene. "And he may
sleep on the floor till he wakes himself. I know he'll not go to work tomorrow
after this!"
The children had their hands and faces wiped
with a flannel. They were very quiet. When they had put on their nightdresses,
they said their prayers, the boy mumbling. The mother looked down at them, at
the brown silken bush of intertwining curls in the nape of the girl's neck, at
the little black head of the lad, and her heart burst with anger at their
father who caused all three such distress. The children hid their faces in her
skirts for comfort.
When Mrs Bates came down, the room was strangely
empty, with a tension of expectancy. She took up her sewing and stitched for
some time without raising her head. Meantime her anger was tinged with fear.
II
The clock struck eight and she rose suddenly,
dropping her sewing on her chair. She went to the stairfoot door, opened it,
listening. Then she went out, locking the door behind her.
Something scuffled in the yard, and she started,
though she knew it was only the rats with which the place was overrun. The
night was very dark. In the great bay of railway lines, bulked with trucks,
there was no trace of light, only away back she could see a few yellow lamps at
the pit-top, and the red smear of the burning pit-bank on the night. She
hurried along the edge of the track, then, crossing the converging lines, came
to the stile by the white gates, whence she emerged on the road. Then the fear
which had led her shrank. People were walking up to New Brinsley; she saw the
lights in the houses; twenty yards further on were the broad windows of the
'Prince of Wales', very warm and bright, and the loud voices of men could be
heard distinctly. What a fool she had been to imagine that anything had happened
to him! He was merely drinking over there at the 'Prince of Wales'. She
faltered. She had never yet been to fetch him, and she never would go. So she
continued her walk towards the long straggling line of houses, standing blank
on the highway. She entered a passage between the dwellings.
"Mr Rigley?--Yes! Did you want him? No,
he's not in at this minute."
The raw-boned woman leaned forward from her dark
scullery and peered at the other, upon whom fell a dim light through the blind
of the kitchen window.
"Is it Mrs Bates?" she asked in a tone
tinged with respect.
"Yes. I wondered if your Master was at
home. Mine hasn't come yet."
"'Asn't 'e! Oh, Jack's been 'ome an 'ad 'is
dinner an' gone out. E's just gone for 'alf an hour afore bedtime. Did you call
at the 'Prince of Wales'?"
"No--"
"No, you didn't like--! It's not very
nice." The other woman was indulgent. There was an awkward pause.
"Jack never said nothink about--about your Mester," she said.
"No!--I expect he's stuck in there!"
Elizabeth Bates said this bitterly, and with
recklessness. She knew that the woman across the yard was standing at her door
listening, but she did not care. As she turned:
"Stop a minute! I'll just go an' ask Jack
if e' knows anythink," said Mrs Rigley.
"Oh, no--I wouldn't like to put--!"
"Yes, I will, if you'll just step inside
an' see as th' childer doesn't come downstairs and set theirselves afire."
Elizabeth Bates, murmuring a remonstrance,
stepped inside. The other woman apologized for the state of the room.
The kitchen needed apology. There were little
frocks and trousers and childish undergarments on the squab and on the floor,
and a litter of playthings everywhere. On the black American cloth of the table
were pieces of bread and cake, crusts, slops, and a teapot with cold tea.
"Eh, ours is just as bad," said
Elizabeth Bates, looking at the woman, not at the house. Mrs Rigley put a shawl
over her head and hurried out, saying:
"I shanna be a minute."
The other sat, noting with faint disapproval the
general untidiness of the room. Then she fell to counting the shoes of various
sizes scattered over the floor. There were twelve. She sighed and said to
herself, "No wonder!"--glancing at the litter. There came the
scratching of two pairs of feet on the yard, and the Rigleys entered. Elizabeth
Bates rose. Rigley was a big man, with very large bones. His head looked
particularly bony. Across his temple was a blue scar, caused by a wound got in
the pit, a wound in which the coal-dust remained blue like tattooing.
"Asna 'e come whoam yit?" asked the
man, without any form of greeting, but with deference and sympathy. "I
couldna say wheer he is--'e's non ower theer!"--he jerked his head to
signify the 'Prince of Wales'.
"'E's 'appen gone up to th' 'Yew',"
said Mrs Rigley.
There was another pause. Rigley had evidently
something to get off his mind:
"Ah left 'im finishin' a stint," he
began. "Loose-all 'ad bin gone about ten minutes when we com'n away, an' I
shouted, 'Are ter comin', Walt?' an' 'e said, 'Go on, Ah shanna be but a'ef a
minnit,' so we com'n ter th' bottom, me an' Bowers, thinkin' as 'e wor just
behint, an' 'ud come up i' th' next bantle--"
He stood perplexed, as if answering a charge of
deserting his mate. Elizabeth Bates, now again certain of disaster, hastened to
reassure him:
"I expect 'e's gone up to th' 'Yew Tree',
as you say. It's not the first time. I've fretted myself into a fever before
now. He'll come home when they carry him."
"Ay, isn't it too bad!" deplored the
other woman.
"I'll just step up to Dick's an' see if
'e is theer," offered the man, afraid of appearing
alarmed, afraid of taking liberties.
"Oh, I wouldn't think of bothering you that
far," said Elizabeth Bates, with emphasis, but he knew she was glad of his
offer.
As they stumbled up the entry, Elizabeth Bates
heard Rigley's wife run across the yard and open her neighbour's door. At this,
suddenly all the blood in her body seemed to switch away from her heart.
"Mind!" warned Rigley. "Ah've
said many a time as Ah'd fill up them ruts in this entry, sumb'dy 'll be
breakin' their legs yit."
She recovered herself and walked quickly along
with the miner.
"I don't like leaving the children in bed,
and nobody in the house," she said.
"No, you dunna!" he replied
courteously. They were soon at the gate of the cottage.
"Well, I shanna be many minnits. Dunna you
be frettin' now, 'e'll be all right," said the butty.
"Thank you very much, Mr Rigley," she
replied.
"You're welcome!" he stammered, moving
away. "I shanna be many minnits."
The house was quiet. Elizabeth Bates took off
her hat and shawl, and rolled back the rug. When she had finished, she sat
down. It was a few minutes past nine. She was startled by the rapid chuff of
the winding-engine at the pit, and the sharp whirr of the brakes on the rope as
it descended. Again she felt the painful sweep of her blood, and she put her
hand to her side, saying aloud, "Good gracious!--it's only the nine
o'clock deputy going down," rebuking herself.
She sat still, listening. Half an hour of this,
and she was wearied out.
"What am I working myself up like this
for?" she said pitiably to herself, "I s'll only be doing myself some
damage."
She took out her sewing again.
At a quarter to ten there were footsteps. One
person! She watched for the door to open. It was an elderly woman, in a black
bonnet and a black woollen shawl--his mother. She was about sixty years old,
pale, with blue eyes, and her face all wrinkled and lamentable. She shut the
door and turned to her daughter-in-law peevishly.
"Eh, Lizzie, whatever shall we do, whatever
shall we do!" she cried.
Elizabeth drew back a little, sharply.
"What is it, mother?" she said.
The elder woman seated herself on the sofa.
"I don't know, child, I can't tell
you!"--she shook her head slowly. Elizabeth sat watching her, anxious and
vexed.
"I don't know," replied the
grandmother, sighing very deeply. "There's no end to my troubles, there
isn't. The things I've gone through, I'm sure it's enough--!" She wept
without wiping her eyes, the tears running.
"But, mother," interrupted Elizabeth,
"what do you mean? What is it?"
The grandmother slowly wiped her eyes. The
fountains of her tears were stopped by Elizabeth's directness. She wiped her
eyes slowly.
"Poor child! Eh, you poor thing!" she
moaned. "I don't know what we're going to do, I don't--and you as you
are--it's a thing, it is indeed!"
Elizabeth waited.
"Is he dead?" she asked, and at the
words her heart swung violently, though she felt a slight flush of shame at the
ultimate extravagance of the question. Her words sufficiently frightened the
old lady, almost brought her to herself.
"Don't say so, Elizabeth! We'll hope it's
not as bad as that; no, may the Lord spare us that, Elizabeth. Jack Rigley came
just as I was sittin' down to a glass afore going to bed, an' 'e said, ''Appen
you'll go down th' line, Mrs Bates. Walt's had an accident. 'Appen you'll go
an' sit wi' 'er till we can get him home.' I hadn't time to ask him a word
afore he was gone. An' I put my bonnet on an' come straight down, Lizzie. I
thought to myself, 'Eh, that poor blessed child, if anybody should come an'
tell her of a sudden, there's no knowin' what'll 'appen to 'er.' You mustn't
let it upset you, Lizzie--or you know what to expect. How long is it, six
months--or is it five, Lizzie? Ay!"--the old woman shook her head--"time
slips on, it slips on! Ay!"
Elizabeth's thoughts were busy elsewhere. If he
was killed--would she be able to manage on the little pension and what she
could earn?--she counted up rapidly. If he was hurt--they wouldn't take him to
the hospital--how tiresome he would be to nurse!--but perhaps she'd be able to
get him away from the drink and his hateful ways. She would--while he was ill.
The tears offered to come to her eyes at the picture. But what sentimental
luxury was this she was beginning?--She turned to consider the children. At any
rate she was absolutely necessary for them. They were her business.
"Ay!" repeated the old woman, "it
seems but a week or two since he brought me his first wages. Ay--he was a good
lad, Elizabeth, he was, in his way. I don't know why he got to be such a
trouble, I don't. He was a happy lad at home, only full of spirits. But there's
no mistake he's been a handful of trouble, he has! I hope the Lord'll spare him
to mend his ways. I hope so, I hope so. You've had a sight o' trouble with him,
Elizabeth, you have indeed. But he was a jolly enough lad wi' me, he was, I can
assure you. I don't know how it is . . ."
The old woman continued to muse aloud, a
monotonous irritating sound, while Elizabeth thought concentratedly, startled
once, when she heard the winding-engine chuff quickly, and the brakes skirr
with a shriek. Then she heard the engine more slowly, and the brakes made no
sound. The old woman did not notice. Elizabeth waited in suspense. The
mother-in-law talked, with lapses into silence.
"But he wasn't your son, Lizzie, an' it
makes a difference. Whatever he was, I remember him when he was little, an' I
learned to understand him and to make allowances. You've got to make allowances
for them--"
It was half-past ten, and the old woman was
saying: "But it's trouble from beginning to end; you're never too old for
trouble, never too old for that--" when the gate banged back, and there
were heavy feet on the steps.
"I'll go, Lizzie, let me go," cried
the old woman, rising. But Elizabeth was at the door. It was a man in
pit-clothes.
"They're bringin' 'im, Missis," he
said. Elizabeth's heart halted a moment. Then it surged on again, almost
suffocating her.
"Is he--is it bad?" she asked.
The man turned away, looking at the darkness:
"The doctor says 'e'd been dead hours. 'E
saw 'im i' th' lamp-cabin."
The old woman, who stood just behind Elizabeth,
dropped into a chair, and folded her hands, crying: "Oh, my boy, my
boy!"
"Hush!" said Elizabeth, with a sharp
twitch of a frown. "Be still, mother, don't waken th' children: I wouldn't
have them down for anything!"
The old woman moaned softly, rocking herself.
The man was drawing away. Elizabeth took a step forward.
"How was it?" she asked.
"Well, I couldn't say for sure," the
man replied, very ill at ease. "'E wor finishin' a stint an' th' butties
'ad gone, an' a lot o' stuff come down atop 'n 'im."
"And crushed him?" cried the widow,
with a shudder.
"No," said the man, "it fell at
th' back of 'im. 'E wor under th' face, an' it niver touched 'im. It shut 'im
in. It seems 'e wor smothered."
Elizabeth shrank back. She heard the old woman
behind her cry:
"What?--what did 'e say it was?"
The man replied, more loudly: "'E wor
smothered!"
Then the old woman wailed aloud, and this
relieved Elizabeth.
"Oh, mother," she said, putting her
hand on the old woman, "don't waken th' children, don't waken th'
children."
She wept a little, unknowing, while the old
mother rocked herself and moaned. Elizabeth remembered that they were bringing
him home, and she must be ready. "They'll lay him in the parlour,"
she said to herself, standing a moment pale and perplexed.
Then she lighted a candle and went into the tiny
room. The air was cold and damp, but she could not make a fire, there was no
fireplace. She set down the candle and looked round. The candle-light glittered
on the lustre-glasses, on the two vases that held some of the pink
chrysanthemums, and on the dark mahogany. There was a cold, deathly smell of
chrysanthemums in the room. Elizabeth stood looking at the flowers. She turned
away, and calculated whether there would be room to lay him on the floor,
between the couch and the chiffonier. She pushed the chairs aside. There would
be room to lay him down and to step round him. Then she fetched the old red tablecloth,
and another old cloth, spreading them down to save her bit of carpet. She
shivered on leaving the parlour; so, from the dresser-drawer she took a clean
shirt and put it at the fire to air. All the time her mother-in-law was rocking
herself in the chair and moaning.
"You'll have to move from there,
mother," said Elizabeth. "They'll be bringing him in. Come in the
rocker."
The old mother rose mechanically, and seated
herself by the fire, continuing to lament. Elizabeth went into the pantry for
another candle, and there, in the little penthouse under the naked tiles, she
heard them coming. She stood still in the pantry doorway, listening. She heard
them pass the end of the house, and come awkwardly down the three steps, a
jumble of shuffling footsteps and muttering voices. The old woman was silent.
The men were in the yard.
Then Elizabeth heard Matthews, the manager of
the pit, say: "You go in first, Jim. Mind!"
The door came open, and the two women saw a
collier backing into the room, holding one end of a stretcher, on which they
could see the nailed pit-boots of the dead man. The two carriers halted, the
man at the head stooping to the lintel of the door.
"Wheer will you have him?" asked the
manager, a short, white-bearded man.
Elizabeth roused herself and came from the
pantry carrying the unlighted candle.
"In the parlour," she said.
"In there, Jim!" pointed the manager,
and the carriers backed round into the tiny room. The coat with which they had
covered the body fell off as they awkwardly turned through the two doorways,
and the women saw their man, naked to the waist, lying stripped for work. The
old woman began to moan in a low voice of horror.
"Lay th' stretcher at th' side,"
snapped the manager, "an' put 'im on th' cloths. Mind now, mind! Look you
now--!"
One of the men had knocked off a vase of
chrysanthemums. He stared awkwardly, then they set down the stretcher.
Elizabeth did not look at her husband. As soon as she could get in the room,
she went and picked up the broken vase and the flowers.
"Wait a minute!" she said.
The three men waited in silence while she mopped
up the water with a duster.
"Eh, what a job, what a job, to be
sure!" the manager was saying, rubbing his brow with trouble and
perplexity. "Never knew such a thing in my life, never! He'd no business
to ha' been left. I never knew such a thing in my life! Fell over him clean as
a whistle, an' shut him in. Not four foot of space, there wasn't--yet it scarce
bruised him."
He looked down at the dead man, lying prone,
half naked, all grimed with coal-dust.
"''Sphyxiated,' the doctor said. It is the
most terrible job I've ever known. Seems as if it was done o' purpose. Clean
over him, an' shut 'im in, like a mouse-trap"--he made a sharp, descending
gesture with his hand.
The colliers standing by jerked aside their
heads in hopeless comment.
The horror of the thing bristled upon them all.
Then they heard the girl's voice upstairs
calling shrilly: "Mother, mother--who is it? Mother, who is it?"
Elizabeth hurried to the foot of the stairs and
opened the door:
"Go to sleep!" she commanded sharply.
"What are you shouting about? Go to sleep at once--there's nothing--"
Then she began to mount the stairs. They could
hear her on the boards, and on the plaster floor of the little bedroom. They
could hear her distinctly:
"What's the matter now?--what's the matter
with you, silly thing?"--her voice was much agitated, with an unreal
gentleness.
"I thought it was some men come," said
the plaintive voice of the child. "Has he come?"
"Yes, they've brought him. There's nothing
to make a fuss about. Go to sleep now, like a good child."
They could hear her voice in the bedroom, they
waited whilst she covered the children under the bedclothes.
"Is he drunk?" asked the girl,
timidly, faintly.
"No! No--he's not! He--he's asleep."
"Is he asleep downstairs?"
"Yes--and don't make a noise."
There was silence for a moment, then the men
heard the frightened child again:
"What's that noise?"
"It's nothing, I tell you, what are you
bothering for?"
The noise was the grandmother moaning. She was
oblivious of everything, sitting on her chair rocking and moaning. The manager
put his hand on her arm and bade her "Sh--sh!!"
The old woman opened her eyes and looked at him.
She was shocked by this interruption, and seemed to wonder.
"What time is it?"--the plaintive thin
voice of the child, sinking back unhappily into sleep, asked this last
question.
"Ten o'clock," answered the mother
more softly. Then she must have bent down and kissed the children.
Matthews beckoned to the men to come away. They
put on their caps and took up the stretcher. Stepping over the body, they
tiptoed out of the house. None of them spoke till they were far from the
wakeful children.
When Elizabeth came down she found her mother
alone on the parlour floor, leaning over the dead man, the tears dropping on
him.
"We must lay him out," the wife said.
She put on the kettle, then returning knelt at the feet, and began to unfasten
the knotted leather laces. The room was clammy and dim with only one candle, so
that she had to bend her face almost to the floor. At last she got off the
heavy boots and put them away.
"You must help me now," she whispered
to the old woman. Together they stripped the man.
When they arose, saw him lying in the naïve
dignity of death, the women stood arrested in fear and respect. For a few
moments they remained still, looking down, the old mother whimpering. Elizabeth
felt countermanded. She saw him, how utterly inviolable he lay in himself. She
had nothing to do with him. She could not accept it. Stooping, she laid her
hand on him, in claim. He was still warm, for the mine was hot where he had
died. His mother had his face between her hands, and was murmuring
incoherently. The old tears fell in succession as drops from wet leaves; the
mother was not weeping, merely her tears flowed. Elizabeth embraced the body of
her husband, with cheek and lips. She seemed to be listening, inquiring, trying
to get some connection. But she could not. She was driven away. He was
impregnable.
She rose, went into the kitchen, where she
poured warm water into a bowl, brought soap and flannel and a soft towel.
"I must wash him," she said.
Then the old mother rose stiffly, and watched
Elizabeth as she carefully washed his face, carefully brushing the big blond
moustache from his mouth with the flannel. She was afraid with a bottomless
fear, so she ministered to him. The old woman, jealous, said:
"Let me wipe him!"--and she kneeled on
the other side drying slowly as Elizabeth washed, her big black bonnet
sometimes brushing the dark head of her daughter. They worked thus in silence
for a long time. They never forgot it was death, and the touch of the man's
dead body gave them strange emotions, different in each of the women; a great
dread possessed them both, the mother felt the lie was given to her womb, she
was denied; the wife felt the utter isolation of the human soul, the child
within her was a weight apart from her.
At last it was finished. He was a man of
handsome body, and his face showed no traces of drink. He was blonde,
full-fleshed, with fine limbs. But he was dead.
"Bless him," whispered his mother,
looking always at his face, and speaking out of sheer terror. "Dear
lad--bless him!" She spoke in a faint, sibilant ecstasy of fear and mother
love.
Elizabeth sank down again to the floor, and put
her face against his neck, and trembled and shuddered. But she had to draw away
again. He was dead, and her living flesh had no place against his. A great
dread and weariness held her: she was so unavailing. Her life was gone like
this.
"White as milk he is, clear as a
twelve-month baby, bless him, the darling!" the old mother murmured to
herself. "Not a mark on him, clear and clean and white, beautiful as ever
a child was made," she murmured with pride. Elizabeth kept her face
hidden.
"He went peaceful, Lizzie--peaceful as
sleep. Isn't he beautiful, the lamb? Ay--he must ha' made his peace, Lizzie.
'Appen he made it all right, Lizzie, shut in there. He'd have time. He wouldn't
look like this if he hadn't made his peace. The lamb, the dear lamb. Eh, but he
had a hearty laugh. I loved to hear it. He had the heartiest laugh, Lizzie, as
a lad--"
Elizabeth looked up. The man's mouth was fallen
back, slightly open under the cover of the moustache. The eyes, half shut, did
not show glazed in the obscurity. Life with its smoky burning gone from him,
had left him apart and utterly alien to her. And she knew what a stranger he
was to her. In her womb was ice of fear, because of this separate stranger with
whom she had been living as one flesh. Was this what it all meant--utter,
intact separateness, obscured by heat of living? In dread she turned her face
away. The fact was too deadly. There had been nothing between them, and yet
they had come together, exchanging their nakedness repeatedly. Each time he had
taken her, they had been two isolated beings, far apart as now. He was no more
responsible than she. The child was like ice in her womb. For as she looked at
the dead man, her mind, cold and detached, said clearly: "Who am I? What have
I been doing? I have been fighting a husband who did not exist. He existed
all the time. What wrong have I done? What was that I have been living with?
There lies the reality, this man."--And her soul died in her for fear: she
knew she had never seen him, he had never seen her, they had met in the dark
and had fought in the dark, not knowing whom they met nor whom they fought. And
now she saw, and turned silent in seeing. For she had been wrong. She had said
he was something he was not; she had felt familiar with him. Whereas he was
apart all the while, living as she never lived, feeling as she never felt.
In fear and shame she looked at his naked body,
that she had known falsely. And he was the father of her children. Her soul was
torn from her body and stood apart. She looked at his naked body and was
ashamed, as if she had denied it. After all, it was itself. It seemed awful to
her. She looked at his face, and she turned her own face to the wall. For his
look was other than hers, his way was not her way. She had denied him what he
was--she saw it now. She had refused him as himself.--And this had been her
life, and his life.--She was grateful to death, which restored the truth. And
she knew she was not dead.
And all the while her heart was bursting with
grief and pity for him. What had he suffered? What stretch of horror for this
helpless man! She was rigid with agony. She had not been able to help him. He
had been cruelly injured, this naked man, this other being, and she could make
no reparation. There were the children--but the children belonged to life. This
dead man had nothing to do with them. He and she were only channels through
which life had flowed to issue in the children. She was a mother--but how awful
she knew it now to have been a wife. And he, dead now, how awful he must have
felt it to be a husband. She felt that in the next world he would be a stranger
to her. If they met there, in the beyond, they would only be ashamed of what
had been before. The children had come, for some mysterious reason, out of both
of them. But the children did not unite them. Now he was dead, she knew how
eternally he was apart from her, how eternally he had nothing more to do with
her. She saw this episode of her life closed. They had denied each other in
life. Now he had withdrawn. An anguish came over her. It was finished then: it
had become hopeless between them long before he died. Yet he had been her
husband. But how little!--
"Have you got his shirt, 'Lizabeth?"
Elizabeth turned without answering, though she
strove to weep and behave as her mother-in-law expected. But she could not, she
was silenced. She went into the kitchen and returned with the garment.
"It is aired," she said, grasping the
cotton shirt here and there to try. She was almost ashamed to handle him; what
right had she or anyone to lay hands on him; but her touch was humble on his
body. It was hard work to clothe him. He was so heavy and inert. A terrible
dread gripped her all the while: that he could be so heavy and utterly inert,
unresponsive, apart. The horror of the distance between them was almost too
much for her--it was so infinite a gap she must look across.
At last it was finished. They covered him with a
sheet and left him lying, with his face bound. And she fastened the door of the
little parlour, lest the children should E see what was lying there. Then, with
peace sunk heavy on her heart, she went about making tidy the kitchen. She knew
she submitted to life, which was her immediate master. But from death, her
ultimate master, she winced with fear and shame.
THE END
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